In Engineering, Gretchen had watched B'Elanna be angry now for three days straight. It was not the petulant temper Gretchen was used to, but a restless anger that seemed to be eating the woman from the inside out.
Gretchen had stuck near her as her assistant, trying to take the edge off of her blindness. The woman seemed to rally at the funeral, but as soon as it was over she headed back to Engineering in a gloomy, irritated state that was painful to watch. The rest of Voyager's engineers, what remained of them, were not much better.
Gretchen had been ordered away briefly, to work on the second floor with the K'Terrans, and when she came back the woman was having a heated argument with, of all people, Sam Wildman.
Gretchen lingered as she got near, not wanting to interrupt them.
"I guess I understand…..at least a little bit," said Sam softly, but with pain under-girding her voice, "I was so angry when I got that letter from my husband...And I have a daughter, and my parents and sisters to think about. Rachel never felt she had anyone."
"She had us," hissed B'Elanna angrily.
"I know," said Sam sincerely, "But she didn't have any family."
"The Maquis are a family," hissed B'Elanna again, slapping her hand against the wall loudly, "It's Starfleet that's a damn social club."
"Voyager is a family," said Sam cajolingly, "I just meant it has to be hard not to have anyone to fall back on, anyone waiting for you."
B'Elanna looked as if she would say something else but Sam spoke up again, almost angrily this time, "You have your mother B'Elanna, neither of us knows what it's like to be really alone."
"And if you can say that," answered B'Elanna heatedly, "You don't know what it's like to lay everything you have on the line with people. I had Hargrove's back in a damn clunker of a ship that was about two screws away from exploding at all times. I didn't care about her family or her background, or even her damn instability. I just knew she was there, with us. I had her back. I wouldn't have abandoned her, and she goes and does this."
"You have a right to be mad at her B'Elanna," said Sam, voice soft again, "That laser torch was…."
"I'm not mad at her because I'm blind," exploded B'Elanna suddenly, "Now read the damn numbers and shut up Wildman."
There was uncomfortable silence for a moment, but then B'Elanna spoke again, "Men," she hissed violently, "This is all his fault. He knew what leaving would do to her. Rogers left her behind when he could, after years of taking whatever she had to offer him. Just like my damn father. They never care what they're doing, no loyalty at all."
She continued in a dangerous, low tone, "Maybe I should've killed Rogers myself and saved Hargrove the trouble. Been a real Klingon and handled this for her."
"It wouldn't have done any good B'Elanna," came Sam's sad voice, "Then she just would've felt more alone and hated you for it…..Besides…I think it was a woman behind it...You heard what she said last...," said Sam, looking away, voice choking, continuing softly, "...I don't think it was him she was begging to stay…..you know her mother abandoned her…..."
B'Elanna's face fell, uncharacteristically, and Gretchen paused as if frozen.
Hargrove murdered in cold blood, and she hurt B'Elanna, I'm not too sorry she's dead, I was hoping we could all move on now…
Gretchen stared at the two despondent women.
I don't know why I thought this would be over after the funerals…..that's not the way it works, is it?...
They're gone…..their bodies are nothing now…..but somehow what they did…..it still lingers in the air like poison…
Gretchen gulped, remembering the two crewmen who were gone….and then another funeral….that had also lingered in the air…..long after it was over.
Her stomach twisted, and she suddenly felt as if she would vomit.
How come Tuvok's idea still isn't working?
She shuddered.
I think I'm out of credits again. Is there anything else I can do to stop the nightmares?
...Damn, I might have to ask for her help.
Janeway sighed to herself at her desk the night after the funerals, tapping her fingers on her desk unhappily.
I wish I could write someone about Rogers and Hargrove…..maybe lessen the pain a little for their family, pass on what B'Elanna shared at their funerals…..but there's no one to write is there?
Her stomach twisted painfully.
She jerked in surprise as the doors to her Ready Room opened. Gretchen was standing in the door frame, as she had a few nights ago, but there was no phaser rifle in her hands, and she was not in uniform.
