The Pint-Sized Pervert! They Call Him...Happosai

[by the time I upload this, I've turned 20 years old. Happy Birthday to me!]

It had been a few days since the beach trip, and Kenma was indoors, watching 'Dragon Ball'. It had been at least two years since he'd gotten into it, plus it helped him escape from the insanity of his day-to-day life.

He heard the faint giggle of Shampoo, since their beach trip the violet haired amazon had managed to bond with Ryoga. causing them to form a healthier relationship as a couple. As sweet as it was, Kenma found himself jealous of how easily Ryoga was able to find love.

He couldn't help but wish for that sort of success with Akane; as far as he knew, Akane was fine with just remaining friends. But at this rate, he didn't know if they would EVER go past that.

If he would ever know if she wanted him the same way, if she secretly harboured feelings for his brother Ranma. If he was to end up alone and he'd never know the true feeling of love with a girl. Such a dreadful thought made him feel terrible...not to mention, it kept him from thinking about training. What would the point of all that training be if he had nobody to protect, anyways?

His father had always pressed into him that he was the second heir to the Saotome school, meaning his kids would take over after him.

If Ryoga had Shampoo and Ranma had Ukyo...then what did he have?

"I don't understand what the point is," Kenma groused out loud. "Akane is the only one who's REALLY caught my interest, motivated me to turn myself around. Without her, I don't have much reason to keep going, anyways. I don't enjoy fighting like Ranma does, I only do it when I don't have a choice."

"Marriage of convinience is an option; I mean, I'm the same age as you and maybe if you like them older, Kasumi would be a good choice." Nabiki cut in. She knew he liked Akane but Kenma, like the oblivious moron he was, kept dancing around the idea. Maybe she could push him in the right direction. Kuno was more her type but she enjoyed teasing Kenma. Hell, she had nothing better to do and maybe they could be sex friends.

All of that pervy knowledge had to be put to some good use.

"I dunno, really..." Kenma shrugged. "I mean, I admit that I considered going for you when Ranma and I first came here; but if I ever DO get married, I want to do it out of love. I know that probably sounds naïve, or stupid, or childish to you, but it's how I feel."

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Boo, what a buzzkill. But stop dancing around Akane and make a move, if you don't she's just going to end up dating someone else. Why would she want a pervert like you as a husband?"

Kenma had shown he could reform but even Shampoo was skeptical of him, showing he had a long way to go. Akane was popular with the boys at school too...especially Kuno-baby.

"Fine, then; I'll go ahead and do it," Kenma retorted. "If she says yes, then there's hope. If she gives me a no...well, let's hope it doesn't come to that."

He got up, and brushed himself off.

"Since when did YOU take an interest in this, anyways?" he queried. "Here I thought you only cared about money."

Nabiki smirked. "Hey, if Akane won't have you as a fiance, then I will, and I'm sure a domestic goddess like Kasumi could make you a happy wife indeed. We're the same age, and Kasumi is only 3 years older than you," she grinned. He was spoiled for choice, besides she needed entertainment around here.

Kenma nodded in response as he left the room, looking for Akane.

Akane sat in her room with Ranma, he was quieter than usual and he looked like he wanted to cry "You feeling better Ranma?" she questioned. She knew Ranma tended to run his mouth but this time he wasn't in the wrong, this time she'd embarrassed Ranma with his fear of cats. Poor Ranma had been close to a panic attack before she stepped in. The poor guy was still trembling and in a bad mood.

She knew Ranma could be a jerk but using his phobia against him was cruel

"...maybe," Ranma managed to say, swallowing a lump in his throat. But a knock on the door made him nearly jump out of his skin.

"Akane?" asked Kenma from outside. "You in there?"

Ranma stiffened, he knew Kenma would overreact and get pissed if he knew he was alone in here with Akane. But he trusted her, she meant a lot to him and he needed someone familiar to talk to. Akane saw the expression on his face and softened, she didn't want to upset Kenma but she saw Ranma's defensive look. "Yeah, um... Ranma had a fight wuth Ukyo, she's been a jerk about his catphobia, if you come in you have to promise you won't say something stupid" she warned. Whatever attitude Ranma had right now, he was still heightened from his anxiety

"Alright...I promise I won't say anything stupid." Kenma replied, drawing an "X" shape over his chest.

