Chapter Ten: Love Is A Battlefield
Yanmegaman: Howdy folks! Sorry to have kept you waiting for so long, but rest assured this story is not on hiatus again! We are getting close to the end, guys, so do remember to cast your votes for Team Wright or Team Edgeworth! And also be ready for a showdown next chapter…
JP: We are rounding the bend folks! It's not too late to get your votes in on the poll in my profile and decide which suitor, Sir Red Knight or Sir Blue Knight will win the fair maiden's hand - YOU hold their fates in your hands! Enjoy this latest installment from my fave punny man!
"And finally, at a blistering 1.5 million on the Scoville scale, is the Carolina Reaper, the hottest pepper in the world…" Edgeworth continued to drone on about the earlier topic of peppers, which Maya was now suddenly so interested in, much to Phoenix's ennui...and annoyance!
And at an incredible 10 million on the arrogant asshole scale is Miles Edgeworth, also known as the most arrogant asshole in the world! The lawyer fumed angrily to himself. Seriously, ever since he stood up for that kid at the diner, she's eating out of the palm of his hand! Hey Maya, remember me? Your defense attorney best friend who defends people... for a living!?
"Holy cow! And people seriously eat that?! My face would melt off!" Maya exclaimed as she continued to walk ahead of Phoenix, her arm linked with Edgeworth's.
"Indeed." Edgeworth chuckled. "You would never witness me ingesting one, that much is certain!"
"Hey, you said earlier that the ghost pepper used to be the hottest. Was this other one discovered after it or something?"
Oh, would you quit acting like you give a damn, Maya!? Phoenix mentally screamed. There are only about a million other more interesting subjects to be talking about other than dull as hell peppers! You don't even like them on your burgers! I should pose an objection right now, because evidently, Edgeworth plans to win this battle for your heart by ensuring his competition is bored to tears, if not outright bored to sleep!
"Ah, a very good question. You see, the reaper, along with the other top four hottest peppers, are actually – "
Before Edgeworth could inculcate any further, and effectively lull Phoenix into a coma, the spiky-haired man butted in.
"Hey! Not to interrupt this riveting discussion, but whaddya say we talk about what to do next? I mean, we've barely scratched the surface of the attractions here, right?"
The prosecutor regarded his rival with annoyance as Maya chimed in.
"Y'know, he's right, Miles! We can talk about peppers later. Can I check out that guidebook?"
"Of course." The charcoal-haired man fished into his suit pocket and pulled out the guidebook, handing it to the girl, who scanned its pages for a few moments before shoving it in his face, pointing at one of the listed attractions.
"Here, let's go try this out!" She cried excitedly.
Both lawyers followed the teen's finger to see that she was referring to the laser tag attraction.
"Laser tag?" Phoenix asked skeptically. "Isn't that kind of a… Kiddy game?"
Maya's jaw practically hit the floor at her friend's comment.
"Kiddy game!? Are you serious, Nick!? It's laser tag!" She exclaimed, forming her fingers into guns and pointing all over the place. "Pew pew! Pew! Pew pew pew!"
Bringing one of her hands to her mouth, she blew on it, as if blowing the smoke away.
"What's so childish about lasers!?"
"Uh… Yeah, I guess you're right..." Phoenix smiled weakly. "There's nothing childish about that whatsoever!"
Except for everything!
"So…" Edgeworth looked back and forth and his companions. "Are we all in agreement, then? To the laser tag arena!"
Too excited to contain herself, Maya rushed on ahead, leaving the two legal geniuses in the dust.
"This should be rather fun, wouldn't you say, Wright?" Edgeworth asked as the two men walked ahead to catch up with the spirit medium.
"Oh yeah! Diving around a giant maze with toy guns, making 'pew pew' noises! I'm practically giddy with excitement!" Phoenix replied sarcastically.
"Well, if you are not a fan of the exercise this will give you, perhaps Maya will be." The prosecutor chuckled, then quirked a sly smirk at the blue attorney. "And maybe she'll even work the rest of that alcohol out of her system."
Kiss my ass, Edgeworth! I still can't believe you've managed to turn the act of playing with my assistant's heart into some kind of schlong measuring contest!
The two men continued to follow after the young woman; Edgeworth walking ahead with a smirk on his face while Phoenix continued shooting death glares at the back of his rival's pretty boy head!
