A young child sprinted across the bank of the river, the sharp rocks tearing up his feet despite the thick calluses. He clutched something packaged in thick leaves to his chest. He ran with a smile, protecting the item carefully.
He had done small favors for the store owner for a long time in his spare time to finally get this. How long had it been? Two months? Maybe three? He was worried the owner would be cruel and go back on his word, but the owner had been kind. He did not beat him like the others had and had given him a chance. Now he had received his reward for all his hard work.
Neji, seven years old ran, into the dilapidated part of town, houses barely standing. He went to one house, slightly separated from the rest of town as if it had been isolated from the rest. Hearing grunts and moans inside, the child waited outside, squatting next to the door waiting. He did not know how long he waited. His stomach gnawed on itself in hunger, and he shivered from the cold. His cheeks were red, and his small fingers were numb and blue, but he did not dare go inside, quietly waiting.
Eventually, a man walked out, glancing down at the child. Neji kept his gaze averted. He did not like it when those men looked at him. It made him uncomfortable. Some would ask him if he was a girl. When he said no, some would mutter shame and not look at him again. The ones that kept looking at him afterward made him scared. A few had grabbed at him, but thankfully, he had always managed to escape.
Fortunately, this man did not spare him a second glance. Once the man had exited, he went inside. His mother was sitting up in bed, clothes and appearance disheveled. A bruise on the left side of her face was mostly hidden by her tousled hair. Her eyes were vacant, staring out into nothing.
"Haha-ue," the child spoke up timidly, approaching her like a wary animal, extending the parcel to her. "It's anko."
Though he had been timid, he tried to smile for her. He was sure this would make her happy. And yet…
She swatted the parcel from his hands, spilling the food from the packaging. When he bent down to collect the food from the dirt, his mother stood up, grabbed his hair, and dragged him to the back of the shack they called home so she could beat him until he was left bloodied and partly conscious.
He could only see out of one eye, the other so swollen he couldn't see out of it, staring at the fire his mother sat beside, holding the only blanket around her shoulders to ward off the cold.
He did not understand. The men who always came to visit his mother would sometimes bring her sweet things. He thought if he did the same, she would be happy with him. He turned down food so he could give it to her.
"Why do you exist?" his mother muttered into the fire. She talked to herself more and more these days, sometimes forgetting he was even there. "If you weren't born, he wouldn't have left me. I could have been his bride. I wouldn't be living like this." She curled up. "I should have killed him when he was born. Why'd did I give birth to trash. Why else would Hizashi-san not want a second son?"
Neji sat up. His small body hurt, but he did not cry, and he prayed his stomach would not growl too loudly and draw his mother's attention again. Nothing had changed. This was the norm for as far back as he could remember. The words his mother said were normal. Whether she was beating him or not, whether she was talking to him or not.
But something inside him that day finally understood something. He could not gain his mother's affection. He should not speak to her because he was not meant to be heard. He was not supposed to exist. If he tried, his mother might kill him because she did not want him. She never did.
So while his mother ate the food she prepared, he sat in the corner quietly, waiting for her to go to sleep so he could eat the scraps, but not too much where she may notice. His stomach twisted painfully, but he endured in silence, knowing tears and begging would only result in another beating to come.
His mother died his 9th summer. Not that is made a difference. As he aged, he had stayed away from home more and more as more of those disgusting men started to look his way. He hated his face. It made him memorable, and he received marriage offers because he was mistaken for a girl. Sometimes he thought of taking those offers to steal from his "husband" and running off, but his pride would not let him.
Now 11, he would work odd jobs for very little. It didn't matter what. He even killed someone once. As long as he could survive. Who cared how he did it? If he didn't do those jobs, he would starve. War was all around him, people died every day. The weak died. That's just what happened in this world.
After his mother died, he wandered from town to town, staying briefly until he pissed off the wrong person. He was wandering the streets of a new town when he saw his new target. A traveler going through town. His clothes looked to be on the newer side, but he had no guards with him. All who stood beside him was a man in his teens. The target was probably a merchant who managed to be quite successful.
If Neji stole from him, he wouldn't have to worry about food for a while.
He stalked the man for a while, waiting until he was distracted and in a crowded place before running into him and pickpocketing his string of money and walking quickly away. Easy.
He left the area quickly, going so far as to leave town so he wouldn't be easily found. He walked around in the forest for a while, bidding his time before he thought it would be safe to go back.
As he walked, he came across a newborn deer hidden in the brush. Its mother appeared to be away, or maybe it died. Whichever it was, it was defenseless.
Neji picked up a stick. His dead eyes stared at the fawn with indifference, approaching the animal that cried out weakly for its mother. It was annoying.
He raised the stick, swinging down hard and fast, aiming for its head. The stick did not connect. Someone behind him grabbed his arm. Panicked, Neji tried to pull away from the man, but his grip was strong without hurting him. "Let go, bastard!"
At his request, the stranger let him go, and Neji fell back on his behind. The man who had grabbed him was the man he had robbed earlier. How had he been found so fast?
He did not run immediately, eying the man with distrustful eyes. He was ready to make a run for it, but he needed to do it at the best opportunity that would give him the best chance to escape.
"Were you going to kill it?" the man asked unexpectedly.
