Chapter 17 - Wounds Come in All Forms

After our game, I went up to Frank. "Can we talk?"

He nodded and followed me to my room. "I wanted to ask you - how are you doing, Frank?"

He took a deep breath. "I'm scared."

I smiled at him. "I know."

"I'm not sure I want to be a leader, or a praetor, or anything."

"I know. None of us ever feel ready to lead."

He sat down on my desk chair, looking worried. "What if I do a bad job, or lead my friends into dangerous situations, or -"

I shook my head. "Well, first off, we get into plenty of dangerous situations whether or not you are the one leading us. I don't think you're going to do a bad job, Frank. In fact, simply because you are already worried about doing a bad job makes me know you'll do a good job."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Sure it does. Do you think Octavian ever worries about doing a bad job?"

"No. No he wouldn't."

"Right. You care about the people under your command, Frank. That's why you'll do so well."

He smiled at me. "Thanks, Annabeth. You're a great leader. I hope I can be half as good as you."

I blinked away tears. "You know I wasn't ready to command either. When I was twelve, the last head counselor of the Athena cabin died. It was…. Rough. I wasn't the oldest in my cabin, but I had been at Camp the longest, so the job fell to me. I got put in charge of a whole bunch of kids older than I was, all of whom were grieving, and told to handle it." I shook my head, remembering how crazy that had seemed.

"You were twelve?" Frank asked, sounding shocked.

I nodded. "Yeah, that was just before Percy came to Camp. Our head counselor got killed by a family of Cyclopes when he decided to sneak out of Camp. By the time Percy got there, I'd mostly settled into the role, but it was rough. I worried about my siblings not accepting me as their leader, and if I'd do a bad job, and well, a lot of the stuff you were worried about."

"How'd you learn how to do it, then?"

"Step by step. Moment by moment. And find other leaders you can talk to, bounce ideas off of." I smiled at him. "I can be one of those, if you'd like. I'm happy to give you any advice you need."

I saw his shoulders visibly relax. "Thanks, Annabeth. That means a lot. But what about when we go back to America - I mean, we'll be across a continent."

"I can show you how to Iris-message. It's not working on the ship, probably Gaea doing something to make sure we can't get help, but when we get back, I'll make sure to show you." Then I had a thought and quickly snatched up a blank sheet of paper from my desk. "Here. My phone number. Uh, it won't work while we're in Europe, I don't have an international plan, but when we get back, you can call if you need."

He smiled. "Thanks, Annabeth."

"Did you want to tell me….. I mean, you mentioned a problem, before, you know, Rome and…."

He nodded, looking….. Wary? Scared? Not exactly. I couldn't quite tell. "Yeah. Uh, Leo, actually. He helped with that. It's a long story, but, uh. I'm safe now."

"Your Achilles's heel is protected?"

"Yeah. I think it is."

"Good. Let me know if I can ever help with that, or anything else, ok?"

Frank yawned. "Now go, get some sleep!" I told him with a smile. He waved goodbye and headed down the hall.

That night, the nightmares found me again. This time, I was seven, trying to fend off two harpies with nothing more than a hammer. I was so scared, and the hammer couldn't kill them since it was a mortal weapon. At best it did some damage and annoyed them. I had scratches all over from their claws. I managed to distract them and ran into an alley. I hid behind some sheet metal, trying to catch my breath. My mom had said this was the right place to be, that I'd find help here. But I was still alone, still hurt. The metal got yanked away from the wall and I flew out at the monsters.

I woke with a start. I knew the end of the story - it hadn't been monsters but Luke and Thalia. But the feelings had all come back to me. I got down on my floor and pulled out the teddy bear, then sat and held it while I focussed on my breathing. When I finally calmed down, I realized that I could hear noises from across the hall. I grabbed my sword and went to check. The sounds were coming from Percy's room. I knocked on the door, gently, realizing I still held the teddy bear in that hand.

"Percy?" The sounds intensified. I didn't want to go into his cabin alone if he didn't want me, but I also couldn't stay here if he was in trouble. I opened the door gently. "Percy? You awake?" I poked my head in. He was asleep, but muttering. And drooling. I walked in and closed the door. I didn't need to worry about chaperones - Coach Hedge was gone and Buford the Wonder Table didn't bother me. I leaned the sword against Percy's desk, which was an absolute mess. I stepped over to him and put a hand on his shoulder as he cried out "Bob!".

