Gretchen was relieved when the next week brought the installation of the Esoterian Gas Core, and an end to the K'Terran's deadly, and disturbing song.
She felt guilty about the lifespan years lost by the K'Terrans, but could do nothing about it but be exceptionally kind and patient to Be'nl, Soeur, and the two new K'Terran engineers, Bahan and Bheina.
Gretchen held her breath with the rest of the ship as the new Gas Core came online, and she watched evaluatingly with B'Elanna and Seven as the new navigational readings came through, showing them to indeed be quickly speeding out of Jen Hadar space.
I don't have any reason to put this off any longer, thought Gretchen to herself as B'Elanna made the official announcement.
She felt her stomach tighten in dismay, even as her shoulders again squared. She had meditated, she had planned, there was nothing else left but to do it.
Before Gretchen's shift ended that day she sent a request to the Captain. She felt certain that, despite the short notice, the older woman would take her up on the proposed meeting that night in the holodeck.
Gretchen was soon waiting, seated and staring forward, at another one of Kathryn Janeway's funerals.
The room was very sparse this time, no longer the beautiful stained glass church. Gretchen had deleted almost everything, there was no coffin, no flowers, and no people. She had replaced the wooden pews with separate metal chairs. The walls were a dull gray, decorated with a colorless Starfleet emblem.
Kathryn Janeway arrived exactly on time. Gretchen heard her first, the sound of the door opening, and then the steady walk across the floor, her uniform shoes clacking distinctively.
Gretchen clenched her hands in her lap, and bit her lip.
She was nervous now, but it had to be done.
The woman sat in the chair beside her, though it was not a close distance, Gretchen had made sure of that.
"How are you feeling?" said Kathryn, voice nearly normal, though Gretchen could hear the concern in it.
Gretchen breathed in, steeling herself, and managing it, feeling herself somehow relax, even as her shoulders became rigid.
The younger woman turned, "I'm fine," said Gretchen, facing forward, outwardly calm.
"I thought you might," Gretchen continued, "Want to know I've come to a decision. A realization I suppose,"
Gretchen paused for a moment, and bit her lip. She felt Kathryn staring intensely, but for the moment she did not return the gaze.
The younger woman breathed in deeply, and continued, voice even and measured, "You said you didn't want our past to be our graveyard, that neither B'Elanna nor I should be like Rachel. I guess you meant we should try to heal."
"Yes," said Kathryn nodding.
"I think you understood B'Elanna's problems better than I did." Gretchen admitted, "You already knew I think, that for B'Elanna healing means accepting both her Klingon side, and her human one, becoming an integrated whole, not a mistake…..Ultimately," said Gretchen, finally turning to return Kathryn's stare with her own, even face, "In my time it meant being unafraid to have children that would also be Klingon hybrids like her, trusting that they'd be welcomed into the community, that their father wouldn't leave."
Kathryn nodded again, eyes intent.
"But healing from the past looks different for everyone," continued Gretchen slowly, not looking away, "So I asked myself all this past week, again and again, how do I heal?"
Gretchen paused, "You know I never made peace with my mother, or her death, that I never got a chance to say what I really wanted to."
"Yes," said Kathryn, staring at her, feeling her stomach tighten instinctively.
"You seem to want me to have a final funeral for my mother….that's what Tuvok suggested too, that I find a ritual that gives me meaning….."
Gretchen paused again, and clenched her hands tightly, but did not look away, "But I finally realized…..the reason I can't make a fitting funeral…..is because she isn't dead."
"Which means….." said Gretchen, face almost expressionless, voice still even, "You're my mother. Whether either of us likes it or not."
Kathryn looked at her for a long moment.
"I know," Kathryn said finally, holding the younger woman's gaze, with an emotion Gretchen could not read.
"I don't say that as a compliment," said Gretchen quickly, looking at her seriously, voice becoming angry, "You're the woman who banned me from dance, and the woman who said I was a burden. The woman who tried so hard to abandon me…..well,"
Continued Gretchen, extending her arms in an odd pose, voice bitter, "Surprise!"
Kathryn flinched.
"Of course….." said Gretchen quietly, letting her arms drop, looking away, "You've tried so hard to keep me around, even when that was incredibly tough to do…..Even when I was being obnoxious…..I don't really understand it."