"So what if I was?" Neji snapped back. "What's it to ya?"
"Why?"
Neji just stared back at him rudely. "'Cause I was bored," he said matter of factly without any remorse.
"I see. Is that so," the man responded. "No other reason?"
"No. Why's it a problem to you? Are you that fawn's mom or somethin'?"
Despite Neji's vulgar way of speaking to him, the man did not seem upset, kneeling calmly to pick up the stick. "No, but why can I not protect it because I want to when you attack it because you wanted to?"
What was this man up to? He did not seem angry with him. Neji was even more surprised when the man threw the stick to him, landing in his lap. "You want to hit something right? Try to hit me."
Neji stayed put, still unsure of what this man was trying to do. The man waited patiently, waiting for Neji to make the first move.
Slowly, Neji made it to his feet, stick in hand. He could try to run, but he did not think it would work. The man found him easily last time, and Neji did not think he could outrun him without a head start. Did he have to do what this crazy man said?
"Come now. Attack me."
Without many options and frustrated by his situation, Neji ran forward, swinging his stick like a sword. The man merely dodged. "Again," he said.
Grinding his teeth, he attacked the man over and over, growing more and more frustrated when his attacks would not connect. Each attack the man would dodge effortlessly, not even raising his arms to defend himself.
It wasn't fair. Why did he have to put up with this? Why did he have to deal with this man making a fool of him just because this bastard had nothing else to do with his time? Why did those with money look down on him because he had to beg and steal to survive? They weren't born into poverty. He couldn't raise his status. No matter what he did, he would be stuck scraping by until he got sick and died, starved, or his luck ran out and he was killed. That was how things worked. There was no escaping it. He wasn't afraid of death, but he would not go down without a fight.
His breathing heavy and ragged, he cried out in frustration, throwing the stick at the man who caught it with ease. "Bastard, stop playing with me!" he screamed. "If you're gonna kill me, do it."
The man raised his hand. Neji closed his eyes waiting to be hit. Instead, the man's hand rubbed his head, further messing up his already dirty and tangled hair. Neji opened his eyes, seeing the man squatted before him. He looked at him like no one had ever done before, with kindness. He didn't look at him like an insect that had crossed his path. "I will not hurt you. I just wanted to teach you a lesson."
"Lesson?" Neji asked quietly.
The man smiled at him. "It is a man's duty to protect those weaker than him. Everything, from the sky to the earth, from the gods to the smallest insect. Even the rocks and dirt beneath your feet have a soul and we should treat them as such. We should not kill or destroy for fun and life should not be treated lightly. A real man knows this. Are you not a man?"
"Everything… has a soul?" he asked him quietly.
The man's smile widened. He did not seem to have pity in his eyes. The man had to have been in his late twenties, early thirties. He had a light beard and low cheekbones that made it look like he had permeant bags under his eyes. "Are you without parents?" he asked him.
Neji's guard immediately rose. He knew of child kidnappers, ones that aimed for children that would not be missed. "They work the fields. Why?"
The man did not fall for his lie, nor did he call him out on it. "You have a strong grip and a lot of courage. Would you like to learn swordsmanship?" His grin widened.
Neji's eyes widened. "Are you a lord?" he asked, realizing he had been very close to crossing someone he shouldn't have.
"I am. Would you like to become my disciple? It will be a difficult path. You will have to work and study very hard. But if you make a name for yourself, you might be able to become a samurai. Would you like that?"
A chance to change his class? That was possible? It could not possibly be real. Good things did not happen to him. People were not this kind. It had to be a trap. "Is what you're saying true, my lord."
"Why not ask my other disciple." The man turned around calling out into the woods, "Shukaku-kun, come out."
The teen that had accompanied the man came out from behind a tree. Neji's eyes were immediately drawn to him. He was the most handsome man he had ever seen. A few years older than Neji, he was just starting to really hit puberty. His hair was long and unruly, and a sword was strapped to his hip. "Master, are you really going to take him with us? He stole from you."
His master chuckled. "Let us have a meal first at the inn before we discuss further. Is that alright?" he asked Neji.
Neji's stomach growled. If what this man was offering was sincere, he could not pass up this chance. The worst that could happen was he could die. "Yes…Master."
"Isn't my new little disciple cute? My name is Sarutobi Hiruzen. What is your name?"
Neji blushed in embarrassment. "Neji…"
"Then, Neji-kun, could you recommend an inn for us to stay in? It can be your first task."
Neji nodded, glancing one more time at the teen before taking the lead. For the first time since he was a young child, he had a little hope for the future.
"Are you studying again?" Shukaku peered over Neji's shoulder, staring at Neji's culture studies with dislike. Shukaku did not like studying. Not when it came to culture. He preferred the art of war. Not that Neji also did not like studying swordsmanship and war tactics. He was eager to please his master who had given him another chance, so he studied whatever his master told him to and more.
"Master says, to be cultured is to be civilized… and I still find Chinese characters difficult," Neji admitted. He did his best to study, but when writing, he still made mistakes often even after three years.
Shukaku leaned on him to read over his shoulder. Feeling his weight and heat, Neji found his cheeks heating and his heartbeat quicken. This had been happening recently, and Neji could not understand why.
