Offtrack

I made a mistake.

That was the only truth I could figure out on my own that morning when things changed between us. Never had I seen Shimamura look so sad. I didn't want that. Out of all the things in this world, that was the thing I wanted the least. The grogginess I had felt for weeks was wiped away by concern and anxiety as I watched her leave the train. There was no way to explain it, but I felt that if I didn't chase her right then, I would have lost her forever.

Before I realized it my feet were already outside the train and my hand grasped her arm. No matter what happened next, I only wanted her to look at me. Even if that was an uncalled for desire, something I should have felt ashamed of, I needed to know what Shimamura was thinking. If something bothered her then I wanted to be the one she turned to. If there was a burden that crushed her, then maybe my feeble arms could support her.

I don't want you to go to work. It's annoying.

That was the only thing she had said, but it was more than enough. I had made her unhappy somehow. So it was up to me to rectify that however I could.

Some time passed with us just standing still on the platform of the train station. Eventually another train stopped on the opposite track and more people flooded in and out, but we did not move at all. Shimamura's eyes were fixed on me, which made me feel really nervous, but I forced myself to keep looking back by holding my neck in place so tightly that it creaked.

I knew it was up to her to answer me. She had gathered to courage to tell me something was wrong, so now I needed to have the courage to withstand my anxiety and just stay firm. Luckily Shimamura's expression did soften up and she gave me an incredibly fragile smile.

"Wanna skip work?"

"…sure."

If that was what it took I would gladly do that.

Afterwards we had moved to a café outside the train station and sat across each other at one of the round white tables. Right after deciding on our outrageous plan we made calls to our work places. Calling in sick during this incredibly busy time was going to get me a lot of flak, but I finished the call without remorse. There was no reason to look back while Shimamura sat in front of me.

"That's only the second time I played hooky since I got this job." Shimamura muttered as she spun the straw inside her iced coffee. Her short glance my way was quite inquisitive.

"I had no sick leave yet. First time for everything… haha…" My throat was even drier than before I had downed the cold sparkling water I had ordered, so I coughed.

"Your fake cough might still need some improvement then. I don't think they will buy it." She replied with a chuckle.

I hadn't intended to make a gag out of it, but this time I felt thankful for my messed up body. The sweltering heat of embarrassment wouldn't leave me regardless. Maybe I should have poured the water over my face instead to cool down. Those thoughts were just flying around inside my head among dozens of others. Despite going this far, I didn't really know how to proceed. If Shimamura was the one who needed help, then why was she carrying the conversation again? I bit my lip till I could taste iron.

"Shimamura… y-you seem, er, bothered?"

"Oh. Yeah, I guess." She stirred her drink again and looked away a little shyly. My heart inexplicably punched my chest in response. "Adachi, I'm sorry for dragging you along. You probably have something important waiting for you at work."

Something important? Maybe that was one way to put it. The project the chief supervisor had pushed on me was much bigger than I expected, that was true. Having to organize a group, trying to work with people… it was exhausting. I just wanted to go home and forget about it, but the hours got longer and longer the closer we came to finishing the deal. All this was worth it though… to keep my job. To protect our connection.

But there was something wrong about that. It had been lingering at the corner of my mind for a while already, but my thoughts had been too muddled to figure it out. Every day I thought that I was just putting my effort into it so I could return to how things were before. But each time the job got bigger and more departments joined in. My co-workers talked about promotions and changes, but I never joined in. The realization was slowly setting in that things were going to change for good.

These dreary thoughts didn't belong here, not in front of her. I had to show her my smile. I had to.

"It doesn't matter. I want to know what you meant."

"About that." She sighed and put her iced coffee aside. "Can't we just forget what I said? It was kind of embarrassing."

Was it that easy? Just forget and move on, how very Shimamura-esque. Maybe. I had never seen her angry or resentful. She never seemed to be bothered for long. That's exactly why the slight edge to her words on the train had cut so deeply. Which was the real Shimamura? The one who just went with the flow or the one who looked so sad?

"If that's what you want…" Those words came so easy to my lips. Just take her side and leave it behind. This flow was relentless and the source of the stream was my own desire to appeal to her. I had noticed it right away, but how could anyone hope to swim upstream?

"Well, if I'm going to act like a high-school delinquent, might as well make the most of it." She suddenly declared and pushed herself up from the plastic chair. "Where does the honor student Adachi want to go?"

I tilted my head slightly to the side and smiled wryly. For Shimamura to treat me like someone diligent and noble, I had to be awfully stiff. I knew that she was teasing me, but I couldn't ignore that she kept mistakenly praising me. If she knew how hollow I was, would she feel appalled? That thought burned in the back of my mind.

