Force Majeure

The restaurant's chime went off quietly as I pushed the door open. A wave of cool air pleasantly brushed against my face, freshening up my warm cheeks. I heard her steps right behind me and then the sound of the door falling shut next to us. Outside we were greeted by a semi-busy street and the entirely grey sky. I adjusted my coat to block the wind and then looked to my side to see Shimamura do the same.

"That was so good." She exclaimed with a satisfied expression and stretched her arms and legs to loosen them up. The seats in the restaurant had been a bit hard, now that I thought about it.

"Mhm." I nodded weakly.

"I know that face, Sakura. You don't even remember what the food tasted like." She poked my side with a raised brow.

"Wha-? Of course it was g-good!" I stuttered in response and turned my face away. She wasn't wrong, though. I had spent most of my focus on watching her eat… again.

"Don't you feel bad for the okonomiyaki? Yours almost got burned." She wrapped a finger around a strand of her long hair and watched the cars pass us by in a blur. Her eyes seemed to be looking at some distant scenery. "If you didn't want to eat okonomiyaki again we could have gone to the Italian family restaurant down the street." I should probably have wondered how Shimamura was so familiar with the food places in this area, but my mind was on more important matters.

"Huh? But we aren't…" I scratched my ear distractedly and then cleared my throat. "I am fine with whatever you want to eat. You have good taste."

"Yes, yes, how compliant you are Adachi." She reverted to my family name, which stung a little. "But I'd rather know what you like to eat-" She stopped her needling mid-sentence as something touched her nose. It was a single drop of water. And then another. When you combine many drops over a large area it would be referred to as - "Rain." Shimamura shielded her eyes from the first timid raindrops.

I held forward my hand and let a few drops gather on my palm. It wasn't cold or anything. The wind also hadn't been anything but pleasantly fresh. Despite the late autumn temperatures we were still doing fine with just a coat. Even so, if we were to get soaked now I couldn't guarantee Shimamura's health. That was a really awful feeling. If only I had brought an umbrella!

We hurried towards a nearby bus stop with a roof and sat down next to each other. There wasn't any need to look at the schedule, because this bus led in the wrong direction. All we needed was shelter from the downpour that had reached us now. There were no people here this late afternoon, which was unusual. Or was it? With the cloudy sky most people had probably correctly assumed it would be raining soon. We hadn't even noticed when we met up and made our way here. All I could think about at that time was how stunning Shimamura looked in her coat and thigh-high boots.

I stole a glance at her again. I kept doing it unconsciously. Until it became conscious, but that didn't stop me either. A weird swirl of emotions was blocking out my reason lately. The things that went unspoken between us increased even though we talked more than ever each day. Calling Shimamura had become my ritual before going to sleep and it had established itself as my favorite part of the day. To some it may have sounded pathetic, I was sure of that, but hearing her voice somehow healed my soul. The stress that piled up from my new position at work seemed to slowly drip away under the shower of her words.

My heart tightened. Even though I kept trying to avoid addressing them, I knew these feelings weren't normal. It had been so clear to me on that day, but now I was making excuses to myself at every turn. After all, how could it be true?

How could I of all people have fallen in love?

The intense heat that spread from the center of my stomach was making me restless and the isolated bus stop seemed to turn into a sauna. I was definitely sweating already and my shiftiness had to be suspicious. There was no place for me to escape while the downpour locked us down. The knowledge that I was this close to Shimamura in some kind of isolated world of our own made my heart race.

Another glance told me that Shimamura was completely serene. The total opposite of me. She was just watching the clouds pour their contents on the city with an expression of content. I had seen this before, the emptiness and satisfaction people showed when watching rain from a secure and dry spot. I didn't understand the fascination. Not really. But I was certainly fascinated watching something as well.

"It doesn't calm down." Shimamura muttered under her breath.