Shukaku groaned, leaning back. "With the rise of the sun, only to study from sunrise to sunset. Do you not wish to have any fun?"
Fun? He never had time to play before. Why would he do it now? "Master said he would test us soon. Should you not study too?"
"How can I study now?" He pulled at Neji's arm. "There is more to life than just books. Master is gone today, practicing diligently at every moment won't do you any good."
Neji sighed. Shukaku had been urging him out for a while, and he knew Shukaku would not leave him alone for a good long while, inhibiting his studies. "If I go with you, will you let me study in peace?"
Shukaku grinned at him, making his heart sputter. "I swear on my honor."
Neji sighed but ultimately decided to go with him. He found he had a hard time saying no to his senpai. He was charismatic and the people around him loved him. Neji was no exception to that charm.
Neji did not know where he would be taken, but he did not expect it to be a beautiful mountain waterfall. The water was clear and cool, the area around it was flush with greenery. Shukaku called it his secret hideout. The place he came to when he wanted to slack off.
The first day Neji was brought to this hideout, it rained. Shukaku dragged him under the tree, taking off his haori and placing it over Neji's head to help keep him dry. "Shame. It was sunny not that long ago. What poor luck."
His face was so close to Neji's. Neji could hear his heart beating in his ears. Why did he get like this around his senpai?
His senpai was always kind to him. Sneaking extra food for him, taking him out to experience new things. Though he slacked off, he was skilled with a sword, and always took time to teach his kohai. Besides his master, Neji looked up to him. Even when they were caught, Shukaku would take the blame.
He would step up and bow deeply to their master. "It is my fault master. Neji-san had never had a chance to try sake, so I brought him out. He isn't to blame."
Their master would punish him, but there was a look master would give Neji at those times. A look of pity. Neji supposed he felt bad that his student had lacked so many things. He was grateful to his master, and to his senpai for giving him a way out of his old life. Even if he could not rise to another class, he was happy being here.
It was not all fun and games. In his fourteenth year, and Shukaku's eighteenth year, they went to war with another lord for the first time. They spent six months repelling their attackers. Their lord led them well and fearlessly, guiding the younger men and alleviating their fears. But it was his sixteenth year when Neji started to make a name for himself. Shukaku was known to be Sarutobi's right-hand man, but he was sent to another battlefront. Sarutobi became injured during the fight and the second and command failed to take charge, panicked at what to do. Neji stepped forward, organizing the chaos and relaying the appropriate orders.
Thanks to Neji's leadership, they managed to escape with minor casualties. While the second in command was furious for Neji rising above his station, his master awoke and praised him. It was the beginning of Neji's rise.
Shukaku and Neji continuously showed promise in battle, their names spreading as the reapers of death on the battlefield, and Sarutobi's swords.
The battlefield was chaos, but it was something Neji had grown accustomed to. There were constant territory disputes among the lords. It was the norm. But the thing he did not like seeing, that he could not get used to, was when the men would go to brothels.
After Neji's first journey to the battlefield, their superiors brought them to a whorehouse. Neji had proved himself of being a real man by surviving, so it was time to learn how to be a man in other ways, to learn how to please his future wife. He did not like his first time. He was nervous and uncomfortable, and it reminded him a lot of his mother. It was a night he would rather forget.
So in the future, when his comrades journeyed to such places, he avoided it, but his mood was always sour when they went out. Because Shukaku would always go. He did not know why it bothered him. It did not matter if the others went. Just Shukaku.
One night, he went, just because Shukaku was going, but seeing a woman he had never met before latching herself onto Shukaku was too much, and he left despite his superior asking where he was going.
He thought about what it meant. He liked when he had his senpai's attention. Liked when his senpai touched him. Had a hard time looking at his senpai's body without getting embarrassed. He had suspected something for a long time, but he had a hard time believing it.
The day after, he asked his brother to go to that hidden spot with him. His brother was surprised it was Neji who proposed to slack off for once.
Neji undressed, wading into the water to cool off. It was well into summer and seeing everyone in the nude was rather common. Neji tended to avoid looking at his comrade directly during those times if he could help it, but today, he came to verify something.
He heard his senpai undress behind him. He could hear his clothes hit the ground, and him moving towards the bank.
Taking a deep breath, Neji turned around, seeing Shukaku in all his naked glory. His throat caught. His eyes traveled down before he could help himself, settling on his senpai's hanging member. His blood ran south.
He looked away, sitting down in the water. Why was his luck always so bad? How could he be attracted to his senpai like this? He was a pervert.
"Hey, you alright?" his brother asked.
Neji swallowed a lump in his throat, trying to appear calm though on the inside he was freaking out. If his senpai found out, what would he think? He might never speak to him again.
"Neji?" His brother was leaning against him again. His naked skin pressed against his.
Neji stood, grabbing his clothes off the bank. "I remembered there is something I need to do for master. I will leave first."
He escaped as fast as he could, trying to hide his erection, praying it was not seen by his senpai's watchful eye.
The realization was hard for Neji to accept. Pretending he had no feelings towards his brother even more so. Somehow, his brother was touchier than ever, hanging on him whenever he had a chance, always speaking closer than necessary or spending his spare time with him.
