#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is
thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit
the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.

#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud
sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust
equals constant velocity.

#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a
mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armored Mecha are the fastest objects
known to human science.

#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero
whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and
lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of
two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out
affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human
existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. NOTE: Sometimes, Anime
heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg
and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in “Hammerspace", or something.

#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die...
regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they
don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are
depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color
(usually red or white).

#10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a
"Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3
different angles.

#11- Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to
human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities,
sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

#12- Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

#13- Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly
referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because
of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the
Law of Inherent Combustibility.

#14- Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any
object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also
known as the A-Ko phenomenon.

#15- Law of Inexhaustibility- No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of
course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

#16- Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form
of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the
"Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot
decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a
drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and
several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle
of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will
hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds,
the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a
single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is
in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm,
which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving,
firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex
martial arts maneuvers.
Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he
will hit.

#18- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood,
sometimes more, under high pressure.

#19- Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at
least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not
unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. Also, acid has been known to work
just as well...

#20- Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and
large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped
and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a
song.
First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes
up against an entire army, the army always loses.

#21- Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t...

#22 -Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little
things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

#23- Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost
twice as annoying.

#24- Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles,
either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy".
First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb
Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line
Effect)
Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American
translators are the American editors and censors.
Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome
"Good Guys".

#25- Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly
proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

#26- Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female.
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation.
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

#27- Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of
destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and
used as a last resort.

#28- Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate
a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

#29- Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of
martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing
aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is
attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

#30- Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are
hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

#31- Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is
considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or
explanation.

#32- Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and
can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical
abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s
hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

#34- Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable
guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of
whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive
amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off
somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes,
then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the
Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably
wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)- All anime characters are resistant to
extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)- Bikinis render the wearer
invulnerable to any form of damage.
Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence)- The clothing on the hero is
indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows,
or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice
attack... Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of
Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 & 48)

#35- Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing,
playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple"
things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so
on... especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.

#36- Law of Quintupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good
Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic
positions, which are:
1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation

#37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an
extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from
which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious
dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".
First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule)- The most common item stored is a
heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

#38- Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is
because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released
at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in
the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are
actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is
because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the
back of the head. When extremely stressed , embarrassed, or worried, this sweat
gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

#39- Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely
proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the
less you get and vice-versa.
First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real
world...

#40- Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get
erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though... the current
theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see
Law #38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush
along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

#41- Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal
swords, if not sharper.

#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it
done in half the time and twice the angst.

#43- Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia- There is no Law #43.

#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a
martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).

#45- Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the
transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to
interrupt it.

#46- Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy
mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some
unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or
spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind
the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.

#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or
burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later,
your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame,
wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s)
to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and
letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in
part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.

#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will
get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform
magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as
the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will
help him to cope in today’s society. (Sniff Sniff

#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are
under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY
small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter).
Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.

#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws
44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and
the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack
are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave
Phenomenon")

52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters
(usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or
perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons
for this are:
1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn.
The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
3) They just don’t give a damn.

#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.

#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald,
wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid,
etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying
pan or something.

#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and
withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power
weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.

#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons
will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome
which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use
it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military
device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken.
The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just
"fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.

#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of
the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.

#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance,
resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me
look.
A negative charge will result in the
hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.

#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition
available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate
when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7
for speaker pods)

#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s
attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them.
(Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing
girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot
couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)

#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an
awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract,
except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single
drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.

#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years
is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.

#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the
few... of even the one.

#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be
funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall
to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall.
(The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)

#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the
male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually
helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can
sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the
guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)

#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater
than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse
coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least
500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to
normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also
inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all
actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot
from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb.
of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a
mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing
this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.

#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the
Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be
increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does
not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads
to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by
an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.

#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the
control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through
means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which
clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant
Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at
will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and
lethality of the maneuver.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or
disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not
always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where
the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of
Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any
situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding
increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually
come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in
Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a
survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly
and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often
referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain
activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in
slow motion.

#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male
character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at
another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an
interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of
Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and
65)

#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head
shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the
wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages
will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.

#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to
a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking
sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the
edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly
past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.

#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When
faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime
characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and
exposition),
Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a
position to ravish beautiful girls, or
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.

#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can
summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.

#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a
secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around
him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?

#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick
strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the
elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)

#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST
capable of dealing with it.

#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial
arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with
your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just
doesn’t work in real life...

#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is
male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a
shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain
is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole
(horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.

#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if
you’re normally a klutz.

#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become
possible.
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the
hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he
is wrong and will invariably be toastied.

#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed
by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could
accomplish... but his old teacher did!

#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire
straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see
Laws #67, 69, and 84)

#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in
beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won
against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they
tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack.
Usually this results in:
a) The hero escaping.
Clean-up for the underlings.
c) The villain getting toastied.

#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.

#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance

while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them
introducing themselves.

#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at
least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a
Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the
male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following
him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by
a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal,
real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal
that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.

#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability
that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like
bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though
they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the
Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.

#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other,
sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage
begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it
from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko
Thing")

#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that
enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being
immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)

#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or
spaceborne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4) Extreme cuteness
5) Irresponsible drunkenness
6) Homophobicness
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)

#99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest
appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said
character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love.
No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At
least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...

#99.5 The Sparklies can also be just because the character is semi comic relief EX 1:(The male side of the Armstrong family has perfected this technique, and it has been passed down the Armstrong family line for generations!)

#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.

I own none of the referenced things which are The Hobbit, Five Nights at freddy’s, Sonic the hedgehog, Marble hornets, or anything else except my OC’s feel free to use them just give me credit for them. Thnx, Sora Ookami.

Name: Sora Ookami

Gender: male

Age: 19

O.C.C: Master of weapons/Pizzeria owner

Species: Dire Wolf Hanyou

Hair color/fur color: Blood red with black streaks in hair and blood red with black tips on tail

Eye color: Right eye Black sclera with red pupil and iris and dripping blood, left eye neon green sclera with emerald green pupil and iris.

Height: 6’11”

Weight: 160 lbs

Personality: A rough around the edges person that hides his kind and caring personality behind a mask of anger. But do not harm his friends unless you wish to die a most horrible, painful death

Likes: his friends, Sushi, and practice.

Dislikes: people who harm his friends or family.

