Before starting this chapter, I have to warn people that this chapter will talk about eating disorders. As someone that has someone that has a past with mental illnesses, including eating disorders, I wanted to talk/write about it. But I understand that this can be a sensitive topic for many. I don't want people to feel like they have to read this so I will be including a quick summary at the end that goes over the basics of what happens in this chapter. Again, only read what you're comfortable with.
DISCLAIMER I DO NOT OWN AIKATSU NOR THE SONGS USED
*Hello, how are you? Cover by Kano
Fumiko's POV
It hurts. My body hurts. I'm tired. I want to sleep but I'm too restless. Above everything, I fought with Momo. My friend and roommate. I hate myself.
It was late in the night. I didn't want to go back to our dorm. I don't think it'll work out well if I do. Going home wasn't an option either. Last bus probably left long time ago. I could go to one of my friends' dorm but all of them had a roommate. There wasn't space for me there.
That's how I ended up in front of the Charlotte's Cottage. The only person I thought to be awake at this time and with some room to spare. Seeing my disheveled self, Charlotte didn't say much as she let me in. Not that I wanted to talk much.
'You developed an eating disorder.' Momo's words hurt. I could still hear how in disbelief she was. The thing is, if she didn't say it, I wouldn't have known. I don't even know how accurate her diagnosis is. But it's her. She couldn't be wrong. She was the Genius Wildcard. Since the beginning she's been so smart. Talented. Being around her I felt tiny.
When I woke up in the infirmary Headmistress Aoi and Mr. Bepp were careful with what they said. They asked me a bunch of questions that I don't remember with my tired self. One that comes back now was that they asked when was the last time I ate. I didn't know the answer that I gave normal answer. I don't think they bought it. The next thing they did was tell me that Momo and Hayate were waiting outside. I didn't allow myself to see them; knowing that they wouldn't handle it professionally like the teachers did.
Sitting on Charlotte's couch I wonder when it started. At first I admired Momo. She was the Star Couple's daughter with a great audition. Then at Char's concert they both adapted so fast to the stage change. After that I started thinking that I needed to work harder to match up to them.
Eating, slowly, became a distraction. Then it became hard. It became scary. Somehow it all just... Changed.
"Fumiko?" Char carefully sat down next to me. "You want to talk?"
"With all due respect Char-chan, I really don't think I can."
"Okay. Then do you mind if I sit here?" I shook my head. I appreciated that she didn't push further.
Char was a great idol. It was a part of her personality. Literally. I could go on for hours, singing only praises and it wouldn't compare to how amazing she was. That's what I was being compared to. At first it was a joke. We performed together, we worked together, I was living a dream at that time. The joke became an expectation. My dream was a disguised nightmare. One where I couldn't wake up.
I didn't blame Char for that pressure. Not like she told anyone to treat me this way. I didn't blame Momo for that first time she asked me to help her out. I wouldn't have changed that time for anything. Yet at the same time, if I knew that it was going to lead to all of this? To the way that I think? What Char and Momo deal with should be the same as me. Maybe even more. I was the one that fell down the hole for no good reason. Does that mean I have no one to blame but myself? I was the one that was weak.
An eating disorder of all things. I've been eating since I was born. Taught how to balance meals so that they're healthy while still having the occasional treat. One of my favourite pass times was talking with friends over some food. Used to be at least. Now I look back and it feels so distant. I remember those times. I don't remember when they stopped.
I suppose that's the scariest part of thinking about all of this. That one moment changed and I couldn't see it. Today, it was only a rice porridge. My lovely friend made it for me. She doesn't cook enough yet made it for me. And I couldn't even lift the spoon. I'm sorry.
I feel bad for Hayate too. I was with him with I fainted. He must have been so scared. While walking I wasn't paying attention to what he said. My brain was filled with his performance at the Twinkle Star cup. I wanted to hate how he improve so much. I was jealous that he was able to get a partner that was so talented. That he was improving when I felt that I was stuck in a hole. I'm sorry that I think like this.
Now Char. Waking her up in the middle of the night and not explaining why I'm sitting on her couch without talking. How do I look in her eyes right now? Is she pitying me? Does she know what I'm going through? Had she experienced it herself? Probably not. I'm sorry that I'm a nuisance to others around me.
