Janeway wasn't through with work until midnight. The deal with the K'Terrans had gone through, but it had been exhausting to broker the details, especially as she was the only senior staff diplomat allowed to speak to them.

She frowned deeply at her desk as she was finally able to turn off her computer and let her attention wander elsewhere.

Gretchen almost dies, finally wakes up after two days, and I can't even talk to her when she does…..I'm sure she's already asleep in Sickbay again…..she had better be after an injury like that.

Janeway sighed as the doors to her Ready Room opened. She was startled and stood up instinctively as she saw who was lingering in her doorway, oddly enough in full uniform.

Gretchen's clothing and rigid, formal posture kept Janeway at her desk, watching carefully as she approached, rather than springing forward.

The young woman looked around distantly as she entered, pausing too long as she walked forward to stand in front of the desk.

Is she remembering our pointless fight?...Or that I walked away from her when she was dying?...Or something else all together?...

Gretchen's body was tense and straight as she began to speak finally, avoiding direct eye contact, "I…..I realize I have no special knowledge of the Beta Quadrant…..but I still think…..another perspective could be helpful….."

Her voice was quiet and uncertain, and Janeway had never heard the tone from her before.

"I'm sure it was a shock to wake up and find out about the alliance with the K'Terrans," said Janeway cajolingly, taking a guess at her meaning.

"I….yes Captain," said Gretchen, not elaborating further, but twisting her hands in a way that looked painful.

"I'm not used to you being so formal…I don't really like it to be honest with you," said Kathryn intently, cutting to the chase and hoping to surprise her.

Is she having a vision?...Does she need to go back to Sickbay?….What's wrong?...

Gretchen nodded and looked forward at her, but did not speak, and it was almost as if she could not do so.

Janeway's stomach was tightening, as her instincts indicated something was badly wrong.

I don't like talking to a uniform with no one in it…

"Well, tell me what you think about it," said Janeway, trying to get her to say something, no matter what it was, "Harry and Tom must have filled you in. It's mostly done, but there are plenty of details to work out still."

"I don't know….." said Gretchen listlessly, looking away for a moment, "I don't have any opinion."

"You always have opinions," said Janeway, voice cajoling, "I'd like to hear it….I would've loved to have it before."

"I…..don't know," said Gretchen, voice uncertain again.

Kathryn came closer, debating for the slightest moment, taking in the sagging but erect shoulders and the expressionless face.

She grabbed Gretchen's chin with one hand suddenly and gazed directly at her eyes, "What's wrong with you?"

Gretchen pulled away, startled and blinking, but then the uncertainty was back.

Kathryn searched her face intently.

She had seen Gretchen resentful, scheming, furious, desperately sad, and even despairing…..but somehow this was worse.

It was as if no one was there…..not as if she was wearing a mask…..but as if she were a mannequin.

As if she didn't exist…..as if someone had erased her.

Should I slap her?...If there were a body of water nearby I would throw her in it.

What would my mother do? Thought Kathryn suddenly.

"Aren't you tired?" said Kathryn, "You look like you could use a good night's rest."

Gretchen looked vaguely surprised, but that was all.

Kathryn kept talking, "Why don't you take a bath, and then go to bed?"

"I…."

"You can use my bathtub," said Kathryn, smiling.

"No," said Gretchen, no reason, no argument, no heat behind her words. Kathryn felt as if the computer had given the refusal.

Kathryn sighed internally.

"Why?" said added pushing.

"Because," said Gretchen, scrunching up her face suddenly.

In disgust? Not such an automatic response.

"Because why?"

"L'Naal…."

Gretchen's bully in her timeline?

"L'Naal did what?"

Gretchen's face scrunched up again, "She said something about your bathtub, I haven't used it since then."

A full sentence and disgust….making progress.

"She said what?"

"She said I was probably conceived in it."

That is not what I was expecting.

Kathryn blinked at her in shock for a moment and Gretchen spoke dispassionately again.

"She was trying to bother me."

What kind of hoodlum was B'Elanna raising?

"Why would she even think to say that?" said Kathryn in surprise.

"I really like water," said Gretchen, "It's a Klingon theory that personality quirks are explained by whatever happened at conception."

Kathryn blinked one last time.

Well, that's not unlikely, that does sound romantic…

Kathryn jerked her mind back.

"I assure you nothing….untoward has happened in my bathtub," said Kathryn, voice professional, though she reached up suddenly to rub Gretchen's arms, "I'm the only one who has ever been in it…..alone."

"But why don't you use it?" she said cajolingly, "Take a nice warm bath….and then go to bed…..or have coffee with me afterwards….I'm going to be up awhile, I wouldn't mind a chat….I've missed them."

