It had taken six months to clear out the titans. And now... they'd actually reached the sea. Levi still couldn't believe it.
But he blinked again at what stirred down at his feet.
The brats were sleeping on the shore, lit now by his pool of torchlight. He stared at them where they appeared to have fallen sprawled on it without a care. Their hands clasped each other's, and Armin snuggled his head close to Eren's shoulder. The torchlight and the starlight lit their profiles.
They were like a pair of idiotic toddlers. Neither of them seemed to care that their feet were mere inches from the dark water, or that the gritty white dirt that formed the shore blew with the breeze into their hair. Eren appeared as angry as always, asleep — but Armin wore a soft smile that almost made Levi want to smile, too.
Gross.
He looked away from both of them, out and across the twinkling sea that reflected the light of the stars. He resisted the powerful urge to kick more gritty earth in Eren's hair, or to shove both brats into the sea to wake them. How could they even sleep here? The waves hissed; to Levi, such noise sounded sinister. Those myriad glints on the water's surface like blades, those gross creatures and plants Hange had found growing on the bottom, and the fact that at any moment boats might slide in from a land where people wanted to kill them... Those things kept Levi on edge. He didn't see how anyone could enjoy this place — never mind fall asleep near it. And who the hell had been on watch that had let these brats sneak out here?
Also, was it his imagination, or was the line of that cold, dark water creeping closer by the minute? How could it possibly do that? Was the sea being filled at an abnormally fast rate from a river, or from rains somewhere, like some kind of a giant tub? Damn, it was cold when the wind gusted, too.
Eren and Armin hadn't even brought blankets. Screw higher titan body temperatures; this was stupid and dangerous and they should have known it.
Levi sighed, but he still didn't wake them. He told himself some shallow lies. That he actually just didn't care. That he let them sleep because of that, and not because they must be dead tired. If the damn most important titan the Scouts had and his golden boyfriend got killed out here sleeping fully exposed, maybe Levi would let them. Maybe Levi could take on all of Marley himself. After all, these two had made him have to listen to their noisy sex again. Did they think Sasha was the only person with acute hearing out here? Was Levi supposed to take their fornication on the front lines sitting down?
He stared for one more moment at the waves. And then at the stars above them, while squeezing his torch a bit more than it deserved. He dug one toe into the sand and kicked at something Armin had called a 'seashell,' then glanced up again at the stars.
He wondered if there were as many stars as he had dead comrades. Maybe dead people became stars. It wasn't like Levi would know.
But someday, he'd probably find out. He'd probably make a chibi star.
"What do you think, Kenny?" he asked aloud.
But he didn't bother to strain for an answer.
Nobody could hear him out here. Eren and Armin were too exhausted to be listening. The camp was half a mile behind them, so no one there listened either. Dead people were dead; they certainly couldn't hear.
So there was no use trying to imagine what Kenny would have replied back, or trying to talk to the man about Levi's use of his injection on Eren's fuckboy. Petra wasn't looking down at him from up there, smiling or urging Levi to have faith in and believe in the team he'd chosen. The most important man wasn't even up there.
Maybe that was why this sucked so much, and Levi didn't feel like doing anything decisive. Decisions that he made without Erwin's input... they were more likely to turn out bad. Probably.
He shivered, despite the warmth rolling off the torch he still gripped. He could shout up at those stars, or out across all that water, and unless their enemies really were very near, then all of his words would sail straight to a void. That was how big across this body of water was rumored to be... and how alone Levi felt right now.
He bit the inside of his cheek, then raked his bangs out of his face with his free hand. He pivoted in the wind, cutting off his morbid thoughts.
The water had begun to lap at Eren's feet.
"Oy." He finally kicked Eren Jaeger — in the soft part of his side, under his rib cage. But not to injure him, for once. "Oy, I said."
Armin stirred first. Levi kicked Eren again, while Armin rose and rubbed his eyes.
"Captain Levi?" Armin sat up straighter. He seemed to snap fully awake, looking immediately toward the sea to check for threats — to his credit, Levi decided. But upon seeing no lights of boats and thus determining there was no threat, Armin turned back, his brows furrowed. He asked softly, "What's— what's wrong? And... you should put that torch out in the sand. If there were enemies out there—"
"I wouldn't have needed the torch if I'd known where you'd gone, and didn't have to come searching for you," Levi grunted.
Eren was half-conscious by now; one of his hands gripped Levi's ankle in a vise-tight fist out of instinct to prevent any more kicking.
Levi just balanced on one foot and let the kid figure out who had kicked him.
Eren woke the rest of the way. His eyes widened in increments. His gaze trailed from his own clenched hand, up Levi's boot and then his leg, past Levi's hips and waist, and finally to Levi's narrowed eyes. Upon recognition, Eren released his hold — as if Levi were a titan, too, and had just shot out steam to scald him. Then Eren looked away. "Sorry. I didn't mean to grab you."
The reaction of respect was satisfying. But Levi hated it when Eren submitted so easily. "Huh — embarrassed to be caught manhandling your captain?" While he asked it, he held out his free hand to help Armin up... for Armin had stumbled in trying to rise on the shore's uncertain footing.
When Armin accepted his hand, Levi grasped the boy's long, smooth fingers, still addressing Eren Jaeger. "In that case, are you finally apologetic, too, for making me see you both naked when I caught you red-handed in bed earlier?"
Armin twitched, trying to let go of him, but Levi squeezed his hand tighter.
Eren sprung to his feet. But the green-eyed boy did nothing except watch Levi guide Armin carefully over a rock, so that Armin could stand well clear of the water. Only after Armin was steady did Levi ease up on Armin's hand — letting go as respectfully as a knight released a princess. Levi also managed to hold in his snort at the flash of Eren's jealous, protective scowl.
After, he fixed Eren with a deliberate smirk that said he'd noted Eren's reaction.
First Eren flushed. Then he scowled harder. Then he apparently decided to relax. In his most disciplined language, but with some bite, he said, "It was you who came into our tent, when there was no reason for us to have expected you to do so, Captain, sir." Then Eren sniffed and wiped his nose. The damn chill was making the kid ooze out snot.
"Jaeger..." Levi replied, finished taunting now and weary instead, "Go back to camp. Your boots are wet."
Eren blinked down at his wet boots, then exchanged a glance with Armin. "I—" But he stopped when Levi cut him off by plunging them into sudden darkness.
Levi kept grinding his torch into the sand until he felt sure it was out. Then he untied his ascot and stepped in to wipe Eren's nose. Eren fought with him immediately.
Levi muttered, "Hold still, brat." And then, when Eren stilled at last, "At least it's not blood leaking from your body this time. I guess it's good your ugly, animalistic fuck-fest didn't prove too damn hard on you."
Eren knocked Levi's hand away, took the now-crumpled fabric, and finished wiping his nose himself.
Levi's eyes adjusted to the starlight. When Eren thrust the ascot back at him, he tucked it into his pocket. "Go, Eren," he said, voice hard. "Armin, you hang back a minute."
Armin's eyes widened in alarm, reflecting slightly in the light from the stars. "What do you—"
"That's an order."
Eren grunted. He didn't go. "Why aren't you coming back to camp?"
"Because I'm your superior. I can do whatever I want."
"Not with Armin," Eren countered.
The wind whipped, but the sound of it didn't cover Armin's small hiss of reproach.
Levi said emotionlessly, "Don't get your dick in a twist. It's only you who has an interest in Golden Boy like that — and the rest of us know how to focus on our mission instead of our dicks, by the way."
Eren said, "I'm getting sick of you always only—"
"Go back."
It took a moment of standing angrily in each other's personal spaces and glaring, but Eren finally obeyed — mostly in thanks to Armin's gentle urging.
When Levi could confirm Eren had crunched back down the shore and disappeared, following the shadows of the footsteps Levi had left there that served as his trail, he turned so he and Armin stood side by side. Again, he looked out over the dim water. "Do you know what you're doing, Arlert?" he asked.
Armin didn't try to play games or be crafty; he seemed to realize it was better if he became honest and direct. "Regarding my relationship with Eren, or in terms of my position as the Colossal Titan?"
