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Dick: Who do I contact if I found a plot hole in an episode of Criminal Minds that aired in April 2006?
Is there a hotline or something?
Wally: I don't know
But I will definitely be staying up all night to help you solve this problem
Wally: Today my diet has consisted of Five Guys and Popeye's so I'm probably going to live forever
Dick: You ate… five whole people?
Wally: Six counting popeye
Dick: Murder literally doesn't hurt anyone
You can ask anyone who has been murdered and they literally have nothing to say one the topic.
It clearly doesn't matter to them
Wally: Uhhhhh? Excuse you?
Wally: Peekaboo is essentially just making fun of babies for not understanding object permanence
Dick: I've made fun of babies for less
Dick: Microdosing on cannibalism by chewing the inside of my mouth
Wally: I have a very important question
Which food personality do you think you could dominate?
Dick: This was definitely worth my time
The Green Giant
I dream big
Wally: Just did my own taxes, I should be in jail by friday
Dick: I hate driving behind school buses because I know the cool kids in the back are making fun of me.
Wally: Fair
Wally: Do to personal reasons I will be passing away
Dick: What happened to immortality?
Wally: That's only on Tuesdays
Wally: What do you call a broken can opener
Dick: I will snap your neck if you finish that pun I swear to god
Wally: Not wearing a labcoat so the so the other scientist know I'm a whore
Dick: Only wearing a labcoat so the other scientist know I'm a whore
Wally: You would try to out whore me wouldn't you?
Dick: Let's be real here, between the two of us who is more dramatic
Dick: I hate how you're born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get a job.
What if I wanted to be a duck
Wally: Oh please we both know you would've been a goose
Wally: What feels illegal but actually isn't
Dick: Calling in sick to when you're actually sick
Wally: *Tips fedora at mosquito* m'laria
Dick: Clicked on 'make a reservation' on a restaurant's page and it opened facetime and started calling them
I cannot stress enough how much I did not want to happen
Dick: I was just told the killing people isn't okay unless you want to by some crack head
Wally: Yeah agreed
Wally: If you're turning your life around, you say 180
NOT 360! Wtf
Dick: I did a complete 360 i.e. I'm back in my bulls***
Dick: Do you care if I take the skin off of the Furby
I want to make him a god. Once he is free of his sinful flesh he can begin the path towards enlightenment. He will take care of us.
Also I want to softhack his circuits
Wally: I literally could not care less but never say anything as frightening as that ever again
Wally: You know I don't usually have regrets until I procrastinate writing a paper so I cramming it in last minute and there is no other better way to regret life decisions than at three in the morning while writing a term paper on a subject you know next to nothing about
Dick: I'm assuming you subject yourself to this torcher because it's cathartic or something
Dick: Only 6-8 weeks left
Wally: Until what
Dick: Idk
Dick: If you take a Nyquil and a Dayquil at the same time your immune system takes a screenshot
Wally: Well gotta try it for science
Wally: If someone made an 8 hour movie, no one would watch it because it's too long
Take the same movie and break it into 8 episodes, people would watch it straight through
Dick: Saw a PETA ad that was like 'sheep farmers have lambs born in the winter and that renders the lambs too weak to defend themselves from predators' and like… do lambs usually defend themselves from predators?
Wally: Their venom sacs don't develop until the summer months
Dick: *snifts wine* Do I detect a hint of grapes?
Wally: Snifts
Dick: I like the idea of a romantic couple calling each other with synonyms of cliche nicknames
'Love bunny' is 'affection rabbit'
Or
'Candied vascular system pump' is 'sweetheart'
Wally: Do baby girl
Dick: Infant woman
Wally: Remember
Movies- By rich people, for poor people
Opera- By rich people, for rich people
Theater- By poor people, for rich people
Memes- By poor people, for poor people
Memes are the gateway to the liberation of the masses
Dick: The revolution has begun
Dick: How would Mike Wazowski wear a mask with his horns? Or hooked over his arms?