Two buses had passed us by now. They had stopped shortly and left behind no passengers. We didn't get on and we didn't move. The vehicles hummed as they moved past us and the squeaking of windshield wipers became distant again. Daylight was getting dimmer, especially with the barrier of rain clouds between it and the city. The temperatures also began to drop, even if I couldn't feel the cold at all. I could tell by a single shiver on Shimamura's body.

I pulled out my phone and checked the weather app. It didn't say anything about a storm, only about light precipitation. Sixty percent chance. So much for the power of meteorology. We were on our own here to guess how the weather would evolve.

"We could take the next bus and then ride the opposite line to the station." I went through some options while checking the schedule.

"I would still have to walk home for a good distance." Shimamura pointed out as she cupped her chin. Then she gave me a glint. "And it would be inconvenient for you, right? You live pretty close to here."

My shoulders twitched a little. That comment was not what I expected. How did Shimamura know my apartment was in the area? The restaurant was so close I didn't even need to take the bus actually. It was a lucky coincidence for me, but out of the way for Shimamura herself. She was the one who suggested this place, so I didn't object, but in hindsight it made it harder for her to get home.

"I don't mind going with you. We can buy an umbrella at the station." I raised a good point in my opinion. But Shimamura gave me a weird look and then got up from the seat.

Her long hair had already dried from the few rain drops that had hit her before, but the cold had turned her nose a little red. Without much fanfare she invaded my personal space and cornered me in front of the schedule on the wall. The light flicker of the electrical light threw shadows over one side of our faces.

"You need to take a hint, Adachi."

That's all she said before she let go of the pressure that kept my confined. She turned her back to me and watched a car swerve through the puddles nearby.

A hint? It wasn't like I was stupid. I wasn't. The solution was obvious to both of us. My plan was roundabout and careful, but I only brought it up to avoid the easy solution. Shimamura had brought it up for a reason and if I wasn't so sure that my mind was just making up weird scenarios, I might have even wondered if she had planned for this.

No. No way.

"We could split on a cab?" I made one last stand.

"Are you made of money Adachi? I know your job pays well, but can you just call cabs on a whim?" Her eyes told me that hers didn't. It was also clear that if I said I'd pay her share, my chances for a positive response were nil. A cab at this time and for that distance was quite expensive, even in our town. Better than getting soaked of course, but I could see that this was not going to work.

Our course was already set, huh?

"Then… do you want to stay at my place until it passes?"

Shimamura's mouth twisted into a victorious smile.

Even hurrying along the shortest possible route didn't spare us from getting soaked. I had taken most overhanging rooftops and trees into account, but we still made it to my apartment complex with wet hair and squeaking boots. The place was not rundown or anything, but there was an air about it that gave the impression of a motel more than a place of residence. The tenants around me were all single college men or fresh graduates as far as I could tell. It was affordable, well located and generally clean. The landlord vetted everyone thoroughly.

Of course it was not nearly as welcoming as Shimamura's house. I felt an unreasonable sense of shame for taking her here already. All the worse because I had no time to prepare for it at all. Unlike her that time when I visited her home, I could hardly make her wait in front of the door until I cleaned up. We were freezing here.

My shaking hand turned the key and with a light push I opened the door to my apartment. The pounding of rain behind us got number as we entered the hallway, then it stopped completely when Shimamura closed the door.

"Please wait here for a sec." I pulled my feet out of my boots and ran to the bathroom, not minding the trail of water I left behind. Just as quickly I had returned with a few towels. I handed her a white one and then wiped myself dry. She had already taken off her coat and her boots as well, which revealed immaculately dry socks. How enviable.

"Thanks." This woman that had somehow invaded my home was not acting very intrusive for now. She simply wiped her face and then her very long hair. As much as I envied her feet, that mess of a wet hair curtain looked incredibly exhausting to dry. She didn't complain, but I could see it in her expression that she got tired soon.