"In terms of Eren Jaeger."
Armin laughed a bit shakily. "I don't know. I keep flip-flopping."
It was as Levi had assumed, then. In the end, they were only kids. They couldn't be expected to have a clue what they wanted. But still, it hurt him to hear it. If the two of them were going to risk their hearts, and so much else to keep fucking each other, it would have been nicer if they both felt confident about it.
But it seemed like as of right now, only Eren's confidence dripped off him. And if Armin didn't feel the same way... Well, Armin was the smarter one. So if Armin wasn't confident about what they were both doing, Levi assumed that at some point there might be backlash, trouble for all of them.
"Do you love him?" Levi asked.
"I— yes. I do. Yes, very much." But Armin sounded shocked, confused.
After a pause, Levi realized that shocked response was thanks to him. Maybe Armin thought Levi had gone too far, prying deeper into what wasn't his business.
Armin peered at him, hesitant. "Captain... you're equipped to give love advice?"
Levi twitched. That was why Armin was surprised? Armin thought Levi couldn't talk about love? That rubbed him in the wrong way.
He tisked, becoming immediately brusque. "Who said anything about being equipped for love advice? This isn't me giving advice. I'm just assessing the situation. Anyone with a set of eyes, whether they're sappy or not, can figure out we're all less doomed if you and Eren get along."
"So there is worry after all, even if Sasha tried to tell me that everyone, that even Mikasa would be fine about us. You're saying that if we're dramatic, or things get too emotional between him and me, it might effect things like Eren's ability to transform when he most needs to, and thus endanger everyone. Everyone's worried about it?"
At least the kid caught on quickly. "Eren's ability might be affected..." Levi murmured, not answering the question, "...or yours. It's probably the same now for both of you. Titans need a concrete goal to transform. Conflicted feelings about people can't get in the way, or we're all dead. So, Armin — are you two each other's concrete goals... or not?"
His pointed questions seemed to fall of deaf ears. Armin just looked at his feet on the shore.
"Was that disgusting spree of yours in bed just because you're horny teenagers, or what?"
The waves had snuck closer again.
If Levi hadn't truly wanted to protect Armin — for the sake of humanity inside the walls, for Eren's sake, for Erwin's sake — he probably would have drowned the boy then and there, for the uncomfortable silence.
But finally, Armin spoke. "Can I ask you something, Captain Levi?"
Levi didn't acknowledge the question. He suddenly became wary that Armin might ask him a personal question. There was no way Levi intended to talk about anything personal with anyone.
The one person he'd done that sort of thing with was gone, now. Forever gone.
Armin said, "It's about the 57th excursion outside the walls, when the Scouts first encountered the Female Titan."
Levi blinked, stiffening his shoulders. He wasn't sure this topic was better than a personal one. He had bad memories of that time. "Spit it out, then. What about it?"
"At the time you and Commander Erwin captured her in the forest, I was in the trees, on the outskirts — so I never saw what happened personally. On top of it, I wasn't thinking as clearly as I usually do, because I'd had a blow to my head. But I heard the roar Annie made. I was just... thinking about that roar."
Armin began crunching off down the sand, pacing while he addressed the incident. Levi rolled his eyes and followed, keeping step close at Armin's side.
"The roar... The reports said the other titans responded to it, isn't that right?"
Levi spoke in a monotone. "After she roared, the others ran in and devoured her titan — so that she could escape on foot as a human without us catching her." This time, Levi tripped in the sand and the dark — and felt surprised and irritated when Armin reached out to steady him by the shoulder.
The only person who'd occasionally touched Levi like that, on the shoulder, had been Erwin Smith. Couldn't Levi go a single instant, a single conversation without being made to think about the person he wished wasn't dead?
Damn this shore, this sea, this life. And what the hell creator of their earth had made sand so wavy and this hard to walk on?
Armin calmly continued. "If Annie called them with that roar, and directed them to eat her... In other words, if she manipulated or instructed them specifically to come to her, and it wasn't just that the other titans heard and interpreted her roar of their own will and then chose to flock to her... it means she can control other titans, doesn't it?"
Levi stopped walking. His boots scuffed in the sand. This definitely let him temporarily forget Erwin.
Annie. Controlling titans. Exactly like—
"We know that's what the Beast Titan does, too. He makes the other titans do his bidding," Armin said.
"There's some kind of relation between the two, then." Levi tried not to shudder. This could be bad. "They both have a similar titan knowledge or power." It probably meant Annie wasn't rogue in the way Ymir had proved to be. More likely, Annie was definitely tied to the outsiders who were trying to kill them.
"Not only that," said Armin. "But they might be related in another way."
Levi hesitated. "By their blood?"
"We can't rule it out, I think. And why we can't depends on another piece of information we now have. Well, sort of have."
"Sort of?" Levi grunted impatiently.
"I... I was going to wait to report this, because the truth is, I'm still not sure, but... Eren and I believe the Beast Titan is Zeke."
Levi twitched, but tried not to show that he felt shocked hearing the information. "Doctor Jaeger's first-born brat?"
"Yes."
Levi thought it over. But swiftly, his emotion knocked aside any consideration. He said, "I don't care. I'll still kill him. And I'll make sure to have lots of fun doing it."
Armin didn't say anything. The wind carried the tang of salt to Levi's nose as if in deep agreement. Levi ultimately didn't care what the circumstances or relationships were, or who the damn Beast Titan was. They needed information, that was true, but in the end, knowing more might not change anything. The only truth was that next time, Levi wasn't going to hesitate in order to try to think anything through, or try to get answers from that bearded blond ass. He was just going to end him.
"So, thinking it through logically," Armin murmured, "if the Beast Titan is Zeke... then he has royal blood, from Dina. Maybe that royal blood is what enables him to command other titans." He pivoted to face Levi, his words becoming more urgent. "It's just a hypothesis, but if it's true, it would suggest that Annie could have royal blood, too, and that that's why she also commands the titans."
"Huh."
"She's even blond, like a lot of the royal Eldian line seem to be."
"If that were all it took, you might as well say you and Erwin had royal blood also."
Armin froze on the shore for a moment. Then he shook his head and prattled on. "The point is, I think it's a lead worth investigating as soon as we get back to the interior. Eren's Founding Titan power also lets him control titans, but he can't use it with any reliability... Maybe the key to using it could be found out if we investigated a person like Annie."
Levi found he could not reply to that. His anger toward the Beast Titan had faded again, returning his logic... and he had realized something else related, and very much uncomfortable. He said, "We have Historia."
If they needed a person with royal blood, then she was already right in front of them. Levi and Erwin had been the two people to put her there, by stacking pressure on her.
Armin looked serious. The moon had come out from behind some clouds. It was only a half-circle, but it lit up his expression. "Yes, we have Historia. So the logical thinking is that we could just use her instead. Maybe we could even use her to investigate the ability to erase memories. But, Captain... I don't want her to be the only option we have. She doesn't have titan powers, and finding a way to bestow them on her so that then we could get our answers would be... traumatic. For everybody."
Levi agreed that it probably would. But he didn't say so out loud. He just lifted up one eyebrow. "You just don't want to get eaten by her for the cause, do you. How cowardly."
Armin's lips twitched up, then curved back to a frown. "I don't want our Queen to have only thirteen years to live, or to be forced back onto the front lines with the Scouts, when she's so kind and good for everyone within the walls. And I think it would be foolish to revive the Reiss family's succession practice. I think if there are other family lines with royal Eldian blood in them, and if they're already titans... then we should focus on them. I'm sure Eren would consider it as well."
"You mean you haven't talked to him about it directly?"
Levi wasn't sure he bought that. Those two — no, those three — talked about everything. And if they weren't talking about plans together, that only proved his point that Armin and Eren's relationship was volatile enough to inhibit operations.
His mind flashed onto Mikasa. He'd been trying to keep an extra eye on her, considering their connection and the history of their families. She'd been distant from Eren and Armin lately. Maybe it really was as Hange feared, and their formerly inseparable group slowly broke now into two, and not three.
