This must be a new form of torture. God must be punishing me. How else do I explain this suffering I have gone through these past weeks?

After coming back from the camp, my mind was a mess. The constant worrying over Neji's health, I felt I would go crazy. But there was nothing I could do. I only know basic medicine and know nothing about Neji's condition. All I could do was sit and wait for him to wake. If not worry about his health, I worried about what his actions meant. So, I tried to make him something to eat for when he awoke, busying myself so I would no longer think about it. I don't know how many pots I threw out trying to get the recipe right.

Haru helped me procure the ingredients, helping me with the prep work in the kitchen though he wasn't a kitchen servant. He was clumsy but a quick learner. I had thought this before, but Haru seemed to be a very high-ranking servant. Though he probably works the most, he does not do hard manual labor or engage in fighting. He lacks the calluses most servants have, his hands relatively soft. Even Neji has more calluses because of his swordsmanship. Even so, he stayed in the kitchen with me the entire time as I experimented, offering suggestions when I tried to explain what it should taste like.

The day Neji woke up, I don't know how to explain what happened. I had a feeling that he would wake. I prepared the soup, doing the best I could heading to his room when the news reached me. I was nervous. Terrified. What would Neji say? Would he bring up that night? Would things change between us? Wanting to know, I entered his room before receiving permission to. I berated myself at my mistake, but did not back down, entering the room and feeding him.

I never thought that Neji wouldn't remember. Seeing his clueless face when I asked, I felt embarrassed. Only I was so worked up over a moment Neji had forgotten. It hurt. I should not have expected anything. I knew Neji had not been himself, that he was sick, and yet, I had hoped there was something more.

It was hard to stay after that, and I made an excuse to leave. My embarrassment aside, my worry had not lessened. Neji had eaten so little even compared to his usually small meals. It scares me. Haru must have noticed my concern. He assured me that after a day or so, Neji would be healthy once more.

I was happy when lessons with Naruto started once more. Naruto was good for lively conversation, especially when he started to slip and said things he shouldn't. Haru was always disapproving of Naruto's improper language, but something about Naruto is very warm. Everyone in this manor is always serious, keeping a somber expression whenever they were in front of Neji and I. I can only catch glimpses of their true character when I explore, and they do not expect me to be near. Naruto is friendly towards me and is not too concerned about acting properly. I enjoy his company.

I never expected him to be a homosexual.

I saw it on accident. Two days after lessons resumed, I went outside. The sun was beginning to go down, but majority of the manor was still asleep at this time with only the occasional guard nearby. Normally at this time, I would be eating a snack to tide me over until I could eat with Neji, but I decided to skip, opting for a walk in the garden. It was then I saw that Naruto had not left, rather, he was in the embrace of another man, one of the guards.

I was in shock. They were engaged in a passionate kiss as if they could not bear to be apart. In the past, I would have quickly looked away, pretending not to see and never speak of it again, but things were different now. This was what it looked like when two men were kissing. How was it any different than when a man and woman embraced? I could not tear my eyes away.

Naruto pulled away to breathe, managing to catch sight of me by chance. His face turned red, jumping away from his lover and apologized to me, begged me not to tell anyone. I promised. Naruto left before I could get my mind together, but I had so many questions afterward. What it was like? What went through his head? Was he scared to pursue a man as his lover?

I never got to ask. My lessons were canceled the next day, and I cannot help but blame myself. Naruto was probably too embarrassed and ashamed to approach me again. I only had myself to blame for Naruto leaving. I should have left upon seeing them, instead, I stared. I could not bring myself to ask Neji to bring him back.

I do not think I could if I wanted to. Neji had been acting strangely prior to Naruto's departure. He seemed hollow. I tried to approach him, but he would walk away upon seeing me. I could not understand why. I finally managed to get some of his time, intruding into his office while he worked to play Go. Our game went well, and Neji's mood seemed to improve. He still forgave me for my rude behavior, he entertained me though he was busy. He even worried about my health, warming the room for me so I was not cold.

I grew too confident.

I asked him to call me by just my name. I used that chance to gauge whether or not Neji felt for me. I was well aware that people here did not call others by their given name and usually not without an honorific. Naruto had taught me that early on. When I pressed, Neji back peddled and kicked me out.

I didn't see Neji for nearly a week. I had overstepped. Admittedly, Neji's rejection made me depressed. Without Naruto or Neji to see me, I had no one to talk to.

Haru is a good servant. It was obvious he did not speak much, but he did for me. He would sit in my room, sewing the holes in my clothes I had acquired from sword practice and tell me a folktale of this country.