The younger woman nodded at Kathryn as she entered, sat down on the couch, and casually pulled her glowing Final Card deck, a gift from Chakotay, out from her turquoise overnight bag. It was still in the Ready Room, despite her abandoning it as her sleeping place two months ago. Gretchen started shuffling and laying out the cards as Kathryn watched for a moment. She had seen the younger woman do it dozens of times before and it felt nostalgic, even soothing, despite the awful week Voyager had had.
Kathryn kept on glancing in that direction as she returned to her reports. Finally she finished what she had to and closed her computer.
"You'll have to throw a tournament of Final Card now," said Kathryn, breaking the silence in the quiet room, and feeling out her daughter's state of mind, "As soon as we get through with Velocity…..I suppose we'll start that up again soon?"
The younger woman looked at her, a bit startled, but answered, "Yes….I guess maybe next week…..I haven't thought too much about it…..with everything…..but we'll all need distractions again….I guess."
"We will." said Kathryn nodding, "We still have a long way to go on this trip."
"Yeah….." said Gretchen, shaking her head and turning her gaze back to her game, "I hope you don't mind me hanging out like I used to…..I don't like Starfleet funerals…..and I'm out of holodeck credits again."
Kathryn's instincts perked up, unpleasantly. That's the second time she's mentioned that in my presence…..does she want me to ask?
Kathryn got up and moved toward the couch, sitting down on the opposite side from Gretchen. She spoke in a mix of cajoling and serious that she hoped would get under her armor, "Gretchen, did I tell you that one of my crew….got in some trouble on the holodeck, a few months before you joined us? She was spending a lot of time and we….ignored it….until it was almost too late."
"You mean she had that…..illness I've heard of somewhere…..holoaddiction?" said Gretchen, turning to her briefly, "That seems like it wouldn't be taken too seriously out here. How can it be too late to get someone off of holonovels?"
"No," said Kathryn, voice becoming intent, shaking her head, "She was hurting herself, doing dangerous things….she could've died….she did almost die…."
Kathryn gulped, holding back her emotions as she remembered the state B'Elanna had been in…..how they had almost lost the vibrant young woman to a self-inflicted holographic accident….that her self-harm had gone on for weeks, maybe months, before anyone had seen beyond her façade to help her.
"Is that what you think I'm doing in the holodeck?" said Gretchen, face surprised.
"I hope not," said Kathryn seriously, "But ever since you…..died….you've been spending an awful lot of time there…I don't have Harry and Tom and Chakotay anymore to let me know what you're thinking…if I overlook something it might be too late."
"I'm not hurting myself on the holodeck," said Gretchen firmly, shutting down the conversation and turning back to her cards.
Well, pushing her last time didn't work very well, she sighed internally, she'll talk when she wants to talk I suppose…..but she did come here tonight.
Kathryn stared at her as she began to flick the cards out again.
"Alright," said Kathryn, "Holodeck time is private. It's none of my business if you don't want to talk about it."
Gretchen glanced at her for a moment, apparently relieved, and surprised.
There was silence for a long time. Kathryn picked up her copy of Dante's Inferno, and flipped to the first page, starting to read it again as Gretchen played with the cards. The silence finally turned companionable, rather than tense.
Then suddenly she heard a long sigh, "Why do humans hold funerals anyway?"
Kathryn looked up at her in surprise, and Gretchen backtracked, "I mean…..I know you're trying to read."
"I've read this book a dozen times Gretchen….I'd much rather talk to you," she said shutting the volume, "Though I'm not certain I can answer that question."
Kathryn laid the book on the table and stared forward, thinking for a long moment, "Part of it's practical, there has to be some form of burial…..and most cultures came up with religious rites to accompany that…but from a secular perspective…..they give people a chance to accept the death, to come together and recognize what they've lost."