Bio: His family was killed in front of him by two monsters with strange abilities and appearances. One had no face and called it self the Operator (based off of Marble Hornets). The other was a Giant spider that Sora called Attercop. At a young age he vowed to kill those monstrous beings as to let his family rest in peace. He has made several friends over the years and they have always stood by him. He Currently has a Job at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza. He is also Dating Mimi

Favorite food(s): Sushi, Oranges, Steamed dumplings.
Hobbies: Guitar, drums, Keyboard, singing, swordplay

ALLIES: The nightmares, the toys [puppet/Toy bonnie/toy freddy/toy chica/Toy foxy}, The classics [Fredbear and spring bonnie, The original four, The phantoms, his best friends Mimi [a nine tailed kitsune] and Maxwell [a human}.

Enemies. Purple Guy/springtrap, The operator, and Attercop

Titles/nicknames (Name giver): Interesting (Attercop/operator), Wrath incarnate (Purple guy/springtrap), Fluffy (Mimi), Doombringer (Attercop), and Hurricane of hatred (Attercop/operator/purple guy/springtrap)

Natural defenses: Cannot be poisoned by anything celestial or mortal made, immune to fire, Immune to electricity,Cannot be affected by allure. Illusions have no effect on him.

Powers, Chaos control, chaos blast, Fire blast, shadow walk, shadow mimicry, Thunderblast, plasma laser (mixing fire and electricity) Shadowfire (Darkness/fire) Black thunderblast (electricity and darkness) Super form[positive emotions] (flight Invincibility, can revive people who have died in the last 2 days) Dark form[antithesis/negative emotions of super form] (Lightspeed running, Super strength)Able to pull any weapon out of thin air and use it to its full potential instantly, power over fire, electricity, darkness, and a wild energy that he calls chaos energy. solid clones, Shapeshifting(features only, cannot change height or weight), Ventriloquism/disguising voice, Able to use a mecha armor called roadbuster, which is loaded with weapons and has the ability to transform into an armored 4x4 alt mode and use his abilities.

Weaknesses: Super form for limited amount of time(23 hours) Dark form driven by anger and prone to berserker tendencies. Extra dimensional poisons work on him.

Extra notes: hanyou muscular structure acts like springy extremely elastic cable (with twenty times the strength of spider silk if spider silk was that large) giving them abnormal strength and durability, Bones are as hard as diamond as only a diamond can cut another diamond safely

Name:Mimi Foxx

Gender: Female

Age: 19

O.C.C: Heavy hitter/Unstoppable force

Species: Kitsune

Height: variable between forms

Weight: Don’t ask...

Eye color: red or green

Hair color: blood red

Likes: Sora, Burning the minions of the two idjits(she’s a fan of supernatural).

Dislikes: the two monsters that ruined Sora’s life A.K.A the Idjits

Powers: Shapeshifting, fire of any kind. Extreme strength (can obliterate a planet with a single flick, but she subconsciously limits her strength so she doesn't kill herself or others

Allies: Same as Sora except it has Sora in place of her name in that list

Enemies: The Two Idjits [The operator and Attercop] the Pseudo-Idjit [purple guy/springtrap]

Nicknames/titles (name giver): The Monster in the Dark (Purple guy/springtrap), Shift (Sora)

Name. Maxwell Smith

Gender:male

Age: 19

O.C.C: Sharpshooter/Night guard.

Species:human

Hair color: Brown with black streaks.

Eye color: Green

Height: 5’10

Weight:160 lbs

Powers/abilities: Expert marksman with any ranged weapon, good reflexes (Took acrobatics classes), able to see things in slow motion ( why he took acrobatics to be able to react to what his eyes could see). Can control time to warp short distances.

Likes, Pizza, his friends, paintball.

Dislikes, Seeing his friends hurt or upset, being late.

Allies : same as Before but replacing his name with Sora’s

Enemies: same as Sora’s enemies

Nicknames (name giver): Max (Sora), Sharpshot (Mimi)

Things I am not to do at hogwarts

1. There is not a school band and I am not apart of it.

2. I am not allowed to bring my cell phone to school and randomly begin to search for a signal.

3. It is not appropriate to bring a paper fortune teller to Divination.

4. I do not live in a musical, therefore I am not allowed to break out in song in the middle of class.

5. No part of the school uniform is edible.

6. I will not steal the kitten plates from Professor Umbrige’s office.

7. I am to stop using first years for my psychology experiments.

8. I will not accuse Fluffy of having eaten my homework.

9. I will not post pictures of the Troll face in the dungeon and claim that there are trolls in the dungeons.

10. I will not attempt to exorcise Professor Binns.

11. I will not sing “Defying Gravity” during Quidditch practice.

12. Looking after a virtual pet is not a way to gain extra marks in Care of Magical Creatures.

13. I will not insist that David Tennant is Barty Crouch Jr.

14. I am not allowed to arrange flash dances to randomly occur throughout the school day.

15. I am not allowed to speak only using finger puppets.

16. I will not start a chain Howler.

17. I will not tell first years that their wardrobes are portals to Narnia.

18. I should not refer to DADA teachers as “canaries in the coal mines”.

19. I will never ask Harry Potter if his scar senses are tingling.

20. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.

21. I am not allowed to predict the end of the world more than once.

22. I will not yell, “Someone get Beowulf, Grendel’s broken in!” when I see Umbridge.

24. I am not allowed to bring my laptop to Hogwarts to use to write all of my essays. Hogwarts doesn’t have any printers so it is therefore not an acceptable excuse for not having my homework done.

25. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

27. “OMGWTF” is not a spell.

28. I will not ask Voldemort where his nose went.

29. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

30. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

31. I will not tell first years that Fang is a hellhound.

32. The house elves are not there to do my homework.

33. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

34. When caught sleeping in class, I’m not allowed to claim that the Negaverse stole all of my energy and the Sailor Scouts have yet to get it back.

35. I will not tell Professor Trelawny that my teacup says she’s lying.

36. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.

37. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquinsition.

38. There is no interpretive dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year.

39. Dumbledore is not Gandalf in disguise.

40. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

41. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as “Charlotte”.

42. “42” is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s or N.E.W.T.s.

43. I will not hand a red shirt to the new DADA proffesor and claim that they’re standard uniform for the position.

44. Telling Lucius what he could do with his cane is not advisable.

45. There is no annual ‘Dress Like Dumbledore’ day.

46. I will stop asking the Arithmancy proffesor what the square root of -1 is.

47. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

48. I will not cast “Petrificus Totalus” on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

49. “To conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career choice.

50. I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets.

51. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

52. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

53. I must stop telling first years about the time a Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

54. I am not allowed to cause mass hysteria among the first years by freaking out when the ghosts show up.

55. I will not demand that Professor Trelawney be given a muggle drug test.

56. Adding the name Bueller to Professor Binn’s attendance list is cruel.

57. There is no “open-mic night” at Hogwarts.

58. It is probably not wise to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.

59. It is not appropriate to trade first years between houses.

60. I will not use magic to change test questions into those that I can answer.

61. I will not tell first years that is is customary to dye their hair in their house colours for their first say of lessons.