Neji and Shukaku continued to show promise. By 20 years of age, Neji had won enough battles his master officially made him a samurai, gave him a title, and a small patch of land to call home. Even so, Neji spent most of his time at his master's, and therefore, his senpai's side. Shukaku had gained his title through his father who had died on the battlefield at Shukaku's side a couple of years prior.
With his new status, came marriage proposals from father's trying to marry off their daughters to the promising new warrior. Neji always turned them down without a second thought. He only had one person in his heart, even if he could not have him.
One night on Neji's 24th summer, Shukaku brought Neji to the secret hideout. Since discovering his feelings for his senpai, he had avoided coming here, not wanting to give himself away. Tonight, Shukaku had asked him to share sake and take a drink to brotherhood. As usual, Neji could not deny the request.
Under the moonlight on the banks of the river, they shared a drink, swearing brotherhood.
Neji drank from his cup, staring up at the moon. He was a greedy person, wasn't he? After gaining so much, he still wished for more. He, more than anyone, knew he should never ask for more than what he was given.
"Hey, Neji-kun, what do you fear most?"
Neji looked over at his brother whose cheeks were flushed red. Shukaku had a mostly empty liquor bottle at his side, his body swaying a bit.
"Why? Plan to use my weakness against me?" Neji asked.
Shukaku smiled at him, tilting his head to the side attractively. "If I say yes, will you still tell me?"
Neji chuckled, drinking the rest of his sake. "Perhaps."
Shukaku's smile turned sad, pouring himself more sake. "Dreams plague my sleep lately. The recent battles have grown more fierce. I have begun to wonder. If I die, will I have been able to obtain everything I desire or will I die with regret?" He laughed at himself. "Shameful thoughts, aren't they?"
No. Wasn't that a natural desire? Not wanting to die with regrets? If it was his brother, he was sure his brother could obtain anything he wanted. He had the wits and skill to do it. "It is not shameful," he replied in a subdued voice. "Those who do not desire anything, are either monks or liars. Whether they have the ability to obtain them or not is another story." He smiled shyly at his brother, "and I believe you can obtain whatever you desire."
"And what is it that you desire?" Shukaku asked. He looked at him with those large brown eyes, expectantly.
Neji looked down into his empty cup, becoming lost in the moonlight's reflection. "Love," he whispered. "It is something I have never had. But I could never ask for it."
"Oh?"
Neji knew he could never ask for Shukaku's love. Shukaku was at the age where he should be seriously looking for a wife before he turned thirty, and he needed an heir to pass his land down to. Neji knew not to dream for the impossible.
Shukaku leaned in, shrinking the distance between them. Neji could smell the alcohol on his breath and feel the heat from his skin. "That is one desire I can fulfill for you." A lazy smile stretched on his lips, before he connected them to Neji's in a very short kiss, pulling away almost immediately. With a warm voice and loving eyes, he said, "I love you."
Neji's mind could barely comprehend what had happened. The man he had been in love with since his eyes had laid upon his form 12 years ago was saying he loved him. Shock turned into embarrassment, and then to anger.
He stood abruptly, turning his back on his brother. "Your jokes have gone too far. Quickly sober up and return home."
He ran away. His brother's jokes were too much this time. For a brief moment, when their lips were connected, he had hope that his wish had come true until reality came crashing down. Shukaku was known for jokes. He wouldn't have realized what a kiss would do to him. Neji intended to pretend it never happened to preserve their friendship.
The next day, Shukaku acted as he normally did, and Neji had to conclude that it was indeed a drunken joke. He tried not to feel disappointment, reminding himself it was for the best and that he had responded appropriately by leaving. He would just have to be more careful in the future.
However, late that night, as Neji was leaving his master's estate to return home, he was pulled into an alley. Neji attempted to pull out his sword, but a strong familiar hand held his wrist and kept him from drawing while another hand covered his mouth. "It's me."
Shukaku was pressed against him, keeping Neji from moving with his body. He was breathing hard as if he had rushed to cut off Neji's path. His strands of hair had fallen out of its ponytail, sticking to his face, giving Shukaku a disheveled look, his lips parted as he breathed heavily.
He was too close. Way too close.
Neji pushed him off, whispering harshly. "Have you gone mad? What are you doing?"
"You have avoided me all day, how else was I to speak to you?" Shukaku said. "We need to speak of last night."
So Shukaku did remember. "Do not worry, brother, I have already forgotten it. I will not speak of it again." He just wanted to go home. This was starting to become painful. He had told Shukaku his desire to bring him comfort, not for it to be used against him like this as a joke.
"And what if I do not want you to forget?"
That pesky hopeful feeling rose in his chest again. Wasn't Shukaku taking this joke too far? Wasn't he being cruel when Neji had graciously chosen not to use his drunken words against him?
"What if it's true?"
"Brother don't," Neji said weakly.
"I think… I think I may be in love with you."
Neji lost feeling in his legs. He had to lean on the wall to keep himself standing. Japanese men did not say the word love easily. It was a word that existed in written works but was hardly said aloud. They were not expressive with their love either, showing their affection through small moments and a few whispered flowery words in private, yet he had heard it from this man's lips twice within a day's time.
Neji's cheeks turned tomato red. Shukaku's lips were close, he could just lean forward to kiss them.