Kenma entered the room cautiously to see his twin curled up in the corner hugging his knees to his chest. His eyes red from crying and a sulky pout on his face. Akane was sat nearby petting his head quietly on her bed. He had never seen Ranma cry before, he rarely let anyone see him so weak.

"...whoa..." Kenma said, bewildered. "I wanted to ask Akane something...but I'm not so sure if now's even a good time."

"You can chew one out with Ukyo if you want" Akane scoffed, for someone that supposedly had a crush on Ranma. She treated him like shit

"It's on the itinerary, believe me," Kenma replied. "But that's not really what I wanted to talk to you about."

He was about to tell Akane about WHY he came to talk to her, but he thought that if he brought up something like asking her out on a date at this time, she'd probably beat his head into the ground like a tent peg.

Akane shifted "OK, sure, gimme a sec; Ranma, you gonna be okay for five minutes?" she asked.

Ranma shifted and nodded, giving her a pained gaze that screamed don't be gone too long.

So Akane got up from the bed and followed Kenma outside; as Kenma looked back, he realized he had NEVER seen his brother so unabashedly vulnerable, so open with his emotions. He always thought that the old man had beaten it out of him.

But...he could deal with that in a bit. Now was the moment of truth.

"So, what did you want to ask me about?" Akane queried.

Kenma swallowed the massive lump in his throat.

"Akane...I know that this might not be the best time...but I wanted to ask if you'd go out with me," he blurted. "And by that, I mean like on an actual date!"

He shut his eyes and waited for the inevitable response.

Akane stared at him before her cheeks heated profusely; she had never thought Kenma would ask her on a date, of all things. She smiled back fondly. "Sure, I'd love to," she replied. Akane knew Shampoo thought Kenma was nothing but a hapless pervert [she'd made that perfectly clear more often than not], but then she was head over heels for Ryoga. But she wanted to believe that Kenma was more than just a common pervert; that he could change.

Kenma opened one eye in surprise. "...really? No foolin'?" he asked, astonished.

Akane smiled. "Of course!" she giggled.

"Wow!" exclaimed Kenma, his eyes lighting up like stars. "I promise, this date is going to be great, and I'm gonna make sure everything goes perfectly! Would you want to go to a movie, or get some ice cream? I wanna know what to do ahead of time, or when we're doing this. Sorry if I seem like I'm overthinking this, I just wanna prove myself to you."

Akane shrugged. "I like ice cream and movies, why not do both?" she chuckled.

Meanwhile...

Shampoo stretched out like a cat; the summer heat really took it out of some people. Sure, she was used to intense heat while living in China, but it differed in the city. But she was currently enjoying watermelon to cool off on the Tendo porch. Ryoga sat beside her gripping a slice of watermelon and happily enjoying the refreshing taste.

Shampoo rolled her eyes as she heard the clutter upstairs "So stupid pervert Kenma finally got a date" she hummed

Ryoga swallowed his bite "wow that was fast, wonder how long it will take for him to sleep with her" he hummed

Shampoo chuckled at Ryoga's joke.

"I, um...about our beach date, after Mousse harassed you. that... it was nice, so I... i was wondering if you'd maybe wanna do it again?" the fanged boy questioned.

"Of course," Shampoo smiled widely. "Shampoo would love that!"

Ryoga chuckled in amusement, blushing nervously. "So, movies seem too cliche, how about ice cream in the park and dinner?" he suggested.

"That sounds even better," Shampoo smiled, her eyes gleaming.

But before she could say anything else, there was a loud knocking at the front door. Ryoga jumped, what was it with people disturbing him lately?

Shampoo huffed; just when things were getting good... "NABIKI, STUPID JERK AT YOUR DOOR!" she yelled.

