All The Things Between You and Me

by Fangirl17

In most situations, Mikasa takes what she can get, especially where Eren, her...her...whatever he was to her, was concerned, and she was more than willing to let that pattern continue. Too bad life was so adept at kicking her out of her comfort zone. "What am I to you?" Mikasa asks a simple question and the world tilts. Major spoilers Ch. 5 to the end

5. Double Date & You Are Precious to Me

The word 'date' hung in Eren's head bringing it with it a sense of foreboding. He'd never been on one before, never even thought about going on one, or having one, however you did one. It was just a concept that never occurred to him before. It was…foreign in the same way the concept of being a titan shifter was to anyone who wasn't, and he didn't quite know what to do with it or himself for that matter. Why did he let Sasha talk him into this? How did he let Sasha talk him into this?

A memory. He could make it a memory they could both remember. That's what she'd said as she stood as some sort of gatekeeper to the women's barracks, refusing to let him in. "You can't tell me you're going to finally finally confess your feelings to Mikasa covered in dirt, sweat, and wearing a torn shirt?"

"Yes." He steadfastly ignored the fact that she knew why he'd literally sprinted over the moment he had the opportunity. Of all the days for the Captain to kick open their door with the loudest of bangs and throw him into the hallway by the collar of his sleep shirt, it had to be this one. And of course, Eren would freely admit that it was his fault for forgetting about the training they'd scheduled after dinner, but couldn't the captain have tossed him around last night instead of first thing the next day? To make matters worse, Hange suddenly had a spare moment to do some experiments instead of relaxing like a normal person who worked all the time and got no rest. And now Sasha had decided she was some sort of relationship authority? Come the fuck on! He had waited long enough.

"Move Sasha or I will move you." Her eyebrows shot up.

"You're going to fight me?"

"What? No," he sighed in exasperation. "But I will get past you one way or another so you can make this easy for yourself or harder."

"Okay, wait a minute Mr. Destroy all my enemies." Two nervous palms were held up a little too close to his face. "Hear me out. You know I wouldn't hold you up from this if it weren't for a good reason." Objectively, he knew she wasn't lying and could tell she had something to earnestly say, but damn. What was with everyone delaying him today?

"Fine. Be quick."

"Great! Eren, I love both you and Mikasa, and I certainly wouldn't ever dream of keeping the two of you apart, so if you really wanted to march in there right now and declare a vow of everlasting love for each other –

"Sasha!"

"I will move right out of the way and you guys could be all loved up before dinner." Why did she have to say it like that? "Or you could wait and create a little romance."

"Romance?" He could feel the simultaneous confusion morphing his features and the heat of embarrassment reddening his face. "And why would I do that?" If he made eye contact with her, would she know the disarray his insides had just been thrown in?

"Why would you – Eren, every girl appreciates a bit of romance, especially from the person they like. Mikasa's been waiting for you all day. Do you think the payoff would be more special if you ran in there now, probably not even sure of what you want to say or if you put a little effort in to make a memory you both can remember forever." He blinked at her, embarrassment momentarily forgotten as her final word gave him pause. Forever. There it was again. The word everyone kept using so freely. The one thing he no longer had. The one thing he wanted to give Mikasa now more than ever. He could make this a moment between them, one they could both keep, him until he died and her long after. Eren sighed.

"How do I – I'm not sure if…uh, ro…mance. Romance. How do I do…that?" As a hand rubbed at the back of his neck, Eren knew he definitely couldn't look Sasha in the face, but he could, for sure, do something special for Mikasa, especially after the last few days. When's the last time he did something special for her? He couldn't remember.

"You know I'll help you. I want to see both of you happy," Sasha said lowly, hands settling on his shoulder to catch his attention."

"Uh, okay. Thanks. So…what do I do then?"

"Glad you asked. Have you ever been on a date before?"

"Wh –

"Dumb question." Her head flew back, shaking with laughter so obnoxious Eren was scowling before he realized. "Of course you've never been on a date before." Somewhat offended, he went to go on the defense, but quickly closed his mouth when there was nothing he could really say. Well, not nothing.

"You don't have to put it like that, Sash." She glanced at him, her thinking interrupted.

"What?" Fuck it. So what if he's never done anything like this. He's never cared to before now anyway.

"Never mind. What were you thinking?"

"Well it was just going to be me and Niccolo, but –

"Who's Niccolo?

"– But I – what? How do you not know – It's not important. You'll meet him tonight."

"Tonight? But aren't I –

"If you let me finish what I'm trying to say…"

"Sorry."

"Anyway, I can let you guys tag along even though that means having to share all that delicious food. This is how much I love you two. Please recognize my devotion."

"Wouldn't that defeat the purpose of talking if two other people are there? I didn't plan on having this conversation with others around. I was thinking it would be just me and her. You know…alone." Sasha's eyebrows wiggled so aggressively at him that he took a step back, a little put off.

"Wow, Eren. You might be cooler that I thought."

"I…don't know what you mean."

"No worries. We'll be there because one: I will not be missing an opportunity to enjoy Niccolo's amazing cooking. Two –

"Oh, so he's a chef?"

"And two: first dates can be a bit awkward, so having other people there is will help break that up. Plus there will be plenty of time for you to talk afterwards once the mood is set." What was she talking about?

"I don't think it would be awkward."

"You've never been on a date or confessed you're feelings to someone."

"And you have?" Was he supposed to be ashamed? What was her deal? She huffed, blowing out her cheeks.

"Do you live under a rock or something? Are we not on the same base, see each other every day?" Eren paused.

"Wait, you actually have? Who have you – wait. Never mind. I don't want to –

"Stop talking, Eren. Are you in or out?" It didn't seem like a bad idea, and her bad ones were normally obvious upfront. And well, she did seem to know what she was talking about, at least to him when looking at the complete lack of experience he had in the area.

"I take it we'll be eating on this…date. Is that it?"

"Eren, Eren, Eren. What else would we need to do? Of course, you guys will go off on your own after so you can be alone, but eating together is where that mood I mentioned will be set. Food is the only way to a girl's heart." He frowned.

"I'm pretty sure that's just you, Sash."

"Nonsense, I'm a girl. I know what I'm talking about. So?" Her last statement left him feeling just a bit skeptical but…what could it hurt?

"Yeah, I guess."

"Awesome! You won't regret it. This is going to be the best date that you and Mika will ever have. No other one will top it, because if we do everything right, there will certainly be more."

"What do you need me to do to make this thing happen?"

"I'll take care of everything. You just need to show up after a fresh shower in clean clothes. I'll get Mikasa there."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, yes. You can count on me." After telling him when and where he needed to be, she shooed him off to get ready, which was how he found himself in this ridiculous predicament. Like Mikasa gave a shit which shirt he wore. She'd seen it all before, anyway. Nope, it didn't matter at all, and he would just put on whichever one his hand landed on first which just so happened to be the button up that she'd already seen before. It was nothing special.

The fact that it had a collar on it would keep him warmer than his go to shirt anyway. And if he looked a bit nicer in it then that was because he didn't wear it as often and the material was less worn. She'd seen his hair too. He wouldn't look any different if he ran that comb through it one or two or thirty more times. Nope, no difference at all. Of course, there wouldn't be. Not that there needed to be any difference. It was just Mikasa. Well not just Mikasa, but maybe it was just time to go already, because all of this was ridiculous.

Eren couldn't deny the slight edge he was on walking through the base and out its gates. Knowing that he'd successfully avoided the guys and the potential shit they'd give took some of it off, but not enough to put him at ease about all of this. He wanted to do this, to make a memory for Mikasa more than himself. It's why he agreed, but did they really need this to make it special? Was having just the two of them together not enough?

But he could see it now as he walked through town. It blurred with the images in his head, making it hard to tell one from another, compelling him forward. The two of them walking down a well lit lane, business owners, children, other couples enjoying themselves too. The feel of her hand in his own, the light reflecting off the water from the boardwalk, just having a good time amongst others. Street vendors were selling exotic foods and treats from the different countries they had acquired; and although they couldn't afford any of it, it was nice to look, to wander about just walking and walking together until they reached the Mountain Side.