A cold chill slithered up his spine followed by quiet whispers of a woman in his ear. You are not worthy of love.
"Brother, you should cease these jokes before someone overhears and believes your words." He escaped from his brother's grasp, putting distance between them. "You should not take your words lightly. It could harm your house."
"Are you rejecting me?"
Neji had no heart to say yes out loud, but he had to put a stop to this false hope immediately, so he remained silent. "If you will excuse me, I will take my leave first."
He needed to leave, get his thoughts in order and strengthen his resolve, but as usual his brother wrecked his plans. "I do not know why you would ignore my confession, but I will work for you to acknowledge it even if you do not accept my feelings."
Neji hurried away; his brother's words heavy on his mind. Neji was a guarded individual. Though he got along with his comrades, his trust only extended so far, but he trusted his master and Shukaku unconditionally. They were the first ones to accept him and pretended they did not know his background, giving him a clean slate at life. Loving a man was not normal. He did his best to hide it for years even if he was slow at acknowledging his feelings.
He convinced himself it was just another one of Shukaku's jokes. That it was all a ruse. He wanted it to be. Squash hope. If he expected nothing, he could never be hurt, and he would not jeopardize his reputation he worked so hard to achieve. He knew how fragile it all was. His common birth was hated by some. They wanted him to fail.
To his word, Shukaku continued to make his resolve known. His touches became a little more suggestive. In private, he would say how much he liked him, shower him with pretty words that would make Neji's ears turn red. At first, he tried to avoid those situations as it made him uncomfortable. Shukaku would get bored, he kept telling himself. Just hold out a little longer and Shukaku would change his game. But Shukaku persisted for over half a year, wearing down Neji's defenses, giving him that hope.
Little by little Neji started to respond to those advances, not immediately rebuffing him, not pushing his wandering hands away, sometimes letting his blush show, and when he was tired from battle or suffered from nightmares of the past, he would lean into those moments, unconsciously seeking comfort. Shukaku was always there as he had always been.
One day, there was a battle that did not go their way. Most of Neji's unit died. Neji, rather than staying and fighting to the end, knowing the battle was lost, focused on getting the survivors out to fight another day. The few people he saved were thankful to him, but everyone else called him a coward and his actions dishonorable for not fighting to the death.
Neji, unlike others, understood the importance of living to fight another day. Though he kept his distance from those around him, he tried to make decisions that had the fewest casualties while maintaining victory. Fighting a lost battle made no sense when they could return another day.
It did not mean their words did not hurt him. He questioned his worth and his decisions. Was he really a warrior? His master said his sword was meant to protect the weak. If he could protect his men when he could, he did, but fighting until the end when there was no point, he just could not do.
He knew he did the right thing, but his doubts still plagued him. Shukaku was there. He was playful but when Neji was distressed, Shukaku was somber, just there for him when he broke down into tears. Shukaku would only smile, wiping his tears away.
"Who is this man who cries?" he said, holding Neji's face tenderly. "Let any man who slanders your name show their own accomplishments. None can ever compare to yours." He kissed his forehead, making Neji cry more.
He gave in to his advances. When Shukaku went to kiss him, Neji kissed him back. Shukaku held him, whispering comforting words to him, showering him with sweet words and compliments and kissing away his tears. He was tired of fighting it. Tired of being alone. Tired of pretending he was stronger than he was. Why could he not have the person he loved.
"Only you can be so alluring when you cry," he said, putting his forehead to Neji's. "So cry only in front of me."
Neji nodded, holding him closer, crying until he fell asleep in his brother's arms.
For the next year, they stole moments. There was no word for what they were doing. Courting did not fit as there was no marriage in the future. They were just secret lovers, though due to Neji's reluctance, they never progressed past kissing and once a hand job after becoming drunk. In part, it was because Neji was scared. His experience with sex, seeing his mother and the time at the brothel were not pleasant memories, and he had no idea how two men had sex. He did not want to perform poorly.
Shukaku did not seem to mind Neji's hesitation in moving forward. Neji would go to his house or Shukaku's to his, and they would lay in each other's arms talking late into the night.
Shukaku moved his hair, kissing the back of Neji's neck affectionately. "I have a meeting with Haruno-san tomorrow. He wants to join houses."
Neji's content smile immediately dropped. Shukaku pulled him closer, nuzzling into the crook of his neck. "I must have an heir. You know this."
"I know," Neji replied. He knew for a long time that eventually this would happen even when this relationship started, but the thought of him belonging to someone else and having to smile about it made it hard to be next to him. "Perhaps I should go home tonight."
"Neji-kun," Shukaku held him closer. "You know I will never let you. No matter what happens, you will always be in my sights. "
It calmed him down some, but the hurt was still there. "I know."
That conversation set a fire in Neji to talk to the only other man he knew that had the same weird preference he did. Neji had found out by accident several years ago and had avoided him since, but he had questions he wanted to be answered.
The man was apprehensive when Neji asked to talk. He was an older soldier whose reputation was already fragile. When Neji asked how two men had sex, the man understood his predicament. It prompted Neji to talk about his partner possibly getting married.