"I know a place."

"I've been here so much a while ago, but it changed a lot." Shimamura commented while looking up.

We stood inside a large mall. This was the biggest mall of our hometown, one of the few places where people could hang out. This was my hiding spot back in high school, my haven from the heat of summer and the cold of winter. If there was any place I would go to when I was trying to run away, it might as well have been this one. Even at this time there were quite a few people walking around the shops and stands. Mostly senior citizens and housewives. We kinda stood out with our office attires.

"You too?"

"Hmm, guess everyone knows this place." She nodded.

Didn't that mean we could have passed each other here before without realizing? I usually went home after it was time for school to end, but on some days I may have lingered longer, so I could have encountered Shimamura on a date with her friends.

Her friends…

"Hm?" I held my chest in confusion. A short pain had gone through it, a bit like heartburn. I didn't remember eating any breakfast, though. Actually, that may have been the reason.

"This is where the doughnut shop was. They already moved in, huh?" Shimamura was looking at the store façade on the first floor. It was some kind of health shop that sold homeopathic treatments and instructional guides for healthy diets. Ironic.

"I never had one from them."

"You missed out! Let's find some doughnuts then."

Somehow we had found a goal and moved forward together. Shimamura took the lead as expected, but she occasionally slowed down and took a look at other stores. Perhaps she was looking for familiar spots. I did recognize some myself, but it had been a really long time since I had actually been here properly. Maybe almost five years. Time flew by if you were not tethered to anything. The world kept spinning on its axis and when your feet did not touch the ground, you flew past it as well.

Shimamura was holding her office bag with her hand as she spun on her heels to look around. Her hand was slim and soft looking. She probably didn't hold anything heavier than a pen at her job. I remembered the feeling of our fingers touching, intertwining. The connection we had created at the theme park. I wanted to feel it again.

"T-there is a bakery up there." I frantically pointed above to distract myself from those thoughts.

"Good eye. Let's check out their doughnuts."

Shimamura nodded and led me to the escalator. Her footing was a bit unsteady as her heels got stuck in the gaps of the ascending steps. She might have lost her balance. It was clearly dangerous. That's why I had to do it.

Without saying a word I grabbed her hand in mine and stood beside her. We didn't intertwine, we didn't weave our fingers; it was just a simple connection. The same way a parent would hold their child's hand. That's it.

"Hmm." Shimamura looked at our hands and then back up to me.

Could she not stare at me so intensely? I was already crumbling inside after just a moment and my hand loosened. I knew it had been too forward and weird!

But the moment I tried to let go, her grip intensified. She didn't let me pull away. I didn't understand what was going through her head and I did feel the heat spread across my face quickly. I had to look away to hide it, but I was pretty sure my neck was red as well. We stayed connected all the way up the escalator and even beyond it.

Surrounded by elderly couples and women buying groceries, we definitely stood out. It was abnormal for two adult women to hold hands, right? I had the image that we could have gotten away with it in middle school or maybe even in high school, but now we just attracted so much attention.

Even so, Shimamura didn't let go.

"Four doughnuts please." She ordered with her free hand and pointed at the selection case.

"Four?"

"I'll give one to my sister." She explained and took the paper bag from the clerk. She didn't seem to notice that this still left one pastry unaccounted for. Did she have someone else she would deliver it to?

We sat down on a bench and finally separated our hands to focus on holding our food. My doughnut was covered in chocolate and filled with cream. Shimamura's had a pink topping and sprinkles. After taking a few bites she seemed to lighten up and made some approving noises. It was incredibly cute.

"Is yours tasty?" She asked me curiously.

"Mhm." I nodded vaguely. It was alright. I didn't care too much about the taste honestly. I was more fascinated with Shimamura's small bites. No matter how many times I watched her eat, she really had a peculiar way of biting into things. It was not quite petite, just… casual? She bit at random and then looked delighted. It was cute. Yup. Cute.

"If you want some of mine you should just ask." She raised a brow after noticing my long stare. Without waiting for my response she held the pastry in front of my mouth. With spinning eyes I bit into the same part her lips had just touched and chewed quickly. "Is it good?"

I nodded frantically. I had no idea what it tasted like, because my mouth just moved like metal compactor. It probably tasted sweet, though. At least some sweetness spread through my cheeks. Didn't Shimamura realize that this was an indirect-

While I slapped my cheeks repeatedly, Shimamura turned her head to look through the mall lazily. Didn't seem like she was thinking much of it at all.