62. Hogwarts is not in the USA, therefore I am not to make first years reenact the first Thanksgiving every year in order to celebrate it.

63. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him “my little pony”.

64. Thriller is not the school dance.

65. And am I not allowed to teach all of the first years do the Thriller dance on Halloween claiming it is a school tradition.

66. I will not borrow Trelawney’s tarot cards for a game of poker.

67. I will not try to ‘capture’ a unicorn in a ‘pokeball’.

68. I will not put Prof. Flitwick on a Christmas tree and claim that I thought he was a decoration because of his size.

69. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

70. I will not continually insist that Firenze’s full name is “Firenze Our Centaur Friend”, and I also will not call him by said name.

71. And I will also not teach first years to say this in unison whenever they see him.

72. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will offend them.

73. There is no “Arts and Crafts” time at Hogwarts and I am not to blame it for my homework being ruined.

74. I am not to start a “who can blow up their cauldron first” contest in Potions class.

75. I will not enchant a stag to attack Prof. Snape claiming that it is James Potter resurrected.

76. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the great hall.

77. I will not enchant hundreds of chocolate frogs in the school and call them “Umbridge’s Children”.

78. I will also not charm them to follow Umbridge around the school.

79. Harry Potter is not my “Protection Shield” to carry around and ward off evil.

80. Hagrid’s skin is not green, and I should stop calling him ‘The Jolly Green Giant’.

81. A hug is not all Prof. Snape needs.

82. I will not use the spell used to enchant Bludgers on any food items at mealtimes.

83. I will not tell Prof. Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

84. I will not test my potions assignments by spiking Snape’s drink with them.

85. It is inappropriate to send Binns an invitation to his own memorial service.

86. Even if I myself do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight saving time.

87. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

88. I will not ask Professor Trelawney when she last had her Inner Eye tested.

89. I will also not recommend that she get glasses for her Inner Eye.

90. Hufflepuffs are not the Canadians of Hogwarts.

91. Stripping during breakfast is not a way to show Gryffindor bravery.

92. I’m not allowed to yell BAMF every time I walk into a room.

95. The Fat Lady is not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.

96. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of “Ferret Boy”.

97. I will not throw Hermione’s “Hogwarts: A History” out a window claiming it wanted freedom.

98. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

99. I cannot Hadouken anything into oblivion.

100. When asked to demonstrate “Muggle technology” by other students, I will not use C-4 and Professor Snape’s lab to do so.

101. Seamus Finnigan is not “after me lucky charms”.

102. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not. Neither are Snuggies.

103. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the opponent time to find their wand.

104. The world will not end in 2012 and I am to stop telling everyone that Harry Potter going insane will be the cause of it.

105. Yelling “To infinity and beyond” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

106. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.

107. I will not charm Hermione’s time turn to rotate every half-hour.

108. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.

109. The fact that there are only thee unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is “pretty much forgivable.”

110. Claiming my printer was not working is not a valid excuse for a late essay.

111. I am not allowed to scream “Run Forest, run” as the teachers sprint of to stop some crisis.

113. It is not acceptable to ask Professor Sprout if she has found an Audrey II yet.

114. I cannot ask the professors if they have ever been in shampoo commercials.

115. Or Lucius Malfoy.

116. Yelling “BOO!” at Professor Moody is not wise.

117. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

119. I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

120. I will not tell first years that Professor Snape is the voice of God.

121. There is no bring a muggle to school day.

122. “Spring Time For Voldemort” is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

123. I will not owl Voldemort a bottle of anti-depressants.

124. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

125. Easter in Hogwarts is not to be celebrated by releasing hordes of pink rabbits and making the first years chase them.

126. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-exsistent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

127. I am not to slip Polyjuice potion to as many people as possible to make them look like me ‘purely for the humor’.

128. I will not slip sleeping potions into my professor’s drinks.

130. You cannot get credit for Muggle Studies by watching “Sherlock”.

131. It is unwise and unhealthy to ask Voldemort if he’s been waiting all these years to dance again.

132. Watching “The Food Network” is not equivalent to sitting NEWT level potions classes.

133. I will not charm the Great Hall doors to shout “You will not pass!” every time someone tries to get in. Even if Professor Dumbledore thinks it’s funny…We would like to eat you know.

134. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

135. It is not acceptable to tell the first years that Bellatrix Lestrange is going to bake them in a pie

136. I will not randomly break into soliloquies.

137. A dog toy is not an appropriate gift for Sirius Black.

138. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

139. I will stop telling everyone that the reason why the Hufflepuff common room is located near the kitchens is because they are always getting the munchies.

140. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

141. Sirius Black is not the lead singer of the Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl, nor vise versa and I should stop insisting that he is.

142. Albus Dumbledore’s proper title is “Headmaster”, not “My Liege”.

143. It is not necessary to yell “BURN!” every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.

144. I will not attempt to fuse the rules of chemistry with those of potions.

145. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other’s names.

146. I’m not on Survivor and therefore I’m not allowed to vote people out of the common room.

147. Snape is not Batman and I will not hum/sing the Batman theme song whenever he enters a room.

148. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

150. Just because it was funny to have the school do the Time Warp, I will not teach them how to do the Soulja boy.

151. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

152. I must not yell “Scoob! It’s a g-g-ghost!” every time Professor Binns enters the classroom.

153. Singing “U.G.L.Y.” to Moaning Myrtle, although funny, is extremely unkind.

154. I will not read “My Immortal” to Slytherins.

155. The “I Hate Umbridge” Club is not a valid after class activity.

156. Hermione does not like to be referred to as Herman.

157. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

158. I will not add ‘according to the prophecy’ to the end of every sentence in Divination class, just to raise my grade.

159. Asking “So, when do we learn to saw a lady in half?” is not appropriate.

160. Replacing McGonagall’s pumpkin juice with Diet Coke, while amusing, makes her snort it out her nose and detentions aren’t as amusing.

161. I will not accuse the Minister of being a Death Eater.

162. I will not try to breed a Thestral and a Grim.

163. Coming up with a fake disease and telling first years that they have it is not a good idea.

164. Modifying the old “pail of water over the door” trick to “pail of bubotuber pus over the door” is frowned upon.

165. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with Blast-Ended Skrewts.

166. I am not a demi-god and I do not go to camp Half Blood during the summer.

167. Going to Barty Crouch Jr. and asking him “where Rose is” is not acceptable.

168. Changing the slips that are passed out at the end of the term to say, “Practicing magic during the holidays is encouraged, please try to hex at least five muggles” is immature and really bad idea.

