There was heavy silence as Kathryn and Chakotay walked back to Voyager's top floor. They parted once they reached the Bridge.

Despite herself, Kathryn was prepared to continue the meeting in the Briefing Room. She quickly found out from her Chief Engineer, now alone, that the aliens had taken some documents and were planning to return the next day.

"I thought that was the right move, under the circumstances," said B'Elanna, uncharacteristically hesitant about her decision.

Janeway nodded and smiled approvingly, but B'Elanna must have been able to tell she wasn't herself.

"How's Gretchen?" the younger woman said from the Briefing Table, staring at her as Janeway moved to the head of it automatically.

"She's alright," said Janeway in a low energy tone, "Well….she almost died…she did die,"

B'Elanna gasped.

"But she'll be alright."

"I'm sorry….." said B'Elanna haltingly, "I know that's hard."

"I don't know….," said Janeway, looking off, "I don't know what I was thinking having a child out here…it's so dangerous."

"She'll be okay," said B'Elanna, awkwardly, as she stared at the Captain with wide eyes.

Janeway pulled herself together, blinking once and smiling, then nodding commandingly down at the datapads, "What are the specifics on their technology B'Elanna?"

What was I thinking? It doesn't do for the Captain to show too much emotion like that…I can't show weakness. It's the Captain's job to lead, to make everything look together. The ship will come apart otherwise. And damn it, even if I'm a terrible mother…..I'm Voyager's Captain.

It was already late when her meeting ended with B'Elanna. Janeway ordered her to keep the alien's offer secret for now. B'Elanna had preemptively ordered Seven to do the same.

Janeway knew she would not be able to sleep well that night, and instead found herself reading, and becoming even more distressed. She finally passed out on her Ready Room couch, and woke up about two hours later when her alarm went off.

She moved tiredly and replicated herself two coffees before attending the second meeting with the aliens, accompanied by B'Elanna and Seven.

It was evening when it ended and after a fruitless visit to Sickbay, where she found Gretchen still unconscious, she went back to her quarters. A little while later she called Chakotay over to discuss the alien's offer in private.

"I don't like being sent away from the table like a rambunctious little boy," said Chakotay, tone a bit petulant before it became firm, "But I realize that's not what's important here. What did happen in the meeting with the K'Terrans? It was supposed to be an hour and you all were in there all day. I saw B'Elanna in passing and she said I'd never believe it."

"Oh you won't." said Janeway, looking at him, "And you won't like it either….not the logistics anyway."

Janeway sighed, "Perhaps I had better start at the beginning. It's been a long day."

"You look tired Kathryn," said Chakotay comfortingly.

"I am," said Janeway, sitting down on the couch in her quarters, "Though I shouldn't be, or maybe I should. I don't know."

She looked away and put one leg over the other, swinging it erratically.

"Have you eaten anything since breakfast Kathryn?"

"No, I didn't eat anything at breakfast either," said Kathryn, still staring away pensively.

"You should eat something now," said Chakotay.

"I'm not hungry."

"You could at least have some coffee."

"Alright," said Janeway sighing, but not moving.

Chakotay stared at her for a moment, but then turned and went to her replicator. He tapped buttons and brought out a streaming mug.

He held it out to her, and after a pause placed it in front of her with both hands. She did not reach for it.

Chakotay sat in front of her for a long moment, staring at her until she unexpectedly broke the silence with her quiet voice.

"She could've died you know," she said, still not looking at him, "Permanently."

"I know," said Chakotay softly, "I don't like to think about it, but I know."

Janeway did not respond and after a moment Chakotay continued, "She didn't Kathryn. You can't focus on what could've happened. She lived. She's going to be okay."

Kathryn looked down, hands clenching and unclenching at her sides.

She was silent for a long moment before she looked up, expression fierce and voice unforgiving, "I left her, Chakotay. I knew, I knew how dangerous it was, I knew she might be dead already and I turned around and left her. What kind of mother does that?"

"The kind of mother who's a Captain, who has to try to keep all of us alive," he answered softly, "If the ship had been destroyed, she would've died too. Gretchen will understand."

"I know," said Kathryn, wiping her cheek suddenly with her hand as a tear fell unbidden, "But she shouldn't have to. She shouldn't have had to share me when she needed me…Why did I have a child out here Chakotay?" she said, looking up at him vulnerably, and then away, "I must have known how dangerous it was. That this day would come. That sometimes…..thousands of times I would have to choose between the ship and her….that it would cost her the little things, the things that make up a life…..and someday it might cost her that life too."