Blinking quickly, the bright lights, the people, the hand in his own faded away, rippling out of existence as though it had never been there. His fists curled up constricting so tightly, nails digging into their palms to try and quell the welling panic as his chest started to contract and expand too rapidly for comfort. Head turning to and fro, green eyes darted around the street working hard to gather himself. Again, he'd faded to the background. It happened, again. How long had he been walking? How long did it take him to get here? How did he manage to make it here?

"Hey, you okay there?" He didn't mean to do it, he really didn't, but Eren hadn't registered that anyone else was near and when that hand, seemingly out of nowhere, fell onto his shoulder, he reacted. Grabbing the hand, he turned sharply, twisting the attackers arm and eliciting a sharp cry of pain. Before he could go to sweep his legs from under, Eren froze seeing the blonde hair and brown eyes of a man in fear. Remorse flooded him as his grip on the man released, feet stumbling back a few steps.

"Sorry. I didn't – you surprised me. Are you hurt?"

"Uh – no. No, I'm fine." he murmured, attention focused on massaging his wrist and rolling it in circles. Spotting the bouquet that must have fallen during his assault, Eren scooped them up and held them out, tilting his head as the man took them. Where had he seen this guy before?

"Do I know you?" And judging by the way his eyebrows furrowed, the scowl forming on his mouth, he was definitely supposed to know him.

"Um…"

"I'm Marleyan. I've cooked for you before." Cooked?

"Oh, you're Niccolo." Now he was blinking, disbelief clear in his next words.

"You know my name?"

"Well I didn't but Sasha mentioned a chef and you said you cooked and we're both here so…"

"Makes sense, I guess." He nodded moving towards the cottage-like building there were in front of before pausing. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He would have to be, now wasn't the time nor the place to have a melt down.

"Right…well come on in, I guess." As Eren followed him into through the door, he was hit with the warmth from a fire place on the far wall of the larger than it looked on the outside building, and the smell of something really good and saying as much, which sending Niccolo off on a spiel about food that he'd never thought he'd hear from someone other than Sasha. It was a bit different, more informed but the enthusiasm carried the same energy.

Halfway listening, he walked up to the lone table situated in the middle of the room. Four places were set on red mats with lace trim, forks and a knife on either side, and in between each setting were tiny flower petals littering the white table cloth. If that wasn't enough the bouquet he'd given back just a few minutes ago had been placed in a rather ornate vase in the center of it all, flanked by tall, slender candles waiting to be lit.

Is this the kind of effort people put into dates? Wasn't this a bit much?

"So have you known Sasha long?"

"Hm? Oh, uh yeah. I guess it's been awhile. Six or seven years, actually." He paused at his words, the numbers really jumping out at him. "Man, it doesn't feel like it's been that long, but at the same time like it's been even longer than that."

"So you know her pretty well then."

"Yeah, I'd say."

"Ah." Eren stared at Niccolo who stared back at him looking like he wanted to say something else, but in the end, his head bowed back over whatever he was working on by the bar. Okay then.

"Thanks for adding us to your plans, by the way. You need any help over here," he asked walking over to see a small cake being skillfully decorated.

"No, I've got everything under control and it's no problem. Sasha asked and there's more than enough food for four people, let alone two." It was mesmerizing, the little white loops being placed over a green base.

"You know, if there was ever anyone I might have imagined Sash being into, a –

"A Marleyan wasn't on the list." Eren felt taken aback by the sudden causticity in his eyes, the suspicion on his face. This asshole had some nerve.

For starters, I don't have a list of the possible people Sasha might like because I don't actually care. Also, before a few years ago, we didn't know there were people outside the walls, much less a whole nation of Marleyans, so no, a Marleyan would most certainly not be on the list if there was one. I was going to say a chef would make the most sense with her love of food; but hey, I can't imagine your Marleyan buddies would see her as anything but a devil, so even if I did hold some grudge against Marleyans, you couldn't exactly blame me, could you?"

"No…no, I guess not. I thought the same too before coming here. Everyone thinks that, but they've never been here."

"Yeah, well…" He turned to lean back on the bar, in no mood to have this conversation.

"I mean it! I don't think of her like that. I didn't expect this to turn into what it did or really plan it. I mean given where we're from, I don't know how this could end well, but I've never met anyone like Sasha. She eats so well, so beautifully." What? "And she's absolutely captivating, so vibrant, effervescent even. She's talented too and –

"Woah. Okay, I get it. No need to go on. Really. Just – look Sasha can take care of herself, but just know there's plenty of us that will kill you if you do something to harm her. That goes for anyone. Marleyan. Paridisian. Anyone."

"I would be insulted if she didn't have anyone looking out for her." Eren nodded and a more comfortable silence settled between them as Niccolo finished up the cake. "So has Sasha always had such a love for food?"

"Uh, yeah, at least as long as I've known her. Actually the first day of basic –

"Niccoloooo, it smells so good in here!" The subject of their talk came bounding through the door and up to them or rather the person she'd called out to. Just like that, the conversation had been dropped and he'd been forgotten about, but Eren didn't mind. His attention had also shifted to the person tentatively coming in behind her. He didn't miss the way she stopped when her eyes landed on him, and it was only a brief moment before his legs were carrying him over. They met in the middle, the urge to smile at her bewildered face, at just seeing her, tugged on his lips.

"Hey."

"Hey…what are you doing here? I thought you were still with Hange."

"I finished up there a few hours ago."

"Hours? You didn't come by when you were done. Did you…change your mind about talking?" If he didn't know Mikasa so well it would seem like an innocent question, very nonchalantly asked; but because he did, Eren could see the slight tightness of her lips as she tried to keep her expression neutral, keep her forehead smooth. He was quick to ease her growing discontent.

"No. No, I went to meet you as soon as I was free. I just…ran into Sasha first." She looked at him expectantly and he could feel the color rushing to his cheeks, heating up his ears. How did he say that she convinced him that this was a good idea, that this was – that they were on a –

"Okay! Let's get this double date started." To be honest, Eren's not quite sure what went wrong from there, but those words were apparently not good ones. He watched as she rolled her eyes to Sasha a light powder forming on her cheeks as she glared softly at their friend; but as silence settled between them, Mikasa's face went kind of slack, then it twisted into a puzzled expression, a slight tilt to her head as if she were trying to wrap her mind around what she'd just heard. When she squinted at him, her stare so piercing, he kind of froze up, not sure what she wanted. Whatever it was, though, she found it and wasn't pleased about it. Her eyes slid back to Sasha who had bounded up beside them.

"A word, Sasha."

"But the food –

"Now." And she trailed obediently like a kid who was about to get dressed down by their mother which actually might have been happening. Her face wasn't quite visible from where they chose to stand, but Eren could see the tense set of her shoulders, the way her fingers twitched, probably wanting to grab at her scarf. Sasha held up the palms of her hands in confusion, concern on her face.

"Is everything okay over there," Niccolo glanced over as he sat steaming plates onto the table. What had upset her? Was it that this was a date? That's the only conclusion Eren could come to and he didn't like what that meant nor did he enjoy the sinking disappointment that propelled him to where the two girls stood.

"- tell him that? Because I know about the bet you all have going on, and we'd better not be here because you wanted to take advantage of the situation for that."

"You know about that?"

"Yes, but that's not the point. Why are you meddling? This will just make everything weird again after we –

"What's wrong?" Their attention snapped towards him, Sasha looking a bit helpless and Mikasa deflating by the second while trying her hardest not to make eye contact.

"Nothing. Let's go eat."

"Great idea! I'll go see if Niccolo needs any help." She darted off and Mikasa made to follow, but Eren stepped in her path, peering down at her.

"Are you sure? Tell me what's wrong." At her somewhat uneasy stare, he rushed in, "I won't freak out, I swear." She shook her head.

"I didn't think you would."

"That look just now said otherwise."

"Whatever look you think you saw –

"The look I know I saw –

"It doesn't have anything to do with you. Per say."

