Hello my lovely readers! I have returned with another chapter! This is a big one so I hope y'all enjoy :)
***TW: Mention of difficult pregnancy, death after childbirth***
Eirson could tell Atali was fighting tears with all of her might. But then again, so was he.
She let out a shaky breath. "Eira was…" She chuckled. "I wish you could have met her. She's… You're so much like her… You have her heart, her instinct to protect." A few tears escaped her eyes. She quickly scrubbed them away and sniffed. "I'm sorry, it's been years since I've talked about her."
Eirson was instantly conflicted. Her wish that Erison had met his own mother stung deep, so much so that he flinched when she said it. She couldn't know how much he shared that wish. And it filled him with a raging jealousy that he did not like. It wasn't like him. It was like the anger he felt earlier in the day at the hostile Berkian. It didn't belong in his body or his mind, he knew it didn't belong there. But it was there anyway, the rage and the jealousy. And he felt like he couldn't do anything about it, he felt like he was helpless to the fact that it now consumed him no matter how much he tried to ignore it.
And yet a small part of him, the "old him" as he's heard Zephyr refer to it he supposed, couldn't ignore that Atali crying wasn't normal either. She didn't cry. She was a hardened warrior and chief. But she had experienced something that was difficult to deal with just like he did, and now she was being forced to talk about it. He could empathize with that. And that small, old part of him wanted to tell her that it was okay, she didn't have to tell him anything, she didn't have to relive those painful memories. Just like he always told his father.
But now his father was gone. He had repeated those words over and over for so long, and now he would never be able to repeat them again. Now he would never even have the chance to change his mind and beg his father to go on, relive the memories, tell Eirson everything.
He couldn't make that mistake again. Not when, as far as he knew, Atali was the only one left that could tell him the only part of his own history that he didn't know because his father never had the fucking strength to tell him-
Eirson choked. He took a deep breath. That wasn't him. That anger wasn't him.
What was wrong with him?
Astrid reached for Atali's hand. "She must have meant a lot to you," she encouraged with a soft smile.
Atali nodded. She returned Astrid's smile for a moment and whispered, "I'm alright," but didn't let go of Astrid's hand. She met Eirson's eyes. "We're not here for me. We're here for you. I know that."
Eirson didn't know what to do, didn't know how to feel. He was too overwhelmed. He hadn't felt this many emotions at once in his life. Not even as he watched his own father slain before his eyes. He almost felt guilty for it, but he didn't have the time nor the mental capacity to think through that right now. It took all his strength just to push down the anger and jealousy enough to actually listen to Atali's words as she truly began her story.
"Eira and I were very close for as long as I can remember, despite her being 12 years older than me. We were born in the same small village, the same family. She was a cousin of mine, the daughter of my father's sister. I suppose that makes you and I family as well. I hadn't thought about it much until today, our tribe was so small that everyone was related to each other in one way or another." Atali's face twisted in pain. "I suppose that makes it even worse that I never said anything about this to you."
Eirson could feel the rage creeping up his chest again, he could feel the fire licking at his neck, rising to his cheeks. He begged it to burn out, just for now, just so that he could remember the things Atali said about his mother.
Atali shook her head and pushed on. "Our village was... Struggling, to say the least. Not many children lived past the first year. Eira and I were some of the lucky few. I believe there were only six other children born within the five years before or after I was born. Three of them died. I'm not sure what happened to the other two. It didn't matter much, either way.
"When I was four years old and Eira was sixteen, our village had an unusually hard year. Many of our livestock grew ill and were unfit to consume, but the harvest was decent enough that we believed we would be alright. Until the flood.
"We believed the gods were angry with us, but we didn't know why. The ground shook violently beneath us and toppled some of our homes, heavily damaging others. We began to rebuild as best as we could, but then a great wave approached faster than we could prepare for it. It swallowed our docks and boats as if they were nothing and rushed onto the land. The homes that were still standing were practically sunken. The fields became pools of mud and uprooted crops. Most of the village was swept away in the swell, sinking beneath the water and never resurfacing, sucked out to sea between waves.
