Ability to update fics very slow due to the fact I have college and work, as well as keeping this all from my mother who believes that all fanfics are trash which she is wrong, they are art. In fact she hates anything that doesn't fit inside her little bubble and she does everything in her power to silence me of having my own opinion about anything in the world.

Note: This is being included because recently Fairy Tail Dragon Slayer decided to throw a bitch fit and call me a hypocrite because I gave him negative reviews on two of his fics. It's not hypocritical to hate certain fics if what you find inside is horrible. People have their own tastes and I hated it when like a dozen pro heroes were taken out like chumps or when Kushina was drugged and ordered by her father to be a baby factory for 10 years and each baby would be with a different man until she bore a son. If I was ranting and raving he would have reason to block me but no I was civilized as I didn't call him names or give him threats but he was the one who was name calling. Also he just blocked me even when I was trying to have a conversation which is a real shame as I've been talking with the guy for over 5 years but he decided to end this. (Shrugs) Oh well no skin off my back.

The Boruto Era is a complete failure. It has failed in everything. If you like the Boruto Era there is no hope for you.

Favorite pairings

NARUTO-HINATA (Canon pairing for you stupid fucks who hate Hinata so FUCK YOU BITCHES) I question the sanity of anybody who thinks that Hinata would be with anyone else other than Naruto.

Naruto-Harem (Hinata has to be in it if she is in the fic)

This is for all those hate naru/hina pairing FUCK YOU so what if the pairing is used a lot that just means that the pairing is one that is really popular for it to be used so much and to hate this pairing simply because it is used a lot is ridiculous and pathetic reason to hate it.

Any fic that has hinata and naruto in it and they are not together to me is a complete waste of time to even try to read.

I would also like to put in that I have checked the number of pairings and the combination of naruto and sasuke is more than twice the naruto hinata combination look it up for yourself. I don't know if it is them together or not which is disgusting but those fics are overshodowing naruto hinata fics twice over.

For those who hate this pairing because they quote "Have been done too much" let me remind those assholes that this pairing is cannon so trying to pull out that shit doesn't work anymore fuckers. (Gives a double finger)

HARRY-GINNY W

HARRY-HAREM (Ginny has to be apart of it)

Hated Pairings

SASUKE-ANYBODY He is completely insane I can't understand why anyone would like that no good bastard. I just don't understand why people would like him and why he would be redeemed or even be with anybody.

HINATA-ANYBODY (EXCEPT NARUTO) Why do people have so many where she either cheats on naruto or she hates him or she is with someone else, or finally where there are fics that make out to be a whore like having a harem of guys that is sick. She will never love anyone but naruto in that way you are sick if you think she would be with anyone else.

GINNY W-ANYBODY (EXCEPT HARRY)

ALL YAOI IT IS DISGUSTING

Most Hated Characters

For Naruto

Sasuke- The bastard is arrogant, believes he is unbeatable because he is an Uchiha and has MT. Everest shoved up his ass and that he deserves everything the fucker will never be hokage nor accepted back. Always expect to see Sasuke bashing in my fics.

Obito- psycotic freak

Orochimaru- nough said

Kabuto-nough said

Sarutobi- pathetic wimp

Madara- murderous insane asshole

A- pedofile bastard

Somewhat Jiraya A good person yet absolutely pathetic as a teacher. Naruto left for three years and the result is slightly better taijutsu, break genjutsu, bigger rasengan, better timing with shadow clones and that's it. I am not impressed, with the hand to hand fighting my ability to fight trippled after six months, two days a week and only 45 minute lessons, you can see why I am not impressed. He should have taught Naruto the ability of the Shadow Clone and become a major badass.

Cannon Naruto I hate cannon naruto for the reasons that he is pathetic, stupid who only recently gained some balls and maned up saying he'll kill sasuke but then he lost points for saying he'll die with sasuke. This is a reason I prefere to read fanfic naruto instead of watching cannon naruto which I only watch sparingly just to keep up with what's happenning.

For Harry Potter

Snape- That arrogant fucker who deserves to rot in hell for all eternity. He always believed that harry was arrogant and full of himself. That would actually be himself considering he loves to torment little children.