"Per say?" He swore he heard her ask 'why did he always do this,' whatever this was, but he ignored it in favor of waiting on an answer to which she finally muttered,

"Sasha just caught me off guard with the whole date thing… I know you didn't come up with this idea yourself." She was right, but he couldn't help but be defensive about it.

"I could have." The unimpressed look he got dried up any need he felt to defend himself. At least his ego was soothed when she added, "If you say you were already there to talk to me and ran into Sasha first, I doubt you changed your mind so we could eat some fancy dinner and pretend to be on a date."

"Who said we were pretending?"

"This isn't a real date or date at all. Not for the two of us."

"Why not? Do you not want to be on a date? With me?" Eren knew he shouldn't be so indignant about it, but he also didn't enjoy the way his heart was hammering in his chest, which it probably wouldn't be if she weren't making him have to ask such questions because of her utter refusal.

"That's not what I'm saying. I wouldn't mind going on a date. With you."

"Then what's the problem?" He didn't like the way Mikasa tilted her head at him as if he were the naïve one between them.

"Eren, dates are for people who have…special feelings for each other. Both parties have to have them. Like those two foodies over there. If I know you, you probably agreed to this because you felt bad for keeping me waiting all day – even though it wasn't your fault – and thought this would be a nice way to make good. Am I wrong?"

"Not completely, but –

"Then this can't be a date. I appreciate the sentiment though." She patted his arm and he just stared down at her, kind of at a loss. He was more than bewildered and was experiencing the strangest sense of defeat.

"Do you want to go?" What else could he say at this point.

"We can't leave."

"Why?"

"Because you haven't eaten all day. By the time we get back, the mess hall will be closed." Her tone and expression were as firm as they always were when it came to his wellbeing."

"You have to eat too."

"Mh, you're right. Let's hurry then. I…I wanted to see you all day." Maybe he doesn't feel so much like a loser after all.

Eren never expected that he'd be grateful for Sasha's appetite or her borderline gross eating habits, but it meant that they didn't have to have much conversation, which meant he could eat as quickly as he could, which also meant Mikasa scolding him. He could get a stomach ache or choke or something or something, but he was going to get out of here and take her with him and it would be just the two of them alone together, free to say whatever they wanted.

It didn't help that Niccolo thought his vigor was for the love of his food, which was good, but he just kept bringing it out. Dish after dish. Try this. Try that. If they liked that, they'd definitely like this. If he wanted to talk to Mikasa two days ago, he'd regret ever signing up for this because it didn't seem to matter to her anyway. If he had just figured out a different path to fixing this stupid fucking war, Sasha wouldn't be dead right now, shot by a goddamn brat! Then Mikasa wouldn't be crying, and Armin wouldn't look at him like he's a stranger, and all those people wouldn't be screaming and running and getting crushed, absolutely flattened and –

The way his fist slams down on the table, it was a kneejerk reaction once he vaguely realized that his mind was slipping away from him once again, thoughts going awry, being a constant reminder of what's to come – of what he failed, is failing, will fail to stop.

"Eren." Mikasa was shaking his shoulder and he could see liquid from her tipped over glass trickling to the floor, most of it already staining her pink skirt.

"Your skirt's wet," he said numbly and grabbed a napkin from the table to dab at the growing spot.

"What was that?" She tried batting his hand away, but he resisted, gripping the material tightly to keep himself. It was happening so often lately. Why?

"It's gonna stain if we don't get as much out as we can before you wash it."

"Forget about my skirt, Eren. What happened? Why'd you do that?" But he couldn't stop trying to clean up the red of the spilled wine. He needed to focus, to come back, to stay grounded, to –

"Eren." Mikasa yanked his chin up, her gray eyes boring into his, confusion present but he just looked and looked and looked on until he managed to squeeze out,

"This is your favorite one."

"I might have something that could help in the kitchen." Right. They weren't alone. Niccolo and…Sasha… were still here.

"Let him help. I'm not going anywhere, not without you." She didn't want to go, wanted to argue, he could tell with the way her lips were pressed together, the way her fingers held his chin just a little bit tighter, but her hands fell from him, chair scraping on the wooden floor when she stood and followed Niccolo through a door off to the side. Eren exhaled, feeling the entire weight of his body sag in the chair.

"Are you okay?" Oh yeah, Sasha. Fuck, he was tired of being asked that, but he began trying to stuff it all back in his boxes before addressing her.

"Yeah, it happens sometimes."

"It didn't used to happen."

"Well it does now." His harsh tone shut her down and while he didn't want to talk about it, Eren didn't want to be mean either. "Sorry, I just…I'm gonna go after this. We're gonna go after this."

"What? Why? There's still cake."

"I don't think this date thing was a good idea…at least, not yet."

"Not yet?"

"I think Mikasa thinks I'm just here to make up for my absence today. I did tell her I'd come by first thing, after all."

"Okay…Why didn't you correct her? You guys were over there for a good minute before coming to the table."

"Because it doesn't really matter," he said kneeling to the floor to start cleaning up the mess.

"Help me, I'm lost."

"I decided it's not really important if this is a date or not. To be honest, I agreed to this, but the whole time I was kind of freaking out a bit, but then when she came in, I realized I was just happy to see her after not being able to all day…that we just wanted to see each other." He heard the sound of Sasha's chair being pushed back and saw her feet as she came to join him, dropping her napkins in the liquid. "And that's fine with me. The date stuff can wait til, later. Til she knows for sure that I'm here because I want to be, even if it wasn't my idea strictly speaking. We've gotta clear that up first."

When Sasha started laughing, it wasn't like she had earlier in the day, but smaller and more to herself. "You're definitely cooler than I thought, Eren."

"I still don't know what you mean by that, but thanks I guess." He grabbed Mikasa's share of napkins from the tabletop and put them with the rest, letting the remains of the red liquid soak into them.

"Eh, it's okay. You can take it as my apology." His gaze shifted to her, but she was still looking down, a wry smile on her face.

"You knew what you and Mikasa needed, and I shouldn't have got in the way of that. Or waited until after you did what you had to, at least."

"It's not a big deal. I wouldn't have agreed if I didn't think there was some worth in it."

"Still, I should have just let you do your thing no matter how dirty you were. Mika wouldn't have cared and she wouldn't think I set this up because of the bet, which I didn't for the record."

"What bet?" Sasha froze her mopping, face going red as she met his stare.

"Um, that's not important. It really isn't. Why don't you ask Armin about it. I assume he's the one who told Mikasa. We should have known that kid wouldn't be able to keep anything from the two of you. She popped up grabbing the dripping cloths a dumped them into a bucket next to the bar. "I'm just so happy you and Mikasa are finally getting it together because you've been a bit scary for a while –

"Scary?"

"And she worries you know. We all just want to see you two happy and you're happiest when you're together and just imagine how happy you'll be when you're together together, y'know?"

"Sasha."

"Because I was telling Connie that you two have been dancing around each other for way too long and it's just my opinion, but why wait or keep putting it off when none of us are guaranteed to see the next day, y'know."

"Sasha."

"And that's what I told Nikki to convince him to give us a chance. At least we can say we had this time together even if he goes back to Marley eventually or if a mission goes wrong. We had time together and got to be happy. It must be hard knowing about the…the titan curse thing, so of course I want that for you guys too."

"Sash…" There was a shine to her eyes as she fisted her damp hands in her brown skirt, a wobbly smile fixed in his direction.

"Geez, I can't believe I'm getting all worked up over this. How lame." She hid her face towards the window. "Sometimes, I just feel like life is so fleeting, like it could slip away at any moment, y'know."

Eren did know. He knew his life would be short. Hers would be even shorter and he wanted to get away before he caused it to end, before all of it. Could he go? Could they really run away from everything before it was too late? Before he killed all of these people, trampled on them, ended their lives like they were meaningless, like his and his own were worth more. Could they really run?

A giddiness made him bounce on the tips of his toes as Mikasa emerged from the back with Niccolo, the red on her skirt significantly less prominent.

"Everything good?" Sasha asked him, giving him a final quirk of the lips before turning towards them.

