A/N: A fairly long chapter here, I got a little carried away. But I really enjoyed writing it, and I hope you enjoy reading it!
"What do you mean you 'lost Jim'?" McCoy yelled. Spock let out a very un-Vulcan sigh.
"I mean that -"
"Your one job was to watch him!"
"You also wanted me to supply him with food, in fact. That's two -"
"Oh, hell Spock! What're we gonna do now? He could be anywhere!"
"I had thought we'd come to an understanding. He ate, then claimed he would shower and return. When I eventually realized he was not coming back, I came here."
"What if someone sees him?" McCoy asked furiously. Spock kept his face expressionless,
"It is his ship," he said dryly, "it is not uncommon for a man to be present in his own -"
"Shit, Spock, we've gotta find him. He's not in his right mind! What if he meets someone?" McCoy's voice was a forced whisper.
"It's past eleven, corridors are emptier than earlier hours -"
McCoy grabbed his shirt and threw it over himself. Then, striding over to Spock, he clutched the Vulcan's arm and dragged him towards the door.
"Remind me not to let you babysit next time -"
"I was performing quite adeptly -" Spock started, but McCoy remained unconvinced.
"Sure, Spock, sure. Where in the hell will he be?"
"Well, perhaps he has taken to his usual haunts. It is not unnatural to revert to one's favourite pastimes in times of hardship -"
"You've come to me, but practically already have the solution? I could've stayed asleep!"
"I figured you would wish to be informed," Spock replied truthfully. The doctor sighed.
"You're not wrong, but you could have checked first," McCoy
"If I am correct, the Captain will be either in the gym or an observation deck."
"Yeah, you would know," McCoy muttered. Spock shrugged off his arm, moving to walk beside him.
"I am uncertain what you are implying by that, doctor."
McCoy rolled his eyes,
"For all your logic, you remain so clueless sometimes."
Pausing, they looked at each other.
"I'll get the gym," McCoy said eventually, "you can head to the top deck. He could be on any, but he likes the top one most. I think."
"Affirmative. I will go straight there."
"We need to hurry. If you find him, tell me and I'll head up."
"I will expect the same of you," Spock answered. McCoy nodded. With a brief goodbye, the pair separated, each moving down their own pathways, each hoping to find the end yielding results.
It was a fair way from McCoy's quarters to the top. Almost the entire height of the ship, in fact. Unless Spock took the time to invent fast-teleportation, or could defy most of the laws of science, it would take him triple the time to get there than McCoy to the gym. But, for some reason he could not digest, he felt a heaviness in his gut. He couldn't place it, nor figure out a potential cause. Even so, he sped into a run, cruising past the few crew members still about. Whatever it was, it was telling him something. He sprinted up the stairs, bypassing the lift in the knowledge he would be quicker without.
About five minutes later, heart pounding, the feeling had only worsened. His breath had risen beyond what it usually was, and he stopped for a minute. He had a horrible worry nagging at him, that this was some emotion he had not felt in a long time, nor in such strength. Grimacing internally, he took a second to calm his mind.
Logic must triumph above emotion. Logic is the more powerful tool. Do not let emotions rule.
Feeling the buzzing from his belt that signified an incoming message, he straightened. Flipping open his communicator, he caught McCoy's voice mid-tirade.
"- it's smashed to pieces. There are two dents in the wall too, he's off his head. He's probably hurt his hand. Hopefully just his hand, but if it's bad we could be facing a lot worse. I'm gonna skin him alive -"
"Skinning him would defeat the object of the task at hand -"
"Spock, now is -"
"- but I, too, have a desire to partake in this 'skinning', as you put it."
There was silence, only the crackles of the feedback laced through the air. Then McCoy let out a confused noise. At least, Spock presumed it was confused.
"Did you just - admit that you're annoyed at the Captain?"
Spock frowned. He could hear the smile in McCoy's voice, despite the pressing time.