"…uhm." My eyes shifted around, but all I could really do was stare at my own towel. My hair was longer than it had been all the way back in high school, but it was still only a shoulder length side-tail. Putting on dry socks was my only real concern. That's why my hands were free to- To do what exactly? My hand was raised and the towel was hanging in the air. Shimamura had noticed and gave me a questioning look.

Eventually she turned around and held up her hair silently. That was her go ahead, right?

Carefully I took her wet hair into my hand and took in its sensation. I was just going to help her dry it, so why did this feel like I was doing something outrageous? My grip turned mechanical quickly and she gasped from the pain as I pulled too strongly. My incompetence was shameful. With a lot of effort I kept loosening my fingers and just gently stroked her hair with the towel. It wasn't very effective, but preferable to tearing it out of her scalp.

"Say Adachi." She spoke while facing the door. "What do you think about me cutting my hair?"

I stopped my hands and stared at the back of her head. The question had taken me by surprise, but it wasn't a big deal. Shimamura was just making small-talk. Nonetheless, if she asked my opinion I wanted to take it seriously. I made it quite clear by now that I loved her flowing dark brownish hair. There was no way I would dislike Shimamura's looks even if she decided to shave her hair completely, although I didn't want to imagine that at all. The thing that attracted me most to her was… her face. Yes, I liked her pretty face. Not that this was the only thing I liked, I may have phrased that badly. Shimamura's presence was… her smile did… Pretty much every part of her body was right.

My cheeks were flushed again as I lost myself in dumb thoughts. With some effort I returned to drying her hair and took a few sharp breaths between my clenched teeth.

Hair. Her hair. Shimamura's hair. If I had to be perfectly honest, I didn't want to change anything about it right now. That was the conclusion I came to. Yes, I would like any hairstyle she could throw at me, but imagining Shimamura cutting her hair really short like was popular among office ladies lately… It seemed like a waste. If she wore the same short haircut as all the women at my workplace, she would lose some of her uniqueness. That was so selfish that I wanted to punch my own gut for thinking it.

"Ah, I was thinking about going back to the length it was around high-school." Noting my conflicted mood she finally added more context for me.

Oh. I remembered the photo she sent me of her graduation. Her hair back then had already been considerably long. And also dyed. Would she dye it again? No wait, this was about the haircut.

"I think that is… nice." Yes, nice. It was a good compromise between the two, for me at least. What mattered was that Shimamura would feel more relaxed when taking care of it; that was my opinion even if I was not exactly an expert. The unwelcome thought of not being able to assist her like this in the future snuck itself into my head for a moment, but I kicked it out sternly.

"That's good then. I am glad you are on my side." She affirmed slowly.

Soon after we more or less managed to finish (though it was still moist). Shimamura turned around and looked over my shoulder. Her curiosity was palpable and I returned to reality. The reality of Shimamura being in my apartment. My body instinctively moved in front of her to block the way. She raised a brow and then ducked under my arms and weaved past me.

I spun around a little panicked, but maybe not for the reason you would expect. Shimamura's hair may have been mostly dry now, but her blouse… it was slightly soaked. How could I possibly stay calm like this?!

"Hmm, you really don't have a lot of furniture. Do you have a separate kitchen?"

"W-wait!" I rushed after her with a red face.

It had taken no time at all before Shimamura had inspected my entire apartment. The kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom and my living room. That's all there was, but just how much could my heart take? She had seen my sloppy lifestyle, the way my clothes were strewn about the bed, the empty bottles of shampoo I had left lying in the bathroom and most importantly the dirty dishes and trash I had yet to take care of.

"You seriously don't even have a TV?" Shimamura looked at me doubtfully as she sat on my armchair. It was the only seating arrangement I had, so I had pulled over a cardboard box and sat down on it.

"I don't watch TV." I replied curtly.

"For some reason I am not as surprised as I thought I would be." She exclaimed with a shrug. "So you don't really play video-games either then?"