There was a special type of creature in this world, not demon nor man. This creature was a pathetic one. It was strong, it never aged, healed its wounds quickly, and had many powerful abilities. But in exchange, it had to give up the sun, could never have children, and fed off the blood of humans. Though it fed on blood to live, he had no ill intention towards the humans it fed on. In fact, because of the guilt, for it was once human itself, he would give the humans good lives to make up for his crimes.

As time passed, the creature grew lonely. Because he never aged, he could never get close to the humans else he had to watch them die. And as the centuries passed, his loneliness made him bitter and lost, slowly forgetting his human feelings. Though he still treated the humans kindly and tried not to feed on them unless he had to, it was because it was a formality. His heart had grown cold.

His appetite decreased and he spent his days drowning in alcohol, contemplating whether his existence was better off dead, but he could not bring himself to end his life, for he needed revenge against someone who wronged him, who turned him into this monster to begin with.

When Haru told parts of this story every night, I could not help but think about Neji. He did not eat much, could not go into the sun too often, and seemed to have a darkness over him. I have seen him stare out into the night as if contemplating his existence. For some reason, the story made my heart bleed, bleed for Neji, and I always had the urge to find him afterward and hold him dearly.

I tried to think of ways to endear myself to Neji. I wanted to be able to approach him again. I asked Haru on what Neji considered desirable in partners. Haru told me that Neji appreciated those that were talented and cultured.

It was around this time that I discovered Haru's religion. He had gained enough courage to ask me if I was also Christian. He had confused my prayers for that of the Christian religion. He had not known others of his religion besides his mother and brother. Recalling Neji saying they were persecuted here; I doubt anyone would admit to it even if he had asked before.

It did complicate my feelings for Haru. Many of the wars I have fought in involved religion. I do not know how many Christians I have killed myself or how many of my comrades had fallen to their blades. I cannot help but feel hostility towards the religion, but Haru has helped me, had no intention of converting me and knew nothing of the hostility between the two religions. In respect for him and everything he has done for me, I decided to help keep his secret and never talk of it again.

About a week after Neji sent me away was when Neji started to bring women home. At first, I could not believe it. Neji never brought women to the manor before. I made a foolish decision to try to intrude. I grabbed a book Haru said was a well-regarded story and made my way to where he and that woman was. I tried to appear that I was reading, having read it through once already in case Neji asked me anything about it. Embarrassingly, I almost walked into a pond, but I did interrupt them.

Neji invited me over, and I tried to sound more Japanese. Cultured, Haru said. I glanced at the woman. She was beautiful and graceful. Was this the type of woman Neji liked? Could I compare? As she played the koto, I could not help but compare myself to her. I am not beautiful. My skin was scarred, my hair unruly, and she was also talented as she played for us. If this was the type of woman Neji liked, what chance did I have?

Neji even complimented her when she had finished, and I wanted to shrink away. What was I doing? Was this not proof Neji had no interest in men? How could I compare to a beautiful woman who could give him a child? I could not even offer money or power in compensation.

Neji asked me of my opinion, catching me off guard. I told him my thoughts, how it sounded like my qanun, reminiscing over it. I never expected him to ask me to play for him.

I was terrified. The thought of playing in front of him nearly put me in a panic. I had played for others before, but no one notable. Peasants, people who would not know my identity. I tried to make an excuse, but Neji kept insisting. Though I resisted, Neji's teasing convinced me to give it a try. I do not like losing, and I did not want to lose to that woman, as futile as it probably was.

Besides, Neji would not know what this meant. Neji knew nothing of my culture, so it should be okay. Once my hands were on the instrument, I longed for my qanun. I remember seeing the qanun players on the street, people dancing to the music as they celebrated, full of life. I remember going out into the towns just to watch them, jealous of their passion for life, wanting to be a part of it. I learned to play to fill the void in my life, to fill the loneliness I felt, to hope that I too could have a little bit of that passion for life I saw in those in the towns I passed.

I was conscious of every mistake I made in front of Neji, cursing myself for not being more skilled, for being unfamiliar with the instrument and not able to adapt between instruments flawlessly, but Neji's kind eyes and words, made me forget them. When he asked for another song, I obliged.

Neji is not someone who likes non-Japanese things. I was happy to be able to share a little bit of my culture with him, for him to like it and request for more, but he said the one thing that ruined the high he and the music gave me, that my parents would be proud of my skill.

I know Neji meant it as a compliment, but hearing it was still a slap back into reality. Neji would not have known. Male musicians were a disgrace. A gateway to sin and homosexual practices. Perhaps they were right as I am looking to engage in those practices. If my father knew, he would probably disown me and hide me away even more than before. Maybe he would kill me. It is not like he had not tried before. He would just have a legitimate reason for it this time.

I left Neji, hoping to get my thoughts together. Hearing that Neji had brought a woman to the manor was just the beginning of my suffering because Neji's room is not far from mine and the walls are thin.

