Aaaaaand we're back! Sorry for the long absence, everyone. A combination of writer's block, real-life issues, and other projects grabbing my attention didn't give me much time to focus on this. However, I'm very happy with how it came out, so hopefully it will have been worth the wait.

I don't know how long it'll be until the next update, but in the meantime, please enjoy the final Bandit chapter!

It was midnight in the Mushroom Kingdom. In a quiet suburb, Bandit was shimmying up the drainpipe of someone's house. The roof had multiple holes—all big enough for a person to fit through—and when Bandit reached the top, he wasted no time jumping into one.

This is the easiest break-and-enter I've ever pulled! Didn't even need to do the breaking part! he thought. I do wonder why there's so many holes in the roof, though? Bah, who cares? Steal first, ask questions later!

Bandit took a moment to survey his surroundings. He was in a one story house, and he had landed in what seemed to be the living room. There were two couches, a glass table, a potted plant, a plasma screen TV, an angry-looking Pianta, a rug, a-

…Wait.

Bandit quivered as the Pianta cracked his knuckles. "I wasn't expecting company tonight," he growled.

"Wh-what are you doing in here?!" Bandit stammered. "It's the middle of the night! Shouldn't you be sleeping in your bedroom?"

"This is my living room. I'm living in it. That's the point, no?"

Bandit narrowed his eyes. "Seriously? By that logic, we should have slumber parties in public restrooms!"

"Oh, I tried that once! Didn't take long for the cops to show up, but it was fun while it las-" The Pianta shook his head. "Don't change the subject! You're an intruder, and I'm going to evict you!"

Bandit sighed. "Let me guess. You're a chuckster?"

"Yup."

"And you're literally gonna throw me out?"

"Yup."

"And while you're at it, you're gonna make some crappy one-liner?"

The Pianta grabbed Bandit and said, "I hope you like cheese, 'cause you're headin' straight for the moon!"

"Aaaaaaand there it is."

With a mighty heave, the Pianta chucked Bandit clear through the ceiling and towards the stars.

"Huh. I guess that explains the holes," Bandit muttered.

He soared over the city, crashed through the roof of his own house, and landed face-up in his bed. "Yet. Another. Failure."

For the next hour, Bandit simply lay there contemplating his past heists. Every single one had been unsuccessful, either because he had failed to secure his loot, or because whatever he had stolen turned out to be worthless. The gold coins? Turned out they were chocolate. The Ruby Heart? Turned out it was a dummy. The Mailbox SP? Turned out it was already his to begin with.

And of course he would never forget the time he had tried to steal a painting—only for the painting to turn the tables and steal him. Truly there was no greater humiliation in the world of larceny.

No matter what he did, something always went wrong. But he wasn't about to give up. If he couldn't get his act together on his own, then he would have to seek help. And he knew exactly where to go.

The next day, Bandit rented a hot air balloon and flew to Yoshi's Island. After floating over a field of tulips, a village of Birdos, and a town of Shy Guys, he eventually landed in a valley of grasses. Nearby was a wooden cottage, and Bandit sighed as he looked upon it. Well, here goes nothing.

He disembarked and started walking towards the building. Sitting in front of it was a scarlet Bandit, who was currently occupied picking red coins out of a sack and stacking them one-by-one. "Seventy-six, seventy-seven, seventy-eight… Huh?"

Her eyes widened as she noticed the blue Bandit standing in front of her. "Hey, Sis," he said with a meager wave.

"Robbie! It's you!" she exclaimed. Before Robbie could say anything, she sprang to her feet and yelled, "Mom! Guess what?!"

"What is it, Nickie?" her mother said from within the house.

"Robbie's here!"

Instantly, a violet Bandit shoved the door open and came outside. Nickie was already squeezing the life out of Robbie, and their mother was quick to join in. "Robbie! You've come home!"

"It's… nice… to… see… you… too…!" Robbie said between gasps.

"What brings you here, anyhow?" asked Nickie as she finally released him. "Have you come to brag about a grand heist you pulled?"

