"LANCEL!"

He came running as if the Stranger were behind him. "You-r Gr-ace." He stammered, tripping over his tongue.

"Do you know what's wrong here?"

Lancel froze and gulped. Shit, does he know? His grip tightened around the casket of wine; fine arbor wine. It was King Roberts favorite. He went through a dozen caskets a day. On hunts, it was two dozen. They had been separated from the rest of the party as they chased a deer released, per his commands. King Robert loved the hunt and the kill. Above him, a man lay perched like some squirrel in the tree above them with a foaming badger that had not eaten in days. "Why?" He had asked, and she answered with a snarl. "It shall feast on him. Poor Robert, I almost pity him." The man was dressed in a dark green cloak blending in to his environment. Had his grace seen them? It was one of many plans by his cousin, the beautiful queen, to rid herself of this brutish king. Just one scratch from the beast and King Robert would fall into a fever and perish. The maesters said a scratch from a rabid beast was a frightening end filled with much suffering.

Just an unhappy accident. No one would blame him and Prince Joffrey would become king. Something that would please his uncle and father. A Lannister Dynasty that shall last for a thousand years. And she'll let me have her.

"Whats wrong?" he asked.

King Robert roared with laughter. "Just shitting with you!" A laughing storm that made even a lion pause. "Gods, you're slow. A stupid Lannister."

Lancel seethed. "Soon you'll mock no more." He mumbled.

"Did you say something lad?" The king turned, his hunting spear in hand. Six foot five of fat and muscle glaring at him.

"I think I saw something over there by the tree!" Lancel said.

The fat stag king gazed at him and shrugged. "What a squirrel?" He laughed. "Fine, let's see what fierce beast you've spotted." He moved right under the marker, a simple stone. They had tested it before on several fools. Every time landing its mark. The men killed quickly after and disposed in Flea Bottom. Lancel raised his hand through his blond curls and nodded his head. The man above them nodded aswell and King Robert bent looking into the bushes. "I see nothing, boy!" The badger dropped and Lancel smiled.

Fetch your own wine in the Seven Hells.

That smiled crumbled to ash as the badgers claws had caught hold over a branch, and it refused to release its hold. No, no, that can't be. Fall! Fall! "LANCEL! GET OVER THERE! I WANT YOU TO SHOW ME WHAT YOU SAW!" His grace said, stepping back with a gruff command.

Lancel whitened like a ghost. He couldn't deny him. But the badger… one bite. It made him shiver. "LANCEL!" The badger was still struggling fiercely, and he swallowed. It would not fall. Surely it would have already done so?

"Huh?" He said. "I was wrong, my king." Lancel only moved a step closer, eying the badger with the corner of his eye.

"Show me. Stand here."

Lancel did as bid looking into the shrubs. "I apologize I'm- " It hit him with great force, sending the air out of his chest. Lancel pissed himself the moment he saw it. Its golden eyes raving mad. It lunged with its claws and teeth.

He screamed, a high girlish sound as blood flowed. It attacked him as fierce as any beast in the woods.

"AH YOU FOUND IT!" King Robert said happily.

It scratched me… It scratched me.

Lancel tossed it away, crawling away, kicking frantically as it lunged again and again like the warrior reborn.

He was an incoherent mess as King Robert speared it through with one sure thrust. "Good eye Lannister, maybe you aren't so useless after all."

Tears were flowing down his eyes. May the Mother have mercy on me. His end was going to be terrible and long. "I'm going to die!" He moaned, shivering.

"From what a scratch?"

"It was rabid." Lancel said, hand shaking.

King Robert looked at him and the badger, and lifted it up and gazed at it. "Nah, it's not. Thin, though. Strange, it should be well fed. Fierce thing, though. Reminds me of Stannis." Shrugging as his tears ceased. Lancel looked up.

"What-"

"Up, you tittering fool!" King Robert commanded as he waved the Kingsguard over to them. "BARRY OLD BOY LOOK AT THIS FIND!" The rest of the party joined them. Prince Renly, Lord Stannis, Lord Dondarrion, and all the squires and knights. Lord Stannis was grinding his teeth like normal, and Prince Renly had his eyes on the Knight of Flowers. Ser Barristan lifted his visor, his cape flapping in the wind, and chuckled. "Tis nice, your grace."

"Reminds me of you Stannis"

"Nonsense." Prince Renly said. "It looks too happy."

Lancel dazed, and in disbelief that he would not die. What would his cousin say when he reported this misstep? She had been so confident that this would be the plan that would finally get rid of King Robert. How could she have thought the beast was rabid? She promised him up and down that it was. And why didn't they just release the thing from the bushes? Why from the treetop? He had tried voicing these worries, but every time he did, her face froze and gazed at him like he was a stupid boy instead of a lion and that's how he wished to be seen from her. How he wanted her. All she would give him were some light kisses. Any time he asked for more, she promised the same thing that had him longing for her to be his. A queen conquered by a lion.

She'll give you everything once Robert dies.

But it wouldn't be today.

King Robert was alive and well, japing with his brothers, admiring the dead beast. Lancel sighed. Every plan always seemed to fail, as if the Gods themselves were acting against them. Maybe he was truly unkillable? He had lost track of how many plots they had involved him in. All of them usually ended with him hurt while the king laughed. Was it worth it? He wondered. And he remembered how her lips tasted against his own, as sweet as summerwine. Lancel was a Lannister, and like Lann the Clever, nothing couldn't be accomplished with some wit and planning. Robert would die, he swore. One day, his good luck would end. He straightened, feeling pride any Lannister knew.

Hear me Roar!

Then he tossed it towards him and Lancel screamed, running away from the little monster with the king laughing about pissy Lannisters.

Authors Note

I've always believed that there was no way Cersei didn't try to kill Robert at least a dozen times over, but after reading Feast of Crows I realized that every attempt was probably comedy gold with incompetence and I wanted to take a crack at telling some hairbrained schemes from our favorite narcistic Lannister. While the best drunken king since Aegon IV carries on in a drunken haze totally unaware.