Squirrelpaw tried not to look at her surroundings as she followed her father.
It was strange. She could remember the first time she had attended a gathering. The freedom of leaving Thunderclan for the first time, following her clan beyond their borders, it gave her such a sense of pride.
She remembered seeing flowers and trees she couldn't identify, the mist of new scents hitting her like a colourful zephyr. It was like Silverpelt itself had been struck by a unique current that would change her life forever. The forest had expanded beyond her own understanding, pulsing her with the exhilaration and excitement of growing up.
Now. The change of the forest was not so freeing. Looking at it now felt more like drowning.
Without the shelter of the trees, exposing them to the bite of the moonhigh night, everything felt so cold. Nowhere looked safe to the molly. This wasn't travelling to fourtrees, this wasn't clan life. This wasn't normal. The bitter air clogged in her throat, and without looking down she could feel the deadness of the earth below. Life had been sucked out of the forest as if it was prey losing blood. With it, everything Squirrelpaw recognised in her heart had been extinguished. Nothing looked like home.
The trees, the ground, the cold, it was all so suffocating. Frightening.
This wasn't the forest she'd grown up in. Not anymore.
That would become even more clear once she saw fourtrees, she had no doubt. At least… what remained of fourtrees.
Webfoot had said the clans had watched as monsters ripped them from their roots. Generations of history stripped away just like that. It was inconceivable to the young cat. But it had happened. She had heard it from her friends too.
"It was horrible." Whitepaw had said. "None of us could believe it. The monsters tore them apart." The horror on her face told Squirrelpaw how grotesque the images were.
Beside them, Shrewpaw had nodded. "It didn't make any sense." The softness the usually snappy tom conveyed made another chill strike through the medicine den. "They didn't even react to them. They just… ripped through them like they were nothing. By the time we looked back, they'd all fallen." He'd stifled an angry grunt, "Then by the next day, they'd carried away the trunks. How strong are those things?"
Strong enough to tear apart the forest, Squirrelpaw knew.
"Are you sure you want to go back there?" Whitepaw mewed worriedly, "What if they come back?" Her whiskers trembled with fear.
"Don't worry." Squirrelpaw strutted forward to press her muzzle against her friend's cheek. "I'll be fine. Firestar and Brambleclaw will be there with me, as well as the other Clan leaders. Besides, I don't think they'll go back now."
"How do you know that?"
Truthfully, Squirrelpaw didn't, but the cats were going to meet there regardless. She couldn't worry about that now.
Luckily, Shrewpaw came to her aid. "Don't be a worry worm, Whitepaw." The tom jabbed her with a forepaw. "If they were that close again, we would have heard them. Besides, remember what Greystripe said, they seem to be more focused on Windclan's territory right now."
Whitepaw seemed to relax a little, albeit begrudgingly, at that information.
Squirrelpaw only felt her stomach twist with panic.
She felt her sister's tail on her pelt, Leafpaw could always tell when something was off. A different panic convulsed along Squirrelpaw's tail. "Don't worry, Squirrelpaw. From what I've heard, Windclan have been able to find new territory. There's no cats where the monsters are now."
"Yeah!" Shrewpaw agreed readily, perhaps sensing his words weren't as comforting as he'd hoped. "Windclan cats are quick right, they'll have gotten away fine." Whitepaw rolled her eyes at his weak conclusion, but she didn't say anything.
It was a small comfort, but Squirrelpaw couldn't afford to choose. She flattened the fur on her tail, licking her chest to quell the nervous shakes that still rattled in her stomach. She let a forced smile come to her lips. "Yeah, I guess."
Leafpaw purred beside her, "You'll see. Once you're at fourtrees tonight, you'll be able to hear how the other clans are. Firestar will convince them that we have to leave, you'll see." As soothing as her sister's voice usually was, Squirrelpaw wasn't so assured this time. She'd seen how hostile the Windclan cats had been when they'd all returned, even to their own clanmate. Even in the middle of all this, clan divisions still ran rife. Would they really listen to a prophecy fortold by a few Warriors and a badger?
Could a truce really be found? It wasn't even going to be a full moon tonight.
Squirrelpaw let her tail lay flat. She had to believe her friends could convince their leaders. Her and Brambleclaw had been able to convince Firestar after all.
She had to have hope.
"Exactly!" Shrewpaw mewed with a grin, he seemed to brighten as every pair of eyes fell on him. His tail wiggled behind him with a confident movement that seemed warm in the cold den. "If anyone can lead the clans out of this mess, it's Firestar! Mark my words, by the next moon we'll all be nice and snug at our new home!"
His voice was high and kittish, but by the stars was his optimism missed. Thinking back, Squirrelpaw remembered how even behind their slitted eyes, both Leafpaw and Whitepaw were smiling. Even if Shrewpaw was a mouse-brain most of the time, it was undeniable that what he believed was what they all wanted. If he saw a future brighter than the one they all expected, it was only natural they'd follow him there.
Even if he sounded naïve, he had a faith that Squirrelpaw knew the cats would need.
That's what she tried to tell herself again and again, with every step through this destroyed terrain. That was why she kept her eyes away from it all. Looking at it just made Shewpaw's voice grow fainter and fainter as if it was disappearing into a dark cave.
And it wasn't just her. Just ahead, Brambleclaw padded behind her father and Cinderpelt. The tom occasionally looked back to check on her, and Squirrelpaw could see how meaningless his smile was. She knew how Brambleclaw really showed himself. The sag in his whiskers, the alarmed prickles over his back, the roll of his jaw, back and forth without control.
He kept a brave face, but he was frightened.
They were all frightened.
She realised, when she noticed his face shift as he looked ahead, that he was only smiling at her in order to comfort her worries.
A nice thought, but pointless all the same.
All she could do was give him the same worthless smile.
