My eyes snapped open as a painful inhalation blew a column of cold air through my swollen throat, on its way to a pair of desperate lungs that continued fighting for oxygen, making my chest rise and fall rapidly. I narrowed my eyes to frantically look around, finding a puzzling scene around me. What had been a Gessell chamber in the past was now reduced to a cubic metal structure with empty spaces, similar to windows, where the mirrors and thick glass were missing, which were now scattered all over the laboratory floor in a sharp ocean.
Now I could see the rest of the lab unobstructed and I could see Fury and Hill concentrated on a screen with graphics that seemed to generate a heated discussion between them.
I heard glass breaking in one of the corners of the chamber, where there seemed to be a hustle and bustle around the machines that had been connected at different points in my body through electrodes. Coulson was cornered at the back of that group, scowling, paying close attention to something Streiten was saying. He had small cuts on his left cheek and he had removed his suit jacket.
I sat up carefully, feeling the softness of a garment on top of me and discovering that my hands were free. I took the black jacket feeling infinite gratitude for Coulson, more than usual in any case, and held it against my chest, feeling pain in several spots on my arms. Coulson caught the movement and ran to where I was, cracking several crystals in his path. Once at my side he inspected my face with concern but finally breathed out in relief. Then the rest of those present noticed that I was awake and Streiten approached with a calm step. I saw Hill and Fury walk towards us.
"Miss Swan? I need you to nod or shake your head to answer the questions I'm going to ask you. Do you understand what I am saying?"
His dark eyes had no malice, but I couldn't help feeling like a child to whom things had to be explained slowly.
"Yes," I wanted to sound scathing, but my voice came out as a painful snore, scratching the entire length of my throat. I gulped in an attempt to ease the pain and felt a metallic taste in my mouth that almost made me sick.
I felt Coulson's hand squeeze one of mine, while offered me a pocket square with his free hand.
"That's why I asked you to just nod or deny," Streiten resumed in a friendly tone. This time I nodded and out of the corner of my eye saw the corners of Phil's mouth stretch into a smile.
Streiten continued.
"Do you know who I am?" I nodded.
"Do you know where you are?" I nodded again.
"Do you remember what you came here for?" He asked again. I frowned as I struggled to remember. The first cascade of images made me force the air out of my lungs in a gasp. Coulson took my hand again tightly. I sat up on the semi-reclined table, struggling to breathe easier. Releasing his hand to support my head in a pathetic attempt to stop the memories projecting onto my closed lids, I squeezed them harder and my head throbbed painfully. I opened my eyes, straining to focus my attention on anything else instead of those poignant memories. Not even the blood spreading like the branches of a tree on my forearms managed to distract me from the growing fire in my chest, where all the poisonous images that my mind released took root. I closed my eyes tightly again.
I heard someone call my name before feeling hands on my arm, wanting to remove it from my forehead. They did not understand that without that pressure in my head the images would consume me completely, they could not move my hands from their place!
No, no, no!
I brought my knees up to my chest trying to control the flames that seemed to leave my body when I heard something crash against the metal of the chamber and Coulson screaming something desperately.
I opened my eyes immediately. The fire in my chest had extraordinarily evaporated, taking the torturous memories with it, leaving only a fuzzy edge in place.
But what awaited me outside my head wasn't much better.
Fifteen SHIELD agents were pointing guns at me, stiff, watching my every move. I looked to my right to see Coulson with one hand on his still holstered weapon, his eyes resting on each of the officers around us.
I looked over to where the noise that caused such a stir had come from, to find Streiten being helped to get to his feet.
Adrenaline flowed hot and fast through my veins, burning everything in its path.
"Put your weapons down now!" Fury yelled grumpily. Of those with guns, only Fury, Hill, and Coulson weren't targeting me. The order was carried out immediately.
"Everyone out!" He ordered in the same tone.
Everyone present left the compound automatically, except for the only three people who hadn't wanted to shoot me.
I turned to look at Coulson desperately.
"I'm so sorry! I don't know when I pushed him, I mustn't have measured my strength, I'm sorry, It wasn't my intention!"
Tears fell uncontrollably down my cheeks as I spoke, unsure if anything was understood with the hoarseness I had.
"Shh Bella," Coulson said as he patted my trembling hand. Agent Hill rushed to my side, held my chin to examine my face for a moment, and blinked several times.
