A/N: Makoto does (NOT) have his shit together.

Was writing while listening to this:

Heart & Mind (Feat. MNEK) - Joel Corry

The Concept of Love - Hideki Naganuma [Jet Set Radio Future]

Again, he didn't really know what to call himself to the other most important person in his life. While he'd been out with Katsuragi recently, he hadn't really opted to have a drink with her since he didn't know her at all. Here, with Shigeru, he could kick back and relax, because he was with his good friend, dare he say best friend.

"Talking to her shook me a bit! But you'd be proud, I had a strong face haha!"

"Pfft, that's my tough guy. Scrawny on the outside, steel on the inside!"

"I'm not that little! And you're not all that different from me in body type!"

"Okay, but I make our type look cooler!"

Makoto just shook his head, taking another sip and starting to feel the buzz he so desperately needed after way too long of a week.

"Also you're not gonna talk about earlier huh?"

Makoto sighed, "I haven't the faintest idea of what you mean."

"Don't be like that! The whole thanking me! I thought you'd have known by now that I do shit just cause."

"There's a difference between property damage and stepping into our lives the way you have. I don't know how you don't see the huge difference between the two. Thinking about it...it was really strange but also oddly sweet?"

"I'm messing with you, I know the difference. But I mean, it's like I said, my reasons are just cause. That really is all there is to it. You guys were interesting and life's been a blast since."

Makoto went to take another sip, "This is nice. Ugh, I have so much going on in my head right now..."

Shigeru snickered, "You want to tell me all about it?"

His face was going red the more he sipped, "You have to do me a huge favor."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"Stop calling him your bro. You know you're more like dad number two and I'm sure he thinks so too."

"Man, I call everyone bro! That's like asking me to not have long hair! It's too much!"

Makoto just sighed, "You don't call me bro! Never have!"

"Cause you're different. I don't know how to put it exactly!"

"Mhm, I see."

"It's not a bad thing. You're just a bit more, I don't know. It's a little confusing right now after six drinks haha."

Makoto downed the rest of his drink, "Oh? An Aoba running out of words is a first in all these years! A penny for your thoughts on how you think of me if I'm not a bro."

Boy was he shocked to suddenly be getting kissed right at the bar. The other people around were as surprised as he was. And it felt really nice...considering how long he'd decided to put romance on hold in favor of his career prospects.

He didn't even remember getting to the car. Whose car? They came in two different cars so maybe one of them left their car parked outside the bar. Did they even take a car? Maybe it was a taxi. That would have been the more reasonable thing to do. Yes, he remembered hailing a taxi. He recognized the apartment. He'd been here many times, to Aoba's place. Time was going faster. That last drink hit him hard. Maybe he'd overdone it a bit trying to keep up. Hands were touching him, running up and down his back gently. Something was whispered to him, but he didn't quite catch it. It did make his face get even more flushed for some reason.

Couldn't help but let his mind wander into how much he'd been missing out on due to his personal life schedule. A lot had differed from how he'd planned, and at times he'd felt like a failure due to it. At the same time, it wasn't like he hadn't made accomplishments. How could he even think that he hadn't? It was all so confusing but at the same time this was welcome. Feeling the comfort of closeness to another person was appreciated. From someone he cared about was even better. He'd most certainly come to love this strange man in multiple ways, he'd thought about it going this way on more than one occasion, yet always held himself back. It didn't fit with his plans.

Glasses came off and he'd placed them on the nightstand.

His drunken mind was telling him there was no need to hold back this night. The realization of just how much Shigeru had done and of how much he was there...it was so simple. He felt awful for how he'd overlooked it.

He couldn't really put together what was going through Shigeru's mind. This man was the epitome of unpredictable. And he'd just let him climb on top of him when they got to the bed. He'd participated in the drunken fumbling of clothing removal.

Good lord was this man getting to him with the dirty talk. He hadn't stopped talking since they got here. But it was fine. He didn't care, he could accept listening to those sweet nothings and then listen intently at the more explicit words.