She was home, back with her clanmates and father, and yet she felt so… alone. She could still picture the harsh glares sent her way. As if she was a traitor for trying to help her clan. But maybe it wasn't so surprising. The thought of her mentor, the cat she thought of as the strongest in all Thunderclan, broken and shrivelled by the loss of his kit. Everyone was suffering. That was why this had to go well. Starclan had to give them a chance, a glimpse of hope after all of this.
It had to come.
It had to.
A gasp of horror broke her from her misery. "Oh Starclan, no!" Brambleclaw choked.
Squirrelpaw looked up and regretted it immediately.
Fourtrees, the heart of the forest itself, was gone. The ancient columns of wood that once stood tall and triumphant, as if breaking through the clouds, were now nothing more but hollow circles of wood, barely reaching a leader's height. The places where cats would gather, pacified by the truce, were scorched and blackened by the trail of the twolegs destruction. The ground was now a sickening black, littered by sharp stones and torn shreds of wood. Even the brilliant glow of the moon paled away behind a murk of ashy clouds holding its light from the cats below.
Squirrelpaw stared ahead, her jaw slack in horror. It hit her just then why the clans had been so hostile to their return. If they had seen this so long ago… It was as if a piece of the clans itself had been killed.
But what was even worse was the sight of the Great rock.
If it could even be called that anymore.
Instead of the stone that had seen proud leaders pass moon by moon, all Squirrelpaw saw was a scatter of cats sunken in a thick ooze of mud that shrouded the base of the Great rock. It had been clawed out of its place; Squirrelpaw could still see the deep rivets the monsters had marked the stone with at its base. Now, the noble stone lay on its side, discarded like the forgotten bones of a mouse. The seasons it had stood withered in the past, and its future now lurked inside an empty, lost void.
A harsh growl Squirrelpaw recognised as belonging to Blackstar confirmed sullenly what every cat realised. There would be no more gatherings. That part of their lives had been taken from them all.
Squirrelpaw wondered if that meant the truce was over as well.
She was given a slight hope when she saw Brambleclaw rush forward with an overjoyed cry. "Tawnypelt!"
Squirrelpaw couldn't help but smile, properly this time, when she saw the siblings collide, both purring in relief. Anything that could remind her of the journey was a welcome sight. She bounded over as well, and saw Stormfur beside the Shadowclan molly. Squirrelpaw was about to burst with his name until she saw the wounded look in his eyes.
And then she remembered Feathertail, and her smile faded away.
She padded, a little more slowly, towards her friends. There was a low growl in the air and Squirrelpaw was shocked when she saw who it came from. Firestar was watching Brambleclaw, still buried in his sisters' neck, with narrowed eyes. Eyes that were judging his loyalty.
Squirrelpaw watched her father until he swiped his head away, grunting. Squirrelpaw glared at him as he stormed away. Was he still angry at Brambleclaw because he had let her come? Or was this something else? The molly shook her head. How could any cat judge their loyalty after all they had been through? Tawnypelt was Brambleclaw's sister for crying out loud, did their clans really have to mean that changed so much?
She wandered through the heavy silence, following the cats until she was at Stormfur's side. "Hey." She said softly, pressing her nose against his shoulder.
The grey cat turned to her gently, his eyes were glazed and distant. "Hey." He paused. The silence was terrifying. They had spoken so easily before. He breathed haggardly. "How are things in Thunderclan?"
"Not great." Squirrelpaw admitted. Even that was an understatement. She tried not to sound downhearted. "We need to leave soon. What about Riverclan?"
"It looks like the Twolegs haven't reached our territory yet."
Squirrelpaw's eyes lit up. "That's…" She was about to say 'great' until she saw the weariness in her friends' eyes.
Stormfur sighed, he looked small. "It's coming, I know it. But because Riverclan hasn't suffered yet, I can't convince Leopardstar of anything."
Squirrelpaw's mouth opened as she realised the gravity of that knowledge. She knew about Leopardstar. Truthfully, the young molly had never had a pleasant thought when it came to the leader. She knew the stories that surrounded her, the whispers of what had once occurred during the time of Tigerstar. The story of Bone Hill was a well-known horror story among the apprentices.
Only this story was more than just fantasy.
Squirrelpaw had never understood it. How any leader could betray their clan to another and just live on without any consequences? She remembered asking her father about it when she was a kit. What justifiable reason could any leader have for doing something like that?
"It's a complicated story, Squirrelkit." He had said. "Sometimes leader's think they're doing the right thing for their clan when in fact they're doing the wrong thing. But that doesn't mean that they are bad cats at heart. A leader will do anything to make sure their clan survives. The important thing is to move on from those mistakes and learn to forgive."
That might have meant something, if Squirrelpaw hadn't remembered the story of how Leopardstar had just sat and watched while, the then, Blackfoot had killed her deputy. How exactly was that protecting your clan?
Squirrelpaw remembered then how it had been Feathertail and Stormfur that Stonefur had been protecting.
She wondered how they did it. How they could trust a leader that had agreed to their deaths?
And now, after all of that trust, Feathertail was dead and Stormfur was telling her that Leopardstar wouldn't lead her clan to safety?!
Her heart swelled with horror. "Is there no cat who you could convince? What about Mistyfoot?"
"Mistyfoot's gone." Stormfur said simply.
"Gone?" Squirrelpaw had to fight to keep her voice low. Terror widened in her eyes, "You don't mean-"
"We don't know" Stormfur clarified, but his mew was rough with fear.
A thought came to Squirrelpaw. "What if she was captured by Twolegs?"
Stormfur turned to her blinking. "What? What do you mean?"
"I heard that some cats had been taken by them!"
"What for?"
Squirrelpaw could only give him a frightened silence. Stormfur turned back, his face creased by the moonhigh shadows. His head dipped with a pained whine. "Starclan help us."
"But… But Riverclan wouldn't leave without their deputy, right?" Every leader needed their deputy. Surely Leopardstar realised that! She wouldn't just abandon one of her most trusted Warriors.
Now, a glistening anger came into Stormfur's face. "We have a new deputy." He hissed, as if he couldn't believe what he was saying.
