Chapter 12: To Be or Not To Be (A Hero)

Back and forth. Back and forth. The rhythm of washing her floor was soothing to Ayumu, almost like meditation.

She had a great deal on her mind. It was Sunday already, five days after she'd been called to the meeting with Detective Tsukauchi, and she still had no answer. It seemed like whenever she came close to making one, she would inexplicably shy away and go back over all the reasoning in her head once again. Each time she flip-flopped: yes, she would help; no, she would refuse. She couldn't decide.

Others had undoubtedly noticed her distraction. She'd had a few weird looks and some general questions about how she was doing. She gave them all some sort of reply to try to put them at ease, with varying success. But she was no closer to an answer, even with all that thinking.

Invading another person's mind… Doing that for medical reasons was one thing. At times she was even unsure if that was a good use of her Quirk. Acceptance had come slowly over time, with the doubt pushed to the back of her mind but never completely gone.

This though was an entirely different kettle of fish. She wasn't even sure if it was legal - didn't people have a right to their private thoughts? For her to go digging around looking for evidence of crimes didn't feel right. But if the police said to do it, it had to be legal… right?

That wasn't the only thing bothering her. She always tried to make it clear that her Quirk was dangerous, to the point of being an alarmist. People had been hurt, and people had been killed. She wasn't just being dramatic. While she was still a child, she'd sworn to never risk more lives by using her abilities recklessly. Then as an adult she'd taken her physician oaths, which were essentially the same thing. It would be completely against the grain for her to just forget what she'd promised and believed in for so long.

Remembering the few who'd suffered because of her Quirk was excruciating. She quickly shut those thoughts away and tried to think of anything else.

A vision of her own palms drenched in blood rose before her eyes despite her efforts. The effect was like an electric shock making her entire body jerk violently. She buried it again, mercilessly. What she wouldn't give to erase that memory forever. If only her Quirk could work on herself!

Conveniently, a distraction arrived just then. There was a series of knocks at the door, making her look up in surprise. No one was supposed to be coming over today.

As she set aside her mop, Onimaru ran past her towards the sound. "Dammit, Oni." She frowned at his pawprints across her newly cleaned floor. But that quickly passed as the cat began pawing and crying at the closed doorway. That was as unusual as an unexpected visitor.

Ayumu went over and cracked the door to peek out - not something she normally did, but Onimaru's strange behavior had made her cautious.

Her lanky, lion-maned neighbor was waiting outside. The day was warm and sunny so Yagi-san wasn't wearing a coat or other cold weather items, and was instead wearing more casual clothes. An unfortunate side effect was that with his arms and collar exposed, Ayumu could see just how emaciated he really was. To be sure, she'd previously seen the signs in his hands and neck, to say nothing of his sunken cheeks and eyes. But now she could see how the skin was stretched tight over individual bones, with the tendons showing prominently at the slightest movement. As a doctor and as his friend, it was a stab to the heart.

She was a professional though and didn't let her emotions show. "Yagi-san? What brings you here today?" she asked, opening the door wide. Onimaru instantly slipped out and began rubbing against his legs.

Strangely the simple question seemed to take him aback. After a pause, he said hesitantly: "Er… I thought we were going to get lunch today?"

There was an instant where Ayumu had no idea what he was talking about. Then their morning conversation from days earlier came back to her all at once and she gasped, eyes going wide. "Oh my god, I am so sorry! I've had so much going on - not that that's an excuse, I should've remembered somehow." She wove deep bows through her frantic apology, feeling like an idiot and the worst sort of friend.

Fortunately Yagi-san didn't seem angry. He waited out her embarrassed babbling and offered her a kind smile when she finally paused to breathe. "No need to apologize. I take it that the problem from the other night is still weighing on your mind?"

That was something else she'd been trying not to think about. Some parts of the evening were fuzzy, but she remembered enough to know that she'd come close to making a fool of herself. Her face heated up and she confirmed his guess, apologizing some more.

"No trouble. Everyone reacts to stress differently," he reassured her.

"Yeah, but I know better than to drink when I'm trying to solve a problem," she protested. She brushed her bangs away from her face, frowning in self-reflection. "I might've been able to make a choice already if not for that dumb decision."

"Can I help? I mean, if you're not busy with something else right now…"

"Oh, no, I can't ask you to…" Ayumu's protest trailed off and she abruptly changed her mind. "Actually, that might really help. Do you mind?"

"Not at all."

"Do you want to go for food or…?"

"Actually, why don't we take a walk around the neighborhood? I've been so busy at work, I still haven't gotten to know the place yet," he confessed with a sheepish smile.

"Sure! Just let me go get changed. I'll be right back."