I curled up onto the couch. I was cold. Tired yet not wanting to sleep. I didn't have it in me to grab a blanket or anything. I just wanted to stay here. I felt safe here. Safe wasn't really the word I was looking for. Something like not in danger would be better. Safe would only be right if my mind wasn't trying to drag me down. I keep contradicting myself. I don't know what I want now.
"Char-chan... What do you think about me?"
"What do I think about you?" I nodded.
"I think that you're someone that doesn't even know the answer to that yourself." I gave a weak laugh.
"You can say that." She shifted to look at me closer.
"I, also, think that whatever is bothering you right now is reasonable. That if you don't want to talk about it then you don't have to. That brings up the question if you can handle bottling it up within you." Her gaze was soft. Sometimes I forgot that Charlotte was also behind her eyes.
"What do you mean?" She leaned back into the sofa. Her flower hair pin caught my attention as it almost looked like it was going to fall out. It was late. Maybe she was heading off to bed when I came. I was bothering her.
"In our first year, Charlotte and I's condition was only a rumor. Even until she debuted, people thought that it was merely the camera effect that caused the change rather than a part of our brain doing it. During that time Charlotte was unwilling to clear up the rumors. When I asked her why she said it was because she didn't want it to change how people looked at me. An idol is meant to be someone that people can admire. In a way, many people don't see themselves in us. You must have felt that way before too."
I guess that's true. Before getting to know Char and Charlotte, I thought that they were a rumor too. Not to mention that they had problems because of the split. Charlotte suffered because she always felt that was lesser than Char. Meanwhile Char wanted nothing more than for her to open up. Idols in general were completely different than what I thought. Even Momo, who was given the most attention for her parents and could meet the expectations had problems with that pressure. Being an idol was hard. It was even harder to find someone to talk to.
"What I mean is, Fumiko-chan you are allowed to suffer. How you handle it is also up to you. You're welcomed to stay here for the night or leave. I won't control what you do. I never will." Control. I'm afraid of control.
What people expect of me. How they look at me. What I do could be the clear end of my career. In one day, one minute, everything can crash down. Out of my control. Everything is out of my control. I lied to myself that I could control my eating. I was making the choice to skip meals. I wasn't. I'm ill.
Char handed me a box of tissues, making me realize that I was crying. I pulled her into a hug. Crying loudly into her arms. I was nowhere strong as she, Charlotte, and Momo are.
"I- I can't - Momo says I- I'm - I have- an e-eating disorder!" I couldn't say it properly with the short breathes I had. I didn't have the ability to admit it without feeling weak.
She slowly patted me on the back. She let me cry for who knows how long. After some time she spoke, "It's going to be okay."
"No it's not! I'm- Everything I do is wrong- I don't- how I can even- I'm just so lost..."
"Then can I ask you to rely on me more. On us?" I slightly pulled away.
"Us?"
She used a tissue to wipe my face. "Charlotte and I. Your family. Higawari and Ceasire. We're all here for you. If you don't know the answer, then maybe we would help give you options. That includes Momo-chan."
That's when I remembered the fight that I had with her. "I don't think she wants to sup- talk to me. I said many- so many- hurtful things to her. I knew what would bother her- yet still I did it. And at the time- I fully meant it."
"You meant to say hurtful things to her?"
"Not in- I mean- In a way, yeah. Momo is so different from me. She got Charlotte and Shouta to debut, debut herself at a second year audition, she dealt with a scandal all by herself. When I was by myself, I spiraled out of control. Yet when I asked her what I should do, she didn't know. And I took it out on her because I was mad at the fact that I'm a lost cause. I was hurt but it doesn't excuse me behaviour."
Momo was a very straightforward person. Getting into a fight when she was only trying to help, I don't know how that would affect her. It was such a spur of the moment thing that I ran away from without fixing. It wouldn't surprise me if she was too scared to talk to me again. Or even if she was mad at me for jumping on her. I can't be mad at her for me not understanding what was happening to me.
"Well you won't know unless you talk to her."
"I can't- not when I'm still too-" I couldn't face her.