Squirrelpaw paused, her jaw was stiff. Leopardstar really would do that. "W-Who?"
The grey tom jutted his head forward, reluctant hate in his eyes. "Hawkfrost."
Squirrelpaw didn't recognise the name until she was looking ahead. She could just about remember the bulky rogue that had been accepted by Riverclan. He strode ahead, far away from them, beside Leopardstar and another huge creamy molly that she remembered as being his sister. Mothwing? That was the name that Leafpaw had told her at least. From what she had heard, her sister only had good things to say about the molly. She hadn't mentioned her brother that much. But he was a deputy now? Squirrelpaw tried to understand how that could have happened.
"Leopardstar made him deputy? Why?"
Stormfur opened his mouth, but he soon shut it as they made their way to the other side of the stone.
Squirrelpaw's paws prickled in frustration. "Stormfur, I-"
She fell silent as she saw the cats waiting by the low dip of the uprooted stone.
It was Tallstar… wasn't it? Squirrelpaw tried to think of the leader of Windclan, the one who had seen leaders come and go all through his reign, the one who had already led Windclan for moons while her father was still an apprentice. Even in the last time she'd seen him, despite Windclan's dismal water situation, he had looked strong and noble as he stood high on the Great rock. Squirrelpaw respected him immensely. There had always been something about Tallstar, about how naturally and respectfully stood among the other leaders, how he put his clan before his pride. That much had been clear when he'd begged Riverclan to share their water supply without hesitation.
He was prideful without being arrogant, respectful without being weak, and strong without being cruel.
But what Squirrelpaw saw now. This was not the Tallstar she remembered.
She didn't think she'd ever seen a cat look so skinny, so hungry! His eyes sank into the hollow shape of his head, blinking listlessly in the cold darkness. He looked to be missing several small patches of his short fur along his belly, the fur that remained was dirty and uncared for. Squirrelpaw could picture when she had gone through the two-leg place on the journey, she had seen a dead mouse resting on the stone outside a two-leg den. It had clearly been killed a while ago. It looked like a shrivelled root, its precious moisture and juices squeezed out by the hot sun above them. She'd asked why the cat that had killed it hadn't eaten it. What was the point of killing it if it wasn't going to be used?
"Some kittypet's just like the sport of it." Tawnypelt muttered in disgust. "They don't need it for food with all the feed they get from the two-legs. Hunting's just a game for them."
That had made Squirrelpaw angry. Not only because it showed just how dishonourable and easy a kittypet's life was, but because of how little they regarded their prey. Prey meant survival in the forest, cats died because of hunger, and these two-leg playthings just killed because it was nothing but fun, exercise, for their sluggish lives.
They had killed a creature, and had left it to rot and decay like it was nothing.
Tallstar reminded Squirrelpaw of that mouse. Of something unwanted and forgotten, left to waste away in its own time. He looked as if his own guts were shrinking, leaving him to become nothing but a thin slather of skin and fur on a wasted pile of bones.
He could barely even stand. He tried to look strong in the face of the other leaders, but it was clear the only reason he was standing up was because he was balanced by the small tom beside him.
Even in the darkness, Squirrelpaw recognised the tom. It might have been the way he stubbornly kept his small frame tall, as if nothing in the forest could touch him. It might have been the glow of his eyes.
Squirrelpaw took a deep breath. The last time she'd seen those eyes, they had kept hollow as he gently pushed her away, like nothing had ever happened. She tried to not remember how much it made her heart break. Instead she tried to take comfort in how despite everything he looked healthy. Maybe even dignified as he held his leader close beside him, never shivering away. She watched as he turned, watching the other clans approach them.
Even from this far back, she offered him a loving smile.
Whether he noticed her or not, his eyes narrowed and he stiffened up, his tail prickling, as if warning them. Then after a mutter from Tallstar, he slackened and turned his head away.
A real sense of fear began to rumble in Squirrelpaw's chest. It thundered beside the pain.
Crowpaw only kept his eyes on his leader until the rest of the clans had made it to where they stood. Squirrelpaw saw Stormfur's coat shiver when he passed by the Windclan tom. Crowpaw had a similar reaction, but his face was contorted in a scowl. Stormfur cleared his throat, as if ridding himself of a sickness, and said nothing as he sat beside Tawnypelt, a tail-length away from the dark apprentice.
Squirrelpaw held back a horrified breath. She understood how Feathertail still loomed over their thoughts. She would never forget her as long as she lived. But when she thought about how it had hardly been a moon since she had seen Crowpaw and Stormfur side by side, talking with a growing friendliness, the sight of such stiffness now was confusing to the molly.
Come to think of it, as the leaders pulled themselves up onto the shifted slab that had been the great rock, her heart aching with pity as she saw how Tallstar needed her father's help to struggle onto the platform, she began to feel something tight in her chest at how her friends shifted uncomfortably as they sat together.
Like they had never even met.
She gulped and shook her head. It didn't have to be like this. She still had that power surely. She eased herself to the side of Crowpaw, whispering to him as the leaders began to talk. "Hey." She mewed. She was smiling. It still felt right next to him.
He gave her a sideways glance. It was barren. Squirrelpaw pushed away the memory of their last meeting. She had to move forward.
"Hello." He said, then he looked back to the leaders.
Squirrelpaw hoped the disappointment didn't show on her face. But her heart began to pound with a creeping panic. She took a quick breath and followed his stare. "How are things in Windclan?" She asked, trying not to cringe as she saw Tallstar shake off the worried mews of her father.
To her surprise, she found the other chosen cats had heard her, and they all turned to Crowpaw hopefully.
Crowpaw didn't meet any cats' eyes. His tail swung hotly as if he was trying to thaw a coat of ice. "Awful. Windclan can't stay there anymore." He said with dreadful assurance. It made Squirrelpaw scared. He looked so defeated.
"What about your clanmates?" Brambleclaw asked hazily.
"You can't call it Windclan anymore." Crowpaw said icily, ignoring Brambleclaw. "There's nothing left of our territory."
