Ned,

My old friend, how I miss that dour face of yours. I find this crown a tedious thing and I reminisce about our days in the Vale. What days they were! Gods, I think about them often as the only time in my life I was truly happy save the moment I was betrothed to Lyanna. When did I get so damn old? (You were always old Ned) I know we won, but damn it! I lost somehow Ned, somehow I lost it all. You understand, my friend, how I wish you were by my side like the brothers we are. Maybe you could help me? Probably not, if Jon Arryn couldn't, not even you Ned could save me from myself. I feel the Stranger around me. Tis strange, but I think this city is unlucky. Everyone around me seems to suffer misfortune. Just a night ago, a snake bit the useless halfwit Lancel Lannister(Poor boy thought it poisonous. It was only a garden snake.) Why do you think this is? This is a rare moment I find myself sober, and I wonder about a great deal of things. The past. The future. Our faiths.

Did you know last night I had the strangest dream? I dreamed of Tyrion Lannister; the Imp saying that a crippled should be king because it was a good story! How stupid right? Who would follow a crippled? He didn't even show any emotion. It was unsettling. The boy looked like some villain. I also dreamed that the bastard of yours was really Rhaegars! Ha! What strange dreams I have! Not like you would harbor that rapist's spawn after what he did to our Lyanna. Bessie was the boys mother, god what tits she had. (As you no doubt know!) I wonder if the honorable Lord of Winterfell dreams of them! Don't worry, I won't tell Cat!

Please write when you can. It's one of the few things that brings me any happiness.

Your fat, drunkard king, and friend

Robert

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BROTHELS ARE CLOSED!"

The small toad of a man quivered before him, disappearing into his robes. "You d-i-d." He extended the parchment that he snatched away with a fury scanning over the words.

By decree of the Kings Small Council herebye temporarily suspend usage of the brothels until further notice.

Robert ripped it in half and crumbled in with his fist. "THOSE FUCKERS! GOD DAMN YOU STANNIS! I'M NEVER LEAVING YOU IN CHARGE AGAIN!" Men of the Kingsguard followed behind him as he stormed back to the Red Keep with haste. Unfortunately, the party in their mad dash to the Red Keep destroyed a cabbage peddlers cart, sending the crop across the filthy street. Cabbages rolled. Urchins dove for the vegetables. The man shouted out. "My cabbages!" And fell to his knees in grief. Never since Rhaegar stole his beloved Lyanna had he been so furious. For weeks he had been on a Royal progress across the Crownlands, dinning and hunting at every holdfast from Duskendale to Rosby with that damn woman and her wheel house. And he comes back to this treason! What next, he'll ban eating and shitting next. He marched up the steps of the tower and slammed open the door, greeted by an empty room."Huh?" He rubbed his chin. "This isn't the Small Council chambers? WHERE THE FUCK IS IT!" He cried out.

Now that he was thinking about it, he didn't exactly know where that was. All the towers sort of looked the same.

"Do you need directions to the Small Council chambers, your grace?" Ser Barristan asked.

He grumbled a response as Barristan led them to the actual Small Council chambers. So this is where this is? "This way my king." Barristan said, pointing towards the door.

Robert adjusted the crown on his head and threw the door open. "STANNIS!" He used the voice from the Trident and narrowed his eyes. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Before him sat his grumpkin of a brother as bitter and miserable creature as any the Gods could have cursed him with. Tall and balding, grinding his teeth at his entrance. Like always! Next to him, Jon was rubbing his temples, wishing to be anywhere else. The new Master of Coin, Bandear of one of the Fingers smile was thin and amused. Renly was laughing his arse off. A foul smell hit his nostrils. Pycelle had pissed himself at his entrance. Varys giggled at the chaos.

"I think you owe me money, Baelish."

"Indeed, Prince Renly."

Robert ignored them. "WELL? I'M WAITING!" Crossing his arms with a huff and tapping his boot like a parent with a misbehaved child.

A tall ugly child.

Jon Arryn tried to calm him. "Robert," He said. "This is all just a misunderstanding. I've spoken with Lord Stannis since he meant well. There has been a rise in unrest around the district and such measures have quieted-"

"I did as bid Robert. You commanded me to uphold your law while you were gone."