"Yeah. I did the best I could." And they chattered and the talk went on but he only had eyes and ears and attention for her. They had to go now or there wouldn't be another chance. It had to be now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Like he had many times before, Eren scooped up Mikasa's hand in his and pulled her behind him as they stumbled out of the restaurant, but he didn't stop there.

"Wait! Eren!" Picking up the pace he started to jog before breaking into a run, lights and people blurring past them. Joy filled his body, surging in his chest, bubbling up his throat, falling from his mouth as he threw his head back laughing. Free. They were finally free. All the weight that came with saving the world was finally falling from his shoulders and –

"Eren? Eren? Where are we going?" He looked back, feeling the smile widen on his lips, the short tips of Mikasa's hair flying gently around her face.

"Away. We're going away."

"Away where?" Where indeed. He stopped short and it was only her quick reflexes that headed off a collision between the two, but Eren wasn't concerned in the least when he turned to face her, was nearly on top of her. Adrenaline coursed through him, heart threatening to beat out of its confines, but this was important, this moment was so important.

"Would you go with me? Right now if I said let's runaway together, just you and me? Would you come with me?"

"Yes." Her answer was immediate and sent a thrill up his spine, making his face split in half with a grin like never before. They could go. They could escape this. They could –

"Eren?" He looked at her again. At her sharp gray eyes and hair pulled in into a little ponytail, apprehension fighting to stay off her features.

"What? What is it?" The smile he wore just seconds ago had all but dried up, the memory of where he was – when he was coming back. The feeling of self-betrayal overshadowed the lessening euphoria. Again, he'd let those lines blur. Again, he wasn't in control. Again, things had slipped from him so badly that he hadn't even been aware.

"Where do you want to go, Eren," she asked tugging on his hand in hers.

"Anywhere. Anywhere that isn't here. Away from all of this." He squeezed his eyes closed, trying to will the utter disappointment from his mind, the exhaustive disillusionment that threatened to overtake him at how unfair it all was. Why? Just why…

"Okay, let's go. We can go right now." But he didn't budge.

"No, it's too early."

"Too early? It's after nine. If you want to go somewhere, we should go now so we won't be too late coming back." That's right. It was too early for that. Now. He was now.

"When we go Mikasa, we're not stopping. We're not looking back."

"What are you talking about? You've been strange all night. I don't understand. What's going on with you?" This time he let her pull him to face each other and let her search him confusedly for some sort of clarity, but Eren could only smile bitterly.

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of that. Let's just head back to the base. We can talk on the way."

"No! No. You can tell me what's wrong, Eren. I – I can't promise I can fix it, but you can tell me. Don't…please don't shut yourself away anymore. Please." And he felt his insides twist, torn at trying to find some way to put to words his state of mind – of telling her some type of truth and the near desperate expression she wore, at the way her fingers gripped his hand, his arm so tightly.

"Hey, I'm not shutting myself anywhere. I said we were gonna talk on the way back to base."

"Yeah, but not about what you said just now, not about what happened at dinner. I don't want to just forget about it. I always just let things you say go, but I don't want to do that anymore. Maybe if I didn't you wouldn't –

"Then don't forget. Look…I don't want to kick up more dirt before we haven't even settled what we already have in the air. Especially when I'll be leaving in the morning." Excuses and distractions. That's what he had for her.

"Leaving?"

"Yeah. Levi told me today, because of some information Hange got from one of her contacts. We're going to Wall Sina, to Mitras."

"Just the two of you?"

"As far as I know."

"Why just you two? Why not all of us or – or –

"I don't know Mik. They didn't tell me, but I'll be gone at least a week, so…" Eren watched almost fondly as she struggled with a decision before sighing discontentedly.

"…Okay, but I'm not going to forget about this when you come back." She would, but that was okay. He was counting on it.

"Good. Now c'mon." He said tugging her hand, squeezing it tightly to stay his tremors. "I think we've both had more than enough time. Don't you think so too?"

"I had a reason," she said almost petulantly and Eren could almost imagine the rare pout Mikasa was probably sporting, but he didn't allow himself to look back.

"Tell me what it was then." She stepped up even with him, swinging their hands in between them. He loved that.

"So we could talk like this."

"What do you mean?" When she remained quiet, he glanced down at her, pulling her closer as they avoided a family walking the opposite direction. "Mik?" She refused to look at him, gaze remaining forward but after a few steps she spoke in that soft tone of hers that was just loud enough for him to hear, but just low enough to let him know this was something…difficult for her to say.

"We don't really…talk…anymore."

"We talk all the time."

"That's not what I mean." He knew it wasn't, yet the words still came from his mouth in some poor defense of his actions even though he knew they really couldn't be defended. Not in a way that made a difference at least.

"I know."

"Mm. Besides that…you're different." There it was again. Someone else saying he was different. Saying that he wasn't the same. Saying that he –

"Or at least I thought you were."

"Huh?"

"Two days ago, I thought you were so different. I used to always know what you were thinking, it wasn't hard to figure out. Your emotions were always on your sleeve. Even the things you didn't say I knew, but that was way before. And well, after, you were still you but it wasn't the same. You had less to say about things. It was hard watching your eyes change. I didn't know what to do about it…if I should do something about it.

"Because people grow and change. I understand that, but less to say about things became less to say to us, and I couldn't read you anymore and we weren't talking. In my head…you were changing and growing away from me. Feeling like I didn't know you anymore, feeling like you were really leaving me behind by your own choice. I – it didn't…" The grip on his hand is tight, but he fights the urge to wince, to shake her off as her feet keep moving them forward, eyes looking somewhat unfocused, trancelike.

"You don't have to say it, Mik." He offered her away out, partially not wanting to hear it because the direction she was going was obvious and he wasn't sure he could stomach it; partially to put her out of her misery so she wouldn't have to say it, but of course Mikasa wouldn't have it. Finally turning to look at him she shook her head gently.

"No, I do have to say it. Telling you what you need to hear has always been easy, but let's face it, we aren't that good at expressing how we feel to each other. Me being unwilling to say what I'm feeling to you, always holding back because I don't want to burden you, that's kind of how we got here in the first place and it's a problem that I don't want to continue. We have to move forward, so I do have to say it.

"Eren, I felt like there was this space between us growing larger and larger with no way to fix it. Before, I could always reach you, but you were so distant that it seemed impossible. Which, I guess, is what finally prompted me to ask you what I did…I was…desperate to have you back because you laughed with those girls, so you couldn't be completely gone, but when you said nothing…when you ignored me and ran away from me, I thought that was it." He could hear her voice cracking and his stomach twisted almost painfully.

"I thought that I had been selfish in expressing how I feel about you when it was obviously something that never interested you, less so then than it ever did before. I felt so foolish, like I had ruined everything, like I didn't matter, like we didn't matter…

He'd learned early on that Mikasa didn't talk much, that she would rarely say if something was bothering her. It had improved over the years, but he'd also learned to read her, to look for the small signs. So why had he missed all of this? How long had she felt this way and he just failed to notice?

He clasped her hand feeling the slight tremors, then grasped her forearm hearing light sniffles and pulled her in, heart sinking even more at the warm dampness growing on his shoulder. Eren wrapped both arms around Mikasa crushing her body to his.

"I'm sorry."

"Why did you do that, Eren? How could you do that?"

"I know, I'm sorry."

"But you don't know," she whispered hoarsely into his neck. "You acted like nothing happened, like I never said anything, like you hadn't spent days pushing me even further away than I already was, like everything was fine when it wasn't at all."

"That's not what I meant for it to come off as." It was weak and he wasn't trying to justify himself by any means, but it really wasn't how he meant it.

"Then how did you mean it, Eren?" She looked up, forcing him to look at her gray eyes up close, to see the depth of just how much he hurt her, how careless he had been with her feelings despite his long deliberation to make sure he didn't do exactly that. "I need to understand because I pleaded with myself that if I could just get you to talk to me, if I could convince you to just forget I said anything, convince you to pretend it never happened, then we could go back to being family, back to being together in whatever sense of the word you were willing to tolerate, that I wouldn't feel like everything we'd been through together meant nothing, that I hadn't lost my home.