As a dedicated celibate who practiced abstinence despite feeling attraction to people of any gender, drunk him was more than relieved to break that for just a night. In fact, drunk Makoto was asking himself why he'd held off on this for so long. It felt so good. He felt so good. It was so surprising because of how much Shigeru boasted about women. Did he think of him as more feminine or something? Didn't matter, he was eager to feel even better. His head swirled and nothing was surprising to him anymore. He'd just roll with it for once, something he'd picked up on thanks to the man currently fucking him senseless. He hugged him more, talked back more, did everything that was asked of him in the name of insatiable pleasures he'd denied himself for much too long.

"I don't know what I was thinking. I just-"

Kaworu got up from his spot on the floor to go outside and talk more privately, "Take a deep breath. Where are you right now?"

"I locked myself in his bathroom."

Kaworu had to restrain himself from laughing a bit, "And where is Shigeru now?"

"Sleeping. When I woke up, he was still sleeping. I can't believe this happened. I should leave but it wouldn't be the responsible thing to do. I'm still tipsy..I can't drive like this. I don't know if my car is even here. Do I have to be responsible? Ugh I really should gooo-"

"How much did you have exactly?"

Makoto sighed, "It's more content than volume. I just wanted to kick back and relax with Shigeru like I always do. I don't even remember all we did. Please tell me what to do."

Kaworu thought for a moment, "You should go cuddle with him."

"I'm being serious! Pleeeeease!"

"This is so rare that you're the one asking me for assistance. I'm in a bit of shock. Also surprised you two hadn't done this sooner!"

"I...so you don't care that I did things with our mutual best friend?"

Kaworu chuckled, "Oh please. It's more like I have two fathers, despite how he behaves or what he says."

"Somehow I knew you'd say that. Ugh my head is spinning...why did I do this to myself!? Can you please tell me something else to distract me from everything?"

Leaning against the side of the house, Kaworu closed his eyes briefly, remembering hours ago, "Today, I told him that I love him."

There was a sound on the other end of the line that sounded like an excitedly joyful squeal and that had him laughing.

"I just...I couldn't help myself. I'm so inexplicably smitten that it was difficult to hold back. He's just..." Kaworu was blushing now, "He's become my everything..." He put a hand over his face and started shivering in place.

"Ikari is such a good person. That's such a huge step. Did he say it back?"

"Not yet. But I await that day."

"Aah man I'm excited for you. You're making better decisions than me! At least you're not locked in someone else's bathroom and having a life decision crisis on the floor. Would not recommend."

"Oh I was serious earlier. I don't know why you're not going back to cuddle with him. I mean, it's the nicest feeling after doing things like that."

"I guess I could...that does sound nice. I just mmmph...I'd been thinking about all Shigeru does for us lately."

Kaworu nodded, "Mhm. Remember how many times he'd just come by to help out with things when we didn't even say anything? If he so much as sensed I wasn't feeling well, he'd always come by with lilies and snacks."

Makoto smiled, "He'd cheer us up after you weren't feeling well from an episode. Do you remember? He'd give you a hug but after helping you calm down, he'd come to check on me too. To make sure that I was okay. He doesn't hug as much as he used to and I miss that."

"Also he'd come over and help me with anything else I'd need. Thanks to him, I know way more math than I should! Hah! The homework help was always appreciated."

"Shigeru, when you'd go to bed, he would stay up just to talk with me. Late at night we'd talk about all sorts of things. Like our families or what we'd thought was best for you."

"We went on so many trips! He always knows the best places to check out." Kaworu laughed, "Even if he did a little breaking and entering to get me there. It was always the most beautiful locations around the city or just outside of it. Always very inspiring! And when I told him I wanted to become a painter, he encouraged it and started to get into the art scene just to make it happen."

Makoto chuckled, "He was into art before meeting us though. Isn't that surprising? He saw you had a talent and wanted to see it go places. He really cares and would have done all he could to help no matter what you wanted to do. Just to see you doing well."