"SO YOU BANNED THE BROTHELS CAUSE OF SOME FIGHTS!" He roared with laughter, shaking his head. "What did I do to deserve such a fool for a brother?"

Stannis stiffened. "I did my duty and you shame me."

"I warned you, brother." Renly smiled.

"SHUT UP RENLY!" He jabbed a finger towards Stannis. "Listen, here you grumpy bastard." They were both like two stags, about to charge at the other for pride. "You messed up, apologize to me and by the blood we share I'll forgive you." And he would forgive him after he admitted he did wrong.

His brother somehow grinded his teeth harder and after a long moment said. "Is that a command, your grace?"

Jon tried to say something, but he didn't hear him. His vision darkened as his temper boiled at his words. "YOU! YOU! A COMMAND IS IT? AFTER ALL THE HONORS IV'E BESTOWED ON YOU! DRAGONSTONE! MASTER OF SHIPS! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I KILL YOU! GET OUT BEFORE I MAKE MYSELF A KINSLAYER!"

His brother didn't even blink. "As you wish, brother." And gave a dutiful nod that had him seething. He took Renlys goblet of wine and chugged its sweet contents down his throat before throwing the goblet above Stannis head as he departed the chambers. No one dared look at him save Jon and it was a look of disappointment he knew too well. It's not my fault! If Stannis was just normal, all would be fine. Finally, it gnawed on him. It wasn't kingly or brotherly. But he was still too angry to even admit any wrong done.

"That was ill done." Jon said.

No one else dared to speak.

He poured himself a drink and then another when he glanced at Pycelle. The tittering old fool shivered and pissed some more. "Write up a new edict repealing this nonsense." He grumbled out a command and the Grand Maester bobbed his pale head. "And then clean yourself up." Robert twisted away and sat on the chair reserved for the king with a lazy movement. He placed his boots on the table. "Fuck, since I'm here, tell me of the dragonspawn Varys."

"Robert, they are only children." Jons voice was soft.

"DRAGONSPAWN IS WHAT THEY ARE JON!" He slammed his fist against the table, and he felt it shudder beneath the blow. I'm still strong.

Varys nodded. "My little birds say they are currently in Bravos."

"Good kill them and my Lyanna shall be avenged."

A chair slid backward as Jon looked aghast. "THEY ARE CHILDREN ROBERT! I WILL NOT BE PART OF THIS!" The blasted Arryn honor that rankled him. I'm no hero king anymore, Jon.

He realized what he meant, and his skin turned a shade of purple. "YOU ARE MY HAND! YOU WILL DO AS BID!"

Jon shook his head and held it up and high. "Nay Robert." He said, taking off the pin of the Hand. "This is a dishonor that shall stain your dynasty. The murder of children is a terrible thing and the boy I knew would have understood that. A boy that understood loyalty and a fair fight." The clanging sound vibrated across the table as his heart stilled. Please don't leave me, Jon. He wanted to say, but he merely made a fist, trying to control the anger that overwhelmed him.

"Lord Arryn, you've grown old and senile. Look at what you've done. You've weakened my brothers reign with your counsel. Marriage to the Lannisters. Sparing the dragons. They are threats to my brothers reign and deserve to die." Renly chuckled. "Just be quick and be done with it."

Jon flinched at the allegation. "If this is what you think, my lords, I shall leave for the Eyrie." His head hung in shame and grief. Do you grieve for me? How do you still love the man I've become?

Robert's temper flared. How dare Renly say that to Jon? The man whom raised him and tried to make him a good man. It was not his fault he wasn't good enough. That he wasn't Ned and couldn't be this noble king that cared. The man tried, and he raised his banners to defend him and Ned. Elbert and Denys died to put him on the Iron Throne and he dares mock his service and honor! The falcon had served him, had bled for him long before Renly understood where to stick it.

The voice that came out was a whisper. "No, Jon is right. Don't do it Varys." Only for the love of this man would those dragonspawn live. May they thank the Gods that Jon was a good man and cared for even the lives of the dragon.