"Why, of course not. Merely that his reckless actions are -"
"'Logic beats emotion'. Sure, Spock, yes, you definitely -"
"I am only exhibiting a quality of logical -"
"What will it take for you to just admit that you're worried about him?" McCoy said, the grin crawling across his face.
"Of course I'm worried, as my Captain he -"
"Yeah. You're a softie when it comes to him, you know that Spock?"
"I don't know what you mean. Besides, we have more urgent matters, doctor. You say he is injured?" Spock said, steering the focus.
"Changing the subject…" McCoy taunted, but only half-heartedly. He paused, and for a moment Spock wondered whether the connection had failed, despite the unlikeliness of that happening. Then he heard a quiet mutter,
"It's gonna be harsh on him, Spock. We can't just force him to forget -"
"I wasn't planning on it," Spock answered. The pit in his stomach grew, forcing his feet back into a run. "I'll do my best to handle it until you can get there. Spock out."
Glad for the lack of people around - though the night was young, the ship's inhabitants tended to retreat to their dormitories or smaller social spaces - Spock reached the archway which led to the deck. Kirk, according to McCoy, spent many an hour there after difficult missions. In fact, it was hard enough to keep him from it that McCoy often relented and let him go, as long as he didn't overexert himself. Spock would have thought it likely for Kirk to wish to do the same now, if he knew anything about the Captain, and as he entered the room, he was mildly challenged by the empty room.
Glancing about, he reached into his belt for his phaser. Unwarranted though the action was, he found a certain comfort in it. Stepping further into the room, his footsteps echoed on the metal floor. It bounced around the room in a disorientating manner, making Spock stop in his movement and still his feet. It was a good thing he did, for even he would not have been able to pick up the faint shuffle from the corner of the room over their sound.
"I presume you enjoyed your shower, Captain," Spock greeted, "as ineffective as it is to take a shower without any water. I find being in the presence of one can help."
"Spock," Kirk replied, a mild surprise laced through his voice. He hastened to cover it, "you seem to be developing a sense of humour."
"Unintentionally, perhaps," Spock said. He strode over to where the Captain stood. Kirk was still looking into the stars, light flickering past his face. When Spock reached his side, he looked away as the Vulcan took him in.
"I am relieved to find you less injured than you potentially could have been. Yet I have reason to think that you are hiding - ah."
Kirk raised his right hand, which was bloodied and bruised at the knuckles. Spock's brow furrowed at the damage, taking in the likely broken fingers, "I see."
"I may have punched a wall," he admitted quietly. Then he raised his other hand, also bruised, but not to such an extent, "or two.
"Captain, recklessness will get you nowhere -"
"I did not leave only for you to find me and continue the lecture. I do not want to -"
"You may not have, but clearly your brain cannot process the emotion there. Outbursts are not unknown to come from feelings of overwhelming loss, partnered with anger, the third stage of -"
"Nor did I come for a science lesson."
"Psychology, but I will humour your point," Spock said matter-of-factly. Kirk glared at him.
"I don't want to talk right now," he muttered.
"That would be illogical. The quicker the senses are relieved -"
"I am the Captain here!"
"And as your First Officer, my duty is your wellbeing and the wellbeing of the crew. The crew cannot capitalize on opportunity without a functioning -" Spock answered, finding himself being drowned out by Kirk. In turn he raised his own voice, and the conversation escalated into an argument.
"Oh, please Mr. Spock, that's not the reason you're so concerned and we both know it!" Kirk said eventually, after a few minutes more of this, cutting him off.
"Your rising voice is suggestive of your current inner predicament and an incoming brash reaction -"
"For once in your life, could you please -"
"- which will probably result in an outburst of potentially-"
"- Spock, I order you to -"
"- potentially violent but required energy that -"
The fist flew towards his face far sooner than he'd expected, but he was ready. Careful not to hurt the Captain's hand anymore than it already was, he grabbed the wrist in a precise motion, stepping to the side. He raised his eyebrows.
