Kathryn debated for a long moment, wondering if she should let Gretchen go to bed, or push her to talk further.
The young women got up suddenly and ended that internal debate, "I guess I'd better go check in with the Doctor," said Gretchen apathetically, "He's going to start wondering where I am."
He probably knows exactly where you are and is waiting for you to leave before he calls you in.
"Gretchen," said Kathryn openly, "Why did you come to talk to me?"
"Oh that," said Gretchen suddenly fiddling with her hands awkwardly, "I imagine it wasn't an important thought."
"Gretchen," said Kathryn, using a firmer Captain voice, "What did you want to talk to me about?"
"Aren't you worried at all that the K'Terrans killed all their men?" asked Gretchen, voice reluctant, but more normal, "Maybe it was thousands of years ago but still…..don't you think it's concerning?"
"They didn't kill them Gretchen," said Kathryn assuringly, "I'm not allowed to clarify that to the men, but I can tell you. They told me a little of their history, they exiled themselves from their men after an argument of sorts, an event they call "The Great Heresy".….It's a cultural and religious taboo to mention the fact that their men are still alive, but they are, they just live separately. If that's how they treated their males, I have no reason to believe they'd be any more aggressive toward ours…..And they're still around as a species…..it may not be as segregated as they claim."
"You don't suspect they're…..trying to prey on our men to reproduce or something?" said Gretchen cautiously.
"I don't," said Kathryn, shaking her head, "I don't think they want to be anywhere near them. They're far from those women who were throwing themselves all over Harry."
"You remembered that?" asked Gretchen suddenly, "I mean of course you did."
"I'll never forget it," said Kathryn, almost laughing, despite the gravity of the situation, "If they start shaking their hips at Tuvok I'll be concerned."
Kathryn's expression and voice became intent and instinctively commanding, "The K'Terrans saved our lives and they could get us home. And if we don't have their help, we'll be stuck going through hostile territory for years or spend decades going around it. I hope to avoid the former, and I won't stand for the latter."
"Right," said Gretchen, averting her gaze timidly, as Kathryn finished her speech, "I understand that's the way you want it…..well, I guess I had better check in with the Doctor."
Kathryn sighed as she exited quickly…I don't know that I've ever seen her…..submissive before…..I know a Captain has to have agreement, sometimes when it's difficult but…..I think I liked it better when she was yelling in my face…..what did happen when she was dead?...
Gretchen went back to her room after visiting Sickbay, and collapsed on her bed in exhaustion.
12-year-old Gretchen was awakened suddenly, and unpleasantly, by the sound of her mother's voice in their living room. She was a room away, and she knew her mother was speaking at a normal volume, or perhaps even whispering, but it sounded as if she was shouting in her ear.
Gretchen was cold despite the blankets, and felt pinpricks of pain all over, especially in her lungs.
"I'm glad there wasn't any problem with the diplomatic mission to the Thox homeworld," said her father's warm voice, "I would say it's been quiet here…..but the field trip down to Engineering today made our daughter sick, she's resting now with a hypospray."
"I hope she isn't faking an illness," said her mother disapprovingly, "Or more likely exaggerating. She can't afford to miss school."
"She isn't," said her father firmly, "She met the Thox aliens for the first time yesterday, and the Doctor says she's showing symptoms of the Thox flu. It's rarely contagious, but she must be particularly susceptible. He has her on medicine to help control the symptoms and he's monitoring her from here."
"I'm off tomorrow," said her mother, "Or as off as the Captain ever is. I'll keep an eye on her, if she really can't go back to school."
There was silence for a long time, and Gretchen almost felt herself slip under the pull of the medicine. But just as she started to drift off, she was jerked awake by her father speaking again.
"Before all that excitement," said Chakotay, voice enthused, but somehow cautious, "B'Elanna officially announced she would take Thomas on as an apprentice in Engineering. He was thrilled, as you can imagine, following in his big sister's footsteps so young…..and if I'm not mistaken B'Elanna was very proud."
"She ought to be," said Janeway with something like awe, "10-years-old and already done with Engineering 2. That's some kind of record, at least in the Delta Quadrant. I'm sure he'll get a lot out of his apprenticeship."