"Next thing I know you're talking to me again buttoning my clothes and dumping my trays like its normal. What else could I think? And I wanted to be relieved and happy because I hadn't lost you, but instead I got angry. That day when I went on the supply run, I had every intention of coming back and giving you a piece of my mind. In town, I realized that even if it wasn't in the way I wanted, you were trying and that meant you couldn't be that different or actually hate me or something."

"Never. I could never hate you! Don't say that!"

"But those were the things I was thinking, trying to find some justification for how my feelings could be so bad that the results were – were what they were. My head just wasn't in a good place to talk that day. The fact that I so easily thought your complete one-eighty in behavior was the result of Jean and Armin's influence was proof enough of that. I needed the time to get my head on straight so I could express myself without getting overly emotional, so that I could understand you as clearly as possible, so that we could just be normal like we haven't been in a long time. I guess I kind of failed there." Detangling herself from him she turned and continued on their walk, a hand running over her face a few times. "Come on."

But Eren found he couldn't move. Knees feeling weak, they wanted to give out right there in the middle of the street. He wasn't sure how they didn't because he felt weak all over, sick to his stomach, the urge to cry so strong. He had hurt Mikasa, hurt her so badly. He knew he'd upset her, knew she was distressed.

He had reacted so poorly to her confession, but Eren never could have guessed, or assumed, or even thought that his avoidance would lead Mikasa in such a direction. There had never been a time when she'd been so blatantly candid about her view, but those things shouldn't have had to be said for him to realize things weren't right. He should know. He should have known.

But it was more than that. She had been suffering for a long time because of him and this was just the final straw that brought it all to its head. Of everyone, perhaps he'd neglected her the most and again, he hadn't even realized. Everyone kept mentioning how he was different, how he had changed, how they no longer recognized him, how he was scary, but he was the same useless failure he'd always been.

The same fuck up. The same guy who couldn't seem to accomplish his goals no matter how small. The same guy who always messed things up so royally in spite of what his intentions were. The same guy who always disappointed Mikasa in some way or another, who would always break her heart.

"Eren?" She tugged on his hand, but he just couldn't move.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mikasa. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean – I didn't want – I didn't know. I didn't know and I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Eren."

"It's not!"

"It is. It is." The water on her lashes made him feel otherwise. "I'm sorry. I didn't –

"Why are you apologizing? Don't apologize."

"I'll apologize if I want to and I do, so I'm sorry too. I didn't say all those things to make you feel guilty. We didn't just randomly end up here. It didn't happen over night and no one's really to blame. I know you have a heavy burden on your shoulders and you're trying to hold it all inside because you don't want us to feel that pain too. But we're here for you – I'm here for you. And I told you everything because I want to be more open with you. And I want you to do the same…It's how we got here isn't it? That's why I want you to talk to me, confide me – in someone! We can't keep running from this. Or we'll never be able to move forward. We both deserve at least that much, wouldn't you say? So please don't be upset with yourself."

Mikasa looked at him with the same care and concern she always did and it only made him feel so much worse. Not be upset with himself? That wasn't possible.

"Okay? Eren, okay?" Her hands tugged on his, eyes searching his intently.

"How could you just let it go so easily…if you were feeling so shitty because of me?"

"Do you want me to stay mad?"

"You have the right too. I'll bear it."

"Did you do it on purpose?"

"No! Of course not."

"Then how could I stay upset? I want to move forward and I can't do that if I try holding some useless grudge. Besides, I wouldn't be able to even if I tried, so why bother." He just didn't get it.

"I'll make it up to you. I promise." She frowned, not at all keen on the idea, probably understanding that he wouldn't easily, if at all, forgive himself for hurting her like this…he couldn't even imagine what it would be like on the opposite end, if he thought he finally fucked up badly enough to make Mikasa walk away.

"And if you make it up to me, we can get past this?"

"Maybe. That's the best I can do right now," he added at her look.

"Then how do you plan to make it up to me? Because I won't accept anything that's given out of guilt."

"It wouldn't be out of guilt. It would be because I wanted to do it."

"And you would want to do it because you feel guilty. Your motivation would be because you feel bad and I don't want that." He growled, irritation filtering through his self-loathing.

"How is this different from taking you on a date to make up for not being able to come see you earlier in the day? You didn't kick up nearly as much of a fuss then, at least, not about this."

"Because you weren't hurting," she snapped and when the words registered to him, his mouth immediately closed, ire fading. Mikasa continued when she saw that he was listening. "You felt bad, but you weren't doing it because you were hurting and you are now."

"I do feel guilty, Mik. I hurt you and when you're hurt I'm hurt. I can't help that. This is – I feel like this is my fault – it is – and that is not going to vanish over night or because you tell it to. That doesn't mean everything I do for you here on out will be fueled by that; and I will be doing a lot more stuff for you from now on because I care and I want you to know it. I don't want you to feel neglected by me. I never wanted that and I'll prove it one way or another because I want to. So you can accept it or suffer me being obnoxious and overbearing as I do even the smallest things for you." He stared down at her, daring her to challenge him on it.

"Like what?" Eren knows his 'not taking any shit' face falters, but Mikasa's looking at him all amused, and he's wondering what he did to get that face as a reaction.

"What?"

"The smallest things? What small things are you going to do for me that would be considered obnoxious?" He blinked.

"I don't know, but I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll come by every morning and lay your clothes out or follow you into the bathroom and brush your teeth for you."

"You aren't going to do that."

"Well, now you've said that. I have to." She wasn't impressed.

"Eren."

"Mikasa." He didn't care. She was often unimpressed with the things he did. If it meant they didn't fall into a situation like this again, he'd make sure it happened. She never asked for anything for herself, so he was going to give her everything he could while he could.

"One thing. There's one thing," she muttered hesitantly, losing their staring contest.

"Anything you want." He doesn't expect what she says next. Should he be getting used to that?

"I want to hear you say it. I want you to acknowledge my…confession and just say you don't return my feelings – that you don't think of me in that way. You don't have to say why or anything else, but I need to hear it. I need to hear you say it, please." Oh that. He still needed to deal with that.

"No."

"What?" Her other hand snaps up, grabbing his arm.

"I can't say that."

"Why not?" When she asks it, it comes out weird. Kind of warbled, somewhat incredulous, a little bit panicky, and with an urgency that concerned him slightly.

"Because that wouldn't be true."

"I…don't understand." Mikasa blinked repeatedly, brow creasing in confusion and honestly if he wasn't already feeling so shitty about the whole situation, he might've found it in him to laugh at her. But all he could do now was quirk a corner of his mouth.

"It's what I really wanted to talk about the other day, what I thought we'd be talking about today, but now…If I'm being honest, I don't think I have the emotional capacity anymore. I wasn't expecting this and well, I'm not sure I could say what I wanted to say now anyway. Sorry." It was true. He was tired and disappointed. "Just know that I am fully aware of what dates are and why people go on them."

"Oh…"

"So…it looks like I'll be making you wait on me. Again. I'm always making you do that, huh?" But she just shook her head, bangs swaying with the motion.

"No, I don't mind waiting when it's like this."

"If you think of something else you want though, just say the word. I owe you at least this one."

"There probably won't be anything else, at least no time soon. I think this," she gave is arm a pat, "is good."

"Still."

"Okay." The hint of a smile she had eased the tightness in his chest just a little bit and he was finally able to move, pulling her along again.

"Let's go."

"Mm."

The rest of the walk back was silent and Eren couldn't help but think it had been a long time since they were able to just be like this, a very long time. And he wanted to wrap his arm around Mikasa's shoulder, tucking her deep into his side because while he thought he was just content being next to her, he had completely taken her place beside him for granted. From where he stood, there were plenty of times where she could have had enough of him, given up on him, gotten tired of his attitude and all the things that came with it, but she didn't. He had given her plenty of motivation to wash her hands of him, but Mikasa had stayed on her own. Why had it taken him so long to recognize it?

Regardless, that was a mistake he would fix too. There was time to make this right and he would. For now though, until he could really lay everything out on the table, be as honest as he could, the distance between them would remain; however his hand would give hers a little squeeze and his pace would lessen to prolong this time together. Everything seemed to come down to time for Eren and it wasn't long before they made their way through the dimly lit base and up the stairs of the women's barracks. This would be it for tonight, it for a week at least. The way they both lingered was proof of that.