Robbie frowned. "Yeah, about that…"

"So no matter what you do, something always goes wrong?" asked Mom.

"Yup. To this day, I've yet to pull a single worthwhile heist," said Robbie.

"What about that hot air balloon?" Nickie asked.

"That balloon's a rent. I didn't steal it because I was afraid my thief's curse would cause it to crash."

"So there you have it! All you have to do is not return it and you'll be a bona fide thief!"

Robbie shook his head. "Three. Two. One."

CRASH!

Everybody stumbled as the ground shook. Spinning around, they saw that a massive Chain Chomp had fallen from the sky and landed on the balloon, smashing it to pieces. Nickie winced as the Chomp panted and rolled about on the wreckage."Oof. You weren't kidding," she murmured. "Any ideas, Mom?"

"For starters, I'm gonna tell our blasted neighbors to keep their Chomp on a chain," said Mom. "Second, I'm gonna break this curse of yours once and for all."

Robbie's eyes lit up. "So you'll help me then?"

"Of course! I'll make an accomplished criminal out of you yet, or my name isn't Jackie McPilfer! Now come on! I know just where to start!"

As the Bandit family ran off, a Little Mouser crawled out from underneath the cottage and sniffed the air. Catching a delightful scent, he scurried over the grass and into a nearby burrow. The interior was a labyrinth of tunnels, but he followed his nose through every twist, turn and loop. The aroma grew stronger with each passing second, and the next thing he knew, he had found the source. "Bingo!"

The Little Mouser had stumbled into a chamber with a round object. Said object was a wheel of gourmet cheese, imported from Moo Moo Farm and perfectly aged. The rodent licked his chops as the odor filled his nostrils, tempting him to sink his teeth into the delicious dairy. Drooling, he picked up the cheese and opened his mouth to take a big bite.

And then he was jerked away.

As the cheese fell back into place, the Little Mouser found himself face-to-face with an angry Monty Mole. "What do you think you're doing with my holy cheese?!" Monty snarled as he gripped him by the chest.

The Mouser blinked. "Do you mean holy as in sacred, or holey as in full of holes?"

"Holy, as in WHOLLY MINE AND NOT YOURS! You really think you can just waltz into someone's burrow and eat their cheese?!"

"...Apparently?"

"Well you can't! That hunk of cow nectar is mine! Now make like a mouse and scurry!"

"Oh come on, man! Can't you share it?" the Mouser pleaded.

Monty rolled his eyes. "Oh, right. Like I'm gonna share with a lowly rodent."

"You're a rodent too, stupid! And that's some pretty high talk for someone who lives underground!"

Monty narrowed his eyes. "I might be underground, but you're about to be overcloud!"

"The heck does that mean?"

The Mouser suddenly found himself being dragged through the tunnels and thrown out the entrance. He rocketed into the sky, went over a cloud, and crashed into the ground.

"Stay away from my cheese, pipsqueak!" Monty yelled before diving back down.

Grumbling, the Mouser picked himself up and wiped the dirt off his body. He then turned to the burrow and glared. "This ain't over, you subterranean punk! I willget that cheese, or my name isn't Lars Burg!"

The McPilfers peered out of a bush, gazing at a little wooden cabin at the edge of a small community. Sitting in front of it was a violet Birdo in a rocking chair, snoring loudly as she gently swayed back and forth. "While you were gone, a bunch of Birdos moved in and built their own village," Jackie explained. "That one right there is named Sheila. She's a real heavy sleeper, so she's super easy to steal from."

"It's true. I do it all the time," said Nickie. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Nickie walked right up to Sheila, pulled a diamond ring off her finger, and brought it back to Robbie. "See? Piece of cake!"

"Except the cake is a fake," said Robbie. "That's not a real diamond. It's just costume jewelry."

"That's because I already took the realjewelry, genius. I've also swiped her shoes, golf clubs and eyeliner."

"What's left for me, then?"

"How about her bow? I don't care much for headwear, but a bow that size is definitely worth something."