"I have some apps on my phone?" I responded vaguely. I thought that was a weird thing to ask right now. Weren't video-games more for boys? Or at least younger people like Shimamura's little sister. To be fair, even if I was younger or a boy, I doubt I would have been very interested in that hobby regardless.

"You don't have any food in the fridge. Just thought I would warn you in advance." She said with a smirk and played with the fringe of the tablecloth.

"We ate out today." I muttered and folded my hands between my legs while hanging my head in shame. Shimamura's eyes turned softer and she leaned her chin on one hand.

"I don't like cooking either, but eating only store lunches and cup noodles is not good for you. My mom would probably drag you to our house and make you eat proper dinner every day if she found out." Her dry expression made me unsure of whether she was kidding. "Most of it will be diet dishes, though." She added with a sigh.

It was not that I was against cooking for myself. There was just no real difference between making food and just eating prepared food to me. Neither the taste nor the feeling of fulfillment after a meal were any different. I heard that some people derived joy and pride from making a dish and that was a feeling more fulfilling than the actual meal. To me a full stomach just meant I wouldn't have to fuel up for a while. Shimamura and I were just fundamentally different here. She may not have liked cooking, but she loved eating. I simply didn't care for either.

"I am sorry."

"Why are you apologizing to me? I am not your mom." She chuckled. After seeing my downcast expression she tilted her head slightly. "Do you want to make a deal?"

"Huh?"

"If I get over my laziness and cook occasionally, then in return I want you to cook something as well." She leaned back in the soft chair and smiled expectantly.

Her proposition simply left me confused. What kind of deal was that? Who benefited here? So if she started cooking for herself I should give her the same effort in return? Even if I was presumptuous and assumed Shimamura knew how much I cared about her health and diet, was that really something of equal value? Her mother cooked for her anyway, so she wouldn't end up malnutritioned like me. Basically she would be taking on some extra effort just so that I would be less of a failure as a person.

It hurt a bit. This kindness stung my heart like a dagger.

"I'm not sure if that's fair." I replied truthfully.

"Really? Which part?" She seemed surprised. "I think it's normal that you get to eat my food if I eat yours."

"What?" My lips squeezed tightly as my heart froze. What was she talking about? Eat… she… mine… hers? "Shimamura, you want to cook for me?!" I almost collapsed on the cardboard box as I shifted my weight back.

"And you make something nice in return, yeah." She seemed worried for my balance on the slipshod seat.

"When? How? Why?" I shot rapid-fire questions at her now.

"When? I guess on the weekends. Coming over here during the week is a bit much." She said while cupping her chin. "And would you believe me if I didn't know about the 'why' either?"

My brain short-circuited for a moment in which I just stared at her, my mouth wide open. I must have looked like an idiot, but I couldn't help it! Shimamura just decided she would come visit me so casually. No, the real knockout punch was that she wanted to do this every weekend?! My shaking mouth could not even form words in response.

KRA-KOOM!

The thunder from the storm outside underlined my shock quite perfectly.

"It's getting worse." Shimamura looked out the window that was getting pelted by the drizzle.

My heart was still stopped in time, but this break in our eye-contact finally allowed it to resume beating. My skittish eyes moved all over the room and finally stopped on the clock I had placed above the door. It was pretty late already. Tomorrow was a work day, so it would be time for me to sleep relatively soon. Shimamura also needed to go home soon. At least that's what I had naively thought when I let her in. However, now that we were here, safe and warm, away from the bad weather outside, I felt a huge sense of dread to let her go. Even with my umbrella she would have to go quite some distance in this ill-natured autumn rain. The alternative… no the alternative wasn't a good one either.

"Shimamura." My voice was more of a croaking. Her dazed eyes that were occupied by the shapes of raindrops on the window focused on me again. Only me. "Do you want t-to… stay the night?"

At first she seemed to mull it over. There were definitely some issues with my proposal, most of all the fact that she would have to go to work tomorrow too. None of her things were here and she didn't bring anything for a sleepover. I wondered if those were the things she was weighing right now. Was it too bothersome?