"I'm so sorry Hill, seriously, I didn't want to push him" my voice was a hiss out of tune, I had to count on her reading my lips.
"Bella" was the second time she called me like that ever since I had met her, "Bella" repeated to get my attention, finally I looked into her eyes, wiping my tears with the back of my hand, "you didn't push him"
Her whisper puzzled me.
"You didn't push him using your hands," Fury told me, enigmatic as he approached, unaffected by the situation unfolding under his nose.
"Bella, it worked," Coulson said, taking the tissue from my hands and rubbing it awkwardly across my cheeks. I looked puzzled at the red dye with which the handkerchief had been impregnated and I looked at my arms again, red from the blood flowing to my hands, which I had passed through my face trying to dry the moisture from the tears.
"Agent Coulson is right. You did it perfectly, Miss Swan, It was us who made a mistake and underestimated you" he admitted.
Hill turned one of the screens that Streiten had been inspecting to show me graphics that I could never understand.
I opened my mouth to ask what they meant, but Hill beat me.
"I wanted to show you that, give me a second," she said, rolling her eyes theatrically.
She began to display a column chart that she enlarged at will with her fingers on the touch screen.
"Look here, do you see this?" she pointed to a number in units that I did not know ,"we calibrate all the equipment on that frequency, well above the limit, to try to amplify even the tiniest signal emitted by your mind"
"Error number one", Fury joked. Hill admitted it but it didn't sound nearly as funny.
"Right. The second was having believed that it would come exclusively from your brain"
I looked at her stunned. She looked at Coulson and resumed her explanation.
"When the images began to flow through your brain, all those machines began to sound, in alarm, due to the increasing magnitude of the electrical impulse they were receiving. Most of the tension was coming from the electrodes attached to your chest, so we were quick to add more to that area. Apparently we did it at the worst moment of the simulation, because a few seconds after connecting them, an energetic wave of fifteen kilometers per hour shot out of the equipment, destroying the crystals and hitting several agents, pushing them several meters back. You were very close to all the mirrors, many pieces bounced and hurt you, that's why you have blood there" she said as she took a medicine cabinet from the floor and took out gauze and antiseptics.
"Did I do that?" I whispered to avoid straining my voice, ignoring the last part as Agent Hill made me spread my arms to remove the blood.
"Yes," Fury said, enjoying the statement.
"How?" I insisted, shaking my head, the tears had returned.
"Fighting back, Miss Swan. You struggled so hard to push those images out of your head that finally found the strength to do so. And our machines were able to transduce all the energy that passed through it while you did so" he answered.
I kept shaking my head, finding it absurd
"But apparently", he continued, "we have given you the impulse you needed to be able to express this ability spontaneously.
I was immediately horrified.
"Don't get upset. It doesn't mean you will destroy everything five meters around every time you have a nightmare. It means that we were right about something: you generate a potential that our technology can harness to expand it. We just have to scrutinize every second of the procedure and analyze the computer log".
"But there won't be any more tests like that, right?" I exclaimed but it came out as a desperate hiss, struggling to breathe normally.
"No," Hill and Coulson said in unison, returning my soul to my body.
Coulson handed me my slippers so I could walk through the sea of crystals, while Hill ushered Streiten in so he could examine me. He did not accept any of my apologies, claiming that it only meant that his work had been succeeded. At some point in the test my nose had bled and my face was a red and salty mess. I washed my face with more gauze that Maria gave me and the doctor removed some crystals embedded in my left arm. Coulson brought me a hot tea to soothe my throat while they bandaged my hands and ankles where the straps had burned me from twisting. I dressed in the clothes I had worn over the little sports outfit and left the building with Phil. I was silent throughout the trip, although I couldn't say much hoarseness as I was.
I was surprised when Phil walked me to my apartment and came in with me. He told me to sit on the couch while he made me another cup of tea. His concern created a knot in my throat.
He positioned himself next to me, offering me a steaming mug.
"What are you thinking about?" He wanted to know. My spy friend couldn't know how many memories that question triggered.
"I'm exhausted from thinking", I answered in a low voice.