169. It is not a good idea to charm the furniture the potions classroom to be pink and fluffy.

170. Teaching first years to chorus in unison “the amazing bouncing ferret” whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is wrong, funny, but wrong.

171. I will not “borrow” a prefects badge for Peeves.

172. I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle cupcakes with Veritaserum in them.

173. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”.

174. I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”.

175. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the Hallways.

176. I will not take a Hippogriff to the summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions.

177. I will not tell McGonagall that she is bad luck because she turn into a cat.

178. Not only is it a bad idea to mix potions and nitroglycerine together, it is also dangerous.

179. I will not ask Professor Snape about the Molarity of the potions ingredients.

180. A time turner is not a Flux Capacitor and I should therefore not install one in any muggle cars.

181. Starting a betting pool with the Slytherins on when Harry Potter will die is not appropriate.

182. I will not sell muggle pens to students for a profit. No matter how much neater they are to write with.

183. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.

184. Voldemort does not wish to appear as the “before” for a line of cosmetics.

185. Insisting that the school acquire computers and network buildings is a pointless request.

187. The Death Eaters are not Daleks.

188. There is no such things as Pigfarts.

189. I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination.

191. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

192. First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

193. I will not attempt to set up a satellite dish on the Astronomy tower.

194. I will not say the phrase “Dude, get a life” to Lord Voldemort because it will probably get me killed and is disrespectful.

195. I will not claim my X-Files DVDs are “Auror training videos”.

196. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell “NI” from various directions.

197. I will not wear my “DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!!!“ shirt to school.

198. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously.

1) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons.

2) Nor do their House colours suggest they are ‘covered in bees.’

3) No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I must not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class

7) The Giant Squid is not an acceptable date to the Yule Ball.

8) I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore!”

11) If a classmate falls asleep in class, I will not take advantage of the fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.

12) House Elves are not acceptable replacement Bludgers.

13) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defence against The Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, NOT a clever moneymaking scheme.

14) “Springtime for Voldemort” is not an appropriate suggestion for the class play.

15) Seamus Finnegan is not ’after me Lucky Charms’.

16) Nor does he have a pot of gold under his bed.

18) House Elf Stew is not on the menu, nor is Niffler curry so I should just stop asking.

20) I will not bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination class.

22) I will not refer to the Potions classroom as “Kitchen Stadium.”

24) The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

25) I am not a Tribble Animagus.

26) I am allowed a rat, owl, toad or cat. I cannot have a Reticulated Python, Snow Leopard, Piranha or Tasmanian Devil.

27) I do not weigh the same as a duck.

28) Remus Lupin does not want a Flea Collar.

29) Skiving Snackboxes are not good presents for first years.

30) I will not lick Trevor.

31) I am not being repressed.

35) I am not a Pinball Wizard.

36) Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time.

38) It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

39) It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

40) Sir Cadogan is not one of the Knights who say NI.

41) I will not offer to prepare Tandoori Owl.

44) I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “what’s new pussycat?”

45) There is not now, nor ever has been, a fifth house. I am not a member or founder of such.

46) Especially not one called Sparklypoo.

47) I will not take out Life Insurance on Harry Potter.

48) I will not call the DADA teacher ‘Kenny,’ even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

50) I will not give girls one half of a set of two way mirrors. Especially if I don’t tell her what it is.

51) I will not convince the house elves to unionise.

53) I will not go to fundamentalist websites and argue that Lord Voldemort is direct contradiction of the concept of Intelligent Design.

54) The muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to nor working for Voldemort in any way and I am to stop insinuating that he is.

55) There are Spoons! I am not to disappear, rename, transfigure or in any way alter the cutlery so that there are no spoons.

57) I am not allowed to wear Death Eater robes to dinner and shout ”Long Live lord Voldemort” just because I think it’s funny.

58) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died & made him boss.

59) Attempting to create real Tribbles is expressly forbidden, even if it is for extra credit in Care of Magical Creatures.

60) Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort students into the house of Martok, or any other Klingon house is not permitted.

63) I am not to proclaim myself the new Dark Lord.

64) I am not to draw a smiley face on my arm and call it the new Dark Mark.

65) “You might be a pureblood if...” jokes will get me into trouble. Especially in front of Slytherins.

66) The condition of Snape’s hair has nothing to do with the muggle movie “Something about Mary.”

67) I should not ask Harry if he wants to talk to my ‘snake.’

68) Professor Snape is not the Metatron.

73) I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads. Even if she is.

74) Getting my little brother to record his latest thrash masterpiece onto a howler so I can listen to it may be a good idea in theory, but is not in practice.

75) I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be.

76) I will not refer to House Elves as “Self-Disciplining Submissives.”

78) Singing “If I were a rich man” around the Weasleys is not nice.

79) I must not sell Umbridge’s quill to Emo students, especially if they are no good at poetry.

80) I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

84) I am under no circumstances to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.

86) I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.

87) Replying to every question that Lupin asks with “Are you fuckin’ Sirius?” is not funny, even the first time.

89) I am not allowed to ask Flitwick where Snow White is.

90) Asking Flitwick if there is a charm to give you X-ray vision, or remove clothes is not permitted.

91) Mail order Dinosaurs do not make good birthday presents for Hagrid. No matter how good a discount you get on them.

92) I must stop charming Professor Snape’s robes bright purple. (or any other bright colour for that matter)

93) Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is not Yoda in disguise.

94) Telling first years about the time my friend got eaten by the Giant Squid is NOT appropriate. Ever.

95) I must not charm Firenze pink and call him ‘my little pony’.

98) A good way to piss Hermione off: Write’ Hermione Granger was here’ on all the library books earning her a lifetime ban.

100) I am not send Snape shampoo and toothpaste, no matter how much I think he needs it.

103) Screaming ‘VOLDEMORT’ in crowded hallways is not in good taste.

104) Stealing Draco’s underwear and selling on E-Bay to horny fan girls is not ethical, nor profitable. ( note to self. Steal potters instead.)

105) I will not refer to Ron Weasley as that Red-Headed Twit in polite company. (Impolite company is just fine.)

106) The “I hate Snape club” is not a valid after-school activity.

107) Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong. So is making Malfoy pay double for them.

109) Potter 6, Voldemort 0, is not a valid T-shirt slogan.

113) I will not sell pennies as priceless muggle collector coins.

115) When called upon in class I will not automatically answer with ‘42’.

117) I will not refer to the Accio charm as ‘The force.’

118) I will not add ‘according to the prophecy’ at the end of sentences to try and up my Divination mark.

