Chapter 21: I'm Not Ok

The car ride had been silent like many times before. Addison could feel Meredith glancing at her every so often but she was somewhat lost in her thoughts. Especially after Meredith had informed her Derek had been taken in. The uneasiness was still there, swirling around with fear and pain.

He was locked up and yet she felt him there, in the car next to them, in the dark alleyway, right behind her. She just felt him and she hated that she felt him. When had she become this feeble and pitiful excuse of a woman? Where was the strong and confident woman? The one that could not be fazed by anything, let alone a man. The one people had learned to respect and sometimes fear. Where was she?

"We're here." Meredith chirped next to her dragging her out of her thoughts and into the present.

"We are." Addison attempted a smile. She was failing even at that but Meredith thankfully did not push.

"Come on, Addie. I'm tired and hungry." The blonde smiled as she unbuckled and opened the door.

Addison followed suit, unbuckling and stepping out into the cool air. It seemed it would rain soon, the distinct scent in the air accompanied by the dark clouds overhead told her as much. She looked up, her mind drifting again as she stood there.

"Addie?" Meredith stood next to her.

"Hmm?" Addison looked at her.

"Did you hear me?" The blonde tilted her head.

"I'm sorry. I spaced out." Addison fumbled a bit.

"Well, I was telling you that I could eat a whole cow if you let me. Will you?" Meredith smiled and wiggled her brows.

"I guess if you want it badly enough I could be nice and let you." Addison shrugged. "Let's go before it starts to rain." She added and turned to leave.

They walked into the Archfield and the doorman greeted them cheerfully, winking at Meredith. Addison threw her a questioning glance but the blonde shrugged it off saying people knew her here now. She chuckled at her smugness and said she had only been here three times at most and that the doorman was just trying to hit on her, which earned her a pout.

Once in the room, Meredith went to grab the menu for the room service. She was worried over Addison but she dared not say anything. She had pushed enough for today so for now, she would just let her be. Though, if she was honest with herself, she was not too sure how long she would last without asking what was happening.

Addison sat at the edge off the bed as she undid the clasps of her shoes and so there she went to sit next to her. She opened the menu and gave her a silly smile, tilting her head.

"What?" Addison chuckled.

"I told you I wanted a cow." Meredith grinned.

"Right." Addison smiled back and furrowed her brow.

"I'll settle for a burger. Can we have burgers? A cheese burger with bacon." She pointed at the item in the menu.

"You want burgers? Really? From here?" Addison asked, amusement shining through her eyes.

"Yeah from here." She nodded. "Are they too expensive? I'll pay for them." She declared.

"Meredith, I have no issues with paying." Addison scoffed and grinned.

"Right. 'Cause you're rich." Meredith smirked.

"Be quiet. Just order the cheeseburgers." Addison pushed her playfully and chuckled.

"Hey, I'm still recovering." Meredith laughed.

"Oh I'm sorry." Addison stopped laughing and almost immediately guilt flashed through her eyes.

"Stop that." Meredith said sobering up. "Like hell any of this is your fault." She added with a frown.

"Right." Addison gave her that forced smile.

"You want bacon?" Meredith asked, frown still in place. Addison looked at her for a few seconds before she started to laugh.

"You're an idiot, you know?" Addison said, still chuckling.

"And yet. You're still sitting next to me." Meredith replied nonchalantly.

"Touché." Addison conceded.

"So? Bacon?" Meredith smiled again, feeling accomplished after making her laugh again.

"Yes, bacon." Addison smiled and rolled her eyes.

"Ok, and to drink? You want a soda? Or…" Meredith looked through the drinks. "Ooh a chocolate milkshake. I want one Addie. With rainbow sprinkles." She beamed at the redhead, who began to laugh once more.

"Are you 12?" Addison laughed.

"So you don't want rainbow sprinkles?" Meredith pouted.

"I want chocolate ones." Addison shrugged. "Also, are you trying to make me fat?" She asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Yes. Let's get fat together!" Meredith exclaimed and reached for the phone. Addison only shook her head and got up.

"I'm going to take a quick shower ok?" The redhead smiled.

"Ok." Meredith smiled back. "Oh, sorry. Hi." She said as the service desk took the call.

Once Addison got out of the shower she sat next to Meredith on the couch as she flipped through the channels. For the past 20 minutes she had been looking for something to watch but nothing caught her eye.

"You're pouting like a 12 year old too." Addison said as she sat next to her.

"There's literally nothing to watch. I'm about to put subtitles on one of those novelas to see why they're crying so much." Meredith said as she landed yet again in the channel with the Spanish soap opera.

