Derailed

It was Wednesday morning and things were a bit different from usual. First of all, I actually managed to wake up early. Not just that, I even felt mostly refreshed. For me that was probably the most suspect part. To drag me out of my dreams was a feat that even my alarm rarely managed, so what was it about the cool morning air streaming from our window that made me so lucid? Mysterious.

My mother was acting extra annoying all morning because of it, so I locked myself inside the bathroom for a while to get some space. Taking care of my hair was a pain and took considerable time each day. I wouldn't blame it entirely on that, but I often missed my train exactly because I wasn't done drying or fixing my hair. Contrary to my family's belief I wasn't always oversleeping. I wouldn't lower my pride enough to ask mom to braid it for me, though. My sister was not an early riser anymore, so I couldn't rely on her skilled hands either.

My unusually rested face returned the long questioning gaze. I had grabbed a strand of hair and held it up before the mirror. It was mostly black. Mostly. After dying it for so many years, there were always traces left of the brown hue it once had.

When I sent Adachi that picture from my graduation, what exactly had I hoped to hear? What kind of response did I expect?

It seemed that she didn't really have much of an opinion on it. The topic didn't come up when we met face to face and I was a bit too embarrassed to ask. All she had said on the phone was 'It's dyed'. Did she think it looked good or bad? Was it getting so little a rise out of her because she didn't care about how people looked? I sort of envied that mindset, but it also irritated me just slightly. I knew that it was silly to get emotional over that, but my head was not always obeying my common sense.

The central question was why I had dyed my hair. At some point I lost my reason. All I still remembered was that at the end of middle school I wanted to change. I wanted something fresh. I dyed it against mom's will and kept renewing the color every time it threatened to go black again. Nobody ever complimented me on it except my grandma, who was completely supportive for some reason. All things considered, it might not have mattered as much as I initially thought. Sure, I got a bit of a delinquent image around the teachers, but once I started attending classes regularly again, they stopped caring.

So this hair color did not affect my life too much. Some people disliked it, others were indifferent to it. There was nobody who honestly told me to keep it, but there was also not enough pushback to make me stop. That might have been the reason I kept doing it even in university. Because I didn't get any serious feedback. Was I so vain that I just really needed someone to pay attention? I sure hope not, but attention wasn't something I ever cared about, honestly. Slipping past people's perception and staying superficial was exactly how I had spent all those years as a student. My hair was the only thing that stood out.

Of course when you go job hunting, dyed hair was out of the question, so I stopped doing it at the end of university. I actually had to dye it black for a while, because it would take forever to grow out the brown strands with hair as long as mine. All these chemicals would probably hurt my hair in the long run too…

"I wonder which she likes better." I whispered to myself as I brushed my hair.

I admit it, I just really wanted to know what Adachi thought. It's not like I would run to the cosmetics section to buy new hair dye if she said she preferred high-school me, but it would somehow validate my choices from back then in a way. How strange it was to let the future influence the past.

"Why don't you cut it already?"

I heard an unneeded comment through the bathroom door. Mom was apparently standing behind it, waiting for her turn. Did she need to use the bath? Well, she could wait like she always did. My sister would get up soon too, so they could fight over who entered first.

Her question had now become second nature, so I just ignored it as usual. My hair wasn't going to change again, that was final. Even I didn't know why my thoughts were so spiteful. Cutting my hair was different from dyeing it. I had never cut it short since the middle of high-school. Not once. Just the bangs and some minor adjustments for the sake of tidiness, but never a pure cut. That's why it now reached all the way down to my waist and why I was stuck in this bathroom. If I figured out the reason for my hesitance to cut it, I may have realized something else about myself, which I didn't feel like exploring yet.

This was enough contemplation about hair already. Seriously.

At the train station I was taking in the sights. The crowd was somewhat smaller. Or maybe I just imagined that, either way I was early. So early in fact that I had arrived before Adachi. The time displayed on the station's prominent mechanical clock showed that it was time for her to arrive.

I lightly tapped my foot and went through my bangs. The thought that she might not be here again today did sneak up on me quickly. It happened quite rarely, at least compared to me oversleeping. Adachi was a hard and diligent worker as far as I could tell, so sometimes she would come in early to prepare for a big day. We avoided work talk almost completely, so I wasn't super certain about that or anything.

Before I could brood much more I was finally proven wrong. Adachi arrived at the gate and made her way down the escalator with a distant expression. It seemed almost like she was sleepwalking. I would know.

