CHAPTER 10:
A HIGH BAR
Harry looked at the broken TV screen, before sighing and waving a hand, casting a Repair charm. Harley blinked at the newly-restored TV, which she had just broken with her baseball bat in a fit of rage at the Joker threatening her favourite TV host Howie Mandel, and looked to him. "Did you just…?"
"Save Pamela at least several hundred dollars if not more in replacing that?" Harry asked flatly. "Yes, yes I did."
"Well, I was going to say magically repair it, but that works too," Harley said. "Thanks."
"Just be a little less smashy, and we'll be fine," Harry said.
"Yeah, that's not going to work," Pamela said with a resigned sigh. "It's where a lot of my money from heists went, aside from the donations and stuff. Seriously, having a wizard around is going to help my budget dramatically. And that's not the good TV either."
"Good TV? Where're you hidin' that bad boy?" Frank demanded.
As Pamela shushed him, Harley ranted, getting back into her groove of fury, "And he calls our couple name Joker? Doesn't he get how that portmanteau shit works? And he's trying to blow up our favourite TV host! If he thinks I'm going to fade away into obscurity, he's got another thought coming!"
"Harley, calm the actual fuck down," Pamela said. "Who cares about what he thinks? You've got a killer new look, you're meditating…"
"Only downloaded the app, haven't actually used it, sorry," Harley said.
"Okay, well, it's a start, but my point is, you're a strong, independent woman who doesn't give a shit about what other people think."
"I dunno, that seemed like caring pretty hard," Harry snarked. "So hard, your TV got smashed from all the caring."
"Can it, Merlin!" Harley snapped back. "Who cares about what Joker and his stupid Legion of Doom buddies think?!" She then seemed to consider something, before pulling out her smartphone. "In fact, let's show them in person how little I care."
"Oh dear Lord," Pamela muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose. "What the actual hell are you doing, Harley?"
"Logging into the Joker's calendar. He hasn't revoked my access to it yet," Harley said with a smirk. "Then again, he left all the tech stuff to me and the goons. And look at this, there's a party with the Legion of Doom at the Gotham Mint tomorrow night! If he fucks with me in public, I will fuck with him right back!"
"…I don't know whether to be scared, or just eat popcorn and watch," Harry snarked.
"Just come with me, you two. Pamela and you can be my plus ones! It'll be great! The Gotham Mint has one hell of a function room for these things."
Pamela and Harry shared a look. "Look, I'm all for sticking it sideways to the Legion of Doom," Harry said, "but we do it smart. We figure out why they've got this function at the Gotham Mint first, okay? I mean, assuming Pamela wants to come along?"
Pamela sighed. "…I'm going to fucking regret this, aren't I?" Her phone buzzed, with a new Tweet showing, and she picked it up. "Oh, thank God. Someone in the audience saved Howie Mandel. Hang a moment…that's Hermione! She was in the audience?"
"You know her?" Harley asked.
"She's a friend of Harry's, the one who is a co-mum of Delphi. Anyway, I think we need to make a call…"
Pamela called up the Oracle line, and learned, from Luna, that the function at the Gotham Mint wasn't quite a Legion of Doom gathering. Rather, it was the bar mitzvah of Joshua Cobblepot, the nephew of Oswald Cobblepot, aka the Penguin. What was more, Luna did some digging and discovered, to Harley's annoyance, that one of the vaults had been emptied at the Penguin's insistence, refilled with fake banknotes, and an improv troupe had been hired to act as fake guards, all so Joshua Cobblepot could have his first heist, albeit relatively legally.
Still, Harley's mind was made up. They would crash the bar mitzvah together, and make an impression on the Legion of Doom. And maybe lend Joshua's bar mitzvah a certain je ne sais quoi that would be missing, in her words. They decided it would be best, if one was to crash such a thing, make it worth the while of those running it, bringing gifts of cash, apparently a tradition at such things.
Ironically, Harley actually knew something of the traditions. Where Harry's upbringing had been technically Anglican (not that the Dursleys were particularly godly) and Pamela's had been Catholic, Harley's family had been Jewish, albeit of a particularly lapsed sort. She considered herself an agnostic these days, compared to Harry and Pamela's atheism, pointing out the likes of Wonder Woman and certain other superheroes and supervillains as proof of the existence of gods. Which only went to show that Harley was far from idiotic, just insane and impulsive.