119) I will not sing ‘Defying Gravity’ during Quidditch practice.

120) I will not ask Aragog how things are with his wife, Shelob.

121) I will not tell muggle born first years that Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans taste better when eaten by the handful.

122) I will not refer to DADA teachers as ‘canaries in the coal mine.’

123) I will not confess to crimes that happened before I was born, even though I have a Time-Turner.

124) “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career aspiration, even for a witch.

125) Providing Peeves with a case of Dungbombs was socially irresponsible and I will never do it again.

126) I will not call my wand ‘an elegant weapon for a more civilised age.’

127) I must not tell Nearly Headless Nick that he’d forget his head if it weren’t attached.

128) The four houses are not; The Morons, The Borons, The Smart-Arses and the Junior Death Eaters.

129) Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles marked ‘Firewhisky’. Charming the label does nothing.

130) The Headmasters name is Albus Dumbledore, not Gandalf.

131) I will not teach the House Elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

132) Yelling ‘to infinity and beyond’ when I take off on my broom was only funny once.

133) I will stop sneaking out at night to look for Ents in the Forbidden Forest.

134) I will stop calling the Weasley twins Merry and Pippin. I must also not call Ron and Harry, Frodo and Sam. I probably shouldn’t call Malfoy, Legolas either.

135) Telling Malfoy to ‘make like a ferret and bounce,’ is always a bad idea.

136) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is purely coincidental. They do not have giant dragons that are secretly fed first years.

137) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogwarts, I will not point at the Dark Mark and say; To the Batmobile, Robin.

138) No matter how creepy the abandoned towers are I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.

140) I will not start a campaign to rid the world of mimes.

141) I am not the Phantom of Hogwarts, and I will not lure innocent girls into my lair, no matter how well I’ve furnished the Chamber of Secrets.

142) I am not to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, don a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber.

143) I will not tickle a sleeping dragon to see what happens.

144) Remember: I am not allowed out of my dorm when Ministry Representatives are in the castle.

145) When interrogated by staff members, I will not wave my hand and say ‘these are not the droids you are looking for.’

146) I will not tell muggle born first years the forbidden forest is really Mirkwood.

147) I will not sweep the common room with Harry’s prized Firebolt.

148) First years are not toys, and I should not teach the Giant Squid to fetch them.

149) I will not scare First Years with tales of an Omniscient author who controls our destinies.

150) Ron Weasley is not the boy wonder and does not want to borrow your green tights.

151) Taking Polyjuice Potion and walking up to the person you’re supposed to be and pretending to be a walking mirror or their long lost twin can make them go insane and is not a hilarious practical joke.

152) If I see a Dementor I must not hiss ‘Sssssshire...Bagginsss’.

153) Putting a snitch down Draco’s pants is not funny, no matter how long he runs around screaming like a girl.

154) Enchanting the brooms to hum the Sorcerer’s Apprentice is very, very annoying.

155) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I can assume I’m probably not allowed to try it.

156) Putting fake spiders in Ron’s bed is not funny, even when he tries jumping out the window.

157) Spiking the school’s pumpkin juice is not funny, no matter how much fun we all had that night.

158) I am not allowed to hum ‘my own personal spy music’ when I walk down the hallways.

159) I will not charm a potato to waltz down the aisles with me, especially not the produce aisle.

161) Speaking like Yoda does not a happy Professor make. Funny it is not.

162) Moaning Myrtle is not the girl from ‘The Ring’ and I must not tell first years otherwise.

163) I will not replace Madam Pomfrey’s Skele-gro with Pumpkin juice. Nor will I replace Professor Snape’s Pumpkin juice with Skele-gro.

164) I will not swap Draco’s broom with one of Filch’s.

165) I am no longer allowed in the student laundry. Or the Teacher’s laundry.

166) I will not refer to the Hippogriff as ‘Horseybird’

167) I will not ask Professor Sprout where the jolly green giant is.

168) Next time I see Rita Skeeter I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

169) First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

171) I am not to conjure the words ‘DRINK ME’ onto the vials in Snape’s classroom.

172) I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the National Enquirer.

173) I will not borrow a prefect’s badge for Peeves.

174) Chemistry and Potions do not mix. Testing this is not wise.

175) I am not allowed to perform an Invisibility Charm ever again.

176) I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class. Even if I brought enough for everybody. And emptying a bag full of them onto Snape’s desk to prove this last is also not good.

177) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions.

178) Dumbledore is not Santa, and he does not want me to sit on his lap and demand presents, especially in the middle of June.

179) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

180) When given directive by my house prefect, I am not to reply, “We don’t need no stinking badges.”

181) Sending nine rings to senior staff members at Yuletide with the return address ‘Voldemort’ is not funny.

182) I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

183) Nor will I tell her I dreamt she defeated the Dark Lord.

184) If asked in class what Avada Kadavra does, yelling “IT DOES DEATH” may be the correct answer but is not the way in which I should reply.

185) I will not refer to Remus Lupin as a “nice doggy.” Nor Sirius Black.

186) I am not allowed to tamper with or hide Dumbledore’s candy. Even if I think it’s funny.

187) I am not to refer to Professor McGonagall as “cat girl”. Nor am I to attempt to stop her transforming way through, even though I think cat girls are cute.

188) I will not charm Hermione’s time turner to turn every hour.

189) I will stop claiming that X-Files tapes are “Auror training tapes.”

190) I will stop sending forged love notes to Snape that appear to be from Lupin.

191) I cannot see the Grim Reaper and I must not say he is standing behind Dumbledore and tapping his watch.

192) House Elves are not there to do my homework.

193) OMGWTF is not a spell.

194) I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

195) The teaching staff are not “Dumbledore’s filthy assistants”.

196) The fact that there are only 3 Unforgivable Curses does not make every other curse pretty much forgivable.

197) “The lady doth protest too much methinks” will not change McGonagall’s mind...about anything.

198) I will not perform the odd Obliviate spell on Dumbledore no matter how funny I think it is.

199) Asking Snape if his sister’s ok after that house fell on her is tasteless and will earn you a month of detention.

200) Shouting “Abracadabra” can be misheard and start a panic.

201) I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they are basically useless because the smartest kid in the school is in another house.

202) I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

203) I will not joke that Flitwick went to “Charm school”.

204) I will not stack Trelawney’s Tarot deck so the first five cards are the Devil, the Tower, the Hanged Man, Judgement and Death, showing she knows nothing about Tarot and just likes being dramatic.

205) I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.

206) I will not tell first years that House Points are like Golf scores...Aim low.

207) I will not re-enact Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.

208) It is generally accepted that Dogs and Dragons do not interbreed and I am not to attempt to disprove this theory. No matter how “wicked” the results would be.