"Eh, alright," Robbie shrugged. "Wish me luck."

"Already wished," Jackie said with two thumbs up.

Robbie tiptoed his way behind Sheila and tugged at her bow. However, it would not come off her head. He tried pulling harder, but still the bow remained attached. "Is this thing glued on or something?! Come on, budge!"

The Bandit yanked at the bow with all his might, and then—all of a sudden—it tore away from her scalp. Sheila screamed in pain as Robbie went tumbling backwards, and when he got up, he looked at the bow and saw a thick gel dangling from its center "Huh... Apparently it was glued on..."

"Jumping Jumpman!" Sheila exclaimed as she rubbed her head. "What the heck just... Whuh?!"

Just then, Sheila noticed Robbie. Stomping up to him, she pointed and yelled, "What're you doing with my bow?!"

Instinct told Robbie to flee, but the Birdo had already cornered him against the cabin. He glanced aside at his mother and sister, but they merely shrugged. Hoo boy. Here comes the part where I lose, Robbie thought. Unless…

"I, uh... wanted to try it on?"

Sheila raised her brow. "Because?"

"Because it's pretty, of course!" he said with a sheepish grin. "It makes you look beautiful, so I thought it might make me look beautiful too!"

Sheila blushed. "My, you certainly have good taste! Why didn't you just ask me, though?"

"You were sleeping so peacefully and I didn't want to wake you. Did I mention you look majestic in your sleep?"

"Goodness gracious, aren't you a sweet talker?" the Birdo winked. Robbie tried not to vomit. "Well, since you're already holding it, you might as well try it on. I'm sure you'll look dashing!"

"Okay! Here it goes!" Robbie put the bow on his head. "How do I look?"

"Like a bag of blue coins!"

"Ha! Trade me for a Shine Sprite, why don't ya?"

As Robbie and Sheila shared a laugh, Nickie and Jackie stared blankly at them. "The hell is going on with those two?" Nickie whispered.

"I'm... not sure..." Jackie whispered back.

"You know what, darling?" said Sheila. "Why don't you keep that bow?"

"R-really? I can have it?" Robbie asked, his eyes widening.

"Of course, snookums! You look too darn cute for me to take it back, and I could always make another one."

"Wow, thanks! I'll see ya later!"

"See you!"

Robbie waved her goodbye and walked away. He then went back to the other Bandits and said, "Look, I did it! I got the bow! I'm an accomplished thief!"

Jackie rubbed the back of her head and looked away, while Nickie threw her palm into her face.

"What's wrong?"

"You can't call it a theft if she handed it over, doofus!" Nickie barked. "The only thing you managed to steal is her fashion sense!"

"Oh... Yeah..." Robbie muttered. "But I do look good in this bow, right?"

Nickie and Jackie glanced at each other, then back at Robbie. "How about we try something else?" said Jackie. "Come on. I've got another idea."

The McPilfers turned and walked off, only for Robbie to come running back to Sheila. "Hey, random question! When you Birdos have babies, do you lay your eggs the normal way? Or do they come out through your…?"

Robbie stopped talking when he saw the look she was giving him. "...Never mind."

Lars snickered to himself as he skipped across the valley, a shovel in his hands. He was heading towards Monty's burrow, but instead of going through the entrance, he went a few yards past it. He then took his shovel and began to dig straight down.

Snickers became cackles as Lars dug a deeper and deeper hole. According to the calculations that he hadn't actually done, the cheese chamber was positioned directly beneath him. Which meant it was only a matter of time before he tunneled into it.

And a matter of time later, that's exactly what happened. Lars dropped into the chamber as the ceiling crumbled under his feet, and once again the scent of cheese filled his nostrils. But something wasn't right. Despite the smell, there was no cheese to be seen! Lars could have sworn that this was the right place, so where had it gone? Had Monty already eaten it? Or had Lars messed up his calculations? No, that was ridiculous. He hadn't done any calculations, and it was impossible to screw something up if it hadn't been done. Therefore, he must've been right!