"I understand that it could be scary. But I'm sure that she's equally afraid. If you want to take time, that's fine. But if you want to make things right then you will have to talk." Char was the perfect idol. Having a friend come into her home so randomly but still having the class to be able to handle it. Beyond the stage, she showed off constantly that we were on completely different levels.
"Okay..."
"Great. Because I'm sure that she's cold outside." She stood up, heading to the door.
"Wait. What?" I didn't know how to react when Momo appeared inside in less than a minute. Despite being in her coat, her face was still rosy red from the cold. She gripped her bag handle tightly seeing me.
"Char-senpai texted me that you were here. I hope that you don't mind my presence."
"N-no. I-" This was awkward. It hasn't been this way since we first met.
"I'm sorry!" We both bowed and yelled at the same time. We were surprised that we did the same thing.
"Why are you sorry, Momo? I'm the one that blew up all of a sudden. You were only trying to help."
"And by doing so I was forcing my beliefs onto you without knowing the full story."
"There's no way you could have known the full story without me telling you. I just didn't want to bother you when you were so busy."
"I'm never too busy to help my friend out!" Char stepped between us.
"It sounds like you both have made a mistake. But you both are willing to make up for it. That's the most important part. Before Momo-chan entered, Fumiko-chan is there something else important you want to tell her?" She nodded to me; telling me that I could do it.
I down casted my eyes. "I- You're right. I think I developed an e-eating disorder. But hearing that... I wanted nothing more to deny it... I ended up fighting with you. Just as you hate being called the Star Couple's daughter, I hate being called the next Queen. I thought that out of everyone you would understand me. Then you gave me porridge and it hurt me more than I thought it would. I'm sorry." She didn't say anything for a second. That's when I felt her slowly grab my hands.
"I accept your apology. For myself, I'm sorry that I can be controlling. You are a smart girl that I must have appeared to be undermining you at times. I apologize."
"You weren't. In fact, I looked up to you. A lot. Momo, you're so strong that every time I felt that I was weak it was my own insecurities speaking. Comparing you to myself was my problem."
She chuckled. "You think I'm strong? I stopped playing music for years and ignore when my parents are mentioned during interviews. I impulsively act, bringing people into my problems. I can't even comfort my friend when she needed me the most. I knew that you would be here but couldn't bring myself to message Char-senpai myself. I'm not strong. I... I ran away from it."
"That goes the same for me." Char placed her hands on top of ours. "I don't talk back to Charlotte. I'm meant to be the perfect idol image yet sometimes I want to wrap myself up in bed and ignore everything. You don't know how hard it was to not start crying when you were! Sometimes I feel like this is why Charlotte prefers to hide behind me. She feels the same way where running away feel right. But even that takes strength."
Looking at the two of them I saw them in a new light again. It wasn't like they were solely the Starlight Queen and Star Couple's daughter. I knew that they worked hard and that they had their problems. I just never thought that they would want to run away from it too. There were times where they wanted to cry just like I did. We each had out problems. I wasn't alone.
"So then how do you two deal with it? Why do I never see you two crying or asking for help?" They met each other's eyes.
"Because we're too weak to ask." They said at the same time. For a second I saw exactly the same face I had in my mirror's reflection for the past few months. The hidden pain behind a kind face.
It took strength to hide away. To handle it on our own. At the same time, it wasn't easy to admit having a problem. A double edge sword that could mean either or. And yet we all pictured ourselves as weak. The perfect, top idol Char had thoughts to stop performing. The genius Momo was unsure about a lot of things. Leaving me, the Eternal Smile who had been crying for hours. What a laugh.
"Oh it's been a while since I've seen you smile." Momo pointed out. I remove my hands to touch my face as if I couldn't feel the natural pull upwards on my cheeks. 'I haven't seen me smile in a long time too.'
"Do you two- Do you ever regret going into Aikatsu?"
"I don't."/ "Not at all."
Both of them were shining so brightly here. So naturally. There was still a difference between all of us. It wasn't experience or talent that made them shining. It was the fact that I wasn't them. I couldn't fully see their faults because they hid it away like me. Whether in front of the camera or from people around us, we each had things we wanted to cover up. But they still continued.
