The Doctor had either forgotten, or was watching her vitals rather than the time because Gretchen spent almost a full shift in Engineering before he reminded her that she needed to leave.
They were still extremely busy, but B'Elanna managed a terse thank you as she checked out, and a less terse request to come back the next day after lunch when the male engineers would be most eager to have extra time off.
As she entered the turbolift her brain started to switch gears. It was almost evening now, and she too had to consider the time she had to spend before the men went into stasis.
I need to talk to Tuvok. I've barely seen him, I haven't meditated since…since I died.
She wasted time in her quarters, waiting for anyone to get off their shift, or for her normal meditation time to come.
Finally she was restless enough to go down to the Mess Hall. She had skipped lunch that day and decided to take dinner earlier than she usually would.
Much of Voyager ate late, and the Mess Hall was oddly empty as she entered.
She heard Neelix fussing in the kitchen, and about six Voyager crewmen were sitting talking quietly at various tables.
She approached the kitchen. He seemed to be talking to himself, banging various pots and pans and describing everything he was doing.
She knew he was stressed, but the flurried movements made her wonder if he was having a breakdown.
"And then…" said the Talaxian, cracking what looked like a neon yellow egg, "I take the Hoolian Egg, which is Naomi's favorite type," he said meaningfully, glancing toward the pantry closet, "And I crack 20 of them into a bowl, because I'm going to make a Hoolian Cheese Souffle."
Gretchen moved part-way toward the closet and heard…sobbing.
"She's been in there since lunch," whispered the Talaxian nervously as Gretchen came toward him, "I've done everything I can think of to get her out…..but it's not working….."
His voice turned very sad, and he looked despondently at the bowl, "She wants me to go play with her…I have to finish these," he whispered, "I have to. It's for Voyager…..it's for her too…..but she doesn't understand…..I tried to get her to help me, I keep talking to her, let her know I'm here, that I'm thinking of her but...All she knows is we're leaving…..I won't be around for months…..And I can't even give her the time I do have left….."
"I'll finish this," said Gretchen suddenly and very firmly, grabbing the spatula out of the Talaxian's hands.
"I appreciate the thought," said Neelix genuinely, and for a moment the voice in the closet stopped sobbing, "But you don't know how."
"I know things Neelix," said Gretchen intently, knowing she could not mention her time travel in front of Naomi, "I know things…..Maybe it won't be exactly as you would've, but you can't just leave her like that, can you?"
Neelix looked at her for a moment in indecision, but as she took the bowl and started mixing he suddenly relaxed and smiled in relief.
"You can leave the cooking to me," said Gretchen, gesturing with her head toward the door, "This is important."
Neelix looked indecisive again but Naomi popped out of the closet in the same moment, all smiles, running to Neelix and grabbing his hand.
The Talaxian sputtered out some cooking directions and promised to come back soon as he was pulled away by the tiny red-headed girl.
Gretchen looked around the kitchen as he left, finding that he had left notes to himself on what to cook next, and that most of them had recipes in the computer database.
I'm so glad Mary went through that cooking phase in my timeline…..she started out terrible, but by the time she trained me she wasn't bad…..I hope I remember enough…..how hard can it be?
"It's awful Gretchen," said Tom, putting down the tasting bowl of chilled green soup, "Which means it's one shade better than Neelix's cooking. Congratulations."
"Don't let Neelix hear you say that," said Harry evenly, as he sipped the green liquid, "But I agree, it's…only marginally bad."
"Yeah," said Tom, "The aftertaste isn't quite as bitter as normal,"
Tom got up from his seat in the kitchen where he and Harry had joined Gretchen at their normal dinner time, "I'm all excited about your cooking career Gretch but I am absolutely not eating this for my next to last night conscious. I have replicator rations to burn through."
"I hate to say it," said Harry, also standing up, and speaking apologetically, "But I'm with Tom on this one….unless it bothers you."
"It doesn't" said Gretchen truthfully, "But I was thinking maybe I could do a tasting dinner for you all. I'm not really the best judge of this food…..and I do want to do a good job for Neelix."
"As long as it all smells like diesel fuel or a leak from that new core they're putting in Engineering it all came out well," said Tom, moving toward the replicators. Harry looked at her cautiously, and she smiled at him, letting him know her feelings weren't hurt.
The men came back in a few minutes, Tom with a steak dinner with mashed potatoes, and green beans and Harry with fried fish, fries, and a small salad.
"Stop and eat with us," said Tom, "You may not get too many more chances."
"I can't," said Gretchen, opening up a bag of purple root flour, "But you can talk to me."
There was silence for a few minutes as the men ate and Gretchen worked.
Finally Harry spoke seriously, "Are you going to propose to B'Elanna again Tom? I know she said no a month ago, but you're about to be away from her for half a year maybe."
"Yeah, that's why it wouldn't be fair," said Tom, "So no, I'm not going to renew that offer, unless she starts hinting around or something…..but I don't think that's going to happen."
"Why wouldn't it be fair?" said Gretchen, glancing at him as she put the root bread into the oven.
"Cause it would be a distraction right now," said Tom, "She'd be forced to think about me even more, rather than doing what she's likely to, and ignoring her feelings as much as possible."
"Maybe she doesn't want to ignore them," said Gretchen stubbornly.
"Yeah, you think like that," said Tom, pointing his fork at her, "B'Elanna doesn't besides,…..what if I don't wake up?"
Gretchen stopped what she was doing, and the bowl she had picked up nearly slipped out of her fingers as she turned around. She stared at Tom in dismay.
"I don't expect that to happen," said Tom, suddenly regretting what he had said, "I'm just saying….it'd be easier for her to move on, if I'm just some old boyfriend, rather than her fiancé, or a husband. I'm not going to tie her down right before we're put to sleep for months on end."
Gretchen continued to stare at him, her face frozen in fear.
Not again….not again…..not again…..not again…..
"Look," said Harry, interjecting suddenly in a cajoling, almost cheerful tone, "It's only four months, that's not a long time, and then we'll all be back together. We should think of something to do to celebrate it…do half of a Captain Proton or something, and then the other half when we get back. And Tom can propose when he's back to normal, unless B'Elanna falls for some Klingon or something."
"Thanks for bringing that up," said Tom, slapping him on his arm in annoyance, and glancing at Gretchen, relieved when he saw she was pensive, rather than frozen.
"Yeah let's do a holodeck adventure," said Tom, "You've been avoiding Captain Proton for months Gretchen, ever since you got stuck in the Dungeon of Pain overnight…..but come on, you can get revenge on Chaotica."
"Alright," said Gretchen, agreeing quickly, and turning back to the bowl of yellow gelatin in her hand.
Anything to avoid thinking about what could happen.
Gretchen spent most of the early night in the Mess Hall until Neelix returned, and then two hours of Harry's holodeck time playing an intense Captain Proton. It was the only one, in hundreds of adventures, in which Gretchen's character, shrieking 1930s secretary Constance Goodheart was not kidnapped.
Gretchen said goodnight to Harry and Tom, who both had early shifts, and found herself in her quarters, at the unhappy medium of completely exhausted and yet too restless to sleep.
Finally she felt her consciousness shift, she was uncertain if she was sleeping or not, but she saw a vision in her head that was not there.
9-year-old Gretchen clapped to the music as a beautiful woman took to the stage on Tom's TV set. She was sitting between Tom and a stuffed bear. 7-year-old Thomas was on the other side of the stuffed bear, staring intently at a datapad and a teenage Mary was on the other side of her father.
A dashing man took the woman's hand onscreen, and suddenly flipped her over her head, as they broke out in a lively dance number.
"Oooh!" said Gretchen, "What kind of dance is that?"
"I don't know," answered Mary kindly, but Tom spoke at the same moment, "It's a jive, baby."
"I want to do one!" said Gretchen, as the dance continued, "I bet I totally could!" she said springing up and moving to the side as the number finished and the boring plot of the movie continued, "Thomas come dance with me."
The young boy shook his head, even when Gretchen grabbed his hand and attempted to pull him away, "Please," the girl begged.
Thomas looked at her, clearly distressed now, torn between pleasing Gretchen and continuing his study.
Gretchen began to let go, but just as she did so Tom took her hand, "I'll dance with you," he said smiling widely, and dramatically leading her over to the open space beside the couch.
He stomped a dance step and Gretchen imitated, and then tried herself, and he imitated that. It continued for several moments of awful dance moves before they both heard Mary dissolving in giggles, "I think you both need lessons," said Mary gently, "Maybe your holographic ballet teacher can do jive," she added helpfully, "You could both go to lessons."
"Would you do that TomTom?" asked Gretchen suddenly, eyes widening in joy as she grabbed his shirt beseechingly and looked up at him, "Please, please, please, pleeease?"
"Sure Beehive, I'll dance with you," said Tom, smiling at her warmly, and putting a hand on her head.
"Thank you sooo much TomTom," said Gretchen's young voice, throwing her arms around Tom's waist and squeezing.
The adult Gretchen smiled, even in her sleep, but a moment later the dream changed.
12-year-old Gretchen stared at Tom's face, pale and unmoving, expressionless on the medical bed, as it had never been in life.
Even now sweat ghosted on his face, and his shirt was wet with it, evidence that he had not passed peacefully or painlessly. She had rarely been allowed to see him over the last few weeks, but had heard that the best medicine on the ship could only slow a cascade of violent and painful seizures.
There was silence from the body now, and despite everything, as she stared it became something of a relief to Gretchen. She was just old enough now to understand, to know that it had been a long hard road down for Tom. That he was better off, in a way, now that the silence had taken him.
I love you TomTom, cried Gretchen's thoughts, staring at the face, I'll never ever forget how much I love you.
Gretchen gasped as she woke up, falling out of the bed to the floor.
She shook all over as she saw that it was very early morning, the last day before the stasis.
Before Tom's face would again be silent, along with Harry's, her father's, Tuvok's, and half of the ship.
I wish it were already here ….I don't want to think about this…..the dread is going to kill me…
What would Thomas do?...thought Gretchen, struggling to get up, and do something, anything to help Voyager get through this.
Thomas is dead, answered her thoughts, Thomas never existed in the first place…..You wiped that timeline.
Gretchen cried out suddenly, very slowly managing to push herself into a seated position, and stared at the wall hopelessly, trying to control her breathing.
Gretchen was startled when she awoke on the floor, her muscles cramped as she stood up, and processed that her doorbell was ringing.
Her head hurt and her body ached as she looked at the time and realized that it was much later than it should be, the long fitful night must have forced her to sleep well past breakfast.
"Who is it?" she asked, knowing she must look terrible and hoping it was not the Captain, or another long list of people she did not want to see her like this.
"It's Tom," came the easy voice.
Oh, well, that's different.
Gretchen did not even bother straightening her top or running a hand through her mangled hair, but she stood and moved toward the replicator as she passed the door, pressing it open. Her throat was terribly dry.
"Well sleeping beauty," said Tom easily, as he entered, "You look like you just rolled out of bed. And you missed breakfast."
"I just rolled off the floor," said Gretchen, "I'm still on medical leave remember? I'll sleep in if I want to."
"You still having visions Gretch?"
"Yes," said Gretchen, replicating a tea and downing it in one go, "Nothing I can do about them."
"You want to tell me about it?"
"No," said Gretchen firmly, his empty face floating into her memory, and she pushed it down with great effort, focusing on the Tom Paris who was, for the moment, conscious.
"What's up?" she asked, "Aren't you supposed to be on duty?"
"The Captain approved everyone sneaking away from their shifts today when possible, the Bridge is slow right now so…..I wanted to talk to you while I can…I saw you had an Engineering shift today, and I imagine it will go longer than planned. And I have a ridiculously early shift tomorrow, and then….stasis."
Gretchen grimaced.
"I don't want to say goodbye to you," said Gretchen, turning away from him and facing her room, expression blank, "I need to believe I'm going to see you again,"
"Hey now," said Tom, "You'll see me again….and I wouldn't have been so dramatic about the goodbye….but this can't wait…..at least I don't think so."
"What is it about?" said Gretchen, turning back to him, both curious and cautious.
"You and the Captain are going to have to rely on each other a lot," said Tom simply, "You can't just leave things like they are."
"What does that mean?" said Gretchen, half in annoyance.
"It means….." he said sighing, "That I think the, 'I won't tell the Captain I dance' and some such will get worse with Harry and me, and Chakotay gone."
"Why is that such a big thing to you?" said Gretchen, putting one hand on her hip.
Tom looked away for a moment and then turned back, uncharacteristically serious, "Because I know how badly I wanted to be whole Gretchen."
Gretchen stared at him.
"I tried you know, I tried to share myself with my father…..it never worked, except when he wanted it to….he encouraged me in my love for flying, but not my love for old cars…My ambition to join Starfleet, but not my ambition to join the Ocean Service…and so on and so forth…anything that served him was rewarded…..anything that was just…Tom…was ignored….or punished….."
Tom crossed his arms over his chest, "I remember him telling me 'men don't cry'…I was seven…..I might've been a little too attached to our family dog when she died…..," Tom blinked his moist eyes remembering, and then he shook his head suddenly, looking away, "It went on like that….with me knowing I could never please him….and yet somehow not wanting to fight back…Then my mom died when I was at the Academy…it was very sudden…..and I just…..it took all the breath out of me…...All of a sudden it was like the only part of me left was Admiral Paris' son…. So I just started acting more: more confident, more swaggering, more aggressive about flying. And that's me….it is….but it wasn't all I was. That was more….my father's impression of me."
Tom sighed, continuing, with Gretchen looking at him transfixed, "And I found this group of pilots….really good friends, or who I thought were really good friends. And we were all reckless, and cocky, and…." Tom gulped again, "I'm pretty sure it was me that suggested it. This crazy banned maneuver. I thought I could pull it off."
Tom looked at the floor, and then looked at Gretchen. His eyes were blank as he stared meaningfully, "And I could. I was right." He scoffed at himself, "I really was that good of a pilot…"
"But they weren't," added Tom in a whisper, clenching his fists and looking down again, "They all died, except me."
"At first I lied about it, said it was an accident, blamed their errors, made myself look good….. Later my father…the admirals…..they called me a coward for lying about the maneuver…..heartless to blame my friends…..but, I didn't do it because I was a coward…..because I didn't care about them, I did it because I was the only one who lived….and it seemed like one of us should get away with it. If I had died, and they all had lived, that's what I would have wanted. For them to get away with it, and live their lives."
His voice was strangely unemotional as he spoke, as if he had to tamp down too strongly on them to get through the story. But his face was conflicted as he continued, "I was officially in the clear, officially free to continue my life and vaulted Starfleet career. I thought that was what I wanted…But I went to the funerals…..And then my father spoke to me, told me how proud he was of me for managing to heroically survive what I had said was an accident…..and I realized …I didn't want to spend my life hiding…..from the truth, from myself. I had to tell him the truth, I threw it at him…..I watched his world crumble. And he hated me…..and once I was kicked out of Starfleet….I ran as long and hard as I could."
"And then one day your mom stopped me in my tracks," said Tom, holding her gaze intently, "And I didn't realize it then…..but she was offering me a chance to be Tom. The Tom that loves flying, and the Tom that screws up sometimes, who never shuts up about antique cars and Captain Proton, who always has some crazy idea to entertain the ship, and seems sleazy but actually cares…she even made me remember the Tom that believes in Starfleet…..most of the time. The real Tom Paris. She and Harry, and eventually B'Elanna…..they offered me the chance my parents didn't…the chance to be liked for being myself….I think she'll offer you the same if you let her."
Gretchen stared at him, too shocked for a moment to respond.
"I think you should give your mother a chance," finished Tom, dead serious, making eye contact and holding Gretchen's unhappy gaze.
"She's not my mother," said Gretchen, almost hissing at him.
"No," he said looking at her intently, "I disagree with Harry, they're not two people…..Just like I wasn't two people."
"I hate her then," said Gretchen heatedly, looking away.
"No," he said firmly, "You don't."
His voice softened as Gretchen's face did, "There are bad people in this universe but Kathryn Janeway's not one of them, and neither's her daughter…they missed each other once, it'd be a shame if that happened again."
Gretchen bit her lip, eyes becoming moist, as she struggled to push her emotions down. She turned back to Tom, her gaze oddly empty.
"At any rate….," his eyes were intent and his voice was soft, but she could hear in it what she could only describe as the real Tom Paris, "I want you to know I'm offering you that chance. I like you for yourself. Your weird past, the visions, your putting pound cake in soup. Gretchen may be an odd person, but I like her, even if she screws up, if the ship is all on fire when we get back, I've got her back. I won't abandon her because she failed, no matter how many times, or how badly."
"I love you Gretch. Not in the same way as B'Elanna, but really. I didn't want to go to that stasis knowing you needed to know, and I didn't tell you."
Gretchen stared at him for a long moment wordlessly, but then almost against her will she felt herself speaking, "I've always known you loved me Tom, I've taken it everywhere I've ever been. I'll never forgotten you in my whole life, not even for a moment."
Gretchen was frightened then, afraid she had said too much, for this Tom could not remember nicknaming her Beehive the day she was born, or holding her in his lap, supporting her toddler arms, as his daughter handed her baby Thomas for the first time. There was no blood tie between them, nothing to fall back on if Tom did not accept her offered memories. There were a thousand moments she could remember, which he never would. If he declared their original bond one-sided now, there was nothing she could do but hurt.
But Tom did not wave her feelings off, instead he smiled, very gently, and approached, bringing her forehead down and kissing it.
He looked straight at her, and then away awkwardly, "I know I'm about to be in stasis for months…..damn lot of good I'll do you there…..but it's a good crew…..it's a good Captain…..and Voyager has a very strange way of giving second chances….. "
Gretchen was staring at him wordlessly again, unable to take it all in, and he smiled suddenly in his easy manner.
"Harry and I will come over and play a game of checkers or something before our last shift, even if it's at 4 in the morning….and I'll bring some Captain Proton comics and stuff…..they're giving both Harry's and mine's rooms away…some of the ladies are moving up in the world…..I don't mind, it wouldn't be fair to keep them in cramped quarters for months for no reason. We've been offered storage, but I'll bring some stuff you might want when you're bored."
"Well, I'd better get back to my shift Gretch, they'll start missing me on the Bridge,"
He hugged her suddenly and then smiled, waving as he left.
She felt the air change as he exited the room, it was much colder suddenly.
She sagged against the wall, leaning against it on her way down. She pulled her knees tightly into her body, and sobbed.
She stared at the wall for a long time, trying finally to meditate, and failing.
I'm definitely going to find Tuvok before he goes into stasis. Tomorrow morning is probably my best shot. Maybe he can give me some advice...on how to get though this...
.…I have to do this, she thought, breathing in and out, shaking. Voyager's depending on me.