"Why don't you go shower and I'll find something?" Addison motioned for her to pass the remote and Meredith gave it to her.

She sat there for a moment admiring Addison's natural beauty. There she sat free of makeup with her slightly wavy red hair still a bit damp. Meredith did not think that she could look more beautiful than she did now.

"Meredith?" Addison turned back to face her. "Are you gonna go shower? Or are you just going to sit there?"

"I could sit here forever." Meredith smiled softly.

"Stop flirting and go shower." Addison grinned.

"I would but I need help." Meredith said, lifting her braced hand. "Can you help me cover these?" She asked, pointing at where her stitches were.

"Right. Sorry. Come on." Addison said and stood up offering her hand to her.

"Thanks. Also I think I still have clothes in the bag I brought the other night." She grinned cheekily as she took the redhead's hand.

"You planned on coming back, didn't you?" Addison said, raising a brow.

"Nope." Meredith replied quickly.

"Right." Addison scoffed playfully. "Come on. I have some supplies in the bathroom to cover those." She said and walked her to the bathroom.

By the time she was done with her shower the food had arrived and as she stepped out she was greeted with it's smell. Her stomach grumbled and Addison laughed as she heard it.

"Well, it's a good thing it got here, isn't it?" The redhead giggled.

"Yes. I'm starving." Meredith grinned widely and made her way to her.

Before actually eating Addison took off the waterproof bandages off of her stitches and cleaned the site while Meredith sipped on her milkshake and munched on some fries. After the two sat with the TV on some news channel while they ate. Neither really paid much attention to the TV the food and each other being more entertaining.

Once finished Addison picked up the trays and put them outside for them to be picked up. Meredith was texting the forever teasing Cristina when she looked up once more to find Addison sitting at the edge of the bed staring blankly at the wall. She did not want to push. Really, she did not want to but maybe just letting her know she was there for her would be enough.

"Addie?" She called from the couch and the redhead turned to her with sad eyes. "A-are you ok?" She asked tentatively.

"I'm ok." Addison replied softly before turning her attention back to the wall.

"I-I know you don't want to right now but… I'm here if you want to talk." Meredith said softly while Addison kept her eyes on the wall. "Only if you want. It's good to talk and it doesn't have to be me. But I'm here Addie." She added.

She kept her eyes on the redhead but she did not budge and continued to stare at the wall. Meredith decided not to keep pushing in case doing so would land her out in the hallway. She went back to fight with Cristina and Mark, who had also started to text her, when Addison spoke.

"I'm scared." She said weakly.

She looked at the redhead once more and found her staring at her hands on her lap. Silently she got up placing her phone down and made her way to her, wordlessly sitting next to her.

"I'm scared all the time." Addison said bitterly. "All the damn time. And… and its stupid and pathetic. I hate it." Her eyes filled with unshed tears as Meredith listened. "I'm not me. I want me back." She looked at her and Meredith felt her heart sink a little. "I can't even be alone anymore."

Meredith felt the sting from her bitter words but she knew Addison's words were not meant to hurt her. Besides, she understood where the redhead was coming from. She too had been independent once. But now, after everything she had to be here next to her. It felt stupid but it was true and that was frustrating.

"I feel… I feel like I've become this puny, weak, version of myself." Addison spoke again and Meredith could not stop herself this time.

"You are not weak…" She began.

"I've become a coward." Addison interjected.

"You are not a coward." Meredith said louder and Addison looked at her, giving her a bitter smile.

"Meredith, I've been your… friend for only a month and yet look at where you are." Her tears began sliding down her cheeks. "You are sitting next to me. On my bed. In my hotel. You have been with me the last few days. We technically just met and I'm sleeping in your arms." She chuckled bitterly. "Tell me how that is brave."

"Addison…" She tried.

"How are you ok?" Addison whimpered and now it was Meredith's turn to laugh as her own eyes filled with tears.

"What makes you think I'm ok? My teasing? My flirting?" She chuckled. "I'm not ok, Addie. I feel him. I feel him just behind me. I feel him just behind you. And that's even more terrifying." She felt herself shiver. "And now, even when… even when…" She tried to finish but her voice died out.

"Even when he's in jail. When you know he's not here, could not possibly be here. You still feel the same." Addison finished for her. "Aren't we quite the pair?" She chuckled after a while.

"We are quite the pair." Meredith agreed and chuckled along.

"Quite a broken pair." Addison sighed.

"If we put the broken parts together we make a whole." Meredith gave her a small smile when Addison turned to look at her once more.