There were no implications. His voice was slow and stony with the plain truth.
"But that means that Tallstar wants to leave, right?" Brambleclaw spoke up again.
"Yes." Crowpaw said. "He knows there's nothing left for us here."
Squirrelpaw felt her whiskers curl with a bizarre relief. If Tallstar would allow Windclan to go, that made things so much easier for this meeting! Now it wouldn't just be her father arguing for them all! "That's great news! Firestar's just waiting for the other clans to decide before he says anything."
Crowpaw scoffed bitterly. "We can't afford to wait."
Squirrelpaw's paws began to quiver again. She began to notice the lack of warmth as she stood by Crowpaw's side.
She breathed again. Time. She reminded herself. He needs time. She had to picture how much he was going through. She couldn't just pull a cat out of their grief. She wasn't over it, she couldn't just expect him to be with all his clan was going through.
"Blackstar's ready to leave as well." Tawnypelt said quietly.
"He is?" Brambleclaw mewed. Squirrelpaw saw the rising hope in his face.
Tawnypelt just looked bleak. "I think he made his mind up before I even came back."
A silence followed. "But… did he believe you when you mentioned the prophecy?" Stormfur asked hesitantly.
Tawnypelt said nothing.
That was enough for their hope to fade.
It only got worse as Stormfur confirmed what most had expected. Leopardstar didn't want to leave the clans. Squirrelpaw wasn't so surprised by this when he mentioned how Riverclan's territory hadn't been affected by the Twolegs.
'Yet'. She thought regrettably.
She tried to force understanding into her heart. If their land was safe and their prey was running well, then it only made sense for Leopardstar to want to remain. Why would she leave when she saw no threat to her clan?
But Squirrelpaw wondered if the leader had actually opened her eyes?
Had she not seen what was going on around them? Had she not paid attention to the loss of four-trees? She was standing on the ruined remains of the Great stone, wasn't she? Did she really not think that this was going to find her clan sooner or later?
"Leopardstar's convinced the Two-legs will never reach our territory." Stormfur admitted, there was a thick clog of fright and dismay in his voice. He looked beyond drained and Squirrelpaw shivered at what Stormfur must have been subjected to when he was trying to convince his leader.
Tawnypelt looked like she was about to rub her shoulder against the grey Warrior's, but she stopped at the last moment. Nervously, she kept in place. "Can't she be convinced?"
"If Mistystar was here, maybe?" Stormfur flinched as if he'd been burnt. "But Hawkfrost isn't convinced we're in any danger either." The grey warrior coughed to burn away the growl in his throat. "He… He told me I was a traitor for even going on the journey in the first place when I wasn't even chosen."
Squirrelpaw jerked where she sat, her mouth dry with disbelief. She turned, glaring at the so-called Riverclan Deputy. He sat looking up at the leaders, his mouth rested in a smooth frown. His icy blue eyes seemed to peer through the night like the predatory glare of a fox. He didn't appear to notice the angry molly as he kept still apart from the cool sway of his tail.
A growl dripped over Squirrelpaw's fangs. Stormfur had been a clan cat long before this mongrel had showed up, and he had the gall to call him a traitor?! "What does he know?" She hissed in a tight whisper. "Why would Leopardstar even let some rogue become Deputy anyway?"
She soon wished she'd never asked.
Crowpaw was staring at the Deputy, as well, with such a burning flame of hatred that Squirrelpaw found her own anger cool in her shock. Stormfur had begun to shiver in his own spot, a pounding shame on his muzzle.
"Was that his reward after he lied to Leopardstar?" Crowpaw hissed, twisting to face Stormfur. The tom's teeth were bare in a creased snarl.
Stormfur couldn't meet his eyes, "I-I don't…" He trailed off and that seemed to make Crowpaw angrier.
"Don't what?" He hissed. "Don't understand what your clan's done?!"
Brambleclaw stepped ahead, blocking Stormfur from Crowpaw's view. His amber eyes looked down on the apprentice warningly. "Crowpaw, calm down. What's going on?"
"Don't tell me to calm down!" Crowpaw was barely keeping his voice low enough to not alert the leaders. His eyes blazed in the dark. "That fox-hearted rogue told Leopardstar that Windclan was stealing prey from Riverclan. Now she's forbidden us from using the lake!"
"What?" Squirrelpaw squeaked.
"You heard me." Crowpaw didn't look back. His back arched, fur shaking with fury. "How are we supposed to survive without water?"
Squirrelpaw began to understand Crowpaw's anger a little easier. The memory of Tallstar begging for Windclan came back, the reality of desperation in his actions, and now Leopardstar had made it all for nothing. She thought back to Webfoot and that skinny apprentice she'd seen when she'd come back, and apprehension surged in her legs. They hadn't even been able to drink for who knew how long. No wonder Tallstar was ready to leave the forest.
Brambleclaw seemed to settle at the realisation of this information. He sighed deeply, already sounding softer.
"I'm sorry, Crowpaw. But there's nothing I can do." Stormfur said, "Leopardstar believes his story." There was a quiver at the end of his voice.
Crowpaw caught it, his tail thumped against the ground. "And do you?"
Stromfur flinched, "I never said that."
"I asked you a question, didn't I?"
"Crowpaw, please!" Brambleclaw pressed stepping forward again. Despite the pity in his eyes, he still kept his voice firm. Crowpaw eased back a little but his mood didn't waver. "I get how you feel, but Stormfur can't change Leopardstar's decision."
"So Windclan cats should just die of thirst then because of some lies?" Crowpaw muttered indignantly. Then he began to stare at Brambleclaw a little more. "Or do you believe that rogue as well?"
Brambleclaw sighed, "Crowpaw-"
"We. Didn't. Steal." Crowpaw snarled out, "And if we did it's because we didn't have a choice! My clan shouldn't be left for dead because of that. You never saw them."
Squirrelpaw suddenly remembered the first time she saw Crowpaw. How he had lunged at Brambleclaw after they'd found his patrol… stealing.