Draco- arrogant pureblood

Mr. Malfoy- arrogant pureblood

Ron- abandoning fuck and false friend

Voldemort- murderous psychotic freak

Somwhat Dumbledore- manipulative and naive

Somewhat Molly- carring but too restricting about what harry needed to know which could have gotten him killed

Percy- job more important than family

Umbitch- Need I say more.

Fudge- pathetic childish weak fuck

Dursley's- animal fucktards and abusive bastards

To all "Hinata Cheats On Naruto Fic Writers." FUCK YOU!!!! In no way will Hinata cheat on Naruto, especially with Kiba of all people. She is too much in love with Naruto to do something like that. Copy and paste to profile if you agree.

If you believe that Naruto and Hinata are meant to be together and think that it will happen, copy and paste in your profile

If you hate NejiHina, or KibaHina, or any other coupling with Hinata that doesn't involve Naruto, then copy & paste this into your profile

If you have ever slapped your self on the head and/or banged your head on a table then put this on your profile.

If you have ever lied to get out of something and then kept up said lie for months/years despite the fact that the time for any sort of repercussions for your actions passed quite a while back then paste this into your profile.

If you have ever felt the undeniable urge to slam your head into something, whether it is another person or not copy this into your profile

If you support the Yaoi/Yuri filter for the story search engine, paste this into your profile.

If you have had it with people who don't update their stories without putting them up for adoption, copy, paste and add your name:

If you think that Masashi Kishimoto is ruining Naruto and thinks that anyone who doesn't think so is an f*cking idiot copy paste and add name:

Naruto fanfics are over populated by yaoi, primarily NaruSasu. If you believe me put this on your profile!

If you believe that Naruto and Hinata are meant to be together and think that it will happen, copy and paste in your profile.

Naruto for Rokudaime Hokage! If you also want Naruto to succeed Tsunade as the next Hokage, then copy and paste this to your profile page, and add your name to the list! Help Naruto achieve his dream!:

If you believe that Naruto and Hinata are the greatest pairing, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list:

If you think stories with a MA rating should be allowed on FanFiction.Net, paste this into your profile!

If you think Fanfiction.net should be in under new, fair management for all writers to write without fear, Copy and Paste this on your Profile, and also your Stories:

I support the petition for a Yaoi/Yuri filter!

While I can deal with certain Yuri, Yaoi creeps me the fuck out and I'd like the option to block it and turn it off when I'm browsing through fics. Seriously there is to much of it and people complain about naru/hina being frequent. If you also support such an option for whatever reason, please place it somewhere on your profile and e-mail the people who run this site until they implement it. We all know we want and need it.

Whats your Element ?

Your Result: Fūton (( Wind ))

What element lies within you?

Your Result: Wind

You are fast about your movements and wont give the opponent a chance to attack back. you will find the quickest way to end a fight. you at peace with yourself and others and dont care what others think about you. you enjoy freedom above all, your power consist of using the wind to push and pull your enemies. you can also create a tornado and increase the speed of it to rip you enemie to sherds.

What Ninja Rank Are You (Naruto)

Your Result: Hokage

You are the most powerful ninja of the village, the village champion. As Hokage you get control of the village, army, and the feared Anbu-black ops. You won't see as much action as you used to, but everybody loves you, and you know you will fearlessly defend the village as the sixth Hokage. Take that Naruto! (Next Hokage my @$#)

PERSONAL OC

Name: Robert Applegate

Height: 6ft.

Eyes: Blue

Hair: Black

Skin: White

Build: Reasonably athletic

Age: Whatever I want.

History: Whatever I want.

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Credit for the zanpakutos except for kurama, and tetsusaiga belong to BigCC

Three Zanpakuto’s sealed forms is a blood red blade that is little bit longer and thicker than normal for all three.

Spirits for Katana total of 4

Call “Pierce the Heavens and Earth: Kurama.”

Split into two parts blade looks like a blood red version of Dante’s sword except for a skull there is a snarling fox and he has a blood red and black version of one of Dante’s guns. Can charge elemental chakra through bullets. Blade has all DMC abilities.