Before Lars could ponder any further, he noticed a sheet of paper on the floor—precisely where the cheese had been. Picking it up, he saw a message that said, "Nice try, but I saw this coming a mile away! I mean, I do dig for a living, so doesn't it stand fair to reason that I would've anticipated you digging as well? You should've tried disguising yourself as a cheese inspector instead. I wouldn't have expected that. Oh, oops! I just did!"

"I hate that varmint," Lars mumbled. He then spied a little note on the bottom right corner that said, "Over." Flipping the paper, he saw another message on the back that said, "Also, I dug a pit trap. If you're dumb enough to continue reading this message instead of getting out of the way, it'll probably trigger before you have a chance to finish this sente-"

Lars suddenly fell as the ground collapsed beneath him. He plummeted down a deep pit, landed in an underground river, and swirled through the rapids until he was blasted out of a geyser. "Yeah. Really, really hate that varmint," Lars sighed before landing face-first on the grass. Once he pulled his snout out of the soil, he spotted another sheet of paper right in front of him. Picking it up, he saw a message that said, "Hope you enjoyed the ride! Now if you'll kindly stay put, my second trap will activate any secon-"

Lars immediately dropped the paper and ran away as fast as he could, screaming, "Nope! Not again!" As the paper floated to the ground, it flipped over and revealed an additional message that said, "Haha! Sike!"

Robbie frowned as he gazed across a field. "Mom? Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Of course I am!" said Jackie. "All the cool thieves steal from dinosaurs!"

"Yeah, but does it have to be those dinosaurs?"

On the other side of the field was a pair of Rexes. One was chewing on the bone of some unfortunate creature, while the other was sitting in a bowl-shaped nest. "I know they're intimidating," said Jackie, "but you've dealt with worse, haven't you?"

"Well, there was that Chain Chomp. And that guy who likes garlic," Robbie murmured. "I still don't know about this, though. What would I even steal?"

"See that nest?" asked Nickie. "They've got an egg. That's what you can steal."

"I actually did steal a Rex egg from someone's house once," said Robbie. "The hatchling was too dangerous to handle, so I gave it back."

Nickie shook her head. "Rookie mistake. You should've sold it back."

Robbie slapped his face. "Ah, crap! Why didn't I think of that?!"

"Don't dwell on the past!" said Jackie. "This is your second chance! All you gotta go is steal that egg, sell it to a zoo, and bam! You're a bonafide thief!"

"Tell you what," said Nickie. "How about I help you with this one?"

"Say, that's a great idea!" said Jackie. "Maybe that's what you've been needing this whole time! A partner in crime!"

Robbie scratched his head. "Isn't that kind of cheating, though?"

Jackie narrowed her eyes. "Robbie. Think about who we are."

"…Good point. So what's the plan?"

"It's simple," said Nickie. "I'll distract the dinos, and when they're not looking, you nab the egg and make a run for it. Got it?"

"Got it! Let's poach that egg!"

Nickie and Robbie went in different directions, the former heading straight for the Rexes and the latter making a wide detour. When the dinosaurs noticed Nickie approaching, they stared suspiciously.

"Hey lizards!" she hollered. '"What's with those puny wings? Are they just for show? Or have you been skipping wing day?"

"It's a remnant of our dragon ancestry!" Papa Rex growled. Nickie couldn't understand his dino-speak, but she could tell by his tone that she'd struck a nerve. Grinning mischievously, she proceeded to strike another. "And what's with those boots? Yoshi Village called! They want their style back!"

"Are you kidding me?!" Mama Rex snarled. "The similarity is passing at best!"

"I hear it takes two stomps to beat you! I guess that puts you one step above Goombas and ten steps below everything else!"

The Rexes puffed steam out of their nostrils. "That does it!" Papa roared. "Let's teach this hooligan a lesson!"

The enraged reptiles charged at Nickie, who was quick to bolt. While she led them away from their nest, Robbie snuck over, grabbed the purple-spotted egg, and sprinted off. "Yes! It's mine! All mi... Huh?!"

