"I think you have to," said Kathryn quickly, voice very gentle, "Even before Shimai…..You said you'd been dreaming about it, trying to come to terms with it…..have you ever even told anyone?"

"No….I…..I guess not….." said Gretchen hesitantly, voice wavering.

The younger woman breathed in deeply, "Daddy was very…everyone was very sad…..busy after you died…and I was so sick at first…..things were moving so fast….and when they weren't I…..I never wanted to talk about it….."

…They left a 12-year-old alone to deal with her mother's murder…

No wonder this has been living in Gretchen's head for over a decade…

"I still don't want to talk about it," said Gretchen very softly.

Kathryn frowned deeply, but her voice remained soft, "I think you'll never heal unless you talk about it Gretchen. And I'm in a unique position to listen."

Gretchen looked at her, eyes watery, "It didn't even happen, what difference can it make?"

Kathryn approached her, grasping both arms and holding her gaze.

"Talk," she ordered, gesturing toward the couch, and sitting toward the other end of it herself.

Gretchen fidgeted for a long moment, but then to Kathryn's relief, began speaking, gaze distant, "I was sick, I got very sick the night before my mother's murder. They thought it was the Thox flu…..my hearing became amazing…..my lungs seized up with pain…..the Doctor put me on medication."

"My mother," said Gretchen slowly, "Was watching over me….and then the lights went out on Voyager and…she got some kind of call…..she left and…..."

"Well," said Gretchen gulping, "I tried to contact her…..but I got a weird voice instead…..saying she was injured I…..I tried to convince myself it was L'Naal playing a prank but…..that didn't seem right…"

Gretchen clenched her hands, breathing in and out repeatedly, trying to calm herself enough to get through the story.

"When I got down there she…." Gretchen glanced at Kathryn, wide-eyed with terror and shock, "She was dead."

The young woman gulped again, staring forward, "Marla showed up…..I fought with her," said Gretchen, closing her eyes, "I fought so hard, but I couldn't stop her…..my lungs started to collapse again…..and she was pushing on my throat, trying to make me die faster….."

Gretchen breathed in deeply, "Then my father came in…..and shot her with the gun she'd used on you…..it was altered and it killed her right off…I don't think he intended to do that…..but I don't think he was sorry either…..I really don't remember much after Marla collapsing on me….shouting….and pain…then Sickbay….and pain…."

"And then when I woke up they told me you were really dead….." Gretchen's voice broke on the last word, and she flicked the tears off her face violently.

Kathryn looked at her in horror. Her brain worked in overdrive as she tried to take it all in.

"You said," said Kathryn gently a moment later, instincts finally pouncing on a detail, "You said that Marla poisoned you….."

"Oh that….." said Gretchen.

Why did she leave that out? What pain is it tied to?

Gretchen took in a very deep breath, and let it out with her mouth open and rounded.

Then she turned to Kathryn, voice even, "Marla intended to force you into a choice. My life, or the Thox alien she'd captured."

"What?" said Kathryn, taken aback suddenly, eyes wide.

"Their brains carry a natural anti-toxin….but they have to be killed to harvest it…..and it deteriorates very quickly upon death…..you refused, of course," said Gretchen evenly.

"Gretchen I….." said Kathryn stuttering, still struggling to take the story in.

"I don't blame you," said Gretchen looking down, clenching her hands again, "I don't want you to have murdered on my behalf."

Gretchen looked up, eyes serious, "You didn't really have a choice, I know that. That's the type of person you were. I admired you for it, really. That you couldn't be blackmailed or bought."

Gretchen looked away suddenly, and her voice became weak, "But you could've at least pretended to be upset."

"What?"

Gretchen looked back. Kathryn could tell she was trying very, very hard to appear nonchalant, but it was not working.

Her expression looked very strange, as if her face were a mask, and another distorted image was suddenly bleeding through it.

"She said you didn't care," said Gretchen evenly, but another note was in the sound, one Kathryn strained to hear, even knowing it would break her heart, "Marla killed her for it. She taunted me with that."

Kathryn breathed in suddenly, hands clenching, "Gretchen, Marla could not have been a reliable witness….."

"I know," said Gretchen, one corner of her mouth turned up, in a smile that looked dead.

Gretchen shook her head oddly, and looked forward, "It isn't that Marla said it…..it's that everything I knew about my mother confirmed it…..she herself confirmed it the night before….."

"What do you mean Gretchen?" said Kathryn, stomach twisting.

"I told you I had amazing hearing during my sickness…..like the K'Terrans I guess…and I heard something I wasn't meant to…."

There was a long pause as Gretchen breathed in and out, in and out, shoulders raising and falling.