Akuma Kurama (Devil Kurama)

The gun part instead of just firing 9mm. can fire shots from pistols to shotguns, can change to sniper rifle to snipe someone and use the firearms from DMC. Blade changes so it can use devil triggers.

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Call “Unleash you’re fang: Tetsusaiga.”

All of the powers it has in the show. Wind Scar, Backlash Wave, Adamant Barrage, red barrier breaker, Meido Zangetsuha both cutting and the moon phases.

Ryuurin Tetsusaiga (Dragon Scaled Tetsusaiga)

Looks like it does in the anime. Can absorb energy based attacks as well as cut energy vortexes.

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Hagasu to Kirisaku, Senkakitsune (Rip and Rend, War Fox) {Melee-type} - Generates a crimson aura around the blade that can be used to form attacks or augment physical attacks

Kyūbi no Senkakitsune (Nine-Tailed War Fox) - Two massive swords connected by chains to the back of a red longcoat where seven massive metallic fox tails. Tails act as chain blades controlled by the user's will and all9 blades can generate crimson energy of shikai.

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Gattsuku, Kuroana (Devour, Black Hole) (Gravity Type) - Can generate gravity from its chains or shuriken blades, either crushing anything it’s wrapped around or greatly amplifying the blade's cutting power.

Subete Shōhiken Kuroana (All Consuming Black Hole) - A suit of upper body armor similar to chest-plate with armor covering the arms as well. Several long black chains with snake-like heads connect to the back while a mini-black hole takes up the center of the chest. Chains can be manipulated to user's will and release gravity energy; black hole can absorb anything or release a massive burst of negative gravity energy.

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Spirits for Ninja-to total of 4

Jikan, Sori to Ninari Watashi Hidarite; Kūkan, Funsai to Ninari Watashi Migite, Futago Megami (Time, Warp and Become My Left Hand; Space, Shatter and Become My Right Hand; Twin Goddesses) (Space/Time Type} - One blade allows manipulation of time, other allows manipulation of space.

Mage Genjitsu Futago Megami (Reality Bending Twin Goddesses) - Blades grow in size and armor coats the user's arms, ending in a bit of shoulder armor and and connected to an angelic wing. Silver armor with black wing for space, gold armor with white wing for time. Blades allow immense amount of control over space and time, allowing teleportaition, chrono control, and other effects.

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Himei, Raichō (Shriek, Thunderbird) {Lightning Type} - Generates electrical and sonic energy from blade and tassel can launch senbon-like needles that amplify electrical currents.

Kōshitsu Kumo Raichō (Imperial Cloud Thunderbird) - Set of golden uper body armor with golden eagle wings. Blade remains same while off-hand is covered in a piece of golden armor shaped like a hawk's head, capable of emitting a powerful sonic attack. Wing feather are manipulatable and act as senbon from shikai while sword controls massive electrical power

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Arainagasu, Suijin (Wash Away, Water God) (Water-type) - Generates super-charged water that can either be used to attack on its own or combine with normal water to create wider area attacks

Hageshī Kōkai Suijin (Raging Seas Water God) - Transforms into a massive water dragon that the user manipulates like a puppet, capable of launching a variety of water-based attacks from its body.

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Tsuki Tobikosu, Shirousagi (Leap over the Moon, White Rabbit) (Light Type) - Gloves can create daggers or manipulate light into multiple energy-like attacks shaped after magicains tricks.

Sennazo no Shirousagi (White Rabbit of a Thousand Mysteries) - Creates a white cloak and top hat in addition to gloves. Cloak can be used for teleportation, invisibility, or to launch large-scale attacks. Hat can be used to absorb or redirect incoming attacks

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Spirits for Tan-to total of 2

Sorera Dan Shori, Kamaitachi (Shred Them, Sickle Weasel) {Wind Type} - Grants the user greatly enhanced speed and the ability to manipulate air presure to create cutting blades or blunt force.