Robbie came to a screeching halt as a stork stood in his way. The bird was glaring at him with crossed wings, and the Bandit raised his brow in confusion. "Um, can I help you?"

"That's not your baby!" she snapped. "Put it back this instant!"]

"Whaddya gonna do about it? Peck me with your stupid beak?"

The stork pecked him with her stupid beak, causing him to drop the egg. She then wrapped it in a white cloth, held it with her break, and flew after its parents.

"Give that back, you long-necked chicken!" Robbie yelled as he gave chase. The stork was gaining altitude fast, but at the last second, Robbie jumped up and seized her by the legs. The stork struggled to stay airborne, but before long, their combined weight sent them hurtling to the ground. The bird and the Bandit rolled together in a wheel-like fashion until the egg went flying out of its cloth and through the air. "No!" they both exclaimed.

Nearby, Nickie was still diverting the Rexes. As they pursued her in circles, she thought, Alright, I think I've kept them busy long enough. Time to ditch these losers and regroup with-

Suddenly an egg fell into her arms. "What the...?"

While Nickie was momentarily distracted, Papa Rex caught up and seized her by the hood. As he lifted her off her feet, the egg slipped out of her grasp and tumbled before its mother. "Is... Is that ours?!" she exclaimed in disbelief.

"Hey! Paws off my sister!" Robbie shouted. He raced forward and tried to deliver a flying kick, but was caught midair by Mama Rex—and by the hood no less. "Remind me why we wear these stupid things?" Robbie asked.

"Not a clue," Nickie mumbled.

As the Bandits dangled helplessly, Mama turned to Papa and asked, "So how shall we punish these hoodlums?"

Papa grinned. "There's something I've always wanted to try."

Jackie watched with a panicked expression as her offspring shrieked in pain. A moment later, they both hobbled up to her with their bodies flattened like cans. "Yeah, I think we failed," said Robbie.

"I did my job just fine," Nickie growled. "You're the one who stole my mojo."

"Serves you crooks right," said the stork, suddenly appearing beside them.

Jackie rubbed her hands down her face. "Let's just go to the next thing."

The Bandits walked away, only for Robbie to come running back to the stork. "Hey, is it true that you storks deliver babies? And if so, who delivers your babies? Do you get some other bird to do it, like a crane or a heron? Or do you deliver your own babies? Also, if babies come from storks, does that make pregnancy a myth-"

Robbie stopped talking when he saw the look she was giving him. "...Never mind."

Deep in his burrow, Monty was sitting on a sofa reading a book. After he finished, he put it down and glanced at his watch. It's about time for that Mouser to show up again, he thought. Better go head him off.

Stretching his arms, Monty got up and went to the burrow's entrance. When he peeked outside, the first thing he saw was Lars approaching. Called it!

Monty hadn't noticed right away, but there was a large figure following behind Lars. As they came closer, he realized it was a spotted dog without a nose. More perplexed than alarmed, Monty simply waited for them to come within speaking range, and when they did, Lars was the first to talk. "I know you still have that cheese," he said with a serious expression. "Surrender it now, or Poochy here will dig it up himself!"

"I gotta admit, that's a clever plan," said Monty. "But still not good enough."

Lars tilted his head. "Why not?"

Monty reached into his fur and pulled out a bell with beady black eyes.

"Um, what's that?"

"It's a Super Bell. It turns people into cats. Like so."

Monty threw the Super Bell at Lars, turning him into a Cat Mouser. When Poochy saw the feline-rodent, he gave him a quick sniff, but otherwise didn't react.

Monty scratched his head in confusion. "I don't understand. Why isn't he chasing you?"

"Sorry beaver boy, but Poochy loves everything," said Mouser. "You're gonna have to do better than that."

"Well, alright then."

Monty threw another Super Bell at Poochy, turning him into a cat as well.

"…Aaaaaand that accomplished what?" Lars asked.

"Cats don't dig," Monty smirked.

Lars narrowed his eyes. "Well played."

"I mean, that is unless you can find a litter box!"