"Captain, I do believe -"
"Stop talking," Kirk replied through gritted teeth.
"I'm afraid if we want to find a peaceful solution to this situation then I -"
The Vulcan ducked, then twisted around to grab the other hand, which had aimed to jab him in the side. He held it tightly, but not painfully. "Jim," he continued, dropping the title, "you aren't thinking straight."
"Why did you stop me?"
The pained whisper so greatly contrasted to Kirk's previous shout that Spock stopped in his tracks.
"What?"
"I could have saved her," Kirk muttered, "I should have saved her. I let her die -"
"You can't blame yourself, Jim!" Spock answered earnestly. "You did all you could. You saved -"
"No, but I didn't! You shouted and I stopped!"
"I had to. Her life is not worth the billions -"
"It's worth more to me!"
"Listen to yourself. You need to accept that she's gone. She's not coming back," Spock said calmly.
"I know," Kirk said brokenly "that's the problem. I let her die!"
Spock let go of Kirk's hands, instead taking hold of his arms as he stumbled.
"You did not let her die. I did. I told you to. It is far more my responsibility than yours."
"No, but I -"
"You had nothing to do with it," Spock interrupted. A solid kick to his legs stopped him, and he tried to mask a wince. Kirk broke free, taking the opportunity, elbowing Spock in the ribs. The Captain spun around, barely wasting a second, then swung at him again. Spock dodged it, only just managing to move in time.
"But I listened," Kirk retaliated, "I stopped McCoy. He could have saved her!"
"I stopped you. I am the one who -" He sidestepped another punch.
"Why? Why did you? How could you -"
"You know why, Jim. You know why she had to die. If she did not, then we would not exist. The world would have changed dramatically, the galaxy even -" He leapt out of the way, as he saw an elbow flash close. The question, however, was not over who would triumph, as Spock was far superior in that area. While he had done his best to teach Kirk some defensive tactics, and the Captain had picked them up extraordinarily well, the Vulcan's blood gave him an advantage. No, the question was how Spock could diffuse the situation without seriously injuring Kirk.
"I would rather have let her live! You shouldn't have stopped me. I shouldn't have listened. How could I have -" Jim continued loudly. Spock carefully, ever so exact, managed to strike a blow he hoped would confuse, but not maim. Self-control was, of course, vital to his strategy, as always.
"You barely knew her, Jim. Think of everyone else. The lives of many far outweigh the few." But, for some reason, tonight he was struggling. The feeling in his stomach, the bubbling tension that had risen between his friend and himself; it was throwing him off. Even now, in the heat of the fight where he should have been at ease containing his thoughts, he battled with other instincts.
Kirk was smaller, but Spock had taught him how to use that to his advantage. He was better at ducking and weaving, and every time Spock reached out to grab him he dodged away. Spock was happy to bear a few punches, as he had a feeling that Kirk needed the release, but there was something gnawing at his insides, almost a worry. Worry that Kirk would injure himself further.
In a rapid motion, Spock reached towards Kirk's neck. If he could just -
Kirk grabbed the arm and twisted it. Spock bit his lip against the pain, countering him with a swipe at the chest. Too bad he had taught Kirk how to evade different species, Vulcan included.
"Why did you stop me? We could have brought her back!" Kirk said, panting. He leapt to the side as Spock made another grab. "Are you really so heartless?"
"You are not -"
"Myself? No, Mr. Spock, I am not myself because I just lost something," Kirk snapped. "For a few beautiful days I had a chance -"
"There was never a chance," Spock said, grimacing as he tried to keep himself in check. "She was a dead woman before we even got there."
Kirk let out a yell and rushed towards Spock. All form thrown out, he leapt onto the Vulcan, hands scrabbling for purchase.