Gokaze Karitori Kamaitachi (Five Wind Reaper Sickle Weasel) - A set of five massive crescent blades attached to the forearms, back, and legs. Further enhances speed and allows greater control over wind and air pressure.

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Hai Warui Moyasu, Jigokugizō (Burn the Wicked to Ash, Hell Forge) {Fire Type} - Allows generation and absorbtion of heat and flames along with greatly boosting arms destructive power.

Tamashī Jōka Jigokugizō (Soul Cleansing Hell Forge) - A suit of draconic armor that greatly boosts the user's strength and allows the generation, manipulation, and consumption of immense amounts of heat and flame.

Kido

Bakudō

Bakudō ("way of binding")

Beginner (Unseated officers and other shinigami)

Kidō Bakudō No. 1 Sai

1. Sai (塞, Restrain) — Locks a target's arms in place behind their back.

Incantation: unknown/none.

4. Hainawa (這縄, Crawling Rope) — An energy rope entangles a target's arms.

Incantation: unknown/none.

8. Seki (斥, Repulse) - Creates a round shield that seems to temporarily paralyze and repel whatever strikes it.

Incantation: unknown/none.

9. Geki (撃, Strike) — Engulfs a target in red light, completely paralyzing them.

Incantation: "Disintegrate, you black dog of Rondanini! Look upon yourself with horror and then claw out your own throat!"

26. Kyakko (曲光, Curving Light) - Hides the target from sight, presumably by bending light.

Incantation: unknown/none.

30. Shitotsu Sansen (嘴突三閃, Beak-Stab Triple Beam) - Shoots three beams of light that pin the target to one place on a surface, slamming into his/her body in three places in a shape of a perfect triangle.

Incantation: unknown/none.

37. Tsuriboshi (吊星, Suspending Star) - Creates a star-shaped cushion of Spiritual Energy, which anchors it to nearby objects with "ropes" of spirit particles. It can stop falling objects, acting like a safety net.

Incantation: unknown/none.

39. Enkosen (円閘扇, Arc Shield) — Summons a shield of condensed Reiatsu to block opponents' attacks.

Incantation: unknown/none.

58. Kakushitsuijaku (摑趾追雀, Summoning of the Tracking Sparrows) — Tracks and locates any spiritual force the user focuses on. To activate it, the user must draw a circle on the ground, cut into four parts with a specific character in each. The incantation animates the circle, causing various numbers to appear within until the specific set is found. The number set seems to be a variation on longitude and latitude.

Incantation: "Heart of the south, eye of the north, finger of the west, foot of the east, arrive with the wind and depart with the rain."

61. Rikujōkōrō (六杖光牢, Six Rods Prison of Light) — Summons six thin, but wide, beams of light that slam into a target's midsection, holding them in place.

Incantation: "Carriage of Thunder. Bridge of a spinning wheel. With light, divide this into six!"

Intermediate(High seated officer and Liutenant level)

62. Hyapporankan (百歩欄干, Hundred Steps Fence) — A rod formed of energy is thrown towards the target before it disintegrates into numerous short rods which are used to pin the target to the surroundings and render them immobile.

Incantation: unknown/none.

63. Sajo Sabaku (鎖条鎖縛, Locking Bondage Stripes) — Binds the arms of a target. It’s virtually impossible to break this spell on physical strength alone.

Incantation: unknown/none.

73. Tozansho - Creates a pyramid-shaped barrier around the caster.

Incantation: unknown/none.

75. Gochūtekkan (五柱鉄貫, Quintet of 1 kan Iron Pillars) — Summons five incredibly tall and thick pillars to pin a target to the ground.

Incantation: "Walls of ironsand, a priestly pagoda, glowing ironclad fireflies. Standing upright, silent to the end."

77. Tenteikūra (天挺空羅, Heavenly Rickshaws in Silken Air) — Transmits messages mentally to anyone within an area of the caster's choosing. In addition to reciting the spell, the user must draw specific markings on their arms, which are animated by the spell to convey the messages. The messages can be spoken either by the caster or by another within the vicinity of the caster.