"Flirting again?" The redhead chuckled lightly.

"No. Just saying what I believe to be true." Meredith replied.

Addison only looked at her a while then shifted closer and rested her head on her shoulder. They stayed there for a while longer in comfortable silence. The conversation seemingly lifting some of the weight off of the both of them.

"Let's go to sleep, Mer-Bear." Addison broke the silence and Meredith chuckled at the nickname.

"Was that flirting?" She asked, amusement clear in her tone, as she looked down at the redhead, still leaning on her.

"Something like that." Addison chuckled.

"Hmm. Let's go to sleep, Addie." Meredith said after a moment.

Addison lifted herself then and looked at her with a smile. Meredith could not help herself and gently planted a kiss on her cheek. The redhead looked stunned for a fraction of a second before her smile returned once more.

"Come on." Addison grinned and got up to untuck the sheets so that they could both slip in.

The next week had thankfully gone by quickly. From work and surgeries to hours at the police station and lawyers to sleepovers at either her hotel room or at Meredith's house with the other interns. As the days went by things were not as stressful and both her and Meredith were starting to feel better and more put together. The feeling of brokenness was not going to go away overnight and she was well aware of that. However, with the days going and the hours ticking by she was somewhat regaining the pieces of herself she had lost.

Derek's trial was coming up soon and though it made her nervous and facing him scared her she felt better. She had more support now, with Richard, with Bailey, with Callie, with Mark and Cristina, of course, Meredith. They were no longer alone. She was no longer alone. That notion made her stand a bit straighter and feel a bit braver.

As the afternoon rolled by after a very successful surgery she sat at the nurse's station with Mark, who as always was annoying her. He had eased up on the Meredith teasing for the last two days but it seemed like now it was back in full swing. She rolled her eyes as he dropped yet another comment about how they were basically married.

"I mean you're basically a married couple." Mark smiled.

"We are friends." Addison let out an exasperated sigh.

"With benefits. I wish we were still friends with benefits." Mark shrugged.

"Mark." She warned like she always did.

"Fine. Anyway, what's stopping you from making it official already? You're killing me, Red." Mark said with a slight whine.

"We are friends for now." Addison looked at him for some more emphasis and then back at her chart.

"Ok. Then when? How much longer before we can celebrate?" Mark asked insistently.

"We are both broken." Addison said softly as she made her way around the counter.

"Yeah." Mark mused. "Technically, you can be broken together. Alone together. Put together, together." He grinned.

"Mark, shut up." Addison said and could not help but chuckle.

"I'm right." Mark said with his smug smirk.

"Shut it." Addison warned again with a smile on her face.

A smile that quickly withered as she heard a certain voice behind her.

"Addison?" A woman called behind her making her and Mark stiffen quickly and she turned around.

"Carolyn?" Addison said, a bit stunned by her presence.

"Mom?" Mark stared wide eyed at the oldest Shepherd.

Addison felt a slight shiver as she faced not only Carolyn but Kathleen and Amelia Shepherd. The youngest Shepherd smiled at her and though the resemblance to her brother was uncanny there had always been something so different in Amelia from the rest of her family. Amelia's smile had her relaxing a bit, the feeling was nowhere near when it was Meredith who smiled but it was enough.

Beside her Mark was as white as a sheet, his eyes on Carolyn alone. He had called her mom as he always did but there was guilt in his tone as he said the word. She was well aware the last time Mark had spoken with her had been a few days before Derek found them in bed. For him though, Carolyn had been more of a mother than his own. She had practically raised him and Derek together.

"Addison." Kathleen said, drawing her attention back from Mark and onto them. "What the hell is going on with your husband? We just found out yesterday. Why didn't you call?" The woman demanded.

"Derek isn't my husband." Addison replied once she found her voice.

"Well, I mean you're screwing his best friend. Still, why didn't you call?" Kathleen continued and Amelia mumbled her name in warning.

"We aren't together." Mark replied for her. "And it wasn't her job to call you. It was his." He added.

"So what, you screw his wife and then you throw him away like some sort of trash?" Kathleen quipped.

"Kathleen Shepherd." Carolyn's warning tone had the upset woman shut her mouth for a minute before she continued.

"Mom, what the police said is a lie." Kathleen said to her mother then turned to face Addison once more. "Addison, who's the moron accusing him? No one has told us anything. We deserve to know."

"Kathleen, quiet!" Carolyn said again. "Addison, we only want to know what happened. I know he's not your husband and apparently he is no longer your friend." She added as she looked at Mark.

"I…" Addison began.