"Eira and I were out in the woods when it happened. After the earthquake stopped, my mother asked her to take me out of the village. The shaking had frightened me, and she thought that being away from the destruction would help. That's what Eira told me, at least. She wouldn't have lied to me.
"She was teaching me to climb trees, showing me different traps her father had taught her to set. We had ventured deep into the island, not necessarily on purpose. But that was when the waves came. It was so strange, watching the water fill in the forest beneath us... Eira must have heard it, she rushed me up into a tree just before it swept beneath us. We were deep enough towards the middle of the island that it wasn't strong enough to uproot the trees around us, but we heard trees crashing into water in the direction of the village.
"The water began to recede and we tried to make our way back to the village, but more swells followed. We stayed inland, keeping away from the water. I wanted to go back, to find my mother and my father." Atali bit her lip, tears flowing with more frequency now. "Eira wouldn't let me. She told me that we should find a good place to hide, where we would be safe, and that our parents would come find us when it was safe to return. But they never did.
"She made a good camp for us in the middle of the island up a cliffside. She kept me safe and fed, though I couldn't tell you how. I stuck close to her, she only left me when she had to hunt. She would teach me things to keep me distracted. I had awful nightmares at night; she would hold me, tell me it was alright and that we were safe. She kept me alive. After a while, when it seemed like the water would never fully release our island, we had to accept that we were the only survivors. We were running out of resources, so she built a boat and we began floating off. Now that I think about it, I don't think she had a plan or knew where we were floating off to. She just knew that we didn't have any more options on that island. We packed as much food and fresh water as we could and just... Floated off into the sea. We didn't even have a sail, just some paddles that she built.
"We floated for some time. I couldn't tell you how long. Long enough that we were running low on food and water despite rationing it very carefully. We were hungry and tired and windburnt and sunburnt, Eira worse than I because she cared for me before herself. But eventually, we were rescued. Some Wingmaidens were flying over, patrolling, so we must not have been too far off from the island. They picked us up and flew us back to the tribe, nursed us to health, fed us, sheltered us. The chieftess at the time, Reidun, came and spoke to Eira. She wanted to know our story, why we were out on the water seemingly stranded. So Eira told her.
"A few days later, she came to speak with Eira again. She wanted Eira to train to be a Wingmaiden. She explained how they often recruited orphaned girls, especially older ones who had survived on their own and proven their strength. It gave them a place to go, a tribe to belong to, and it gave the tribe more women to carry out the sacred mission. After listening to Reidun explain what would be expected of her for a while, she agreed on the condition that I could stay with her. They didn't agree right away, I'm not sure why. But Eira assured them that I would be her responsibility and she would raise me to be a Wingmaiden as well. I don't think it was particularly difficult for them to say yes, and even if it was, they seemed to take me in very quickly. Yes, Eira primarily raised me, but the tribe raised me as a whole as well."
Eira primarily raised me. The words rang through Eirson's head, the jealousy bubbled up again. He tried to focus no matter how much he didn't want to hear what happened next. He just wanted her to skip to his parents meeting, to tell their story. He didn't want to hear about his mother raising some other girl that wasn't hers when she couldn't even raise her own blood son.
Atali stared at the floor, lost in thought. "She was a great protector. She was like a mother to me after I lost my own. She would have been an amazing mother to you, I know it. I only wish she had had the chance."
Eirson worked so hard to keep his emotions in check that he felt nauseous. His fists clenched to the point that he wondered if his nails were drawing blood in his palms.