Incantation: "Black and white net. Twenty-two bridges, sixty-six crowns and belts. Footprints, distant thunder, sharp peak, engulfing land, hidden in the night, sea of clouds, blue line. Form a circle and fly through the heavens."

Advanced (Captain level)

81. Danku (斷空, Splitting Void) — Creates an energy barrier in the form of a rectangular wall capable of stopping destructive spells up to #89.

Incantation: unknown/none.

99. Part 1. kin (禁, Seal) — Binds the arms of a target with spiritual fabric and iron shafts.

Incantation: unknown/none.

99. Part 2. Bankin (卍禁, Great seal)— This spell covers a target from head to toe with spiritual fabric (first song), stabs them with numerous metal blades (second song), and then smashes them with an immense metal cube (final song).

Incantation: First song: Halting Fabric (初曲・止繃, shokyoku: shiryū). Second song: hundred linked bolts (弐曲・百連閂, nikyoku: hyakurensan). Final song: Great seal of 10,000 forbiddings (終曲・卍禁太封, shūkyoku: bankin taihō).

Hadō

Hadō ("way of destruction")

Beginner (Unseated officer and other shinigami)

1. Shō (衝, Thrust) — Pushes the a target away from the caster.

Incantation: unknown/none.

4. Byakurai (白雷, Pale Lightning) - The user fires a concentrated, powerful lightning bolt from their finger.

Incantation: unknown/none.

11. Tsuzuri Raiden (Reading Lightning) - Electric current flows through any object the user touches and is able to lead electricity, damaging any target that is in contact with the object the current runs through.

Incantation: unknown/none.

31. Shakkahō (赤火砲, Shot of Red Fire) — Fires a ball of red energy at a target.

Incantation: "Ye lord! Mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man! Inferno and pandemonium, the sea barrier surges, march on to the south!"

33. Sōkatsui (蒼火墜, Blue Fire, Crash Down) — Fires a burst of blue spiritual energy at a target in a similar manner to 31, but over a wider area and with more power.

"Ye lord! Mask of flesh and bone, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man! Truth and temperance, upon this sinless wall of dreams unleash but slightly the wrath of your claws."

54. Haien (廃炎, Abolishing Flames) — Fires a blast of purple spiritual energy that will incinerate a target completely when it makes contact.

Incantation: unknown/none.

58. Tenran (闐嵐, Orchid Sky) - A widening tornado-like blast is fired towards the target.

Incantation: unknown/none

Intermediate (High seated officer and Lieutenant level)

63. Raikōhō (雷吼炮, Thunder Roar Cannon) — Fires a massive wave of yellow energy at a target.

Incantation: "Sprinkled on the bones of the beast! Sharp tower, red crystal, steel ring. Move and become the wind, stop and become the calm. The sound of warring spears fills the empty castle!"

73. Sōren Sōkatsui (双蓮蒼火墜, Twin Lotus Blue Fire, Crash Down) — Essentially a doubled version of #33, this spell fires two shots of blue fire with greater potency than the single-shot variety..

Incantation: "Ye lord! Mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man! On the wall of blue flame, inscribe a twin lotus. In the abyss of conflagration, wait at the far heavens."

Advanced(Captain level)

88. Hiryugekizokushintenraiho (飛竜撃賊震天雷砲, Flying Dragon-Striking Heaven-Shaking Thunder Cannon) — Fires a gigantic blast of spiritual energy resulting in an truly enormous explosion.

Incantation: unknown/none.

90. Kurohitsugi (黒棺, Black Coffin) — Forms a box of black energy around a target, which is then pierced by dozens of energy "spears", lacerating the one inside from head to toe. Its appearance and function is reminiscent of a common magician's trick, as well as certain torture devices used during the Spanish Inquisition.

Incantation: unknown/none.

Forbidden Spells (Captain and Lieutenant level)

· Jikanteishi (時間停止, Temporal Stasis) — A forbidden spell used by Tessai along with Spatial Displacement. It is a spell that halts time in a specific area.

· Kūkanten'i (空間転位, Spatial Displacement) — A forbidden spell used by Tessai with Temporal Stasis to teleport a specified portion of space from one point to another, transporting even other active Kidō spells.