"You gave me a second chance," said Gretchen in a flat voice, "I appreciate it…..And I hate you for it as well," said Gretchen, very quietly, still looking away, "For treating me differently now that I'm….useful."
Kathryn flinched a second time.
"I've done something for the ship anyway," said Gretchen, voice very fast, "From the first moment I stepped foot on the ship in this timeline I had done something for it. Something for your dream, of getting home….."
"Don't you know?" said Gretchen aggressively, turning to Kathryn now, eyes burning, "That mothers have to love their children when they have nothing to give?...The potential, not the actuality?"
Kathryn flinched. Why can't I think of something to say? She thought hopelessly.
"You refused to love me until I was an investment that paid off…even for all the loyalty you've shown me since then, since I did, I suppose in a way, pay off…..it can't make up for that," said Gretchen, voice dropping, staring at the floor.
"That's why I've been avoiding you since I saw her again…..That's why, I suppose, I attacked you in the holodeck…..why I feel so guilty about it…because as much as I respect you, as much as I like you, as much as you've done for me….."
Gretchen looked back at the older woman finally, sadness and strength in her voice, "It's not enough…..you didn't act like a mother to me…..you didn't love me just for existing…and I'm sorry that that will always be between us…..but I know it will be….." Gretchen paused for a moment, and breathed in deeply.
"I want to choose me for a change," she said suddenly, "I've spent my life trying to be good enough for her….trying to fulfill her last wishes…..I want to be me…I want to leave her behind…and I hate it, but you are her."
Kathryn gulped, nodding, not saying anything, afraid she would break down if she did.
"I'm going to do what I should've done a decade ago, and leave my mother out there to float in the space she loved, where she wanted to be."
Gretchen got up suddenly, not lingering not looking. She felt sick to her stomach, but oddly free.
Why can't I think of anything to say? thought Kathryn blankly, watching Gretchen move away.
When Gretchen reached the door she turned, and solemnly, with form so technical and graceful she could've been in an Admiral's honor guard, raised one hand to her forehead in a perfect Starfleet salute.
Kathryn returned it without thinking.
Gretchen walked out the holodeck door, and Kathryn stared after her, brain working at an impossibly slow pace, unable even to take it in.
After a long moment she turned forward, blinking at the empty space, where she knew her coffin should have been.
Kathryn did not move for a very long time.
She stared at the walls of the holodeck until the computer warned her that the hour session was nearly over. She hauled herself back to her Quarters in a daze.
She's right, I know she is.
How did it come to this, mom?
It's a very odd feeling to have a child bury you…..and still be alive.
Kathryn sat in the chair in her Quarters, leaning back exhaustedly, and cradling a datapad in her hand.
She felt numb, and exhausted, lonely, devastated…..and somehow proud.
She finally did it…I was so frightened for her…after her near death…..at her reaction to seeing her mother again…she finally rose up and told that demon where she could go…..
Stood up for herself, like she needed to…..like she should…
Why does it hurt so much? Thought Kathryn, wiping away sudden tears from her cheeks.
I became a mother today, she thought errantly, Of course it would hurt.
She remembered the rest of Gretchen's words, and tapped the datapad against her thigh. She had meant to write her mother, but she had been sitting in the chair for hours instead, ever since her conversation with Gretchen. It was very late now, about three in the morning, and she doubted she would sleep at all, or successfully compose a letter.
I thought I'd come to terms with being Gretchen's mother, mom, thought Kathryn, But I obviously hadn't…we both talked one moment as if I was, and the next as if I wasn't.
I suppose I had accepted Gretchen as my daughter…..but not that I was her mother…how strange that I separated the two…
Kathryn sighed, and sagged in the chair, propping her head up with one hand.
But it was me, she thought, heart dropping, it was me, if Gretchen hadn't come back, I would have made the exact choices that made her despise herself.
I realized that before but…..I didn't take responsibility for it, not really…..I acted as if it were some other person who did those things.
Maybe it wasn't in a sense, maybe it wouldn't hold up in a Starfleet court but...honestly it was me.
I did it.
Me.
Captain Kathryn Janeway, auburn hair, forty-one years old, mother to a ship, a crew…..and a young woman who hates me.
Good.
She felt her heart physically pull.
Good, she repeated again in her head, forcing the thought.
She's hating the right person this time.