Thankfully, Atali moved on. "Reidun made sure we were cared for and trained well. She began my training as soon as Eira would let her. They let me interact with the baby Razorwhips from the beginning, so I was eager for my chance to train my own. I was fifteen. Eira was so proud. And I proudly held that role until I was 23. Reidun fell ill and needed someone to take over. She chose me, though I was worried the older women would be angry. But they agreed with her reasoning, that being raised in the tribe from my youngest years I knew little else outside of being a Wingmaiden, and they were all so happy to have watched me grow into such a role. I met Hiccup and the Dragon Riders a few years later, I believe when I was 26. It was after the fall of Krogan, Johann, and the Dragon Hunters that we met Alvin. I was 27. Eira was 43."
Eirson's eyes locked onto the floor. His vision narrowed, but he was listening intently to Atali. A silence, a heaviness fell on the room. Atali must have sensed it too; she took a deep breath.
"Alvin, after mending ties with Berk, wanted to do the same with Berk's other allies. He wanted to build a better network for his tribe. It was the moment everyone saw that he not only turned around but wouldn't go back to his old ways either. I believe he met with Dagur first, and then Mala. He came to Wingmaiden Island last, but didn't know anything about our island or culture. They anchored on the northern side of the island and walked straight through the breeding grounds where the mothers lived. Of course, our Wingmaidens intervened immediately, and Eira happened to be the one that grabbed Alvin. They flew the men - his fleet was entirely men - to some nearby sea stacks. Eira tended to his injuries while severely scolding the man for his ignorance. He attempted to interrupt her once, and she all but threw him off the sea stack for it. He didn't attempt again. I've never seen anyone put him in his place like Eira could."
Eirson's eyes stung with tears. His heart ached.
"We eventually moved them to a nearby island where they could set up camp. We corresponded with them for a few weeks; Eira, Minden, Nadia, and I would fly over to the island each day to discuss politics and draft a treaty and whatnot. Eira was quite vocal in these meetings, challenging Alvin on everything he said. I would have intervened, but he wasn't angered by it. In fact, he almost seemed to enjoy their banter. So I let it go. I had offered some night sentries for them in the final nights so they could properly prepare for the journey home, as it was a long trip crossing the entire Archipelago. Eira volunteered. I found later that she managed some private conversations with Alvin. I should have seen it back then, but I didn't. I was still fairly new at my position, and I was more preoccupied with making sure I was doing right by my tribe to see that they were falling for each other. For him, I think it was her strong will, her refusal to back down from him. For her... I think she saw how much he was struggling to right the wrongs of his past. I think she could see a... A compassionate side in him that he was trying to nurture for the first time in his life, but he didn't know how to do that. She broke his shell."
Atali looked up to Eirson for the first time since she had started her story. "I know it's not my place to speak for them," she admitted. "I only offer my opinion to paint the best picture of the two of them that I can. Since you didn't have the chance to see them together."
Eirson could only nod silently. He could feel the heaviness of sorrow blanketing his body, straight through to his soul.
Atali paused for a moment, probably waiting for another response from Eirson, before continuing. "They exchanged letters over the next year."
Eirson's head spun. Letters, records of their direct conversations, personal and intimate words meant for each other, physical documentation of the love they shared. He remembered his father mentioning those letters. It was in a room, just like this one. Zephyr's birthday. He had said they'd sent letters to each other for a year, and he didn't even answer the first few, but his mother was persistent. So he finally started sending letters back.
Letters that Eirson would never get to read. Because no doubt they would have been on Wingmaiden Island and Outcast Island. Two islands that were now burnt to the ground.
His chest heaved. His vision blurred. He felt like his head was trapped underwater. He struggled to breath, he-
"Hey, Eir..."
He felt gentle fingers intertwine between his own. A hand rested on his arm. He looked up to the calming sea of blue staring back at him. He could breathe a little easier now. Not much, but a little.
"It's okay," Zephyr whispered. "We don't have to go on. We can save the rest for another day."
Save the rest for another day? Like he always did with his father?
His mind suddenly cleared. He had to know, he had to hear it all now. "No... No, I want to keep going."
Zephyr nodded and glanced towards Atali. Atali must have responded; Eirson didn't hear anything but Zephyr nodded back. "Okay," she said. She hesitated for a moment, but then slid closer to Eirson until their sides touched. She kept her hand folded tightly in his and wrapped the other around his back. It felt safe.