Other

These spells are not explicitly stated to be in one category or the other.

· Kyōmon (鏡門, Mirror Door) — It creates a glass-like barrier which is difficult to break from the outside, but quite simple to break from the inside.

· Hanki (反鬼, Reverse Demon) — This technique nullifies an opponent's Kidō spell by hitting them with a perfectly opposite surge of energy.

The Laws of Anime

#1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

#3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

#5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

#6. Law of Temporal Variability Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

#7. First Law of Temporal Mortality 'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

#8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).

#10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

#11. Law of Inherent Combustability Everything explodes. Everything. First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first. Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

#12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

#13. Law of Energetic Emission There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.

#14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size. First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.

#15. Law of Inexhaustability No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

#16. Law of Inverse Accuracy The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss. First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage. Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape. Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.

#17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability Minmei is a bimbo.

#18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

#19. Law of Demonic Consistency Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.

#20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

#21. Law of Tactical Unreliability Tactical geniuses aren't...

#22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

#23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

#24. Law of Americanthropomorphism Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'. First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.) Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.

#25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

#26. Law of Feline Mutation Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably: a) be female b) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation c)and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

#27. Law of Conservation of Firepower Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

#28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

#29. Law of Melee Luminescence Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

#30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

#31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

#32. Law of Follicular Permanence Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

#33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

#34. Law of Probable Attire Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines. --Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene). --Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him. First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow. Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

#35. Law of Musical Omnipotence Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.

#36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are: a) The Hero/Leader b) His girlfriend c) His Best Friend/Rival d) A Hulking Brute e) A Dwarf/Kid Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include: --Extreme Coolness --Amazing intelligence --Incredible Irritation

#37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice. First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

#38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

#39. Law of Inverse Attraction Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get. First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...

#40. Law of Nasal Sanguination When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

#41. Law of Xylolaceration Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.

#42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.

#43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia There is no Law #43.

#44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.

#45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.

#46. Law of Flimsy Incognition Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.

#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect"). First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s) to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.

#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will help him to cope in today’s society. (Sniff Sniff

#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter). Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.

#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws 44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave Phenomenon")

52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters (usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons for this are: 1) They forgot that the person is telepathic. 2) They just don’t give a damn. The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are: 1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else. 2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic. 3) They just don’t give a damn.

#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.

#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits. First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying pan or something.

#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.

#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late. First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use it against the "Good Guy". Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring: a) The control device being broken. The control device being taken by the "Good Guy". c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just "fooled" by the "Good Guy". d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.

#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.

#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance, resulting in two outcomes: a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me look. A negative charge will result in the hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.

#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7 for speaker pods)

#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them. (Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)

#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.

#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.

#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few... of even the one.

#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall. (The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)

#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)

#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation- First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping". Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.

#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.

#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis. First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the maneuver. Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion.

#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and 65)

#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.

#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.

#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime characters will either: a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and exposition), Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls, or c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.

#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.

#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?

#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)

#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST capable of dealing with it.

#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just doesn’t work in real life...

#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole (horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.

#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if you’re normally a klutz.

#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a Hentai anime is to start having sex.

#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become possible. First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he is wrong and will invariably be toasted.

#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could accomplish... but his old teacher did!

#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see Laws #67, 69, and 84)

#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack. Usually this results in: a) The hero escaping. b) Clean-up for the underlings. c) The villain getting toasted.

#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.

#88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water, rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.

#89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...

#90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following characteristics: 1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples. 2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.

#91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive vagina.

#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them introducing themselves.

#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death! First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following him around is there because: 1) It’s his girlfriend’s. 2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so. 3) Chicks will dig him more. Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because: 1) It’s her boyfriend’s. 2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so. 3) It makes her look cool.

#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.

#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...") First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is, but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the skin of the tentacle... Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect). Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.