Armin continued talking. "I think Eren's already figured out that Historia might be in danger somehow. But I also think, if I told him we had to use Annie instead... he wouldn't like that much, either."
"Using Annie... Are you sure you'd like that, Armin?" These brats were all so sensitive when it came down to each other.
Armin stayed quiet a long time.
Levi finally grew impatient. "Biased thanks to the Bertholdt inside you now, huh?"
"Annie," said Armin, after another pause, "was actually a nice person."
Levi snorted. He disagreed — and hard enough to grit his teeth.
Annie was why his squad had died. Why Petra, Eldo, Gunther and the rest were now cold, distant stars in space. If Levi ever again got his hands on that titan-skin-encased bitch, she'd be deader than a doornail. She'd be in more pieces than the Beast Titan would, once Levi re-met that bastard. More pieces than the door to Eren's basement after Levi had kicked it in.
Well. After he handed Annie over to Hange for a world of creepy experiments first, that was.
Or maybe he'd give Annie to Zachary instead.
"So you want to use that 'nice person,' Armin, or not?"
"It's a matter of 'need' at this point, isn't it," Armin said, his voice dark. "Not want. We likely don't have a choice but to gamble on her, and despite our personal feelings."
Levi tossed his bangs out of his face when the salty air mussed it again. Those words made Armin sound mature. It occurred to him just how many months had passed in a flash, and that Armin was growing up whether his sex life indicated it or not.
Levi glanced at him up and down. Even if he didn't believe Armin fully prepared to tackle a relationship with Eren Jaeger... at least his faith in Armin's intelligence was growing overall instead of waning. "Keep that talk up," he uttered, "and I might finally start to think you're a quarter as capable as Erwin was."
Armin didn't say anything.
Levi decided he had tested Armin enough. "Go back to camp now, Armin. I would be in a hurry to clean out that mouth of yours after sucking on someone like Eren all night. Extra soap and water, got it?"
Armin was probably flushing. Levi couldn't tell in the dark. But Armin stammered back at him. "A-actually, it isn't my... It's actually the other— Not that you—! Not that it's appropriate to be addressing it like this, even if you are the Captain and caught us together that way!"
Levi's eyes felt so wide they would become sore. Was Armin seriously revealing right now that Eren was the person to go down on him? Was this what he had to look forward to now, until the day all of them died in battle? This was his new Levi Squad? "Gross."
Either damn way it worked out, all of it disgusted him. These were details that Levi had never asked to know.
And he definitely, definitely wasn't jealous of anything those damn brats did because he'd never gotten to do it himself, when it was him rising quickly through the ranks.
"Are you coming back with me?" Armin asked, sighing.
Levi made a scrunched face. "Hell, no."
[THREE HOURS EARLIER]
Eren had ruined the mood of happiness and wonder while they had all looked at the sea. He knew it. But he couldn't have kept his foreboding to himself if he'd tried. The truth felt absolutely overwhelming.
He would never be able to stop fighting. There was no freedom, despite all of their hopes. There were only more enemies on the other side of that ocean. He hadn't meant to act like a downer, to stomp all over Armin's dream. But he couldn't deny what he'd realized, either.
Their hope was an illusion. None of them — especially the titans among them — would ever get to rest. They'd probably have to fight until they died. Which basically meant everything was the same as when they'd all first joined the 104th, intending to kill themselves for the cause.
In a way, it was kind of funny. But Eren had felt too dejected to laugh hollowly this time.
Now he reclined on his blanket and pillow at their campsite. The canvas sides of the private tent he'd chosen to share with Armin rippled in a salty breeze, and the lamp light of the single lamp they had burning flicked shadows everywhere. Armin wasn't yet finished setting up his own bed; he had unrolled half of it and chosen to sit cross-legged on it instead.
Armin looked to be thinking. Eren could understand the need for it. But more than that, Eren wanted to talk. He wanted to talk... but felt he couldn't.
He stared at the tent ceiling, folding his arms under his head. There were so many things now, so many things Eren was keeping to himself. But if he didn't, everything and everyone he loved or otherwise cared about might be jeopardized. He didn't want Armin to lose his hope, or that smile. He didn't want Historia to be taken advantage of. He didn't want Mikasa to wear herself to the bone protecting him.
What it all boiled down to, Eren thought, was that he simply needed to become stronger and take all of the burdens onto himself. But he didn't know yet what that would consist of or how he must get there.
Did that mean he would need to face Reiner again, alone, perhaps? Destroy the Beast Titan himself? Kill more human beings that looked just like him, that were possibly of Eldian descent like those within their home walls, and other people even more human because they didn't have inborn potential to become titans, thanks to being pure blooded Marleyans?
Maybe Eren could make all this stop and finally eliminate titans from the earth, every last one, if he ate any and all of the other original Nine titans the Scout regiment hunted down. If Eren ate them... if Eren ate them all... then he would gain all their powers. That would help him destroy the rest. And once there were none left but himself and Armin...
Eren would die after eight years. If he could eat every one of the remaining Nine before then, then perhaps all those titans and their powers would die with him when he did. Sure, the lore said that if a special titan like Eren died without passing his power down, the power would just manifest in someone's random newborn. But that could be wrong, or a lie — couldn't it? At the least, any new baby born unsuspecting — and to unsuspecting parents — would be unlikely to realize it had been born with powers. It might transform by accident, of course, like when Eren had reached to pick up a teaspoon... but even if it did... if the world took precautions and prepared everyone for the possibility of a titan suddenly springing up from—
But no. Eren halted his mind's whirring.
No, none of that would work at all. There was no guarantee the baby would show up on Paradis specifically, where anyone from Eren's side could prepare for coaching and controlling it. It might just as well be a baby born on the mainland, on the Marleyan side — for Eldians were everywhere. If the random baby appeared on the Marleyan side, Marley would rejoice... and continue to attack Paradis. This would just be a cycle, on and on.
The lamplight flickered again, and Armin sighed. Wordlessly, Eren put out a hand, and Armin gripped it, holding it tight. Eren decided that meant Armin wasn't too upset with him for raining on everyone's parade at the seashore.
"Eren?"
"Mm?"
"No... never mind."
Armin apparently felt like he had things he couldn't talk about now, too. Eren didn't like this difficult place they'd come to.
If only, if only Eren could stop any cycle of doom from occurring. If only he could eat the rest of the Nine titans and die, and ensure no more titans except maybe the Colossal one that was Armin would exist on the planet anymore. If Eren knew Armin, Armin would support that plan — assuming they could find a way. But... he'd probably beg Eren to eat him as well before he died, so there really would be nothing left to speak of.
Eren wasn't sure he could eat Armin.
So then, should he convince Armin to eat the remaining titans from the Nine, before Eren's eight years ran out? And then make Armin eat Eren last? If Eren had to be eaten by someone, he'd prefer it to be Armin, anyway.
That had to be the best plan. Who but Armin could be trusted with so many titan powers? Who could handle such heavy responsibility? Armin. Armin, who'd been chosen over Erwin, Armin who felt his duty to humanity like a knife inside his breast. And if not Armin — then Historia.
There might be no way, Eren thought, to avoid cursing Historia after all.
Eren rolled over on his side, still holding onto Armin's hand. He tried to imagine a future where he got eaten and Armin obtained all the important titan powers. Armin could then put the power back in its rightful place by returning it to the Reiss descendants, letting Historia eat him. Then, once both Eren and Armin were eaten, gone from living forever... Mikasa could keep the good, human memories of them alive. Mikasa could retake her rightful place as an Ackerman, protecting the royal family with her incredible skills... while the royal family watched over the titan power and controlled access to it, ensuring it passed down to only those who would protect or otherwise do good with it.
But that... wasn't that exactly like what had been happening before? Wasn't that exactly what Uri Reiss had already been aiming for? And hadn't that gone horribly wrong, because Grisha Jaeger had come in through the walls and stolen the damn power from him? Eren's hand twitched, but Armin didn't stir. Eren scrunched his face up, discontent. This might keep on going in circles, circles.