"Alright," Atali continued. "Well, I'm sure if Eira hadn't had a duty to her baby Razorwhip, she would have left with Alvin sooner. But she waited until the baby was old enough to be released in early spring, at which point Alvin sailed out to Wingmaiden Island. He decided to sail on his own in a small ship, no crew with him. I can only guess as to why. Perhaps it was too personal of an errand for him, having never fallen in love before. Perhaps it was his way to prove his bravery. But whatever the reason, he sailed on his own to our island."
The pit in Erison's stomach grew as he suddenly remembered some of the advice his father had given him. What were the words he used?
Suddenly the words hit him like a brick. Always remember, son, a man should never sail alone. He had said it about his mother. Eirson felt sick for what was coming next.
But he had to know, before it was too late. Before he lost his chance again.
"She obviously didn't have a family or a father to speak to, so he came to me instead. He offered a generous dowry, and Eira was so happy that I couldn't say no. He stayed for a while on a nearby island, maybe two months. He completed the arrangements with me, came and went to complete some business with Dagur and Mala while he was on that side of the Archipelago, and then stayed for another week or so to prepare to leave. Eira spent a lot of time with him in those two months. We made sure everything was finalized, Alvin checked the boat for the long trip back, we provided the few supplies he needed to make sure everything was in working condition before sailing. She left with him a week later.
"We made sure they were well supplied, and then some just in case they ran into trouble. I thought they'd be fine. Eira knew how to sail well, and so did Alvin. It wasn't a large ship, it's not like it needed a large crew. As long as they were smart, they should have been fine. But... But then a storm came through. And they must have been caught in it.
"Alvin told me the boat took damage and they ended up stuck on Breakneck Bog. They had to wait out the storm for a few days before they were able to truly survey the impact. The ship was mostly in one piece, but they found the damage was much more significant than they originally thought. Fixable, they had the right tools on the ship and there were enough resources on Breakneck that they could manage, but it would take time with only the two of them to fix it. But he said they were optimistic in the beginning.
"Eira found out she was pregnant with you not long after that. Alvin had told me later that he was terrified but surprisingly happy. He had said Eira was ecstatic, which I fully believe. They were alright for a while, but then Eira's morning sickness started to get the best of her. She wasn't able to eat much, and she grew weaker. They had about half of the ship repaired at this point, but Alvin wouldn't let Eira help with the repairs after she started getting sick. The repairs were slowed significantly with half the hands to make them, and even more so with Alvin splitting his time between repairing and caring for Eira. He managed to get ahold of a few Terrible Terrors and tried to send a distress message to Berk. He never got a response, but he thought it was because the Terrors got lost. He wouldn't have had any way of knowing Berk was in the midst of their battle with Drago.
"By the time Alvin finished the repairs well enough that the ship could sail, Eira was well into her pregnancy and not doing well, and winter was setting in. He was still a ways from Outcast and feared Eira wouldn't make it that far without help. So he made the decision to sail to Berk instead, being the closest friendly tribe. And when he arrived there, well... Berk was recovering from the Battle of the Bewilderbeast, and-"
"Wait, what?" Astrid interrupted. "That can't be right, Alvin came to help us rebuild, to help Hiccup."
Everyone stared back at Atali.
Atali nodded slowly. "He... He wanted everyone to think that..."
"Atali, what are you talking about?"
"Please, Astrid, I swear I will explain."
Eirson looked at Astrid and saw a bit of pain behind her eyes, though he could tell she was trying to hide it.
"Alright," Astrid finally said.
Atali nodded. "Hiccup was obviously overwhelmed, having just lost his father and been thrown into Chiefing. I don't even know if Alvin told him the whole story. But Hiccup offered Gothi's services, and Alvin offered his own in exchange. He sent a Terror mail to me as soon as he got to the island, and I arrived the next day."