"We've talked about that before. I am aware. Ah also him teaching me about the uplifting power of music. Where would we be if he wasn't lugging his precious guitar around and ready to play us something at a moments notice?"

Makoto blushed, "I finally asked him why, after six years now, he'd even done any of this to begin with. I know he met you online but it's above and beyond for random strangers you know? Do you know what he said to me? Just cause."

"That's Shigeru though! I'd expect no other response!"

Makoto sighed, "I...I've been pretty dumb lately haven't I? He may be a lot energy-wise and have a sketchy past, but I need to be a bit more honest with myself..."

"I think what you need to do, is go and cuddle with him. We can talk more later. Have a good night."

"My head hurts more. I think I will...I'll talk to you later. Night."

"Ah...before you go", Kaworu paused, thinking for a bit, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For all you've done for me. It's very appropriate that I thank you as well. You've done so much, never forget that. I know that Shigeru stepped in a bit later, but you were there from the beginning."

"You didn't deserve to stay there. You are more than what Seele says you are. I'm glad that without knowing anything, people like Shigeru and even Ikari Shinji can see that."

"Thank you. You deserve to be happy too."

"I should go before I start sobbing. I'll talk to you later. I'm still tipsy...aaaah, I hope I remember this talk when I wake up."

"I'll remind you of it next time I see you. Goodnight."

When he hung up, he closed his eyes and needed a moment to just be alone with his own thoughts.

"Hey..."

Kaworu looked over to see that Shinji had come out to find him. He instantly reached out towards him, pulling him into a hug, "I'm very fortunate."

Shinji hugged back, "Are you okay?"

"I just had a nice conversation. I'm fine. I was just making sure that Makoto was okay. So that happened. Still reeling from the sudden news, but not in a bad way."

He nodded, hugging more, "When you're ready, you should come back inside. I think you're the only one who didn't eat yet. Just about everyone is ready to call it a night."

"Oh? And will we be able to sleep in the same bed? Or am I banished by the police in there because it'd be too much?"

"Just come in with me. I don't care if Toji starts screaming. I want to be together."

"Would you like for me to hold you close until you fall asleep?"

Shinji nodded, already enjoying the current hug, knowing he could easily drift off when being held on his own bed, "Can there not be anything else to happen today? I need the day to end, it's been too long."

"Absolutely fair. Let's go back inside. I'm certain if we're gone too long, everyone will think weird thoughts."

A few people decided to make the living room their spot for the night. Hikari passed out on the couch, Penpen laying on her legs. Rei had, at some point, made a pillow fort and was laying inside of it. Asuka retreated back to her new room, but the light was on so she was probably unpacking. In Shinji's room, Kensuke and Toji had taken those sleeping bags and were on the floor. Walking carefully to not wake them, the couple made way to the bed.

Hugging his boyfriend close against his chest, Kaworu could already tell that Shinji had passed out first. He just placed a kiss on the top of his head and decided to let his mind wander before falling asleep.

Being at at café without Asuka there felt weird. Everyone was tired, their pacing was slow. Kaworu had left in the morning to go back to his own place and work on the box for the employee of the month competition, as he'd mentioned he was eager to have it done before Asuka's return to work.

Of all the people to come by, Shigeru actually did. Guitar with him, as usual. Toji had given him a glance, and that reminded him of the whole possible yakuza conversation. He certainly could look the type, and he never really wore clothes that didn't cover every inch of him, even with the weather being nicer. Maybe he was hiding tattoos? Shinji realized this was a person he knew the very least about.

"Yo! I wanted to try a little something today! I was gonna wait till later, but I figured eh, screw it. I'll do it now."

Shinji thought aloud, "I actually wanted to ask the owner if we're allowed to set up equipment in here. We haven't really had a performance before."

Shigeru laughed, "All I need is a chair and some people willing to listen for now."

Rei had instantly come out with a stool, placing it in a spot away from tables. A few of the customers, including Hikari, had looked on as Shigeru took a seat and had his guitar ready to play.