"Robert…" Renly said in disbelief.

Pycelle's quill stopped moving. "I've finished the edict, your grace as for-"

Robert didn't care. "OUT ALL OF YOU! EVERY ONE OF YOU GET OUT! OUT! OUT! YOUR KING SPEAKS!" Jon's smile was small and sad, but he bowed. The eunuch had a skip in his step as he left. His brother tried to speak, but a single wave had him running. He rubbed his temples gingerly before taking off the golden crown and tossed it to the ground. Worthless. Ned should have worn that crown. How did he let them convince him to become king? Everything in the past blurred together. The trident. The bells. The coronation. Lyannas bones. Rhaegar corpse. Bessie and all of her glory. Where did that warrior go?

For a long moment, he deluded himself into thinking that he would forego his crown and form a sell sword company. Imagining Joffrey on the Iron Throne sent a shiver through his spine. The boy wasn't right, but he didn't have the heart to straighten him out. The headaches his wife would give always squashed that idea. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place., In the corner of the eye, he saw the finished edict Pycelle left in his haste and smiled.

At least I have that.

Groans. Moans. Giggles. Laughter. These things made him forget about the damn crown on his head. It made him forget the Lannister in his bed. Made him forget about what the dragons stole from him his precious winter rose. Three whores curled into him of different shades and sizes, drowning himself in soothing pleasure as the bed rocked. Until the bliss ended when his pathetic excuse of a squire entered and he darkened. For the boys sake, it better be a damn rebellion. " A missive from Winterfell, your grace." He bowed.

"NED!" Robert laughed. "Give it here." His letters always improved his mood. Barra from the Summer Islands asked. "Whats a NED?"

"YOU DUMB WOMAN! NED IS THE GREATEST MAN IN ALL OF THE REALM!"

"Will you read us the letter then?" The chestnut-haired woman asked, pouting her lips. None of the woman were blonds, he had soured himself on them. He nodded, and they all curled into him as he read.

Robert,

I received the letter in the Godswood. My boys have gotten into much mischief, I fear. Though they are loyal brothers, Robb and Jon neither would give the other up. Reminds me of an adventure of ours against the Mountain Clans. Two boys thinking they were going to save the Vale of the Arryn. How furious Jon was at the two of us, and you said. "It's my fault Jon, don't punish Ned for my folly!" and I said. "Blame me Lord Arryn! Not Robert." Jon gave a true smile. Ask him about that story, mayhaps it'll provide you with some happiness. The air is cool, but I know Winter is Coming Robert. It pains me you are unwell, old friend, but my place is here in Winterfell. When you have need of the banners of the North, my sword is yours always.(Don't cause a Rebellion, just to see me south of the Neck.)

As for such strange dreams, I'll remind you of the one you had of me dying before the Sept of Baelor as if I'll ever die in the South.

Cat sends her love, and I extend my friendship to my true friend and king.

Ned,

"What a loyal friend." The big woman giggled, and the one with freckles nodded her head. However, the slow foreign girl cringed. "He writes of a Cat?"

"CATS HIS WIFE!" Robert laughed. I'll have to tell Ned about that one.

The whores giggled, and Robert placed the letter down and continued to drown himself once more.

Hopefully to an early grave.

Authors Notes: Next up Ned thinks war was easier than children, and after that Lancel is going on a grand hunt!

AVLO4: Glad you enjoy it. I'm certainly aiming for humor.

Guest: I think you hit the hammer right on the nail of things, but I'd say Arys was skilled enough to be on a Kingsuard, but only one with powerhouses. Arys was good, but he wouldn't carry the team. He's like Darry or Lewyn Martell. Mandon Moore is also pretty skilled purely cause of his eyes never giving anything away. In my rankings of Roberts KG in skill it goes. Jamie, Barry the Bold(When he was younger Barry would have won), Mandon Moore, Arys, Preston, Boros. As for Jamie, thats pretty perfect. Jamies biggest issue as he became a KG so young, and his king was Aerys otherwise I don't think he turned out as cynical as he became.