"Good morning."

"Mornin'."

Even her response lacked the firmness I was used to and just deflated. Was it still too soon to assume she was sick?

We boarded the train and stood shoulder to shoulder. It was a quiet sway from left to right as the curves pulled the train along. Now, it is obvious that Adachi rarely initiated conversations, but this time she barely responded to me either. Her responses were incredibly one-note and soon I felt exhausted both on topics and confidence.

My eyes wandered to the window and past our reflections. The underground tunnels were a rush of chained lights that became a long blur. So much blackness with a string of light swirling right through it. Like the nebula of a galaxy. The space just beyond a thin window was like a different world that didn't seem to fit into the city we passed under. The tightness of the tunnel became an illusion of vastness and sucked me in.

I wanted to go to space. Not specifically to be an astronaut or explore it, I just wanted to be in it. Floating at zero gravity as the darkness enveloped me whole. How free would I feel amongst the stars?

"Do you care about space, Adachi?"

"Oh. Sorry."

The woman next to me suddenly pulled away from my shoulder and took a step aside. She made distance between us. Space.

"I guess this is my fault." I smiled wryly at the realization of our misunderstanding. Without hesitation I closed the gap between our shoulders. "It sure is cramped today." I added with a mischievous tone.

I could almost see the question marks above Adachi's head as she fidgeted around and glanced at me from the side. Operation Get her Attention was finally a success. Now what?

"Have you seen the ads?" I pointed above. There were advertisement screens hung up in the train, but only one of them caught my attention.

Space tourism. A concept that was getting a lot of attention lately. Of course it was something reserved for the super rich. I certainly couldn't afford it if I worked three lifetimes. Even Adachi could hardly scratch those numbers no matter how much she worked. But ads like this were less about the feasibility and more about the fantasy.

"Seems tough."

"What?"

"The training."

Such a very Adachi thought process. Instead of fantasizing about the beauty of space, she was more practical. Sure, going up there required some serious training and preparation. Floating through space would require some familiarity with a space suit too. But did that really matter if we could never get there anyway? Reality was inconvenient, dreams suited me much better.

If only I could take Adachi there with me.

I ended up not asking her why she was late or what seemed to bother her. In retrospect I realize how callous that made me look and I didn't have any excuse. The tranquil and uneventful everyday with the occasional sprinkle of delight (which was my time with Adachi) had lulled me into a false sense of security.

That same evening she didn't reply to my texts, which may not have been that weird if we were talking about anyone else. Adachi always responded. Usually within a minute of my message being sent too. If it took her longer she tended to be overly apologetic which was a little bothersome, because it made me feel guilty too. Communication should have been declared a science or something.

Still, strange or not, I didn't think that much of it at first. Perhaps she went to sleep early. Waking her up was the least of my intentions, that's for sure.

Then the next morning Adachi didn't take the same train to work. At least I hadn't seen her, which had been more unnerving than I would like to admit. How could a crowded morning commuter train feel so empty? The presence of one person changed a lot. So did her absence.

I went to work and went back home alone. It was unusual for the two of us to meet on the return ride anyway, so I didn't put up any false hopes. There was definitely a difference in our schedule here. I couldn't say whether it was because of our jobs or due to our attitudes.

I almost never did overtime, unless someone guilt tripped me into it. I had no love for my company or my work and I wouldn't be caught trying to impress my bosses any time soon. Not taking a nap at work was my highest achievement during my first year. I probably didn't become a burden to anyone, so I at least had that going for me.

Now if you asked what Adachi was like at work I could only hazard a guess. Diligent, likely. Yeah. Then it wasn't strange if she did overtime or went to work early. It wasn't strange, but...

Again I got no reply. Or so I thought, but the next morning my hazy eyes saw a single message flare up on my bright phone screen. It was a curt reply to the random question I had sent her the day before. There was really nothing to it, but it made my heart jolt for a second. This was proof she didn't ignore me. My response came as quickly as my sleepy mind could come up with words.

Sorry, gotta go now.

Came her response the moment I finally finished my message.

"Hmm." I made an uncertain noise and turned on my back. She was leaving this early, so that meant we couldn't meet today either. This sucked.

"A'ready awake, Sis?" My little sister muttered from under her blanket one bed over.

"Nope."

I had lost all motivation to get up.

Adachi did not always go to work before me in the following weeks. We met at least three days a week.