#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other, sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage begins to occur. First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko Thing")

#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)

#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or spaceborne, have the following crew members: 1) The captain 2) His Lieutenant 3) Various female technical staff 4) A hotshot pilot 5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not) 6) The Doctor 7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not) Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include: 1) Extreme coolness/luck 2) Amazing Intelligence 3) Incredible irritation 4) Extreme cuteness 5) Irresponsible drunkenness 6) Homophobicness 7) Emotionless (Idiots.)

#99- Law of Sparklines- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love. No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...

#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To say that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice.

Invictus, by William Earnest Henley

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

Murphy's War Law

1. Friendly fire - isn't.

2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.

3. Suppressive fires - won't.

4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

9. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

10. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

11. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

12. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

13. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

14. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: -when they're ready. -when you're not.

15. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

16. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

17. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.

18. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

19. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. The Ol' Ranger's addendum: Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!

20. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

21. The easy way is always mined.

22. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

23. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire... For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

24. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

25. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

26. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

27. Incoming fire has the right of way.

28. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

29. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

30. If the enemy is within range, so are you.

31. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

32. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

33. Things that must work together can't be carried to the field that way.

34. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

35. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather (and especially during both).

36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

38. Tracers work both ways.

39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

42. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

43. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

44. Weather ain't neutral.

45. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.

46. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.'

47. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

48. Napalm is an area support weapon.

49. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

50. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

51. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

52. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

53. The one item you need is always in short supply.

54. Interchangeable parts aren't.

55. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

56. When in doubt, empty your magazine.

57. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

58. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

59. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

60. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

61. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

62. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

63. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.

64. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

65. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

66. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

67. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

68. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss.

69. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

70. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

71. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

72. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

73. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

74. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.

75. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism (in boot camp).

76. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

77. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

78. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

79. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

80. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism, to steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

81. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

82. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that bill is filled by someone else.

83. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack, when you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

84. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.

85. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

86. Murphy was a grunt.

87. Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

88. Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.

89. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

90. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

91. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.

92. The crucial round is a dud.

93. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.

94. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

95. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

96. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you, if your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it, if your flank march is going well the enemy expects you to outflank him.

97. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

98. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

99. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.

100. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).

101. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

102. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.

103. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

104. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands right at your feet.

105. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

106. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

107. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

108. Walking point = sniper bait.

109. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

110. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

111. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

112. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

113. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

114. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

115. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

116. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

117. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

118. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

119. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you... and miss.

120. Don't be conspicuous; in the combat zone it draws fire, out of the combat zone it draws sergeants, if they can see you, so can the enemy... All or any of the above combined.

121. Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.

122. Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.

123. Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration of shit.

124. Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.

125. A half filled canteen is a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.

126. When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.

127. It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.

128. If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.

129. If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.

130. Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too.

131. Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.

132. There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both. Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.

133. Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case."

134. You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.

135. Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.

136. You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.

137. You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right.

138. Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.

139. "Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.

140. Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.

141. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.

142. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.

143. Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.

144. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.

145. If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part.

146. Happiness is a belt fed weapon.

147. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.

148. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.

149. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have little pieces of fish in them.

150. A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.

151. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.

152. Being shot hurts.

153. Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day, a few were even awarded.

154. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.

155. C-4 can make a dull day fun.

156. There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose.

157. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils.

158. If you lose you don't care.

159. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow, what is important is what you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem.

160. Always make sure someone has a can opener.

161. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.

162. Flying is better than walking, walking is better than running, running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is technically, is a form of flying.

163. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.

164. Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is NOT A GOOD IDEA! -A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot. -Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".

165. As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"Evac even if it is technically, is a form of flying.

The Reasons people write Fanfiction:

People disagree with the Author about what should be done with his creations.

People think they can write the Authors story better than the author can.

People try to guess, "What will come next,"

People who want to play with might have beens, or should have beens.

People think that things that have been left unexplored should be explored.

People find plot crossroads, places where the story could have gone one of a few different ways, and decide that the way the author went wasn't the right way.

People love the characters so much they want to make them their own.

People like the concept of a character, but think the author has failed to bring it out to its fullest potential.

People like to guess, "But what if this had happened instead of that?"

People want to feel important, and so try to place themselves in their favorite universe.

