***A/N***

Yes, the majority of you were correct about the homeless man! I may do another chapter from his POV as the story continues.

Anyone else dreading daylight savings ending tonight? It's so dark...all the time. I hate it.

S. Meyer owns all things Twilight

Chapter 30- The Swoon

BPOV

I was warm. I could feel the sun on my face, and a balmy breeze on my body. I was lying on a blanket, and even though my eyes were closed, I knew I was at the beach.

It wasn't the cold and windy beach of La Push though, no, this was all sunshine and heat. I could hear gulls crying overhead, and soft waves lapping at the shore. I extended my arm past the blankets edge, and gathered a handful of warm sand, letting the small grains slide through my fingers as I let out a contented sigh. I felt like I could stay there forever, basking in the warmth.

I was drawing lazy patterns in the soft granules, and listening to the waves, when suddenly I felt a shadow pass over, robbing me of the sunshine. I opened my eyes to see how long it would take for the cloud to move on, only to discover, it wasn't a cloud, it was a man. He was blocking the sun, his head back-lit by the shining yellow orb, making it impossible for me to see his face clearly.

I smiled up at him. He was familiar. I knew him. I don't know how, but I did.

He leaned his head down, and shook it vigorously over my body, causing droplets of water, the remnants from his dip in the ocean, to fly from his hair, and land all over me.

I squealed as I watched him kneel at my feet, his change in position allowing the sun to shine on my face once more, and I closed my eyes again.

I felt him slowly start to crawl up my body, the water from his board shorts and hair, dripping onto my skin. He settled on top of me, between my legs, and pressed his lips to my throat. They were warm and soft, and moved over my skin with a slow intensity that left me breathless. I smiled at the feel of his weight on top of me, and raised my hands, to run my fingers through his damp hair.

I sighed as he brought one of his hands up, and placed it lightly over my breast, his fingers lazily circling my nipple through the fabric of my bathing suit top.

He brought his other hand up under my hair, to the nape of my neck, and tugged gently at the strings there. Once they were untied, he skimmed his hand down to the middle of my back, and performed the same task. When all ties were free, he brought his hand around to the front, and pulled softly on the suit at the center, between my breasts, and brushed it off and away from my body.

I felt the sun on my bare skin, and it was glorious. My body began to tingle, and a need started to build inside of me. It began in my stomach, and very quickly, moved between my legs.

His lips trailed down my throat and moved toward my chest at a leisurely pace, his fingers still lightly circling my nipple, only now, the sensation was multiplied as his fingers connected directly with my skin.

I wrapped my legs around him, trying to bring him closer to me, and I could feel his warm breath fan over my breasts as I tried to pull his head down to where I wanted him to be.

Finally, he complied and lowered his head, and I felt his tongue come out and lick my nipple softly, I gasped at the new sensation, arched my back, and felt an immediate surge of warmth between my legs. His mouth was wet and warm as it passed back and forth across my sensitive flesh, and I raised my hips, needing to feel all of him against me.

One of his hands was splayed against my back in support, while the other rested at my waist, gently stroking my hip. He moved his mouth to my other breast, while he started to slowly untie the strings at my hip.

I was dying to be free of the material, and completely naked underneath him, and I pulled his hair to let him know I wanted more. "Please," I panted while lifting my hips toward him, "please."

Instead of removing my bottoms, he moved his hand between my legs and I felt the lightest of touches brush against my inner thighs. He moved his hand up the inside of my thigh and then slowly,... so incredibly slowly, took his index finger and ran it from the top of my clit, all the way to where I wanted to feel him inside me.

That was all it took. My back arched, my mouth fell open, and I tumbled over the edge, seeing a symphony of stars all around me. My body convulsed as his mouth stayed latched onto my nipple, and sucked, hard, while his fingers continued to lightly caress my clit. I clung to him as I rode out an orgasm that never seemed to end.

After what felt like an eternity, my heartbeat started to come back to a normal rhythm. My entire body felt weightless, and I could feel him resting his chin on my chest, waiting for me to open my eyes and join him in the here and now.

I opened my eyes slowly, not ready to come up from this state of bliss just yet, but knowing I had to thank this god, with the magic lips and fingers. As I opened my eyes, I saw the fuzzy outline of a face, and the sun reflecting off copper hair. He was smiling at me, a beautiful, satisfied smile. I smiled back at him dreamily, and looked into his eyes,... the brilliant green eyes of Edward Cullen.

~!~

My eyes popped open, wide and alert. I was staring at the bedroom wall of Esme and Carlisle's guest room. My breathing was heavy, the comforter pushed off, my t shirt ridden up to my neck. I blinked a few times. I was still stuck in that in-between place, the one where you just wake up and you're not sure what's real and what's a dream.