"Hold on," Astrid interrupted again. "I'm sorry, I just... I knew you were there, and Gothi was helping an injured Wingmaiden, but... That was Eira? Alvin was the one that brought the injured Wingmaiden? And she wasn't actually injured, she was pregnant?"
Atali nodded.
"Why... Who...?"
"I wish I had answers about that, but I was... Too distraught to be paying attention to whatever else was going on at the time," Atali said, her pain evident in her face. "Alvin, of course, was distraught as well. But he had better ways of channeling it than I did. Even if he did seem upset, the Berkians probably assumed it was from the loss of Stoick, being his best friend."
"Why would Hiccup keep that from me?" Astrid asked.
"I don't think he fully knew himself," Atali reminded her. "I think Alvin told him that Eira was sick and pregnant and asked him not to ask anymore questions outside of that. I think he was trying to protect Eira, and Eirson too."
"They weren't married," Eirson croaked. He hadn't intended to speak, the words just slipped out on their own. But his voice was thick and raspy with suppressed tears.
Astrid looked at Eirson.
"Dad never got a chance to marry Mom. I'm a bastard. He wouldn't have wanted to taint her reputation in case she survived. He would have given as little information as possible so that he could build the story later." Eirson shrugged and shook his head. "Common tactic for him. Always worked. He was crafty like that."
"Exactly," Atali agreed. "And once I got there, I think everyone just made assumptions. Hiccup couldn't correct them if he didn't know the whole truth. No one on Berk knew Eira so they wouldn't have been able to put the pieces together. I didn't know what they were saying, let alone have the wherewithal to correct them. I was too focused on Eira to care anyway. Minden and Nadia made the connection later on between Eirson's name and the timing. I told them what I knew but I asked them not to say anything, that I didn't know the full story myself."
"So is that why Alvin left in the dead of winter?" Astrid asked. "After the burial?"
Atali nodded. "I think Hiccup offered to let him stay until winter passed, but he insisted. Probably because there were too many painful memories there between losing Stoick and losing Eira. I went with him to make sure Eirson was safe, to fly ahead and survey for sea ice and impassable areas, but once they were in sight of Outcast Island, I left."
Eirson had too many emotions cycling through his mind to be able to fully process all of this. Guilt that he caused his mother to be so ill that it probably killed her. Grief, of losing his parents in ways that could have been so preventable. Anger that his father had made the decisions that he did instead of being clear with his intentions. Frustration that he never owned up to it even in the 17 years that followed. Jealousy that Atali had the chance to experience Eira's motherly embrace in a way he never would. Confusion as to who actually knew what happened between his parents and who didn't.
But the overwhelming sorrow... That stayed consistent, underlying all of the other ones.
Atali turned back to Eirson. "Anyway, your father didn't leave with her because she never truly got better enough to survive the trip, and they didn't have proper healers on Outcast that could have helped her even if she did make it. Gothi was able to support Eira through another two months almost, just shy of a full pregnancy. But you still came early. You were... You were so weak... So pale... And so was she... Alvin was there, he had to hold you in your mother's arms because she couldn't hold you on her own... And your tiny cry, it was there but it was so small and quiet and strained... It brought us all to tears..." Atali began crying again, looking Eirson up and down. "The first time I saw you after all of that, grown and healthy and strong, I was so happy. You came so far.
"Your mother... Eira... She developed a fever not long after you were born. She survived a few days, but..." Atali opened her mouth to continue but had to pause before any words actually came out. "Alvin was... Devastated. Eira was fading beside him, and you were fading in his arms. I could tell he was trying to prepare himself to lose both of you, and he wasn't handling it well. He kept you close to her, as if he thought you both could give each other strength. She... She always kept one hand on you and one hand in Alvin's, through to the end."
Atali wiped her eyes. Astrid held her hand and dried her cheeks as well. Eirson could feel his own tears pouring down his face but made no move to stop them. Zephyr gave him a gentle squeeze and laid her head on his shoulder, sniffling.