And there were still so many things to analyze in my mind. Why were Hill and Fury arguing? It made me uneasy that Fury was so excited about the result, he seemed… eager to continue. But I had no idea what was coming next, the interviews, the electroshocks, the exercises, the diets; absolutely everything had been geared towards preparing me for the Beta Test. No one had talked about the after.
"What do we do next?"
"You? You earned a leave. Tomorrow is your birthday, maybe I can arrange things for you to celebrate it in Forks" he told me warmly.
I felt a hole in my stomach at the prospect of returning to Forks, so I remained silent.
"I don't like my birthdays, you know that", I replied.
"Yeah, but the excuses you've given me suck, so I'll pretend you like them until you have a good reason to hate your birthdays."
"My brother-in-law wanted to murder me and that's why my boyfriend left me a few days later", I told him.
"That wasn't the first time a sadic vampire tried to kill you. And break ups happen all the time, something completely natural", he said, shrugging. His response had a childish tone that managed to steal a smile from me despite the topic we were addressing. I took a sip of my tea, enjoying the sensation of the liquid running down my throat.
I sighed heavily. I knew it was risky to ask him everything I wanted to know, everything that caused me anxiety and mistrust every time I was left alone, but I felt like they would explode in my chest if I didn't. And in view of what had happened a couple of hours ago, I didn't want anything exploding in or from my chest.
"Phil", I whispered.
"Yes?" he said, stirring the coffee he had prepared for himself.
"What will happen to me later? After you've got what you were looking for, I mean".
He answered, convinced of every word.
"Whatever you want. SHIELD will most likely hire you as a resource for future research or cooperation, so that's your decision. You can stay or go back to your life before all this".
The simplicity of his answer only made me more anxious. I knew nothing was that easy.
"Don't you lie to me?" I questioned him.
"Why don't you ask me what you really want to know instead of doubting me?"
I should have known he could see through my intentions, I rolled my eyes, noticing a slight pressure behind them that made me frown.
"Does your head hurt? I don't think a pill can help you, you've made an unprecedented effort, but maybe I can call Dr. Streiten for advice. You made a superhuman effort.
"It was torture" I admitted avoiding his gaze.
I took courage and continued:
"And that leads me to wonder how many similar things ... or worse you have done during your history. I mean SHIELD" I clarified, unnecessarily, thinking of the determination I saw in Fury's good eye.
"Bella, no one is going to hurt you. If SHIELD has always justified the means to achieve a certain end, that's another discussion" he answered quickly.
"What will you do if you manage to get… I don't know, a small button that when pressed covers their minds in the same way as me?"
"Give it to our agents most exposed to mental threats", he answered as if it were obvious. I stared at him not knowing what to say. I knew I could trust Phil, but what happened in the Beta Test had destabilized me, sending me to the darkest corners of my mind, causing everything I had been suppressing so well thanks to constant planning of my life to gush out. .
Since I had arrived I had not once questioned the intentions of SHIELD, nor my possible future after the investigation, I had not even rethought what to do with my relationship with Edward, what months ago had been the undisputed center of my world.
Needless to say, I hadn't stopped to think for a second why I was obsessed with Steve Rogers, either.
I began to shiver from the cold that seemed to come out of me as I turned over all these matters. I didn't hear when Coulson got up to get a blanket, but I felt him place it on my shoulders and didn't say anything, but I thanked him deeply inside.
He sighed loudly.
"I know I'm not going to regret this, but I still find it difficult to share information" he said nervously, shook his shoulders and continued, "last year we had some visitors ... who were not from around here, and in their short stay they swept through a small town. Our weapons were far from matching the seriousness of the threat, it was like taking a knife to a gunfight. That wasn't even the worst. No. The worst thing was having the person responsible for all this right under my nose and not having found out because he was a kind of ... sorcerer, who played at will with the minds of mortals . Having counted on your ability at that time would have spared us several tragedies".
I had made the question, but his confession had caught me off guard.
I trusted Phil blindly, but SHIELD wasn't made up of just him.
I was silent for a long time.
"Do you want me to leave you alone?" He asked, motivated by discomfort.
"No", I answered quickly. He nodded with an understandable smile.
"Although if you have to go I'll be fine", I added, suddenly unsure by the needy tone of my answer.
"You're not the only one with the day off, Miss Swan", he joked.
"I haven't heard from Nat since this morning", I mused aloud.
"She was assigned a mission a while ago, should be back by this time tomorrow.