"That's…." said Gretchen, glancing at her again, and frowning, "I still don't get it…..They don't seem to solve anything…..the crew is still a wreck about Rogers and Hargrove…..the only one I've ever been to in my time didn't seem to solve anything…..not for me anyway…..Tom's did but…..I wasn't really there so….."
Gretchen trailed off into silence.
"I don't know," said Kathryn pensively, "I don't know that anyone really understands why we do it…..but I suppose we have the idea that they help those left behind heal, sometimes anyway….."
She turned to Gretchen then, and found the young woman frowning deeply, looking oddly lost.
"You seem upset about…..something specific," prodded Kathryn.
Gretchen looked up, "Well I…..it's very late….and I don't know if it's fair to tell you," she said reluctantly, looking off.
Well, if that isn't worrying…
"It's not all that late," said Kathryn easily, "And I've pulled plenty of all-nighters before."
Gretchen did not respond.
"I think I'd rather be told," said Kathryn, steel entering her voice unbidden, "Than be left to wonder."
Gretchen glanced at her again and sighed, shoulders sagging, "I'm…..trying to implement some advice Tuvok gave me…..it's not working very well…..truth be told I came here to ask you about it…..but it's so late, and you're busy."
"What advice did Tuvok give you?" said Kathryn quickly.
"Well….." said Gretchen slowly, "He was trying to help me come to terms with what I saw when I was dead….." Gretchen paused.
"What did you see?" asked Kathryn intently.
"I saw my mother, Captain Kathryn Janeway, white hair, 62 years old," said Gretchen quietly, looking off.
Kathryn breathed in and almost froze in shock, but Gretchen continued.
"At first I was trying to figure out what I saw. For awhile I wondered if it was one of those demons….." said Gretchen slowly, dispassionately, "One of the aliens that appeared to you as your father when you were dying."
Kathryn felt chills all over her body and shuddered as she remembered the terrible encounter on that alien planet in the Delta Quadrant. At times, when it was very late at night, she still wondered if the creature was lurking nearby as promised, waiting for her to die so that he could carry her soul or energy off to the darkness to feed on.
Had the creature come for her daughter instead?
Kathryn's stomach was suddenly terribly tight, and she felt that she would vomit.
Gretchen turned to her for a moment, eyes distant, "I wondered if it was trying to trick me by appearing as my mother, like it tried to trick you by appearing as your father…..But the Doctor said no."
She continued, "I had him check, and there were no signs of that like there were with you…no odd energies or brainwaves, so far as he could find I was just…..dead."
"I knew already it must have been a true out of body experience," said Kathryn, "Despite how strange that sounds to me…..I did really hear you in the Briefing Room…"
"Yes," said Gretchen evenly.
"I suppose…" said Kathryn slowly, the idea very strange, "It's not impossible it was your mother…."
"No," said Gretchen, looking at her, "It wasn't."
"You seem…..very sure."
Gretchen held her gaze, "I haven't seen my mother since I was 12, I didn't understand her very well…..and she understood me much less, I didn't dare speak my mind in front of her."
She stared back at the wall and shook her head, "And yet suddenly, unbidden, the moment I see her she tells me everything I want to hear….Exactly what I wanted to hear…..At first it was quite convincing, like a dream, though there were dissonant moments. But as it went on it sounded far more like someone trying to impersonate my mother to get me to go into that stupid lulling light…..Tuvok thinks….."
Gretchen picked up one of the cards in front of her, and stared at it, as if to comfort herself.
"He said maybe…..maybe because I didn't fully attend your funeral…..that I never had closure, so my mind conjured her up…..that I still think she's alive or something…."
Gretchen winced and looked off.
"Vulcans are very big on rituals," said Kathryn, trying to take it all in. She stared at Gretchen, who was facing forward, back rigid and shoulders sagged in defeat.
"Will you show me what you're doing on the holodeck?" asked Kathryn, voice deepening.
Gretchen continued to stare at the wall, but nodded tersely, every muscle in her body tense.