Tonks was quiet for so long that Remus began to wonder if she was going to answer at all, but the look on her face spoke of an internal struggle rather than stubborn silence. He waited.
"My mum's family tried to kill my parents after they got married," she said abruptly. "Multiple times. We moved a lot when I was a kid, trying to stay safe."
"That must have been hard," he murmured, remembering how hard it had been for him as a child. The frequent moves, the fear of discovery. It was an unexpected connection.
"Mum and Dad always worried that people would talk if they found out what I could do, so we had to be careful. Couldn't have the neighbors gossiping over my little secret. When I got to Hogwarts and I could finally stop worrying about having to hide, it was like Christmas and my birthday had both come at once. I almost couldn't believe that I was in a place where I could just be myself. I mean, it didn't end up being that way, but for a few years I was-"
"What do you mean?"
"What?"
"You said it didn't end up that way, what did you mean?"
She grimaced. "Oh. Mmm. That's…forget I said that, it doesn't really have anything to do with it."
"All right," he reluctantly agreed, mentally tucking the question away to bring up another time. As little as she had said so far, he found himself unexpectedly fascinated by this glimpse into her past.
"I was happy there," she continued. "Happier than I'd been at home for a while. I mean, Mum and Dad are great, don't get me wrong, but I had a huge chip on my shoulder and didn't really understand when I was younger why it was so important to…look like everyone else. Does that make sense?"
"Perfect sense," he nodded.
"Yeah, I guess it would. We should compare notes sometime."
Her sad, lopsided smile was full of shared feeling and somehow soothed away a little of the remembered pain that lingered from childhood.
"So, a huge chip on your shoulder?"
"Yeah. I didn't want to go home for Christmas that first year, or for summer holiday. I was such a stroppy little brat. I don't know how my parents put up with me."
"They loved you."
"I'd have wrung my neck if I were them." She sighed. "We muddled through that summer without too many fights, but I think everyone was relieved when it was time for me to go back to school. Two months later, our house burned down. My parents managed to escape, but Dad was hurt pretty bad."
"They were attacked?"
She nodded. "I got to visit him in hospital, but they wouldn't let me stay with my mum. It was safer for me at Hogwarts. The Aurors came in and investigated, but they couldn't find anything. There was no sign of whoever had done it, and after a while they decided to shut down the investigation. I was so angry. It felt like they'd abandoned us. It turned out, though, that one Auror wouldn't let it alone, and he eventually tracked down the guy who'd done it. Put him in Azkaban. And I don't know if it was because that bastard was the only one behind all the previous attacks, or if the rest of the lot decided it wasn't worth the trouble, or what, but after that, there were no more attacks. All because of one Auror who wouldn't give up."
"Moody?" Remus guessed.
"Our very own. He was my hero. He helped us when no one else would. That whole experience changed everything for me. Mum and Dad had done their best to shelter me from all the signs that we were being hunted. I know they meant well, but the upshot was that I didn't really believe that anything bad would ever happen. I thought they were just being paranoid. That attack was the first time I was forced to confront the reality of it all. The world really was full of bad people, and some of them really did want to hurt me and my family. It made me grow up in a lot of ways. And I decided that it must be a pretty fine thing to be able to help people the way Mad-Eye helped us, to protect them from the same kind of monster that hurt my dad."
"And you still feel that way."
She leaned forward, her eyes intent on his. He felt strangely pinned in place.
"Yes. More than ever. Which is why being able to get back to work is so important. This isn't just my job, it's my life. I help people. You said so yourself. I don't care if I'm hurt, or sick, or even dying. I can't find those bastards if I'm wasting away in a bed!"
She stared at him, her dark eyes shining with a zeal that he remembered feeling in his youth. The years had burned it all away. He still fought, yes, and like her would probably go down fighting, but the thought no longer filled him with the same kind of fervor. It just made him tired, and sad. It seemed like such a waste. He hoped she never arrived at such a place. Maybe she would defy the odds and retain that energy and determination.
"You're a proper shield maiden, aren't you?" he shook his head ruefully. "Ready to take your place in the halls of Valhalla."
Her face brightened a little.
"So is this your way of telling me that I need to back off so you can go and die a glorious death?"
