I do not own Twilight, any of its characters, content, etc.

Trigger warnings: anxiety, panic attacks, predatory behavior, child neglect

CHAPTER 4: The only way to move is forward

"She looks exhausted."

I hummed noncommittedly, never taking my eyes off of Bella. She sat in her idling truck, parked across the lot from our car. A human wouldn't have been able to see her form in the vehicle at this distance, but mine could see how she pressed the heel of her palms to her eyes. I could make out from the way her shoulders heaved she was taking slow deep breaths.

I could still hear her louder than anyone else; even Alice standing next to me, leaning against Emmett's jeep, was a whisper in comparison.

She was exhausted- bone weary. She was also- sad? Melancholy? Some mix of that and nervous, so very nervous. And yet- I focused in- strangely determined as she exited the vehicle and marched toward the school.

"Do you think she's going to be okay today?"

It was only when Bella turned a corner and left my eyesight that I turned to look at the short vampire next to me. "Aren't you the psychic?" I drawled.

Alice's laugh tinkled through the air, her concern fading at my joke. "Well, yes. But I don't see everything. You know that Jasper."

I hummed again. My eyes unconsciously slipped back in the direction Bella went- even out of sight, I could still hear her emotions. Again, muted by the distance; but I could still pick them out of the crowd like an apple amongst oranges.

I pursed my lips, concerned. Her anxiety was spiking.

Alice's mischievous amusement suddenly caught my attention. "What?" I glared at her.

The impish grin on her face widened. "Nothing," she sang. "I just didn't think it would start so soon is all."

And then she was skipping away toward the school. I straightened up off the jeep to follow her.

"Alice," I hissed, knowing she could still hear me. "What does that mean? What did you see?"

She said nothing, laughing as she joined Emmett and Rosalie in front of the school. The couple had run off earlier to make out behind the buildings before they went in. They acted more like teenagers than the rest of us did, sometimes.

Alice grinned, silent, as she went inside. Classes would start very soon.

Irritated, I followed Emmett and Rosalie, heading for my first class. Alice may be my closest friend, and former companion, but she was downright frustrating sometimes. In particular when she'd had a vision she didn't feel like sharing. She always claimed it was for the best- and usually she was right- but that didn't make it less frustrating.

And she'd been keeping things to herself all night. Some things were still vague to her because the right decisions had not been made, but the things she had seen, she refused to describe unless it had already happened.

Like, for example, how Bella Swan would fit into our lives. Or if Edward was going to kill her.

We all knew she'd seen something, that was obvious the minute she claimed Bella would be her best friend. But that was all she said- nothing about the how, or about Edward.

Frustrating.

I settled into my first period seat, suddenly drained. It had been a long, anxious night. Carlisle had relayed some of his conversation with Edward when the coven leader returned home, and none of us were happy he was gone. But it was better than the alternative.

Emmett and I had come to a silent agreement early this morning. He and I were the only ones who knew the kind of bloodlust Edward was feeling, could anticipate it's strength. Emmett, from his own encounters with his singers, and I from my history in the wars. So, we would stand between Edward and Bella, his singer. For both their sakes.

I tuned out the teacher, considering the situation at hand. It was amazing our brother had even been able to control himself in biology yesterday. The fact that he had been able to run spoke well for the outcome, all things considered.

At least I hope it did.

My thoughts drifted, again, to the human in question.

She was calmer now, more relaxed. As though she'd been prepared for an attack and found none. She said yesterday that the staring was what bothered her- was it less today? Or easier because she'd already dealt with it once?

I moved through the motions of the first two classes. A part of me was counting the minutes to third, another trying to analyze that desire. One human among many, and I couldn't stop this awareness I had of her. But why? She wasn't my singer.

I didn't like being out of control, but I'd also learned long ago to trust my instincts. And they were drawing me to her.

By the time Emmett and I walked into the library I was anxious myself. Emmett, too, was bouncing on his toes, impatient, until she walked into the room.

I catalogued her outward appearance- her skin was paler than yesterday, shadows like bruises under her brown eyes. Her steps were slow, and the line of her shoulders drooped, heavy. Exhausted. Anxious. Melancholy.

