Part 23

That night Starsky sighed as he lay and listened to his partner's muffled groans in the room next to him, before laying his weary head down on the pillow and closing his tired eyes. A million unwelcome thoughts were swimming around inside his mind, and all he really wanted now was to sleep. It had been a long day for all, but he couldn't stop thinking about Hutch in the sitting room, evidently in the grip of another terrible nightmare as he thought about the blow his friend had received to the head earlier that afternoon, and of how much the horrible ugly bruise he'd sustained to his temple as a result must now be hurting him. What made it even worse was that he still wouldn't allow Starsky to take the sofa to enable him to spend just one night sleeping in his own bed.

The incident appeared to have shaken Captain Dobey deeply – he'd known the two men a very long time, and over the years had watched them both teetering on the very brink of death on more than one occasion. Several gunshot wounds, poisonings, a car accident – which had turned out to be not so much an accident as a botched hit – a run in with a deadly plague, and even an enforced drug addiction had tested both men's resolve and will to survive, as well as their deep dependence upon each other. He'd seen them both sick with the usual range of seasonal ailments too – colds, flu, stomach bugs, and even a couple of cases of food poisoning – but even taking into consideration the array of nasty but none serious pathogens which could make one feel very poorly for a short period of time he could see that things were very different this time.

When Hutch, pale faced and still a little unsteady on his feet, had finally moved from his position on the sofa, where they'd assisted him to after helping him off the floor – and where he'd remained for a while looking slightly dazed even after he'd finally stopped crying, whilst Starsky and Captain Dobey exchanged anxious glances – he'd withdrawn to his room for a while to lie down. True to his word and quite possibly against his better judgement Starsky had then taken advantage of the short lull to prepare a light lunch of bread, butter, cheese and cold meat cuts which he hoped his partner might be able to keep down. To both of their relief when Hutch had finally returned he had at first appeared to be looking and feeling a little better.

He'd made a valiant attempt to pick at the food on his plate but as Starsky had feared, and yet somehow still expected to happen, he had been unable to weather the appeals of his upset stomach, and he'd finally had to admit defeat. Starsky had put his friend to bed – he was only slightly paler than he had been before lunch but the curly haired brunette had passed the point of concern for his best friend and was now down-right scared. He was beginning to fear that there was more to the blonde's current ill health than just his psychological frame of mind, and that there may have been something seriously wrong with him that the doctor's might have missed. At the very least the bang on the head Hutch had received that afternoon, coupled with his upset stomach, gave him cause enough for concern that he may have sustained a concussion or some such similar brain injury, and so whilst he himself had stayed with his best friend to keep an eye on him and to make sure that he didn't fall asleep – plying him with just enough water to sooth his parched throat – he had given the number Doctor Maybrouk had given him earlier that same afternoon to Captain Dobey, and had instructed him to call the hospital. They could hear him shouting down the line at the poor unfortunate – presumably either a nurse or a secretary – who had had the misfortune to answer his call.

From his bellowed words they had been able to deduce that Doctor Maybrouk had himself been unable to attend, but when he had finally finished on the phone Captain Dobey had informed them that he had immediately pencilled in Hutch an appointment to see him in two days time, and that he was sending in his place a young intern who'd been on his way home from the hospital.

Although neither man remembered him it had apparently transpired that he had been one of the attending on the day of Starsky's shooting, and had been assigned to his case when he had been in intensive care.

The young man had quickly ascertained that the head injury Hutch had sustained hadn't been at all as serious as it had first appeared, but he'd prescribed him a painkiller for the headache, and had advised them both that he might feel a bit woozy for a few more days.

"He was very lucky this time." The young man had told them both as Starsky and Captain Dobey had shown him out of Hutch's apartment a few hours later. "It looks like he sustained no lasting damage and only a mild concussion. He should be feeling a little better by morning."

If it happened again however Starsky realised that they might not be so lucky.

He was aware that Hutch didn't think he knew – that he didn't yet realise that he could see past his own pain. He saw his best friend looking so lost and alone every day, the deep sadness in his eyes, the silent tears he knew he cried when he thought that no one was around to hear him, and it tore him apart inside to see him suffering so badly.

Starsky's arms were wide open – if only his friend could see – but he had observed the fear in Hutch's eyes, and he knew that he was still too scared to open up to him, and tell him exactly what it was that was making him so ill.

Starsky knew that Hutch was afraid, so afraid of losing him in fact that he failed to see that he too was afraid of losing his best friend! He was strong, and Hutch was not. He now felt strong enough to share his partner's emotional load, just as Hutch had done for him in the early days of his recovery. He was ready and waiting when Hutch felt ready to open up to him. All Starsky could do was to hope that that day would come sooner rather than later. He wasn't sure how much strength Hutch had left, and of just how much more he could take in his weakened state.

Starsky's thoughts began to wander.

'Don't be ashamed to tell us how you feel Hutch,' He thought sadly to himself, and hoped that by some form of miraculous intervention the man in the adjoining room could hear these unconscious words, 'we all share that same pain. Please don't bottle it up, nobody would judge you after all you've seen, after all we've been through. We've always come through together before – thee and me. Let me help you through, don't shut me out Hutch… whatever it is you're currently going through, we can get through this together… because I'm scared too. I'm scared of what this now means for the both of us, I'm scared of losing everything we once had… and I'm so scared of losing you.'

Starsky knew all about the nightmares, the terror which griped his friend as soon as daylight turned to night. He'd heard Hutch tossing and turning, crying out in his sleep… and he knew how it felt to relive that terrible, traumatic day every night in his dreams.

'I know you Hutch. I know how you think, what makes you tick… how you must be feeling… but believe me buddy, you're my best friend, closer to me than my own brother… and you're not weak. You're the strongest person I know – you've been carrying this burden for the both of us for far too long. Nothing you tell me could ever possibly convince me to turn my back on you, would ever make me love you less. Whatever happens I'm here for you buddy, for the long haul, forever means forever… I'm not going anywhere.

I'll always be here for you…'

He just wished that Hutch would express how he was feeling once in a while. If he was angry it wouldn't hurt him to show it – to scream… to cry… whatever it took. Anything was better than nothing, and anything at all would have been alright by Starsky. He just wanted Hutch to let him know how he was feeling. It wasn't healthy for him to keep everything bottled up inside, and it wasn't doing him any good. Starsky felt so helpless.

Hutch knew that he could always talk to Starsky about anything. But the curly haired brunette had enough foresight to realise that things weren't quite so simple when it was him Hutch was doing his best to protect.

'I get angry too Hutch,' he admitted to himself, although unfortunately Hutch wasn't around to hear his silent confession, 'I know you don't see it, but I too wonder why, sometimes… why us, Hutch? And I curse the day we ever crossed paths with Gunther! There's a burning rage inside of me, which makes me want to scream, and cry and shout out to the world, when I see what he's done to us – well, I guess I'm a lot like you.

When you're feeling lost… confused… and you don't know who to trust, which way to turn, which path to choose, let me come too. I'll stand by you!

I'm not going anywhere…

Trust me…

Remember, thee and me…'

"It'll be alright Hutch." Starsky whispered to himself as he heard his partner's groans finally begin to subside, and he himself drifted peacefully towards sleep, "Everything's going to be alright! Because if it isn't… well I don't know what I'm going to do…"