Tonks rolled her eyes. "I'm asking you to stop trying to keep me tucked up safe. My parents learned that years ago. I don't want to be safe. I'm the one that keeps everyone else safe. And so are you. Do you like being coddled and told to stay in bed after a full moon? Even if you really do need it?"
"No," he admitted. "I hate it, actually."
"So why are you trying to do it to me?"
He wanted to point out that their cases were entirely different; he wasn't dying, for one thing. And terrifyingly, she seemed to think she might be, if her slip a minute ago was anything to go by. Still, he couldn't deny her logic, and it wouldn't do any good if he did. If he wanted to help her, he'd have to do this her way.
"All right," he held up his hands in defeat. "Is that what you wanted me to promise? That I wouldn't keep you from going back to work?"
"Yes. And no getting anyone else to do it either!"
"Unless you're a danger to the others."
"Remus-"
"It would be the same for any of us! I'm putting my foot down on this one. I cannot just give you carte blanche when neither of us has any idea what's going on or how it will end up affecting you! Can you tell me, without reservation, that this won't affect your thinking or judgment in any way?"
She hesitated.
He ran his hands over his face in frustration. "You're asking a lot of me, without telling me anything in return."
She reached out and touched his knee. "I know. And I'm sorry. But please…trust me."
"Trust you to what? Take care of yourself? Know your own limits? Because I don't honestly think that you do," he said bluntly.
"Then trust me to tell you if I need help."
He shook his head. "You said if it gets worse. Not that I have any idea what 'worse' is. Do you?" he demanded.
She didn't want to answer, that much was obvious. "Yes," she finally said, her face somber. "I'll know worse."
They stared at each other, and Remus wished he knew what was going on in that head of hers. She'd closed herself off again.
"So let's be absolutely clear on this. Something is making you sick, you don't know what it is, you won't tell anyone what's going on, and you won't go to the Healers, because otherwise they might keep you from running off to save the world, is that about right?"
She shrank back. "Well, when you put it that way, it sounds really bad, doesn't it?" she half-joked in a small voice.
"Have you stopped to consider the possibility that this…whatever it is might have a relatively easy cure? Just because you don't know what it is doesn't mean that the healers won't. Or that I wouldn't. You've already been stuck here this long, what's another couple of days?"
"And what if it's not a relatively easy cure? What if it's something that keeps me in bed for weeks?"
"So what's a few weeks in the long run? That's not a lot of time-"
"You don't understand!" she cried. "This is already taking too long!"
"People get hurt in our line of work all the time. You heal up and then go back and-"
"And in the meantime those monsters are still out there killing innocent people!"
"Wait," Remus frowned. "Are we talking about Death Eaters in general, or Claremont and Lennox specifically?"
Tonks glared down at her hands, lips pinched tight.
"Moody already warned you, Tonks. You can't turn this into a personal vendetta, even if you were well."
"I'm not."
"Would you be so desperate to get back to work if they'd been caught, then?" he accused.
Her expression was furious as their eyes met. Remus tried a different tack. "It's not like the Order has been sitting on its hands this whole time. We're doing everything we can."
"No, we're not," she shot back, "because I'm stuck in here sitting on my hands! And so is Sirius! This is so...so fucking stupid, that there are two perfectly capable-"
"You're not perfectly capable, you're not even fully recovered!"
"I'm still more qualified than most of the Order!"
"Yes, you are! Which is exactly why we can't afford to lose you!"
That shocked her into silence.
Remus took a deep breath. "I know what you're going through. Believe me. I struggle with this all the time. It's hard to accept the fact that you're not as strong or- or healthy as you need to be. But all of us get injured or sick at some point. There's no shame in needing time to heal."
"I know. I know," she said, thumping the bed with a fist. "But the more times goes by, the less of a chance we have to catch them, and it makes me crazy. I need to do something."
"And chasing them down at the cost of your own life only helps them in the long run."
"I know," she repeated, but she had a mulish look on her face again.
This conversation was going in circles. "All right," he sighed, feeling defeated. "I promise not to stand in your way-"
She sat up a little straighter.
He went on before she could say anything, "-so long as you promise that you'll come to me for help if you can't figure it out on your own. Soon."
After a long moment, she nodded. He felt like that was the best answer he was going to get out of her at present and let it go.