It was inevitable, the man told him. To continue the family line, to pass down assets and wealth and titles, a male heir was needed. In the end, they would always get married, needed to so that their legacy did not die with them. Those men would keep their male lovers on the side or stop seeing their male lovers all together. In short, Neji could not be greedy. He would never have Shukaku to himself.
Neji had already made the decision long ago that he would not have an heir. The things he achieved he only wanted to share with Shukaku because he earned it with him. Why have a son to inherit his hard work? He never planned to marry, but Shukaku had to for his family.
Armed with the knowledge he sought, he tried to mentally prepare himself to bring up sex. As scared as he was, he did want to take that final step, wanted to share that moment of connection with his lover.
His chance to do so kept being snatched away. With another possible war coming, his master was on the preemptive, intending to get the advantage before it started. He sent Shukaku to handle the affair.
Missing his lover and mind full of worries, he was absentminded when his master called him to his side. His master was starting to get up in age, about to enter his fifties. Though his mind was as sharp as ever, he was not as strong and starting to get sick more often.
He liked to take walks in the gardens and often he had taken his disciples with him when they were younger. He made sure that they took time to appreciate the beauty around them in between their training. Both he and Shukaku had grown an appreciation for flowers and plants. Shukaku really liked the tsubaki flowers, taking up the hobby of cultivating his own garden of them within his estate.
"I hear you turned down another marriage proposition," his master said opening conversation.
"Yes, master," he replied with little thought. When would Shukaku return?
"The Uchiha family is a good family with a good reputation and wealth. It is going into your 25th summer, yet you seem uninterested in the thoughts of marriage."
Was his master going to nag him about marriage too? His silence made his master stop and look at his grownup disciple. "Tell your master of your concerns. I cannot help if you do not tell me."
Neji looked into his master's ever patient face. His master had a war face that put fear into his enemies, but when it came to him, his master was nothing but patience and understanding.
"I understand that my sword is to protect the weak. I take your teaching to heart and would do nothing else. But I cannot help but hate things that are weak, things that cannot protect themselves. Women are inherently weak and delicate. While I do not mind protecting them, I find it difficult to share my life with them."
"That is a problem." His master stroked his beard in thought. "Indeed, women are fragile creatures, but they have their strength in unexpected places. When you marry, you will understand."
"Yes, master." Neji bowed. He was not brave enough to tell him he had no plans to marry.
His master gave him the critical eye then randomly said, "I have heard, that my disciples have become rather close these days. Hardly a day goes by when you two are not seen together."
Playing it normal, Neji replied evenly, "he is a childhood friend, my senpai, and sworn brother. Would it not be strange if we were not good friends?"
"I am pleased to see you both get along well," his master agreed, but there was something in his master's eyes that seemed off, almost like worry. "But I worry you admire him too much. Shukaku often played tricks and his words charmed. He is my precious disciple, but I cannot always say he always has good intentions. I cannot tell if he's a kitsune or tanuki."
"I trust senpai. He has never given reason for me to doubt, so do not worry master."
His master sighed, placing his hands on Neji's shoulders. "You are a good man, Neji-kun. I have always thought of you as a son. As I lack an heir to give my wealth to, I would ask you to consider my proposal to bring you into my household and marry my daughter."
A shadow fell over Neji's heart though he kept it from his face. He thought of his master as the father he never had. His master had raised him and even bestowed upon him a surname. He owed his master much and being his real son was something he had always dreamed of, but not through marriage. "May I take time to carefully consider your proposal master?"
"Of course. Please don't keep me waiting too long."
It was a great opportunity. Neji could become a lord, but what about Shukaku? He did not want to leave him. The thought weighed heavily on his mind. If Shukaku married, there was no reason he could not, but he wanted Shukaku to be the only one in his sight.
He contemplated whether he should take the offer. If Shukaku was to marry, maybe he should as well. He wanted to talk it over with Shukaku to get his opinion. At Shukaku's return, his heart was at ease seeing him. Everything would be okay.
He told Shukaku of the proposal. At first, Shukaku said nothing. He held Neji as he had always done, but his hold was becoming a little painful. Was he angry? "If it upsets you, I will turn it down."
"No, this is a good opportunity for you," Shukaku told him much to Neji's surprise. In truth, he was hoping Shukaku told him no as he did not want to get married. "Just wait three days before you accept. I want our moments together to remain untainted for a little longer."
"Alright,' Neji sighed. Maybe he should bring up sex before his engagement went through. Neji's thoughts derailed when Shukaku started to kiss him, missing the feel of his lover's lips on his skin.
Shukaku kept him inside those three days, giving Neji his first blow job and teaching Neji how to give one. Though Neji kept thinking of bringing up the final step, and finally joining their bodies together, he was unable to either losing his nerve or, when he did gather the courage, Shukaku would derail his thoughts. Neji never knew such pleasure, existed and he was weak to it.
Eventually, Neji had to leave to give his answer to his master. Shukaku was gone before he woke. Neji did not blame him. He did not want to be around Shukaku on the day he accepted a marriage proposal either.
A time and place had been given the day before. Neji was to go at night. Not unusual as he and his master had spent the night drinking in the past. His master wanted to praise Neji and Shukaku for their recent accomplishments and reward them while Neji was to give his answer. As this was supposed to be a celebratory moment, drinking was to be expected.