Finally, they reached the laser tag attraction, surprised to find that the lineup was rather small for what they'd assumed would be a very popular attraction.
"That's odd." The magenta-clad man observed. "I assumed this would be one of the longest lines here."
"Maybe everyone got out of our way because they know we're gonna kick their butts!" Maya exclaimed, forming her hand into a fist and punching it into her open palm.
More like it's getting super late, and the parents are starting to drag their kids home! Phoenix thought wryly. Kicking and screaming, most likely!
"Alright, next ten steps forward!" The booth attendant cried out.
Phoenix looked ahead to see how back far they were and was pleasantly surprised to see that he was eighth in line. However, one of the people in front of him seemed familiar somehow. He only just caught a glimpse of the person's brown hair before they disappeared into the main entrance of the arena. He shrugged the familiarity off and glanced behind him to see if anyone else had arrived.
Showing up just in time to participate were two young men, both appearing to be around 15. One had pure black hair and wore a visor, with a notable bandage on his nose.
It was the other boy, however, who caught the attorney's attention much quicker. He had chocolate brown hair, but what was most striking about it was the shape; the bangs were pointing straight up, practically forming a pair of horns! What also caught Phoenix's eye was the size of the boy's forehead. It was massive, and reflected enough light to almost blind the blue-suited man!
"Clay, I told you I didn't wanna play laser tag!" The young man with horns cried.
"Well too bad! C'mon, man, it's my birthday!" The teen named Clay protested. "Is it so wrong to wanna blast some little punks with my best bud?"
"Yeah, like that's gonna happen. I've got the aim of an old man with Parkinson's!"
Clay sighed. "How many times I gotta tell ya, man? You could shoot a fly on Mars! You're a dead shot, Apollo!"
The one named Apollo shook his head at his friend. "And how many times do I have to tell you that good aim on Call of Duty does not equal real-world skill!?"
Phoenix couldn't help but snigger to himself as he listened to the young men's conversation. Even amidst the battle for his assistant's heart, the man had to stop and appreciate the little things, such as two friends bickering over something as trivial as laser tag.
"Ugh, fine! One game, then we go do something else!" Apollo finally conceded.
"Boo-ya! Let's not wait around then!" Clay began to push his friend forward. "Onward!"
"C-Clay! Cut it out! You're gonna - Oof!" Apollo cried out as he was shoved right into Phoenix, causing both of them to topple over. The young man quickly picked himself up and offered a hand to the attorney.
"Sorry about that, sir! My friend –" The boy suddenly cut himself off as he took a good look at whom he had knocked over.
Phoenix accepted the boy's hand, pulling himself off the ground and smiling at the young man.
"It's not a problem." He continued to look at the boy, who seemed to be staring at him in stunned silence. "Uh, are you –?"
"Yo, Nick!" Maya suddenly cried from the entrance to the arena. "Hurry your butt up and get in here!"
Gah! Got so caught up with this kid, I nearly forgot about Maya!
He turned to Clay. "Uh, tell your friend not to feel bad about crashing into me when he… pulls out of his coma? I gotta move!"
The young black-haired boy flashed the man a quick salute. "You got it!"
With that, Phoenix sprinted into the laser tag arena, rejoining his love interest and rival.
"Geez, took ya long enough, old man! We were about to start without you!" Maya exclaimed as they were led into a room by the attendant of the attraction.
Phoenix just noticed Apollo and Clay entering behind him.
"Hey, I just got knocked over by a kid, OK?"
Maya laughed. "Didn't break a hip, did ya?"
The spiky-haired man inwardly groaned.
I bet anything when she's my age, she'll refuse any notion that she is getting old. Then she'll tell me to shut up and buy her a burger. Such is the Circle of Life!
"Alright!" The attendant called out. "Hope you guys are ready to have some fun!"
The employee went on to talk at length about the rules of the game. From what the blue attorney grasped, the game was a bit more than 'Shoot the opposing players a lot to win.' The game aimed to capture the opposing team's fortress and defeat the team leader. Simple enough in theory. As the attendant prattled on, Phoenix took a moment to take a look at the competition.
Besides himself, Maya, Edgeworth, and the two young boys (the horned one of who still seemed to be staring at Phoenix) there were five other players:
A young girl with long, red-orange hair, pulled into a side ponytail, wearing what appeared to be a large pair of headphones with antennae attached to them
A boy wearing bright pink and yellow clothes, whose multi-colored hair appeared to have fox ears poking out of it
A little girl in a pink outfit covered in card suit symbols, wearing a top hat
A little boy whom Phoenix could swear he'd seen before.