Holy Shit, was that real? That felt really real.

I could still feel his tongue and his hands on my body, and I pressed my legs together as another wave of warmth rushed between them.

Oh my God. I just had a sex dream about Detective Cullen, err, I mean Edward...we are on a first name basis now.

Ummm, yeah, after that, I would think so.

I felt my face turn what must have been a hundred shades of red, as I pulled down my shirt.

Oh my God, oh my God.

I rolled over onto my back, and stared at the ceiling, trying to get my bearings.

This was so inappropriate, didn't he have a girlfriend, the one from the text message?

Yes he does, her name is, 'I'll cook' Tanya.

I was mortified.

I laid in bed for a few more minutes trying to compose myself. Once I felt I had things under control, I sat up, letting out a few long breaths.

Ok, you're going to get up, go about your day, and forget all about this. It's going to be like it never happened. It's just been a long time, that's all. You haven't had sex in a long time, and your mind just inserted the face of the only man you've spent any time with lately. Remember, he talked to you that first night in the hospital all about how he liked the sun and beaches? Girl, you took a psychology course in college, it's your subconscious. Don't forget, you saw him shirtless and all 'poetry in motion' three days ago, so it's no wonder he's starring in your dreams.

I started to feel a little bit better. Yes, that's all it was, my subconscious was just playing tricks on me. If Detective McCarty had been the one who talked to me that night, and questioned me, and spent so much time with me, the dream probably would have been about him.

Sure, whatever you say.

Stop it, that's all it was. That, and Esme always trying to fix me up.

The truth of the matter was, if Esme Cullen knew the full extent of the pitiful excuse for a love life I've had, I don't think she'd be glibly entertaining me with stories of bridge club nieces, and the meet cutes of gay wedding planners. No, I think this is a challenge even 'Miss Matchmaker' would walk away from.

Sure, I dated in high school. My first kiss was Mike Newton, he invited me to a movie and held my hand. I remember how sweaty his was, and when he kissed me goodnight, I felt nothing. Wasn't I supposed to feel something, butterflies in my stomach, nerves, anticipation? All the romance novels I read were always talking about 'swooning', but there was no swooning going on, none at all.

Needless to say, I turned Mike down the next time he asked me out. He was a little miffed, but moved on pretty quickly to Jessica, and they've been an item ever since. Actually, they're perfect for each other.

And probably having sex in your apartment right now.

Well, at least someone was.

In college, Angela and I were roommates. She was in a sorority, and although I wasn't into a lot of activities, I did have fun hanging out with her sorority sisters and going to parties. I went on a few dates here and there, but nothing serious until I met someone in my psychology class, Chris. We dated for about five months and he was the first person I slept with. There weren't any hearts and flowers or swooning with Chris, but he was a nice guy, and he made my first time a nice experience.

Angela met Ben our sophomore year, and I always joked that she got the last good one, so there wasn't any point in me looking anymore. After Chris and I broke up, Angela encouraged me to date again, but I just wasn't interested. I was more focused on classes and my writing. There were a few attempts with one or two of Ben's fraternity brothers, but no one ever held my interest.

The thing was though, I didn't feel like I was missing anything. I was happy with my life, and didn't feel like I needed a man to feel complete. It would have been nice if I had met 'the one' like Angela had, but I didn't feel like my life was lacking, without it.

Angela told me it was a defense mechanism, that I wouldn't allow myself to get close to anyone because I didn't want to get hurt. We agreed to disagree.

A few years after I started my job at the publishing company, I began dating a guy from work named Keith. Keith was funny and cute, and the more I got to know him, I realized he was more than just cute, he was down right handsome.

He had dark hair and blue eyes and had a confidence about him that was extremely attractive. He wasn't cocky, but you could tell he was comfortable in his own skin. He had been working at the company for two years and was a rising star. His office was on the same floor as mine, and we always seemed to find ourselves on the elevator together at lunchtime.

When the weather was nice, we started sitting together at the picnic tables outside, or sometimes we would run over to the local sushi place and grab a quick bite. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him. I started looking forward to coming to work. I would put some effort into what I wore. I would put on makeup and fix my hair.

After about three weeks of lunches, Keith finally asked me out on a date. I was over the moon. I never thought he'd ask. I called Angela right away and we face timed for an hour while I tried on different outfits. I think she was more nervous than I was.

The night arrived, and Keith picked me up. He was handsome in a button down, light blue oxford shirt, and khaki pants. He took me to dinner to an Italian restaurant in Port Angeles. He opened the car door for me, pulled out my chair, and over my protests, insisted on paying.