She shook her head. It didn't matter. Stealing prey didn't mean a whole clan had to go without food or water. If Thunderclan was in such a position could she honestly say she wouldn't do the same thing. Every clan had elders and mothers to feed. And this wasn't a usual time for any clan, they couldn't let any cat grow weak now. She couldn't help but understand Crowpaw's anger.
After all, it wasn't that surprising to her.
The pure anger and quick blame in his tone; it was a Crowpaw she knew but still didn't recognise.
"Your clan is not the only one that's suffering, Crowpaw." Tawnypelt cut in, casting a narrowed glance at the apprentice.
Crowpaw stood there for a moment, then he only hissed and turned away, staring at his paws. "No. But they may be the only one's who can't make it." He didn't need to lookback at his leader to prove his point.
Every cat fell silent again.
No cat may have noticed the flicker behind his anger, the trembling in his tail, but Squirrelpaw knew what she saw.
He was hurting. So much.
She couldn't stop herself. She stepped towards him, hoping to swell her fur with warmth, and pressed her side against his. A small comfort, but one she wanted to give him nonetheless. It wasn't because she… Well, nevermind. No. Windclan was on the verge of ruin and Crowpaw looked like he was trying to balance it all on his shoulders. Her pelt gingerly rubbed his and she swallowed down the stuttering in her chest. "I'm so sorry, Crowpaw. If there's anything Thunderclan can do, I'm sure Firestar will-"
Her pelt went cold as Crowpaw stepped away with a low growl. He wouldn't face her as he spat towards the ground. "I don't need your pity. I'll make sure that Windclan survives this, with or without the other clans."
Squirrelpaw stared.
She stared and stared and stared.
The cat beside her didn't look back once. Squirrelpaw blinked to check if she was seeing things correctly. This cat had the dark fur, the sleek frame and the blue eyes of Crowpaw, but this couldn't be him surely. She knew he was moody, she knew he was in pain, and she knew how they weren't beside each other by the sun-drown place anymore.
But this… even after the cold goodbye and the distance he had drawn…
No. He sounded genuinely angry this time.
At her.
That wasn't Crowpaw. That hadn't been her… After everything…
What was going on?
"Don't be like that!" Tawnypelt snapped through her teeth. Crowpaw growled at her. "I'm sorry Crowpaw, but you're being foolish if you think any clan will survive without the rest of us! Did you learn nothing from the journey?"
"Tawnypelt!" Her brother pleaded, "Please! We're here for a sign! If we fight now, we can't show Starclan that the clans will work together!" His amber eyes burst with pain at his words.
Tawnypelt sighed, her expression was sullen, "It isn't us that will decide that, Brambleclaw. Who knows if the sign will come?"
"Maybe it's too late for that." Stormfur mewed weakly.
"Stormfur, you can't say that." Brambleclaw insisted, his voice broken with shock. "Think about… Would Feathertail want you to give up now?" He sounded desperate to keep the groups hopes alive. It was clear belief was slipping out of all of them.
The sound of her name was like the chill of invisible rain.
Stormfur looked up slowly, his eyes were dull. "I wish we'd never stayed in the mountains." He said softly, his eyes travelled through the group before sliding back to the dark mud.
No one could say anything.
It didn't matter much as the leaders' voices took over the clearing.
There was no agreement between them. They were arguing, divided, split as they had always been.
Like Stormfur had said, Leopardstar refused to leave her territory when they still had food and water to thrive from. She didn't offer any share to the clans.
Blackstar wanted to leave the forest, he said there wouldn't be anything left soon anyway, but he didn't want to lead his warriors on the words of some badger. He would decide where they went. He made that clear with a flash of his eyes, as if he anticipated the other clans to argue. Tawnypelt's jaw dropped when he announced he'd be leading Shadowclan to the Twolegplace, but her voice was gone. It offered no match to her leader's.
Beside her, Brambleclaw had grown stiff with inconceivable panic. He looked at his sister, frozen with aghast fear, trembling at the thought of leaving her forever.
But no words of comfort came out of him.
No comfort came from any of them.
Squirrelpaw was finding it hard to breathe. Every minute they waited for a sign just made the poison in the air thicker. Her sight had gone from glassy to clouded in a matter of minutes, but she found that no tears dampened her cheeks. Perhaps she was too stunned to cry.
She just didn't know what had gone wrong? She wasn't an idiot, she had known, and expected, that things would be different once they came home. But when she looked at the cats she had spent moons eating, sleeping and travelling with, the cats she considered her friends, she couldn't believe what she saw.
Even if they were back at the clans, did that really mean they had to act like strangers?
She remembered nights where they had sat together telling stories, unafraid to laugh or moan at the jokes they shared. They had been warm in the growing trust they had established. But here, under the shadows of their leaders, they all looked stiff and cold, scared to even look at each other. Their words were as blunt as winter bark, wrapped in thorns that pierced through them all.
They had been through so much. Squirrelpaw knew that. She'd been there. She remembered it all.
So why did it look like they couldn't?
Where was the sign? That was all they needed, right? If that came, it would have to make the leaders know they were telling the truth! So why wouldn't it come? Squirrelpaw could only watch as the impatient leader of Shadowclan stormed off the Great rock, denouncing their prophecy as foolish. She also saw her father try to stop him, meeting the bared fangs of Blackstar as he did so.
Squirrelpaw's stomach turned. Midnight had told them that the leaders would have to listen. But they were still snarling like enemies.
They couldn't come together.
Maybe that was why Starclan refused to respond. Why waste time on cats who couldn't believe what they had already foretold?
Squirrelpaw breathed in to stop herself from shaking. No… No! They had to survive this! If they couldn't carry on then why had they even gone in the first place? Why had Feathertail…
It didn't matter what interjections the chosen warriors made. The leaders of Riverclan and Windclan had made up their minds.
In fact, Squirrelpaw only saw Leopardstar's attention drift once.
