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Wally: I remember I had to buy a croissant for her
Dick: You mean a corsage
You had to buy a corsage for Artemis for prom
Wally: Hey do you have a second, it's important
Dick: I'm hiding in a bush to text you. What's up?
Wally: You what
Dick: In minecraft
It's a game of hide and seek
Damn I lost
Wally: Sorry
Dick: What's the dumbest thing you believed as a child?
Wally: That if you got poked by a cactus you would become a cactus person
Wally: You never went swimming as a kid and tried to force a boogie board underwater only for it to shoot back up and hit you in the face and it shows
Dick: Maybe not, but I have been apart of attempted drownings before so I figured it compensated
Dick: I can summarize every horse movie
Wally: Okay?
Dick: People don't think this horse can go fast but it do. It do go real fast
Dick: My life may be an absolute mess but at least I don't have a nicotine addiction from a flash drive
Wally: I went to Burger King the other day and the cashier turned my drink upside down and said oh f*** my bad I used to word at Dairy Queen and I haven't stopped thinking about it
Wally: I am a simple man
I enter the kitchen
I eat four servings of bread
I leave
Dick: It's one serving if you serve all of it to yourself at once
Wally: I like the way you think friend
Wally: Does mace work on birds?
Dude does it work on birds
Dude please answer
Time sensitive question
Dick: Sometimes unless it's bigger than you
Dick: Your honor, in my defence, you wouldn't get it
Wally: You had to be there, your honor
Dick: *Smashes eight million dollar vase*
Where my boys at
Wally: Not there 'cause they don't want to pay for an eight million dollar vase
Dick: Hello
Hypothetical situation
Wally: NO
I don't want to hear about it
Dick: I've been really missing my friends lately so naturally I didn't reach out or communicate with them whatsoever
Dick: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects
Wally: Oh. This. I don't like this
Wally: JUNE! What's next, July?! Heaven forbid August? When does the nonsense end!
Dick: Well I have some ATROCIOUS news to give you
Dick: I am so tired of breaking myself into bite sized pieces
Wally: So stay whole and let them choke
Dick: Okay but if cotton shrinks when it gets wet, does that mean sheep shrink when they get wet?
Wally: Sheep produce wool
Cotton comes from a plant
Dick: So sheep don't shrink when they get wet?
Wally: I think it might be time for bed
Dick: You know, I've got enough problems in my life without you shoving your mainstream ideals and corporate agenda down my throat
Wally:?
Dick: Yeah, goodnight
Dick: There is only one gender and it's-
Mine
And I am not sharing
Wally: Well my mom says that it's my turn with the gender so…
Dick: I'm a nice person but I'm about to start throwing rocks a people
Wally: Uhhh
Why
Dick: Jeff Bezos can't become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Wally: What if he gets eaten by a llama
Dick: I'm sorry that's not my area of expertise
Wally: I'm at my mom's house and she just punched a spider to death
Dick: Woah! Awesome!
Wally: It was pretty awesome
Dick: When you die, which body part dies last?
The Pupils
They dilate
Wally:...
…
I hate you
Like a lot
Wally: Can I be frank with you for a moment
Dick: Only if I can stay Dick
Wally: *God creating ducks
And give that one a kazoo
Wally: I hate earthquakes
I am a good midwestern boy and TORNADOES are the proper was to receive the wrath of God
If this earth is going to strike us down the sky should be green, there should be lightning, and we should be holding each other in the basement.
Crushed to death by a collapsing building on a sunny day absolutely not.
Dick: Uh okay
Dick: I was just told that femaism goes out the window when the is a jar that can't be opened
Wally: I may not be a girl but I would also like to add when a driveway needs to be shoveled or a lawn needs to be mowed.
Dick: Barbara approves of those additions
Dick: What happened?
Wally: I was trying to take Artemis out to dinner, but I'm broke
Dick: And this is what friends are for right?
I'll just take her out to dinner for you
Wally: Thank you
As always your jokes don't quite hit the way you think they do
Dick: I keep hear the arguments between people who do cereal first and people who do milk first and I would like to pick my side in this debate
I do bowl first
Wally: The first funny b**** was Cain, who straight up lied to God after killing his brother
Dick: Fair point
Wally: I have a question
If I get shot and die what are you going to do?
Dick: Avenge you
Wally: Good
Wally: All pleasures are guilty pleasures if you have high enough anxiety
Dick: Before I get into it I want to say Diana is an actual bada**
Wally: Not that I don't agree but where are you going with this
Dick: Could you imagine how much more of a bada** she would be if occasionally she pulled her hair back before she went into a fight
Wally: Okay, I'm down with that
Dick: I have a plan
Wally: The four words society fears most
Wally: You said you wouldn't tell
Dick: I only told Conner
He doesn't have a soul not for things like that
Dick: I am always two steps ahead of you b****s
It would be three but I have trauma induced asthma
Dick: I ate sixty-seven gummy bears before realizing they were actually vitamins
I've ripped a door clean from it's hinges and I looked at a cat and it exploded
Wally: Okay
Call me when it wears off
Wally: I don't want a job. I just want to rotate slowly under a warm light like a seven eleven hot dog
Dick: UHHH
Okay
Dick: One day I'll extinguish the sun. Then you won't see, no one will
Wally: I am here to talk if you need
Just reminding you
Dick: 'All due respect' is a wonderful expression because it doesn't actually specify how much respect is actually due
Could be none
Wally: Okay they next time you say that to me I will be personally insulted
Wally: Not gonna lie
I'm pretty uncomfortable like all the time
Dick: Do you think Gordon Ramsay ever just says f*** it and microwaves a hot dog
Wally: I honestly couldn't tell you either way
Wally: Sorry I can't go out tonight I have an essay to write.