209) When fighting Death Eaters I am not to point my wand upward and shout, “There can only be ONE”.

212) I am not to charm the words “ferret boy” onto Draco’s Malfoy’s forehead. He does not like being reminded of that incident.

213) I must not challenge the Prefects to meet me on the Quidditch pitch for a Duel at dawn.

214) I cannot perform the Avada Kadavra curse, and pretending I can to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

217) I am not to ask Dumbledore if the size of his beard is “compensating for something”

218) I will not ask if Remus Lupin has had all his jabs.

219) I shall not give Peeves a paintball gun full of pink pellets and lock him in Snape’s office.

220) I shall not give Peeves a paintball gun full stop.

221) Telling first year Hufflepuffs that Voldemort is trying to exterminate them is not funny.

223) Telling Draco Malfoy I am getting him a ferret for Xmas is not funny.

224) Asking Sirius if I can scratch him behind the ears is rude.

227) I will not teach Peeves “the Knacker Song” and send him to Firenze’s family reunion. He has enough drama as it is.

228) Telling Pansy Parkinson that Percy Weasley wants to have hot passionate sex with her and giving her fabricated love letters to prove it, is cruel and unusual punishment. (they deserved it at the time)

231) I will not Tie-dye all the owls.

232) I will not write all my essays in red and claim it is blood.

233) I am not to steal Flitwick’s wand, hold it above his head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

234) I will not refer to Aragog as “Charlotte”

235) Professor Flitwick’s first name is Filius, not Yoda.

236) I should not ask Prof. McGonagall if while in cat form she has ever coughed up a hairball.

237) I will not leave catnip on my desk in Transfiguration. I was not being thoughtful.

238) I will not tell Voldemort, “dude, get a life.”

239) When applying for a post at the Ministry, I should not write “Fred and George Weasley” as my greatest influence at Hogwarts. Putting Lord Voldemort is probably not best either.

240) I will not don a hood and walk up to Harry Potter claiming to be his real mother.

241) I will not insist that Voldemort is really Hitler or Osama Bin Laden in disguise.

242) Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts.

243) I am not to substitute chocolate-flavoured laxatives for Lupin’s prescription strength chocolate.

244) Bubotubers are not filled with delicious tasting honey and I am not to convince the first years otherwise.

245) Portable swamps are not funny.

246) Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy and does not need to be told... again.

247) No part of my uniform is edible. I am not allowed to make any part of my uniform edible.

248) Bungee jumping off the Astronomy tower is against the rules. Even if it isn’t actually written anywhere.

249) The Easter bunny is not Jesus’ Animagus form.

250) I am no longer to discuss my theory that Voldemort is Sauron’s second cousin.

251) The Bludger is not a bowling ball, and Snape is not a bowling pin. I am not to attempt to disprove this.

252) I will not tell people I can see Thestrals if I can’t. I will also not tell first years that only a true witch or wizard can see them and if they can’t then the obviously “aren’t cut out for this school and should go home now”.

253) I will not attempt to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in Animagus form.

254) I will not feed Prof. McGonagall lasagne.

255) I will not ask people what their Daemons are.

256) I am not allowed to trade first years between the houses.

257) I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on the house ghosts and attempting to do so merely offends.

258) I am not allowed to sneak into Snape’s private chamber to watch him sing “I will survive” in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

259) I will not ask Ginny the correct way to strangle a chicken.

260) I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley’s forehead.

261) Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the Rose Seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.

262) The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any Hentai film.

263) I am not the Defence Against the Boring Classes professor.

265) I am not a professor at all.

266) Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins.

267) I must not mock Umbridge in front of the press.

268) I must not speak Latin in front of the books..

274) A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking my nose, playing snooker, or drumming on desks. No matter how bored I am.

275) I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as “Cannon fodder”.

276) Neville is not my personal valet.

278) Novelty or Holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

279) There is no “bring a muggle to school day”. And I should stop insisting there is.

280) I will not put books of muggle fairytales in the history section of the library.

282) I will not ink my owl’s feet, have it walk across a parchment and sell it as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes. Even if Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

283) I will not enchant the telescopes to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L.s

284) A muggle vacuum cleaner is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

285) Hogsmeade village is not “a wretched hive of scum and villainy”.

286) I will not use Gryffindor and Slytherin first years as Xmas decorations.

287) I will not dye the Death Eaters robes pink.

288) Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the wall is not funny.

289) I must not call the Professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their schooldays.

290) “Y’all check this here shit out,” is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

291) Revel fires are for dancing round, not disposing of old love letters, or sensitive documents.

292) Ravenclaws do not find signs saying, “The library is closed for an indefinite period of time” amusing.

293) Stealing first years’ clothing and tossing it into the Whomping Willow is frowned upon.

294) Mrs Norris does not like playing with Blast Ended Skrewts.

295) Sneaking slugs into Ron’s food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of that incident.

296) Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.

297) Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

298) I am not the Wicked Witch of the West.

299) I will not refer to Umbridge as such either.

300) I will not melt if you pour water on me.

301) Neither will Umbridge.

303) That goes double when Draco is within earshot.

304) I am not allowed to take house points from firsties for being “too goddamned short”.

305) Never, ever attempt to correct Moody about anything.

306) I must not call Headmaster Dumbledore “mum”

307) Nor Prof. Snape.

308) I am not allowed to use Silencing Charms on the professors.

309) I am not allowed to use Silencing Charms on the prefects.

310) I am not allowed to use Silencing Charms at all.

311) I am not allowed to prophesise the end of the world more than once.

312) I will not attempt to sell Hagrid new creatures.

313) Especially if I actually have them.

314) I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

315) Especially not one-way tickets.

316) Singing “99 bottles of potion on the wall” nonstop will result in a detention.

318) Woad and other camouflage/ body paints are not needed for DADA.

319) I must not throw Fanged Frisbees in the great hall.

321) I shouldn’t show up at the front gates messily drunk and wearing part of another house’s uniform.

322) I will not only wear “wizard hat, open robe and tie” and call it an authorized uniform.

323) Teaching exchange students to taunt the Hufflepuffs is not nice.

324) When detained by Dementors I do not have the right to a strip search.

325) Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.

326) I will not test Potions assignments by spiking Snape’s pumpkin juice with them.

327) Especially not all of them at once.

328) I will not attempt to sell off my old piercings as “priceless muggle artefacts.”

330) Luna Lovegood does not have pointy ears, nor is she to be addressed as “Galadriel”.

331) Lucius Malfoy does not have pointy ears, nor is he to be addressed as “Haldir”

332) Prof. Snape definitely does not have pointy ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as Spock.