Emmett called her name, she looked up and her eyes met mine.

Joy.

I was awestruck. Is this what it feels like to be warmed by the sun?

She walked over, a new energy lifting her step. She was happy to see us. I could tell she felt a little embarrassed about yesterday, and still tired, but overall- happiness. Contentment. For us. She sat down and the warmth of her emotions wrapped me in sunbeams.

I swallowed reflexively, flustered. It had nothing to do with her sweet scent.

"Hey guys," she called softly as she reached the table. Emmett pulled out the chair next to him, across from me. She hesitated, glancing at me. I felt her concern.

"Are you sure you don't want to sit alone…" she murmured. "I can sit somewhere else."

Emmett's face dropped, but I was already shaking my head with an exasperated smile at my lips. I could feel she was genuinely concerned about that. "If you want to go ahead. But I really don't mind."

And I truly didn't. The distance was more for the humans' safety, but my efforts over the summer weren't wasted. I could tell already that sitting in close quarters with humans was easier this semester than ever before.

Bella's scent wafted toward me as she sat; she did smell better than most- almost floral- but it wasn't unbearable. And, somehow, her scent paled in comparison to everything she was feeling. Carlisle's words about human's having lives came back to me- how could I harm one who felt so strongly?

Emmett leaned toward her, a concerned look on his face. "Are you feeling okay? You look tired today."

Her embarrassment crested to the surface, and a becoming flush bloomed on her cheeks. The burn in my throat itched for a second and then disappeared. I saw Emmett hold his breath for a moment.

"I'm alright," she whispered, studying the tabletop. "I didn't sleep well- nightmares," she added at our concerned looks. Her tone was indifferent, but her emotions rolled in remembrance of whatever she'd dreamt.

"That's understandable," I said lowly trying to send her comforting waves; I wasn't sure how well it was working. "You'd had a rough day. Is it any better today?"

She sighed. "So far. It was biology and the walk to gym yesterday that set me off- so we'll see how that goes."

Emmett and I shared a glance too quick for her to notice. As we'd supposed then- was it Edward or Mike who set her off? Or both?

"Well," Emmett began, leaning his chair back on two legs, "let me tell you about how Ms. Jackson's class went yesterday- that'll cheer you up."

And it did, her emotions were completely engaged in his short, incredibly exaggerated story. I was a little envious at how easy it was for him to talk to her.

The bell rang and Emmett bid us goodbye, feeling better than he had all morning.

"Keep an eye on her Jazzy," he whispered for my ears as he left. I sent him a wave of reassurance rather than respond verbally.

"No Jane Eyre today?" I asked Bella instead.

She smiled as she pulled out a notebook and pen. "No, I finished the chapters last night. I've read it a couple of times so it was a quick read."

I cocked my head in surprise. Most teens hated assigned readings. "Do you like the classics, then?"

"Yeah," she laughed, tucking her hair behind her ear self-consciously. Her contentment was tinged with insecurity. "I've read a lot of them. Wuthering Heights is my favorite."

Curious. It was not an answer I expected of teenager. "What about you?" She asked suddenly, deflecting from herself. I tilted my own book up so she could see the cover. It was a thick book on the civil war.

"I'm afraid I'm more into nonfiction, history especially," I couldn't help the ironic smile that pulled at my lips. She felt perplexed at my humor.

"You'll have to show me your favorites sometime," Bella said after a moment, picking up her pen. "I haven't read many nonfiction books myself." She smiled at me once more and then busied herself with her notes.

I looked at her for another moment, and then turned to my book. Her happy and content emotions almost completely drowned out her remaining anxiety, never mind the feelings of everyone else in the room. I sighed quietly to myself, basking in their lighthearted warmth.

We sat in that peaceful silence for a while. It was a little easier to read this time, but half my mind was just reveling in the feel of her positivity. It was rare that I ever felt positive emotions so pure, and selfless feeling. Bella's stemmed from her contentment just to share the same space with me, no demands on my attention required. And the depth of that joy stunned me as all her feelings did.