After insisting that she finish the food he'd brought for her, and promising to send Kingsley up, Remus had to leave on Order business that he said he'd already put off for too long. She could tell he didn't want to go, and a corresponding part of her wanted him to stay. She'd been knocked sideways too many times today, and while he'd done a good deal of the knocking, he'd also been the biggest source of comfort.
But it was better that he leave. She needed to check and make sure that her promise hadn't come due the moment she made it.
What the hell had happened with her potion, anyway? Was it the rum that had messed everything up? Although thinking it through, it had to have been the hangover potion Remus had given her. The whole thing was a little fuzzy, but the timing for that fit, didn't it?
Stupid, stupid, stupid. She smacked the heel of her hand into her forehead to see if that drove it into her head any better. Why had she imagined that she could drink like that, given everything that was going on? Where was her basic common sense? Flown out the window, apparently.
And now Remus knew. Not all of it, but enough. She'd known he was getting suspicious, but she thought she'd successfully passed it off as slow healing.
"You idiot," she told her reflection in the mirror. "You almost ruined everything. What's wrong with you?"
Was Remus right? Was this…whatever-it-was affecting her to the point that her rational mind was compromised? Although it seemed to her that if she were capable of that thought, she was probably doing all right. But how could she be sure?
One thing at a time, she told herself. Take stock, and then decide what to do. She steeled herself for the worst and let her body shift and settle back into herself.
Relief was a blessed loosening of the tight knot in her stomach. She studied her features carefully. Maybe just the tiniest bit thinner? Barely anything. She pulled away the collar of her shirt and studied the edges of the scarring on her neck. Still red and angry, but no worse. Although... She thought the one curling over her upper right shoulder had been a different shape. Or maybe it was the left one? She checked the other side and frowned. Strange.
But usually she looked at them using the hand mirrors. They would be flipped. Right. She shook her head. There was enough to worry about without imagining things. She readjusted her shirt and quickly changed everything back to her "public" appearance before Kingsley arrived. Disguises for work were one thing, but remembering to maintain every detail all the time was difficult even for her. Thank goodness for a sharp memory, even if it was a little muddled lately.
It seemed like the ongoing damage had stabilized for the moment. For how long, though? Reluctantly she made herself face a hard truth. Avoidance was getting her exactly nowhere. She needed Remus' help. He'd been right there when the whole thing had happened and he was more familiar with the spells that Claremont had used. She needed to pick Remus' brain about everything he knew. It was ridiculous and pig-headed not to. And ridiculous to think he wouldn't guess almost immediately where her questions were leading, which was why she hadn't done that yet, but…the man was intelligent. He'd probably guessed at least part of it already, so what was the point of keeping this up?
Part of her had arrived at a point where she welcomed the idea. Keeping this secret was exhausting. And almost worse than what was happening to her was the thought of going through it all alone.
Trusting him seemed foolhardy, but she also felt like their friendship had solidified into something she could count on not to fall apart the next time they had an argument. He'd visibly restrained himself a number of times today, she'd seen it. And she knew him well enough by now to believe that he'd help her with this regardless of whether or not their friendship dissolved. She didn't doubt his sincerity on that score.
But being sincere in his desire to help her didn't mean that he wouldn't also run to Moody or Dumbledore if he believed she was endangering herself and everyone else in the Order. She just didn't know what to do.
And then there was the other complication.
Being so close to him had made her feel more alive than she'd felt in a long time. Maybe ever. Alive and safe and…cherished. He'd held her so gently, like she might break, which ordinarily she would have resented—she wasn't some fragile porcelain princess—but this had felt good. Better than good. She hadn't wanted it to end.
Had he?
Well…maybe she was a fool. She blamed his voice. A voice like that might make anyone go a bit daft. And she really did need his help. He'd promised not to stand in her way, after all.
She was still arguing with herself, tidying up the empty dishes on the tray when Kingsley knocked at her open door.
A/N: You know, a buffer does no good if you don't actually finish the previous chapter you thought you'd already finished. Yeah.
So despite tornadoes and massive flooding and all the fun things that Hurricane Ida brought with her, we're okay here. I hope you all are okay too. Take care, everyone. Thank you for reading. :)