I never thought I would be separated from Neji like that. So much has happened, and I have no one to talk to. Everything had started well. Neji and I, over the past couple weeks, have grown closer. A week ago, I heard him laugh. It was over a mistake I had made. A word I had used incorrectly. He wouldn't tell me what it meant, but he corrected me, smiling when he patted my head. I would be annoyed by him treating me like a child, but hearing his laugh, I could not stop my face flushing and my words getting stuck in my throat.

When he got that letter, I realized how much Neji had let his guard down around me as he instantly reverted back to how we first met, stony, unreachable, distant. As I heard him say he was going to return home without talking to me or even informing me on the matter, I felt that he was going away. That he was going to leave me behind. I didn't want that. I didn't want distance to reappear between us after I worked so hard to get closer.

Neji looked at me. Reassured me. He explained the situation. Explained how he wished for me to be safe with the others, but I did not care. I just wanted to be by his side. Maybe he thought the same thing too, as he relented to my selfish request.

The trip, while difficult, was something I was used to. There were times in war where sleep just was not possible. I was more worried about Neji's condition. His mind seemed to be elsewhere, but his physical condition did not seem to be very good either. While in the military camp, I had noticed some things. During the day, he was lethargic, and while he was still skilled in fights it was never exceptional. In our nighttime spars, he was always more energetic, fluent in his movements, and more alert. Over the weeks, he seemed to be getting weaker.

I saw it here as well. During the day, he seemed to struggle more than during the night, his condition fluctuating; but even at night, he did not seem quite put together as before. Again, I wondered if he suffered from some sort of illness, but there was no illness that I knew of that would explain these symptoms.

Maybe it was because he was struggling that he was caught off guard. Though tired, I still felt nervous on the narrow pass, seeing it as a good place for an ambush. I was not surprised that we were attacked, but there was little we could do when the enemy had the higher ground.

Falling, I was terrified. The weight of the horse almost crushed me against the river bottom, and I was dragged along, my foot stuck on the saddle. I was filled with panic and fear, desperate to get to the surface. I don't know how I survived.

My body was dragged under many times, thrown against the rocks where I would lose my breath. I tried to recall Neji's teachings, tried to relax my body, tried to go with the river's flow. I managed to get the necessary air, but that was all as I was dragged downriver. At one point, I lost consciousness. My head hit a rock. Even now, it still pounds.

I must have washed up on shore for when I regained consciousness, I was being dragged by people. My head was bagged so I could not see well. My arm was throbbing, broken though I was not sure at the time. Once they realized I was awake, they made me walk, tying my hands with rope and attached to the saddle in front of me. I tripped over stones and fallen trees, my feet ripped up from the journey. I had lost my sandals in the water, so I had to traverse barefoot.

We traveled for days. I do not know how long. I could not tell night from day and I did not know how long I had been unconscious for. They gave me water but no food. When they gave me the chance, I rested when I could, fed off bugs and edible plants if I knew it was safe. Staying in the military camp with Neji, I picked up some things from the soldiers while Neji was preoccupied. I tried to keep my strength up for the moment I could fight back.

When I had the luxury, I worried for Neji, wondering if he survived the attack. I wondered if he would even look for me if he did survive. If I were Neji, I wouldn't. My survival was of luck. On the off chance that he did search, after a day or two and finding nothing, would he not assume I died? I was just an inconvenience that had fallen into his lap, he should be glad to be rid of me.

At some point, we reached a building. They finally took off the sack on my head and fed me molding food. They didn't want me to die. They were likely slavers or bandits hoping to get a good price for this foreigner they happened to find.

The others were outside the worn-down building around a fire and eating well. The cloth covering the doorframe had enough holes I could see them. They left one to guard, a sword at his hip. They must not have thought much of me or maybe they thought the lack of food had weakened more or maybe they were just stupid. My last captors had been careful to keep me chained, blindfolded, and disoriented.

"Bastard, you must really wish to die," I told him. Sometimes, I would hear Naruto curse like this. Staying in camp, I would hear these things occasionally. Haru would tell me I shouldn't repeat it when I heard others say it, saying it was a vulgar way of speaking and someone of my status should not speak that way.

"What did you say fucker?"

"I say, you hug the wrong master's leg for scraps."

The man marched to me angrily. Kicking me. He cursed at me, grabbing my hair and striking me again. I cursed at him again. He became livid, drawing his sword. When he swung down, I turned around. He cut through my bonds though he cut into my broken forearm. I hardly noticed as I subdued the man with martial arts, taking his sword and slitting his neck.

The commotion gained the attention of others outside. I could see one coming to the entrance. I charged, sword first, impaling him onto the blade and slitting his belly open, spilling his innards. After that, it was like I was possessed.

In battle, my body seems to move on its own. Everything happens so fast, it is if I just stop thinking, relying only on instinct to survive. My father always called me an unlucky child, that I was a bringer of death. Maybe he was right. I slaughtered every one of them. I could not feel the pain in my body when I did it. I felt nothing as I took their life. I just looked for my next target.

And then Neji was there. He had come for me. At first, I did not believe it. I thought it to be another dream, a hallucination. But he was there.