I want to not be only an idol that was like them, but be proud enough to call out my faults. To not run away. "Me too. I love Aikatsu. I really really love Aikatsu. I'm scared. I'm tired. But singing and dancing, meeting people, doing new things, I love Aikatsu."
Momo moved to take out her idol binder and a pencil from her bag. She opened it to a bookmarked page. "You know before coming here, I kept staring at the profile I wrote about you. I tried re-reading it a bunch of times as if it was you. That it would speak and tell me what I needed to do."
She flipped it around, pointing to the title that she put down. "The Eternal Smile. Merely words on a paper. Regardless of what people think about you, what my statistics show, you are Watanabe Fumiko."
"And I'm an idol." They nodded. "Then as an idol, I want to stand on stage."
"Right now?"
"Right now!" I had something important to say.
"Ummm I believe that's too short of a notice. I'll have to arrange venue, get song checks, mic checks, what about coords? Then prompting it, it'll take more than 5 hours to do that all. Roughly speaking-" Char tsk'ed at Momo freaking out.
"Don't forget Momo-chan." She took out her phone. "You're with the Starlight Queen. Sometimes titles can be very helpful."
The two of them started talking about arranging the stage. It didn't faze them that I made my decision so fast nor did they question me further. They fully supported my desire to perform. Because when it came down to it they knew the feeling of wanting to be out there. It was both scary and a rush that nothing could replace. I didn't want to give that up. As much as it weighted heavily on me, I want to still be out there.
I want to be an idol.
Turns out planning a last second stage was easy if one had the right resources. Between Momo's organizational skills and Char's connections, they gave me the freedom to request anything that I wanted. Yet with such open choices, there really was only thing that I wanted this stage to be.
Me. I would want to show the side of me that I was scared of. Learn to embrace it. I didn't need it to be fancy or grand. I was a simple person that wanted to be with people. To make them happy. But it wasn't only my eating disorder that I wanted to address. I had problems. Some of them bigger than others. None of it should be ignored.
"Fumiko." Momo approached me from behind. I assumed everyone had already went to the audience area. Only she stayed behind for any last minute details. Seeing her gave me a bit of comfort. "How are you feeling?"
"Nervous. Like I'm literally shaking, oh my goodness, I'm so nervous."
"Hopefully this would help then." She handed me three cards. "Just as you requested. Retro Clover's Hansel Clover Coord. But I have to ask, why switch your brand? Most of the time you use Happy Rainbow."
Holding them in my hand felt different than what I was used to. Happy Rainbow was cheerful in a way that was bright and childish that made people smile. Retro Clover on the other had made it seem like an old memory with a sprinkle of new on top of it. Still it had the bright colours that gave me energy that I was missing. It was less on me trying to match the cards but them supporting me. Just holding them I felt myself understanding the designer's image.
"Clovers are meant to bring good luck, right? I think I'm going to need that today."
"You don't need the luck. I know you'll do amazing."
"Is it wrong to change to Retro Clover?"
"Of course not. Different brands have different goals. That creates a variety of reactions to each person and why they would want to use it per stage. Let me tell you their motto before I leave." She gave me a small smile, placing a hand on my shoulder. "'Letting anyone who wears our dresses to be happy.' I hope that you feel that way as well."
I nodded. Hearing a buzzer sound above, Momo had to go out front to the audience. I was left all alone in front of the dressing booth.
It was scary to think that so many people would learn this part of me. They all thought of me as the happy go lucky idol. I was going to change that with one song. It was crazy that I wasn't exaggerating when thinking that. Only this dressing booth door remained in stopping me from going out there. The same door I've done tens of time before. I knew what was beyond the doors. A stage.
Holding the cards close, I took a deep breath. 'I can do this. I don't have to be afraid. Momo, Char-chan, Charlotte, there's so many people that will love me. I'm still afraid but I can do this.'
I went through the doors. Standing out on the Girly Room Stage, I looked over the crowd cheering loudly. The gauge above me was the highest I've seen for my solo performance. For something so spontaneous it really showed that I was popular. I had to act the part.
"Everyone! How are you today?!" I was greeted by their screams. Could they see that I was nervous? I don't want to let them down. Not when there's so many of them that genuinely loved me. Would I disappoint them by showing that I am weak? Would I scare them? I don't want to be pity by them.