333) I will stop substituting Prof. Lupin’s Wolfsbane Potion with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

334) I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling in winter and cry”My God, It’s full of stars.”

335) I am not to sing “we’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz” when on my way to Dumbledore’s office.

336) I am definitely not to sing it with house elves acting as a backing group.

337) Especially with kazoos

338) I am not to hit Bludgers at spectators.

339) Or the referee

340) I will not commit crimes and claim I was under the Imperius Curse.

341) I will not insult people and say I was given Veritaserum.

342) I will not give people Veritaserum.

343) I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

344) I am not authorised to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

345) I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order “to see what happens”.

346) Grindelwald is not my role model.

347) Nor is Voldemort.

348) I will not cast Petrificus Totalus on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

349) Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand about is not acceptable as Charms research.

353) Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

354) Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.

355) I am not to scare the first years by screaming “I’m melting, I’m meeeeeltiiing” while they are in the showers.

358) Telling people that Prof. Snape is a snake Animagus is not wise.

359) I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark anywhere on my body.

360) I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuffs the Dark Lord eats them for breakfast. Or any other meal. And then tell them if they inform anyone of this warning he will choose them to be next.

362) Please stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Xmas tree ate a student.

363) I am not to walk on water in front of muggles.

364) Draco Malfoy is not a Vampire.

365) Especially not one called “Spike”.

366) Calling Voldemort “Baldemort” is not appropriate.

367) I cannot lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room together and lay bets on which house comes out alive.

368) I am not to dismantle the Weasleys’ flying car and rebuild it inside Snape’s classroom.

369) I must not charm all dictionaries to show Gryffindors as the definition of gullible.

370) Prof. Snape’s given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.

371) Robes are not optional.

372) There is no such thing as the Hufflepuff Marshmallow man.

373) Even if I do conjure him up. Which I shouldn’t.

375) I will not sing the Beverly Hillbillies theme tune when the Weasley family passes by.

377) Telling Lucius what he can do with his staff is not advisable.

379) Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.

382) I am not to suggest to 1st years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

383) I will not send forged letters to the parents of muggle born 1st years detailing the satanic rituals they have been learning.

384) I will not ask Dobby why he doesn’t look more like Orlando Bloom.

385) Or if he works for Santa in the off season.

387) Asking Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I can keep him as a pet was not appropriate either.

388) I will stop pasting happy face stickers onto Lupin’s office door.

389) I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

392) Breaking into song in Potions class is not allowed.

395) The Slytherin prefect is called Draco Malfoy, not Rocky Horror.

396) I am not “a ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to kill Harry Potter” and I must stop shouting this at mealtimes.

398) I must not call Lucius Malfoy “Jareth”.

399) The caretaker is called Filch not Riff-raff, and he does not have a sister called Magenta.

400) Teaching 1st years to chorus in unison “The amazing bouncing ferret” whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is wrong. Funny, but wrong.

401) It is not tasteful to walk up to Cho Chang wearing a T-shirt saying “All the good looking ones die young” with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

402) Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.

403) While wand safety is important, I am not to distribute any pamphlet which makes reference to “Belinda the Buttless.

404) Peeves has no authority to countermand my professors or prefects orders.

405) No matter what Umbridge may tell me, I am not authorised to form press gangs.

406) When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers I am to ignore them. Attempting to disprove them is indecent.

407) Especially if I can’t.

409) I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin mascot.

410) House ghosts do not regularly slime people.

411) There is no open mike nite at Hogwarts.

412) I must not spread rumours that Lucius Malfoy was, is or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as “Dobby’s Homeboys”

413) If I see Death Eaters in their white masks I must not start singing anything from Phantom of the Opera.

414) I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and step out of the fireplace saying I took the Flu Network.

416) I will not refer to Prof. McGonagall as “Catwoman”

417) I am not allowed to eat lollipops in Prof. Snape’s sight ever again.

418) I am not to use the spell used to enchant Bludgers on peas.

419) Or tomatoes, plums, oranges or any other food item. Or anything other than a Bludger.

420) I am not allowed my own private army.

421) Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.

422) I must not transfigure pepper pots into Daleks.

423) Nor can my scarf be longer than standard issue.

424) My professors have neither the time nor the inclination to listen to what I did with 6 boxes of sugar quills.

425) The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as “my Lord Ctulhu” and I am not to sacrifice 1st years to him on the full moon.

427) The research and manufacture of mind altering substances will not earn me extra credit in Potions.

428) I am not a Vampire Slayer and Prof. Lupin is not my watcher.

429) Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

430) Neither is Prof. Snape.

431) I am not to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.

432) That includes my own.

433) I will not use the Marauders Map for stalking purposes.

434) Shouting “Accio Dobby” is not the correct way to obtain house elf assistance.

435) I will not go into Dumbledore’s Pensive looking for graphic faculty smut.

436) It is not necessary to shout “BURN!” when Snape docks house points from Gryffindor.

437) “Defying my will” is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I must not tell 1st years it is.

438) I will not tempt Ravenclaws with apples. I will also not say that Slytherins have tempted other students with apples.

439) I will not poison 1st years, no matter how much I think they need it.

440) Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA.

441) Neither is Dracula.

442) I will not try and explain the laws of Physics, even just for arguments sake.

443) If I even look like I’m going to sing”I’ve got a song that’ll get on your nerves” I will be Obliviated.

444) Using Petrificus Totalus on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Xmas present to the house means you should watch your back till June.

445) Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.

446) If Lee Jordan was there too you’re going to need a bodyguard.

447) I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.

449) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they are real animals.

450) I will not play the Darth Vader theme tune for Prof. Snape.

451) However when Lucius Malfoy visits I may play it.

452) If I insist on carrying out my plans of writing,”Riddle-de-dee, A Voldemort musical”, I should do so under a nom-de-plume.

453) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself, even if he would look good in tap shoes.

454) Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as “Dumb and Dumber”.

455) I must not attempt to find out if Malfoy is a natural blond.

458) Singing “Ding dong the witch is dead” is never appropriate.

466) Despite the appearance of the employees and vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.

467) While in the company of goblins, I must not demand to be taken to Jareth.

469) Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and a bit of a cuddle at bedtime.

471) I am not to call Hogwarts “The most covert anti-Death Eater organisation in the world”.

472) Asking Harry how his parents are is cruel.

473) I am not to wear my “Death Eater and proud of it” T-shirt to school.

474) Voldemort is not my homey.

475) Don’t tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes round singing “Dance, Dark Lord, Dance”

477) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

478) Or a Death Eater.

479) Or Prof. Snape.

480) Or Harry Potter.

481) Or Draco Malfoy and claim to be a vampire.