He agreed and she shut the door partway (it felt rude to shut it completely, but silly to leave it open wide) and ran to her room to change out of her comfortable home sweats.

What to wear? Ayumu flung open her wardrobe with her entire focus on that question. Staring back at her were all sorts of colors, fabrics, and styles.

She approached it systematically. The day was sunny and unseasonably warm for so early in spring. That ruled out heavy winter clothes, unless she wanted to drown in her own sweat. That didn't leave much - she hadn't yet begun switching out her winter outfits for lighter spring ones. The clothes were in storage and were clean, but they might be wrinkled; she should stick to the wardrobe options.

Looking over the modest options, with nothing really jumping out at her as a great selection, something occurred to Ayumu. It was a vague thought, more of an image than words. The image of Yagi-san standing outside her door, dressed in a polo shirt and long pants, different from the winter outfits she'd seen him in previously. It was casual but not sloppy. She wanted her outfit to look at least as nice. It'd be embarrassing for them both if she looked like a slob by comparison.

Then a bit of color caught her eye. It was a light peach-colored dress that she'd bought a few weeks ago in expectation of spring. Truthfully, she'd been saving it for a special event, but this could be a trial run. There was also a light white half-jacket that went with it, to look nice and just in case the fickle spring weather changed. She quickly changed and bolted back to the door where her neighbor waited.

He was making a heroic effort to satisfy Onimaru's insatiable demands for affection and attention while he waited. The big cat was always on the lookout for a captive audience to oppress.

"Sorry for making you wait," she said, feeling oddly nervous. She tugged at the bangs over her left eye, wishing that she could've had time to do something nicer with her hair. But she couldn't make Yagi-san wait anymore for her own mistake.

For a moment he didn't respond and just stared at her, making her flush with self-consciousness. "W-What? Is there dirt on my face?"

He jumped and quickly looked away. "N-No, there's no dirt. I… was just thinking that your dress looks nice."

That cleared her embarrassment and she smiled back happily. "Thank you! I just got it recently!"

Her appreciation of the compliment looked like it bolstered Yagi-san's confidence and he returned her smile. "S-Shall we go?"

"Sure. Oni, are you coming too?"

The big silver cat fixed his intelligent blue eyes on her. "Eeeeeyowww!"

The three of them descended the stairs and headed to the gate. Onimaru zigged and zagged, sniffing his home turf to be sure no other cats were trying to move in on him. The sun shone down gently as sparrows darted around overhead and sang from the trees and rooftops. It was a perfect day for a walk.

"I hope being busy at work is a good thing," Ayumu said with a mild inquiry tone. She was curious about his career but didn't want to push if it was something he couldn't share.

Yagi-san was quiet for a bit and then sighed despondently. "I'd prefer to have no work at all."

'Brilliant, Ayumu, just brilliant," she chided herself. Time for damage control.

"I'd also like to have no work. I'm sure most doctors feel that way."

That earned her a small chuckle. "Without a doubt many professionals feel that way."

Stepping out of the apartment complex, she directed Yagi-san to the left. Most of the neighborhood amenities were in that direction, as well as the park. The plan she had was to head that way and then suggest they get some food and take a rest - she worried that he would be tired but too proud to admit it.

"Back that way," she said, gesturing to the right, "are things like chain restaurants and other businesses. This way we're going has smaller businesses and more traditional neighborhood staples."

He nodded and she pointed out some of the more well-known residents of the area (or at least their homes) as they made their way down the street. The area was mostly residential, though the main street real estate had been claimed by businesses since that's where the most foot traffic was. The majority were small cafés, though there were also some bookstores and discount shops.

"Down that side street on the right is the sento," she continued, pointing at the distinctive arched entryway. "It's cheap and the baths are great. It doesn't get too busy either since most of the homes around here are new construction."

"Ah! That's good to know, I always enjoy a good bath!" he said enthusiastically. He craned his neck to look past her in the direction of the building.

"Me too. They're very relaxing after a long day and fantastic on cold days. And it's great that it's so close."

"This neighborhood tour is already going well," Yagi-san said, giving her another friendly smile.

She returned it. "Glad to hear it."

"At the risk of ruining the mood, would you like to talk about the problem? Granted, I don't have a clear picture of what it was - something about your Quirk and All Might?"

The tone was light but Ayumu flinched slightly; she was still embarrassed by her behavior that night. "R-Right. Well…"

As she thought, her eyes wandered up to Yagi-san's; suddenly she was overcome with a feeling of heat and quickly averted her eyes again. "That… other day, I was asked to go to the police station. A detective there told me about some murders he was investigating - which I can't tell you about, of course."

"Of course."