"You don't know what it's like! You haven't felt this! You lecture me, but you, Spock, will never know what it's like! There is nothing left in that thing you must call a heart -"
"Captain, please," Spock said, wary of the pain that must have been shooting up Kirk's arms. "Jim! Stop, you're going to -"
"No! You stop! You stopped me from saving her! You killed her, Commander," Kirk answered, words cool and furious, slashing through the steadily balanced strain in the air. He raised his hand, and Spock, mind furiously calculating, came to the realization that he would just have to take this one, or risk harming Kirk.
But, with a cry of pain that definitely made Spock feel something in his gut, Kirk collapsed to the side. Sitting up, Spock leant over,
"Jim?" He asked, worry threaded through his voice. Kirk clutched his arm,
"It's - it's fine -"
"Fine would not be the word I would use right now," Spock said, clinging onto his shoulder. "In fact, it is the opposite."
Kirk's face contorted in pain.
"Damn wall," he muttered, eyes fluttering closed.
"Captain? Jim? Please, you've got to stay awake -" Spock pleaded, tone straying from his usual indifference.
"Oh, don't worry… I'll be fine in a -" He made an attempt to get up, using both arms to rise. But, trembling, they yielded under him, and he collapsed back to the floor. Spock grabbed him, supporting his head so he did not hit it on the steel.
Voice soft, Spock took a breath, hand still on the Captain's shaking shoulder.
"If I were to use a metaphor, I think the one I would choose now is 'this has gone to shit', as Dr. McCoy may put it," he said simply. Kirk, opening his eyes, stared at him. Then, as Spock made no move to withdraw his statement, a painful sounding chuckle forced its way through the Captain's mouth,
"You really are changing," he replied with a groan,
"The term I like to use is 'growing'."
"Yes, well -"
"Jim?" McCoy, nearly unable to draw breath from the rate he'd been running, entered the room, "Oh, goddamn, oh shit, Spock -"
"Don't worry yourself too much, Bones," Kirk said, once more shuffling around to sit up. Spock, using an element of judgement and, also, emotion, logical emotion though it was, held him back with a hand on his shoulder.
"How could you have in all honesty thought this a good idea, sir?" McCoy said, reaching the pair of them.
"To be completely honest, I'm not exactly in my right state of mind here," the Captain replied, leaning back.
"Oh, you think?" McCoy said exasperatedly, "you've led us on a wild chase, I'll give you that." He knelt down beside the two, "Spock, what happened?"
Spock looked down at the trembling man, whose head was still resting in his arms.
"The Captain attacked me -"
"Attacked you? Jim, what the -"
"- which is perfectly normal in those who experience loss. Even with the mildest temper, it is easy to lose oneself in the anger of the time. Our Captain here, with no real enemy to blame, has probably been experiencing feelings of blame for himself, Keeler, and us."
"I'm meant to be the expert here, not you," McCoy said, looking at Kirk's hands.
"I apologize that I am more skilled in the inflictions of grief and it's symptoms," Spock answered grimly, struggling to wrangle the emotional mask back into place. It was easy enough to keep on, but once it was off -
"Just be thankful you didn't break a wrist, Jim. Could've been a lot worse."
Kirk tried to get up again and, this time, McCoy gave a nod, and they both helped him to lean up. He groaned.
"It's my own fault, don't worry -"
"They should heal fairly quickly, as long as we get down to the sickbay within a few hours. But…"
"But what, doctor?" Kirk said, when McCoy didn't continue, eyes flickering nervously to the physician.
"Oh, well we might have to reset the bone, depending on how badly you've injured it."
"Great," Kirk said.
The three of them, two able-bodied and one slightly incapacitated for the time being, got to their feet, the former lifting the latter and supporting him so he did not sway.
"Right. Sickbay then, Captain, if it suits you?"
"Or if it doesn't," Spock added ominously. Kirk smiled, though it was clear he was beginning to feel the strain of his injuries.
"Suits me fine, Bones. Thank you. Besides, I dare not disobey Mr. Spock here."