"Yeah, yeah...I'm coming." Nabiki remarked as she went to the door and opened it.

Standing in the doorway was a diminutive elderly man with some white hair on the sides of his head. "This is the Tendo School, is it not?" he asked.

Nabiki raised an eyebrow, this shriveled old prune looked like Shampoo's great-grandma but uglier. "Uh, who the fuck are you?" she asked.

"I was the one who trained Soun Tendo in the martial arts, girl!" the old man bellowed. "I am master Happosai, originator of the Anything Goes Style!"

Suddenly, there were frantic footsteps; Nabiki turned around to see Soun and Genma right behind her, on their knees.

"M-master Happosai...!" Soun grinned sheepishly. "So good to see you again..."

"Even though we didn't expect it!" Genma added.

Nabiki raised her eyebrow, both these men were cowards, but this was a new level of petty. She folded her arms suspiciously "What? do you owe this old freak a debt or something?" she asked. Something felt off here and she wanted to get to the bottom of this.

"Don't be silly!" Happosai smiled as he leapt onto Nabiki's chest. "I don't want retribution, even if your father and Genma DID try to blow me up and seal me in a cave."

Nabiki stared in shock. "What now?" she asked, turning to her father and Genma, both of whom were sweating bullets.

"Hey, Nabiki; what's with all the noise?" Akane questioned as she came into the living room.

The old pervert's eyes lit up with a mischievous gleam as he launched himself at Akane with a bright smile, his arms stretched wide as if he was ready to hug her. "AKANE~!" he grinned.

Akane shrieked as she punched the old man in the face, sending him flying into the garden pond.

"Akane...that was Happosai..." Soun managed to say.

"Happo-who?" asked Kenma as he slid down the banister. "Whatever that thing was, Akane knocked the crap outta him! Nice one!"

"He...He's... he's our sensei..." Genma muttered.

"S...Sensei? As in the person who taught you?" Akane babbled in bewilderment.

"Makes sense as to why Pops is such a loser," Ranma chuckled, appearing from behind them.

Kenma nodded silently in agreement.

"She's a feisty one..." Happosai grunted as he got out of the water. "...are you SURE she's your kid? She's hardly as spineless as you are."

"She's not the only one; although my expertise is in blackmail," Nabiki responded from the background.

"Anyways, I've come to train the heir to the School of Anything Goes!" Happosai explained as he dried himself off.

Kenma and Ranma looked at each other in unison, both of them confused. This old prune had come to train them?

"Uh...that would be us; Kenma and Ranma Saotome," Ranma responded pointing to himself and his brother.

Before they could even blink, they felt Genma behind them.

"That's right! Ranma is the one!" he declared. "The perfect heir! Unlike his brother Kenma. He's got no aptitude for fighting whatsoever!"

Kenma winced in irritation; yet again his father was comparing his lack of skill to his older brother...the golden child in Genma's eyes.

"Hold on, old man! Kenma's got plenty of fighting skills!" Ranma spoke up. "He's the strategic type, while I'm defensive!" Ranma knew that Kenma would never feel like he was improving if their dad constantly berated him.

Kenma was touched by his brother standing up for him for once. "...bro..."

"As if!" Genma scofffed. "Ranma's the only one with any drive, any aspirations to become a great fighter! While Kenma doesn't even care! All he does is draw those stupid pictures of his!"

Kenma turned and glared daggers at his so-called father. "At least I'm not a lying, conniving freeloader!" he retorted.

"Izzat so?" Happosai asked. "You there...Kenma, right? Lemme see what'cha got in your sketchbook."

"Well...okay." Kenma replied. "It's been a few months since the last time I drew something in there, but if you say so."

Kenma handed over the sketchbook; his more recent stuff consisted of fantasy, shonen and superhero style art. But his older work was more erotic and pervy. Whatever...he was a changed man now, and besides, he was a teenage boy; so what if he drew pervy stuff?

"HOOO-BABY! These are some good drawings!" Happosai grinned, leering over some of Kenma's pervy artwork. Was that Akane? Who were these other girls? He needed to add this to his collection.