I heard them. The woman specifically. I heard her moans of pleasure. I tried to cover my ears, but I could not block it out. I had to hear Neji make love to her. Not just that night. Almost every night after.

Every night it is like a knife is stabbed in my heart. I am left breathless, and the sorrow consuming. It is like the very essence of my soul was being trampled on, and yet, I found myself aroused, imagining myself in those women's place, that I was the one Neji was embracing. This painful arousal would cause me to quietly sob each time. It should be me. I should be the one with him, not them.

Haru found out about my predicament quickly. He would look at me with veiled pity, and I have no energy to get embarrassed or angry because Neji would come to me the next day, and I would have to pretend nothing happened. I would enjoy our time together, never wishing for it to end. Neji would continue to be kind to me, look at me with softened eyes that made my heart flutter, only to hear Neji with a woman later that night.

Haru started staying with me, trying to talk and distract me from the sounds, continuing his story. A human caught the creature's interest. The human was not like the others. The human had a weird way of talking and a strange way of thinking, piquing the creature's curious nature. Unlike others, this human did not fear him, instead, the human challenged him, finding the bit of humanity the creature had lost little by little, but the creature became afraid as he noticed the changes in himself. He tried to stay away from the human, but each time he tried, he found himself searching out the human again.

The story helped, but the pain was still there, threatening to drive me mad. Sometimes, the arousal was so bad, I still touch myself in front of Haru under the blanket, turning my head into the pillow to hide my tears. Haru would continue telling his story, pretending not to notice. I could not even be ashamed, too mentally exhausted as if drained. If I do not touch myself, I just suffer from dreams instead, the result being the same.

So began my endless loop of shame and suffering.

I am exhausted every day, wary of what the night will bring me. The only time I feel at ease is when Neji is with me. Though he causes my pain, his presence is like a salve, cooling and rejuvenating. When he touches me, my energy is restored, and I greedily want him to stay with me, but he always leaves me.

I wonder how much more of this I can take? These blissful moments I have with Neji, eating together, training together, playing Go together, talking and laughing as if we are the only ones in the world is only met with reality hours later. He'll come to me, showing his vulnerable side, asking me to play the koto he's gifted to me for him, asking me to give him my everything, only to lay with these women.

Why does he come to me if he has these women? Why did he bring them now when he had not before? Is this not hell?

And yet I keep doing things to raise my hopes. I demand his time, and he responds with eyes that make me melt, like I am the only one for him.

I am scared. Scared of how much I crave Neji, how I am willing to throw away my dignity for him and show the worst parts of myself and put myself through this again and again. I pray for forgiveness for my lustful thoughts, for my greed, for the shameful things that I keep doing again and again. And yet, I keep feeling this pull towards him I cannot escape nor have a willingness to try.

The past couple days had been more difficult for me than usual. Only now have I realized how much Haru's stories have helped me. With him gone, undergoing punishment, I was left without his voice to cover the noise. I feel like I am at my wit's end.

Stupidly, I went to Neji's room today when he was not there. I just wanted to see what he liked, so that when Haru returned, I could ask him to buy a gift for Neji on my behalf for our day together tomorrow. But Neji returned early. I heard the woman's voice outside, so I quickly hid in the closet. I was unable to close it all the way before Neji entered.

I saw something I shouldn't have seen. I cannot tell if it was a blessing or curse. I never wanted to see Neji with another. I wanted to get rid of that woman. I was jealous of her, hated her, the pain in my chest returning, but I also saw Neji, heard his heavy breaths, saw his naked shoulders as his yukata slid off them, heard the soft noises he makes during his lovemaking. As much as I wanted to look away because it pained me, I didn't, watching Neji's body, easier than ever to imagine myself beneath him. I covered my mouth to muffle my sounds and touched myself, moving my hand in rhythm of Neji's movements.

Neji and I climaxed at the same time.

The climax was so intense, I became careless once my body relaxed, hitting the wall. I almost gave myself away. If not for Haru looking out for me, Neji would have discovered me. I did not move when Neji left, feeling sick. I was disgusted with myself. Especially when a guard opened the closet door and looked at me with pity in his eyes. He felt bad for me despite my disgraceful state.

"You're lucky I informed Haru-san that you were in here," he told me.

He gave me a cloth to clean myself and helped me leave without notice.

I cannot do this anymore. This pain. This need. I cannot suffer through it. I cannot live wondering what I am to Neji or hearing him with these women anymore. I cannot allow myself to cry over him when I did not even cry when held prisoner and tortured. I hate seeing myself weak and vulnerable like this. I hate being at his mercy. The next time I have the opportunity, I will find out. For if this continues, I fear of what I may do, and I do not wish to find out.