Not that I'm going to write the essay tonight but I need to devote a certain amount of time to not doing an essay before I actually do it
Dick: Lol okay
Dick: Why is Tim full of iconic lines?
Wally: What
Dick: He told me and I quote 'I can hold a wet bar of soap better than a conversation'
Dick: Friends are like balloons
If you stab them they die
Wally: I am glad you figured that out finally
Wally: A cool combo sport would be 'hockey but eventually water polo' where they keep turning the temperature up throughout the game
Dick: Yes, yes but when do the horses come in?
Triple combo
Wally: Behind every girlboss is another bigger girlboss
Dick: I believe they call this a pyramid scheme
Dick: That time when Uno tried to tell people the rules through Twitter
Thanks for the cards and all but please mind your business
Wally: Statement of Cotton Eyed Joe regarding his whereabouts
Dick: Why does this make me so uncomfortable
Dick: The whole 'The Barbie franchise enforces gender stereotypes' argument is stupid
Barbie is tough as f*** and Ken is literally a trophy husband to a successful rich beautiful business woman
Wally: Also have you tried ripping Barbie's arms off without tools?
She is built different
Dick: I want to ask why but I won't
Wally: Many people that appear 'cool' actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy
Not me
I have those feelings without appearing cool at all
Dick: Get rekt
You called yourself lame
Wally: DUDE
Dick: Do you ever just need emotional support carbs?
Today I ate two bowls of cereal for no other reason than my life is a sham
Wally: As opposed to when you eat five or six bowls simple because you can
Wally: How do you keep track of all these lies
Dick: Practice Wally
Lying is like 95% of what I do
Dick: Mister Sandman
Bring me a meme
Make it the dumbest s***
I've ever seen
Wally: Canadians are the nicest people until you get them into a hockey rink
Then suddenly they're all like 'I'm am fluent in over six million forms of kicking your a**'
Dick: In french
Wally: Technically speaking there is a lot of food in this house
However, none of it is sweet and none of it is microwaveable
Therefore, there is no food in this house
Dick: I talk a lot of s*** for someone who can't choose rude dialogue options in games because I'm scared of hurting a character's feelings
Dick: Hello there
Wally: General Kenobibidsjjnfckajs
Sorry my dog jumped on me
Dick: I think that makes it better
Dick: I wanna know where guys get off thinking they're better than girls
Have you seen the difference in their powerpoint projector quality
Wally: I hadn't thought about that but damn you're right
Dick: Just because I chose not to drink doesn't automatically make me no fum
That is a separate choice which I have also made
Wally: It seems like bad things keep happening to me as if I have bad luck of something
Dick: Wally you don't have bad luck
The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumba**
Dick: Just heard someone refer to mansplaining as correctile dysfunction so please excuse me I am deceased from what I just heard
Dick: Just lost power b****
Wally: Like electricity or like your chakra or something
Dick: My vibe was so disgusting that it blew a nearby transformer
Wally: So both
Dick: How did you find me
Wally: I saw the big explosion and thought 'Hmm wonder who that could be'
Wally: I have decided that even though separately both you and I are very intelligent people, together we maybe possess three brain cells
Dick: Okay so maybe using my head as a battering ram was a bad idea but I didn't see anyone else coming up with anything better
Wally: On today's addition of s*** said in my chemistry class unprompted
No guys listen. If we take that Lysol spray and set the end of a pencil on fire we can make a flamethrower which would be much faster-'
Dick: Faster than what
Wally: Idk the teacher walked in and they stopped talking
Dick: Not me trying to convince you that Glen is short for Glenjamin
Wally: Not you succeeding because I don't actually know what or even if it is short for anything
Dick: Do you think the washer and dryer are like actually friends or just work friends
Dick: That is the coolest thing I have seen in my entire life
Wally: How cool will it be when it kills us
Dick: Considerably less cool
Wally: I found the perfect insult
You look like you eat the buttons off the remote
Wally: What if vampires are like mosquitoes and only the ladies drink blood
Dick: Pretty sure that would mean the fellas drink tree sap or something
Imagine running from a vampire though the woods and passing her husband who's viciously biting a tree
Wally: Who would win
Sigmund Freud or John Kellogg?
Dick: Kellogg
Wally: May I ask why
Dick: Kellogg was a fitness buff and a healthy eater, Freud drank and smoked cigars
Kellogg would also have a lot of pent up sexual energy to get out in a fight
An extra long set just for you lovelies