People feel unwanted, or outcast and they want to be where they can't be judged based on who they are but on what they've done.

People want to improve the quality of their writing.

People like the characters but find flaws in the plot.

People like the plot but find flaws with the characters.

People get bored.

People want a reaction.

People want to understand the mind of the author.

People want to know what would happen if that one thing, that one debilitating weakness that all great characters have were taken away.

I hate DBZtards. They are all insane and a bunch of whiners who yell, scream, curse, and degrade anyone who didn't agree with them. The definition of a DBZtard is someone who refuses to have a polite and civilized conversation and goes straight to the insults.

The ultimate DBZtard goes by the name of wizardkoli. This freak is nothing but a whining, lying,hypocritical, scumbag. You can't get a conversation with him unless you agree with the same thing he does. His so-called real stat sheet is full of lies he spouts. He is nothing but a Naruto hater who refuses to acknowledge anything Naruto did and just calls him a thief who had everything handed to him on a silver platter. (Note to any DBZtards who read this if you flame you will be blocked which apparently when you flame it's wrong to block a person).

Just recently the troll thetimepatroller released a new stat sheet between Naruto and Goku and as usual he is completely wrong. Here is what he got wrong.

1. Goku has never shown able to lift a million tons if were talking strictly arm strength then he could only barely lift 20 tons in base form and for those who say that was a gag get over yourself idiots it happened in the manga which is canon and the anime. For those of you who whine and yell saying look at when he lifted that massive red metal in episode 1 of super, sorry but that wasn't canon. In the manga which by the way the English version came first before any subbed episodes he was pulling not lifting. The first subbed episode aired July 5th, 2015 and the first chapter of the new manga in English on June 24, 2015, and the first canon movie aired March 30, 2013. This means that the original writing occurred long before the anime showed up.

2. Toriyama has never said that Grand Kai's planet has 100000000000000000x Earth gravity because I have looked everywhere and there is no sign of it and guess what if you can't provide proof you are a liar. At least FTDS has always provided proof which is something you DBZtards never do other then blowing out your asses.

3. The IT can't be counted as speed you idiot because there is no speed about it, as well as the fact one needs concentration to use it so again can't be used as speed idiot.

4. Goku has never had infinite power if he did then why do so many fights we see him getting tired.

5. Goku never fell from space ever and Sorbet's ray gun was a common one Freeza said so.

6. The rest is you being a worthless idiot and I don't need to talk anymore considering the fact I have broken you and exposed you as a liar and a hypocrite.

Here is a current list of DBZtards: Wizardkoli1, thetimepatroller, Azure Saiyan,

Why Naru/Saku is a horrible pairing?

1. Sakura is a manipulative bitch. She had Naruto promise her to bring Sasuke back to her which has nearly gotten him killed multiple times by playing on his feelings for her. She threw him into a sort of depression with her false claim of love.

2. Sakura is abusive. She constantly hits him for the slightest of things with punches that can break boulders. What does she do when he comes back after beating Pain, she punches him.

3. Sakura is weak mentally and formerly physically. During Part 1 she is useless and weak physically and mentally, always crying and whining. In Part 2 when she needed to kill Sasuke, she didn't do it and nearly got killed by Sasuke (Which should have happened). Also when she was picked on she cried and Kushina kicked butt.

4. Sakura is a masochist. She keeps constantly going back to Sasuke even though he has tried to kill her.

5. The only thing Sakura has in common with Kushina is temper (Even then that's debatable considering Kushina only hit Naruto once because he was accusing her of being Kurama) and a stretch of hair color. She has none of the love and affection to Naruto that Kushina has. She has never put her life on the line for Naruto, not like Kushina and Hinata have.

6. Naruto's crush on Sakura only lasted because she was the main heroine of the story and if Hinata had been given her place those feelings would have died out quickly and he and Hinata would have gotten together sooner.

7. Sakura has the least amount of beauty from the entire female cast. According to Naruto other than height she hadn't changed a bit from how she looked as a child. Hinata and Ino look cuter than her when they were kids even when Sakura is an adult.

These are just a few reasons why this pairing is horrible.