When she saw her hulking brown Deputy pound onto the Great Rock and sneer at the leaders himself. "If the other clans want to leave," Hawkfrost said carefully, his fox like eyes glinting, "I think they should. Don't let us stop you when you can't stop us from staying here." His mouth curved into a thin smile that appeared to taunt the angry eyes of Firestar and Tallstar.
Squirrelpaw couldn't believe what she was seeing. Her tail flared. How could this tom address the leaders like that? He seemed to flicker in the shimmers of moonlight, expanding like some dark dream into the clouds. He seemed to burn with an arrogance that made Squirrelpaw sick.
But what truly caught her was how Leopardstar said nothing to this disrespect. If anything, her eyes shone with agreement.
She believed this tom, this cat who had sauntered into her clan just over a moon ago, over the word of her own Warrior.
Over the sacrifice of her dead Warrior.
Squirrelpaw's surprise began to bubble into rage. It wasn't isolated as Brambleclaw twisted up to face the tom with a furious snarl. "You just want our territory!" He accused, his face contorted savagely.
Hawkfrost narrowed his eyes, but he simply cocked his head to the side as if addressing a kit. "What would you need it for?" He said smoothly. He wouldn't even deny it. "If you wish to abandon your territory, it can't surprise you that other cats would take it. That's just nature."
"What would you know of our nature?" Brambleclaw shouted, "You're not even clan born!"
Hawkfrost only stared, unwavered.
"Brambleclaw!" Firestar hissed. "Show some respect!"
Squirrelpaw turned to her father in cold horror. Was he really defending this fox-heart over his own Warrior? She knew it was important to not start a fight, but she hardly could see how he could snap at Brambleclaw when Leopardstar had only watched Hawkfrost admit how he wanted to steal their own territory!
As Brambleclaw gazed at his paws in shame, Squirrelpaw could only watch, teeth clenched, as Hawkfrost looked down at them with cold satisfaction.
She looked at her clanmate in deep sympathy. This wasn't fair! Brambleclaw was the one who had been given a message from Starclan, Brambleclaw was the one who had risked his life to follow their instructions, and Hawkfrost was the one who was standing next to his leader in triumph. How was this just? She wanted to scream at the mongrel herself, but she didn't have the chance as the air was filled by her father's pleas as Blackstar stormed away with his clan.
She couldn't say anything, she could only sit there, fighting for breath as Tawnypelt, looking defeated, was forced to follow her leader, unable to even give a goodbye to her gasping brother.
Stormfur was soon forced to leave as well. He offered Squirrelpaw a sad goodbye and a promise that he would try to talk with them again soon, but he didn't sound like he believed it.
Even when Tallstar scrambled from the Great rock, shouting in a withered voice that they needed to make a truce, Leopardstar didn't bat an eye. She strode off, eyes cold, followed by the proud, smirking Hawkfrost. Stormfur could only follow, head dipped. He was the only one who looked back when Tallstar fell from the Great rock in his panic, his fall only lessened by the quick pounce of Crowpaw. Then he slid into the shadows.
Squirrelpaw could feel the failure on her tongue.
It swarmed around the Great rock like a cloud of locusts. There would be no sign tonight. And there would be no agreement either, only conflict.
She heard her father's sad voice above them. A leader's tone, soft with defeat. "I couldn't convince them."
No one could.
Squirrelpaw gazed into the shadows where her friends had disappeared. Beyond her sight, they had returned to the ruins of their own clans. And yet, their leaders couldn't believe them. They had denied the meaning of their journey and relied on their own decisions, no matter the cost of the other clans.
The only hope she could find came from how Tallstar was on her father's side. But even that was thin as the Windclan leader was desperate to leave soon, while her father begged him for more time to reassure the other clans. It wasn't a surprise to the molly. She only needed to look at Tallstar to understand his frenzy. But like her father, she knew they couldn't just leave the others so easily.
"Why didn't the sign come?" Squirrelpaw said breathlessly. Why hadn't Starclan come to them? She turned to her remaining friends and was heartbroken by the hopeless look on Brambleclaw's face. His shoulders had sunken and his head was low. He looked as if he couldn't find the strength to lift a paw. Crowpaw hadn't seemed to hear her as he kept close to his leader who sat, shaking, talking with Firestar.
"I don't know." Brambleclaw said hollowly.
Squirrelpaw blinked rapidly, "What are we going to do now? We can't just leave the other clans?" She couldn't imagine the thought of doing that. If they kept apart who knew what that would mean for the clans. Squirrelpaw was certain that no clan would survive if they didn't stay together. She couldn't just let Tawnypelt and Stormfur go that easily!
Brambleclaw let out a mew of pain. "It's like Tawnypelt said." His voice cracked, "It isn't up to us anymore."
"No… We-We have to do something!"
"What can we do?" Brambleclaw looked up and Squirrelpaw shivered at how dark his eyes looked. "We can't change the minds of the other leaders. Not even their own Warriors could do that."
Squirrelpaw shook her head. The logic of her clanmates words was something she refused to accept. "No! Starclan gave you that message because they wanted us all to save the clans! That's what we have to do!"
"I want to believe you, Squirrelpaw." Brambleclaw looked up to the expanding darkness. He seemed to be pleading internally for a light he didn't think would come. "But what if we can't."
"We have to!" Squirrelpaw squeaked. She would not allow herself to believe this was all for nothing! They had to save the clans! They had to!
It was what Feathertail had died for.
Squirrelpaw fixed her brow into a determined frown, she forced herself to keep straight. "Things will work out, Brambleclaw!" She meowed. When Brambleclaw just silently looked down at his paws again, Squirrelpaw didn't waste a moment. She fixed herself beside him and wrapped her tail around him. "You'll see. We're all going to be okay."
They would be, she told herself. We're going to be okay.
We're going to be okay.
We're going to be okay.
She repeated it in her mind until her vision was clear.