Kenma blushed profusely, nobody was supposed to see those.

"Hey, old man! Give it back!" Ranma yelled; pervy drawings didn't mean shit...hell, he'd seen most of the porn mags their father had during their trip, this was harmless! But he wasn't going to let this creep mock his twin for it.

"Sure, sure, all in good time," Happosai replied. "Just lemme get a few more hours with these!"

Kenma blushed, before peering over his shoulder to see Akane blushing with a glare on her face. Great; just when he had managed to get a date with Akane, this old fart had to ruin everything!

"What with all this noise? Shampoo trying to enjoy summer!" Shampoo griped.

"Now there's a babe when I see one!" Happosai leered, before he turned and saw Shampoo. "And so bountiful, too!" he exclaimed, happily jumping towards the Amazon, aiming for her chest.

Of course, he never made it that far, since he got smacked down while Kenma gathered up his sketchbook.

"So, pervert grandpa Happosai made his appearance already!" Shampoo growled.

"You know this guy?" Ranma protested in surprise.

Shampoo scoffed. "He tried to get with my great-grandma Cologne when she was much younger; he never change!" she scoffed. Ryoga growled, glaring down at this shriveled, decrepit old freak who tried to molest Shampoo. Had he no shame?

"You? You are Cologne's great-grandchild? I thought you looked familiar..." Happosai gasped, his eyes widening.

"That right!" Shampoo remarked. "And you still same old worthless pervert, just like stupid redhead boy!"

"Oh, come off it!" Kenma fumed. "I am NOTHING like that old fart!"

Shampoo scoffed. "Not yet, you keep leering over Akane and that might change," she replied.

Ryoga winced; he wanted to protest but given Kenma's drawings these didn't vouch well for him.

"I'll show YOU!" Kenma snapped. "I'll show EVERYONE!"

"Show what? How you big pervert in training?" Shampoo retorted. "Because if that what you trying to prove, you shown us plenty!"

"They were made from an artistic standpoint!" Kenma shouted.

"All I hear is stupid redheaded boy making excuses for being pervert!" Shampoo shot back.

"Knock it off, Shampoo, we get it: Kenma draws erotica that you aren't comfy with. But lay off, you groped Ryoga plenty when you first met him." Ranma snapped.

"BURN!" Kenma cackled.

Ryoga blushed profusely, but chose to avoid the conversation due to the potential of getting hurt.

"And here I thought you'd at least try standing up for your friend," Ranma added to Ryoga. "I mean, not standing up for me, I can understand. But he's your friend, man!"

Ryoga blushed, averting his gaze to Kenma and Shampoo; he didn't want to hurt Kenma again but he didn't want to piss off Shampoo either. He held up his hands in defeat "Hey man, I'm switzerland" he mumbled, he was neutral.

"...so in other words, you're yellow." Ranma replied dryly, before making bawk-bawk-bawk gestures.

"If husband wants to be neutral, that make Shampoo happy." Shampoo defended; she felt that he was being mature and removing himself from the fight which was mature.

Ryoga huffed. "Shampoo, you aren't off the hook for bullying Kenma, but I'm not praising Kenma for his pervy art either. You can handle this between you both," he stated. This wasn't his fight.

"Somehow, I doubt that..." Kenma replied as he finished collecting his art back into his book. "Anyways, I have better stuff to do."

"I mean it, Kenma; Shampoo's my fiance, but you're my best friend. I'm not choosing, either become frenemies or find a common ground. I don't want to walk in on you killing each other," Ryoga ordered.

Akane sighed. "She's right, Kenma; Shampoo is my best friend, and you're my friend too. You need to learn to tolerate each other without fighting." she chimed in.

"Okay, Akane-hime..." relented Kenma. "I will if she will."

"So you're going to be the heir?" asked Happosai.

"Nah, that's all Ranma," Kenma stated. "Fighting isn't a way of life for me, it's just something I do in case I have no other choice."