"I guess I'll see you. We're leaving at dawn."

"I'll get up to see you off."

"No, you need to sleep. You should get some rest." The arch of a single eyebrow told him that he would most likely be seeing her in the morning. He couldn't really say he minded but if it was all the same to her, "Please."

"I'll think about it." And that meant that she would most likely be seeing him in the morning, but he wouldn't be seeing her.

"I guess that's the best I'll get on that front."

"Looks like it, yes," she said loftily and he couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. Go inside."

"You have to let go of by hand first." Glancing down, his digits were still wrap securely around hers.

"That might help." Great, now his ears were heating up. Were they red? Could she see them through his hair?

"Oh wait, I have something for you."

"Something? For me?"

"Yeah, from the market. Stay here. I'll go get it."

It didn't take her long but he moved to the corner of the porch, where the light didn't quite reach as well and leaned against the creaking railing. She came back out with a package wrapped in brown paper and he eyed it curiously as she held it out to him.

"What's the occasion?" The twine was easy to undo, and Mikasa caught it before it floated to the ground. After he pulled the paper open, she took it too, crumbling and stuffing it in the pocket of her skirt.

"None. You just needed one and I saw this and thought it would be good for you." Running a hand over the smooth black material that had been revealed, Eren gripped the corners and held it up revealing long sleeves and a hood. A jacket.

"If you don't like it, I'm sure I can –

"No it's great. Thanks." He flashed her a quick grin, examining the garment, feeling the soft material under his fingertips. She had still been thinking of his needs, even after the way he'd treated her, even when she was angry enough to not want to speak to him. Lowering the jacket his gaze fell to her. Sometimes he just didn't understand Mikasa and how she could be so staunch in her regard of him, especially when he didn't deserve it.

"Eren, you don't have to take it." He shook himself.

"I told you I liked it." Moving quickly he put it on, twisting out the way when she tried to help. "It's a good fit too."

"Let me just look to make sure." He refrained from rolling his eyes again, fond exasperation at the meticulous part of her nature shining through but stepped forward anyway for her examination.

Eren stood perfectly still under Mikasa's critical gaze as she tugged at his shoulders and sleeves to make sure the jacket fit him to her satisfaction. The skin between her brows was creased in concentration, her nose wrinkling at something or another she saw, gray eyes focused completely on him. He hadn't meant to interrupt her quiet mumblings. He honestly hadn't planned to say it, had planned to wait until after he had time to fully process where they stood. But with her standing there, fluttering about him and the gift she got just for him, he just –

"I only have a few years left to live." Mikasa flinched, probably more shocked at his words than his voice suddenly breaking the silence of their little bubble.

"What," she asked, the corners of her lips downturned. Okay maybe that wasn't the best way to start, but the words were already between them.

"I'm going to die soon."

"Don't say that, Eren."

"But it's –

"Please…don't." His voice caught in his throat as her eyes began to shine with in the dim lighting, wetting her eyelashes for the second time that night. Hesitating for only a moment, Eren reached out, untangling MIkasa's fingers from where they had clutched at that worn, red scarf and let his own slot snuggly in their grooves.

"Just because I don't say it doesn't mean it won't happen, Miki."

"You also don't have to say it as if it's a fact, as if there's no chance of figuring out a solution, no chance of changing it. You're saying it like you've already given up, and that's not you." For a moment, he was stumped by her pleading expression. How did he tell her he did know for sure that there was no way of changing it, that he had seen it, seen a lot of things that he had no solutions on how to change. It would happen one way or another, but that wasn't his point in bringing it up.

"I'm not giving up. I'll keep searching until I can't –

"And I'll be there to help you. I won't give up either." Warmth rushed through him at her sincerity. There it was again – that belief, but not just in him. It was in them together – as a unit. If he didn't have the foresight of the Founding and Attack Titans, Eren would be assured and comforted simply by Mikasa's words, by just having her near but…

"Okay, so we won't give up until the very end, but you – we should be prepared for the eventuality that there isn't another answer. We have to accept that I won't – might not be here forever. You'll have to let me go eventually so you can keep living."

"Why are we talking about this all of sudden?" Fingers gripping tighter as she tried to pull away in her distress, he tugged Mikasa's shorter form even closer.

"Because as I much as I want to be completely selfish, I don't want you to be hurt when I – I want you to be happy at some point." She scoffed rather harshly.

"You don't want me to be hurt when you – Do you hear yourself? Isn't it selfish to try and make me accept this before I'm ready, before I have to, to ask me to let you go as if it's supposed to be easy? Next you'll tell me to completely forget about you too! Well, I won't. I refuse. I'll never forget about you as long as I live, even after I'm dead, so don't even bother saying it." The conviction in her voice, the stubborn set of her mouth, the steel in her gray eyes; it was all so Mikasa – one hundred percent her and all Eren could do was stare in wonder, her words settling into his heart.

For the nth time in his years with her, he wondered what he had done to deserve her, to deserve such devotion, to keep it even after all the attempts to push it away because of his own insecurities. Would she still feel this way if his hand was forced by a future that was seeming more and more inevitable by the day? Did she feel this way because he saved her that day? Was is because he was the only tangible reminder of when they'd had a stable, normal life? As he stared down at her ever familiar face, Eren realized he didn't really understand her feelings or rather her motivations as well as he'd thought.

When she'd said she wanted them to be happy together, that she wanted to stay with him, he'd only looked at it in terms of himself because she was just confirming everything he wanted with her. He literally could not imagine not having her with him and he knew why, but why did she ask what she did? Was it because they were just family and she wanted to keep her family as close as possible or…

"No," he said slowly looking over her head into the darkness lest he be overwhelmed. He really should wait. "Unfortunately, I'm too selfish to do that, although I guess it wouldn't matter if I did, since you're so against it. Can I ask you a question?"

"Yes." There was no lack of suspicion in her when he looked back down.

"All that stuff you said before…about being together…did you mean it?" She blinked owlishly, the pink dust on her cheeks making her that much prettier.

"O-oh…does it matter – I mean yes, I did. I meant every word, but you don't have to worry about it."

"I'm not worried, I just wanted to know…why?" Her brow furrowed.

"Why what?"

"Why you…you know."

"Oh."

"It's not because…it's not just because we're family, right? Because I know why I want to be with you and it's not…not just because we're family." Waiting for things was never one of his strong suits.

"You want to be with me?"

"Well, yeah." Wasn't it obvious?

"And not because we're family?" Eren's eyes drifted from hers down to the scarf he'd given her that day, the day they met, the day his and her life changed forever. Of course, it didn't feel as soft and fluffy in his fingers as it did originally, it wouldn't; but it was just as warm as it had been back then if not warmer now. It'd had plenty of years to be filled with – "Eren?" His attention snapped back to there and then, to his hands on that scarf, using it to tug her closer still.

"I said I'd wrap this around you again and again as many times as you wanted but I…I don't want to do that just to keep my promise to you. I want to wrap it around you as many times as I want to too. When we go to bed at night, I want to pull it off and fold it neatly on your nightstand. And when we get up in the morning, I want to put it right back where I took it from. I want to toss the ends behind your back when we're eating or cooking, so it doesn't get dirty.

"I want to tuck it into your shirt to protect it when you're working and training and out in the field. I want to pull it a bit tighter when it's colder outside," he said lowly, doing exactly what he'd just mentioned. "Everyday. I want to do that every single day as long as I can because I – because I – I…" The words weren't coming out. Why weren't the words coming out? Why couldn't he say it? He knew he should have waited and pulled himself together, but Mikasa just had to sway him with all those words. He couldn't help but take a page out of Sasha's book.

Eren wanted to laugh bitterly at himself. For all the understanding he'd gained about what he felt, his ability to articulate those feelings didn't seem to have improved much over the years. But he needed to say this. He had already started. He had to finish and looking in her bright gray eyes staring back patiently, but expectantly, Eren could see two futures laid out in front of him. The one he knew was useless to hope for where they could be together until they were old and wrinkly, passing peacefully from this world to the next like they did everything else: hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, side by side.

