A long hard day and night later Janeway held an early morning staff meeting in her Briefing Room. Gretchen had asked to bring Be'nl and Soeur, and Janeway did not think they could be turned down under the circumstances, not that she wanted to.
Seven entered first, fresh and prim as always. Janeway had never been more grateful for the woman's regenerative Borg abilities, as she had been able to keep working at peak efficiency until the crisis had passed. When every other physical member of her senior staff had been down, Seven had kept standing, running the Bridge and then Engineering while Janeway had been distracted by Sickbay.
I know she wouldn't accept a thank you, thought Janeway fondly, But that doesn't mean I'm not grateful.
Internally Janeway shook her head, remembering Gretchen's words about Seven, Actually scratch that, I will tell Seven how grateful I am when this calms down a bit. She did a good thing, a great thing, she should know.
The doors opened again, and Janeway was surprised to see it was Be'nl that was wheeling B'Elanna's chair in, and that they were intently discussing some technological details.
For once B'Elanna's not screaming at the K'Terrans…I guess not all the consequences of this were bad.
B'Elanna was still using the oxygen mask, but it was every few sentences now, rather than every few words. Soeur and Gretchen entered directly behind Be'nl, and Gretchen took the seat next to Janeway.
"Well," said Janeway, folding her hands in front of her and opening the meeting, "I'd say we've been through the wringer, but let's hear your ideas for getting out of it."
"We have decided Captain," said Soeur, looking at Be'nl, who nodded, "We have decided that as Shimai is our responsibility…..as we have brought this on our fellow females…and as we have an obligation to our own sisters whose lives are now endangered,"
Soeur looked at her resolved, "We have decided to share our technological knowledge with you Captain,"
Janeway blinked in surprise and Soeur continued, looking toward B'Elanna, "We wish the destruction of this knowledge once our alliance is over…..but we know this may not be completely possible…..We are trusting Lieutenant Torres to work with Be'nl, and the rest of our sisters to enhance Voyager's propulsion, and get us out of Jen Hadar territory as quickly as possible."
"I think it's doable Captain," said B'Elanna carefully, "It's not much different than what we agreed on before, except we don't have much Esoterian gas left…..I'm fairly confident in my ability to enhance the technology they were using. We'll be able to use the remainder efficiently…..but it's a shame, because I think if we had much more of it we could've gotten home."
"It depends on topography too," said Be'nl, "The Alpha Quadrant was always unlikely."
Janeway shook her head, "Don't worry about what might've been B'Elanna….do what you can…..if we make it out of dangerous territory I'll be satisfied."
B'Elanna hissed suddenly, temper returning, "I'll get us out of here. I'll rip off the Jen Hadar's male parts and throw what's left of them in the warp core before I become some drugged up concubine for a damned squid."
B'Elanna slammed her fist on the table violently.
Janeway looked at Soeur quickly, hoping to smooth over any offense at the insult, but as she did so she heard Be'nl's head hit the table, as she absolutely roared with laughter.
"That is most amusing Lieutenant Torres," said Soeur, suddenly clapping in a very dignified manner.
"Call me B'Elanna," said the Klingon hybrid tightly, "If we're going to work together, you might as well."
An hour later the younger women and the K'Terrans were dismissed to start working on the replacement Esoterian gas core, leaving Janeway to take the Bridge and handle the rest of the ship for the day.
After a long meeting with the Doctor late that evening, Janeway returned to her Ready Room to work on some reports. As she entered, she saw a familiar figure on her couch, auburn hair clashing with the fog clouding the window.
Gretchen rose quickly, mannerisms tight and tense.
It was the first time they had truly been alone since the crisis, and Kathryn knew whatever they were both about to say would echo for months or years.
"I want to apologize for what happened in the holodeck," Gretchen said awkwardly, guilt lining her face, "I understand if you want to punish me. But even if you don't," she said, looking down for a moment, "I want you to know I'm sorry."
"It wasn't your fault," said Kathryn, approaching her, "Shimai said herself that she broke your will. You have nothing to apologize for."