Pamela was right: once away from the Joker, her intelligence did rise significantly. She was also so impulsive, she was basically like an evil Gryffindor. And despite what Ron thought, that was not an oxymoron. Peter Pettigrew had been in Gryffindor, after all.
Then again, calling Harley 'evil' was a bit of a stretch. The Joker counted as evil, as did many on the Legion of Doom. But Pamela said that Harley's moral compass, while definitely skewed, still existed.
As it happened, Luna wanted to join them, along with her date, Kite Man. So, they waited a little outside the Gotham Mint for them, while Harley fiddled with the leash of the 'tame' tiger she had hired for the evening. "Ugh, I wish I still had Bud and Lou," she muttered.
"Who?" Harry asked.
"Rather unflattering examples of Crocuta crocuta, or the spotted hyena," Pamela said. "However, shortly after Harley got sent to Arkham the time before last, they were sent back to the zoo, only to be put down for being unmanageable."
"Hey, they were perfectly manageable," Harley retorted. "Just not by some asshole of a zoologist with a prejudice against scavengers! Which they aren't just, I might add, that's a stereotype."
"Nothing wrong with scavengers from an ecological standpoint, Harley," Pamela said. "They're nature's recyclers. But seriously, why the tiger?"
"I want to make an impression. Would you rather I barge in and start breaking shit? At least this way, we have a certain class, a certain nuance."
"…I hate it when you start making sense with your nonsense," Pamela muttered.
"That's the whole point of chaos theory!" Harley said. "Order and patterns within the endless swirls of chaos! Plus, butterflies making the weather their collective bitch!"
"…That explains so much about your personal philosophy, and yet so little. But what about the Joker?"
Harley rolled her eyes. "Please, to him, the Mandelbrot Set is just a weird picture he could hang in the corner of a living room. Okay, chaos theory isn't really my specialty, but as a philosophy rather than as a mathematical discipline…well, Ian Malcom from Jurassic Park had the right idea, right Ivy?"
"Life finds a way, huh? Okay, I'll give that one to you, Harl. And I'd love to have velociraptors as pets."
"Same here," Harry added. "Though they'd be a bit hard to keep in the apartment. Besides, Sy said no pets, Frank notwithstanding." Then, they spotted a very familiar blonde walking up, arm in arm with a man in a green jumpsuit. He'd never met the man, but he could guess who it was.
"Harry! Pammy! Harley!" Luna called out, waving. She skipped over and embraced Harry, and then Pamela, before embracing a bemused Harley.
"Uhh, do I know you?" Harley asked.
"We do now," Luna said with a grin.
"Okay, Harley, this is Luna Lovegood, a friend of mine from Hogwarts, and someone who is very like you in many regards," Harry said.
"…Blonde?"
"Blonde, beautiful, brainy, and barmy," Harry said, knowing Luna would never be offended by such a description. To her, sanity was a nice place to visit, not a place to stay. "And this is…"
"Kite Man! Hell yeah!" Luna and the eponymous supervillain cheered simultaneously, pumping their fists.
"Oh dear God," Pamela muttered, facepalming.
"It's a pleasure to meet not one, but two of Gotham's loveliest supervillains," Kite Man said with a smile. "Heard about your breakup with the Joker, by the way. Nice. How're you doing with your solo career?"
"It's taking some time to…well, take off," Harley said. "I'm hoping tonight will change that a little."
"Well, you've got a long road ahead of you, Harley. I really do hope it goes well. So, shall we make an entrance?"
"As long as we don't make too much of a scene," Pamela muttered.
They did make a little bit of a scene, Harley strutting in like a celebrity, not caring that this was a bar mitzvah, with Luna decided to add to the milieu by playing Killer Queen on her iPhone. Harry had to admit, it sort of suited Harley, even as she noted all the stares at her.
And then, the rotund figure of Oswald Cobblepot waddled in front of them, eating what seemed to be fried shrimp. "Hey, are you the dancers for my nephew's do?" He did a double-take. "Wait a moment, Harley? You really hit rock bottom after the Joker dumped ya!" He cackled.
"And you're eating shrimp. I thought shellfish weren't kosher, and you're at a bar mitzvah?" Harry snarked.
"Bazinga," Luna hissed with a smirk.
"Besides, she was the one who dumped Joker, not the other way around," Pamela said. "Anyway, these are for your nephew." She handed him some envelopes filled with cash. "Mazel tov."
"Oh. Well, uh, thank you?" the Penguin said.
"Just don't call us dancers again, and we're square," Pamela said, before they began heading over to the small table set aside for the Legion of Doom members.