To everyone's surprise, he started a slow song. Closing his eyes a moment to just play. It seemed to lift the tired mood of the café. The atmosphere was still somehow slow paced, but at least it was peaceful. Then he started to sing.

Shinji was listening, and he didn't know the song at all. He wondered if it was something Shigeru wrote himself, or maybe he was just making it up as he went. Who knows, but he actually sounded very pleasant. He was listening to the lyrics, wondering about a possible meaning behind them.

"Steady your heart little turtle dove,

Don't let the winds push you over,

Just give it a chance when you're ready to fly,

Off in the dry morning skies."

After his song ended, he'd started another, this time it being a guitar cover of a song he'd heard before. He'd checked his phone, seeing a text from Kaworu saying he was on his way and he quickly took a picture of Shigeru playing and sent it to him.

When he'd finished the second song, he ordered some food and asked, "Oh I didn't even realize y'all got a new guy. Kicking his ass to keep him in check? I remember him from yesterday."

Shinji shrugged, "If you mean to ask if he's doing a decent job since he'd started, I'd say so. The new coffee art is done by him."

"Really!? Oh I'm ready to judge. I want one! Also how's Asuka doing? She moved into your house right?"

"Today she's unpacking. She seems okay. Thanks for coming last night."

Shigeru grinned, "So you two were aaaaaall the way out that way huh? What'd he take you to that old planetarium? That's so like him to do. Smooth as hell."

Shinji nodded with a small blush, just thinking about his time there and everything he'd been told. While it was just last night, it felt like longer ago from just how much happened within the last twenty-four hours. "Yeah. It was incredibly nice even though the place closed down, we were still able to enjoy it. I uh...I have a question for you though."

"Ask whatever. I'm an open book."

"Kaworu called you to look pretty scary. I guess you did a good job, because those people at the door didn't even move. Do you uh, know how to fight or something or are you in any sort of...group? Or do you practice a martial art for fun or?"

Shigeru burst out laughing, "Bro did you just ask me if I'm in a fight club?"

Toji looked over, listening in cause he wanted to know the answer too.

"No. I'm not in any club or group or gang. You're funny for that one. Who told you that? Whoever did is an..." , he strummed the guitar and sang, "ASSHOLE."

Toji was snickering in the background.

"I've gotten into my fair share of brawls though. You can't let the dudes in the slammer walk all over you."

"Wait...as in jail!? Prison?"

Shigeru chuckled, "Been there, done that."

He really is a delinquent!

"What...did you do to end up there?"

"Don't worry about it. I did my time and came and rejoined society. Hated how they shave your head. I wanted to be on good behavior just to let this beautiful hair of mine grow back. I never cut it again. It's my pride. Give it a few more years, it'll be down my back. Hey, don't look like that, I didn't do anything dangerous! There's plenty of other crimes out there that aren't violent ones! Like tax evasion!"

Shinji had to sit down, putting his hand on his temple, "That is not reassuring! Also that's still a lot to take in!"

"It's all in the past! I mean, if things would have gotten ugly last night, I'd have pulled all the stops to protect everyone. I don't give a fuck. Those people rubbed me the wrong way the instant I got there."

He had to sigh, and then wondered if Kaworu or Makoto knew about that. Then he remembered that surprising news from Makoto last night, and could only stare at the man in front of him. Now he was really weighing his options on if it was his place to even begin to bring that up, let alone tell him that he knew about it. Makoto seemed like a straight laced kind of person. By the books all the time, always trying to do the right thing, help people. On top of that, he was a lawyer. A respectable profession in general, and all around a nice and outgoing type of person who seemed a bit too much into manga. Meanwhile, this guy in front of him was...kinda vulgar at times, loud, joking around constantly, calling Kaworu bro at every moment he spoke, apparently was some kind of ex-convict, was Kaworu's art dealer, very musically inclined. He'd thought about the boys day out. Shigeru could be extremely down to earth, kind, and caring of a person when he wanted to be. It had to be that side that both Makoto and Kaworu got to see a lot more often that let them become such a tight knit friend group. He didn't really want to make assumptions about how Makoto thought about him, "Hey, have you been in love before?"