"Mom, they are lying whoever that tramp is. Derek would never hurt someone. Tell her Addison. You know it. Tell her!" Kathleen insisted.

"Addison, I only want to know what you know." Carolyn said once more as Kathleen continued to say that everything was a lie.

Meredith, Cristina, Mark, and Addison had planned on meeting before heading to the cafeteria with the rest of the interns and Callie. She was making her way to the nurse's station up in the OB wing with her person chatting happily. As they got off the elevator they heard a woman speaking a bit louder than she should, especially on the OB floor.

Cristina looked over to the nurse's station and nudged her. Meredith saw three women in front of Addison and Mark. One of them was trying to get the loud woman to calm down but so far it was not working. Then she saw the look on Addison's face and that made her snap into action. She walked faster, Cristina following closely behind and then she heard her words.

"That is a lie. Derek isn't like that. My brother would never!" The loud woman said.

"Kathleen, stop it." The younger looking one called her.

"Back the hell off." Meredith snarled, stepping between the three women and Addison.

Everyone seemed stunned briefly until something like recognition flashed through Kathleen's eyes. She looked her up and down and Meredith just held her stare. Mark walked around the counter and stood next to Cristina.

"You are her, aren't you?" Kathleen questioned. "The slut lying about my brother." She spat.

"Kathleen, she wasn't lying. And don't talk to her like that." Addison defended behind her and then she felt the redhead take a step forward.

"Why are you defending her? She is lying. Are you that dim witted? Or are you an idiot?" Kathleen retorted.

"You can call me whatever you want." Meredith seethed. "You can insult me to your heart's content if that's what you wish. But her… don't mess with her." She nearly growled and made to step forward.

"What can someone as insignificant as you do?" Kathleen asked amused. Meredith remembered Derek saying that exact same thing. They clearly were siblings. "I'm not afraid of some flimsy child, trying to defend a useless moron." She finished with a shrug.

Meredith saw red then and just about pounced when the younger woman, the one who most closely resembled Derek, slapped Kathleen. The blonde stood there in shock a few seconds before she noticed she was being held back by Mark so the pouncing would not have amounted to anything. She attempted to shake him off but he would not budge.

"What in the actual hell, Amelia?" Kathleen hissed, holding onto her cheek.

"Do not talk about Addie like that." Amelia hissed right back.

"Mark, let me go." Meredith grumbled while the sisters bickered.

"Nope, you are staying put." Mark said, his eyes still on the Shepherd women.

"Mark. Let me go, now." Meredith repeated, trying to shake his grasp once more.

"No." Mark replied, his tone final and decisive.

"Mark…" Meredith tried to shake him off again and was unsuccessful yet again.

"Mer…" Addison called and she stilled, turning to look at the redhead. "It's ok. Please, calm down."

"Fine." Meredith huffed and shook her messy bangs off her face thus revealing the neatly lined stitches along her hairline.

"How did you get those?" The older woman asked tentatively. "And your wrist?"

Meredith finally really looked at her and instantly knew who she was. This woman was Derek's mom and her eyes, her face, only exuded warmth. It was weird and it made Meredith wonder if this was what a real mom should look like. Not like hers, who was always cold and distant.

"It was him, mom. Carolyn. Mrs. Shepherd" Mark answered clumsily for Meredith when she hesitated.

"What else did he do? Please. I need to know." Carolyn begged.

"He…" Addison's voice sounded small again and Meredith only wanted to hold her or at least hold her hand.

"Mark, please." She mumbled and Mark finally let go.

Meredith moved to stand next to Addison and wrapped her pinky around hers. The blonde gave her a small smile trying to reassure her. Taking a deep breath she steadied herself and began to speak once more. She told Carolyn everything. She explained who Meredith was and how she had tried to protect her when Derek had become unhinged. She told her what he did to her and what he did to Meredith.

Carolyn's haunted eyes as she finished made her feel awful but she had asked for the truth so she gave it to her. The whole time she had spoken Kathleen stood behind her mother shaking her head while Amelia's eyes were riddled with guilt and pain.

"You are lying!" Kathleen said and stomped away leaving her mother and sister behind.

"I apologize for her. She loves her brother and is clearly blinded by her adoration of him." Carolyn said sadly. "I also apologize for what my… my son did. I know it doesn't amount to anything but I am sorry, Addison. And I'm sorry Meredith. Thank you for telling me everything. I know it wasn't easy." She said, attempting a smile. "I should go now."

"I'm sorry Carolyn." Addison said quickly.