It was a fabulous evening. The conversation was good, my date was attractive, and my stomach was feeling a little flippy, and it wasn't from the food...and when Keith drove me home and walked me to my door, he kissed me, and I felt,...I felt, the swoon.

Oh boy, did I ever. The swoon was real. Butterflies were flying, swooning was happening. He texted me as soon as he got home, and said he couldn't wait to see me again. I called Angela and we talked for an hour and giggled like school girls.

Keith and I continued to see each other over the next few weeks. He was always respectful, and never pushed me to do anything I wasn't ready to do . But the thing was, I felt ready. I wanted more. I never wanted more with anyone, but I wanted more with him.

One night when we were at his apartment, he made me dinner, and we were watching a movie on the couch, or rather, we were making out on the couch, and a movie was playing in the background. He was kissing me, and I was in full swoon. When he asked if I wanted to stay the night, I smiled at him, eager, and more than ready.

He was a kind, considerate, and attentive lover, and I truly believed I was falling in love with him, and by all accounts, it seemed he felt the same way.

A few weeks later, he asked me to go away with him for a long weekend. He was going to a car show with some of his friends. It was a couples thing. I hadn't met any of his friends at that point, we had kind of just been in our own little bubble. I was so excited when he asked, and I immediately said yes.

I got some of my cutest outfits together, made sure I packed my birth control pills and my toothpaste, and I was ready to go.

He started acting weird as soon as we arrived at the hotel. He didn't seem to want to introduce me to his friends, and he always had an excuse not to have sex with me. I was crushed and confused. We drove home in silence, and I tried not to cry as I stared out the window for the three hour drive. He dropped me off at my apartment without a kiss goodbye.

I called Angela immediately, crying and wondering what happened. The next night Keith texted and asked if he could come over. Of course I told him yes, hoping he was going to tell me it was all some kind of misunderstanding. Maybe there was something going on with him and he didn't know how to tell me. When he walked in, I knew immediately, by the look on his face, it was over. Looking remorseful, he told me the relationship was just too much, too soon for him, and the weekend made him realize he wasn't ready for something so serious.

I didn't say much, I was too heartbroken to speak, and just sat and listened to him as he tried to apologize. I gave him some credit for actually facing me, and not doing it over text message, but I was devastated.

Logically I knew it wasn't my fault and there was nothing wrong with me. My self esteem had always been healthy. I knew I was attractive. I may never be on the cover of Vogue, wearing the latest Balenciaga fashions, but with the right outfit, and a little bit of makeup, I'm not half bad. I would move on. Keith wasn't a bad guy, he just jumped in too soon, and unfortunately I was the casualty.

That's the story I stuck to, and repeated to myself for weeks, after we broke up, but the thing was, deep down, I had my doubts. There was a little voice in the back of my head, and it kept nagging at me, and telling me it really was my fault, that I wasn't good enough, that I did something wrong, that I didn't deserve him. On the really bad nights, I believed that voice, and wondered if maybe that's why Renee left as well.

Yeah, I could probably benefit from some therapy...on a few levels.

All those years in high school and college, when I wasn't really interested in anyone, that was safe, it didn't matter, no one I dated got into my heart and affected me. I could take them or leave them, but then Keith came along... and I felt the swoon. I thought the swoon was love, and if he didn't feel the same, wasn't it ultimately because I didn't measure up?

After the breakup, I went on a few dating websites, and found out pretty quickly, they just weren't for me. I never even met any of the guys that messaged me. A few weeks later, I saw Keith on one of those sites. I called Angela and cried as I read his profile to her over the phone. I sobbed, as I read her what he wrote, how he wanted to meet his partner in crime, someone he could fall in love with, someone he could marry. Why didn't he want that with me? Soon after, Keith took another job in Boston, and married someone else six months later. I heard they now have two kids.

For a long time it stung, and then I just buried it. I knew now I was never really in love with Keith, he was just the first person I let myself open up to, and I realized, that was a big mistake. It's better not to care, it's safer that way.

That was three years ago, and that's when I realized the swoon's just not worth it. It's not. I never want to go through that pain again. I can't put myself out there just to have someone stomp all over my heart again. It's better to live without the swoon, it is.

I'm content though. I'm happy with my life. I've got a good job, a few great friends, and when I'm feeling really lonely, I'm certainly able to take care of myself, 'ah-hem' in that way. No, it's not the same, but it's enough.

I threw the covers back, and put my feet on the floor to get out of bed. I wasn't going to think about the dream, or Edward, or my lack of a sex life. I was going to go shopping with Esme to prepare for the family dinner tonight, and enjoy all of the good things in my life, even if the swoon wasn't one of them..

So, the 'Keith' scenario was real. It totally sucked. It took me a looooong time to get over it. Much longer than Bella.

My first lemon...be kind! Lol

See you soon!