Shigeru smiled, setting the guitar down next to him, "I tried to avoid things like that in my life."

That was not the answer he was expecting, "Huh...why?"

He shrugged, "I didn't really like the thought of being forced to settle. Besides, who in their right mind would want to fall for my crazy ass?"

"Well at least you acknowledge yourself that you're crazy..."

Shigeru sighed, "Fuck, but lately, I guess I gotta rethink all that. That was an old me way of thinking. Do you know what I hate the most in this world?"

"What's that?"

"Boredom."

Shinji blinked, "Boredom huh?"

Shigeru nodded, "I hate being bored. I used to think that love was not for me because people were boring. So I never really stuck around people for too long. I'd get a little bit of entertainment out of them and just move on. I didn't stop being so bored until I met those two."

"Kaworu and Makoto?"

"Yeah exactly. The instant I met Kaworu and started talking to him, I had this feeling that I wasn't gonna be bored. The poetry really got my attention ya know? And then our conversations would be about the meaning of life and all sorta things like that. We'd even get into debates," he laughed a bit, "Then I realized, well damn I'm having fun. Then I met Makoto as you know. The first thing we did was bicker, and I wasn't bored then either. He is a pretty interesting guy. All these years though, I just kept doing old me crap, but hanging around these guys a ton until next thing I know, we're all friends like that. Did he ever tell you about the single dudes bachelor pact?"

"The...the what now!?"

"We all agreed that we were all lousy fucks who might stay single forever for various reasons. If one of us was single, then we all stay single. Then look, Kaworu up and broke the pact first. But all is forgiven cause you're a pretty swell dude. Makoto agreed to the pact but he never put any effort into getting to know anyone else besides me."

That, to Shinji, was pretty telling.

"Oh ho, I know what you're thinking. Nah, it's not like that. He has this massive life schedule for himself and he hates getting off of it with a passion. Check this out, he wanted his job by his early twenties, and then to try to find someone to settle down with before he's thirty, and he's even planned out wanting kids. How many. The whole works. It can get a bit annoying at times when he brings it up. To him, his life went off the rails and isn't really going back to how he planned it. I have to keep telling him that it's okay. Life's just like that. You can't plan for everything and if you try you'll lose your damn mind."

Shinji nodded, "Somehow that makes a lot of sense. But he doesn't think-"

"He's more looking at the bigger picture. In no way does he think negatively about taking in Kaworu or meeting me. That's what he says anyway."

Now Shinji felt a bit sad when asking, "Do you not believe him?"

"Sometimes, I didn't. Not until last night I guess. Fuuuuuck. Last night was wild." He ran his fingers through his hair, "The fuck is wrong with me?" I came here to play some jams just to get my head together. I'm usually great at holding my liquor, but last night decided to let loose after coming down from fight mode. You don't even want to know what happened next."

"I should get back to work, but Kaworu will be here soon! Don't worry about your coffee. It's on the house." It was the least he could do since this guy was clearly going through some things. Thought that talk was certainly enlightening.

"Well then, to begin today's session I'd like for you to start from any events that began right after our last session." Ritsuko was looking at her notes, then looking up to Shinji while he seemed to be thinking to himself, "To better keep your thoughts organized, why don't we go in order of events?"

"Okay."

The last time he was here, she'd been able to guess that his relationship progressed to the next level. As did her investigation. But while it seemed that Seele had something to hide, it didn't entirely seem to link directly to Nagisa Kaworu in a negative light for the man, but rather looked downcast for the company itself. There was no link between him and Shinji's father thus far, which she was grateful for but wouldn't hold her breath.

She'd listened intently as he spoke about going out with his friends and Kaworu, going out with Kaworu's friends on another occasion, which was a bit more surprising to her. Though the name Aoba sounded vaguely familiar, she'd have Maya look into him.