"I know she said that," said Gretchen, looking at her, "Be'nl told me when I woke up…..and I don't…..I don't know how to explain it…..I didn't black out or anything but it felt…..distorted somehow…..like I was drugged or something…..but not even I know how much I'm responsible for hurting you…..I was so angry…..if I hadn't been angry at my mother…..Shimai couldn't have used it against me…"
"You're not responsible," said Kathryn firmly, "We've all had some level of mind control on this trip….I've never held a crewman responsible for what they did under telepathic control…..I'm not going to start now."
There was a long pause and Gretchen looked away.
"You could've died…..I really could have killed you," she said desperately, looking back.
"I could've," said Kathryn firmly, holding her gaze, "But I didn't. And if I had I wouldn't want you to blame yourself."
"I know," Gretchen said, nodding half-heartedly, movements stilted. She pulled herself back, and moved away, as if to escape from the Ready Room and Kathryn.
"Gretchen," Kathryn ordered, calling after her, pushing for a reaction, "I don't want this guilt to linger between us. The only person profiting from that would be Shimai. It's done. It's over. I want to move on."
Gretchen turned to face her, several feet apart now, "I almost chocked you to death, exactly like Marla tried to kill me…you think that's an easy thing to let go? An easy thing to forget?"
"No," said Kathryn firmly, "I don't. But I think you should. I don't have the slightest lingering resentment about it. And my only regret about it is that it's hurting you and coming between us now."
"You're an odd person, Kathryn Janeway," said Gretchen, looking in the opposite direction, "I don't know what to say to that."
Kathryn let the awkward moment linger, staring at the younger woman's desolate face. She had not been sure that Gretchen was ready for this conversation, but she knew now it couldn't be put off any longer.
Before she attacked me…she said so many things…..I know part of it was Shimai but still…..those must have been Gretchen's real thoughts…
I can't just let her keep hurting…
"Shimai used all of your mothers against you: you, Rachel, and B'Elanna. She seemed to have a, well I won't call it a gift, a talent in that. Her powers seem to have been tied to the memories of mothers. You all had bad experiences, and she used that to her benefit, to manipulate and control you."
"I heard about Rachel's past," said Gretchen, turning her head, "That's terrible…..she had it much worse than either of us. It wasn't fair what happened to her…"
"I can't imagine," said Kathryn, nodding, "Being physically abandoned by her mother on an unsafe world, having to fend for herself to survive. And…..what Shimai did to her was beyond words…"
Kathryn looked at her meaningfully, and spoke softly, "All the same Gretchen, she knew murdering Alexander was wrong. She wasn't being controlled when she made that choice. She did it because she felt like she was alone….that she was still on that world where her mother abandoned her…..But she wasn't Gretchen. She was surrounded by people who cared about her, who considered her a comrade and a friend. It wouldn't have been easy, in fact my guess is it would've been excruciatingly painful, but she could've reached out for help."
"How was she supposed to do that?" asked Gretchen.
"She could've told B'Elanna when she was tempted to kill Alexander," said Kathryn gently, "I would've transferred her when the men got out of stasis. She could've tried to leave her past in the past. Instead she decided that would be her graveyard."
Kathryn stared at her, and her voice became intent, "I don't want that for you or B'Elanna."
"I'm not sure you're right about B'Elanna," said Gretchen, after a moment, "I think she was just angry, at anyone. B'Elanna loves her mother. She named her oldest daughter after her, Miral. I'd….."
Gretchen looked off.
"You'd never name a child after her," stated Kathryn simply, gently, "I wouldn't expect you to.
There was silence for a long moment as Kathryn stared at Gretchen, and Gretchen stared at the wall.
Kathryn's gaze was very soft when she spoke again, "You spoke to me when Shimai took over your mind Gretchen. Do you remember?"
Gretchen fidgeted oddly, as if startled, and closed her eyes. Finally she nodded briefly.
"Will you tell me what memory you were thinking of?"
Gretchen's lip wavered and she opened her eyes again. They were moist, but the younger woman did not speak.
"Is it of the day your mother died?
"Oh God," cried Gretchen, tears escaping suddenly, "I do not want to talk about that."