Wasn't there a way to change anything? Wasn't there any other choice? A new, better way that would somehow change all their futures, once and for all?
Why did there always have to be so much that their side didn't know?
Damn, Eren wasn't good at assessing these things. It made him mad to feel confused and helpless. Armin was better at thinking and figuring out solutions.
"Eren?"
Armin's voice grounded him again. Eren blinked a few times. "What?"
"I was thinking."
"About what?"
"Well, Conny's village."
That again? Eren released Armin's hand, moved to scrunch the pillow behind his head into a more comfortable shape atop the sandy ground, and then collapsed on it. "We're never going to know what happened there until we learn something more."
"But I still want to try," said Armin.
Armin's head was whirring now just as much as his. Eren might as well lend his support; Armin's thinking always proved more useful than his. "So, run through it out loud again."
Armin pulled up his knees and flung his arms on them to rest, obliging at once. "If we take the reports and what Conny says to be true, then it seems like his mom turned into a titan. Like the entire village did, which is why there was no blood or human remains, and why all of the horses were still there. But the question remains of 'How did it happen?' All we know at this moment is that an injection can make somebody a titan. The fluid in the injection can. But using that... there's just no way the whole village could be turned at once. Right?"
"Then why do you still keep insisting whenever you bring this up that the whole village had to have been turned at once?"
"I might still be missing a key aspect, but I don't see how it could have happened any other way than that. To end up in the situation where not a single person got eaten... they would all have had to become titans at the same time. Think about it. If someone went around the town, quietly injecting each and every citizen there, it would take a lot of time to do. And in the mean time, the first titans to be created via that injection would wander around and start eating the people that hadn't been injected yet."
"So maybe they had a lot of undercover agents like Bertholdt and Reiner, and a group of them injected everyone around the same time."
"That would take incredible coordination, even with the village being fairly unpopulated compared to other areas. In fact, because Conny's village was so small overall, don't you think the citizens would have been more likely to notice that something was wrong, if all of a sudden a lot of unfamiliar people showed up there trying to blend in like Bertholdt and Reiner?"
"Maybe the Marleyan agents that snuck in all claimed to be a displaced group from a different village here, refugees, and so Conny's village took them in. Or maybe they were hiding there as part of Conny's village from the very beginning." A chilling thought, being deceived so long.
Armin raised a hand to his chin. "But if they infiltrated that long ago... or even six years ago, when Reiner and Bertholdt started all this... That would have to mean that the Beast Titan, that the Marleyans have had some important plan for Conny's village from the very beginning."
Eren said nothing. He just remarked again silently on his uneasy feeling. "It's not hard to believe, is it? We'll have to look again at Conny's village from a tactical perspective and see what advantage they thought they could take from it."
"Well, the advantage they took is already obvious, isn't it? They were able to overwhelm us with titans when we didn't expect it. But that still doesn't explain how everyone got transformed in the manner they did."
"Armin. Why does it even matter?"
"Because we know so little! Anything we can discern might become relevant." Armin replied without looking like he paid attention to Eren whatsoever. His fingertips rubbed his mouth, now. "I still think it would be too hard to time injecting every village citizen at once."
"Maybe they injected themselves."
Armin froze and remained silent. Eren could hear the distant waves, now.
"Maybe," Eren said, "whoever infiltrated from the Marley side convinced them all in some great speech to do it, and then passed out injections to everyone, and counted down so they all did it at exactly the same time."
Armin shuddered. Eren could understand. What he was suggesting was like a kind of brainwash, something bordering on madness, or religion that warped people's minds and made them willing to become a sacrifice.
Then Armin stirred again, sitting straighter and looking back at Eren. "No. If that had happened, then there would have been a physical sign of it in the village. One very large, concentrated area of destruction resulting from a group of bodies turning titan in the same place at the same time. There was nothing like that in the report. The destruction was peppered all across the village, a little everywhere."
"So maybe the person who brainwashed the village into consent passed out the injections, and then sent them all home with instructions to inject themselves when the bell in the village center tolled a certain time."
"I guess that could be an option."
"Or maybe they weren't brainwashed at all. Maybe they were all just lied to, or threatened." Eren could feel his voice grate at the same time he noticed it lowered, gone dark.
Armin nodded, as if to acknowledge his fury. "It's more likely that whoever on the Marleyan side did this did it dishonestly. That's their track record, after all. Deceit, lies, being sneaky. It's because really, they're careful. So directly addressing the villagers in any sense... it doesn't seem quite like them. So I wonder..." Armin chewed his lip. He muttered, "If I think outside the box... I wonder if the village wasn't turned by injections at all. Remember when you said Rod Reiss licked up the fluid from the broken injection vile and still transformed?"
"But he wasn't a functional titan when he did." But Eren frowned. Was that because Rod had licked the fluid instead of taking it directly in the back of the neck or otherwise a vein somewhere, or was it because he was Rod Reiss in general, an inappropriate successor to the titan power? No, Eren thought next. How could anyone be inappropriate to receive the titan powers, if they were from inside these walls, Eldian? The whole point was that Eldians all had the ability to become titans. So he his first idea was more likely right. Ingesting the injection fluid did not work as well as actually injecting it. "Conny's village turned into functional titans, Armin. They were able to leave the area. So they can't all have licked up the fluid instead."
Armin paused. "They weren't all functional. Conny's mother's titan couldn't get up from the house she was on top of. Her limbs were far too tiny. That's why she was still there when he arrived."
Eren let out a little hmmph.
"It's probably not a question of how you take the fluid, more like a matter of amount. Rod Reiss wasn't functional likely because he only got a little lick. And maybe something happened that made Conny's mother not swallow enough, too. But if everyone else there did..."
"So, what?" Eren began to grow frustrated. Would focusing on minutiae like this really get them anywhere? His concern was their future. "They all filled glasses with the fluid and toasted each other with it, before all of them knocked it back?"
"What if," Armin didn't react to Eren's increasing impatience and sarcasm. "What if whoever infiltrated put the fluid in their water supply?"
Eren blinked. Then his fists clenched. That sounded so underhanded, so despicable. Horrible. And yet it still didn't make sense. "What about the timing issue, Armin? How could whoever turned the village guarantee that everyone would drink the poisoned water at the same time? Somebody would still get thirsty first, go for water, then transform and eat whoever was nearest, leaving a mess. And there were no messes."
Armin gripped both sides of his head. "I know. It isn't making sense! Maybe the village did get turned one by one, and these titans either refrained from eating anyone or ate some, but with impeccable table manners!"
Eren thought. "Maybe someone had the power to delay their transformation. And then to trigger it at the right time."
He thought he was onto something at last, but Armin only waved one hand, dismissive. "I already thought of that — never mind that I don't know how anyone could arrange it. It would make sense, yes. But still... not to know how...."
Eren thought it would have been much easier to time the transformation of basic titans. It was more complicated for titans like him, like Armin, the original Nine special titans. For Eren, triggering a transformation depended on personal factors. He needed pain... and a goal. A purpose. Even if an enemy could have managed to injure everyone in Conny's village at once... how could they have guaranteed each villager would also have a goal in them? So it was probably just some kind of magic.
The point was, he and Armin would never know until they did. Armin should stop straining himself over it.
"Is it some additional kind of royal family power?" Armin muttered.
Eren leaned back on the bed. "Well, they can erase people's memories. Who knows how they might have used that to their benefit in Conny's village, or what other powers they have."
"We need... to interrogate Annie," said Armin in a whisper.
Eren flinched. He didn't want to talk about that. For days now, he'd suspected Armin would say that, but that didn't make it any easier to deal with.
"Let's do something else," Eren said.
The drop in his voice must have suggested to Armin exactly what kind of 'something else' he meant, for Armin, startled, dropped his hand from his chin and turned to glance at Eren, flushed. "Right now?"
"Do you still think we shouldn't?"
Armin moved to his knees, wriggling them slightly, kneading his hands in his lap. "I already told you what I think about us getting intimate. And I've also made it clear I can't resist. My mind and my body want two entirely different things, Eren... so I'm not sure it's a good idea to ask me to decide for us." Armin paused. "But... I do think..."