"I'm afraid, Captain, that you do happen to be in command of the -"
"And… there he goes," Kirk said humorously, "did you know, Bones, that for a minute there he was actually using metaphors?"
"I am not sure what you suggest by -"
"I noticed. Did the same for me, I was very impressed. Spock, we're contaminating you. Better watch out."
The humour, though it was pressured, lightened the mood considerably. Kirk, struggling to stand through the pain, was leaning heavily on the others by the time they reached the door.
"I'm sorry for punching you, Spock," he said suddenly, looking at the Vulcan, "and about what I said. It was unwarranted."
"No, you were justified on some points, Captain. And I will not begrudge you a few punches."
"It was wrong of -"
"Bones, hey! Oh, and the… Captain? Spock? What are you all doing up here so late?"
Uhura, carrying a PADD along with her, tried to walk into the room, just as they were leaving. Kirk tried to straighten to a more dignified position, making it slightly less obvious that he was leaning heavily on his friends.
"Evening, Lieutenant. Me and my companions were just discussing…" Kirk stopped, words vanishing, "Uh… I was talking to… Mr. Spock about…"
"About his childhood," McCoy supplied, smiling pleasantly.
"Yes about my - no, wait, my childhood?"
"Affirmative, the Captain was detailing his… mishaps as a child," Spock continued, drowning out Kirk.
"Wait a second -"
"Yes, the car he… drove into a… a phonebox?"
The end of McCoy's sentence sounded too much like a question to be taken seriously. Uhura, being one of the more perceptive members of the crew, narrowed her eyes. So, sighing, Kirk picked up the thread.
"Yes, a phonebox."
"The phonebox he drove into as a child," Spock finished, raising his eyebrows (an action slowly evolving to become his version of a smile), "it was an interesting -"
"Oh, Captain, your hands!" Uhura cried, finally spotting them. Kirk tried to shove them away from sight, letting go of McCoy and Spock. But he felt his legs wobble, and if it weren't for Spock's strong grip on his arm he would have fallen. Uhura looked at him worriedly, "What happened?"
The Captain opened his mouth, but once more felt at loss for any words. The three of them looked at each other, and when the silence grew suspiciously long decided to offer their own input.
"- I tripped down the stairs -" Kirk said, just as Spock spoke.
"- sparring accident -"
"- injury on the…" McCoy began, but stopped.
They stopped. Uhura raised her eyebrows and nodded.
"Uh huh," she said slowly, "a lot of things to happen in one night. Sir," She hastened to add, as she realized she was talking to a superior. It was easy to forget sometimes, what with the crew growing closer recently.
"Quite the contrary," Spock supplied, as deadpan as ever, "Kirk and I were training, and he mentioned he was still feeling pain from the head injury he obtained earlier, and when we moved to return to his quarters, he collapsed and fell down the stairs."
The lie was spun so elaborately and so fluently from the usually brutally honest, straightforward Vulcan that Kirk and McCoy both turned to him. Surprise flitted across their faces for a split second, and McCoy's forehead furrowed as if he was struggling to process what he'd heard. "And yourself?"
"Oh, I wanted to finish my reports up here before I retire for the night."
They conversed easily for a minute, but Spock was aware of Kirk slipping down slowly, leaning slightly more on him. He didn't want the Captain to have to wait while he, McCoy and Uhura made conversation, so eventually they made a hurried goodbye and exit, or as hurried as it could be with Kirk still shaking. Spock was feeling a growing concern for Kirk's trembling, not knowing whether it stemmed from pain or overexertion.
"Still with us, Jim?" McCoy, having the same train of thought, took a more careful hold of him, "not far left."
"Next time I get mad," Kirk said breathlessly, sending a wave of concern through Spock, "please don't let me leave the sickbay."
McCoy laughed,
"Trust me, there's no way I'm ever gonna leave Spock to look after you again."
A/N: Feel free to leave a review if you enjoyed! Thank you to the lovely guest who left one on the last chapter!