There was a silent appreciation in Brambleclaw's eyes, but he didn't smile. His tail patted Squirrelpaw's back thankfully, before lying still again. Squirrelpaw sighed, disappointed, but she backed off. The tom clearly wanted a little space to think. All she needed to do was remind him when he was too much in doubt.
Her head turned towards her father and Tallstar again, they were stood beside their medicine cats discussing the failure of this night.
"You're too proud, Firestar." Tallstar rasped, his eyes were narrowed. "If you wait around for the other clans to agree, both of our clans will die. You know that."
"Tallstar." Firestar said softly, fighting to keep straight. "I understand what you're saying, but I can't… I can't just let my clan leave the others in this chaos."
"And what about when the chaos consumes us both?!" Tallstar demanded.
Squirrelpaw's ears fixed back, her heart suddenly stabbing with pity for her father. How could any leader be asked to lead in a situation like this? She saw Crowpaw watching a tail-length away. His fur was flat on his back as he watched his leader warily, like he expected a sudden attack from Firestar.
Squirrelpaw tried to swallow down her anger. But that was difficult. When she looked at Crowpaw, a terrible feeling rattled in her chest. The bitter sting of his words, the lack of trust, the assurance of his own isolation, it consumed Squirrelpaw's heart like a hungry adder.
She cringed and forced herself to look back at him again. But when she did, she was so stung by what she saw. This wasn't the Crowpaw she knew. This bitter shell wasn't her friend, it couldn't be. He was in pain, just like her. Despite what he said and how he acted, Squirrelpaw knew, she just knew, that there was a part of him that needed her.
Just like a part of her needed him.
This wasn't about how she truly felt.
More than anything in the world, Crowpaw was her friend and if he needed her, she would be there.
Besides, a voice in her head had reminded her of something she needed to do.
Biting her lip, waiting a moment, then taking another deep breath, she stepped towards him. Crowpaw's ear flicked and he turned back, upon seeing her his angry expression softened somewhat but it was by no means recognisable yet.
Squirrelpaw gulped, shaking away the hurt of feeling how awkward it had become to just talk with him. "Crowpaw?"
"What is it?" His voice was sharp.
Squirrelpaw's tail sank a little, but she kept her face straight and gentle. "I just…" She looked at him deeply, hoping to catch the part of him that remembered the journey. The good parts. "I'm happy that our clans will be travelling together."
Crowpaw bristled, "We should be leaving soon. My clan can't afford to wait."
"I know." Squirrelpaw said gently, "Mine can't either, but we just need more time to-"
"We don't have time!" Crowpaw snapped, his voice was a quiet lash. He stepped closer so his leader wouldn't hear him. "We tried to convince the others, but they wouldn't listen! That's their fault!"
Squirrelpaw gasped, "Crowpaw, we can't just leave without them! What about Stormfur and Tawnypelt?"
"What about my clanmates? What about yours? Do you really want to let them suffer because Leopardstar and Blackstar can't see sense?"
Squirrelpaw's brow furrowed, she couldn't stop herself. "What about their clans? Their clanmates shouldn't be allowed to suffer instead! We need to try and convince them."
Crowpaw scoffed, "I'm sure hunger will convince them soon enough!"
Squirrelpaw shivered. She didn't like the bitterness in Crowpaw's voice. She forced herself to ignore the voice that screamed that was what Crowpaw wanted to happen to them. He wasn't the kind of cat who'd want that for anycat… she was sure…
"I don't want to argue with you, Crowpaw."
"Then what do you want then?" He looked back at his leader carefully.
Squirrelpaw's jaw rolled back and forth, there was a biting sensation in her chest. "Greystripe told me to tell you something."
Crowpaw paused.
He knew who Greystripe was. He knew who his family were.
Squirrelpaw saw a slight trembling in Crowpaw's tail. She blinked when she felt her eyes start to become glassy again. "He wanted me to thank you. For… being Feathertail's friend."
Crowpaw's ears flattened hard against his skull. Instantly he turned to Squirrelpaw, his face numb with bewilderment. It felt so new that Squirrelpaw was caught off guard.
Then she allowed the hope to fill her again.
Feathertail.
That was who they were bonded by, she was the cat that would always be in their memory. She was the reason for the hope that Squirrelpaw kept so close to her heart.
She felt, she just felt, that Crowpaw had to share that too.
But then Crowpaw killed that hope with three words.
"It doesn't matter."
Whatever response Squirrelpaw had expected, it wasn't that. She hadn't mentally fortified herself for the bleak audacity in his voice.
The air suddenly felt like it was stinging.
"What did you just say?" Squirrelpaw whispered, her voice was sharp as her pupils shrank into tiny pricks that blurred the darkness of the night. Through her trembling sight, she found she could barely distinguish Crowpaw from the dark anymore.
And what she did see, the sunken cavern of his face, looked like a complete stranger.
"I said it doesn't matter." The darkness let out a soft growl that rumbled and buzzed in the night. "What good did being her friend do when she isn't even here?"
The night began to shrink. Squirrelpaw began to shake.
It didn't matter?
Those three words began to glow red in Squirrelpaw's mind.
"She was our friend." Squirrelpaw said, her voice tight. "Of course it matters."
"How?" The hollow voice responded, "Did it stop her from dying?"
"That's not the point."
"There's no point to it at all!"
Squirrelpaw's heart began to burn, "You don't mean that. You don't." She said it again to give him a chance. "How can you say that? She would have done anything for you! For any of us! You know that!"
"Yeah I do!" The voice hissed, "That's why she's dead." There was a long, glaring silence. "If that's why she's dead then it would have been better if we hadn't been friends to begin with!"
In the draw of her scattered breath, Squirrelpaw's cold denial transformed into a storm of fury! She twisted her head up to the cat, her breath racing in a fierce rage. He didn't even look stirred. He just sat there, glaring at his paws as if he had said enough.
It didn't matter. That was what he'd said.
Their whole friendship.
Feathertail's laugh.
Feathertail's kindness.
Feathertail's smile.
None of that mattered?