"Let's go there next."

We finished our food and moved yet another floor up, into the place she had spotted from below. The place was pretty empty at this time of day, but the loud noises from inside might have fooled you into thinking the opposite. It was an arcade.

"You probably don't play many video-games."

"Nope."

"Then let's go to the back. I remember something interesting." She was already on the move.

Passing by all the glowing and beeping machines around us, she headed for the back area beyond an entryway. This was where the bigger attractions where hidden away. I definitely spotted a pool table and an air hockey table as well, but Shimamura passed them by and we ended up with something quite unusual.

"Isn't it super weird to have this around?"

So that's why she remembered this place. I honestly might have been unable to forget about it too if I had ever gone in here. This didn't fit my image of arcades at all.

There was a ping pong table leaned against the brown wall. It was quite easy to unfold and set up, but why was this here? Air hockey was at least a little electronic, but this was as analog as it gets. Then again, so were billiards and the darts stands in the back. The lit up displays and digital score boards didn't change that fact for me.

Ping pong – or table tennis – was something you'd see at a school or a hot spring maybe. In fact, wasn't there an old table tennis table up on the gym's second floor at our alma mater? I started to wonder why I kept remembering so many things from my past lately. I thought I had deleted it all from my brain.

"Are you any good at it?"

"I don't know. Do you have practice, Shimamura?"

"I haven't played it since school." She said with a shrug.

That meant we were probably even. I wasn't honestly very interested in playing it, but it beat just walking around the mall for now. As long as Shimamura kept looking satisfied I was happy. My chest was getting warm, so I dropped my jacket over a chair and pulled the table back. There were some rackets hung up on the wall, but I couldn't find any balls. Guess that made sense. This was a business after all. When I turned around to look for a clerk I already saw Shimamura come back with a ball in her hand. She had rented it for us.

"Prepare yourself, Sakura. I might not be able to avoid hitting you with this." She said with a smirk and flicked the ball up and down with her hand.

"B-bring it on!"

"Aren't you all fired up?"

She didn't seem to have the same enthusiasm. Her serve was incredibly off center, so she missed the ball. With a disgruntled expression she picked it up and tried again. This time she managed to hit it, but it bounced off the plate rather weakly, so I could easily hit it back. That was an easy point for me.

"Sorry."

"Oh? Did you just pity me? Now you've got it coming!"

The way she acted like an upset elementary schooler on purpose was incredibly funny to me. I would have liked to say that I was doing better than her, but my serve missed even worse than hers.

Our exchanges were rough, but I did think we improved a bit as the rounds went on. At least we managed to exchange the ball up to five times by the end. Surprisingly I got a bit into it, especially when Shimamura showed me her tenacious side. Neither of us were especially agile or fit and our work clothes restricted our movements, but I genuinely believed it was fun. If only I could have remembered that one shot I saw during a TV match that I passed through a long time ago. Something about an incredible smash. I would have liked to see Shimamura's surprised expression if I pulled it off.

"Look at us, trying so hard. Should have joined the table tennis club back in high school." Shimamura said between labored breaths.

She had sat down on a chair and was fanning her face with her racket. Getting her blouse sweaty like this gave her an entirely different image. With her long hair flowing wildly in the air during those dashes she had looked like a beautiful whirlwind. I had missed quite a few balls, because I was so focused on her. Hopefully she didn't notice.

"I don't think there was a club for that."

"Makes sense, that's why the tables were stored upstairs, I guess." She nodded and wiped some sweat with her sleeve. She really was a bit inelegant.

"I never joined any clubs…"

"Really? You seemed into it."

"Yeah. It was fun." I nodded with a light smile.

"Yup, we sure worked hard."

Working hard on our 'sick leave' seemed more than a bit ironic. This was completely different from the times I had played hooky in school. This was not a way to waste time, it was really fun. I never had any desire to go to an arcade, let alone play ping pong. If this was just a way to kill time I would have given up after maybe three exchanges. Getting sweaty for that would be silly. But here I was, sweaty and gasping for air. If I could not enjoy this on my own, then it stood to reason that what actually made me enjoy myself came from the outside.

I glanced at Shimamura from the corner of my eyes and followed a sweat drop that ran down her face, then passed her neck and eventually ended up in her cleavage. I gulped and hastily pulled out my water bottle to distract myself. If I didn't stop staring so much she would definitely notice. I had no idea how to explain myself if she did.

"Is this what it's like to act driven? Is this how you act at work?" Shimamura muttered under her breath and stared up at the ceiling lights. Her eyes were a bit distant, so I figured she wasn't aware that she had spoken out loud.