"Great. Great. Um- everyone. Please listen to me for a second." It quickly quieted down. "Um I- This song that I'm doing today- it's more of a ballad. Right now I'm really- absolutely- terrified to be doing this-but! But I'm really really hoping that everyone here- and at home- will hear what I have to say. Through this song and afterwards."
I could feel myself shaking as I went to sit down on the bed in the center of the stage. Behind me, there was some mumbles being drowned out by the music box like melody.
Haro,
Mado o akete chiisaku tsubuyaita
Hawayu?
Dare mo inai heya de hitori
Moonin,
Asa ga kita yo doshaburi no asa ga
Tiku-Taku,
Watashi no neji o dare ka maite! I could see people' faces as they realized what the song was. It sort of scared me the way their faces changed. That I was making a mistake in doing this. I continued because I had to tell everyone my thoughts. If I stop now, I don't think I would be able to get back up again.
(La la la) I kept my head down
(la la la la la, la la)
(la la la)
(la la la la la la)
(La la la) The song I chose had a very happy tone. I found out that the singer was praised a lot for her innocent voice. When she came out with this song, many were surprised hearing the lyrics. It completed the message of surface image compared to what is actually being done and who she was on the inside.
(la la la la la, la la)
(la la la)
(la la la la la la)
Haro,
Mukashi no anime ni
Sonna no ita kke na
Hawayu?
Urayamashii na minna ni aisarete
Suriipin,
Baka na koto itte naide!
Shitaku o shinakucha
Kurain,
Namida no ato o kakusu tame Animage of myself came to mind. It felt so familiar singing the lyrics that I could see myself in my own room. The idea of the audience disappeared.
Mou,
Kuchiguse ni natta, "Maa-Ikka"
Kinou no kotoba ga futo atama o yogiru
"Mou kimi ni wa zenzen kitai shite nai kara"
Sorya maa watashi datte...
Jibun ni kitai nado shite nai keredo
Are wa ittai dou iu tsumori desu ka? I was angry when Momo discovered my problems. I knew myself that I did have something wrong but having her say it was like cementing it in. I didn't need her to point out what she obviously missed.
Nodomoto made dekakatta kotoba
Kuchi o tsuite deta no wa uso At the same time, even knowing that I had a problem, I still tried to deny it
Kou shite kyou mo, Watashi wa kichou na
Kotoba o rouhi shite ikite yuku That feeling of not amounting to anything was overbearing.
Naze kakushite shimau no desu ka?
Warawareru no ga kowai no desu ka?
Dare ni mo aitakunai no desu ka?
Sore hontou desu ka? I wonder if these questions are going to be thrown at me. Because if they are, my answer to all of them would be the same.
Aimai to iu na no umi ni oborete
Iki mo dekinai hodo kurushii no No. I never wanted this attention. I'm not having fun, it's suffering me
Sukoshi koe ga kikitaku narimashita
Hontou ni yowai na I picture myself as weak.
Ikkou ni susumanai shitaku no tochuu
Mourou to shita atama de omou
"Mou, Riyuu o tsukete yasunde shimaou ka na?" I wanted to rest.
Iya, Iya, Wakatte, Masutte
Nan to naku itte mita dake da yo But a part of me always reasoned that I shouldn't. That people would get mad. I would get mad. I kept going.
Wakatteru kara okoranaide yo
Shiawase darou to, Fushiawase darou to
Byoudou ni, Zankoku ni, Asa hi wa noboru A new day was always taunting. That I had to redo everything again. Each day was more to pile up to my already mountain of a mess.
Ikiteku dake de, Sei ippai no watashi ni
Kore ijou, Nani o nozomu to iu no? Why did they have to call me queen in the first place?
Naze ki ni shite shimau no desu ka?
Hontou wa aisaretai no desu ka?
Sono te o hanashita no wa dare desu ka?
Ki ga tsuite masu ka?
Jinsei ni taimu kaado ga aru nara
Owari no jikan wa itsu nan darou?
Watashi ga ikita bun no kyuuryou wa
Dare ga haraun desu ka?