And then the other one. The course they were on now. The one he was trying so desperately to figure out, to change because by the end, they surely wouldn't end up together, probably separated long before his end came. Even if he did somehow manage to divert the seemingly inevitable, Eren would still be leaving Mikasa. And when that happened, he wanted to be sure that she knew, no matter what happened or how things played out that he –

"I never want you to doubt how I feel about you. I never want you to look back and have to ask yourself if all the things between you and me were real because it was and is and always will be even when I'm no longer here. Even if you move on once I'm gone, which I – I hope you will, but you'll never have to be uncertain of if you were my most important person because you are. Mikasa, to me…you are more precious than anyone, anything. And that has nothing to do with the fact that we are family, at least not the sense we usually think about it, so that's why I'm asking. I want to be clear I guess, to know exactly where I stand – where we stand with each other, to –

"Eren, stop. You've said enough." And she effectively put an end to his word vomit, but not his unease because what if – "Eren." A small, rough hands settled on one cheek and then the other, gently directing him back to her and that was when he saw her smile blossom in full. It was a smile that was so rare and beautiful and something he wished she had a reason to do more often. It was something he wanted to – needed to protect when she did. Mikasa's brilliant smile had his full attention as her soft voice said words that would send his head right back into nebulous space.

"You're dearest to my heart."

He blinked, leaning close as if he hadn't heard her clearly to which she laughed and pulled his head down to rest against hers. "Eren, you're my dearest…my most beloved." For the first time in years, his mind went quiet. Completely quiet. There were no errant thoughts floating about in the back of his head, nor any trying to compete with his own that had seemingly disappeared as well. My dearest…my most beloved. It echoed around the dark and murky space with startling clarity as Mikasa's features began to distort. "Why are you crying?"

Oh. He was. Droplets left his eyes and slid down her rosy cheeks. Why was he crying? Inhaling shakily, he let his forehead leave hers and buried it in the crook of her neck, arms wrapping around her smaller figure and pulling it into his own. Almost immediately, Mikasa's hands settled at his neck and back, rubbing circles to soothe his quaking shoulders. Why was he crying?

My dearest. My most beloved.

Pulling back abruptly to search her face he asked, "You mean it? You really mean it?"

"Of course. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it." She wouldn't. Eren knew she wouldn't but that feeling, the one he only associated with her was threatening to swallow him whole and he would gladly let it, because he was so damn happy. He was crying because he was happy. What a foreign feeling only made familiar by her presence.

"Say it again," was his eager response and she smiled again. He'd made her smile again.

"Eren, you're my dearest and most beloved."

"One more time. Just one more time, please." She leaned into him, chin resting on his chest, watching him watch her. "I'll say it as many times as you want until you believe me."

"I do believe you."

"I'm not so sure, but that's okay. I'll make sure you do." Of course, he believed her. Of course he did. Why wouldn't he believe her? She wouldn't lie about something like this. He just…oh, that's why he was having some trouble. They were back. The whispers, the voices, the thoughts. "Eren," Mikasa whispered so sweetly, softly cradling his face again, thumb wiping away new tears. He could feel her breath washing over him as her face came closer, taking up his entire view. "You're my dearest, beloved above anyone and everyone else. No one will ever come close to taking your place in my heart."

His eyes fluttered closed as her soft, warm lips pressed tentatively to his, tears falling down to mingle where they connected. Sad. As his mouth moved slowly, experimentally against hers, Eren realized he was crying because he was sad. Now that he knew he actually had it, Eren never fully understood just how fiercely he wanted, yearned for Mikasa's affection, for her love…how he would never be worthy of it because of the things he had done, would do, was currently doing.

How selfish he was to hug her body so tightly to him, kissing her harder in his need to savor this feeling like it would be the last time even though it was the first. How guilty he felt for living in this moment while so many suffered at his hands, his actions. But he wanted this. Just this. If he never got anything else in his life, Mikasa here and now and forever was what Eren wanted.

She sighed into him as he laid a hand on the small of her back where it curved to accommodate his taller form bending over hers. What a hypocrite he was for asking her to accept that this would one day end long before either of the were ready when it seemed that he hadn't fully accepted it himself.

The tip of his nose brushed the apple of her cheek as he tilted in more, her lovely, familiar scent filling his nostrils. How could he possibly let this go now that he knew, now that he was having a literal taste of what he was depriving every victim of his brutal rampage. He didn't have a choice. There wasn't one because the future had already been decided long before he got there, long after. He couldn't figure out a way to change it for the life of him.

Finally his grip on her slackened, lips slowly easing their pressure until they were no longer locked together. Was she crying too? No, but she was, would be. They were a tragedy waiting to happen no matter which way the chips fell. He couldn't spare her the pain, could he? Was this really the right choice? Had he weighed it enough or been so caught up in all the new possibilities that he'd jumped in much too freely?

Their slightly labored breaths mingled in the cool night air, leaving one and entering the other as her fingers caressed his face, threaded in his hair. And she had smiled so glowingly at him, who no longer – rarely – gave her a reason to do so. She'd smiled at him who only – often – caused the opposite.

He felt her lifting up on her toes to push her face against his again, this time more sure in her tender touches. It wasn't as long as the first, so when she pulled back, Eren followed, kissing her more, being closer to her, feeling her next to him, trying to anchor himself in her, to push it away and just focus on right now. Right here and now. He needed to be here with Mikasa. He leaned away, this time panting heavily, so he could look at her equally flushed face, and it was okay to think about how pretty she really and truly was. Maybe one day, he could tell her. It was okay to feel his heart pounding in his chest as his stomach did all kinds of flips because this is the girl he –

"I'll do that as much as you want too."

"Eren!" She dropped her ever reddening face into her hands. Honestly, the words slipped out without him even thinking about it, but that didn't make them any less true.

"Why are you being shy all of a sudden?" He couldn't help but tease her. "You did kiss me first, after all." She gazed away stubbornly, and it made his lips stretch upward. Swooping down the little space in between them to peck her cheek came to him easier than expected, as if he'd done it many times before. "That's okay. I can wait until you're comfortable."

"No, it's not that, it's just…this feels like a dream…I've had before a long time ago." He nodded in understanding. A dream indeed. "Besides," she murmured finally facing him again, "You have to leave first thing tomorrow. And then you'll be gone."

"Oh, yeah…"

"You can start when you come back. Don't worry." Eren felt his own face flame up, heat spreading through him at her invitation. The words really had just come out unbidden and now he was the one feeling embarrassed about the offer and maybe she knew that by the slight quirk of her lips, but that was even more of a reason to not back down.

"Then that's exactly what I'll do."

"Then I'll believe you and wait patiently," she said softly, wrapping her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. Eren liked this. He liked that she wanted to be close to him too, that she didn't let her reserved nature keep her from acting on it. Now he'd probably be stuck thinking about how much he missed her or something and piss off the Captain by how distracted he was.

"I don't want to go," he blurted, mouth once again saying words his brain hadn't given it permission to. At least this time he felt like it was there though, and could hold back the 'I'm going to miss you,' the 'I'm sorry,' the 'You're still so pretty,' and the 'I would have given up the whole world for you if I could' before they managed to follow.

"Why not," curiosity morphing her expression. "You'll get to see Historia and maybe some of the children. I know she's probably been lonely without us coming back for a while." Why didn't he want to go?

"You're right. I don't know what made me say that." A…bad feeling. He had a bad feeling for some reason.

"I don't want you to go either." Her words once again brought his wandering attention back, probably the stupidest smile working its way onto his features. Her stare found something very interesting about his neck as she waited on how he would respond.

"Why not?"

"Because…you're my dearest." Yep, the smile was definitely a stupid one.

"Just your dearest?" Was he really?

"And my most beloved."

"I guessed I'd better try and get back as quickly as possible in that case." Because Mikasa would be waiting for him, his favorite person…his precious girl. He would happily accept that they looked stupid together, sporting their matching grins.

"I wholeheartedly agree."