Neji walked into the estate with no problem, but something felt off. As he walked to where he knew his master's room would be, it was too quiet. Even the light in the room was off.
"Master?" he called out. He heard a strange sound from the inside. Something was not right. Lips thinning, he went inside.
His blood drained from his face at the sight. His master, crumpled on the ground, dagger in his back, a pool of blood around him. "M-master?" How could this have happened? They were in the Sarutobi household, the safest place for his master. How could he be dying?
His master was trying to crawl to him, a trail of blood on the floor from where his body dragged. His heart was pounding in his chest. All he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears.
His master coughed, spitting up blood, finally pushing him into action, going to his master's side and pulling the dagger out of his back. "Master," he croaked out. He was scared. No terrified. He held his dying master in his arms to shocked to even cry or say anything else. To him, his master had always been invincible. There was no way he could die like this.
His master with his dying breath, looked up at him, asking, "Why? Why did you do this?" The last of his breath left him.
"Neji-kun," the sound of Shukaku's shaking voice behind him startled him, finding Shukaku standing right behind him with shock and horror in his eyes. "What have you done?" Shukaku took a step back.
What?
"Guards!" Shukaku called out quickly retreating.
Two guards came in to drag Neji away. Words could not come out. His brain just shut down, staring at the blood in his hands. He couldn't be gone.
He was locked away as they conducted a quick investigation led by Shukaku. Shukaku would save him, he thought. He was the only family he had left. Shukaku would know he would never harm the master.
But he could hear the guards, people he had once talked to and drank with talk behind his back.
"How could he just kill his master like that? Sarutobi-sama trusted him so much."
"What do you expect? He was a thief and bastard child the master picked up off the street."
"Hn, trash will always remain trash no matter how well you dress it."
He didn't know how long the investigation was supposed to last, but it ended before Neji could get his bearings. A couple of hours at most. He supposed he should have been grateful they did not kill him on site, but he hoped that being kept alive and summoned would mean that they had some faith in him.
He barely even had a trial. Gagged, they read out the evidence against him. At the scene of the crime with his master and an angry letter supposedly sent by Neji clutched in his master's hand at the time of death. The letter's contents were read aloud. It was blackmail against Lord Sarutobi into handing over his daughter and wealth, claiming Neji forced himself on her to have her and force a marriage.
It didn't make sense. Sarutobi was going to do that anyway so there was no point in Neji ever doing such a thing. Surely someone would know Sarutobi's plans. Shukaku knew. He had to speak up for him. His eyes looked at Shukaku pleadingly and with hope.
But Shukaku would not even look at him, and Neji began to panic. Why would he not say something? Neji told him. He told him what the master had proposed.
Sarutobi's fifteen-year-old daughter was brought forth. She was a thin woman with long hair that came down to her waist, asked if the contents of the letter's allegations were true. Neji had met her before. She was a timid woman, cultured, and graceful. Her mother had died during childbirth, and Sarutobi doted heavily on her, giving her whatever she wanted.
She was helped to the trial by a maid who supported her. The maid claimed the princess was still in shock over her father's events, and it had affected her health.
The princess broke down into tears, saying that it was all true. Claiming Neji had done it while Shukaku was away. Neji tried to tell Shukaku with his eyes that it wasn't true, that he had never been unfaithful to him. However, there was no one to verify where Neji was that day. When Shukaku was gone on missions, Neji often did not spend time around people unless he had to, and Neji was one of the few people who could go in and out of the mansion without an escort, making it more likely he was the killer.
The princess went further, saying it did not matter if her reputation and honor were ruined, if she could never marry, as long as her father's killer was brought to justice, she had to speak up.
In horror, Neji watched his lover go to her side, saying he would pay for his brother's mistake and take her as his wife to keep her honor intact. His heart shattered. His brother did not believe him. His brother was not going to stand up for him. He had been abandoned.
"Justice for my master's death will be served," he announced loudly. He finally looked down at Neji as he said, "Hyuuga Neji will be executed at sunset tomorrow for the crime of murdering Sarutobi-sama."
Stunned. Neji had no other word to describe what had happened. Everything was falling apart around him and powerless to stop it.
People around him were shouting insults at him, throwing rocks at him in their anger, all the while, Shukaku watched. But Shukaku did not seem tortured that he had just sentenced him to death. He did not even look sad. Rather, Neji thought he saw amusement in those eyes. Neji almost broke all together was when he recognized that look. Whenever Shukaku would tell him he loved him, he had a similar look which Neji had mistaken for love because that's what Shukaku said it was. Only now did he recognize the truth.
He tried to tell himself it was all a lie. Shukaku had loved him. He had to believe it. It was all he had. He was barely stopping himself from shedding tears. He had to believe.
Shukaku leaned down and whispered into his ear as if he knew what Neji was thinking. "Did you really believe I meant what I said? That I loved you? I would never stoop to that level." He pulled back far enough for Neji to look into his eyes and a small smile to grace his lips "Trash should remember its place."
Neji closed his eyes, tears falling. Though his heart cried in anguish, he did not make a sound. Just shut down, completely unresponsive. This was punishment. Punishment for daring to believe he could rise above his station. Punishment for believing that loving a man was natural. He had made the gods angry with his arrogance and now he was paying for it.