Finally she spoke again, and her voice was wet, though Kathryn could tell she was straining to keep it even, "She called me a burden…" she muttered finally, "Daddy tried to get her to spend more time with me…..but she turned him down, in no uncertain terms."

"You should have heard her," said Gretchen, turning to her suddenly, the distorted mask back, "I've rarely heard you as firm about anything…..as she was about rejecting me."

Gretchen looked forward again, "I imagine she was glad to die…..glad to be rid of me…..probably what she was thinking of in her last moments…..I'm glad I don't have to put up with Gretchen anymore….."

Kathryn found herself with rivers of tears suddenly on her cheeks. She blinked, again and again, trying to think of something to say.

Gretchen rose up quickly, and as Kathryn could see through her tears, she saw that the mask was winning now, that it was almost back in place.

"Well considering," said Gretchen, voice almost even, but somehow exhausted, "What Marla did…..and Shimai really if you think of it…..that's almost the Equinox story in reverse, the Equinox story where we're the victims…..Marla would've murdered any aliens she needed to, to get back to the Alpha Quadrant and have healthy children….Shimai would've killed all of us aliens, if it could help her have any children…..I can see why my mother thought maternal passion was a bad thing…..."

"I don't think," said Kathryn, chocking, but somehow finding her broken voice, "I don't think she thought that Gretchen."

"You're right," said Gretchen, glancing at Kathryn for a moment, "It was just me she thought was worthless."

"Gretchen….."

Gretchen looked down, but stood casually, hands in her pockets, as if she were waiting for something.

"Gretchen, I'm sure she didn't think that. Being the Captain is…very difficult," said Kathryn, chocking on the words, not wanting to make excuses, "She didn't have time or energy and…..she failed badly…she should've done much better. But I'm sure she didn't mean it. I'm sure she loved you."

Gretchen seemed to shake for a moment, but she clenched her hands, and spoke, even though the first words almost vibrated through the air, "She abandoned me," said Gretchen, "She didn't even take her last chance to tell me something…..anything…..even if she lied. I've had people that loved me tell me goodbye, I know what it sounds like."

"She said goodbye to me you know….in her own way….she said 'take care of Voyager'…..I've been trying to figure out for over a decade now why she picked those last words…..why she wasted her last moments with me…..She looked at me, like it was important, like she knew something was going to happen. She must have known I'd remember, that they'd echo through my mind, it was her last chance…and she couldn't even find it in herself to lie to me…to say she cared."

Kathryn looked at her with pained wide eyes.

"I wasn't even worth pitying…wasn't worth a liability payment…" said Gretchen bitterly, "At least Tom's father still tries to do his duty to his failed legacy…he feels guilty, if nothing else….maybe it's not love, but it's something….and I would've taken something at that point….all she gave me was a burden."

"And yet somehow I've spent my life trying to live up to that….even though I know even if she's watching there's nowhere she'd rather be but away from me…..I loved my mother…..but she didn't want me…..when I really feel that, it's so painful, I know why Rachel Hargrove pushed her head into a warp core to escape it."

Kathryn breathed in deeply, feeling the nerves in her back break into pain. She looked at Gretchen in distress, wanting desperately to fix it.

Gretchen looked at her, "I suppose I'm sorry I mentioned it," said Gretchen, looking away, "I don't really want to hurt you…..and it isn't like I have any intention of doing that…..I have to get Voyager home…..it's the last thing she asked of me," said the younger woman, gulping, "And I intend to do it, whatever the consequences."

"Gretchen, she," said Kathryn, voice firmer now, "She never should have put that burden on you. It was wrong of her to ask a 12-year-old to get us home."

"Gretchen…..why don't you," said Kathryn quickly, wracking her brains and hoping Tuvok had been right, "Why don't you say goodbye to your mother…..in whatever way means something to you…..whatever your real feelings are…..it doesn't have to be pretty…"

Gretchen laughed once, rather bitterly, but then looked away.

"You don't have to mask it anymore…your anger, or your pain."

"You want to come to your own funeral again?" said Gretchen, looking at her with a raised eyebrow, but an otherwise frozen expression.

"Sure," said Kathryn, voice positive, holding her gaze, "I'm not afraid of it."

"You're a very odd person," said Gretchen again, voice monotone.

"I've been accused," answered Kathryn, with no humor.

"I'll think about it," muttered Gretchen, moving toward the door.

Gretchen left very quickly then, before Kathryn could think of something else to make her stay.

Kathryn stared at the door in shock, feeling there was still so much unsaid between them.

Her heart twisted, and she felt wracks of pain go through her body as she began to sob.