"Hmm, why not? Alright, I'll be in your care then Ms. Adachi." She finally shrugged it off and just agreed with a comical bow of her head.

Any trouble that was ahead of us could wait for tomorrow's Adachi and Shimamura. That's what we so irresponsibly decided. Of course I was very wrong about that as I soon found out.

Shimamura was in my bathroom.

She was in my bathroom, taking a shower.

It was to be expected, after all she would stay the night. Washing off the rain and sweat of the day was necessary, subconsciously I had known that. Yet what was I supposed to do? I had powerlessly wobbled my arms around in front of the door as she had entered and shut it in front of me.

I didn't have a bathtub, which probably disappointed her already, but what exactly was she going to do about her clothes? They were still moist and of course she wouldn't just put them back on after cleaning up. All I could do was hand her a shirt and pajama pants before she entered. And then she had made that comment.

"So this is the kind of underwear Adachi likes."

'AAAAAHHH!' I screamed inside my head, but managed to bite my lip until it bled to suppress any real noise. Shimamura had found the bra I had carelessly flung over the drier this morning! It was so embarrassing I wanted to run out of my own apartment and get battered by rain!

It was just a boring black bra without anything remarkable about it, but that may have made it even more agonizing to me. Shimamura saw my deepest secrets, my most unfashionable and pathetic parts today. I had bought a couple of new clothes for the times we would meet up, but why would I have even given a thought to underwear? It's not like she would have ever seen them. But now…

I bit into my fist and rubbed my body against the door. The sound of the shower soon joined the drizzle of the rain and left me dry in the middle. Instead of standing around like a weirdo with the metallic taste of blood in my mouth I eventually moved to the living room and sat down on the armchair in a cross-legged position. Time passed while I distractedly played with my phone.

After what felt like an hour (in reality only fifteen minutes had passed), I could hear the telltale sounds of someone rummaging through the bathroom. My spine straightened up on its own and I hastily jumped off the chair. When I went into the hallway I was greeted by an intense sight.

Shimamura had left the bath with her hair done up in a towel. So that's how she dealt with it. That wasn't important though, not to me at least. What my eyes got glued to was this beautiful woman running around in just a white t-shirt with the word [C A T] stitched into it. She was currently pulling up the pajama pants that were frankly dangerously loose on her hips. Was my waist that much wider? I noticed something else, but I just couldn't bring myself to even think about it.

"Sorry for going through your drawers. Seems your bras are a size too small for me." Why did it seem like she was secretly satisfied with that conclusion? But that meant I was correct in my observation. Right now she wasn't wearing…

"I will wash your clothes!" I shouted suddenly and rushed into the bathroom. With hazy eyes I threw all clothes I could find into the washing machine and just started the thing before I could even register anything.

"Thanks." Shimamura waited for me in the hallway and smiled.

"I-if you need an outfit for work you can try mine tomorrow."

"I don't think our sizes quite match. I'll go home in the morning and dress up there, okay?"

She didn't have to ask me for permission. This entire thing honestly felt like a fever dream at this point and not just because my forehead resembled a hotplate. A sleepover with a friend - if you could call this one - was something completely new to me. I now visited a friend's place and had a date with a friend, but to think she would stay over at my place? It must have been a dream.

We moved back to the living room where I prepared two bottles of mineral water. It was the only thing in my fridge pretty much. With some effort I managed to keep looking her in the eyes as we chatted about things that I forgot the moment they were spoken. The only thing I could sense was the increasingly warm atmosphere that spread in my home. The cold rain outside could not penetrate this lair of warmth. Just this evening, just this one night my apartment felt like a place where I lived.