Sadly that didn't mean all was well. Some things ran deeper than just being in the same train car. Like the dark rings below Adachi's eyes. They really didn't look good on her, though I doubt anybody could pull them off gracefully.

It was clear that she was exhausted because of something. My guess was work, but humans were plagued by a myriad of things every day. Her overtime may only have been a trigger for something else. How far could I wedge myself into her matters before I was seen as nosy? When I thought of the women at my workplace who would always needle helpless girls into divulging their entire life story, I forced myself to stop.

A feeble and non-confrontational existence like mine wasn't suited for the drama of the workplace or beyond. It wasn't my business. Even if Adachi was my friend… we were friends. That wasn't just my self-centered viewpoint, was it? I would always struggle with defining my relationships. I had called people friends that I felt no connection to and I had left behind people that I once cared about dearly.

The image of a shy girl running behind my back haunted me.

"Adachi."

"...hm?"

Her reaction was delayed. Her blinking eyes tried to muster focus.

This was it. Just one line separated me from taking a step forward. Though my legs were tied down by what felt like heavy iron chains, I probably could make it. One step, not even a leap.

How bothersome.

"What will you have for lunch?"

"Dunno."

That was it. The line moved beyond the horizon and left me behind. I failed. That voice inside me had tripped up. It was easier this way, but my face surely showed a slight frown.

I felt so tired again. My workload was the same and my efforts didn't rise either. The autumn breeze may have sapped some of my warmth, but it wasn't as bad as during the winter. The rain on stormy days just tickled the back of my mind and helped me fall asleep faster.

I was always sleeping once I was home. Drifting through dreams. This world which once served as a haven was now acting strange as well. From darkness sprang a road and then a park for children. The playground seemed to have seen some use. Right now a kid was innocently toiling away in it.

For some reason I was looking at myself from kindergarten. Me, the observer, could only watch the energetic kid dig through sand and find stuff she had previously buried there herself. She treated them all as treasures despite the fact.

This surreal third person experience lasted until the girl was looking for a bigger shovel. Where had she put it? I was sure I had lend it to Ta-

I let go of the shovel and looked at my sand covered palms. There was someone behind my small back. The girl I had come to play with. She didn't like getting dirty, but she followed me anyway. What a funny girl! I sensed her digging through the hill of sand I had created by shoveling. I bet she knew where my biggest shovel was.

"Can you help me Taru?" I turned around and…

She wasn't there. The pain going through my forehead and eyes was similar to when I had a brain freeze during my date with Adachi. Seems my childhood and current brain had overlapped there for a moment. Suddenly the silhouette of Tarumi had been overlaid with Adachi's face. I could not remember Tarumi's face no matter how much I focused. Remembering her voice and mannerisms was easier, but soon those too…

How bothersome.

"You are so strange, Shimamura."

I spun around again and this time I felt much calmer. What was peeking at me over the edge of a park bench was quite extraordinary under normal circumstances. But this was a dream. Therefore a small squishy cheeked girl with long glowing blue hair barely even seemed that special. Her shining eyes reflected my lax expression perfectly, like the clearest pond. I was myself again, the me from the present.

"That so?"

"Is it fun to spin in circles?"

"Why don't you try it?"

"Alright!" The girl jumped up and tiptoed on top of the bench's backrest. This balance act was impressive enough, but she managed to do a complete pirouette without wavering at all. Her white dress spun in a great circle, like a top. "It is very fun!" She declared with a wide smile.

That innocent joy was definitely convincing to me. That being said, this dream was not exactly making much sense anymore. This strange girl was hardly someone I was familiar with, so what was the deal with my head? Questioning dreams was pointless perhaps, but as sleeping was sort of my only hobby, divining the meaning of dreams could be seen as an important activity.

"Who are you?" I asked straightforwardly. No point in beating around the bush.

"You forgot about me?" She stretched her arms to the side while balancing on the bench and then looked down on me.

"I am pretty sure I never knew you. Did we meet before?"

"We did! You are very forgetful, Shimamura." She put a hand on her chest and raised her nose boastfully. "I am - -, an alien from the future! Are you impressed, earthling?"

"Yeah yeah, impressive." I clapped my hands lazily. My ears had experienced some weird static when she introduced herself, but now it was clear that this was just a silly dream after all. Blue haired aliens? I must have fallen asleep watching some children's TV show.