(Aa..) I peeked my head up. In the front row there was Momo, Char, Shouta and Hayato. They were watching me so intently. The two boys and Char were crying. They were trying to keep it together but were unable to. Char clung to Shouta's sleeve with a napkin in her other hand. He didn't even know as he was too busy wiping his tears with his own tissue. Hayato biting his lip to try stopping to no avail. None of them took their eyes off of me.
Only Momo wasn't crying. In fact, she was watching so proudly. She was smiling. I was doing okay.
Sankyuu, I looked directly at her.
"Arigatou", tte iitai no
Sankyuu, She slowly shook her head
"Arigatou", tte iitai no
Sankyuu, Still smiling, she mouthed the words at the same time as me. She was thanking me for continuing.
Ichido dake de mo ii kara
Kokoro no soko kara, oonaki shinagara I could see others around my friends. All of them supporting me. And I couldn't hold back that I was so grateful that I had so many people watching me.
"Arigatou", tte iitai no I said my thanks a bit louder this time.
Naze kakushite shimau no desu ka? I pushed myself off the bed.
Hontou wa kiite hoshii no desu ka? The words and questions I sang become solely lyrics. They still had weight on me but... less
Zettai ni warattari shinai kara? I was standing again.
Hanashite mimasen ka?
Kuchi o hirakanakereba wakaranai I was walking forward.
Omotteru dake de wa tsutawaranai
Nante mendokusai ikimono, deshou?
Ningen to iu no wa I smiled. I held my hands close to chest. Raising my hands up, I released a ball of light into the air. It exploded above me, raining down sparkles over me. A Sparking Rain appeal.
(Aa..) Haro, Hawayu?
(Aa..) Haro, Hawayu? I asked the audience the repeated question.
(Aa..) Haro, Hawayu? Maybe one time they would give a different answer.
Anata ni, "Haro, Hawayu?" In that case, I hope that someone could hear them over the soft music
(La la la) I aimlessly skipped around the room. As if no one was watching me I sung the final melody carefree.
(la la la la la, la la)
(la la la)
(la la la la la la)
Now that the song was over I knew that it was time to tell everyone. One thing that I never noticed until this time was that it wasn't bad to have silence from the crowd. Usually my energy would be high and I would be screaming at this point. Going back to my everyday life was like hitting a wall. This time, however, we were all quiet that I knew that they understood me.
I slowly returned to the center of the stage. No one said anything. But I could hear those trying to hold back their sobbing. Hearing that so clearly now and seeing it, I had to stop myself from crying. Only by looking at my friends did I manage to do so. I kept blinking to make sure I wouldn't start bawling.
"H-Hello again. Everyone. Were you surprised? Haha. I must have surprised a lot of you with my choice of song. And how I choose to perform it. But um... But there's a reason why I did this." I bit my lip. "A lot of you view me as upbeat, happy, extrovert, all of that. And while I am that, most of time, I have my own problems that I've been dealing with lately."
Yesterday I pictured this scene many times. That I would be crying on the floor. Smiling and saying it proudly for those to know. Panicking and backing out at the last minute. I wanted to know how I look to everyone right now. I probably won't watch this playback though.
Standing here, now, I had so many thoughts bouncing around in my head. Yet the only thing that kept me grounded was the idea that I felt alone. And that there were other people that could feel that way too. I didn't wish for what I felt on anyone. If speaking about it ruined my image, but helped someone else, then I'll do it. I'll tell everyone.
"I think I developed an eating disorder." Not a peep from anyone. "Is it that surprising? Haha For me too. There's still a bunch of technical stuff about it that I don't understand and learning about but after a lot of thought, I wanted to tell you all."
I took another deep breath. "Some time ago I started to receive a lot of attention. While I thank everyone for the support, a part of me became afraid of it. I wanted to meet everyone's expectations of me. I worked hard everyday. So so hard to catch up with others. To not let anyone down. Now where does eating come into play? Well... I fainted the other day."
I had to take a second to recollect myself. Waking up in the infirmary that day, hearing the nurse speak to me about what happen was a lot to take in at once. I only remembered talking to Hayate one second and then waking up, knowing that something was wrong. "To explain, to the best of my knowledge, basically my body was so tired that it had to shut down then and there. And it was because I started to avoid meals in order to make time for training. Even when I had time to eat, I felt... guilty for eating- no, not just guilty but scared."