Harry had seen the three of them before on the news. To the left was Bane, a hulking man in a black bodysuit and hood that was meant to evoke a luchador from Mexican lucha libre wrestling, but looked more like a gimp suit. In the middle was Harvey Dent, better known as Two-Face, the left side of his face heavily scarred and disfigured thanks to an acid attack from a mobster, back when he was a district attorney for Gotham. And, if Pamela's anecdotes were true, also a corrupt asshole who pretty much had it coming. Becoming a supervillain was probably not much of a career change for him. The slight, slender form of Scarecrow, his head covered by a hood seemingly made from a burlap sack, completed the trio seated.
Harry had to admit to cringing somewhat when Harley laid it on thick while greeting the Legion of Doom members. He was surprised when Scarecrow spoke with a rather light British accent. "So, who're the plus ones? I know Ivy, who doesn't, and ditto Kite Man, but who's the British guy who had the balls to call out Penguin on not being kosher at his nephew's bar mitzvah?"
"Harry Wilmore. I've known Pamela for a long time, and we recently reunited," Harry said, sitting on a chair after bringing some over for the others. "And this is Luna Lovegood."
At this, Dent scoffed. "Sounds like a rejected name for a Bond Girl."
"Well, gents, she's very well named," Kite Man said with a grin that was cheesy as hell. Luna didn't seem to mind, though. "However, she did ask me to cut down on the PDAs for tonight because, well, it is a kid's party, even if one lucky guy's becoming a man today."
"That is very true," Bane said in his strange, lilting and hammy way of speaking. "Young Joshua becomes a man! And I like how you brought gifts for his big day, even if you weren't invited."
"She's like a cat, she invites herself," Pamela said. "Same with Luna. We're here as moral support. Well, as much as you can ascribe anything moral to people like us."
"That's rich coming from the weed whore who refuses to join us at the Legion of Doom, no matter how many times Luthor invites her," Dent sneered. "Did you ensnare this pussy with your pheromones? 'Cause that's the only reason you'd get a fuck."
Pamela recoiled, before scowling, but Harry gently put a hand on her own. "Hey, Dent," Harry said, remembering those anecdotes of Pamela's where she mentioned Dent's willingness to have her burned alive while she was escaping from Arkham. "Would you like to have both sides of your face match? Then insult her again." He pulled down his glasses. He didn't need them anymore, he wore contacts that concealed his reptilian eyes, but his glare was still impressive. "Because if she doesn't get to you first, I will ensure you're all ugly, inside and out. Savvy? She doesn't need me to fight her battles…but if I do, it's because we're friends."
"Also, Harvey, reconsider using such foul language, both at an occasion for young people, and towards a woman. Remember Black Mask and Dr Psycho," Bane remarked. "Black Mask has been expelled from the Legion, and if Dr Psycho's track record is any indication, he will soon follow."
"Shut your trap, Bane," Harvey said, before subsiding into sullen silence.
Harley blinked, before saying, "Excuse us a moment." She had Pamela come with her. Harry watched the two female supervillains go away. They were soon getting into a quiet but heated argument, and Harry got up and followed.
"…Misogynistic sausage party," Pamela was hissing at Harley. "Luthor keeps inviting me only to tick boxes. Besides, as I keep telling you, Harley, I don't identify as a supervillain, I'm an eco-terrorist. They only label me like that because firstly, I am a Metahuman, and secondly, I tangle with the Batman way too often. Trust me, you're better off without them."
"Seriously? Even though they're the only people Joker respects?" Harley asked incredulously.
Pamela looked at her flatly. "Haven't you seen how he acts around them? He respects virtually nobody there, except maybe Luthor, and that's a big maybe. Harley, you can make a name for yourself away from the Legion of Doom."
"Ive, I thought you were supportive!"
"I'm trying to be. I'm also trying to point out the cons when you're so fixated on the pros."
"Hey," Harry said quietly. "Can you two wait until we get home before you argue? Please? There's a group of boys who are staring at you two and hoping you get into a catfight. Either that, or that you kiss and make up in front of them. Besides, Pamela…will Harley joining the Legion of Doom affect your friendship?"
"…Only if it leads her back to the Joker," Pamela said quietly. "Hopefully that's all that would affect it."
"And Harley…are you ready for the Legion of Doom to possibly look down on you because you're the Joker's ex? And be serious now."
"…I don't know," Harley said after a moment's thought.