By all accounts, Squirrelpaw realised with a simmering blaze, the implication of those three words was that Feathertail had died for nothing. Whether it was his intention or not, Squirrelpaw did not care. Feathertail had died for him, because she loved him, because she loved her clan.
Did her sacrifice mean nothing then?
"How dare you?" Squirrelpaw said, her voice was rough and scratchy. "You can't be serious!"
Crowpaw looked up at her silently, then with a sharp grind of his teeth he turned away again. "Why don't you think about it? She died for all of us! She would have been better off if she'd just looked after herself!"
"She sacrificed herself because she wanted us to survive!"
"And now she isn't here!" Crowpaw spat out, he shook his head with a hiss.
"I can't believe you! Have you forgotten what she wanted? She wanted the clans to work together! She wanted us to be friends!"
"And look where we are now." He wouldn't even look at her. He couldn't do that much! "Look around you, Squirrelpaw! The clans aren't going to change just because a Warrior wants them to!"
Squirrelpaw stared at him icily, her paws tensed and her claws scraped into the mud. "That isn't what she believed! And how can you say that? You said…" Squirrelpaw fumbled for her breath like she was reaching for air above a roaring river. "You said you wanted us all to continue meeting."
She wanted Crowpaw to acknowledge that. It was something. It was a memory. It was hope.
Crowpaw didn't even bat an eye. "Yeah? Well… that was my mistake."
Mistake…
Mistake…
Mistake…
"Are you kidding?" Squirrelpaw said gently. She had lost the effort to find her voice straining.
Crowpaw didn't respond, he just looked back at his leader.
Mistake.
Was that how he saw everything?
Squirrelpaw sat there not listening as Tallstar and Firestar began to end their discussion.
She felt like she was waiting as her eyes kept fixed on Crowpaw. He still had his back turned to her. Maybe she was waiting for the slightest break that showed he was lying. That he didn't regret everything he said. That everything important to Squirrelpaw still meant something. That she still had a reason to hold on to the memories of the friends she had made.
Crowpaw didn't move.
Squirrelpaw felt something hopeless inside her.
She breathed in and out.
Fine.
"Fine." She said to the dark back. "You know what? If she could see you now, she wouldn't even want to see you again."
There was no reaction.
She could sense that Windclan were about to leave. She wouldn't let him have the power of ending this conversation. Of ending their friendship. She rose to her paws and let her heart speak before her mind.
"In fact," She said in a voice she couldn't believe was hers. "She'd be ashamed of you."
She didn't wait to see any reaction, inside of her was a putrid pool of satisfaction and regret that was too heavy to let go of.
She didn't wait for her clanmates, she just began to stalk her way back. She'd tell her father and Brambleclaw that there was nothing else to hear. Sliding through mud and sap and destruction was too easy for the molly now. That terrified her.
But she would wait until she got back to the gully where her clanmates were sleeping before she let everything truly take place in her heart.
The hopeless situation.
The loss of her friends.
The belief she struggled to hold.
She wouldn't cry. She told herself.
She wouldn't cry.
She wouldn't cry.
She cried. Nestled in the dark gully between her sister and Shrewpaw, in this place that screamed the truth that her home was gone, she cried silently. Her face buried into two paws, sucking in her sobs like she was hiding from predators, she let her eyes water until they were sore and she was too exhausted to do anything else.
But even as she fell asleep, she couldn't ignore the shadows over the faces of her friends.
And she couldn't stop the pain of feeling so alone once more.
She wanted to dream of hope.
But her thoughts were black when she finally fell into the haze.
…
When Squirrelpaw opened her eyes, she was shocked when she didn't smell the sharp rot of the gully. Instead the air smelt ripe and sweet, like they were glistening somehow over her fur. She looked around and saw a vast field, seeming to go on forever. It reminded her of the sea from the sun-drown place, so open and free.
All around her were glittering strands of grass, as well as patches of flowers whose colours seemed to stream into the sky itself. Squirrelpaw could only look up in astonishment as she saw the sky was a bright shadow of dark blue, like how the night began to glisten before a sunrise. Beams of light seemed to hand in the air itself around her. Were they stars? If they were, Squirrelpaw had never seen stars like them. She'd never seen anything so beautiful.
She looked around in awe. Where was she?
What kind of dream was this? It wasn't like those that passed between a blink, she felt alive here, in control.
And entirely at peace.
She felt like she didn't want to wake up.
"Beautiful, isn't it?"
Squirrelpaw froze.
Not out of fright.
But out of something strange and blissful.
She couldn't give herself this kind of hope surely. It wasn't… It wasn't possible.
The sweet laugh echoed over the dream like a soft cloud.
Despite the painful truth of her reality, Squirrelpaw couldn't bring herself to ignore the voice that she knew. It was warm. It was bright. It made her chest gleam in a way she hadn't felt for so long.
Squirrelpaw held her breath as she turned.
A tree-length away from her, a molly stood there. She was glittering under the lights around her, like she was part of them herself. They sparkled over her silver fur like stars that could never go out.
Squirrelpaw had to be dreaming.
This hope couldn't be true.
She breathed slowly as she met the eyes she knew so well. The ocean blue eyes glowed as they connected with hers.
"Hello Squirrelpaw." The soft voice cooed. "I missed you."
Everything in Squirrelpaw told her to keep back and safe from this certain trick.
But Feathertail, real or not, was there. And she gave Squirrelpaw the one thing she missed so much.
A friend's smile.
It was that that made Squirrelpaw run. And when she found herself buried in the soft fur of her friend, she couldn't bring herself to care anymore if this was real or just a dream.
But then she caught Feathertail's scent. Familiar and striking.
And it all became real.
Squirrelpaw cried. But nothing could stop her from smiling.
…
So... been a while.
In better news, I finally finished my exams and got them all back. Passed them all. Yay. Maybe now I can keep my promise to update frequently... for once.
Please leave a review, it really helps. I hope you liked this angsty chapter.
Talk to you in a while.