"He'll be spending a lot of time there," said Chakotay, and Gretchen could hear the nervousness in it, though he hid it well, "Our daughter will be alone in a lot of her classes, I was thinking we could arrange an apprenticeship for her."
"No, Chakotay," said her mother firmly, and Gretchen breathed in deeply at the strength in the refusal, feeling her lungs scream with pain, as the voices continued to scream in her ear, "She hasn't finished Pre-Engineering yet, and she's not nearly mature enough. You remember her hysterics all last week because her fish was sick. All she could do in Engineering is irritate the life out of B'Elanna."
"I disagree with that logic," said her father, "But as a matter of fact I wasn't thinking of B'Elanna…..I was thinking of you."
"Chakotay….." said her mother, in a put-out tone that made every pinprink in Gretchen's body ache and seem to bleed with pain.
"There's a lot she could learn from you that has nothing to do with her grades in Engineering," said her father gently, "You could give her a chance."
"There will be time," said her mother, "When she's older I'll consider it. If she's not dissolving into tears over a fish," she finished dismissively.
Gretchen felt her lungs seize suddenly, as if she would vomit them up.
"Kathryn," said her father seriously, and she felt her lungs quieting down as his warm voice washed over her, "It seems just a week ago I held her in my arms for the first time. The next day she was five years old, sitting in my lap, telling me she wanted to be the quadrant's greatest dancer. The day after that she was dancing with Tom in front of all of Voyager, as tall as his chest, half grown up."
His voice became more fervent, "And I was staring at her the whole time, trying not to blink. When you turn your eyes away from a growing thing, they change. She's not grown up yet, but she's not a baby either….You're missing your chance now to get to know her, to be her mother…..for the rest of your life Voyager will be here…..but what about her?"
There was no response.
"She's going to ask," said her father stubbornly, tone becoming heated, "She's going to ask. And how am I supposed to tell her Thomas' mother wants him by her side, and her mother doesn't want her there?"
There was silence for a long time, and despite her enhanced hearing, Gretchen strained her whole being not to miss the response.
Finally her mother spoke, and every sad word felt like a drum thrumming through Gretchen's body, "Chakotay I can't…..I just can't. She would be a burden I can't afford…..."
Gretchen did not hear anymore. Her body seized and she gasped desperately for air as her lungs refused to move.
Gretchen gasped for air as she woke up, but suddenly heard and felt them fill. She breathed in and out deeply for long minutes, finally comforting herself that they worked and she was not suffocating to death as she almost had the night before her mother was killed.
The Doctor had caught the attack from Sickbay, given her additional medication, and as it had happened her mother had stayed up all night watching her in concern. She had almost forgiven her mother for her nasty words when she had mysteriously left their quarters…..and been murdered by Marla Gilmore.
She abandoned me so easily…..I was nothing but a burden to her…..why can't I forget her?
Gretchen shook, and stood, remembering that Voyager was again at an awful crossroads, and without her future knowledge there was not much she could do.
I wish Thomas were here, she thought sadly, looking around instinctively, as if he would pop into her doorway, as he had thousands of times on her Voyager. Before she had come to the past, there was hardly a single problem she had faced without him.
Despite his absence, she somehow felt stronger at his thought, and wondered what he would suggest if he were beside her.
You have two problems, she almost heard him say, Number one, you need to find out what you saw when you died. Number two, you need to help Voyager with the K'Terran transfer. You don't have to solve it, but you must be involved. You never know what you can do if you're there.
Gretchen nodded to herself, and held her fist to her heart for a long moment, hoping that whatever she had seen was not lying completely, and her crew was really okay, and waiting for her somewhere.
I love you all.
"Doctor," said Gretchen, entering Sickbay about 15 minutes later.
"Ah Gretchen," said the Doctor, "I'm glad you checked in this morning, let me give you a scan," he said holding up an instrument, "Do you feel alright?"
"I feel fine," said Gretchen, truthfully, "I wanted to ask you a couple of questions."
"Ask away," said the Doctor, moving to his office, and clicking some screens, "I have to make the most of my time, this stasis is adding a lot to my workload, but I'll answer what I can."
Gretchen breathed in, "Was there any sign of…..an alien presence when I was…..dead….."
"Oh," said the Doctor, turning and looking at her awkwardly, "I guess someone told you. I didn't know if you'd want to know you were actually…..gone."