"The problem I'm having is… well, it's personal." The words were so difficult for her and she struggled to translate her emotions. "It has to do with my Quirk. It's… useful for treating some mental disorders but… it can be dangerous. A long time ago I…"

The confession was on the tip of her tongue. That long ago tragedy which haunted her every step, especially when she had to call upon her Quirk. Something about the older man felt so safe and trustworthy, like she could tell him anything. But at the same time, she didn't want to tell him. She didn't want to see the horror and disgust on his face when he looked at her afterwards. If he would look at her.

Ayumu couldn't do it. "A long time ago, I promised to only use my Quirk in medical ways. So I can't reconcile the police's request to search minds with my vow. It's so easy to cause unintentional damage in another person's head. How can I risk harming people, even to track down a murderer?"

Even the thought made her sick to her stomach. No villain deserved the sort of torment that a crumbling mind brought.

Having listened patiently and sympathetically to Nozomi-san's plight, the true reason of her reluctance was becoming clearer. Toshinori had been so sure that her unhappiness was because of All Might's presence, despite her surface civility. But it really was because she was worried about the well-being of innocent civilians. It was a mix of emotions: he was relieved that she didn't seem to hate him as All Might, rueful that she appeared to be so tortured by what should've been an easy request, but strangely satisfied that she would take it this seriously. She was the right sort of person to be a doctor, he thought proudly. And she would've made a good hero.

Apparently his thoughtful silence unnerved her: after a moment he caught her staring at him with an apprehensive look. He hurried to reassure her that he understood what she meant and that it made complete sense.

It worked - her expression cleared and she gave him a relieved smile. His own nerves eased as well. He'd finally given the right sort of answer.

"Ah," she said as her eyes lit up. "That over there is Nomimo-no Meguro, the neighborhood izakaya. Their beer is fantastic."

Toshinori followed the direction of her gesturing hand and spied a small storefront. A large wooden cask with the izakaya name emblazoned on it sat beside the sliding door with a large red lantern on the opposite side. At the moment it looked to be closed, not surprising for a drinking establishment so early in the day.

"It looks nice. Unfortunately I can't drink alcohol."

"I remember. But it's still a good place to meet up and get to know your neighbors. The owners are pretty understanding too." Then she laughed. "Of course, if I'm there drinking and eating with you, I doubt they'd even notice that you hadn't touched anything!"

"You're a regular?"

"Pretty regular. I mean, I can't go every night, but I try to go every week. And the owners know me, so…" Nozomi-san shrugged.

A short distance up the road he spotted a small convenience store, which she informed him was the closest one to the apartments. But they weren't walking that far - a wall of trees was on their left, signaling their arrival at a local park. Nozomi-san pointed at the entrance to guide him in, saying that the park was the gem of the area.

It was beautiful. Tiny green buds dotted their branches, but the real showstopper was the flower blossoms. Pink and white blooms adorned the limbs, with cascades of them fallen across the ground and benches in a multicolored carpet. The main walkway was like a hallway of flowers.

"This park is amazing," he said.

"Yes, I love it here," she replied. "It's great for getting exercise and it's also nice to grab a bite from the convenience store and just sit and people watch while you eat."

"That sounds like a relaxing way to spend an afternoon."

"It is."

As they strolled and talked, Onimaru-kun ran ahead and pounced onto a slowly fluttering mass of petals, trapping it beneath his massive paws. His tail lashed proudly at his victory. But it seemed the lack of resistance made him lose interest - his head suddenly jerked around to where another flower was falling, and with a slight wiggle he charged at the new target with joyful abandon. This one he knocked out of the air, rolling and kicking at it until it fell to pieces between his jaws.

The sight brought a smile to Toshinori's face and he heard Nozomi-san laughing beside him too. A short distance away, two preschool employees were shepherding a gaggle of toddlers, all of which seemed equally fascinated by and terrified of the tiny lion. It was a tiny, wholesome, metropolitan park.

"Let's sit for a bit to talk," Nozomi-san suggested, nodding at the closest bench.

It surprised him somewhat. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no, not at all," she replied hurriedly. "But I wouldn't be able to enjoy the scenery if we're discussing such a serious subject. I figured we could continue the walk afterwards. I mean, if you still want to."

"Ah, yes, of course! I would still like to!" he said quickly. "I was just worried that you didn't feel well!"

She visibly relaxed. "No, no, I'm fine." She then gave him a warm smile. "For all that you're so self-conscious about your appearance, you seem much more concerned about the well-being of others than about your own."

It was apparent that she intended her comment as a compliment and he flushed. "Y-Yes. It's a bad habit of mine."

"That's relative. I think it's endearing." Then she made a stern face. "Though you should have a care for your own health too!"

"Yes, ma'am."