What was this feeling that grabbed me and wouldn't let go? I never smoked or drank, but I could sense the intoxication of an addict in my veins. The knowledge that this state of ecstasy had to end gave me preemptive withdrawal. Just one more hour of hearing her voice, just one more of her brilliant smiles. Time stopped for no one and mercilessly marched forward. The short hand of the clock that had never seemed to move on my lonely days was suddenly trying to outpace the other.

It was time to sleep. Then it would be time to wake. And that is when we would be separated again. My chest tightened involuntarily and I felt hotness well up behind my eyes. My emotions were unstable like that of a child. How pitiful I was. I was an adult. There had to be limits to how much of this indulgence I could ask for. I had proven to myself – and to her – that I could support myself. That was one of the few things that gave me a sense of comfort in life. I shouldn't throw it away so easily.

"It's time to hit the hay." Shimamura yawned cutely and stretched her arms. She seemed supremely exhausted.

"I prepared a new blanket and pillow for you." I muttered and pointed at it through the open door to the bedroom.

"Hm?" She looked a bit confused and then checked my face again. "What about you?"

"I will sleep on the armchair." I said without returning her gaze.

"What? Don't you have a futon for me?"

I shook my head.

"Sleeping bag?"

I shook my head.

"And you don't even have a real couch." She sighed.

I nodded.

"This is just so bothersome." She gave me a glimpse of disapproval and then grabbed my wrist. "I am the guest here, so I won't be taking your bed away from you. You will hurt your back if you sleep here."

"I don't want you to sleep anywhere else." I replied seriously.

"That's fine. We can both use the bed."

What did she say? I thought I must have misheard, but my ears were considered very good during every routine check-up. Shimamura actually suggested for us to share my bed? This definitely was a dream!

And so we ended up on my single-sized bed. Two adults sleeping in this tight space. It was impossible and it was agonizing and it was, it was, it was…

"This is really cramped." Shimamura commented from her side.

"I'll leave-"

"Don't you dare." She rolled over and held my arm down with her body.

I nearly screamed – not in pain mind you – and hastily twisted it under her hips, but she wouldn't let go. Our faces were now shockingly close and our eyes lined up. Her beautiful eyes were just a few fingers' lengths away. I had turned off the light, but the vague glimmer of the street lamps shone into our room, distorted by the wet windows.

With every second that we made eye-contact my heartbeat accelerated and I was starting to sweat fire. My mind was drowning in magma. The way her hair was spread over the pillow, the slight flush on her cheeks from the warmth of the blanket and of course my shirt on her body being a bit too tight. All those stimuli were pushing me closer to the edge. There was no telling what would happen to me if I were to fall.

My constant squirming must have unsettled her. I didn't want her to see this side of me, the side that had been born from meeting her. The Adachi I had been and the Adachi I was becoming seemed to wrestle inside my chest and caused it a lot of damage. The pain was numb. My arm was also numb under her body.

"Haha." She laughed. Why did she always laugh?

"What's so funny?" It slipped out.

"You." She replied with the tip of her tongue pushed through her lips.

"That doesn't make me happy." I grumbled.

"You are really fascinating Adachi. Anybody watching you would be entertained." She raised herself up a little so I could slip my arm out of her pin.

"So you are always watching me?" I asked while rubbing my numb arm. It felt tingly.

"…maybe I am." She replied coyly.

"Wha-?"

"Nevermind." She turned around and showed me her back.

And that's where the conversation ended. I felt my heartbeat slow down a bit and a certain calm spread through my limbs. I didn't know what Shimamura was thinking, but watching her slim back in front of me gave me a sense of… longing. A profound and platonic attraction no doubt. I wanted to be with her. Not just this night…

"Did you mean it?"

"Hm?" She moaned a one-note response, clearly half-asleep.

"About coming by on weekends. To cook for each other." I said while clutching my chest.

"Oh that. Only if you want to." She mumbled, suppressing a yawn.

"I do!" I raised my voice a bit too much and Shimamura's shoulders twitched.