After some time, the tenor of her emotions changed- it'd been slowly relaxing since class started, but now they were completely still, like a calm ocean. Discreetly, I looked up at her from under my lashes.

She was asleep.

Her head was pillowed on one arm, the other still loosely grasping her pen. Her pink lips were slightly parted, warm steady breaths puffing out. Her eyelashes fluttered shallowly against the tops of her cheeks, as gently as butterfly wings. Soft hair, a multitude of red and brown shades, draped across her perfectly relaxed face.

My mouth went dry. Beautiful. She was beautiful.

I couldn't believe it. Asleep. Here, not three feet from me. An innocuous action that felt a lot like trust; a lot like the relief she felt in that bathroom; like unconsciously seeking my help from Mike Newton at the Outfitter's.

A powerful feeling I couldn't name welled up in my chest, too many things mixed together. It sang, and then settled into my bones. My fingers clenched around my book, indenting the cover with my fingerprints, and for a long moment I just watched her sleep, overcome. Somehow, I pulled my eyes from her visage back to my book, blind to the words on the page.

She felt safe with me.

And, I decided- determined- so she would be.

The rest of my first full week in Forks passed by pretty quickly, every day a little easier than the last.

Edward Cullen was gone the rest of the week, and for whatever reason he'd left, I was glad. By Friday, the only stressful parts of my day were lunch and from the end of biology to the end of gym. And that was because of Mike Newton.

He was determined to be my shadow. At lunch on the second day, he'd steered Jessica Stanley and I over to his table. Thankfully, Angela and all of Jessica's other friends had followed, but the way he sat too close to me made my stomach twist. He escorted me to gym again that day too, still standing too close.

The next day I managed to seat myself between Angela and Jessica, talking primarily to the former, while the latter monopolized Mike's attention, much to the girl's delight. I spent the rest of the week essentially throwing her in his direction when I could, and trying to bear it when I couldn't.

A part of me felt bad for dodging him. I'd figured out quite quickly that he had no ill intent, but he seemed incapable of respecting my personal space. Not because he didn't respect it, but out of sheer ignorance that he was crossing boundaries. And by Friday in gym, when his hand grazed mine for the umpteenth, I knew I needed to confront him about it.

"Listen, Mike, I need to talk to you," I said as we left class for the parking lot.

He grinned, and my stomach twisted. I had no idea how he was going to take this. "Sure Bella, what's up?"

I cleared my throat and stepped out of the main walkway. He followed. "This is, uh, hard for me but-" I dithered, not sure how to phrase it without being mean. I didn't know if he was doing this on purpose, after all. He might just be that friendly with people.

Like a band-aid, Bella. "You're really nice Mike," I began, "But I've noticed that you kind of crowd me, and it makes me uncomfortable."

He looked stunned, and I hurried on. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude or anything- you've been so nice to me, but I don't like to be crowded or touched, especially if they're new people, and I just noticed that you do that a lot. It makes me really anxious."

He blinked a couple times, and then he was apologizing, his contrite expression untwisting the knot in my stomach. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize! I was just being friendly, and well…" he trailed off, cheeks tingeing pink, "you're pretty cute; I just wanted to get to you know you. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable." He shuffled his feet abashedly. "I'll ease off, promise."

I smiled a little at him. "Thanks, Mike. Friends?" He looked a little resigned, but happy all the same.

And it was that simple, apparently. He chatted to me about a beach trip he was planning, and we parted ways at the parking lot with friendly smiles. I watched him leave, relieved it had gone so well, and now I could enjoy the rest of my weekend without feeling bad or anxious about it.

I turned to go to my truck and saw Jasper climbing into his family's car behind Alice, two lanes over from mine. One of the most surprising things about this first week was the unlikely friendship I was making with two of the Cullens.

While I hadn't met Rosalie yet, nor had the opportunity to really speak to Alice since Monday, Jasper and Emmett were great. Emmett never failed to make me laugh, and study hall with Jasper was quickly becoming my favorite time of day.

Something about him just made me relax. I knew that was the class I was stared at the most since I was willingly sitting next the most reticent Cullen, but I never felt it. I knew it was because of the blonde- I felt comfortable. Safe.

