I messed up.

I never meant to

I kissed him. It wasn't planned. He was sleeping beside me. I don't know what came over me. We were enjoying each other's company. We were laughing.

But when I kissed him…. He kissed back. At first. He woke up. He probably thought I was one of his women.

The look he gave me. He was horrified.

I didn't think he would let me return, but the guards let me in.

I don't know what to do. His rejection, it hurts. I want to die. I feel like I've lost direction. I shouldn't have done anything. I should have just stayed quiet. Stayed away. This feeling. I deserve this. I—

Neji should have just killed me.

Neji hasn't spoken to me in days. I haven't even seen a glimpse of him. The servants have changed as well. Some seem to look at me with pity, others with hatred. I haven't had the energy to do anything.

The night I returned, I broke down and told Haru what happened. Haru told me to give him time, but I know nothing will change. People don't love me. Neji was just a good person who saved me from my captors, nothing else.

The women stopped coming, but I am more miserable than ever. The anxiety to see him builds inside me but I have no courage to see him. Sometimes I think I see him, but those are just illusions made of my own desires. I think I'm going crazy. It may be best I leave here and chance getting back on my own.

I left the premises.

I could not take the silence anymore or the constant need to see him. The horrified look on his face haunts my dreams and my heart constantly aches. I left early morning when the guards are the most thinned out.

As I was about to climb over the wall using one of the trees in the garden, with a cloak and hat to hide my identity, Haru approached me. Rather than stop me, he said he wanted to come. He helped me over the wall.

I don't plan to completely run away. Not yet. I just needed someone I could talk to in my own language. Someone who might understand. I sought out Naruto. Haru brought me to his bookshop.

One look at me and Naruto closed his shop and brought me to his home. It was small and a little cramped with all the books. He had tall piles of books stacked in his home and barely any living space. He shoved all those books into a corner, making room for me, and scrambled to make tea.

I wasn't ready to talk originally, but he just smiled at me and talked about his business and the people he had met until I was ready. I am a bit envious of him. Naruto worked hard and had a passion. He loved books and shared them with people, urging people to read and sharing his passion with them. He was happy.

I had never been that happy. The closest I could recall was time at the military camp with Neji.

I was wondering how to bring up his preference for men when one of Neji's guards appeared. I was afraid he was sent to bring me back until I realized he was Naruto's lover. When Naruto's lover entered, Naruto's eyes were so happy and full of love. He got up, forgetting about my presence to embrace and kiss him. For this reserved society, Naruto's actions were very lewd and shameful, but he did not care. The guard looked at him with the same amount of love and affection in his eyes, holding Naruto around his waist ever so gently.

I wonder why Neji could not love me the way they loved each other. Seeing them, I am jealous. So much so I started to cry when I saw it. Naruto became concerned, trying to console me though he knew not why I was crying in the first place. Naruto is a good person. Maybe that is why I was unable to obtain anyone's love.

The guard undressed and changed into a yukata and started cooking and cleaning up the house. It was quite domestic. Apparently, Naruto was too busy studying and reading to care for himself and his house. I watched them argue loudly, biting words and swear words cropping up between them over little things, but they never seemed to be serious about the words they said. At times, it even looked like they picked fights just because. Despite the guard complaining about Naruto's mess and his constant studying, he never once complained when Naruto was with his books and ensured nothing bothered him. His consideration spoke louder than any argument.

It was nightfall when I finally asked Naruto over drinks. How was he so confident and comfortable? Naruto's bright exterior changed. He sobered up and told me he was terrified. If rumors circulated around him, his shop could fail, and he could be targeted for bullying. He lived alone and had very little savings, so it was even scarier. If something went wrong, he wouldn't be able to compensate for it. But the thought of a life without Sasuke was scarier for him. He loved him so much, he could not see his life without him. Leaving him was just not a factor, so he bared with the fear and hardships that came with it.

I told Naruto about what happened. Naruto cringed, scratching the back of his head with uncertainty. He was hesitant because Neji was a lord. He told me it may be different for me. Even if Neji loved me, having an heir took priority over feelings. My love being returned was unlikely.

I knew that. Had thought about it as well. Love was not a factor in marriage for the rich. Even in my own country. He tried to reassure me maybe it would work out, that there was a chance, but I was resigned to accept it. Neji would not love me.

In a strange way, I feel a little better. Naruto was one of the nicest people I've ever met. He was kind and generous but engaged in homosexual practices. Because of his demeanor and how pure his love seemed to be, it made me feel a little more normal. Not a monstrous sinner. I could not say I've seen such love within my family or palace and there was no love on the battlefield. Perhaps my preference, though sinful, was not the worst thing in the world.

Naruto conversed in Arabic for a while and taught me a little bit, gave me paper and ink to write with, and even gave me the futon.

I tried to refuse the futon, but he insisted. So here I am, writing in his house, Haru rubbing my ink, and Naruto and his lover cuddling by the fire falling asleep. If it wasn't a burden, I would ask Naruto if I could stay with him and work in his bookshop to earn my keep. Sadly, that would cause more trouble than help him. I wish I could do something to repay the kindness he has shown me.

I don't want to return to the manor. The sadness and grief and hope I feel as I pray that Neji will forgive me is suffocating. But I know I'll return. I understand what Naruto means. Staying away from Neji is difficult. Even in this situation, I want to go to him, beg his forgiveness, beg for things to return to the way they were.

I wonder where my dignity went. I heard people in love were foolish. I can attest to that now. For I am a fool, still hoping it was a misunderstanding, and that he will come for me and help me fill the void his absence has left.

Fool is too kind of a word. Insane would be much more fitting.