"Al…alright," said Gretchen, and Janeway was not certain which one she had agreed to, but they walked back to Deck 2 together, where their quarters were across from each other, and Kathryn led her into her rooms.

"Soak as long as you want," said Kathryn, turning on the water and setting out some towels and a robe.

Kathryn was relieved to see that Gretchen looked more like herself when she finally stepped out of the bathroom, wearing the plush pink robe.

"L'Naal got the better of you if you couldn't indulge your love of water after that," said Kathryn humorously, relaxing into her chair at the sight of her living, reasonably healthy daughter.

"I just built a new bathtub," said Gretchen casually, and Kathryn relaxed further when she continued to speak, "L'Naal sucked at psychological warfare, she always opened herself up to attacks. I mean she had a terrible temper, by her own theory it's not hard to see what mood B'Elanna was in when she was conceived…..and that's a lot more embarrassing on a human ship."

I do not want to imagine that one…Kathryn winced slightly and changed the subject to keep her talking.

"Was it a wood bathtub? Are you good at wood working?"

Like someone else we both know?

"Yes," said Gretchen, patting her auburn hair with a towel, "To the replicated wood, and I'm decent at making things….but Mary helped me with that….and Lynna 'helped'."

"The Lynna who blew up the Astrometrics Lab at 13?"

"The one and only," said Gretchen, turning to her and smiling, "She was only about 14 then and I was all prepared to punch L'Naal in her face if she said something to Lynna like she did to me. But she never did….."

"That could be really embarrassing to a young teenager."

"Yes, well," said Gretchen, becoming verbose as the subject of her crew continued, "Lynna could be sensitive and her parents had a marriage of convenience. I was afraid L'Naal would say something really mean about it…..but instead Lynna herself did later, and literally fell down laughing."

"What did she say?"

"That her mother must've taken some kind of steroid pill to get through…..going to bed with her father….and that's why she turned out hyper."

Kathryn grimaced.

"It bothered her….." continued Gretchen, looking strange, "But only for her father's sake. He loved her mother but…..it wasn't returned. She complained about him to Lynna all the time…..But Lynna thought the steroid theory was hilarious…..she knew she was loved….the pride of her mother's life."

"I hate to think of one of my crew in a loveless marriage," said Kathryn unhappily.

Another bad thing about my crew stranded here.

"Oh you'd hate it even more if you knew," said Gretchen raising an eyebrow, "Lynna's father was Harry Kim."

"What?" said Kathryn, eyes wide.

"He really does have terrible taste in women," said Gretchen, as she finished patting her hair, "He loved his daughter though."

"I would imagine," said Kathryn, suddenly sad.

The girl who died at 20 when Voyager's pilot console exploded was Harry's daughter…...just like the young woman who had her face clawed to death by a monster was Tom's…what were we thinking having children out here?

Kathryn forced her thoughts back, as Gretchen looked at her, remembering that Mary Paris had died in these quarters, and not wanting Gretchen to remember it now too.

Last time she was here she had a horrific vision of Mary's murder….and Gretchen herself died just days ago.

Kathryn shuddered, not able to stop herself.

She stood suddenly, quickly heading to her replicator, "Would you like some coffee Gretchen? Or tea? Bajoran soup? My treat," she said, turning back and smiling, "Though I suppose we're all be rolling in new holodeck and replicator credits now. We'll deserve them for all the hard work we'll be doing."

"I'll take soup….if you don't mind."

"Of course not," said Kathryn, replicating a soup and coffee, and gesturing for Gretchen to sit down as she handed her the mug.

There was silence for a few moments as they both took sips.

Should I bring it up now?

"I've been meaning to tell you….." said Kathryn awkwardly, "That I'm sorry I pushed you about the letter….Of course I'm much more sorry that it led to you standing up right then….but even if it hadn't, you had another day to write….and I shouldn't have pushed you."

Gretchen looked at her seriously, "I can't be what you want, just because you want me too."

"I know Gretchen, I'm sorry," said Kathryn genuinely in return, feeling they were talking about something much older than the letter.

Gretchen nodded, and looked away, silent for a long moment, "I mostly lost my temper because I was tired….and I had spent all night trying to write Owen Paris….and failing."

"Admiral Paris?" said Kathryn in surprise, "Was it professional? Or personal? Did you know him in your timeline?"

Gretchen shook her head, looking unhappy, "No. I was writing him because he's Tom's father."

Gretchen continued after a moment, "I don't know how much I should say but…..I guess it's okay to tell you Tom got a letter from him, you could find out that much yourself…..I wanted to respond to it for him….but I couldn't do it."

"Did Tom ask you to?"

"No, he just asked me to scan it for really important stuff," said Gretchen, looking up, "But he didn't ask for it back when I kept it."