Happosai huffed. "Very well; I will take Ranma on as my protege, though with your taste for art, I wouldn't mind sharing with you my collection," he chuckled.

"Fine...but you better not try anything funny!" Kenma remarked.

"No trust this old leech, Kenma; great-grandma say he cannot be trusted!" Shampoo warned.

"I don't intend to," Kenma nodded as he headed upstairs.

Shampoo folded her arms and huffed; she would need to call Cologne and tell her about Happosai's arrival. But she didn't want to stay in the house a second longer. "Husband, we go on date now. House is too too gross with old pervert here..." she told Ryoga.

Ryoga nodded. "Sounds great...hey, Kenma, you and Akane want to join us on a double date?" he called.

"Sure, alright," Kenma nodded. "Just gimme a couple minutes to get dressed, grab my things, and I should be good to go."

"Shampoo need shower, get stink of gross old man hands off." Shampoo muttered.

"I'm with you, sis," Akane agreed.

The both of them left, leaving Happosai in the living room.

"Hmph...some people just don't respect their elders..." he scoffed, crossing his arms.

A little while later...

"What do you guys fancy seeing?" Kenma asked curiously.

Shampoo shrugged. "Horror, maybe action, romance is ok but it too boring for Shampoo," she hummed. After all, she had dreamed of meeting a husband like Ryoga, all of the films she had seen the women acted like docile, clumsy idiots rather than strong women. Ryoga chuckled.

"I dunno, horror isn't my favorite," Akane shifted.

"You can hold onto me if you're scared." Kenma suggested.

"Thanks..." Akane smiled in response.

"There's also 'comedy' as an option." Kenma spoke up.

"How about you guys see a comedy, me and Shampoo could see a horror. Then we meet up after and go for dinner?" Ryoga suggested.

"That's a great idea!" Akane replied.

"Yeah!" Kenma chimed in. "I say we go for it!"

"Alright, film and dinner, let's do this," Ryoga chuckled. Shampoo wound her arm into Ryoga's, clutching him tightly and smiling happily, whilst Ryoga blushed but he squeezed her hand back.

Akane and Kenma walked alongside each other awkwardly, unsure if they should hold hands or not. Taking a deep breath [and taking the initiative], Kenma reached out and took Akane by the hand.

Akane stiffened, not expecting Kenma to hold her hand. Her cheeks darkening with embarrassment at the gesture, averting her gaze.

Nabiki shrugged, watching the couples depart. "Yeah, I guess so; hey sis, when are you finally gonna go on a date with Tofu? I mean he's got the hots for you, and he's your type!" she teased.

Kasumi blushed at her sister's comment. "Nabiki...!" she gasped.

"What? It's true, isn't it?" Nabiki replied.

"Well, maybe when he can work up the nerve to ask me!" Kasumi smiled.

"Girl, it's the 21st century!" Nabiki scoffed. "Go put on one of your nice dresses, color your lips and make a move. God knows he's too dorky to do it himself!"

"Alright, I'll give it a try," Kasumi shrugged as she headed off to her room.

Nabiki smiled to herself. "I guess I should give Kuno-baby a call..." she hummed. He may have been borderline insane and stupid, but at least he was rich.

Ryoga stared at the screen intently, slight shivers running up his spine as the horror played in front of them. He'd always been a sucker for ghost stories and thrillers, but he could never stop his body from reacting by jumping at every tense scene. Shampoo leaned against him in her seat, gripping his arm softly to comfort him, holding his hand. Reassuring him he was OK, giving him comforting words to amuse him.

"Why are the heroes so dumb? They make such bad choices, I want to vouch for the villain!" she would whisper, making him chuckle.

"It's meant to move the story along..." Ryoga shrugged. "People in horror flicks do dumb things because they think it'll help. And usually, it doesn't."

"No wonder villain wins; the females who escape are smart, they should have listened to them," Shampoo hummed.

"Agreed!" Ryoga nodded.

Shampoo peered at Ryoga curiously. "Are you scared, husband?" she asked; he seemed tense, and his eyes were wide.