Eren sat up, leaned in, and took one of Armin's hands. "You do think... what?"
"I do think both of us could use some cheering up, or a distraction from too much over-analysis. And the fact remains that intimacy with you is still the most effective way to accomplish that."
That did cheer Eren. "So I can kiss you."
Armin almost smiled. But instead he leaned in too, and said, "If you would. Please. If you wouldn't mind doing everything, actually..."
That made Eren's body heat up — with desire, love, and gratefulness. Armin still hadn't rejected him — and every day he didn't, every day Armin kept believing and accepting how much Eren loved him, Eren considered himself lucky. In fact, Eren stayed glad to turn himself to Armin's pleasure first, always, to keep him.
He pinned Armin atop his bed so Armin's golden hair fanned out on the pillow. "I love doing this," Eren said. "And I love you."
Armin flushed. "I know. I believe you now. And you know I love you t—"
Eren kissed Armin quiet, afraid that if he heard the sentiment returned right then, he'd grow too ardent too soon. Eren wanted to take his time. So for a long time, they kissed gently, almost lazily, until Eren could feel Armin's body relax under him. Then Eren picked up the intensity — gripping Armin's jaw, using his tongue, commanding the pace and the pleasure so Armin didn't need to think about what moves to make or when. Eren could tell by now what Armin wanted and when, just by keeping attuned to the movements of Armin's body. He could tell when Armin felt ready to rest by giving control of himself over to Eren completely... and Eren gladly did the work for them.
He moved down Armin's body with his lips.
"Your hair..." Armin whispered it. Then Eren felt a brief tug as Armin curled fingers into his hair; the motion temporarily prevented him from kissing Armin's navel.
"What about it?"
"You've let it grow a little long."
Eren tugged the waistline of Armin's pants down and kissed the inside of Armin's hip, reflecting a minute. He hadn't wanted to bother trimming his hair this time. Was that because he was lazy? Because they were all too busy to find the time? Because his father Grisha had worn his hair longer, and sometimes Eren still forgot he was Eren and not Grisha now? "Do you not like it?" he asked.
Armin jerked and gasped, feeling Eren's repeated kisses at his hip, and then breathlessly tried to answer the question. "Well... is it really my decision what you do with it either way?"
For a moment, Eren worried that meant Armin didn't like his hair growing longer.
Then he decided if that was the case, he'd give Armin something else to like instead.
He finally tugged Armin's pants down and dipped his head between Armin's legs, to run his tongue along the part of Armin that was already so hard and ready for him. Immediately, the sensations Eren had come to love — Armin's taste, the weight of him, Armin's length and girth — assaulted all of his senses. Then came all of Armin's little gasps and noises as Eren began to bob up and down. Armin's fingers curled tighter into his hair, too.
Eren could probably do this all night, if only Armin weren't sometimes so quick to come. But maybe that was Eren's fault. Maybe he should go even more slowly.
He tried to. He really did. He pulled off a moment to lick at just the tip instead of swallowing Armin down relentlessly. He kept at his task, trying to go slow, to draw it out, to tempt... and to ignore for now the pressing need between his own legs. This time he felt more confident he could manage. But Armin moaned and made Eren's control waver.
Get it together, Eren told himself. Make it about him first, then you. You love him and he loves you, so there's no need to be greedy or hasty about it. In this, Eren thought he should be more like his mother than like his father.
A few memories leaked back to him.
The first time Eren had done this to Armin, he hadn't been sure about any of it. There was a piece of Eren's ego that remained opposed to putting another boy's dick in his mouth — probably the piece that worried what Jean would say about him if he knew. But Armin's response to Eren's attempts at the action had shifted his every perception to a positive one. Those little gasps, Armin's writhing around, seeking more contact so that Eren had to hold him still to prevent getting choked... Armin's clear pleasure had erased all Eren's doubts. And so Eren had decided to learn and improve — get perfect at it. He'd seen his mother doing it a lot to his father in memories. Doing it coyly against walls, and in intimate warm corners — before Eren was born and always in the house or underfoot. She'd looked so young... and Grisha had known she was good. So Eren had mimicked her, trying to learn from it — lick, suck, swallow — ignore how hard the ground could be on one's knees — until Armin shuddered and came. It was like learning ODM gear. He'd confronted the task of taking Armin in his mouth with a vengeance, determined to succeed.
And now he felt sated, every time, pleasuring Armin like this. He loved it because Armin loved it.
But this time, for some reason, Armin stopped him. "Eren... wait. Wait. It's not enough."
Eren freed his mouth long enough to scowl, muttering while holding Armin's eyes. "But you always like this." Armin looked torn, and turned on... and helpless. "And then you always want to go again. So we have sex then, and you—"
"I can't wait for the sex. I want it now."
Eren backed off, widening his eyes. Somehow, Armin's directness startled him. Or maybe it was something else. He wiped his abused lips with the back of a wrist. "Um. I can do that with you now, of course, but why—"
Armin sat up and panted hard. "It's torture when you draw it out like this — of the best kind — b-but this time I don't want to come with you way down there. I-I want..."
"Just tell me what you want, and I'll do it." Pausing too long like this would drive Eren crazy. And still Armin's directness felt like looking at Armin differently somehow. The longer it went on, the more Eren grew certain he likedit. Certain it reminded him of a different Armin from long ago, one before titans had burst through their walls.
Armin inhaled a deep breath. "Can we try to come at the same time? Or can you focus on yourself first, for once? I wouldn't hate it if..." Armin swallowed, but kept holding eye contact, and did it although he fiercely blushed. "I wouldn't hate it if you came first, for once — inside me, even — just so I could learn what it felt like, and then come myself from feeling it."
For a long time, Eren stared blankly at the blue eyes that implored him. Then the roar of need that crashed over him on hearing Armin's words took him over.
He pulled Armin toward him. "You have no idea how much hearing that sort of thing out of your mouth unhinges me."
"G-good." Armin shivered, returning Eren's hasty kiss. "That was what I was trying to do. You always—"
"I don't think I've ever wanted to make you scream louder or come harder in my life." Eren felt a little dizzy trying to process this version of Armin. "You should talk dirty and help direct me like that all the time."
Normally, Eren stubbornly wanted to get things his own way. But in this case, in this act, he prioritized Armin to the best of his abilities. So he found it arousing to hear Armin make a request or give a suggestion. He felt glad Armin told him honestly what he wanted — for after all, as good as Eren was by now at sex, he wasn't a mind reader... and something like this took two. If they worked together and Armin kept communicating as bluntly and bravely as he just had, it meant Eren could pleasure Armin even better. "It's an even bigger turn on when you say things like that," he added.
"Oh? Good," Armin said, chuckling. But then his expression dropped into something extraordinarily serious. Eren panicked until Armin said, "Then I'll keep on doing it. Pin me to this bed and fuck me, Eren."
Eren's lips parted at the crass command... but he practically wished to salute. The look on his face must have been comical — probably hovering somewhere between helplessly aroused, confused, and pained from ignoring his erection so long — for Armin chuckled again before smoothing his face again into control.
Eren exhaled. Stood rapidly. Armin's confidence... It was a beautiful thing. When had Eren last seen Armin exhibit this much confidence in anything outside the battlefield? And even on the battlefield... the last time Armin had seemed sure of himself, it had only been because he'd resolved to die. Finally, finally perhaps Eren's feelings got through to Armin and made him believe in himself. Enough that he could order Eren around in the bedroom? Unexpected, perhaps — but Eren wasn't going to fight it.
He wasn't going to mess this up. He yanked off his pants, fumbling only thanks to his shaking of anticipation.
Armin watched in brief-but-deliberate glances, and slowly continued talking. "But I don't know about letting you make me scream, Eren... It's true we're on the edge of our campsite, but we should probably keep the screaming to a min—"
"Yes." Eren's voice shook as he crawled back onto to the bed. It felt hard just to maintain the air in his lungs. "Yes, whatever you want. I'll do it like you want, Armin. But turn around first. Let me touch you at least a little." How was Armin so teasing, so incredible? How did he manage to make Eren feel like the desperate and rushed one, when a moment ago, he'd been the person aching for Eren to stop blowing him and fuck him instead? Always, Armin was so impressive. So worth Eren's admiration.