"I don't think so." My response was curt, but her back straightened out immediately and she gave me a wide-eyed look. Oops.

"You know, Adachi, you really give me a headache sometimes." She held her forehead and smiled self-depreciatingly. "I'm sorry for acting weird this morning."

"No no, it's-"

"I said we should forget about it, but is that fine with you?"

I stopped my upturned hands and thought about it. Shimamura was bothered by something, but instead of telling me, she asked for my opinion instead. What was going on? I wanted to know. That must have been written on my face as well, because she hung her head a little after I squirmed around.

It would have been fine to just let this day be a happy memory and move on, that's what I thought. If Shimamura cheered up that would make me happy. Definitely. But even someone as socially incompetent as me could tell there was more to this. Sometimes you had to hurt more before you could get better. Someone told me that back when I was sick at home. I didn't want to remember that woman… I didn't want to. But those words stuck with me.

"Please tell me." I finally said it.

"This is going to make me look pretty stupid, but I also feel stupid for staying quiet." She nodded as she picked up the racket and suddenly moved back to the table. Her small nod told me to come along. We took our positions and started exchanging the ball again. "Did something happen at work?"

That wasn't an explanation at all. Instead she returned to questioning me. How confusing.

"I got a big project. Maybe there will be a promotion." I answered honestly and returned her ball with a stiff swing.

"Congrats. That's impressive, right?" She flicked her wrist.

"Y-yeah. It's a lot, though." Riposte.

"You stay at work till late?" Smash.

"Yes." Block.

"Thanks for trying to respond to my messages even when you are tired." Diagonal play.

"Ah! I-I'm sorry, I always read them, but I don't know what-" Miss.

"Stop apologizing! I was thanking you." High serve.

"R-right. But I want to talk more, actually." Counter.

"So do I!" Smash.

"Then… then let's call each other before I go to sleep!" Hit.

"Sounds good to… me." Last second save.

This was the most furious exchange since we started playing today. I had no idea what was going on, but this time we really didn't want to give up on the ball. Shimamura's words were flying through the air alongside the ball and I threw them back to her. I still didn't understand what she was getting at, though. We were just talking about small matters again.

Unless…

Unless the reason Shimamura was conflicted was because of these 'small' matters. It hit me all at once, much like the ball that got smashed against my chest.

The last few weeks we barely talked, we barely exchanged words. I had not managed to focus at all, because I was always tired. I could not recall a single conversation between us. This must have been Shimamura's way to point me at the right direction. Her swings were fueled by the desire to express her thoughts without saying it. I was really putting her on the spot with my denseness. I was such an idiot!

"What am I doing?" I said with a regretful expression and picked up the ball from the ground.

This entire time I was working so hard to protect our connection. To meet her on the train, to have a reason to stay connected. But along the way I had actually left her behind. What purpose was there to my struggles if I just ignored her and stayed quiet? Even if I kept my job or rose the ranks, what was the point if Shimamura didn't care to talk to me anymore?

"You are amazing, Adachi." Shimamura stated with a slightly flushed face and put down her racket. "But if you get too amazing, then I don't think I can keep up." Her eyes turned up and she sighed again. "I give up. Let's have a rematch some other time."

"Okay." I agreed quickly. It's not like either of us actually kept score. Numbers were utterly irrelevant now.

We freshened up a little and left the arcade. The exhaustion in my limbs was strangely pleasant. It felt like we had worked out more than our muscles in there. And because of that I had come to some realizations myself.

I wanted to be closer to Shimamura. Not just a bit either. This entire time I had been holding back so much. Not calling her, not asking her to meet all the time. I wanted to be reasonable, I wanted to stay at an appropriate distance. Because of this distance I enforced, our only connection had been that train ride to work. That's what I truly thought, but Shimamura showed me countless times that wasn't true. I was just too stupid to realize it. How much longer could I let her carry us forward?

No more. I wanted to be brave.

With a determined expression I moved my hand and touched hers. She seemed surprised for a moment, but then she let me take her hand without resistance. There was no escalator, not chance of her falling or of getting swept up by the crowd. It wasn't Shimamura who connected us this time. This was my choice.

"Shimamura, I-"

"ShimaShima? What a coincidence!"

A woman called out from behind us and in the next moment our hands were separated. Shimamura had pulled away instantly. I looked at my empty hand with a stiff expression.

"Hino?"

Shimamura looked surprised and waved in greeting to the approaching woman. Whoever she was, she stood out like a sore thumb. More than even us. Wearing a kimono inside a mall during this autumn time was definitely odd. As formal and elegant as her outfit looked, this small woman herself looked incredibly aloof. The way she had waved and called Shimamura made her seem like an old friend, too casual to even care about appearances.