"Tom let it slip, but I kind of knew already," said Gretchen, "Was there? Like when my mother was attacked on that planet in the Delta Quadrant?...When you had to drive an alien out of her mind?"
He tapped a few buttons on the screen, and was silent for a couple of minutes.
"No," he said shaking his head, "I just checked again, but I was very, very involved with bringing you back. There wasn't a second after the initial crash that I wasn't looking at your vitals….and I saw no sign of any brainwaves or a presence of any kind…..while it's impossible for me to rule out all forms of telepathy or spiritual manifestation….as far as known science goes…..you were just gone," he said quietly, "And while that alien must have seemed subtle to your mother….he was far from subtle on this side of it. I can say quite confidently it wasn't that creature…..Did you see something when you were dead? There are….various accounts of near death experiences…..they're disputed but…..there certainly are those who claim to see…..something after death."
"I did," said Gretchen awkwardly, looking down, "But if it wasn't that creature or something similar….I'm even more confused than I was….."
"I'm not a spiritual director….." said the Doctor gently, "Your father or Tuvok would be more appropriate…..though I'm sorry to say you have limited time to see either of them….unless you want to wait several months…."
"I know," said Gretchen, nodding, approaching the Doctor and hugging him a moment later, "Thank you for saving my life."
"I….you're welcome," sputtered the Doctor, as she let go.
She realized he was humming to himself cheerfully as she walked out the door.
As she left Sickbay the turbolift opened and B'Elanna and two other Engineers walked out, each carrying large tool cases. Gretchen moved out of the way as they strolled forward, taking up the entire hall and briefly blocking her access to the turbolift.
"Ariti, Hargrove," shouted B'Elanna as they came to the door across from Sickbay, "In there, I want at least ten of them set up before noon."
Gretchen felt her stomach drop.
It's really happening…..Tom, Harry, Chakotay…..all of them out of my life again…I hope they wake up….what if they don't?...
The two women with B'Elanna obeyed wordlessly and entered the room across from Sickbay. B'Elanna turned to enter Sickbay itself, frowning intensely. She glanced briefly at Gretchen, giving her the slightest nod of acknowledgement before moving past her.
She's really low energy…..I bet she's so stressed she can hardly see straight…..that's a big job for Engineering, and while trying to train replacements.
Gretchen took in a very deep breath, and clenched her fist, moving back into Sickbay.
"Hey B'Elanna," yelled Gretchen, in a more normal voice than she felt, interrupting B'Elanna's conversation with the Doctor.
B'Elanna turned to look at her, face impassive.
"You want my help today?"
"You're not a bad Engineer," said B'Elanna evenly, "And we're understaffed, but I am not answering to the Captain for putting you to work right now."
"Doctor?" said Gretchen, turning to him, "I think it'd be good for me to work."
The Doctor looked between Gretchen and B'Elanna for a moment, seeing both of them hiding hope on their faces.
"Oh alright," he sputtered, "I was going to give you the option for a half shift tomorrow anyway. But nothing hazardous, and I'll be making sure you stick to that time."
"Thank you Doctor," said Gretchen, smiling.
"You can go help Quinn and Rogers," ordered B'Elanna, voice becoming temperamental, "You can keep them on task. Make sure their work gets done, and it gets done right."
"Yes, ma'am," said Gretchen, smiling to herself once she was out of Sickbay.
Just like old times.
The turbolift doors opened again, and a turquoise alien, which Gretchen recognized as a K'Terran, entered the Deck.
Gretchen's eyes widened.
Didn't the Captain say they wouldn't be allowed on Deck 5? But I don't know the most recent orders….I wasn't supposed to work today.
Gretchen ducked back into Sickbay, "B'Elanna," said Gretchen urgently and the Klingon hybrid turned to her in irritation, only for her look to change to one of howling anger as she saw the K'Terran lurking behind her.
"You're not allowed on Deck 5!" screamed B'Elanna.
"Is this Deck 5?" said the K'Terran's high voice, smiling at B'Elanna, "We were looking for Seven of Nine in Astrometrics."
"That's Deck 8," hissed B'Elanna, "Gretchen you take her."
"I…..this way please," said Gretchen awkwardly, walking back to the turbolift. The tentacled creature followed, smiling widely, showing her sharp teeth.