She slowly turned back around and faced me again. Something was different about her eyes. They were drenched in melancholy. That's the only way I could describe it.

"Can I tell you something, Adachi?"

"Mhm."

"I don't like myself." She said with a low voice. "There was a time where I could live comfortably just by being myself. Then I lost that part of me and became angry. When the anger faded I was left with nothing. In that void I slowly dispersed and became empty. The me that I remember is a different person now. Once I used to think that I could just get by as long as people around me got along with that husk, but there was nothing that they could relate to anymore. Why do people form connections? I don't know, maybe it's because they can't stand being alone or because they can't get where they want to be without the support of others. I am just moving forward without knowing where I am going. Even now, the way I am, there is still a support net that keeps me from falling endlessly. My family is all I have and I don't want to lose them too. I keep being a burden on them and it makes me angry at myself. My sister used to be very clingy and shy, but she has become so tall and confident now. We share a room, but I am just in the way. I must be some kind of leech. My parents don't push me at all, but I know what I am. I don't give them back the love they have given me, right? If you make your own family turn against you, then you really lose your pillars. There was a dog at my grandparent's place, his name was Gon, but he died a few years ago. I lost him first, but who will be next? I can't stop thinking about it. There is no point in worrying about losing others when I already lost myself, that's what I keep thinking. My dreams are getting more and more uncomfortable, but sleeping is the only thing I really like. Can you understand that feeling when the only thing you enjoy is making you anxious? No, I don't think you would. Not Sakura Adachi. Because you are always honest with yourself. You don't need to give lip-service to anyone, you don't pretend to care if you don't. At least that's what I thought you were like, but why is it that you started doing that around me? Is it because I am so fake that you can't show me your real self anymore? I am sorry. The reason I keep teasing you is because I like your reactions. You are like a child who can't hide how you feel, so that gives me relief. There is this adult Adachi that tries to keep the fun Adachi in check and I can't stop smiling when I think about how cute that is. I am not making fun of you, I will never do that. It's different from that I think. Maybe it's that puppy like face you make when you want to be praised. You really are like a dog Adachi, one that always watches over me. That's why I am trying to get closer to you, so that you can show this side to me all the time. Do you understand?"

I stared at Shimamura when her lips finally stopped moving. My gaze was firmly locked on her stiff cheeks and her glazed over eyes. She may have been half-asleep, she may have not even wanted to say any of that. She had poured out her heart and maybe everything else inside her in one long flood of words and now she anxiously waited for me to respond.

"I don't understand." I replied.

"Right. That's obvious." She whispered and closed her eyes.

"But I want to." I said with a forced smile.

"Adachi…" Her brows were furrowed and she opened just one eye.

"I don't understand you yet, Shimamura. That's why I agree that we should spend more time together. I want- I mean we can try to make it work. You have been doing almost everything, so I want to be the one you can rely on now."

My thoughts were racing and my mouth was even quicker than them. This had nothing to do with my feelings for her or whatever else was simmering below my chest. I genuinely wished for Shimamura to like herself. I didn't know how I could help her do that. Not yet.

This conversation of two half-asleep women sharing a cramped bed could not be taken seriously. It was just a lapse in the daily life we had built. Come morning we could just pretend it never happened.

To hell with that.

"Do you want to live together?"

"Huh?" She blinked once.

I knew exactly how that sounded. It was basically a confession. Maybe. But that's not it! I really just needed Shimamura to give me a chance. This would change everything.

"It's like that… well… If we live together then I can support you better. And we can figure things out. Together." My eyes darted around as I tried to search for the right words.

"Okay."

"T-there is no deeper meaning to it, just something like sharing an apartment between friends. A dorm? No, no not that. Uhm. Did you just agree?" I drew a blank as realization hit me.

"Sure, why not. Let's try it." Shimamura said quietly and closed her eyes tightly this time.

She already fell asleep before my heart could recover.

I turned on my back and stared at the ceiling.

Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough.