Running the Bridge with almost all new head officers over the next week was…..an experience for Captain Janeway. It should've been easier than it was, everyone had worked their current placements for years on the night or other secondary shifts.
But the Captain always gets the senior staff, thought Janeway to herself, well not always….but almost always, and certainly not so many secondary crew at a time.
It was a fine crew, it really was, and Janeway was trying to rid herself of the natural prejudice she had after all these years, for having Tom in the pilot seat, and Harry at comm., and Tuvok at the security console.
Seven was in Astrometrics right now, B'Elanna was in Engineering, and she was the only senior officer on the Bridge.
That's one problem.
The chair beside her was empty.
That's another problem.
"B'Elanna," said Janeway, tapping her combadge suddenly, if only to hear a voice where it was supposed to be, "What's your estimate for the take off?"
"You called at just the right time Captain," said B'Elanna, "We're ready now."
"Engage gas engines at will Lieutenant," ordered Janeway.
Suddenly there was a very odd sound, like dropping a pebble underwater, and the space outside Voyager was obscured by a shimmering shield that resembled a bubble. The ship lunged forward into the darkness.
About an hour after they had gotten on their way, Janeway moved to her Ready Room and started, as usual, to look through her reports.
During the day her Ready Room was about the only place on the ship that seemed the same as always, and it was a relief when the doors closed and she could replicate herself another coffee and sit at her desk.
She looked through B'Elanna's and the Doctor's latest reports, which confirmed her decision, and as the day shift began to end, she clicked her combadge, "Gretchen, I want you to come up to my Ready Room,"
"Yes, Captain," came the familiar voice.
Gretchen entered her office a little later, standing formally and a bit awkwardly, but there was no sign of the haze she had been in when she had last been there a week ago.
"Gretchen," said Janeway, standing and moving out from behind her desk as the younger woman approached, "Sit down if you like, I want to talk to you about the staffing situation."
Janeway gestured to her couch, and then moved over to the replicators, asking if Gretchen would like a tea and receiving a yes.
She moved back, handing her the mug and sitting across from her with a coffee.
"As you know, a lot of the staff is being moved around because we're down so many people. Gretchen," she said looking at her, a bit hesitantly, and tapping her finger on the coffee cup.
She resisted this so strongly before.
"I know I promised you your choice of assignment, within reason, but….."
"You want to transfer me permanently to Engineering," finished Gretchen casually, shrugging as she sipped her tea again, "I figured. I've made my peace with it. Three months ago it would've just been you throwing your weight around, but now it doesn't just make sense, it almost has to be done."
"Well," said Janeway smiling, and feeling some relief, "I do have some positive news for you as well, though there's one more thing before that. And I'm not sure how you'll feel about this one," said the Captain, looking at her intently, "But I want you to be Voyager's official liaison to the K'Terrans."
"What?" said Gretchen in surprise, and some dismay.
Janeway's voice turned cajoling, "Someone has to lead up diplomatic efforts with them, and it should be someone on senior staff. B'Elanna obviously, is not my first choice, and I don't think Seven is a particularly good fit either. The Doctor is stuck in Sickbay, and I have to run the ship. But it isn't just that, you're good with them Gretchen. B'Elanna says you are, that you've helped take the pressure off her."
"Just because I did well with them this week," said Gretchen, starting to look rather panicked, "Doesn't mean I'll continue to be….."
"I'm not expecting miracles," said Janeway, cutting off her self-deprecation, "I'm expecting there to be problems….mistakes, no one on this ship is perfect, including me. But you're the best choice, I believe you can do it."
Gretchen looked at her awkwardly, at a loss, and Janeway continued, "I've been looking for a chance to develop your skills anyway. You're the only senior staffer who isn't in charge of a particular section. Considering B'Elanna's work habits, I'm planning on setting up a separate section of Engineering for the K'Terrans to work in, to get them out of B'Elanna's hair. But I don't want them to feel they're being exiled, so I want a team assigned to them. I want you to head that team."
"What about someone not on senior staff? Sam Wildman is a xenobiologist and works in Engineering, she's an obvious choice."
"Yes," said Janeway, "As a team member, but she's not senior staff. I want someone who answers to me, and not B'Elanna, but who can also work with her. That's you."
"I…."
"But you can pick your team," said Janeway persuasively, acting as if it were a done deal, "Privilege of rank. At least two people, anyone you want from Engineering to transfer to your section. Whoever will work best with the K'Terrans, and you. I agree that Sam is an obvious choice," prodded Janeway.
"Well," said Gretchen, looking away for a moment, and then back, "I'd pick Athena, but B'Elanna would kill me for snipping her second-in-command. She won't be happy with me stealing Sam either," she added with a grimace.
"B'Elanna would do just about anything to get the K'Terrans off her back," said Kathryn firmly, "And besides, they're not really leaving Engineering. B'Elanna can still give you all work, it'll just mostly be done within your section. I'm essentially creating a task force, whose leader will answer directly to me. It's a bit unorthodox, and could certainly be misused to challenge B'Elanna to the detriment of the ship, but I'm trusting you not to do that," finished Janeway confidently.
Gretchen shook her head, "I know B'Elanna's a better Engineer than me, I don't have any interest in disrupting her work flow, or challenging her for control of Engineering."
"See," said Janeway, nodding her head, "That's what I expected. You know already how to work with both of us, that's a rare skill right now. And you've already shown you can work with the K'Terrans."
"Maybe I….I honestly didn't expect this to make sense," said Gretchen, glancing away again, "But the more you keep talking the more I think it does fit."
Janeway found herself laughing suddenly, "See, I am a good Captain. I know my people," said Kathryn, smiling warmly at Gretchen.
"And," added Janeway, "My good news is this, I'm giving you an emergency promotion to Lieutenant."
Gretchen looked at her with eyes wide, and gasped, "I don't want anything to do with Voyager's command structure again," she breathed softly, looking away.
"You don't really have a choice," said Janeway, trying to balance firmness with persuasion, and finding her voice more open than normal, "None of us really has a choice if we want to get home Gretchen."
"You know I screwed up," said Gretchen, gulping, and staring away, "You know now that half of my crew rebelled against me. That my ship was destroyed on my watch…..I don't want that to happen to this Voyager…..I don't mind helping out….maybe….maybe you're right about the task force but….." Gretchen shook her head furiously, "I remember the last time someone gave me a rank that wasn't…just perfunctory…and I made so many mistakes…..I still don't know what they were…..but I know I watched my crew, people I loved more dearly than my next breath…..suffer…"
Gretchen breathed in repeatedly, as if to soothe herself, and her hands clenched tightly in her lap as she faced the floor.
But Kathryn did not back down, more certain now, that she had made the right choice.
She moved, sitting next to Gretchen on the couch suddenly, holding the warm mug in her hand tightly, "Gretchen you kept your crew alive, your ship running for 7 years in a hostile environment. You went 5 without any causalities…..I've never done that…..and I barely know a Captain who has."
Gretchen raised her head, but her face was pained, and her breathing was shallow. Her eyes were alert, and she began to speak, but Janeway interrupted her.
"I know you're going to say that that wasn't you, that that was your crew, and I'm sure it was them, just as I'm sure you were a part of it…..there's no way with 8 people on board that you as Captain couldn't have been involved, couldn't have been a vital part of why your crew worked, why you survived for so long in an impossible situation."
Gretchen looked down again, and Janeway could see tears falling along her cheeks. She sniffed, and somehow the sound was bitter.
"The worst thing," said Kathryn suddenly, clenching the mug again tightly, "The worst thing about being the Captain is that when it doesn't work out…..when you make a mistake…..or you just don't know…you still have to get up the next day and be Captain…The losses…the deaths….." she said, very softly, "You don't always…..maybe not even often, get an answer for them…..but even if you do, even if you realize it was your fault, you might spend your nights crying, hating yourself…but in the morning you're still the Captain, and it starts all over again."