"Hehehe." The girl seemed pleased with my lip service and jumped down to the ground that started glowing in a fresh blue hue. "I like your head Shimamura. It is very spacious in here."

Did this cheeky brat just call me an airhead? I am pretty sure she did. Reflexively I grabbed those cheeky cheeks and pulled on them with the intention of making her squirm, but instead I found myself dragging them far beyond a human's stretchiness. They were so soft and elastic that I could not help playing with them some more. She didn't make a sound or looked in pain at all while I messed with her face. Strange. Is this what aliens felt like?

"I don't think I would forget someone as weird as you. Do we really know each other?" I muttered and let go of her cheeks, which took a while to regain their initial form.

"I know a lot of Shimamuras, so I know you too."

That didn't really answer any of my questions and just made things more mysterious. My name was not that uncommon of course, but most people would just think of that store. Was I seriously arguing with a figment of my imagination? I was shocked that I could even come up with this. Wasn't making her an alien and from the future just redundant, though?

"If you are really from the future, tell me the lotto numbers of next week."

"Low-toe? Is that tasty?" She tilted her head questioningly. Guess they didn't have lotto in space.

I patted her head with a bemused smile. When putting my hand on her head to stroke her hair I noticed her skin was pleasantly cool to the touch and the motion caused weird sparkles to flood the air. Her flowing blue hair really released some kind of sparkling spores, as if she was a humanoid mushroom.

"I guess an alien wouldn't know details about my planet."

"I know!"

"Really?"

"Yes. I am very knowledgeable about the occurrences on this 'Earth', but I cannot talk about them because that is classified." She raised a finger and nodded seriously. "I should not have told you that I am an alien actually."

"Why don't you just go back in time to stop yourself from telling me?" This conversation was so silly that I actually felt kind of entertained.

"Impossible. We cannot use time travel for personal reasons."

"Then why did you come to the past?"

"That is classified information."

"Figures."

Not that it mattered what time she was from. Time traveling into a dream seemed too weird even for an alien. Maybe it was time to wake up already. With a light sigh I sat down on the lonely park bench and watched the black void around us. I was kind of relieved that this alien girl appeared, because the rest of my dream had made me quite depressed. I just wanted to stop thinking, but lucid dreams like this made it hard to drown out the noise.

"Do you want one? I will give you half." The girl whose name I could not remember pulled some bag out of a pocket in her dress. It was comical how it totally would never fit into such a tiny pocket, but this was a dream, so I didn't question it. From the bag she pulled fresh doughnuts. There were at least four in there, but she only broke off half from the first one. Cheapskate.

"Thanks." I took the half handed to me and bit into it. It was fresh and warm as if she had just bought it from the bakery. I liked it a lot. Reminded me of that doughnut shop at the mall that closed a while ago.

"Your hair is very long." The girl touched my hair and spun it around her fingers.

"Yours too."

"Hehe." I hadn't exactly meant it as praise, but she seemed proud regardless.

I finished my doughnut piece and closed my eyes. What if I fell asleep within a dream? Would I wake up instead? Would I fall into the next layer of dreams? Was there an infinite loop of dreams out there, each stranger than the last? I kinda wanted to see that. The light tugging of the girl's fingers kept me awake though… or conscious. Whatever this was.

"Hey. Clean your hands first." I complained as the stickiness of her doughnut fingers finally became too much for me. I took a handkerchief from my breast pocket and wiped her fingers. This sure reminded me of how I used to take care of my little sister. Except my sister always struggled and complained, while this alien just silently let me clean her.

"Thank you."

How well behaved. Maybe I misjudged her. Something deep within me couldn't accept that conclusion at all. This girl was definitely…

"Huh. Maybe we did meet after all. I might have forgotten…"

"Of course. Earthlings have very bad memories."

"You sure don't hold back."

"It is important to be honest. That is what Shou taught me." She nodded seriously, like she had just shared sacred wisdom with me. Was I supposed to know this Shou?

"Then use your amazing memory to tell me what you are doing here. This dream was already completely booked out." I poked her puffy cheek relentlessly.

"I am keeping my promise."

"What promise?"

"The one I made to Shimamura." She said with an innocent smile.

I was fairly certain she wasn't talking about me. Naturally I didn't remember making any promises with this weirdo. If she really knew that many Shimamuras it could have been one of them. That didn't tell me what this had to do with me, though. At this point I was tired of investigating already, so I just kept poking her cheeks and looked about in a daze.