However, it was the last player that caught Phoenix's attention. It was the person whom he'd recognized as they entered the arena. It was none other than Lotta Hart, the hothead that had tackled Dylan into a jukebox in her spice-fueled rampage!
"Now, any questions?"
The employee's voice snapped Phoenix back to reality.
Crap! I didn't catch a word of that! Now I'm probably gonna make myself look like a complete idiot in front of Maya… Then again, I was probably gonna do that anyway!
The attorney knew he probably should have simply asked for a basic review of the rules, but, not wanting to seem like an ignoramus in front of his rival, he chose to remain quiet. The attendant looked over the players, making sure he didn't miss any questions, before smiling.
"Alright, then! Now, I need you to all split into two teams of five."
Phoenix immediately felt someone grab his arm, pulling him towards them. He looked to see Maya, who had latched onto both himself and Edgeworth.
"Nick, Miles, we gotta be on the same team!" The giddy spirit medium exclaimed.
"Uh, sure. Why not?"
Who else would I team up with? Lotta?! NO THANK YOU! That woman has more hair than brains!
However, much to the lawyer's dismay, the aforementioned Southerner caught sight of the three and made her way over to them, nearly crashing into the group. "Well, shuck me and call me an ear o' corn! Fancy runnin' into you here, Mr. Lawyer!"
I think running into is a bad choice of words after what you did to Hugh Jackman Jr! The blue-suited man thought to himself, knowing all too well not to say as such out loud.
"Y-yeah. Small world, huh?"
"Reckon course!" The walking hairball replied before she turned her attention to Maya and Edgeworth. "And if it ain't Maya and Mr. Prosecutor! How y'all been?"
Edgeworth, who was clearly as annoyed with the woman's presence as Phoenix was, gave a quick answer, not wanting to remain long.
"I've been well, Ms. Hart."
Maya, on the other hand, was still a bit tipsy from the earlier glasses of wine, and beamed at the woman, appearing as if she'd just run into an old friend whom she hadn't seen in ages!
"Lotta! It's been forever! How have you been!?"
Did you just conveniently forget how she attacked your new friend at the diner? Plus, you saw her like, a week ago at the Gatewater!
"I have been a good, girl. More to the point, we gotta be teamin' up, so how bout y'all join up with team Hart!?" The walking feather duster suggested.
Team Hart? And what in the world makes you think you'll be the leader?
At that moment, Phoenix felt a tug at his sleeve and turned to see the horny-fringed young man he'd collided with earlier.
"Hmm? What is it, kid?"
"Uh… M-M-Mr. Wr-Wright… I-I – " The boy stumbled over each word, obviously trying to get something across.
Wait, how does this kid know my name? Phoenix found himself wondering as the young man continued trying to get his sentence out. Finally, the young man's friend placed himself between the attorney and the stammering boy.
"Excuse me, sir." The visor-wearing boy started politely. "Allow me to translate for my friend. What he is trying to articulate, is that he would very much like to join your laser tag team. And, if it wouldn't be any trouble, I would like to join as well."
Phoenix took a moment to study the two boys. He remembered the one in the visor, but damn he couldn't remember his name despite having heard it only a moment ago! He'd said that his friend was a good shot on one of those popular shooting video games. The lawyer then turned his head to look at Lotta, whom Edgeworth was currently trying to concoct some excuse as to why she couldn't join their team. Phoenix stepped forward and intervened.
"Ah, unfortunately, Lotta, you're just a bit late! I just promised these two boys they could join us!" He said in his most convincing apologetic voice as he pointed at the young men behind him.
"Aw, shoot! Ya gotta be kiddin' me, Mr. Lawyer! I thought we were closer than kin!" Lotta cried as she looked at the two boys. The one in the visor waved, while his friend seemed to be hyperventilating!
At what point have I even made it appear to Lotta Hair that we were ever friends!?
"Yes, well," Edgeworth agreed quickly. "A promise is a promise. I'm sure you understand, Ms. Hart."
"Yeah, yeah, I get ya. Guess it wouldn't've been fair for all the adults to gang up on the kiddies, anyway." The wannabe reporter scratched at her massive ball of 'fro.