Janeway breathed in deeply, staring forward and feeling Gretchen's eyes on her now. She had said much more than she intended, but there was nothing for it. Even as the tears glistened in her eyes, she forced the emotion back, and looked at Gretchen, speaking evenly but intently, "I don't want to put this burden on you, but the truth is I can't do this by myself…..I wish I could…..If I could get out and push us home I would, even if it cost me every cell in my body…..but I can't. I need your support. And you need mine," she said reaching our and tilting Gretchen's chin up suddenly, "And B'Elanna's, and Seven's, and Sam Wildman's, all of Voyager's. I know you don't want another crew. But you need one. We're not going anywhere. And I sure as hell am not letting you take the easy way out. So you're stuck with us. We're going to fight to get home."
Gretchen smiled somehow, ironically, remembering what she had told her mother. That this Kathryn Janeway wanted to fight. That living meant fighting.
"I miss Thomas," said Gretchen suddenly, pulling her chin away and standing up, facing the other direction, "I know it's stupid but I do,"
"It's not stupid to miss the people you love," said Janeway forcefully, "I wouldn't ask you to stop, I wouldn't want you to. I'm not asking you to forget your crew, to move on in that sense of the word. I'm asking you to tough it out, to sit with it, to let your love for this crew change you. It's hard to do the dramatic things, to face the Borg, to stare down Rift aliens…"
Kathryn sighed deeply and held Gretchen's gaze, "But I'm not sure it isn't harder to do the mundane things…..to show up and try…..to open your heart, at least a little bit, when it feels like that will make everything you love crumble to dust."
Gretchen looked at her and then away, "If it doesn't work out this time, I'm done for…..I know it. There'll be nothing of me left."
"I know," said Kathryn, gently but firmly, "But the only way to live your life is to put everything on the line, to give it everything you've got….And what's the alternative really? Hiding in your quarters while Seven and B'Elanna and the Doctor try to save the ship?"
"I fought to come back you know," said Gretchen, staring at her now, somewhat angrily, "I fought to come back when I was dead. So don't call me a coward."
"I wasn't calling you a coward," said Janeway, voice deepening, "I know you're not. I was trying to reminding you of that. And it looks like I succeeded."
There was a brief pause and Kathryn spoke again, "Do you want to talk about what happened when you were….gone? I wanted to ask you but you haven't seemed eager to be alone with me and…well, we have both been so busy."
Gretchen shook her head, looking away "I'm dealing with it…..." she said dispassionately.
Apparently realizing that might be a worrying statement she looked back at Kathryn with a normal expression, "I did talk to Tuvok about it," she said reluctantly, "He gave me a meditation schedule…..and a therapy technique…..I'm doing okay, I really do want to help the ship."
"Gretchen….," said Kathryn softly.
Gretchen looked away and spoke again, "Honestly I think I'm more bored than anything…..Isn't that stupid?...All of the things that could be getting me down since the stasis…..and I'm bored."
"I don't think that's so surprising," said Janeway, "Boredom can be more dangerous than you'd think…Neither of us do well when we're forced to sit on our hands. And you've just lost Tom and Harry who you spend so much time with…..and Chakotay and Tuvok too…"
Gretchen frowned unhappily.
"How about we make a date to play Velocity?" said Janeway suddenly, "I know you just pulled a double shift…..and I have one tomorrow, and then all of that work with the Bridge crew…how about the night at the end of the week," she said, picking up a datapad and looking at the ship schedule, "It's not ideal, but it's something…."
"I don't want you feeling sorry for me….." said Gretchen pathetically, "And I don't even have any more credits or anything."
Does her therapy have something to do with the holodeck? She just got new credits.
"I don't feel sorry for you," said Janeway, standing assertively, voice optimistic, "I feel sorry for me. I'm bored and I want to play Velocity. It's been since before the Jen Hadar attack."
Gretchen shook her head suddenly, scoffing a bit, but smiling, "Alright."