Who was she?

"Never thought I'd meet you here at this time, Shimaaa. Talk about the whims of fate and all that." The woman named Hino hopped closer and then bowed her head to me in a playful fashion. "Nice to meet you, I'm Hino Akira."

"…"

"This is Adachi. She's a friend." Shimamura jumped in quickly after noticing my suspicious expression and refusal to respond.

"Ho? Adachi? Adacchi? Don't I know you from somewhere?" She tapped her chin exaggeratedly.

"We went to the same school."

"Yes! That's definitely it. We went to the same class in year two!" She dramatically pointed at me. I didn't remember her at all by the way. Why did this small girl woman remember random classmates she never talked to? And how was she connected to Shimamura. That was all I cared about.

"Are you out shopping?"

"Right on the money, dear Shima. Just buying some tea leaves for home. I don't really want to go back right away, so let's go somewhere."

"Uhm, sure." Shimamura seemed to be conflicted, but she still agreed quite easily.

"How do you know each other?" I couldn't suppress my burning questions anymore.

"We went to the same class in year one and three." Hino replied for her like it was natural. "We are old friends. When's the last time we've seen each other? Back when you still went to university?"

"Yeah." Shimamura nodded thoughtfully. "It's been a while."

"This really is a super lucky day then. What are you doing here anyway? Isn't it a weekday?" She seemed to only realize our odd circumstances right now. How was she not sure what day it was?

"Haha… long story." She evaded the question. "Where's Nagafuji?"

"Why do people always ask me that?" Instantly Hino's curiosity turned to resignation. "I am not her keeper, y'know?"

"Well, you were always together back then, so."

"So I have to keep track of her? That airhead is probably at the meat shop as usual." She rubbed the back of her head and gave a reply anyway. Then why did she make such a big deal about not knowing?

"She really took over the family business?" Shimamura gave a sardonic smile.

"Took over? Are you crazy? She can barely serve customers! She's just helping out. Most of the time she is freeloading at my place. It's really annoying, because I can't hang out at hers then." She grumbled about something that made no sense to me. All I could really gather is that this Nagafuji was really close to Hino.

Shimamura was friends with these oddballs? She had never mentioned them. Not that she had to. She didn't.

Somehow I felt a painful fire in my chest. It was completely different from the warmth that had spread through it before. Now it was just eating up my organs and making me feel hollower. Watching Shimamura talk to someone I didn't know, to see her casually converse with some woman… why did it… hurt? I wanted to drag her away; that was my strongest instinct. With all my mental fortitude I suppressed it and just listened to them talk.

"So how did you two meet Adacchi? I don't think you were friends during high school." Her clever gaze had caught me off-guard and her perceptiveness bothered me. She should have stayed out of our business. Was she trying to hammer home that they were friends for longer than us?

"…" I gave her an unhappy glare. I noticed that Shimamura was looking at me intently as well, this time I lowered my gaze in response. "We met on the way to work."

"Sounds like fate to me. How delightful." For a second she showed some ladylike expression only to return to her casual joking smile. "So what say you? Wanna eat something good?"

"Hmm." Shimamura was still looking at me. The gears seemed to be turning inside her head. "Maybe another time. We actually had plans already." She said something unexpected and Hino sighed as if she had lost something in response.

"Shima-?"

"Let's talk again soon then! You can come to my place any time, Mura."

"Please don't call me that… But alright. I'll think about it. You have pretty nice baths." Shimamura grinned.

"You sound just like Nagafuji." She shook her head in feigned exasperation. "See ya around Adacchi."

I wished that I would not meet her again. And the fact that I really meant that was kind of scary to me. The flaring in my chest slowly died down as proximity to the kimono woman was lowered.

Eventually it was just me and Shimamura on the square in front of the mall. We looked at the bright sun and felt the cool wind on our faces.

"I didn't think I would ever see you jealous." She said without any fanfare.

Jealous?

My body turned rigid and I suppressed my arms' shaking.

I had been jealous. That was the all-consuming dark flame eating away at me. She was right.

"Just kidding. You wouldn't get jealous over some old acquaintance, right?" This time it was like she was cornering me on purpose.

I didn't respond that day.

But I did learn to be more careful. My prior realization now mixed with this new emotion and I knew that I could not let myself loose. If I ever showed Shimamura what was inside my heart, she may not have been able to accept it.

That would have been the worst outcome… because I might have been in love with her.