Eren pressed them together once he'd discarded his clothes, Armin's back to his chest, with both of them up on their knees. Eren's erection slid against Armin from behind, and Armin let out a content hum. With one hand, Eren slipped Armin's hair away from the nape of his neck. He intended to plant a kiss there before he bent Armin over on all fours and got to business.
Instead, Eren caught sight of the mark at the nape of Armin's neck. He hesitated.
Last time they had done this, something... unfortunate had happened. Eren had gotten lost in a memory again. But it hadn't been about sex. It had been about killing titans. And it had turned their intimacy session very difficult and awkward. Armin had seemed to move past it quickly enough, not bringing it up again... and it had only happened once between them, that was true. But Eren didn't want them to end up like that another time.
While thrusting into Armin from behind, he'd gotten lost in a memory about titans devouring each other. About desperation and struggling and biting, about digging his teeth in to a titan's nape tear someone out. Eren had finally snapped out of the thoughts and visions upon hearing Armin's shout.
In the after-moments, he'd glanced at Armin and slowly pieced together what had occurred. Armin shook, bent over, his head in his hands... and livid teeth marks from bites Eren had made across his shoulders and at the crook of his neck marked him. But the greatest one — the one Eren looked at again now, still un-faded — had bloomed across the nape of Armin's neck. Eren had yanked Armin up by the hair and bitten him in the midst of making love, thanks to seeing things that weren't there.
When Eren had reached out after realizing it, trembling, to touch the mark gently in fear and wonder, Armin had panicked and struggled — until Eren had folded him into his arms and squeezed him just to keep him still. But even then, Armin hadn't seemed okay.
"B-Bertholdt," Armin had finally said, a few minutes later when he'd finally calmed down. He'd apparently been lost in memories himself. "When you bit my nape, I remembered, I felt... I felt everything he did, from when you ripped him out of his titan without his arms and legs..."
"I'm sorry," Eren had said, feeling utterly helpless. And the mood had been killed.
"Me too. It's all right, Eren... We're titans. It's only natural something like this..."
But they hadn't continued that night, after that. The incident had made Eren understand the downsides to his having sex with other people's memories and titan powers swirling in him.
And now here they were, about to risk something awkward like that again. He opened his mouth to say something about it.
"Don't hold back, Eren. I want to feel it." It felt like Armin was reading his mind.
Armin was all right with risking it? "Are you sure? What if—"
"I want it." The words came with a strain, a whine that told Eren Armin had nearly come to the end of his rope. That if Eren waited any more, Armin would fray into pieces. Eren would much rather give Armin what he wanted.
He bent Armin over. "Okay. Fingers first, or no?"
Armin stammered. "Y-you still have to work me up to it! I mean, you can't just... Yes, use your fingers first, or else I— a-ahh, yes. Just like that... Eren..."
Eren didn't like leaving Armin too much time to talk. If Armin could talk, that meant he did too much work by thinking — and Eren's goal was still to relieve Armin and pleasure him. Slaking his own lust came second.
Armin loosened up thrust by thrust, until Eren could curl his fingers easily and make Armin's breathing hitch. When the time was right, he removed his fingers and slipped himself inside Armin. He felt everything he'd come to love about their union like this. Heat, pounding pulse, overwhelming closeness. The feel and scent of Armin all around.
"It's so good," Eren breathed, hearing his voice crack.
"Yes." Armin tilted his hips so Eren could thrust deeper into him. "But it would be better if you stopped treating me so delicately."
"I thought you liked that I was gentle with you."
"I do!" Armin stuttered. "I-I do. But right now, I want you to let loose. I want you to completely pleasure yourself above all; wreck me if you have to, I just need to feel—"
"I don't know why you want that," Eren managed to exhale, closing his fingers more tightly over Armin's hips, "but if you keep talking like that, I'm going to oblige you." He hoped he wouldn't regret it later, when Armin's dirty way of begging stopped distracting him like this and made him face repercussions.
"Do it. Do what you want with me — okay?"
"Shit." Eren couldn't have held back now if he had tried.
Some part of him registered that this was perhaps more of Armin's looking down on himself, feeling again like he needed more proof that Eren did desire him. Well, if that was the case, if Armin wanted his proof delivered like this... then Eren would show Armin just how wild he'd turned thanks to their relationship, just how much he wanted this.
Eren let himself go, catering to his instinct. It was something brutally human, but also something pure titan. A carnal, base desire harbored inside — built of pure, violent urge to take, to fight for what he wanted to possess, always to fight, for the sake of his simplest of pleasures. Fight to live... all Eren had ever been able to do without any question was fight. He fought now to take Armin for his own in a way that would finally show Armin at last how desperately he was needed. Eren fought to mark Armin forever as his.
It occurred to Eren that he felt so riled he might simply kill Armin in the process of their love-making, such was the force of Eren's deepest feelings and his subsequent brutality — but if Armin thought the same thing, he didn't tell Eren to stop.
So Eren grew rough. Bruising grip, hard thrusts, and bared teeth throughout. Bites that finally pierced skin. But Armin didn't halt when Eren bit close to his neck again... nor did Armin transform into a titan accidentally or otherwise when he bit his wrist to stifle a cry and drew blood, thank heaven. The longer they went, the more it seemed Armin wanted this, just in this way, brutal and in human form.
Eren flipped them over so they faced each other. Armin's legs closed around his hips, his arms around Eren's neck. Pleasure and pain rolled into one, and soon enough Armin grew just as violent as Eren back — so caught up in their battle to consume each other with the force of their emotions and desires that he opened up long gouges down Eren's back.
But Eren didn't transform either. His goal right now was to take Armin harder, and he wanted to do it with his own human power. Harder... while ignoring the injuries they opened up on each other. Armin was panting, now, tears on his lashes, and Eren couldn't have stopped if he'd wanted to. Armin's lips glistened and bloomed red, swollen after Eren kissed him and bit down. Armin canted his hips to Eren's thrusts even though all the friction burned, raw. Armin clutched Eren closer, and dug nails deeper into Eren's skin, and cried out screaming his pleasure every time Eren caused him to feel something... and Eren liked it. Eren balanced on just one arm and slipped his hand down to fist Armin's cock, and shit, he squeezed much too hard when he stroked, but still Armin writhed... and then Eren remembered Armin wanted him to come first.
It was only a white hot flash of an instant before Eren did — from deep within. With his fingers still buried in Armin's hips where he had already bruised the skin blue, he shuddered, groaning in animalistic satisfaction, before pulling out and watching his come pour out to increase the mess on the bed. "Fuck," he uttered, out of breath.
"Eren," Armin said, chest heaving, his arm tossed up over his face so that Eren couldn't make out his expression at all. Armin's voice sounded a little crazed, a little awed, and hoarse. He hadn't come yet. "Eren," he said, "Do it again."
"You're kidding, Armin, right?" Eren's head spun.
"Breathe if you have to and wait a moment, but do it again. We can, right? We're titans."
The long scratches down Eren's back emitted steam that rose to fill the tent. Armin had a point, and yet... "Was once like that not enough to make you...?"
"It isn't you. I'm the one holding back now, because I want it to last."
"What's with you tonight?"
Armin hesitated a long moment, while Eren contemplated getting dressed and demanding that Armin rest. "If the whole world is really hopeless like you think, and reaching the sea means nothing," Armin said, "then I want to make sure we make the best of this, right here, instead. You and the sea... those are the things I care most about. So I want at least one of them to remain a positive thing."
Eren felt bad immediately. "I didn't mean to sound so awful or foreboding at the shore. I should have just let you be happy we reached the sea." He should have kept his dumb mouth shut.
"It's all right, Eren. Just do it again."