I nodded absently, my head a violent whirlwind of information. I tried to distract myself and addressed Phil in the funniest tone I could improvise.
"Maybe now that you're here you can take advantage of the trip and ask Captain Rogers to sign your cards".
"Do you think he'll be in the gym?" He asked hopefully. I laughed without sound, it was cute to see a grown up man get like this for his idol.
"I don't know why you ask if the time you met him in person you looked like me anytime I see Hill" he laughed out loud and then shifted in his seat, with hurt pride.
"You laugh as if you wouldn't die for his autograph", he stung me in indignation.
The blush made my face burn.
"I find his story interesting, that's all".
Coulson snorted, clearly disagreeing.
We chatted about small things for a bit more before he had to go. My nervousness increased with each step we took on the way to the door, the terror of being alone began to erode the calm I had achieved. Phil noticed and seemed undecided about saying something. Taking a step out of the apartment, he made up his mind to let it go.
"When I read your file I didn't think you were a big deal, I must be honest", he said smiling, I shrugged, smiling slightly. "We are talking about a very expensive project that had to turn out well. I had visited other candidates, and there were a couple left to examine, but it only took a few minutes with you to understand that you were something that neither I nor Fury nor Hill could ever understand. You were something ... you were something else. And I bet on that" he said, clicking his tongue, sending a new wave of tears to my eyes.
"Even if what happened hadn't happened today, I'd bet on you another hundred times without hesitation", he finished quietly as he shook his head, almost in resignation, as if it were something he couldn't control.
I didn't hesitate and hugged him tightly, leaving a couple more tears on his shirt. Phil laughed happily but patted me on the back, not quite sure what to do. I released him and sniffed, making him smile.
"Well, I bet on you the moment I saw the butterfly carpet" I said laughing. Coulson nodded as he made the connection. He patted me on the head in goodbye, I closed the door behind him and headed straight for my bed, where I fell asleep in tears.
The roar of the doorbell rescued me from the nightmare unfolding in my head and I woke up agitated and in pain. I got to my feet a little dizzy, and stumbled toward the door.
I blinked in confusion to see Fury in front of me. The same stern expression as always, but a little out of his usual role, unsure, waiting for me to give him permission to pass.
"Fury" I said, still confused. "Come in", I moved immediately to let him pass and he relaxed noticeably, pulling out a bag of takeout food from behind his back.
"I assumed you hadn't had dinner yet".
I looked at the time on the dining room clock, amazed at how many hours I'd slept. Not so amazed at other thing he said:
"'Assumed'?
My skeptical tone didn't surprise him at all. I was beginning to wonder if there was anything that could ever surprise him.
"I suppose you find it easier to deal with the idea of us spying on you 24/7 instead of accepting that you are an open book with transparent covers and everything".
Well, my mother would be happy to know that someone agreed with her. I reminded myself that I hadn't called her in a week, just like Charlie. I should fix that soon. I refused to think of another number that I hadn't dialed in a while as well.
"Thank you", I said, ignoring his comment.
I was on my way to get plates and cutlery when he interrupted me with his deep voice.
"Cheeseburgers, you won't need that"..
I looked at him puzzled.
"You know I can't eat that".
"Today is your day off," he smiled. I gave him a suspicious look and then followed him to the table. We began to eat in silence.
"I guess you're wondering what I came for", he said casually.
"I've learned not to ask certain things", I said without looking at him. I would not admit the immense amount of questions (and accusations) that I had.
"Maybe you do have what it takes to become an agent after all.
I didn't answer.
"I know you've been asking a lot about Captain Rogers".
Fury's tone in relation to Rogers was nothing like Coulson's humorous tone when he accused me of the same thing. I stiffened my gaze.
"A woman wanting to find out about Steve Rogers. Big news" I rolled my eyes.
Fury smiled, perhaps enjoying my evasion.
"It is not his dating records that interests you, Miss Swan."
I gulped.
I was certainly interested in that too, but he knew what my interest in Rogers was about. All the secrets around the experiment that made him Captain America, weapons of HYDRA, the Tesseract. I'd had a hard time putting that information together, usually from little things I could get from Natasha and Phil.
It had been the bulk of that information that had triggered my distrust around SHIELD lately. It felt overwhelming how many things were orbiting me without my knowing of their existence and the fact that I had almost blindly accepted their terms did not give me any peace of mind.