"It's too bad, Lotta." Maya was perhaps the only person to be speaking genuinely. "We would love to have had you on our team!"
The bumbling photographer suddenly became very serious, then. Narrowing her eyes at the spirit medium, she appeared to be examining the young woman. Maya leaned back slightly as Lotta moved in close.
"Now wait just a cow tippin' minute! You were slurrin' your words just then, missy. And takin' a good look at ya, your face is lookin' a bit red."
Uh-oh! Phoenix gulped. Guess the hairball has more brains than I gave her credit for.
Edgeworth appeared to be panicking as well. If Lotta managed to put two and two together, she would finally have the scoop she'd so desperately kept searching for, and it would be his name in the headlines: Former Demon Prosecutor Has Devil-May-Care Attitude About Serving Alcohol To Minors!
As the two ace attorneys began to move forward to get the reporter away from their love interest, fate intervened, for once in their favor!
"Okay everyone, please split into your teams and head into the armory at the left of the room." The laser tag employee interrupted with further instructions, diverting the unfolding disaster just in time. "You'll suit up in there and then be given the red or blue team."
"Aw, shoot! Better to join up with the kiddies. But I wanna talk to y'all when this is done!" With that, the woman shambled off to join the children's team.
Phew! Phoenix wiped his damp forehead, which had broken into a nervous sweat. Crisis averted… At least for now!
The trio made their way into the armory, finding it to be a sparsely lit room with ten vests lining the walls. Attached to the vests via cable was the blaster to be used in the game. The group made their way to the left side of the room and slipped on their vests, Maya being helpful and lending a hand to the two boys. The darker-haired one smiled his thanks, but the one with the giant forehead still seemed to be in major shock over something. Phoenix decided to try and talk to the boys, considering they were his teammates.
"So, what are your names?" Phoenix asked the one in the visor. "I feel like I should have asked earlier."
"Huh? Oh, it's cool, man! I'm Clay, Clay Terran! And this star-struck bozo here..." He placed an arm around his friend's shoulder. "Is Apollo Justice!"
"C-Clay! Don't embarrass me, man!" Apollo cried out as he shrugged off his friend's arm.
Phoenix laughed at the outburst.
"Apollo and Clay, huh? Well, it's nice to meet you. I'm –"
"Phoenix Wright!" Apollo suddenly blurted out, his face immediately turning 50 shades of red! Clay, however, cracked up and grinned impishly at the lawyer.
"Man, you gotta chill! Sorry about that, sir, Apollo's just a little nervous. Y'know, meeting his idol and all."
"Clay!"
"Uh, I-I'm sorry, his idol? I'm a little lost."
"Nick!" Maya suddenly cried out. The spiky-haired lawyer turned to face his assistant. "Pay attention instead of talking to the kids! The team leaders are here!"
Phoenix looked around the room quickly and eventually stopped on two people at the end of the room. One was an admittedly cute, petite young woman, perhaps in her mid-20's. She had long silky blonde hair reaching down to her rear, and wore a vest much like the ones meant for the game which was lit up blue.
Opposite her, however, was perhaps the largest man Phoenix had ever seen in his life, putting even Will Powers to shame! He was a very muscular, dark-skinned man with a bald head, dressed in full military garb. He carried himself in a very professional manner as if he were about to meet the president himself!
"Soldiers!" The man cried out with a voice that would put Phoenix's loudest objections to shame. "Line up and prepare to be prepped for combat!"
Everyone in the room did as instructed and formed a line in front of the man, expecting him to speak again. However, it was the young woman who spoke next.
"Hi everyone!" She said in a voice as soothing as a flowing stream. "I'm Dee Ceiving, and I'm the leader of the red team."
"And I am Sergeant Aaron Strikes, leader of the blue team!" The drill sergeant announced.
"Now, I see you've already split into teams, so now Aaron and I will choose you for either the red or blue team." Dee continued. "The two of us have a bit of a competition going on between ourselves based on how many games our teams have won. We're currently tied, but my team won the last game, so I get to make my team choice first!" The petite woman walked first over to Phoenix's group, looking everyone over. "Oh, looks like we've got a team of handsome men here!"
He felt his face grow warm as this woman looked him over and even squeezed his biceps before moving onto Edgeworth and doing the same. The normally cool and collected prosecutor was understandably flustered at being sized up like a slab of meat! All the while, Maya shot this woman a death glare. Once Dee had finished examining the team, barring the spirit medium, she stepped back.