Ryoga blushed. "I uh... yeah a little, but you're supposed to be when it comes to these," he muttered.

Shampoo smiled "Don't worry, I'll protect you." she smiled.

Ryoga smiled, while he wrapped an arm around Shampoo's shoulder.

Meanwhile, Kenma and Akane were watching the comedy film in an adjacent theatre.

Kenma hollered in amusement at the comedic scenes while his stomach ached with laughter.

Akane smiled in amusement as she enjoyed the film unfold, though she wasn't as vocal with her enjoyment.

"Man, these guys know their stuff!" Kenma managed to say, wiping mirthful tears from his eyes.

Akane chuckled, it had been a while since she had experienced such fun. As she reached into the popcorn bag, she felt something warm, smooth,. and fleshy inside. Taking a look down, her eyes nearly bugged out of her head.

Inside the bag was Happosai, a goofy grin on his face.

Akane shrieked, tossing the bag into the crowd and jumping out of her seat. The movie-goers stared at her in confusion, along with Kenma looking confused.

"Heya, baby~" Happosai waved.

"Aaaaaugh!" Akane shrieked. "You dirty little geezer!"

"This is supposed to be a date, you little goblin!" Kenma chimed in.

"It's not my fault you kids are so boring! C'mon, it's dark and cozy; make the moves on her, ya wimp!" Happosai pressed.

"I'll do it when I'm ready, you shriveled old raisin!" Kenma hissed. "Besides, if I acted too soon, it would ruin everything!"

Akane blushed; so, he had considered doing so? That made her happy. She crushed Happosai under her foot and dragged him out of the cinema, leaving Kenma alone. The redhead was left, sulking in his seat at their date being interrupted.

"Stupid little gnome...had to ruin everything!" he fumed. "He's like Muten Roshi, except not funny!"

"Pssh, even Miroku has more class than him" Akane scowled

"That says a lot," Kenma agreed as Akane sat down.

"I wonder if Shampoo and Ryoga are having fun" Akane hummed, she could imagine her friend cuddling up to Ryoga

"Knowing them? I wouldn't doubt it," Kenma replied.

Meanwhile, at that very moment...

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Ryoga screamed, he hadn't expected the film to get this gross. He clung to Shampoo anxiously, his eyes wide in panic and his face pale green.

Shampoo blushed, trying not to squeal in delight at Ryoga freaking out at a horror film. Though she was an Amazon and had faced battle before, the gore scenes were rather graphic. "You want to leave? If you aren't comfortable, we can just say it was boring and left early," she suggested.

Ryoga nodded; suddenly. he'd ditched his popcorn and decided that he'd rather stick to ghost stories and thrillers than graphic horror.

"Okay then!" Shampoo nodded as they got up and made their way out of the theater.

Happosai sat outside, smoking a pipe.

"If Ranma's a guy, then I don't need to hold back," he muttered. "But if he can turn into a girl with a little water...so much the better~!"

And he gave a little giggle as he headed back to the house.

Ranma huffed in irritation; it had started raining while she was on the way back from the shop. Forgetting an umbrella, she had found herself trapped in her cursed form. She'd hoped to take a bath only to learn the water heater was damaged and a plumber wouldn't be around until tomorrow. So she would have to wait a while before she could revert back to her guy-form.

"Hey!" Ukyo shouted. "You look a little soaked, Ran-chan!"

"The water heater broke so we have no hot water; I can't take a bath or nothin'! It sucks!" Ranko huffed.

"I might know a place," Ukyo said. "We could use the school showers."

"Or I could just chill at your place, a sleepover, like when we were kids," Ranko suggested.

"...sure," Ukyo shrugged. "Just don't try anything funny, Ran-chan~!" she added with a wink.

Ranma blushed, feeling flustered. "Shut up! I'm not like that creep Happosai or my brother!" she scoffed.

At That Very Moment...

Back in the movie theater, Kenma let off a small sneeze. Gya-chu!

"Great, somebody's talking crap about me..." he muttered, wiping his nose.

END.