"Percy. Percy. It's Annabeth. You're not in Tartarus, ok? You're safe." His face turned confused, his eyes flew open and he sat up like he'd been shocked. I placed a hand over his mouth before he screamed and woke the others.

"Percy. It's Annabeth. You're in your cabin on the Argo II. You're safe. You're not in Tartarus. Ok? Look around, look at the cabin." I pulled my hand away.

Slowly, his eyes flicked around the cabin. His body was stiff as a board. His breathing was harsh and ragged. His eyes were huge saucers. I sat on the ground near his bed, but far enough that he wouldn't jump-react and hit me. "Percy. You're having a panic attack. It's ok. It's… well, it's fairly normal after trauma. Ok? I'm going to help you through it. First things first, here." I handed him the bear. "Hold this." Percy looked confused, so I placed the bear in his lap. "Touch it. It helps break the bad thoughts. Notice it's fur. Notice the color. Notice the eyes. Touch it."

Percy's hand shook, but he reached his hand out to pet it. Slowly, he stroked the head of the bear. "Good. Now smell the air. Deep breath. Smell the wood of the ship. Smell the cotton sheets. Smell the sea." I watched him breathe in. His eyelids closed. His breathing calmed.

He looked at me, shaken. "Annabeth -"

"It's ok. This is normal, ok? Don't be embarrassed. You'll be fine in a few minutes." My voice stopped. That was a lie. "Ok, you won't be fine. But you'll be better. Promise."

He nodded and clutched the bear to his chest. I kept talking about little things, happy things. I started with our first real kiss in the canoe lake. Reminding him of the little details - the way the water felt, the rocks at the bottom of the lake. His body relaxed. After a few minutes he looked at me again.

"How long -" His voice broke. I grabbed his water bottle from the desk and handed it to him. He took a sip gratefully. Then he looked at me, wary. "You knew what to do because this happens to you, doesn't it?" He asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"How long -"

"Mount Tam."

He nodded and looked at the bear. "And the bear?"

"Yeah, uh, don't mention the bear to anyone."

He grinned at me and I grinned back. Then he looked away. "So, the panic attacks. Do they ever go away?"

"Sort of. They can get better, at least. You learn how to handle them, shorten them. Some of the things that bring them on can stop bothering you."

"But you still have them." He said, pointedly.

I shrugged. "Probably I'll always have the occasional one. They're worse now, since we just went through -" I stopped. We both knew what we went through, why mention it.

Percy nodded slowly. "So that could be why it's happening to me now."

I nodded back. "Stuff like that? Percy, we didn't just go through trauma down there, we went through trauma that brought back other trauma with those aurai. It's like… well, think of it like a battle wound. It heals, but sometimes it still bothers you. Down there, we got all re-injured in the same places, and some new ones. It'll take time to heal. And we'll probably always be a little different. But that doesn't mean everything is ruined."

He nodded again and handed me the bear.

"Is there anything else I can do?" I asked him. He looked at me and held out his arms. I slipped into his embrace. "What was the nightmare?"

He went stiff against me, clearly remembering the terror. "Uh, Rome. I grabbed for you and I…. I missed. Just that one scene, over and over again. Watching you fall away, not able to do anything."

I tried not to cry when I heard that. I would've been dead for certain if I'd ended up in Tartarus alone. Finally, when I could speak, I managed to say, "But you caught me. We're together."

We sat like that for some time, and I started feeling sleepy, when Percy sighed.

"You're a lot better than a teddy bear, Wise Girl." He pulled me down to the bed, gently. We fell asleep that way, me cradling the bear, Percy cradling me.

We woke up the next morning and realized that it was already past our normal wake-up time. I didn't exactly want the others to know Percy and I were in the same room together. He stuck his head out into the hall.

"It's clear. Go." I ran out with the bear and made it to my room. I shoved the teddy bear under the bunk where I kept it and grabbed some clean clothes. I went to the girls' bathroom and got ready for the day. I went to check on Piper. She was still asleep in her cabin. Based on her face and the twitching she was doing, it wasn't a good dream. I shook her shoulder. "Piper? Piper, we're here. Piper."

Nothing. I shook her a little harder. Her eyes flew open. "Hey, we made it to Sparta." I told her. "Can you get ready?"

She looked shaken. "Yes. But first, there's something you need to hear."