Then Shinji mentioned something that positively shocked her to her core.

"Suzuhara Toji, you say? I remember that name..."

Shinji nodded, "The very same one from...years ago. I apologized for what I did to him and he hasn't really apologized for how he acted, but I think we're getting along now at least!"

"You were able to talk things over with your old school bully? I'm sorry, I'm actually in shock. This is monumental. He was also helping Asuka move, yes?"

"Yeah! Toji was there! So was Kensuke, who gave me their numbers earlier that day."

"Shinji, I don't want to push, but I think you're more ready than you think you are for larger steps. Rejoining society...I practically feel you've done that already."

"I don't know...Dr. Akagi...I like things the way they are right now. I'm still not sure how much more interaction I can take on my own. Without Kaworu with me, I don't think I can."

That was a red flag, not about Nagisa, but for Shinji, "I see. Perhaps I am being too hasty. We don't want you to become too dependent on your partner though. I'll admit his influence on you is highly significant. I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I'm just so proud of you."

The smile he had at hearing those words was absolutely precious.

His smile faded a little as he mentioned, "I brought him to visit mom's grave."

"Did you now? Tell me about that."

"He helped me pick some flowers for her at a shop. It felt like she was watching us and that she was okay with us. I introduced him to her and later came clean to Misato. I do...feel bad for lying to her months back. I wasn't sure what else to do at that time."

"Hmm. I can understand the hesitation. You didn't think she'd be accepting. It is a huge step to take. While you were dishonest, I can understand yet lying to her is not okay."

"I know..."

She wondered aloud, "You've told a lie to Misato but I wonder, do you ever feel like Nagisa has lied to you in the time you've known him?"

"Once, I think."

She was beyond interested in that answer, "I'm going to need you to elaborate."

"About his ability to sing. I felt like he knows that he can sing well, but he's mentioned someone telling him he couldn't, and he believed it."

"I don't know if that counts as a lie per say."

"I wonder who that could have been because Makoto and Shigeru...they seem like very supportive people."

Ritsuko nodded, "Perhaps someone from before he met them. Do you know anything about his background?"

"Not really. I know he must have learned to play the piano at some point, because he's amazing at that. Dr. Akagi...I don't mean to change the subject so much, but I know that I definitely want to pursue music now."

"As a career?", She took notes when he nodded earnestly, "Let's talk more about music. I remember you played the cello and started a bit of piano around the time we first met."

"Kaworu and I play the piano together a lot. There's a public one that we pass by on the way to his place. It's always so much fun! I can listen to him play and recognize the notes. I joined in the first time, and we made a really beautiful song together. We now practice every chance we get."

"I'd love to hear it one day. You do realize that if you can recognize or reproduce notes right away, that means you have a perfect pitch."

He looked delighted to hear that.

She nodded, "It's a little rare, and if you want to pursue music, I imagine that will help you get far. It's funny to me that your partner probably had to practice the song for a long time, meanwhile you instantly picked it up when he played it for you."

"I never thought about it like that. I also...I'm working on a song for him. One from the heart. I already know what I want to call it. I want to perfect it by his birthday."

"That's very sweet of you. What will you call the song?"

He blushed a bit, looking away, "Scarlet."

She took more notes, "Is there anything else you want to tell me before we talk about the night of Asuka's move?"

"Oh that day was a lot."

"I was bewildered to see you in a group hug. How do you feel about touching people now?"

"That...was kind of uncomfortable...but it wasn't about me so...yeah."

"You did it for Asuka's sake because you agreed with the others that she could use the contact?"

"Yeah. But before that...Kaworu he...he told me the words I'd been waiting for."

"Oh? You got a confession?"

Shinji nodded earnestly, unable to even hide how happy he was over it.

"Walk me through the moment."

"There's something else I need to tell you about first. I'd been...waiting to talk to you about it for a long time but I didn't get permission until recently."