"Hmm, you're all very handsome… But, you're about useless as a solar-powered flashlight."
The group was completely taken aback by this! Had this sweet young woman actually said that!?
Before they could even react to this, however, Dee had already moved onto the children's team.
"Ohhhhh! Aren't you all just so adorable!?" She cooed, before turning her attention to Lotta. "Well, most of you at least."
"Hey now!" Lotta cried out, gritting her teeth as she got in the woman's face. "Whaddya mean by that, ya string bean!?"
"Oh, dear! I'm sorry, miss, I should have explained better. What I meant was that you look like something I pulled out of my vacuum cleaner when it was clogged." Dee explained, her voice still sweet as honey.
"Why you little –" However, Dee had stopped paying attention and was now speaking to the young girl in a top hat. "Hi there, sweetie. What's your name?"
The adorable little girl placed her hands on her hips, balling them into fists as she puffed out her chest.
"I'm Trucy Enigmar!"
"Oh, Trucy? What an adorable name! Tell me, are you ready to tear the blue team limb from limb?" The blonde woman asked, her face still forming the biggest smile as she spoke.
Does this woman have a split personality?! Christ, for such a sweet face, she has the mind of a psychopath! …Then again, I would know all about that!
"Alright, I've decided! The red team for this game will be these little cuties and Miss Hairball!" Dee announced. The children all cheered and began making faces at the now blue team. One child even shouted at them.
"You're going down, pee-pee man!"
At that moment, Phoenix realized who the child really was. It was that walking continent's hellspawn, the lost Koopaling!
Oh, just my luck! That little shit is on the opposing team being led by my ex-girlfriend's lost sibling! Anything else that could go wrong tonight?
As if answering his question, the blue team leader stepped forward.
"Then that means you lot will be the blue team. I expect you not to disappoint me, soldiers!"
With that, the two leaders split up, leading the teams down two opposite hallways that seemed to stretch on for miles. At the end of the hallway the blue team was following, there was a right turn that led to a staircase. As the soldiers reached the top of the stairs, they were greeted by a site that would not have been out of place in Disney's Tron!
The group stood inside what could only be described as a fortress that towered over a massive maze of a battlefield. The arena was partially lit up blue, indicating blue team territory, while the other half was lit up red, marking the red team's grounds.
"Now listen up, soldiers!" Aaron cried out, immediately causing the players to stand at attention. "As I'm sure you remember from debriefing, our mission is to storm the red fortress and take out the team leader, Dee Ceiving."
The big man began to pace, his arms behind his back as if he were actually going over a mission debriefing.
"Though I'm sure you think this will be easy, do not be deceived! That woman can turn a toddler into an unstoppable killing machine! The red team will come at us with all they've got. But we will not hold back either!" At that moment, the large man stepped up to Phoenix, glaring down at the lawyer as he towered over him. "What's your name, soldier!?"
Christ in heaven! I can't decide who's more intimidating; this giant meat wall or that fallen angel on the red team.
"Uh, Phoenix. Phoenix Wright."
"Phoenix Wright, what, soldier!?"
"Gah! Ph-Phoenix Wright, sir!" The blue attorney quickly corrected, flashing a salute on impulse.
"Phoenix Wright… I like you, soldier! You look like you have a good head on your shoulders, so when you get to the battlefield, I am placing you in charge of this team!"
"You must be joking!" A voice broke through. Aaron and Phoenix both turned and found themselves looking at Edgeworth, who had stepped out of the lineup and was now standing right next to the army wannabe. "You choose Wright as our leader? You may as well send us out there with a white flag of surrender, as he couldn't lead an ant to a pile of sugar!"
Oh, of course, you choose now to remind me that you exist, you pompous ass! And this time, I'm not sure if it's because you're trying to impress Maya or because you just can't miss an opportunity to put me down!
"Are you questioning my decision, soldier!?" Aaron cried as he towered over the charcoal-haired man.
"I very much am! If anyone in this group should be the leader, it should be me!"
"No way!" A booming voice cried. The sound nearly deafened every person in the room, and it turned out to belong to the young Apollo. "Mr. Wright is the best choice for our leader!" Everyone regarded the boy with confusion before he turned to his friend. "Clay, C'mon! Back me up!"