The mild reply made her laugh and the minor tension was broken. They made their way to the bench while Onimaru-kun continued running and rolling among the petals. Their light chat continued for a few minutes before subsiding into amicable silence.

Toshinori considered the best way to continue their somber discussion. A part of him wanted to let the subject drop in order to lighten the mood, but who else did she have to talk about these things with? Who did a psychiatrist talk to about their problems? It was the least he could do for her.

He cleared his throat to begin. "Nozomi-san, I'd like to give my frank opinion."

"Absolutely, I want to hear it."

"I think you should help the police."

She reacted with just a sharp inhale. It made him worry - had he offended her? It was just his honest opinion.

Thinking that she might be getting angry, he continued talking to try to explain himself. "I'm not trying to say that your concerns aren't valid. I understand and agree that causing harm is a legitimate fear. But wouldn't it hurt you more to do nothing and discover that innocent people were harmed by inaction?"

Reassuringly, she wasn't glaring at him or even frowning. She was just staring straight ahead, obviously deep in thought. It looked like that loosened her professional grip on her expression - emotions flowed across her face like waves across the ocean. At last she leaned forward and put her head down, clasping her hands in front of her knees.

"I'm just so afraid," she mumbled despondently. "I don't want to hurt anyone."

It'd been a long time since Toshinori had inherited One For All from his master. Those early, chaotic days were foggy in his memory now (though his master's face was as clear as ever). He could only recall a few moments as a teen when the power of the Quirk felt beyond his control. But he'd done plenty of rescues of people who had control issues. There was always a special kind of fear in their eyes - the fear of having one's own body turn against them. That same fear was in Nozomi-san's voice.

"That's not so unusual," he said comfortingly. "Every professional Quirk user has to deal with those same doubts and risks. It's what you do when confronting them that really matters."

"Like not backing down because of fear?"

"Exactly. There's an old saying that courage isn't a lack of fear. It's getting done what you need to despite being afraid."

There was another stretch of silence while she mulled over his words. Pink petals continued to shower around them, an interactive playground for Onimaru-kun. He ran to and fro, swatting them down like a maniac.

"Do you think All Might ever worries about that sort of thing?"

Fortunately for Toshinori she was still looking down at her feet as she asked the question or his reaction might've raised some suspicions. He twitched and the thought again occurred to him that she could have some way of reading his mind. Was there some part of her that suspected the truth? Had she seen something in his dream that gave him away?

He chose to play it cool. "I'm sure it's never far from his mind."

She exhaled but continued to lean forward, contemplating the pale concrete. A bit late, he suddenly realized that an honest answer meant to be reassuring might instead have frightened her more. All Might was the Symbol of Peace and was supposed to handle anything thrown at him with ease. A suggestion that he wasn't as put-together as he seemed to be was unthinkable to the average citizen. And Nozomi-san had already had her faith in All Might shaken - would this compound that issue?

For a few moments in the lovely spring afternoon he mentally kicked himself for not thinking through his responses. He really hadn't changed much since high school.

But by some miracle she didn't react as he'd feared. Nozomi-san sat up straight again, though she still wore a pained and distressed expression.

"All Might worrying… That makes him sound almost like a normal person," she said with a weak chuckle.

The relief at her response was tempered by the continued concern that she was starting to suspect him. This time he carefully considered his reply before opening his mouth.

"Well… Even heroes have to take off the suits and become normal people at times."

A shorter but more lively chuckle to that. "I can't picture it. All Might is more like an alien than a normal person in spandex."

"A-An alien?!" he blurted.

"Yeah." For some unfathomable reason, this swing in the conversation banished her melancholy and she became animated. "I mean, have you seen him? He's huge! I have no idea how he rides the train or anything! And that one day I met him at the hospital when he was wearing civilian clothes, I had no idea how to react. It was one of the most bizarre things I think I've ever seen."

Well… shit. He'd never had anyone call him bizarre to his face before. Or an alien. Not that she knew she was addressing those comments to the man himself. Probably. But at least she seemed to be feeling better. Unsure how to reply, he settled on a non-committal cough.

Outburst over, Nozomi-san leaned back and tilted her face up to gaze at the treetops in full bloom. She wore a frown, but this time it looked like one of thoughtfulness rather than emotional turmoil. Another sigh escaped her lips, chasing away an errant petal.

"All right," she said in a firm voice. "I'll help the police and All Might. I still don't think it's a good idea, but I'll trust that their judgement is correct about this."

Toshinori couldn't help but smile. "I'm sure when the villain is caught you'll look back and know that you did the right thing by helping."

"I hope so." She turned to him and her expression unexpectedly melted into a soft smile. Before he could react she reached up and deftly plucked a pink petal from his hair.

"Now, how about we continue the neighborhood tour?"