I cannot describe the type of relief I felt. The joy that he had not forgotten me. He did not abandon me like so many others had done. I lost myself, embracing him, wanting to feel him and reassure myself that he was real. He would not know my true intention. He would assume it is another one of our cultural differences. I know well by now that others do not touch so casually here, but lately, I have been using my foreigner status to do things considered inappropriate with less scrutiny. At least from Neji. And sometimes, Neji would return my affection.

It was underhanded, using his lack of knowledge to get what I desired, and though I feel ashamed at times, the comfort it has always brought me, that I was the exception, always made my heart flutter.

Neji did not embrace me. I assumed that level of intimacy was too much for him with his guards standing nearby. I should have been ashamed of my own behavior. As a prince to show such vulnerable, childish behavior is unacceptable, and yet at the time, I had not cared.

And then he collapsed in my arms. My heart sputtered and stopped, scared that something was wrong. His skin looked pale if not ashy. His eyes were not closed but glazed over, his breathing was heavy as his grip on my arms tightened painfully. How could he look so weak but possess such strength?

One of the guards pulled me away from him, forcing my gaze to turn away. He told me that his master would not wish for me to see him like this. He took me away, making sure I washed and wearing fresh clothing. He would not touch me other than attending to my wounded arm and cuts I had received. During this time, I saw him receive a messenger bird which he sent a response for the bird to take.

After that, they kept Neji and I separated. One guard left to retrieve food and supplies while they waited for others to arrive, the other was guarding me. What about Neji? I had thought. Was he not the one who would have need for protection in that state?

I devised a plan to see him. I told the guard that I needed water, that I had not drank in days. There was no clean water nearby, and he did not know when his partner would return. He could not let me wander alone, but he was hesitant to leave. A bit of acting and the guard left, allowing me to see Neji.

I do not know why they were keeping me so far away from where Neji was resting. I entered the farmhouse where I had once been held, the corpse removed, and cloaks laid out for Neji to lay on.

I went to his side, fearful of his condition. He looked like the dead lying there. The guards told me it was just exhaustion, but did exhaustion cause you to sleep like a corpse? He did not even seem to be breathing. What if the guards lied? What if he was already dead?

I reached out to see if he was breathing, my head trembling as I feared the worst, but his hand shot up, catching mine.

His eyes opened. They glowed in the dark, like an animal's would. I had seen this before since I had only seen Neji at night before we came to the camp. The look of those eyes had always drawn me in; however, tonight, my breath hitched. There was something predatory, locking me in place as he sat up, never letting go of my hand.

As he kept me pinned with his gaze, he brought up his other hand, caressing my cheek tenderly. "My mate," he murmured, his chest rumbling as he spoke. "Have you come to relieve me?" he asked.

Though I remember his words, I still do not know what they mean. When I recall that moment, I cannot think. He did not appear ill. He wrapped his arm around my waist pulling me flesh against him, his thumb rubbing over my cheek as he had down by the river. He looked as if he would eat me whole.

I said yes, not knowing to what I agreed to. The way a smile stretched onto his lips made me not care. He brought his face towards mine. I did not move or dare to say anything this time in fear of stopping him. His face moved past mine, his lips brushing against my neck. I felt my heart would beat out of my chest or maybe stop. I do not know. My heart was as confused as my head.

He whispered my name, his breath caressing my skin. A shiver went down my spine, my body reacting to him. I sucked in air shakily, trying not to moan when I felt something sharp graze my skin.

It was short lived. The guard returned, standing wearily at the door. He called out to Neji as if he was nervous. In response, I swear I felt Neji growl, his hold on me tightening almost painfully. The guard murmured something. I couldn't hear it, but apparently, Neji could. Next thing I know, the guard was separating me from him while the guard who had gone to town restrained Neji.

Neji seemed crazed as he struggled, trying to get to me. I should have been concerned but instead, I too wanted to get back into his arms, wanting to be at his side. If I had to describe it, it was physically painful to be torn away, like a small part of me was being torn and abused.

The guard led me away quickly, telling me that Neji suffered from an illness at times where he was not aware of his actions, that he could hurt me without realizing it. He told me it was brought about from extended lack of sleep and food, agitating his condition, that most of the time, was not a concern. Neji had just been so worried about me he was willing to agitate his condition to find me.

Was that the actions of someone who might harm me? Did you caress someone so gently, look at them as if you were the only thing in the world before hurting them?

I did not miss that a woman was waiting outside the farmhouse even as I was being brought away to where there were now others, wearing the same uniform as the guards who had escorted me. I was kept in their care and provided food. When I asked about the woman, I was just told she possessed the medicine to make Neji better.

I never did see that woman again, but I did not like her being alone with Neji. I wanted to be the one at his side. I wanted to help him, not her.

As my mind settles down and I think back on it, I just confirm what I already know. If Neji had gone further. If he had kissed me or ravaged my body, I do not think I would have stopped him. I think I was prepared for it when he touched me. I wanted it.

As we ride back to Neji's home, Neji asleep in the back of a cart and I beside him, I realize how deep I am. I wonder if it is too late to climb out. Several times, I have caught myself, brushing his hair away from his face, seeing that color had come back to his face. This attachment I have, I wonder how far it will take me, how much I will lose myself to it?

We will reach the manor in a couple hours, maybe if I ask Haru he will allow me to make a home remedy to help his health. I want to make sure he does not regret coming after me, and maybe, if I am bold enough, ask him if what he did two nights ago meant anything at all.