Ritsuko quirked a brow at the word permission, "Go on."

"I said a long time ago that Kaworu goes to a psychiatrist."

"You did. You never said what he went for exactly-"

"Paranoid schizophrenia."

Ritsuko dropped her pen and widened her eyes, "Shinji...that's not something light to just keep to yourself! How long have you known!?"

"Ever since we first started hanging out. He told me right away."

She picked up her pen, writing quickly, "And what was your response?"

"I just...wanted to keep staying close to him. Getting to know him. I'd already decided he was, at the time, my friend. I just went home and looked it up, but I wanted to talk to you about it because you'd know more than I would."

"Have you seen him have an episode?"

"A few times. I'm sorry for hiding that. It's just...I don't want people to think about him differently but I felt that you would understand.."

Ritsuko had to do a lot of re-evaluation from that shocker he just hit her with, "I want to say something. You'd know from how much time you spend with him that people with this condition are not harmful to others typically. It's a grave misconception that I do not subscribe to. I...this changes so much though."

"He's been taking his medication timely since we promised each other to. I'm actually really happy about that."

"The fact that you knew from the start and just...continued onward to pursue a relationship is... it speaks a lot about your character. You know that, correct? I can actually understand if he'd get a bit...defensive about anyone else knowing. It's a heavy burden to live with." Holy shit. This is such a game changer. I need to look over the Seele reports with this in mind. Hell, this turns their entire relationship upside-down perspective wise. "Shinji...I owe you a sincere apology."

He blinked, "For what?"

Ritsuko sighed, "He told you that he loves you recently, yes? I wondered about his level of feelings and commitment to you and I apologize for that. Please walk me through the moment he confessed."

He didn't talk about the appointment with Dr. Kaji, but he did talk about their time in the abandoned planetarium. He now wondered if he should talk about the angels and the paintings. Maybe...not this time... I need to ask Kaworu-kun if it's okay first.

Ritsuko continued to take notes, nodding, "And did you say it back? I know you struggled with saying it."

"I...didn't. Dr. Akagi...I don't know why but I'd been waiting for the moment he'd tell me, yet something in me felt off."

"Did you doubt him?

"Not at all. I felt...sad in the moment." He started fiddling with his bracelet, "When I got us this gift, I felt it was a step in the right direction of telling him how I feel. He looked me in the eye, held my hand, and told me he loves me. Yet I can't say it back the same way and I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't. What's holding me back?"

He was shaking and Ritsuko didn't like that, "Shinji. You don't have to say it the same exact way he said it to you. Please understand you can do it in your own way. Even if you used the song you're working on to do so."

He stopped shaking, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"You're putting too much pressure on yourself. He felt it was a natural moment to express how he feels about you. I'm sure your moment will come too."

"Dr. Akagi...I...so much...I..."

"It can be a bit overwhelming. Look at the positives. You've actually impacted his life. That's something I know he's aware of. You've helped each other do better and I feel like a broken record but your progress is incredible."

"He's helped me so much, despite what he goes through. He deserves to hear how I feel. I know he's waiting for me to say those words. But what if I can't? Will he get tired of waiting on me to maybe say it someday?"

"Something tells me he will wait as long as it takes to hear you say it back." She paused, wondering why she said that. It could be true, but she'd often tried not to make the strongest of opinionated statements. "Are you alright?"

He nodded, "I'm just a bit frustrated with myself is all. I want to say it so badly."

"I wouldn't rush it. Wait until it feels right to you. It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, it could be a month from now. It's not necessarily the perfect moment that I'm talking about. I should clarify. It's about the feeling inside of being ready. Think about it like how you've become ready to talk to people lately and not as a separate entity. Make it something manageable to yourself as you have with the rest of your progress."

"Thank you. I...guess I didn't really think about it the same way I think about the other things in my life. It's special to me."

"I'll give you some information sheets about his condition that I want you to read in your own time. It may help you better understand what he has to deal with and more importantly, what I want you to watch out for. Since you're holding each other accountable, it's best if you have a deeper understanding. I'd like to talk to him again for a joint session if he has the time."