482) I am not allowed to dress up at Halloween.

484) In Divination, I am not to predict that Prof. Snape is going to kill Neville no matter how funny his girl screams are.

485) Fortune cookies are not allowed in Divination class.

486) At the end of year battle with Voldemort I will not go up to Harry and say”may the force be with you.”

487) I am not to declare today, ”Hug a Slytherin day”

488) Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the time warp will not earn me house points.

489) I will not steal Gryffindors sword and use it to patrol hallways.

490) It is not necessary for me to yell “BAM” every time I apparate.

491) Parseltongue is not available as a foreign language course.

492) “Quidditch players do it in the air” broom stickers are not allowed.

493) I am not allowed to make lightsabre sounds with my wand.

494) I am not Xena, Warrior Princess, and I will not use war cries to signal my entrance into a class.

495) I am not to walk into Herbology singing the theme to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”.

496) I will not refer to Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup.

497) I will not charm suits of armour to do a rendition of “ Knights of the Round Table” during the Xmas feast.

498) I will not tell 1st years that S.P.E.W. badges are the latest trend.

499) I will not sell Ron’s chess set on E-Bay. No matter how much I can get for it.

502) I am not to set Umbridge’s cardigan on fire...no matter how ugly it is.

503) I will not poke a Hippogriff with a stick.

504) I will not dress up as Voldemort, walk up to Harry and claim to be his real father.

505) I will not piss off Filch...unless I know I can’t get caught.

507) I will not underestimate the power of Firewhiskey.

508) I will not toss Mrs Norris into the lake, to see if she can swim.

509) I will not try to beat the Weasley twins... I already know it can’t be done.

510) My name is not “the Dark Lord Happy Pants” and I am not to sign my papers as such.

512) I am not king of the potato people and I do not have a flying carpet.

513) I will not tell Ginny that Cho is hitting on Harry just for kicks.

514) I will not tell Prof. Flitwick that Charms is for sissies.

515) I will not give Hagrid’s rock cakes to 1st years & tell them it’s Honeydukes’ latest.

516) I will not tell Snape that real men wear pink.

517) I will not tell Moaning Myrtle that Harry wants to take her on a date.

518) I will not hide Hermione’s textbooks and send her on a scavenger hunt for them.

519) I will not put love potion in chocolates and send them to cute boys.

520) I will not call Harry Emo... to his face.

521) I will not tell 1st years that singing the school song wards off dangerous creatures in the forbidden forest.

522) I will not tell Gryffindors that Dumbledore was really a Slytherin.

523) I will not leave condoms in the broom cupboards.

524) I will not play Quidditch in the corridors.

525) I will not tell Hufflepuffs they suck at life.

526) I will not tell Slytherins that Voldie likes me more.

527) I am not allowed to give Gryffindors Pixie Stix.

528) I will not sing “the Badger Song” during Hufflepuff vs Slytherin Quidditch matches.

529) I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.

531) I will not scare Arithmancy students with my Calculus books.

532) There is no such place as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.

533) I will not tell 1st years that Acromantula make good pets.

534) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.

536) I will not put “hex me” signs on people’s backs.

537) I will not paint the house elves blue.

538) I will not start a Hogwarts fight club.

539) I will not introduce myself to 1st years as “Tim the Enchanter”.

540) The answer to the Ravenclaw doorknocker’s riddle is never “your mum!”

541) If Prof. McGonagall calls me into her office the correct form of address is “you wanted to see me professor” not “I have it on good authority you have no evidence.”

542) I will not tell Crabbe & Goyle their village called and they want their idiots back.

543) I will not try & get Sirius spayed.

544) If I think any males in the school are excited to see me I will not ask if that is a wand in their pocket. I really don’t want to know.

546) I must not charm the walls to moan when teachers pass by.

547) I must not transfigure Pansy into a pug!

548) I will not tell First Years there is a Gingerbread house deep in the Forbidden Forest.

549) I will not submit all my assignments in French.

550) I will ask before putting up posters in school.

551) I must not dye Draco’s hair green for big Quidditch games.

552) I will not put bombs in the mashed potatoes.

553) I will not play with fire.

554) I will not let pigs have the run of the school.

555) I must not hex the teachers so they only speak Greek.

556) I must not randomly scream out “pussy” or “cock”.

557) I will not use the excuse “Bob ate my homework.”

558) I must NOT do the boys’ make-up.

559) I will not enchant the toilets to sing when you flush them.

560) I will not make the chalk run away from the teachers.

561) I must not transfigure my desk into ice cream. Even if I’m hungry.

Evil overlord list

1. http:///lists/overlord.html

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

second part

1. 1. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
   2. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
   3. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
   4. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
   5. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
   6. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
   7. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
   8. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
   9. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
   10. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
   11. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
   12. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
   13. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
   14. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
   15. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
   16. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
   17. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
   18. If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
   19. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
   20. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
   21. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
   22. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
   23. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
   24. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
   25. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
   26. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
   27. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
   28. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
   29. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
   30. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
   31. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
   32. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
   33. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
   34. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
   35. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
   36. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
   37. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
   38. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
   39. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
   40. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
   41. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
   42. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
   43. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
   44. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
   45. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
   46. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
   47. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
   48. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
   49. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
   50. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
   51. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
   52. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
   53. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
   54. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
   55. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
   56. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
   57. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
   58. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
   59. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
   60. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
   61. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
   62. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
   63. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
   64. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
   65. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
   66. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
   67. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
   68. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
   69. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
   70. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
   71. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
   72. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
   73. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
   74. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
   75. I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
   76. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
   77. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
   78. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
   79. I will not outsource core functions.
   80. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
   81. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
   82. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
   83. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
   84. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
   85. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
   86. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
   87. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
   88. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
   89. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
   90. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
   91. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
   92. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
   93. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
   94. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
   95. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
   96. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
   97. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
   98. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
   99. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
   100. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
   101. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
   102. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
   103. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
   104. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
   105. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
   106. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
   107. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
   108. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
   109. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
   110. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
   111. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
   112. I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
   113. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
   114. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
   115. If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
   116. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
   117. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
   118. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
   119. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
   120. Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
   121. My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
   122. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
   123. I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
   124. I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
   125. I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
   126. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
   127. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
   128. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
   129. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
   130. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
   131. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
   132. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
   133. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
   134. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
   135. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
   136. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
   137. I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
   138. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
   139. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
   140. If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
   141. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
   142. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
   143. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
   144. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
   145. Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
   146. My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
   147. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
   148. I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
   149. I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
   150. I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
   151. I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
   152. I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
   153. If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
   154. If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
   155. I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
   156. Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.

I deleted my story because I found it Severely lacking. If you want to adopt it PM me.