TAGS: Modern AU

Sexual Humor, Swearing, Brief Blasphemy

Arranged Marriage, Crack, Humor, Banter

Adult Arco, Nonbinary Viper

WARNING: Not Beta Read

"What the fuck is your problem?" Reborn whispers through gritted teeth, careful not to speak over the priest's words, nor draw the guests' attention.

"Is there something wrong, Darling?" Viper asks, with a sweetly hostile low tone. The black veil under the other veil Reborn uncovered earlier in the ceremony covers their eyes, but he feels their glare on him. "I don't know what—"

"On the fucking wedding day, really?" They hold hands, or more like crush each other's hands, but pity any bones has still to break.

Viper drops the fake, nice attitude. "Oh yeah? What the fuck is your problem? Who's that?"

"My best man."

"You don't fuck your best man."

"This one fucks. Do you have a fucking problem with that?"

"Whoa," Colonnello says from behind him, "can you not call me a slut out loud all the fucking time?"

"Not now," Reborn dismisses. Colonnello huffs, but stays silent. "Who's that?" Reborn asks, and that Lal-or-whatever woman raises her eyebrow when he makes direct eye contact with her.

"Listen," the priest says, "if you don't want to be here, stop wasting my time and call off the wedding." Both Reborn and Viper glare sharply at him, but he looks right back at them.

"How about you suffer in silence like us, priest?" Reborn asks.

"'In silence'", the priest mocks. He clicks his tongue, pushes his glasses back up his nose, and resumes through his speech.

Reborn gestures his head towards Lal, standing behind his—god forbid—spouse-to-be. "Well?"

"She's my maid of honor," Viper says. "Don't fucking look at her."

"Oh, so you get to shove your tongue down her throat practically in front of everyone, but I don't get to fuck my best man?"

"It's girls friendship."

"You're not a girl."

"Oh, now you're going to tell me what my gender is?" Reborn bites his tongue instead of ripping their smug smirk off their face, and feels some solace when he makes their bones creak. Viper scoffs. "I didn't expect you to understand. You're not a girl, are you?"

"Lucky you. I'd be so much prettier than you, she'd fuck me instead immediately. As friends do." Colonnello snorts, and badly muffles his laugh.

Lal clears her throat, a smile at the corner of her lips. She fake coughs in her hand. "I'm bi actually."

Viper gaps. Colonnello gasps. Viper turns to glare at Lal, and she smiles innocently.

"Let her speak," Colonnello breathes out.

Viper whips their head back around, and wrenches one of their hands free. "Who the fuck is that then?" they shout, dropping all pretense, and point at one of the guest.

A stunned silence falls in the church, and all eyes turn on the designated guest. From the corner of Reborn's eye the priest sighs, and runs his hand through his green hair.

Oh, he thinks he has it hard? What about Reborn commits him to a wedding he doesn't want, with whomever the fuck, see how he likes it?

Reborn makes himself smirk, and guesses who's the one being pointed at without looking. "Honey, it's no fault of mine he's stealing the spotlight from you."

"It's okay love," the guest comforts, "I'm always the prettiest in the room at any given moment ever, it's not on you. The name's Skull by the way. And I literally never met your fiancé before."

"I literally never met him before," Reborn confirms.

"But he's been constantly eye fucking you this whole time just because?" Viper dares.

"I'm very eye fuckable if you didn't notice yet."

"Wait, what? No, hold on, I'm eye fucking gorgeous blond here actually."

Reborn inhales sharply. He spins on his heels, glares at Colonnello and his stupid, wide grin, and locks eyes with that Skull-whatever.

And why the fuck is he dressed like he's the one getting married? And bright purple?

Fuck, it's gorgeous, and Reborn needs to know where he bought it.

"Take that back."

Skull shrugs. "I mean, you're the one fucking him, it's not like I have to tell you how drop dead gorgeous he is. Single?" He winks, and Colonnello clears his throat, barely restraining his laugh.

"Nope." He fake coughs in his hand. "I'm polyam though." Skull gasps, and Reborn swears he'll stab these motherfuckers both dead.

"You are fucking him!" Viper cries out, and throws their hands up in the air.

"This is a church," the priest deadpans, and goes ignored.

"You fucked him! Today! On our fucking wedding day! In the church!" The guests gasp, scandalized. Reborn and Colonnello giggle. "So don't you tell me I can't shove my tongue down my maid of honor's throat if it damn well pleases me!"

"You can't prove it."

"I don't have to!" Viper gestures furiously at the both of them, and looks about to rip their hair out from their skull. Or Reborn's. Probably Reborn's.

"They've got a point," Skull says.

"They're right!" someone else shouts. "You're too gay, you can't fool us!"

"And who's that?" Reborn changes subject, and would love to see anyone try to point it out.

Viper follows his gaze toward the guests, and gloats. "Ha! Joke's on you, he's Lal's boyfriend. But he'll break every single one of your bone if I ask him to."

"No he will not," Lal deadpans, and sounds like it's the thousand times she has to say it. "You do know that's why you're not his partner yet, right? He's a sweetheart, leave him alone."

Reborn raises his eyebrow at the sweetheart.

Sweetheart bows his head. "The name's Fon. Please take good care of Viper."

Or else, Reborn hears loud and clear, and he raises his other eyebrow. He side eyes Lal, who smiles, with teeth.

"Listen," the priest says, "are you getting married or—"

"Yes," Reborn and Viper bark at him. They hold both hands again, lock eyes with each other, and both their smiles twitch.

"Hurry it up!" someone shouts again, and sparks everyone else's complains. Reborn and Viper throw them a look, and it's quiet again.

"Who are these people again?" Reborn asks.

"Look, you need witnesses for weddings."

"And that's the best you could do?"

"Fuck you."

The priest pointedly clears his throat. "Well, if anyone—"

"Just get on with it," Reborn cuts him off.

The priest clicks his tongue, and it sounds impressively disdainful despite Reborn's standards. "Do you—"

"Yes," Viper says. They lower their tone then, so only Reborn can hear them. "I'll strangle you in your sleep this very night."

"Do—"

"Yes," Reborn answers. He squeezes Viper's hands tighter, and really, would their bones break already? "Not if I strangle you first," he whispers.

"Until death do you apart. You may kiss the bride and get the hell out of my church."

Reborn steps forwards, and leans in only as far as he needs to merely brush their lips together.

"Coward," Viper taunts.

"So you did mean to poison me with that kiss. You'll need to try harder than that, Honey."

"I'll kill you anyway sooner than later, Darling."

The church's doors burst open, and in all the glory of her giant mushroom hat—oh, Reborn definitely needs one like that—, a woman walks in, out of breath. "I object to this wedding!"

Dead silence meets her words, but she doesn't seem to care. She walks forward, a determined and anguished look on her face. She slows down, takes in the newly-wed couple, frowns, and stops.

"Wait, who are you?"

Reborn and Viper exchange a glance.

"Don't fucking look at me," Viper denies, "she's not mine."

Reborn frowns. "Not mine either."

Skull bursts out laughing. "Oh babe, we're so in the wrong wedding, but I loved that acting. Come sit and let me tell you, because you missed on a lot."

A/N: So. I have exactly zero context for this lmao. Is it even a Modern AU? I honestly can't tell you aqsdqsdf. I just know neither Reborn or Viper are there by choice, let alone love, and also, you know it, it all ends in a big poly Arco ship.

I hope you enjoyed the story! Any and all review are appreciated.

Thank you for reading!

- w.h