Gretchen and B'Elanna sat with each other a long time in silence. Finally, Gretchen's fingers started to twitch with the urge to look at the datapad in her hand, the one with her mother's deleted logs.
But just as Gretchen's thoughts turned morbid, B'Elanna spoke again, rather suddenly, "I'll fight for you, you know," said B'Elanna, "If Janeway tries to put you in the Brig, or demote you, or whatever, because you tell her where she can shove her expectations. I'll fight for you, not you said something nice, I would've done it anyway. We've fought side by side now and I don't leave my comrades out to dry. I don't abandon people…."
B'Elanna looked off sadly, and Gretchen knew she was thinking of Rachel.
"And Tom's not here this time to bring you your favorite hell books," finished B'Elanna sarcastically, looking back with a characteristic glare.
Gretchen laughed, not minding the insult.
"You always fought for me," said Gretchen, suddenly intent, "I remember."
B'Elanna looked at her then, and her serious, poignant gaze seemed very familiar.
14-year-old Gretchen approached the table in the Paris Family Quarters where B'Elanna was sitting. Thomas had left their movie night for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, and she had decided this was her chance.
He'll be back any moment, if this goes badly, he'll be back to help.
She wrung her hands uncertainly as she approached Voyager's Chief Engineer.
B'Elanna looked up from her datapad, "What's up Beehive? I'm sorry I don't have time to watch Captain Proton and the Volcanos of Doom with you and Thomas. But I have a few minutes. Do you want to tell me something?"
"I uh," Gretchen bit her lip, "I was thinking about the apprenticeship you offered the other day….I think I'm going to turn it down."
"What?" said B'Elanna in surprise, clicking her datapad off and straightening up, "You were so excited about it. I'm not letting you do this out of friendship. I'm doing it because you've earned it. You passed Engineering 2, that's the prerequisite."
"Yeah, but…I'm nowhere near as good as Thomas. I really had to work hard and slow…" said Gretchen, voice fading as she looked down.
"Working hard is half the job. And you got a 92, I wish all my Engineers had scores that good."
"Yeah but…I am slow and emotional…..I'll only irritate you….." said Gretchen, not looking up, wishing Thomas would return.
B'Elanna bent down, trying to make eye contact, "Who said that? L'Naal?" she asked angrily.
Gretchen did not answer.
"Look Beehive," said B'Elanna frankly, "If you work in Engineering you're going to irritate me."
Gretchen gasped as she looked up.
But B'Elanna's face was soft as she continued, "Thomas irritates me, L'Naal irritates me. Everyone I've ever worked with has irritated me. Your mother did. Tom did, often. Everyone I've worked with, no exceptions."
"Daddy?" said Gretchen, wide-eyed.
"Less than most people, but yes," said B'Elanna, "If you work with me in Engineering you will irritate me. You will make mistakes. That doesn't mean I don't want you there."
B'Elanna held her gaze and as she spoke sincerely something changed inside Gretchen, "I want you there."
Gretchen stared at the current B'Elanna Torres as she came back to consciousness. This woman was young, barely older than Gretchen now, and rough around the edges in a way she had not been in Gretchen's timeline.
It will never be the same between us, Gretchen thought, It will never be the same relationship it was. Like it is with Tom, like it's beginning to be with daddy.
She would never call this B'Elanna the Klingon word for mommy, would never celebrate mother's day as one of her daughters, would never jump up and down on her couch, giggling with her preschool son, until B'Elanna scooped both of them up in her deceptively slim arms, trying to be mad.
She's the same person, thought Gretchen, stuck by the epiphany, warmth and loneliness warring in her stomach, despite the timeline changes, the age gap, everything, this woman is my B'Elanna.
As the revelation rolled through her, somehow Gretchen was not as sad as she would've expected. Somehow as she looked at the Klingon hybrid's living, young, fierce face, she could accept the woman as something new, not a mother figure….perhaps a sister of sorts.
"You were out there for a minute," said B'Elanna in concern, "Your breath sounded…..very odd. Do you need me to get the Doctor?"
"I did have a vision again," said Gretchen reassuringly, "But it was a good one this time."
B'Elanna nodded, and fell quiet.
Another long, pensive silence passed between them.
"You know," said B'Elanna suddenly, lowering her head onto Tom's opaque pod tiredly, "It's already getting a lot better that it was…..but if I had to listen to everyone's voices like this, their very breath, all the damn time…..I'd want to seal the people I didn't like away in metal tubes too."
"I'm sorry," said Gretchen quickly, standing, "I'll leave."
"That's not what I meant," said B'Elanna, looking up, and Gretchen was shocked to find her eyes were moist, "I mean….I wish I could hear him," she said quietly, gulping.
"I'd know the truth then, wouldn't I?" she continued haltingly, looking away, "But you know I think…..I don't think he'd leave because I'm blind."
"No," said Gretchen, shaking her head instinctively, "I know he wouldn't."
"Then he must," said B'Elanna, gulping, and sitting back in her chair, nervously twisting her hands, "He must actually love me."
"He does," said Gretchen, "Really."
B'Elanna looked up at her then, eyes hopeful, face uncharacteristically vulnerable. There was a pause, and then she spoke again, "I can hear it in your voice," said B'Elanna, "Really."
Gretchen could not remember, in all the years she had known B'Elanna, actually seeing the tireless engineer fall asleep. But to her great surprise, the woman, looking pained and pensive, finally put her arms under her head, which was still against Tom's pod, and minutes later, seemed to drift into unconsciousness.
Gretchen felt overwhelmed after the emotional conversation, but she shook her head violently and searched for the Doctor, who she found doing his rounds in the other rooms on Deck 5, and made sure he kept an eye on B'Elanna's health.
Then Gretchen started back to her Quarters.
As the doors closed in the turbolift, she suddenly felt herself fill with fury.
She's the same, thought Gretchen, ice in the pit of her stomach, she's the same person.
If Tom is the same, and daddy's the same…..if even B'Elanna is the same woman she was in my time.
She's the same.
That fury refused to fade.
It was with Gretchen all night, and all the next day.
As she worked on the Esoterian Gas Core it was with her, as she ate her meals it was with her, as she spoke, as she tried to meditate, even as she danced.
It refused to leave her.
The sudden revelation had bolted straight to Gretchen's core.
We were getting along so well before all this but…..I was right wasn't I? When I had that vision…...how I reacted…I knew before I could even really think it….
…..Just because she's been treating me well…..it doesn't mean she's not the same person.
She tried to destroy me, thought Gretchen, staring in the mirror, seeing her image reflected, as she stood in the holographic dance studio. To replace me with someone she could love.
I wasn't the daughter she wanted.
Gretchen clenched her fists as she continued to stare, standing in an ivory leotard, feeling both naked and startlingly powerful.
A wave of grief went through her unbidden.
She tried to erase me.
Tears began to be reflected in her image in the mirror. She stared a very long time and memories surfaced…teaching Lynna and Mary how to dance…..Thomas reworking the Ready Room as a dance studio as a surprise…..jiving with TomTom in front of the whole ship…..
…..sitting in her father's lap, telling him she wanted to be the Quadrant's greatest dancer….hearing his warm voice of encouragement and his strong arms around her…..
…..all the people who had loved her…..as she was…..without contorting her image into their own…..
…..endless attempts and effort….nearly erasing herself…..her own wishes and desires…..
…..her own self….
…..and still it had never been enough…..
Gretchen breathed in deeply now, and even though the breath was strangled, and her cheeks were flooded…..her chest and shoulders rose…..and as she looked back at the reflection she felt suddenly confident.
I'm still here aren't I?
After all she tried to erase me...I'm still here.