"I'll ask if he's okay with that."

"Why don't we end the session here? You've told me quite a lot and I need to process all of it. The time you've spent with others, talking to Misato, you making up with Suzuhara, your romantic partner's condition this entire time. I wanted to ask you about your experiences living with your new housemate, but we can talk about that next time since you haven't seemed stressed."

"Okay."

She turned her recorder off, getting up to print the fact sheets for him. He needs to give himself so much more credit. I can't believe this. As she handed him the papers, she said, "You are so much kinder than you think you are and that may be one of the biggest reasons he felt the need to confess to you. Love is already difficult to navigate for anyone not dealing with the illnesses you boys deal with. I can imagine it's a lot more complex with those added on. But your willingness to stick by him from the start is admirable, and it's grown into something even I have to admit is quite special. I can see how you feel every time you think about him. Take small steps and I'm sure the bottled up confession you're holding in will come pouring out."

He just nodded, taking the papers, "I want to read this by myself but maybe for the second read, go over it with him."

"As you should. I'm sure he will be happy see you putting in the efforts to understand what he goes through."

After Shinji left, Ritsuko slumped down in her chair, "I can't believe this. The entire time." Without a doubt, she knew Misato would probably lose her mind from misunderstanding, so tipping her off was not the thing to do immediately. She needed to think about how this affected the investigation first and foremost. She was already internally screaming about how it drastically changed the relationship dynamic. Thinking about it, a few things about Nagisa Kaworu made just a little more sense, but his words of challenge to her still didn't. Whatever he had challenged her to find, his condition couldn't have been a part of it, or else he'd have worded it differently. It had to be something he definitely hasn't told Shinji yet. She was sure of that.

She'd text Maya, asking if she had any updates and if not, if she'd like to go out again. If there was anyone she could rely on with the new clues she'd gotten today, it was her.

"Good grief, these young men!"

At first glance, it seemed Nagisa Kaworu was pretty high functioning for a person with that condition, but rethinking it, that wasn't exactly the case. He could be working freelance as an artist to avoid unnecessary interactions and take care of himself. As far as she knew from Shinji, he had only two close friends from before they met. He seemed to avoid large crowds when necessary, which...fair. She'd now realized that this was a person who was probably incredibly eager to make a romantic relationship work after finding someone who was as understanding as Shinji was being. When he'd told her a long while ago that he was making an investment, she wondered if it meant an emotional one. She hated how it was worded, but that made a bit more sense now. For someone like him, every interaction had to be thought about carefully, yet from the sound of it, with Shinji he could just be himself.

She wrote in her notebook some more.

The levels he was going to try to help Shinji in return were quite incredible. Getting him used to touch how he did couldn't be ignored, for starters. He seemed to jump headfirst into shenanigans with the café staff and pulled Shinji along with it, often with positive results. How he'd put aside anything else during an important moment such as a confession to make them go help Asuka, was actually surprising.

In Misato's kitchen, Shinji had mentioned at home exercises with a blindfold. Sitting in a chair with his eyes covered and getting light touches from his partner after building their levels of trust in each other. That was not the actions of someone with a harmful agenda.

Perhaps she'd been wrong about Kaworu as a person, but she knew she wasn't wrong about there being something to hide apart from the condition. So she wouldn't let up. The documents they were able to find thus far were incomprehensible and out of order. She'd have to be patient. Having talked with Misato about the conversation with Hyuga, she knew that guy was central to whatever was going on. There was the other friend, Aoba, who should be looked into as well.

She text Shinji, asking if it was alright if they met again sooner. She'd rearrange her schedule just to talk to Nagisa now that she knew. Perhaps he'd be more cooperative.

She sighed...

And absolutely could use a drink right now.

A/N:

The little turtle dove song is my own creation. That would be the chorus.

Ritsuko malfunctioning over how much was dropped on her suddenly lol like damn.