"There. We'll continue this back home, okay. Merlin, it's weird when I'm the one who's the peacemaker."
"…Isn't that the guy with the shiny toilet seat for a helmet?" Harley asked.
The argument between Harley and Pamela had been deferred for now. Unfortunately, some minutes later, the Joker made himself known. Bane would later admit he had called Joker, who was in the middle of rebuilding his lair. The event soured with the Joker present, with Harley eventually getting fed up and calling out the Legion of Doom on allowing him to walk over them.
She did linger long enough for Joshua to do his staged heist, and while the Joker heckled Joshua, Harley actually shouted words of encouragement, the two clowns getting into a bit of verbal one-upmanship. Afterwards, they left, albeit while getting goody bags from Joshua's mother. They parted ways with Luna and Kite Man, returned the tiger to the hiring agency, before heading back to the apartment for coffee.
"You did good tonight, Harley," Pamela said. "I know we had our argument, and you got into a pissing contest with the Joker, but I think Joshua will remember you for actually giving him some encouragement. Not that you have to truly prove how awesome you are to anyone."
"I know, and I get that, but…I need to get into the Legion of Doom, Pamela. I know you have your issues with them…"
"More of a subscription, really…"
"…Well, my point is, any villain who is anyone is part of them. Even if you refused them, well, how many times did they ask you?"
"Too many times," Pamela said. "Okay, if you want to do that yourself, then that's fine. I'll support you, but don't go into that den of hyenas with your eyes closed, okay? As I told you the other day, I love you, in a pretty hard to articulate way, and if you stopped sabotaging yourself, you'd be great."
"…Okay. I…I want to believe that this isn't you being…well, trying to keep me to yourself."
The green-skinned woman flinched at her accusation. "If that were the case, I wouldn't have Harry here, or Hermione, Luna or Delphi for that matter," Pamela said. "You helped me begin to have friends again. I'm trying to return the favour. Be the voice of reason you may not want, but sometimes may need. I don't want you ending up in Arkham again, or worse, with the Joker again, or dead. That's why Harry and I are doing this. You see it as restricting you. We see it as keeping you alive, and free from not just the Joker, but any Legion of Doom dicks. So…let's put it this way: we'll help you get into the Legion of Doom, as long as you don't fuck anyone else over in the process, especially not yourself."
After a moment, Harley hugged her BFF. "Thanks, Ive. Though you will admit, I have a pretty strong tendency for self-sabotage."
"That I will," Pamela said ruefully.
"And that your boyfriend is good at calming things down," Harley said, before an impish smile touched her features. "So, what's he like in the sack?"
Pamela spat out the coffee she was drinking at the unsolicited remark, and Harry groaned, blushing as he put his face in his hands. Well, whatever life would be like with Harley Quinn present, it wouldn't be boring. Not at all…
CHAPTER 10 ANNOTATIONS:
So, an alternate version of the second episode plays out, one where Harley doesn't make as much of an arse of herself, and some of her arguments with Ivy come out sooner.
Now, while writing this chapter, I was unaware Bud and Lou do appear in the second series. For this story, she basically likes naming hyenas that.
Anyway, the next couple of chapters will mark a turning point for Harry. Plus, it's an adaptation of one of my favourite episodes of the series.
Review-answering time! whitetigerwolf: Thanks! I've been meaning to do a story with this pairing for a long time, as mentioned before, and I knew it'd be one you'd love. Actually, this is yet another answer to your 'Animagus Lover' challenge, now that I come to think about it, so I'll head to your forums later and post to that effect. That challenge is a very handy one.
Dragon Man 180: The crew won't be encountering Batman for quite a while. Due to Harry actually thinking ahead, some of Harley's earlier conflicts with Batman are defused before they start. But let's just say that, when they steal the Batcave teleporter from the sixth episode, things will get interesting. I haven't written the equivalent chapter(s) to that episode yet, but let's just say that Harley isn't the only one being teleported this time…
diagonalpumpkin: I'm an Aussie, we don't do Thanksgiving here. :P
Mitkon2001: If you bothered to pay attention to my annotations for the last chapter, you'll see my response to similar reviews. I won't repeat it here, save for saying that firstly, I forgot, and secondly, there is a metric fuckton of issues around Harry's kids (yes, plural). I added Harry's thoughts on the matter to a scene in the thirteenth chapter, which will be posted later on. That being said, Hermione and Luna are considering blood-adopting Delphi themselves, but are still on the fence, as is Delphi.
No numbered annotations this time.