"Haha, very funny."

"I guess your plan wasn't as purr-fect as you thought!"

"Cut it out."

"Poochy? More like Pu-"

"ENOUGH ALREADY!" Lars shrieked.

Monty chuckled. "Okay, okay. I'll cut to the chase."

"Chase?"

Monty threw a rock at Lars, hitting his head and reverting him to his mouse form. "Ouch! Why you little-!"

Lars was about to throw it back, but something batted the rock out of his hand. He turned and saw Cat Poochy staring intently at him, pupils dilated and tail twitching. When he realized what was happening, he swallowed nervously. "N-now Poochy! Remember who you are! You're a lover, not a predator! Don't let those catty instincts rule your-"

Poochy made a pounce for Lars, which he barely managed to avoid by rolling backwards. He then made a break for it with the cat-dog in hot pursuit. "I HATE THAT VARMINT!" Lars yelled.

"I love that vermin!" Monty snickered.

"So who am I stealing from this time?" asked Robbie. Jackie was leading him and Nickie through a field of flowers, and after he asked this question, she came to a stop. "From her," she said, pointing downwards.

A few paces in front of them was a Crazee Dayzee. She was laying face-up in the flowers, gazing at the sky with an empty expression. She also had a Dragon Coin resting on her stomach, its golden form gleaming in the sun. "That's Lazee Dayzee," Jackie explained. "She's the loafiest loaf to have ever loafed in the history of loafing. Snails are hyperactive compared to this posie."

"It's true. I'm quite lackadaisical," Lazee said without bothering to make eye contact.

"See? She doesn't even care enough to defend herself. There's no way you could possibly mess this up."

Robbie raised his brow. "Soooooo I'm just taking that coin from her then?"

Jackie nodded.

"And she won't do anything about it?"

Jackie nodded again.

"I don't understand. If it's really that simple, then why haven't you or Nickie already stolen it?"

"Because there's no honor in stealing from someone this lethargic. I may be a rotten thief, but I have to have some standards."

Robbie scowled. "Then why am I doing this?"

"Beggars can't be choosers, Robbie. Do you want your victory or not?"

"I do! But what am I supposed to do afterwards?" he asked. "Remember what I said earlier? About how every time I do steal something, I end up losing it?"

"The solution is simple," said Jackie. "As soon as you steal that coin, toss it into a lake and make a wish! That way you'll have thrown it away on your own terms while also getting some use out of it! Bam! Successful heist!"

Robbie narrowed his eyes. "I feel like you're really stretching the definition of the word 'heist' here…"

"Again, do you want your victory or not?"

"Yes, yes I do," he sighed. "Let's get this over with."

Robbie stepped over to Lazee and took her Dragon Coin. As predicted, she didn't move a muscle to try and stop him, so Robbie payed no further attention to her and turned to Jackie. "Alright Mom, where's the nearest lake?"

Jackie began to twitch, a twisted smirk creeping across her face.

"Mom? You okay?"

"Th-that Dragon Coin... S-s-so pretty, so sh-shiny, so v-v-valuable," she cooed. "I m-m-must have it!"

"What?! Why?!" Robbie exclaimed. "I thought you said there was no honor in stealing this thing?!"

"There's no honor in stealing from Lazee. But now that the coin belongs to someone slightly more competent..."

Robbie blinked. "Slightly?"

"Oh, for Petey Piranha's sake!" Nickie groaned. "Bro, I know how to fix this! Just offer the coin as a-"

"COME TO MAMA!" Jackie roared. She sprang forward and tackled her son to the ground, knocking the coin out of his hand. She then jumped to her feet, snatched it, and scampered off. "MINE! ALL MINE!"

Nickie stared as her mother fled into the distance. She then looked down at Robbie and asked, "Bro? You okay?"

Robbie's eyes swirled as tiny Goonies circled his head. "Sibling? What you gonna say before thief got thief'd by thief?"

"...Could you rephrase that?"

"before by you thief gonna What say ? thief thief'd got"

Nickie took out a giant hammer. "Make sense. Now."