"It's not your fault, child. Just stay safe and once that trial is done go be happy, Addison. Be happy with someone that puts you first and doesn't push you aside." Carolyn squeezed her hand before turning. "And Mark… I'm still mom." She glanced back at him and smiled.

"See you around mom." Mark smiled and with that she walked away.

Addison watched her go a while and then looked at the lone Shepherd still standing there. She hated the look on Amelia's face, in her eyes, because it did not belong. She was about to speak when Amelia beat her to it.

"A-Addie. I'm… I'm really sorry. I just want you to know that umm it was nice having you as a sister. And that I… I understand that you don't want to see me… I mean I look like… I…" Amelia stammered, her eyes filling with tears that Addison did not want there.

Instead of saying something she threw her arms around Amelia and hugged her tightly as the brunette let out a few sniffles.

"What are you talking about, dummy." She said as she rubbed circles on her back. "I'm your sister. I'm not going to stop being that just because."

"It's not just because, Addie. I'm, we'll I'm me." Amelia said as she backed up a bit.

"Yes you are. You are Amelia Shepherd. My sister. The one I chose. You are my sweet and funny filter-lacking sister. The one whose hair I did so that she could look glamorous in her prom. The one that made me do the talk when she was too scared to ask her mom. The one who calls me every year two minutes before midnight so she can spend the last minutes and the first minutes of my birthday with me." Addison said, wiping away her silent tears. "Yes, you are you. And I want to keep you."

"I want to keep you too, Addie." Amelia smiled tearfully and then giggled.

"Good." Addison smiled.

"I… I should go make sure mom is ok." Amelia said as she wiped at her face.

"Yeah." Addison nodded and Mark hummed in agreement.

"But umm if uh if you don't mind. Maybe while I'm here umm…" Amelia fumbled, wringing her fingers.

"I'll text you the hotel info so you can come visit." Addison smiled and grabbed her hands.

"Ok. Good." Amelia smiled once more then her eyes shifted to Addison's right, where Meredith stood behind her.

"She's pretty." Amelia mumbled.

"Ames." Addison gave her an embarrassed smile.

"She is. You scored Addie." Amelia smirked as she spoke softly.

"Amelia." She said as she felt her cheeks heat up.

"It's ok, you know?" Amelia smiled. "It doesn't matter who she was before you met her. If she makes you happy, Addie, be with her."

"You think?" Addison muttered her question but instead of replying Amelia turned to look at the blonde behind her.

"Meredith, right?" Amelia smiled at Meredith.

"Yeah." Meredith replied.

"Take care of her. Will you? While I'm not here. Take care of her." Amelia smiled.

"Of course." Meredith said quickly and she could feel her coming closer.

"Ok. Well, I gotta go." Amelia said and gave her another hug. "Bye, Mark!"

"Bye, Amy." He said and with that she too was gone leaving the four of them.

Meredith grabbed her hand as she stood next to her. Addison squeezed her hand a bit and looked at her. The blonde's eyes twinkling up at her as she smiled softly.

"Well, that's done." Addison sighed.

"I thought we'd have to face them all at the trial." Mark stood next to her.

"I like that Amelia person. No idea why." Cristina shrugged.

"Well, Addie chose her for a reason." Meredith chirped.

"Right. I did. She's the best sister I could've ever asked for." Addison smiled and took a deep breath before speaking again. "The only thing left now is the trial." She said and the mood suddenly shifted.

The four stood in silence feeling the weight of the impending trial. Wondering what would happen. If Derek would be imprisoned or if by chance he would be allowed to walk away. It was actually scary to think he would. What would happen should he go free? Would he come after them again?

Fear was starting to settle in the pit of her stomach when Meredith squeezed her hand.

"It'll be ok." The blonde smiled.

"Ok? It'll be great to watch McDreary being taken away. You know, it felt good. Whacking him over the side of the head." Cristina smirked evilly.

"I bet." Addison chuckled and felt a bit lighter once more.

They fell silent once more but they were ok. She felt ok. The comfortable silence was broken, however, by the rumbling in Mark's stomach, which sent Addison and Meredith into a fit of laughter.

"You hungry?" Addison asked as she laughed.

"Hey. After all that? Yes, I'm hungry. I'm actually starving now." He said and they began to head towards the cafeteria.

"You always ruin the moment." Cristina rolled her eyes as the two walked side by side. They bickered as they went with Addison and Meredith giggling as they followed behind, hand and hand.

And then there were 21! I said we'd be dealing with Derek this chapter but I guess not haha. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this rather long one. Thanks for all the comments. You guys are awesome. Until next week. ;)