"I'll bet." Eren made no attempt to leave though, just basking in the comfortable silence between them.

"You really should go and rest so you won't be tired in the morning."

"I should." Still he did not move, but neither did she.

"Eren."

"Mikasa." Another smile, this one amused as she slowly stepped from his grasp. Reluctantly, he let her slip away.

"Go, Eren," she said softly. "I'll still be here when you get back." He knew it was true but that feeling of foreboding flared up again as she moved even further from him. Eren acknowledged that he didn't want to let her go, that he wanted to stay in that moment for as long as he could. If he left now that this might be it. There won't be another opportunity to – he pushed the irrational thoughts away in favor of pressing a firm, lingering kiss to her forehead.

"Go on inside. It's the only way you'll get me to leave." Mikasa made sure he saw her rolling her eyes before doing as he asked, hanging back in the doorway, allowing him to take her in one more time.

"See you when you get back, Eren." He nodded and the door closed quietly behind her. He was coming back. This would just be a short trip and he would see Mikasa again. There was still time to maybe figure things out, to be with her and the rest of their friends. That's what Eren told himself with each stride away from the women's barracks, but it still didn't ease his growing sense of dread.

He tried to quell it, though, with Mikasa's words, the sound of her voice as she said them, her hands cradling his face, soft lips pressed against his, her so-good scent washing over him. He dreamt of her that night, or both of them secluded away in a forest of tall pointed trees. Behind the forest were mountains like he'd never seen before, completely different from those he'd been to. Freshly folded laundry was to the left of them as they sat together and watching the rain fall.

She was tucked neatly in his lap, only his shirt to preserve her modesty, not that it mattered with the way his hand slid up a smooth expanse of muscular thigh underneath their blanket. The flush wouldn't leave his face for nothing in the world and neither would the thought of where his hands went in that dream or the person on whom they traveled.

"What's wrong with you, Yeager?" Eren started, head whipping over to Levi who rode beside him.

"Nothing's wrong, Captain." He cringed inwardly at the almost glare he was being given.

"Since we've left, I've had to put up with your useless sighing, looks filled with what I can only describe as some kind of disgusting yearning, and every time I say something to you I have to repeat myself because you've got your head in your ass looking for a shit to take. Let the fact that I've held off from saying something be a testament to my patience. We're almost to Mitras and I need you sharp, so either tell me what the fuck's wrong or get your shit together brat but don't lie. It certainly ain't nothing."

Eren could only stare at his captain's squinting glower. Considering how much joy this man got out of beating him to a pulp at times, he sometimes forgot he cared even if he could only express it through gruff words; but who was he to talk when that was still better than anything he could do on most days.

"I mean it. Everything is…good for now. I'll try to get my head on straight."

"Don't try, Yeager. Do it."

"Yes sir…so why are we going to Mitras and why just the two of us?"

"Now he asks," Levi muttered making him flush even deeper.

"Well I figured you would just let me know what I needed to know when I needed to know it." The captain just sighed, looking at the sky as if a lightning bolt would strike him down and save him from having to be there.

"Look, Eren. Things aren't looking good for Historia's predicament." And suddenly he was on high alert, back ramrod straight, eyes focused on his superior.

"Not looking good how? We still have time to come up with another answer. Zeke won't be on the island for months."

"Correct, but someone or rather someones in the military police have been running their mouths, letting confident information slip into the public. There's unrest in what it could mean for the people of Paradis if the queen doesn't eat Zeke Yeager and inherit all the powers that come with that. They're doubting their monarch is willing to protect them." The rage came to him a lot easier than it had in a long time, familiar and burning hot. As his jaw clenched, teeth grinding together, Eren vaguely registered that the numbness he'd gotten so accustomed to feeling was not nearly as prominent.

"And why me? What's the point of me being here? Why not Hange or whoever that has the authority to do something about it?"

"You can't always stop gossiping and whispers with authority, Yeager. If that were the case, this wouldn't even be an issue. If we came in riding with the cavalry, it would be very obvious to whoever the culprits are that were onto them and make the situation worse. Use your head, this shouldn't be new to you. What we're going to do is lie."

"Lie?"

"You're the only one who sees those visions of yours and Historia is the only one who triggers them. We're going to fake one of them. Any nervous MPs will be placated for now and we can have our own contacts spread the new information to control what's already out there and keep down any opposition to a manageable degree. It'll buy ourselves some more time." It made sense. It wasn't a bad plan, but Eren doubted it would give them much. How long had it been and they were still no steps closer. There were outside factors to consider, outside the island that was.

They still had so much to do, so much to consider and plan for. How had they not gotten more done? It was strange the way it just creeped into his mind, all vague and floating and not even really coherent until it suddenly solidified. He hadn't been thinking about it every second of every day lately. He had been distracted.

No.

Distracted by Mikasa.

No.

Distracted by things he wasn't meant to have.

Please no.

"Listen up…" He had a mission he to complete, was working to complete, was so close to finishing, had finally concluded. And the scenery…the scenery. He needed to see it. He needed to make it happen.

Eren slipped away completely unbidden. He was there, but he wasn't. He was hearing everything the captain was saying, yet the man was muffled, muted under all the screams. He wanted to scream, felt the urge to hyperventilate, to vomit. This was different from the other times where he'd slipped away from himself. He never realized until after it happened or already started. The timespan would be unclear. The things that happened would be equally as ambiguous. He was at a loss for what to do, what he could do – there was nothing he could do. He was in control, moving his own body and lips, but he wasn't.

He almost wished for the times he completely blacked out. This was a different kind of torture.

When they finally arrived, Eren greeted Historia with a bow – he wasn't supposed to touch her yet. He smirked through Levi's jabs at the queen coming to greet two soldiers personally and her reply that she personally came to greet two of her trusted comrades. The captain made sure to scold her for the wording later when they explained the plan in hushed murmurs around tea. He chuckled when she playfully argued that a lowly soldier shouldn't be questioning where she spent her time, especially in front of his subordinates.

He played his part just as he was told to, whispered to Historia afterwards that he wanted to just talk as friends and he did and he didn't. On that rolling green landscape of her family's farm, Eren would listen to her chatter about the children and how they were improving so much. He would fill her in on the rest of their friends' wellbeing, enduring her personal inquiries and subsequent teasing, then he would watch the joy slip from her tired face as he said,

"The MPs are planning to feed Zeke to you as soon as possible when he arrives here on the island…" But he still wanted to save her, he still wanted to save his friend. "…You can either run as far as you can or you can oppose them…"

An intense, blazing light shined in front of him, illuminating the dark plane for miles and miles and miles in all directions. Tears slipped down his face as he stared right into it desiring to be blinded.

Would all paths really lead him here?

---

A/N: Hello again friends! I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I'm always a little less confident after revision, but I will very casually say I loved this chapter. It's not perfect by any means, but I enjoyed writing it and feel I covered everything I wanted. Although, I will give a special screw you to page seven.

I wanted to split into two ***so badly*** because it was long enough (a concern of mine from last chapter if you remember), but I decided to just end the suffering and just let you guys have it all.

Because of that, just one chapter left now which will serve as an epilogue of sorts. Originally, the mutual confession was supposed to serve as the end but l've essentially thrown my outline out the window and well this isn't ending how I thought to say the least. Finishing this, I don't think you'll have an idea either. Rest assured, I'm pretty sure I've figured out. No worries there.

Anyway, one chapter left, so what should I do next? I've got a modern au smut piece coming up next. It's 3-4 chapters and mostly written. I also have a minimal outline for a Warrior!Eren/Hizuru!Mikasa AU, but I not sure if I want to embark on that journey since I plan to start studying for my licensing exams soon, lol. I've definitely learned from this experience and will try to prewrite in the future (me and those deadlines, I swear).

I want to write different things too and it looks like I've just got all the same ideas with different clothes on, so I may even open up my request box on tumblr and twitter, but we'll see on that front. Follow me on those btw. I reblog EM fanart and scream into the void on Twitter. On Tumblr I've got a bit of extra content and it's an easy way to talk to me.👀

Anyway, See you next time for the final chapter of this one!