Robbie slapped himself across the face and asked, "What were you gonna say before Mom mugged me?"

"I was gonna say to offer the coin as a gift. It would've had the same loophole as the lake thing, but since she took it by force, you're back to square one."

"Terrific," he grumbled as he got to his feet. "Any chance I could steal it back?"

"Yeah, a fat one. She's probably already hidden it by now, and when Mom has an episode, it takes a long time for her to snap out of it."

Robbie ground his teeth. "Again I've failed! Again, again, again!"

"Eh, I wouldn't call it a total failure," Nickie shrugged. "After all, you did steal one thing."

"Really? What?"

"Mom's sanity."

Robbie winced. "Sis? Could you pass me that hammer?"

"Huh? Oh, sure." She handed it over. "Why do you need it though-"

WHAM!

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go sulk."

Robbie wandered off, dragging his feet and hanging his head. When Nickie stopped seeing stars, she shouted, "Wait! Aren't you gonna ask Lazee a stupid question?"

Robbie glanced back. "I'm... not in the mood."

Nickie rubbed her arm as her brother trudged away. She then followed him, only to come running back to Lazee. "Hey, when you Dayzees play a game of 'He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not,' do you pick your own petals, or…?"

"Nah, we just pull teeth from a Piranha Plant. More exciting that way."

Nickie blinked. "...Oh."

Lars limped towards Monty's burrow, an exhausted look in his eyes. However, he was not injured, nor was he particularly tired. This was all part of his latest scheme: pity-mongering. If he couldn't take the cheese by force, he would act wounded and pathetic so Monty would feel sorry for him. Then he would have to hand over the cheese!

Monty popped into view and saw Lars, but before either of them could speak, a grim-faced figure plodded between them. It was Robbie. The two rodents watched as he slowly made his way to his house, a dark cloud practically floating above his head. "Yeesh. Someone had a bad day," said Lars.

"You said it," said Monty. "I better give that guy a pick-me-up."

"Wait, what?"

Monty crawled out of his burrow, reached into a nearby bush, and pulled out his cheese wheel. Lars stared with his mouth hanging open as he carried it to Robbie and tugged on his suit. "Hey, bucko? I can see you're feeling down. You want some cheese to ease the squeeze?"

"Eh, sure. Whatever," Robbie muttered. He took the cheese and was about to eat it, but then he felt another tug. Looking down, he saw Lars glaring daggers at him. "What's the big idea, punk?!" the Mouser yelled. "I was gonna act pathetic so he'd give me the cheese! You stole my idea, you rotten idea thief!"

Robbie squinted in confusion. "I don't know what you're blabbering about, but I didn't steal anyone's idea. I was just-"

Robbie suddenly fell silent. His eyes widened as something hit him. "Wait... What did you just call me?"

"I said you're an idea thief!" Lars spat. "A rotten, dirty, no-good, filthy, disgusting..."

Lars kept on rambling, but Robbie wasn't listening. All he could hear were the words playing through his head.

You stole my idea, you rotten idea thief!

The only thing you managed to steal is her fashion sense!

You're the one who stole my mojo!

You did steal one thing! Mom's sanity!

"Hello?! Are you paying attention?!" Lars asked, snapping his fingers.

Robbie's eyes sparkled as a massive, glowing grin spread across his face.

"Um...?"

"Robbie!" a voice cried. The Bandit turned and saw Nickie running up to him with a rope in her grip. Tied to the other end was Jackie, who flailed like a fish as her daughter dragged her over the grass. "Bro, I'm sorry about earlier! We'll keep trying! Just don't give up!"

"I'm sorry, too!" Jackie said with a crooked smile. "It's been a while since I've seen a Dragon Coin worth taking, so I got a little overexcited is all! Now untie me so I can go steal another!"

"Shut up, Mom."

"Forget all that!" Robbie shouted. "I've been going about this all wrong! I know what to do now! I know what kind of thief I'm supposed to be!"

"You do?" everyone asked, including the rodents.