"I spent so long…" continued Gretchen, looking away again, "….in a similar situation….and now I can't find the words to justify Tom to his father. I can't defend someone I love….."

Gretchen frowned unhappily, "Admiral Paris knows about my time travel….so I tried to put….all my past into words…..how we all looked up to Tom….what a great father he was….and I just kept thinking of this stuffy Starfleet Admiral staring at it and going that doesn't count, it hasn't happened yet, and deleting the letter….it made me so mad."

Gretchen sighed, "Not that I couldn't talk about Tom here and what a good friend he is….but once I started it was like all the memories came out…..And my inner four year old was writing the letter….and she can't make an argument a Starfleet Officer would listen to…..everything I wanted to say just seemed….worthless."

"I think," said Kathryn, whose eyes were teary suddenly, "That you've greatly miscalculated what kind of man Admiral Paris is."

"He sounded like a bad man," said Gretchen, making eye contact, "I know you like him. I'm sure he's a great officer, but that doesn't matter here…..you have no idea how badly he hurt Tom, I hate him for that….."

Like she hates her mother? Tom…even Gretchen just now….said they were so similar.

"Gretchen," said Kathryn intently, holding her gaze, "I've known Admiral Paris a long time….a very long time….he used to come have dinner with us when I was growing up…he loves Tom."

"Maybe we don't agree," said Gretchen slowly, "On what those words mean…..He loved the idea of having a son to carry on the family legacy….he gave him an education, helped him get into the Academy, was ready to take pride in all his accomplishments and show him off to everyone…..He was ready to support Tom as long as he was a winner….and when he failed he was cut off."

Gretchen shook her head, "Maybe he'll spend a day or two crying if something happens to Tom, maybe he'd pay his bar tab if some Ferengi wanted to hurt him, or even take a phaser fire for him if it came down to it…..but is that really love?...It seems to me more like he was molding a statue to himself out of flesh…..and he's willing to pay some liability funds out now that the experiment is a failure."

"Gretchen that's…..rather harsh," said Kathryn, eyes hurt, "Owen Paris is stubborn, he doesn't know how to change, but….."

"Love changes you," said Gretchen, looking her in the eyes fiercely, "I know, because I love Tom."

She looked away, fire suddenly gone, "Take it as the ramblings of a four year old if you want…..but I guess I had to make a decision….after the accident, when he was so broken, whether to keep loving him or not…..but I did, I really did…" she said, voice suddenly emotional, "I came to love him as a child, and it changed me. The me that would've existed if I hadn't loved Tom Paris…..is no longer an option…and if Admiral Paris felt a tenth of that…..he never could've written that letter to Tom," said Gretchen bitterly, "I keep trying to make him understand how valuable Tom is…lifting up his shattered pieces like diamonds, and knowing all he sees is broken glass."

Kathryn thought she would cry as she looked at her daughter's pained face, she bit her lip and blinked her moist eyes, trying to find the right words, "Admiral Paris knows how valuable Tom is Gretchen but… not everyone shows affection easily, or knows how to relate to their loved ones, or sometimes there are reasons they can't…..you and Chakotay, you're naturally warm, straight forward, you love someone and that's it, they know it…..not everyone is like that."

"Then how do you know he does?" said Gretchen, looking at her questioningly, shaking her head, "And why does it fall to Tom to understand that? Why did it always fall to Tom? Admiral Paris is the father. Why can't he change?"

"I don't know," said Kathryn vulnerably, at a loss, "I wish I could think of something to say….for both of you."

"It's not your fault," said Gretchen, glancing at her awkwardly now, "I'm dragging you through some issues of mine again…..and of all times….now…."

Gretchen's shoulders sagged and the silence of her actions was very heavy. She seemed to still then, and a vagueness came over her whole body. Kathryn was reminded terribly of the automatic behaviors she was showing earlier.

I was demanding, unyielding….like Admiral Paris …..she tried desperately to mould herself into my image…..to win my affection….but it didn't work…

"It's not your fault you couldn't please your mother," said Kathryn suddenly.

Gretchen gave her a short glare, and it was so sad Kathryn couldn't be at all happy that she'd finally shown her anger rather than her emptiness.

I said earlier she was acting like an empty uniform. As if someone had erased her…..was that someone me?

Kathryn felt nauseous and terrible chills went through her whole body.

Gretchen frowned at Kathryn's stunned and unhappy face, before turning her head down again to stare at the table, and in that brief moment Kathryn finally realized what 10 months of arguments had failed to reveal to her.

She doesn't hate me…..thought Kathryn silently…She hates herself.

The revelation whispered through Kathryn's mind as she looked at her daughter. It was heavy, but she did not cast it off. She would have to carry it, and own it, and let it change it her.

That was the only way…..to let her daughter heal.

A wound like that…..heals very slowly…..if ever….