And beyond that he was great company. We'd already spent some time discussing the pros and cons of fiction versus nonfiction, and he'd even brought by one of his favorite Civil War books for me to borrow. He said he'd never read Wuthering Heights, so I brought him my copy, marked up with post-it tags and hi-lighted quotes.

He'd handled it like a treasure.

I climbed into the cab of my truck, relieved my socializing for the week was over. Charlie had a fishing trip planned for tomorrow with Billy and Henry Clearwater; he'd both offered to cancel it and invited me along, but understood when I told him I'd prefer to have the day alone.

Since my birthday was on Monday, as a gift he was taking me to Port Angeles' only good book store and dinner out on Sunday. I knew he was worried that I might be expecting more, but that felt like the perfect way to celebrate. Maybe next year we could have a cookout with the Blacks like he suggested at first, but I just wanted to relax this year.

And honestly, I could spend all day in a good bookstore- Charlie clearly didn't know what he was getting himself in to.

When I got home, I piled down on the couch with a thick blanket and my school work, determined to get it all done that evening, so I could have the weekend free.

Time seemed to pass quickly. I breezed through my Spanish and biology homework. English was more chapter reading I would do after dinner or tomorrow, so I spent the rest of the time until Charlie got home trying to burn through my trigonometry work.

The front door cracked open. "Bells?" Charlie called, stomping his feet to get the mud and water off.

"In the living room," I called back, writing in the last answer and packing up my books.

Charlie walked through the doorway, holding a couple of pizzas in his hand. "I know it's my turn to cook," he said before I could say anything, "but I figure this way you'll have the leftovers for tomorrow too, and we could have a movie night tonight since I'll be gone tomorrow. What do you say?"

I laughed, touched. "Sounds great, but it's my pick this time!"

He chuffed a laugh, putting the pizzas on the coffee table before tromping upstairs to change. I pulled myself off the couch and over to the movies and DVD's he had. Not a great many, though I had brought some from home- including my Lord of the Rings trilogy. I grinned and popped the first one in before running off to the kitchen for drinks and plates.

We only made it through two of the three that night, but Charlie, who had never seen them before, was chomping at the bit to get through the last one. We decided to finish it off tomorrow when he got home from fishing.

I went to bed that night with a smile on my face; it'd been almost a year since the last time Renee had spent any one-on-one time with me. Even then, it was always things she'd been interested in, not me. It was encouraging to realize that Charlie and I had more in common than I ever thought a parent could have with their child.

The whole weekend passed in the same relaxed manner. I got to spend Saturday recharging my social battery. I slept in, did my chores, and then took a well-deserved bubble bath while I read Jasper's civil war book.

Charlie was out late, but he came home with a batch of food courtesy of Sue Clearwater, and a ton of fish for the freezer. He almost didn't make it all the way through The Return of the King, exhausted as he was, but I could tell I'd made a fan of him.

Somehow, I didn't think the weekend could get any better, but it did. My birthday trip was perfect- Charlie never pressured me to leave the bookstore sooner than I was ready, like Renee would have. He even went and grabbed a copy of Lord of the Rings for himself while I shopped around. Dinner at the local Italian place was fantastic, and Charlie listened as I told him about my week at school.

He'd even seemed upset that Mike Newton had caused me so much stress- I had to talk him out of going over to talk to Mike's parents. It was surreal- this wasn't just lip-service, he actually would have done it if I didn't ask him not to.

I had to stop comparing him to Renee. Because I was coming to see that Charlie wasn't just my dad, he was a great dad. Renee could try her whole life to make things up and be better, and she'd never be half the parent Charlie was.

When school on Monday rolled around, I was relaxed and ready to join the crowd. I was beginning to settle in at Forks, and for the first time, I didn't feel anxious as I parked my truck and made to go into first period.

Until I saw Edward Cullen walking inside with his siblings.

Here's chapter four! Big thanks to everyone who reviewed; you guys are the reason I'm able to update so quickly sometimes. I know this seemed a little more like filler, the next chapter should be more interesting.

Please keep reviewing! Your comments are inspiring!

See you next time. -I.C.