"Yes! And I'm gonna go be it right now!"

He dropped the cheese and ran off, leaving Monty to pick it up. "Hey, where are you going?! Don't you want your cheese?"

"Y'know, I just thought of something," said Lars. "Why haven't you eaten that yet? You've had it all day long and you haven't taken a single bite!"

"I haven't eaten it yet because I want some crackers to go with it. Having a hard time getting my paws on some, though."

"You mean like these?" Lars asked as he pulled out a box of crackers.

"Uh, yeah. Like those."

Lars smirked and shook the box. Monty scowled at him for awhile before delivering a facepalm. "Ugh, fine! I'll share my cheese if you share your crackers!"

"Oh yeah! Snack party!" Lars exclaimed as he ran to the burrow.

"Hey! Wipe your feet first!" Monty hollered as he chased after him.

The two Bandits gazed at Robbie as he vanished into the horizon. "Where do you think he's going?" asked Nickie.

"To face his destiny and unleash his true potential," said Jackie. "Now can you please untie me?"

"No."

One Week Later…

"This just in!" said a Lakitu newscaster. "The Mushroom Kingdom Police Department has received numerous reports about an 'Intangible Bandit' wreaking havoc upon civilians! Here's some footage of him in action!"

The channel switched to a clip of Lubba at the Koopa Komedy Klub. "So a Toad and a Koopa are walking in a park," he began. "The Koopa says, 'Hey man, I don't have any friends besides you. Got any advice on how to make more?' and the Toad says, 'Have you tried coming out of your shell?'"

After he said this, every single Koopa in the audience removed their shell and threw it at him.

"Yeesh! I've heard of shelling out, but this is ridiculous!"

Out of seemingly nowhere, Robbie raced onto the stage, picked up a shell, and said, "Maybe they're shell-shocked by your empty shell of a joke!"

The audience howled with laughter and tossed coins at Robbie.

"Hey! You stole my show!" Lubba griped.

The channel then showed another clip of a rich Shy Guy taking his friends for a ride on a yacht. "What do you think of my new yacht, everyone?" asked Rich Guy. "Extravagant, no?"

His friends all nodded in agreement. Then, all of a sudden, Robbie appeared on the back of a Dorrie. "Wouldn't ya'll rather ride a dinosaur? Sounds a bit cooler than a stuffy old yacht, doesn't it?"

Rich Guy's friends immediately jumped into the ocean and swam onto Dorrie.

"Oi! You stole my thunder!" Rich Guy yelled.

Finally, the channel showed a clip of a Lochlady standing on a beach. Robbie walked over and offered her a bouquet of flowers, but she merely crossed her arms and looked away. Rolling his eyes, he threw the flowers over his shoulder and offered her a bouquet of mackerel instead.

"Gah! You stole my heart!" the Lochlady swooned.

"As you can see, this Intangible Bandit is very true to his name," said Lakitu. "Unfortunately, it seems that his reign of terror won't be ending anytime soon. According to the Police Department, he cannot be arrested because an intangible crime cannot be punished through tangible means. In response to this, politicians are currently debating on whether to 'fight fire with fire' by establishing intangible laws and constructing intangible jails. Stay tuned for more coverage on-"

Robbie suddenly barged in and waved at the camera. "Hello, world! It's me, the Intangible Bandit!"

"Hey! Stop stealing my screen time!"

Nickie and Jackie were watching the whole thing on their television. "That's our Robbie!" Nickie cheered.

"I'm so proud of him," Jackie said with misty eyes.

Elsewhere, Nabbit was sneaking up to a house after dark. After climbing the drainpipe and jumping through a hole in the roof, he was confronted by a Pianta.

"When will you burglars learn?" he asked. "I hope you like time travel, 'cause I'm throwin' you into next week!"

The Pianta grabbed Nabbit and chucked him through the ceiling, creating yet another hole. "Heh heh, time travel! That's my best joke yet!" he laughed. Two seconds later the roof collapsed and crashed on top of him.

"…Ow."