"Why did you dig through the sediments over there?" She finally asked while curiously staring at the sand box.

"I was digging for treasures." I replied with a glassy look passing over my eyes.

"Oh, like in Shou's television games."

It seemed to be in her nature to always sound like she had deep knowledge on all subjects. She still had to ask me, though. More importantly, aliens played video-games?

"Games, hm?"

"I defeated her once." Again she showed completely mysterious pride in something as meaningless as a single victory.

I played games with my sister all the time and we won and lost about equally. At least we used to do that. When had we stopped doing it together? I guess when I stopped living in our shared room. Another pang assailed my heart.

"Shou said it didn't count, because Adachi tripped over her cord and pulled it out, but I read the rulebook and it said nothing about it!" Such a smug attitude from such a small girl-

"Adachi?" My mind froze. Could it have been a coincidence? No, this was my dream, so this was my subconscious telling me to focus on what mattered.

"She is quite clumsy, but Shimamura told me that was a good thing."

Yeah, if Adachi wasn't a bit awkward she would be too high class to approach. I wished… I wished that we could talk more openly, that we could close that gap even more. Whenever I thought that, some hard core at the center of my chest tightened and threatened to suffocate me. I felt restless and weary.

"She will not disappear."

"...how do you know? Because you are a time traveler?" I looked to my side and saw the blue haired girl give me her widest grin yet.

"Because she is your Adachi."

I just stared at her for who knows how long, but she never continued. Eventually she started eating another doughnut and shook her legs at the edge of the bench.

We sat there for a long time. Until my dream was finally at an end.

My head hurt a lot. I slept too much and my blood circulation didn't do so well either. It was painful to think, but I could not stop recalling the dream. The alien girl was not real, but her words cut deep.

When it was time to make my way to work again I looked at Adachi so intensely that she noticed despite her sleep-deprived state. Questioning eyes, full of something hard to describe. She had rather pretty eyes and now they turned quite shifty. My presence made her nervous. If I pressured her too much she might have fled. That was what my gut told me, even if it was ridiculous to expect Adachi to flee on a cramped train.

Things had a habit of getting away from me. I couldn't keep them tied down. I could satisfy my conscience by saying that it was out of my power like when I lost Gon… but that was just running away from the truth. I pushed everything away. I just barely kept myself tethered between the corners of my social net, but if someone came too close I ran away. If they got too close I was bound to lose them again. In that case it would be preferable to keep a more casual distance. I knew that was the right path.

I didn't want to feel so angry again. So sad.

Adachi kept looking at me, but my lips stayed tightly shut. She probably sensed my struggle somehow, because her hand was tightly clasped on the support above from her growing tension.

Several sentences were stuck to the back of my gums. Questions. Worries. Complaints. I threatened to choke on them.

Then the train announcement came to warn us of our next stop. My station. This was the end of our joint ride already. I would step out those doors having accomplished absolutely nothing. The loop was going to repeat. It was not a happy path, but it was comfortably passive. We had spoken to each other on a whim and we had some good times, but Adachi…

She really…

"I don't want you to go to work. It's annoying."

It had slipped out without my consent.

My eyes widened with alarm and I turned to the door. I could already see the platform of the station brush past the windows.

What I had said could not be taken back. There is no way I could play it off as a joke either. Adachi's lack of a response either meant she was stunned or weirded out. It was getting harder to ignore her reflection in the window.

What was she thinking? What would she say? I didn't know and not knowing made it impossible to take this silence any longer. Understanding people was not worth it. It just wasn't. Tomorrow this may have been forgotten already or Adachi would ignore me from now on for acting like an idiot. She already ignored me the last few weeks anyway.

I pressed myself against the door and it opened automatically. I was pushed out with the stream of people and taken away from the train. If I let it get to me then I could not keep going through the motions, so I hardened my heart.

How bother-

My hand was snatched from behind and my feet got planted into the tiled floor. With wide eyes I spun my head around.

"Shimamura, wait!"

Adachi was outside of the train. On my side of the door she stood in the crowd, ignoring the elbows and pushing. Her worried eyes captured me and held me in place.

The train gave the signal and the doors closed. The last chance to get back on was gone

As the crowd around us cleared, only two women were left. Adachi and I.

"I w-won't let go until you tell me what you want clearly." She spoke with blatantly forced bravery, but that false bravado was incredibly endearing to me right now.

What did I want?

I looked at our connected hands and I started to understand what that was just a little more myself.