That voice. Those eyes. The way Armin sprawled himself out, still hard, leaking pre-come... Eren wet his lips, taking him in. A telltale twitch came between his legs.
They did it all over again. Eren couldn't have helped it, urged on in such a way.
Afterward, Eren said, "The steam in here is a dead giveaway that I just pounded you twice into the sand." He couldn't recall them ever being quite this careless — not that he'd ever really wanted to hide their relationship.
"Nonsense. Who can tell the steam from fire smoke?"
"But we haven't lit a fire in here."
Their tent flap suddenly parted; it snapped against the inside tent wall as somebody flung it aside. There in the entry stood Captain Levi.
Eren stopped thinking of sex and steam and Armin immediately.
Levi asked, "Are you quite finished?"
Eren swallowed. "With... what?" he asked innocently.
Levi made a face like he had lost a bet and been made to eat feces washed down with piss. "Just shut up," he exclaimed. "The whole god damn squad knows what you're up to by now. Go the hell to bed — and tomorrow I'm going to slice off both of your cocks. There are rules about this sort of thing among soldiers, you idiots..." To Eren's mortification and astonishment, the captain trudged off after that. And he left the tent flap wide open.
Eren and Armin paused for a moment. Then, at the same time, they both scrambled madly to escape Eren's bed and yank their clothes back on to prepare for sleep.
A laugh startled Eren again, and he turned to find Hange framed in the door next. He scrabbled to make sure enough nearby blanket kept himself and Armin decent... while all she did was flash them a thumbs up, and then shut the tent flap for them.
Then, from outside the tent, she said, "We came to let you two know you were getting a break from watch duty tonight. Glad to see you're using it for—" Hange broke so she could snigger "—recreational activities. Oh my goodness, the face on Levi. I need that emblazoned onto a mug, or woven into a tapestry..."
Once Hange's footsteps retreated, Eren and Armin stilled again.
Then Armin said, very calmly, "This one is my fault. I'm sorry."
"I don't regret it," Eren said. Then, "I'm not tired at all. Do you want to go for a walk down the shore?"
[PRESENT]
Levi stood alone on the shore, after having sent Armin back. He looked up again at the stars and sighed.
"Erwin. He had the balls to ask me if I was equipped for love advice."
Again, he received no reply.
"What am I supposed to know about anything, compared to them?"
All Levi and Erwin had ever done was their duty. And look where that had gotten them.
Would it have killed him or Erwin to have been a little more creative? Probably it would have been no more deadly to them than the Beast Titan's attack that had finished Erwin. But creativity — the kind Armin and Eren practiced that relied sometimes on boldness or disobedience — had been foreign to Levi and Erwin.
Probably because they'd never had the same hope that Eren and Armin had. Probably because, for too damn long, all the Scout regiment had tasted was defeat. Maybe Levi and Erwin had gotten too complacent with that.
Was that the difference, in the end? That they'd lacked Eren's wild determination to fight and to win despite their myriad skill sets? That they thought too narrowly when it came to finding out the truths of their world and the titans, unlike Armin did?
"What do you think — could we have managed like them?"
Erwin had had a clear dream. He had wanted to know what his father had known. But after finding that out, he didn't have a plan for what he'd do or where he'd go. Armin... and Armin's dreams had always extended beyond Erwin's. Inconceivable dreams. The sea. An entire world beyond it, where humanity could explore and be free.
And now, look. They had all found it.
"I don't think we could have managed. We never even confessed to each other, did we?"
The feelings that Eren and Armin now shared... Even those had been inaccessible to Levi and Erwin — because although they had existed, they'd been ignored.
Levi supposed he couldn't prove, in the end, that there'd been anything special between himself and Erwin. Levi had always cared; Erwin was the Scout Regiment's most important man, and thus the most important to him. But what about from Erwin's side? Had Levi imagined all the subtlety he'd believed was there in close interactions between them?
It was definitely hard to tell in retrospect. All they had ever shared was glances. Glances that conveyed who-knew-what. Really, without words, too much was left up for interpretation. But Erwin had never said anything unless he'd first thought about it long and hard, and Levi didn't speak in front of Erwin unless he felt he had a damn good reason to. And with Erwin around being so capable, there was hardly any reason to raise his voice. Erwin didn't inspire protest, nor did he much need to be told anything. So never had they really talked about any potential feelings.
The only times Levi had ever opened up and truly spoken to the man on a deep, personal level were in matters where Erwin's wellbeing were involved. The man had possessed an uncanny way of ignoring his own safety and worth in favor of whatever current plan he'd had.
So everything between them had stayed in between lines, communicated in only glances. In the skeptical looks Levi shot Erwin that said, 'You're being too patient with the current idiot we're dealing with.' In Erwin's suddenly bright flick of eyes toward Levi that seemed to tease and say, 'You only think so because your temper is short, like you.' While there might never have been times they'd dared to exchange a glance that had said, 'I love you,' there'd been flashes of concern each time they parted that said to the other, 'Don't die.' And in Levi's opinion, that was almost the same thing.
"Did we miss our chance, Erwin?" His mouth curled up, a sour taste rising in it. Frustration. Bitterness. The taste of loss. "I guess we'll never find out now… will we."
Levi heard crunching behind him.
Immediately, he clammed up. How long had he been talking, anyway? Pretty damn stupid of him, when somebody might overhear after all.
He recognized the footsteps after another half-moment. Only then did his shoulders slightly relax.
He knew now he didn't have to bother, either, to turn around.
After another moment passed and a scuffing noise happened behind him, Hange appeared at his side. Levi didn't say a word to her.
She also didn't speak to him. She just looked at the sea for a moment, then sat.
For a long minute or two, they sat in silence, listening to the sibilant hiss of the waves. Then, Hange couldn't seem any longer to hold her natural personality back.
"Aaah!" she said, kicking her legs out and tossing her arms to the stars. "Can you believe this night? This sea in front of us? To think — all this time it was here!"
Levi didn't say anything. Normally, his lips might have quirked up. But he'd been amused enough earlier today, watching Hange shriek at and prod at things she'd pulled out of the monstrous depths... while he wondered what other creatures or horrors might be hidden under deeper water out there.
Just how deep could an ocean get, if it went on for near ever? As deep, perhaps, as Levi knew too late now that his feelings for Erwin ran?
"Did you know," Hange exclaimed, "there's a natural event here called a 'tide?' Supposedly the water's movement is effected by the moon. The moon! Imagine that, would you, Levi! The water coming up the shore slowly, then receding back again doesn't have to do with the amount of it changing; it all has to do with the moon being out. This sea, the whole sea can move thanks to it — probably its light, just like certain titans! The sea is like a great titan!" Hange laughed a bit crazily, pulling at her hair just above her new eyepatch. "That Armin, and the things he claims his grandfather said or read inside some book... If he's full of shit, then I swear I'll feed him to these waves when I find out. The moon! Tide! Can you believe it?"
Levi considered rolling his eyes. Then he just stared at the sea more and said, "So this body of water is an aberrant, compared to the rest of the water we know."
Hange laughed again, delightedly this time. "Aberrant. An aberrant, yes! Tomorrow, you know... I'm going to swim in it."
"It's way too cold," he said. "You'll die. Or something in there will eat you."
"Then I'll risk getting eaten," Hange cried, "for science. I've got to know! The sea — it is so much like a titan! What else, what else do you think we could learn about it while we're out here? Dear sweet god!"
Levi's lips finally curled in a grin. But the humor he found in Hange's attitude didn't fill the emptiness inside of him. He pulled his legs closer to his body and wrapped his arms around his knees. Then he rested his chin on them.
Hange glanced at him from the corner of her single good eye. Another silent moment passed, and afterward, her excitement appeared to be curbed. Her voice dropped low and steady as she said, "You know, speaking of aberrants..."
Levi grunted when she didn't go on. She looked entirely too thoughtful in that moment. Christ, she would hurt her titan-obsessed brain if she went on straining her thoughts like that.
"Speaking of aberrants," she said at last, "do you remember when you called me one?"
"Before we went outside Wall Maria," he said, "immediately before Shiganshina fell to the Colossal Titan... and we weren't there to help the Garrison protect it."