"You will not collaborate to hurt anyone", he seemed to read my train of thought "your nature prevents you from doing so. And that's what brings me here".
My muscles tensed automatically.
"You know that with the murder of Erskine the formula for the SS serum was lost forever. But that did not stop the agent who had been in charge of the investigation ..
"Agent Carter," I said hastily. I knew the whole story from Phil.
"Exactly, the founder of SHIELD", well, I didn't know that part. "When Howard Stark found the Tesseract, Agent Carter couldn't help but study it, but unfortunately, the equipment they had at the time was inadequate. But the products of these investigations gave way to more current investigations, in such a way that thanks to the work of many agents throughout all these years, today we have an improved serum prototype, generated based on energetic molecules that were obtained from the Tesseract. and that they could replace the radiation that Erskine originally used.
I went blank for a whole minute.
"What do you mean…
"Isabella", Fury interrupted me, the gravity of his voice making him more grim and as he spoke he leaned over the table, approaching me, "having devices that have a tenth of your power to avoid future threats is a great plan, but knowing that there is a person who is good from head to toes with the ability to protect thousands of people at the same time… well, then I could sleep better at night"..
His words felt like a bucket of cold water. And at the same time they made a lot of sense.
"Is that why you chose me?"
He sat up smiling.
"It wasn't me the one who had to make that choice", he answered triumphantly.
"It's getting late and you have a lot to think about. The last thing I want is to bother you" he began to say as he stood up.
"You drop that bomb and go?", I exclaimed incredulously.
"It is never good to stay near a grenade", he answered me, completely oblivious of my growing fury.
"Good night Isabella", he said with his back to the door, and then took the doorknob with a smirk.
I spent the rest of the night crying and throwing things, too enraged to be able to do anything else.
Sadly, not all of the anger was directed at the director of SHIELD. Many of the things that boiled my blood actually exceeded him.
After all, I had been the one who had left Forks to be part of something I didn't quite understand. I had also been the one who had accepted everything so easily, without asking questions or looking for guarantees.
When did it seem like a great idea to be part of an experiment made by the murkiest spy agency in history?
Although I couldn't help but be eaten away by the voice in my head telling me that it had also been me who had trembled at Edward's proposal, starting to disrupt the pillars of my life before SHIELD appeared on the scene. That line of thought was the one I feared the most.
Even more than serum. That it was an entirely different subject. And at the same time quite similar. I mean, at the end of the day it was about accepting to be injected with a liquid that would spread throughout my body irreversibly, maximizing everything in its path.
I felt that my head could not process all the categories of analysis that were necessary, but it was not like I could go to ask people who I knew had been changed by a supernatural liquid how they had come to that decision. First, because for none of the seven people I was thinking of had it been consensual. The Cullens were happy (or most of them were) with the fact of leading the existence they led, but it had never been something they were given a choice. Rosalie had made that clear the last time I'd seen her, beautiful and icy, watching over my humanity.
And neither could I count on consulting the other person who had actually been through the exact same situation. What was I supposed to say?
"Hello Captain Rogers, it's me, the awkward little girl who literally fell at your feet the day after you woke up from the dead. I wanted to know if you could tell me about how you decided to agree to participate in the experiment that left you one or two traumas seventy years ago".
I might as well get Phil's vintage cards to get them signed while I'm at it.
I blew out forcefully, tugging at my hair a bit. I couldn't sleep and I had been pacing the living room for hours mulling over the matter. The shower hadn't worked, and it had only made all the wounds that covered my body itch.
The ringing of my phone made me jump. It was 4 AM, I answered, surprised, fearing bad news.
"Bella, we have a situation. I need you to be ready to go out in fifteen minutes. George will pick you up".
"Phil? What situation?"
"You'll find out on the way. Fifteen minutes Bella".
"Sure", I answered quickly, starting to look for my clothes, feeling the excitement of adrenaline.
"Oh, and, Bella?"
"Yes?" I said anxiously.
"Happy birthday", Coulson said before cutting off the communication.
Well, that helped me a lot, after all, nothing bad ever happened on my birthdays.I rolled my eyes.
I smiled wryly as I knotted for the first time the dark laces of a new pair of boots which would never be that shiny again.