"She passed quietly. She didn't suffer. She whispered that she loved you and your father so much. She just... Fell asleep, and didn't wake up. Alvin knew. He knew the minute she fell asleep that last time that she wouldn't open her eyes again. She stopped breathing a few minutes later. He... He held onto you so tightly, Eirson. Like he was willing life into you so he wouldn't have to lose you too.
"And then you coughed, and my heart stopped. Alvin looked down at you, he looked so desperate, we thought you were about to pass as well. But then... You let out this massive cry. Your cheeks got a bit pinker. Your arms and your legs tensed a bit stronger. And you got better and better with each passing day. Your father, he cried even harder and said your mother passed her hugr to you. That she gave up her life so you could have yours. And so he named you after her."
Hugr. He knew that word. His father told him stories about that word, legends, beliefs. Hugr was the spirit, the things within the soul that made a person who they were. Their personality, their essence. And Alvin believed Eira lived on within Eirson. He'd said things like that before, and he'd explained hugr before... But he had never put the two together. Eirson never knew just how much of his mother he saw in Eirson.
And hearing Eira's story like this... Hearing his mother's story, the story that became his own... He was overwhelmed. He tried to think through it all, to slow down his thoughts and piece everything together, but he couldn't. He was numb. All of those emotions he felt earlier, the anger and guilt and jealousy and sorrow... He was sure they were still there, but as of now he couldn't find them. He was just... Numb.
The room was silent. Eirson didn't notice. He didn't notice the time passing by. He didn't notice anyone looking at him. He barely noticed Zephyr's touch against his skin.
"Eirson?" Astrid asked quietly. "Are you alright?"
He was numb.
"I... I'm so sorry," Atali said. "I'm sorry that I had to be the one to tell you all of this, that your father wasn't able to himself. But I hope that it will at least bring you some comfort, when you have time to process it all. And I know... I know I wasn't there for you like I probably should have been in the past, but if you'll let me, I want to change that. If you need anything, I want you to feel that you can come to me. And I understand if you just can't feel that way right now, but I hope someday you will."
Eirson just nodded. He was numb.
"Eir?"
Zephyr turned his head so he would look at her. He grounded himself in her touch.
"I... I need... Some time..."
"Of course," Astrid said. "That was a lot to take in. We'll let you turn in for the night." She stood and gestured for Atali to follow her. Atali took a long look at Eirson before stepping out of the door. Astrid stepped out after her before turning back inside. "Zephyr?"
Zephyr searched Eirson's eyes like she had already so many times today. He didn't want her to leave. He wanted to beg her to stay. He didn't want to be alone right now, but he didn't want anyone else but her. No one else understood him like she did. Not anymore.
"I, um..." Zephyr broke her gaze for a moment to look at her mother. "I'll be home in a bit, okay?"
Astrid was quiet for a moment, but eventually Eirson heard her say, "Alright, take your time," and quietly shut the door.
Eirson was numb. All he could manage to do was lay down on the bed.
Zephyr laid down next to him without saying a word. She pulled herself up higher on the bed so she could pull Eirson into her chest. He let her. He needed it. He needed her. He began to cry softly.
Zephyr brushed her fingers through his hair and held him close to her. "I know, it's okay. I've got you. I've got you, I'm here, you're okay," she whispered over and over again.
And then Eirson couldn't do it anymore. He missed his father. He longed for his mother. He ached for the life he used to have. He couldn't do it. He grieved for all of the losses he never let himself grieve over before, now that he was in the safety of Zephyr's arms.
He sobbed. He sobbed so hard that it shook his body, Zephyr's body, the bed, the wall next to it. He soaked Zephyr's tunic with his tears. He latched his arms around her waist and held onto her like the last fraying lifeline in the middle of a hurricane. And he sobbed.
And she just held him, reminding him that she was there and that he was okay and that it was okay to cry. She held him through the night and into the morning, until he eventually wept every bit of energy out of his body and sniffled off to sleep.