Hange chuckled. "Yes, and what a hypocrite you were for it! The truth is, you're a bit of an aberrant yourself, Levi. Letting your regrets get to you right now."
Levi considered her accusation silently, then shot back through gritted teeth. "What do you want me to be," he asked. "Heartless, like you?"
Hange laughed openly. "Hah! But isn't that the better way?"
Levi clutched his knees harder. "Not if it's just a lie, Hange."
That turned Hange silent again. But then, she finally murmured. "I've sinned a lot in this life. We all have, so we could survive. But that just can't be helped, can it? Human beings want to survive. And it's important that we do! For all humanity's sake and the peace and freedom we might one day gain back, right? So it's better to lock away any regrets or doubts. I try to stick to just questions, the ones that will bring me closer to my goals. Because the truth is, Levi... if I did anything else, then I don't think I could survive after all."
"Down on yourself a bit, too, then, are you?"
Hange's brow furrowed slightly. "Yes. After all, you could say it was my fault Pastor Nick had a hard end of his life. And then Sannes, too."
"Right," Levi agreed, interrupting the list she'd begun. "The interrogation we gave him was definitely what ultimately destroyed him, inside and outside. He didn't deserve any of it. And those cockroaches under the table you had to kill, Hange. My, you're just so barbaric." He made sure his voice stayed deadpan so she would note the sarcasm.
Did she really believe she was at fault for the outcomes of Nick and Sannes? He'd seen her take out her pain and frustration with the situation on that furniture; if Hange thought he couldn't tell that she was the person most destroyed after those events, then she thought he was plain stupid.
She simply kept on with her list. "I've strained Eren beyond what he can take in my experiments. I strained and hurt Sawney and Bean, then let the enemy kill them! Sawney and Bean were once humans; we know that now — so how I stabbed and toyed with them is more blood on my hands. Oh, Sawney! Oh, Bean! But what was I supposed to do?"
Levi finally rolled his eyes.
"The point is, there was nothing else I could have done if I wanted to gain knowledge. It's the same," Hange went on, "for when I let Reiner get snatched away, despite finally having had him in our clutches. I'd decided I wanted to turn someone into a titan and make them eat him to gain us more information. That was the right thing, in a way. I could have killed him right away like I was angry enough to, and eliminated our having to face him again someday, but instead I was trying to be reasonable to gain us more of an advantage versus making a mistake based on emotion. Emotion is rash, you see. So then, when Armin and Erwin were dying... I convinced Mikasa not to fight against your decision to leave Armin for dead in favor of Erwin. Horrible sins left and right that have nevertheless made a boatload of sense! So you're right... I'm very heartless. I'm cold, ruthless, and logical instead. And you could say that because of it, I've made all the textbook correct decisions."
Levi listened, his jaw clenching. Where was she going with all this? Was this her style of pep talk?
"But even so... I've been wrong, haven't I. Because look at where we are! Where has our logical thinking gotten us? All the titans within Wall Maria are gone because Armin thinks outside the box, and because Eren got stronger — and maybe because it was you giving him handkerchiefs and helping him stand after all his nosebleeds. There's a sea here that's beautiful. And we might not have found it if you hadn't chosen to use that injection to revive Armin instead of Erwin. We aren't here because of my logical thinking." Hange sighed low out her nose. "I don't know if your decision to save Armin instead ultimately came because you chose to rely on pure emotion or not. But I do know that 'heart' is a good reason why we've come this far. Maybe your heart, too. But for right now, what I'm saying is..."
Hange glanced at him yet again. The starlight glinted off her eyeglasses.
"For right now, at least, I think it's time you became a bit more heartless, Levi. Throw away your sad feelings and your regrets about what you think you've done wrong, or what you know you've lost. Erwin wouldn't want you to wallow in them. Those things won't help us beat the enemies across this big ocean."
Levi didn't say anything.
"Or... if I'm still wrong, because I'm the one truly heartless and have a habit of being wrong, now, and if your feelings will somehow still help us out there... then at least take this simple advice from a friend: Stop beating yourself up and feeling down, at least for a little while. Choose a happier emotion. Otherwise you'll cry yourself into the ground."
Levi said, "I wasn't crying."
"Ah," Hange said jovially, nudging him with her elbow. "Maybe that's your problem, then! Before you can turn your heart off for a break so you can pick yourself back up, maybe you've got to cry some of the extra, built-up feelings out." She winked.
What a stupid idea that was.
The waves crashed and hissed on the shore. The stars twinkled. So, so many stars.
Levi's nose wrinkled. Then his eyes stung.
The next thing he knew, rapid, hot tears leaked out of his eyes.
"Aha, I knew it! There, there. Hush, hush." Hange wrapped her arm around him, then patted sympathetically.
Levi — still shocked to find himself actually crying — failed to shrug her gesture off the way he should have.
"Poor, poor baby," Hange cried. "Yes, that's it — go ahead and let it out!" Now she rubbed his back. "Shhh, shhh..."
It wasn't very comforting at all. In fact, Hange like this was a little creepy.
But now that Levi had started crying, he found he couldn't command the tears to stop.
He wasn't sure how long he cried — silent and stoic and occasionally trying to bat Hange off. But the more he allowed himself to let the tears fall, thinking about missing Erwin, the more and more emotions it dredged up — all of which seemed to bring more tears.
By the time it seemed he had no tears left to cry, he found himself leaning on Hange. And somewhere in the back of his mind, hating himself for it. But also feeling somewhat calm.
Hange's hand had closed over his head, her fingers tucked into his hair. She held him protectively against herself, silent and unimposing now, and yet present.
Levi sniffed and pulled away after another few moments, as clouds began to cover up the stars.
Like the stars were telling Levi, Forget us, now… or at least try to move on.
"Wow, all set already, after such a short time bawling?" Hange asked. "I had expected to be here until sunrise. You're awfully strong in the end, huh, Levi? Is that your Ackerman blood, too? May all our enemies cower!"
"Hange... shut up."
"Right, right. But you know, that wasn't just sarcasm. You are really strong."
So was she. Not that Levi would ever say it.
He stood and patted off his knees. Casually, he held out a hand toward her.
Hange stood up without his aid. "Thank you, I understand the feeling of owing me now, because I let you snot boogers in my presence, but I assure you, I can manage completely—" She tripped on a rock in the dark and staggered sideways, yelping. When she recovered, she whispered. "Ah, right. Eyepatch. Sand. Darkness. Hard to see and walk. I'll get the hang of it next time."
Levi followed her back to camp. "Did you see the brats went to sleep?"
"Oh, at their rate, they might have had another round…."
"I'll kill them both. And you, Hange."
She only laughed. The tents began to take shape in the dark after a long time of silent walking and the ground crunching.
He entered the camp and looked one more time at the cloudy sky. One distant star winked out at him.
"I won't tell anyone you sobbed like a baby and it actually helped. Good night, Levi," Hange said, waving carelessly as she sauntered off to bed.
Levi sighed and rubbed his face. Then he stood in the camp unmoving a long time.
He couldn't hear Eren and Armin going at it like animals from where he stood straining his ears, at least. He contemplated going to check on them anyway, to see whether one of them had been gagged this time. Yelling at them. Cutting off dicks.
Then he checked himself and stayed where he stood.
He and Erwin had taken too much for granted — ironic considering how deeply they'd understood they could die at any moment. They had never come clean to each other to talk about the fondness felt between them, the affinity shared. But just because that had been the case… didn't mean Levi should enforce it as the norm between the newer, younger Scouts.
If anything, Levi should be working to prevent the tragedy between himself and Erwin from tainting anyone else.
So... he should let Armin and Eren do what they wanted, in the hopes they would succeed where he and Erwin had miserably failed. He would simply have to protect both brats, now, no matter how he felt about it.
That much would probably make Erwin feel better, too.
"Good night," Levi said to the last twinkling star, swiping back his hair from his forehead.
And just because he thought it might be better too late than never….
Before taking off for his tent, he whispered, "I love you."