If You Can't Survive, Just Try
2021
Joey Sharkbait
[Soundtrack: "I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)" by The 1975]
[Kaede's point of view.]
What they went through was horrific, all of them. From my sister, Kikyo, fifty years ago, and Inuyasha and their feigned betrayal of one another… to the horrors inflicted on the demon slayer siblings and the wind witch, Kagura. I knew they were all strong, but sometimes, I wonder how they all survived.
So much trauma…
Yet they still thrive. No longer just surviving. It is nice to see my young comrades smile again.
Some wounds will never heal. Sometimes the bad guys win.
Just in speaking regularly with the slayer siblings, to help them recover, I learned of so much grief. And to learn of it from those so young was unimaginably heartbreaking.
And I am so proud of them for never giving up.
Sango and Kohaku both had enough reasons by themselves to give up. I myself have become somewhat haunted secondhand by their recollections. I thank the universe for my spiritual strength to help me keep my own demons at bay, metaphorically speaking in this context.
And I thank the universe for them all. Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku, Shippo… even the demons Kirara and Kagura. And especially Sango and Kohaku.
If there is a light, they will all find it. The darkness cannot win.
May your hearts fill with lovingkindness.
May you love yourselves.
May you be happy. May you be well. May you be peaceful. May you be free.
May you find peace within the embrace of the universe.
May you all be at peace.
May your hearts remain open.
May you awaken to the light of your own true natures.
May you be healed.
May you be a source of healing for all beings.
[An Author's Note:]
I do not usually like to clutter my writing with such things; however, I felt an author's note would be fitting at the end of this story.
I would like to sincerely thank everyone who took the time to read this, whether you left a review or comment or not. It means a lot. I, myself, read many stories and simply do not know what to say in a review, so I just read. I only comment when I think what I would say could add value to the writer. TL;DR: to those of you who only lurk and read, like I do, I understand; I see and appreciate you.
I especially would like to extend thanks to those of you who stuck with this story from start to finish. I began rewriting this in summer of 2020, almost a year and a half ago now. I had planned to have this completed by early 2021, but life had other plans for me.
Trying not to disclose too much, but I feel that my faithful readers deserve an explanation; as I know I have exchanged many review replies and PMs with several of you, where I thanked you for the continued support and promised quicker updates. Well, I failed on that last part.
The full disclosure…
2020 brought the world a pandemic and so many other political, economic, and social wildfires. 2020 hit everyone differently. For me, personally, I think 2020 was a blessing in disguise.
Deciding to rewrite my early 2000s 'epic' fanfiction, "Porcelain", probably helped save my life. I hadn't written anything for fun since… I can't remember when. High school, probably. To put that in perspective, I graduated high school in 2010 and learned basic HTML from MySpace. I published a peer-reviewed paper on exercise and mental health in 2016 when I was in graduate school for Clinical Mental Health Counseling. A degree I did not finish.
Fast forward to 2019: I got the Master's degree anyway, but in Integrative Studies. I got married.
I don't know why I got married.
2020: I got a promotion at work and made Level 4 Leadership rank finally. And I also received the best Christmas gift of my life—a divorce.
2021: I was in denial about how abusive the relationship and marriage was. I was with a covert narcissist for almost 4 years. I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), on top of existing major depressive disorder, anxiety, and autism spectrum disorder. I began treatment for this in Spring. As treatment progressed, I learned that recovery is certainly not linear. My creativity suffered, along with many other aspects of my life, but only on the inside. I managed well enough at work, although I admittedly could no longer handle the stress of being in command.
An anecdote to interrupt: Overall, I can't complain—2020 and 2021 have rained blessings upon me. After I carefully separated from the aforementioned narcissist, I spent more time with my friends and my father. I was lucky enough that they forgave me for growing distant due to the nature of my relationship; I was blessed that they understood. 2020 also brought me the most beautiful gift of reuniting with my dearest and sweetest friend. We parted ways in 2016 and I've never missed another living soul as badly as I missed her. She's been an absolute blessing in my life throughout the entire ordeal with going no contact with the narcissist—from the denial of the toxicity, to the divorce, and to defending mine and my father's honor no matter what the cost. She's been my support through the position change at work and through losing my maternal grandfather, which opened old wounds from losing my mother in 2015. She's shown me something infinitely interesting and inspiring, like how to create again, instead of just destroying everything I touch.
End Anecdote: -return to 2021: I was relieved from duty at work and took a short mental health leave at the end of the summer. I was put on an antidepressant for the first time in my life. This is a huge deal because I was so afraid to try psych meds due to watching my mother's experience with so many of them. Turns out my trauma goes far deeper than surviving a long-term relationship with a narcissist. Narcissistic abuse is absolutely horrific, as is any kind of intimate partner abuse or violence. I'm still recovering now. And it shows in the waxing and waning of my energy levels and the amount of 'good' and 'bad' days marked on my calendar by smiley or sad faces. Throw in some adverse childhood experiences that have been ignored for 25+ years and 10 years of untreated ADHD that is now very maladaptive and… it's been real fun.
I'm surprised I completed this story finally. It's a dream come true, honestly. I just wanted to write for fun again and do a good enough job by my own standards. I started writing "The Downward Spiral" at the end of my relationship with the narcissist. I started writing as a healthier way to escape. I was tired of spending 3 of the past 4 years either drunk, high, or dissociated in what little free time I had. When my abuser decided she found a new supply, I finally woke up and let her go. I quietly plotted my exit in the background and coped with revisiting the arts—writing, singing, playing music, and drawing.
I think I stopped writing for a bit when I no longer needed an escape from my everyday existence. I stopped writing as much when I got my friends back, when I got my father back, when I got my life back. I'm still getting my life back. I start formal treatment for the ADHD and the trauma in 2 days and I'm actually more excited than scared. I want the rest of my life back. I miss writing regularly. I miss creating regularly. Not just cranking out 5 chapters in one night because of ADHD/Autistic hyper-focus. I'm tired of a decade's worth of unfinished projects and good ideas left unrealized.
I'll stop coping with comedy on Tuesday. So until then… 'thank you for coming to my TED Talk'.
The next section will contain a list of resources. Too many people I have known and loved in my life have suffered some form of abuse and/or mental health issues, myself included. No one should have to go through anything like that. And heavens forbid if you have gone through the worst, just please know you're not alone and please don't give up.
Please don't let any one person or one experience—no matter how hellacious or heinous—silence the music inside you. I know what it's like to feel like the walking dead. I know what it's like to have the art in your mind erased and your fire snuffed out. I wish no one in the world would know what that feels like. I wish everyone could feel the lovingkindness they deserve and that cruelty did not exist in this world.
As triggering as a lot of the subject matter in this dark story is, I hope that the light shined through, as well. There is always some kind of light. Just please at least try to look for it and hold onto it.
[Resources]
National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S):
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
.org
National Dating Abuse Helpline (U.S):
1-866-331-9474
.org
National Child Abuse Hotline/Childhelp (U.S):
1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
.org
National Sexual Assault Hotline (U.S):
1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
.org
1-800-RESPECT (AU)
www. .au
VictimLink BC (CA):
1-800-563-0808
Women's Helpline Ontario (CA):
1-866-863-0511 or TTY 1-866-863-7868
Refuge National Domestic Abuse Hotline (UK):
0808 2000 247
National Suicide Prevention Hotline (U.S):
800-273-8255
A sincerest thank you for reading.
-Joey Sharkbait