The guards did not take him back to the cell. No, he was taken in the direction of the prison, but, once out of sight, they made him take a detour. They tossed him to a group of men who put a bag over his head and snuck him out of town.
The group stopped in the forest. Neji did not know where. They held him down, forcing him to inhale drugs that sapped his strength away. Neji's movements became uncoordinated and weak, unable to fight off what was to come. He couldn't even stand up straight.
"I heard you wanted to know what sex with men is like?" One of the men said to Neji, holding Neji's chin to keep his head up. "Aren't you a perverted bastard?"
"Maybe he wanted to be a eunuch," another joked. "Why else would this bastard want to be fucked by a man."
Just like eunuchs, men on the receiving end of sex were not considered men. The old soldier had told Neji that when he had explained it to him. Probably because they were taking the woman's role. He was going to take that role for Shukaku. Now he was being mocked for it.
"Then ain't he lucky. His wish is about to come true." A third man said.
It took too long for Neji to understand what that meant. Dread spread throughout his body instantly. He tried to escape. His kidnappers had let him go when they drugged him, enjoying Neji's struggle as he tried to even take two steps without falling.
The fourth man forced him to the ground easily, yanking his hair back so he could say in Neji's ear, "You sure look like a woman, you sure you're a man?"
Neji flashed back to his childhood. Of those men who would ask that with lustful gazes.
"Luckily he has a pretty face. Wouldn't touch him otherwise even with that payment," another said walking around to the front. "You hear that," he said louder, kicking Neji onto his back. "Someone paid for you to have sex with us. You're not a samurai anymore. Just a whore like your mother."
Neji continued the fight as best as he could, but it was futile. When he did not comply, they strangled him until Neji felt his eyes bulged and sometimes lose consciousness. When the drug wore off, they just dislocated his shoulder and hip. They beat him, berated him, as they took turns raping him. They removed his gag just so they could hear him scream, dislocated his jaw when he tried to bite down.
The most humiliating moment was when one of them said he was enjoying it, mistaking Neji's uncoordinated and weak movements for enjoyment rather than trying to escape when they forced him to service two of them at once. He said, "Look at him. He really is a whore."
Weak and helpless. He was what he despised. He was a child again. Unable to help himself. Back to where he started.
He was trash. He wasn't supposed to live. This was punishment for living.
They did not leave until the next day, leaving Neji for dead when he no longer moved and barely breathing. Not even a proper burial and leaving his body for the wolves and birds to feast on.
With the little strength he had, he tried to pull himself to somewhere someone would find him. His efforts were met with tumbling down a hill, body and mind completely broken.
He was found by, Hiashi, a wandering apothecary in his late forties collecting herbs in the mountains. He became Neji's sire.
When Neji woke, he had already gone through the change. The damage had been so bad he would have died without it. The apothecary did apologize for changing him without his permission; however, Neji could not bring himself to care.
He sat in bed, like a doll. He would not talk. Would not eat. He only stared out into nothingness. His mind just kept replaying the events over and over again. What had he done wrong? Could he have seen it coming?
He made excuses for Shukaku at first. He was under stress. He was only doing what people expected of him. He had so much more to lose than Neji did. But as he thought about it, the more it did not make sense. Shukaku knew about the marriage proposal. Even if he thought maybe Neji had been lying, there should have been doubt as Neji had expressed his hesitance at the proposal. The people who raped him had said someone paid them to do so. Shukaku was the one who had found him. Shukaku had called the guards without hesitation. Shukaku was his judge. Shukaku never let him explain. It was guards who worked under Shukaku who handed Neji over.
His first reaction to realizing it all was grief and self-blame. Grief turned to anger. Anger to hatred. And finally, revenge.
Shukaku ruined him. Took everything away from him. Shukaku had risen him up to knock him back to the bottom. Not again. He would build himself back up, gain power again, and take his vengeance.
And if he didn't like men, this never would have happened. Shukaku would not have taken advantage of him. He would not have had to suffer that humiliation and shame. If he was going to take revenge, he would have to get rid of his weaknesses. This perversion, this attraction to men, it stopped now.
He forced himself to learn how to sleep with women. Forced himself to dispel any thoughts of it being possible men could be in a relationship with one another until he was disgusted and sick by the thought.
With his sire's help, he was introduced to Kakashi, an old friend and bodyguard from his sire's human life who had followed him into his immortal one. With the spiritual world now open to him, Neji sought not only human connections, but spiritual ones too, making connections with gods and demons, getting them to owe him favors.
Little by little, he gathered power. Sugo joined him soon after, just before Shukaku disappeared from the public eye. Neji still believed he was alive and continued to amass his power. Revenge was all he lived for and he would have it by any means necessary.
Centuries passed. His human emotions dulled as they remained enslaved to Neji's anger until it was the only thing left for him to hang onto, but that too began to dull as lead after lead ended in failure.
Without revenge, he was empty, and he knew it. If he lost his revenge, if he stopped looking, there would be nothing left inside him. So, he never stopped. He couldn't bear that emptiness again. He had to have a reason for his existence.
And then, one day, a foreigner shipped in a box was presented to him...