Clay folded his arms and closed his eyes.
"Sorry, man. I gotta agree with Pinky here."
"It is not pink!" Edgeworth cried. "It is magenta!"
"Either way!" Clay exclaimed as he looked his friend in the eye. "I think he's definitely the better leader here, man. I've seen those trial recordings of yours, and this Wright guy just bluffs his way to victory. That is not the way a leader should work."
Hey! Phoenix was indignant. Just because that's true doesn't mean the words don't hurt!
"So, that's one person on my side," Edgeworth said with a smirk as a look of hurt swept over Apollo's face. "Do you still think your decision is a good one, Mr. Strikes?"
"That is SERGEANT Strikes to you, soldier! And if we're gonna do this by vote, we still got one more person to ask." Aaron turned his attention to Maya, stepping up to the young beauty. "What's your name, soldier."
"Maya Fey, sir!" The spirit medium replied with a salute.
"Alright, Private Fey, it's up to you. Who do you think should lead this battle? Private Wright or Private Edgeworth?"
Maya looked between the two men, clearly torn in her decision. On the one hand, Nick was her best friend, whom she spent nearly every day with and who had rescued her from an assassin only a week earlier. On the other, Miles was a very take-charge kind of person. His leadership skills were clear in the way he handled his investigations.
"I-I think…"
C'mon, Maya! The defense attorney tried to send his assistant a telepathic message. Don't let Edgeworth fool you! He just wants a chance to show off to you even more! I may not know much about being a leader, but I do know I will not follow Miles Edgeworth onto a battlefield, considering he'd be more than willing to use me as bait!
"I think… Nick should lead us!" The raven-haired woman finally said.
The prosecutor scowled, and it was Phoenix's turn to triumphantly smirk.
Ha! Take that, Edgeworth!
Luckily for his rival, the defense attorney wasn't the immature petty sort to gloat over this minor victory in his favor aloud, but the horny-fringed teen was all too happy to do it on his behalf!
"Yes! In your face, Clay!" Apollo cried, pointing at his friend, who seemed more annoyed than disappointed and only shrugged in response.
"That's enough!" Aaron cried out.
Everyone quickly got back into the lineup. Before the leader spoke again, Phoenix just noticed the scowl Edgeworth shot his way.
"Now, it's time for you to be deployed onto the battlefield. Private Wright will lead you once we have feet on the ground." He suddenly stopped pacing and turned to the glowering grey-eyed man. "And I don't want any lone wolf tactics. Is that understood, Private Edgeworth?"
"Understood… Sir." The prosecutor replied, through gritted teeth.
"Good. Now, all of you," He gestured to a doorway in the back that led to a small room. "Step onto that lift. When I hit the button on the wall, you will be deployed."
"No." Edgeworth retorted flatly. "I shall agree to follow Wright onto the battlefield, but I refuse to be forced onto a lift of any sort! Please direct me to the stairs."
Aaron and the prosecutor had a brief staring contest before the other man acquiesced.
"Fine. Stairs are back there, soldier." The sergeant pointed behind him. "Rendezvous with the rest of the team the moment you reach the battlefield."
"Understood." With that, Edgeworth separated from the rest of the group, making his way down the stairway.
"Now, the rest of you, prepare for deployment!"
"Yes, sir!" The group cried in unison and made their way to the lift.
Just before pressing the button, Aaron flashed a salute. "Make me proud, soldiers." With that, he slammed his massive fist against the button and set the lift in motion.
Get your armor ready, Miles Edgeworth! Phoenix tightened his grip on his blaster as a grim smile of determination played over his lips. Both of us know … love is a battlefield...
A/N: I am in the process of re-uploading all my older works back onto the site, including this one which may look familiar to some of you, but also gives me a chance to edit my stuff to give it better polish and so far, get a new audience on my stories from days of yore! 😊
In the meantime, as I go through the painstaking task of ensuring my new version complies with regulations per the admin's advising, the full version of this COMPLETED story along with the full uncut version of Turnabout Everlasting, and Filling The Void (the other far too sexy for this site previous casualty, which I've started reposting in a less risqué format) plus all 100+ chapters of Singing In The Courtroom (apparently we aren't allowed to post public review replies, but I can reply to my wonderful readers on my own site), where all my uncut works can be found on THEJORDANPHOENIX DOT COM