The longer I explained I got colder. I held my arms. "I was scared. Alone. I didn't know what was happening. I still don't. And to think that I no longer had control over my own thoughts- my own actions- I ran away. If it wasn't for the people around me I wouldn't be able to stand here. Maybe me talking about it makes it sound less serious. I'm suppose to be carefree -fun. I never thought I would end up here. Like this."
"But I want everyone to understand one thing. I don't want anyone to treat me like I'm fragile. Because even though I'm standing here- literally shaking- I don't want it to change the way you view me. When it comes down to it, this does not define me. If you're in a similar situation, it doesn't define you either. I wanted to tell everyone so that they understand that I'm here. This may be an issue that I have to deal with but I'm not going to stop Aikatsu. I've met amazing people that have- are supporting me even when I'm not the same girl they thought I was. That's what I want to be for others. That's why I wanted to be an idol in the first place!"
Finally, some people stopped looking at me with sad eyes. "I viewed so many idols as perfect. I thought I was a failure because of this. Right now you all look like you're going to cry. But is crying so bad? Being sad allows me to be happy. It's because you can be sad that you learned to value happiness more. The first time I stood on stage I had my family supporting me. Whenever someone tells me that I've helped them smile, I smiled. I want to be someone that can help others. So while I'm not the perfect image that I've seen on idols- I'm human. And that is not a flaw. An eating disorder is not a flaw."
That last line gave me a chill. Being able to admit that made me feel open. I let a single tear run down my face. I wasn't weak. I was strong for admitting it. I was still going. I shouldn't treat this as a way to stop me but as a way to open the doors for others like me to talk about it.
"This may be a lot for people to hear but I know that this is what I want. I'm not going to take it back. One final thing I have to say is, thank you. Everyone who may stop supporting me, people who start to, who continue to... my family and friends. Thank you." I bowed to the audience. I kept my head down until I heard 4 people clapping. Slowly more joined them. They started shouting that they loved me. That I was okay just the way I am. I was strong for admitting to it. They'll continue to support me. This was only a small step in my career.
I raised my head to face them head on. For a few seconds I stood there to overlook everyone. Many of them crying as they cheered. I wasn't crying out of sadness, watching them. I was proud of everyone here. Including myself. I couldn't thank them enough.
I really mean it. Thank you.
Aipom4: I'm glad you like their unit name because out of three, Shouta's and Momo's was the hardest haha. They did try their hardest but overall I never wanted them to win the competition. I'm curious as to what exactly is interesting though if you would like to expand.
Summary: After what happened last chapter where Momo and Fumiko got into a small argument and Fumiko left to take a breather at Charlotte's Cottage. She talks about her problems with Char they talk about she just felt that she lost control of everything around her and the only thing that she could control was her food intake. Char invites Momo over so that they could talk things out. They both apologize for their behaviours. Momo is not familiar with these kind of situations besides textbook scenarios while Fumiko never talked about it while feeling so ashamed of herself. They come to conclusion that she needs more help beyond just her friends but will work together to stabilize her condition.
Fumiko then decides that she wants to be open with her fans about herself. She changes her brand from Happy Rainbow to Retro Clover. She is terrified of how she'll be perceived but didn't want to pretend it didn't exist, hoping that she can support those who are like her. It'll be a slow process but she is going to be okay.
Trivia: Like I said in the previous trivia note I always planned for this to be the course that Fumiko and Momo to take. I want to clarify that Fumiko didn't try to take to path nor did she do it because of appearances like many people correlate to eating disorders. She did it because, like myself, it was a slow descent of just losing control of things in my life. Food became something I could control that I started to take advantage of it without me thinking about it. That false sense of security just made it go crazy. It's even crazier to think that food is merely a trigger and that it really has nothing, at least for myself, to do with the problem. And that's the take I wanted to go for Fumiko's route.
I earnestly beg of those that are going through similar experience to recognize the symptoms and seek help. In professionals, friends, family, yourself, anyone to get you back to your healthy self. It may be hard what you're going through but there's going to be a better side. I love you all and remember to take care of yourself.