Kathryn continued haltingly, picking up a datapad, "I…after yesterday I wanted to know….all of what I could about what happened between us….I guess I was putting it off before…..maybe I was hoping she would say something, maybe I was afraid of what I'd see…I brought the Captain's logs from Gretchen's timeline out again…..it was even worse than last time….and these aren't even the ones she removed because they upset her."

"Listen to this, for example," said Kathryn holding up the datapad, "From my personal log, Gretchen was about 10, 'The annual science tests results came in today, Janeway's scores were average. She can't help Voyager if she continues like this. All of Tom and B'Elanna's children did better, and Thomas is younger than her. Why can't she be like them or myself at her age?"

Kathryn gave Chakotay an unamused look.

He sighed, "I admit that's a little harsh. But it's only one reflection."

"Oh there's more than one like that, every time test scores come around I was sure to be disapproving and recommend more classes. From the time she was 9 on a good half of my reflections were harping on her ineptitude in technological subjects…..I don't even know what she was good at, or interested in, future me didn't bother to write it down."

"Oh, here's a winner," said Kathryn, continuing to scroll, "Listen to this: Chakotay is going to be upset with me, he has been saving replicator credits for 6 months to purchase a Betazoid crystal doll. He is still on mission and I purchased Howard's Fractal Calculus, Integrated Spacial Engineering, and the 32nd edition of Comprehensive Advanced Science with Holograms with those credits today."

"Must have been that last one that cost so much," said Kathryn, frowning, "What was I thinking? That doll wasn't for you. And those books weren't either. According to a medical report this is about a week before Gretchen's 12th birthday. What was I doing?"

"Trying to give her a love of science," said Chakotay cautiously.

"A love? Yes, I'm sure she loved it after that," said Kathryn, shaking her head.

"She's quite good at science now. B'Elanna's an exceptional engineer, but I'd say she's as good as Joe Carey, and she has a broader knowledge base. She could work competently in several science departments, not just one."

Kathryn shook her head, "No thanks to me. This was her twelfth birthday remember, my last one with her. Whatever happened after that that made her so qualified wasn't me. But that's not the point," said the woman firmly, staring at him "What was I doing, putting all that pressure on a 12-year-old? Not letting her have a childhood? Basing my affection on her ability to perform?"

"Didn't your father raise you something like that?"

"Well…." Kathryn paused for a moment, looking thoughtful, "Yes…..in a way. I've told you the story about how he wouldn't give me candy unless I could get all the prime numbers up to 100 right, as a three or four year old."

"But I loved that Chakotay, it was a challenge," she said voice becoming fond and nostalgic as she turned to look at him, "Besides….I loved my father, he spent all kinds of time with me when he was home and introduced me to a whole universe…..The questions out there. It wasn't just rout learning, it was the way forward to another world….to a path I wanted to take."

"Why do I have the feeling I left in the demands and left out the relationship?"

Chakotay was silent as Kathryn looked pensive and continued speaking, "Besides….my father didn't treat Phoebe that way. Granted you could say that I was the oldest and he had me to give his Starfleet legacy to….but Phoebe was just a different person, he realized he'd only harm her if he tried to push her the same way….not that she'd let him…." Kathryn laughed suddenly, "I remember him trying that same prime number trick with Phoebe and she just walked away, to play with her dolls or paint probably….but I don't suppose Gretchen had that luxury…..there were all sorts of things in Indiana other than my father….most of our childhood friends didn't even know that he was Starfleet…..but in Gretchen's timeline…..there was just Voyager….and I was high dictator of it all…..In 30 years I couldn't get Voyager home…..so I pawn my failure off on a preadolescent child and expect her to solve my mistakes."

Kathryn hissed and tossed the datapad to the table angrily, "Everytime I think of that woman I want to wring her neck."

"You did the best you could," said Chakotay gently, though his heart hurt as the situation sank in.

"No," said Kathryn, looking at him fiercely, "She did not do the best she could, because I'm going to do better."

Chakotay laughed a little, and smiled warmly even as the sadness refused to fade, "That's very you Kathryn. When she wakes up, you'll get your chance."

If she wakes up.

Kathryn sighed deeply, "I suppose I should tell you what the K'Terrans said, it's an opportunity that may be too good to be true….and comes with strings attached."