Wally: Uhhh… I don't know
Why do you do these things to me?
Dick: When stealth is an option I always choose explosives
Wally: *Sigh* Yes I am well aware
Wally: Random act of kindness
Softly kiss the postman's finger's when he puts them through your door to let him know that you are thankful for his gifts
Dick: WHAT THE ACTUAL F***?!
Dick: Whispers violently to a song because you can't scream
Dick: I don't know how to explain it
But Loki, Megamind, and Doofenshmirtz all radiate the same dumb, misunderstood villan energy
Wally: I see
Wally: I love how in the 1950s they thought we would have flying cars or something but now we have to argue whether or not syrup is racist
Dick: Sounds about right
Dick: Okay, but what did we talk about before the pandemic?
Wally: My grandma was going on this rant about how the internet is full of hate and toxic culture and while I don't completely disagree with what she said I would like to say the very first video I saw when I opened Youtube was 'How to wash a stone' from ten years ago
Dick: Nice
Dick: I went to McDonald's for a couple apple pies and my receipt said 314 on the top and needless to say the cashier was not nearly as excited I was
Wally: Did you show Barbara
Dick: Hold on
She shares my excitement
Wally: Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone 'I married a stale ham sandwich of a human' and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Dick: Just opened a soda can with a can opener
Wally: Uhhh, don't do that again
Dick: Super quick question, does anyone know what the point is?
Wally: Dude, no one knows
Wally: Dammit I'm mad is still Dammit I'm mad backwards
Dick: This super important information
Thank you for sharing
Wally: People really be grown and still using umbrellas
Dick: So people become waterproof when they turn eighteen
Wally: Uhhh? I did.
Dick: I sent my sims to university and they all became computer scientists and proved they were living in a simulation so I trashed my computer and I am heading off the grid for a while will be back soon
Wally: What's your favorite era? I'll try to come up with a pick up line accordingly.
Dick: The Great Depression because it's relatable
Wally: Before I continue
Are you okay
Dick: If the Rock runs for president in the next election there is only one thing that can beat him
Wally: Poison
Wally: I saw a girl on campus with a hamster so I asked if I could pet it and it was actually a muffin so I am on my way to jump off a cliff now
Dick: I am going to the hospital
Wally: Uhh why?
Dick: Cause everytime I close my eyes I can't see
Wally: Man I gotta get me some of those painkillers
Dick: I wish sleep worked like it does in minecraft
Just slap my bed and black out for 12 hours
Wally: So I had to get this book from the library and deada** a taco fell out of the book into my lap. I have had this book for ten minutes nine of which were spent in my backpack where taco do not reside
Dick: What kind of high do you have to be to use a taco as a bookmark
Dick: Does your brain ever just go donkäe?
Wally: What rhymes with purple
Dick: No it doesn't
Wally: I hate you
Dick: Don't mind if I don't
Wally: This is not an invitation to learn about what you are talking about but I agree nonetheless
Wally: God I hate being alive I just wanna die in a national park under mysterious circumstances
Okay, I'm done being dramatic I finally started my homework and it's not that bad
Dick: Lol okay
Wally: I found a rock
My troubles will soon be over
Dick: -Cain, Genesis book IV
Dick: I saw your text I was just waiting until I had enough serotonin to reply
Which I just got
Wally: Scientific Fact
It is impossible for a man to strap any kind of load in a trailer without saying 'That's not going anywhere' as he tightens the rope
Dick: The Midwest series
Wally: I just don't understand why you think it's so weird that I can smell when in rains
Dick: it just isn't a skill I have heard of
Wally: Well I everyone I have been around my entire life can smell when it's going to rain
Dick: So you have the same radar for rain that Bruce does for crime
Got it
Wally: Soup is so crazy it's like hot water but its got stuff going on
Dick: Snort Xanax in one nostril and Adderall in the other nostril and let God sort out the rest
Dick: Man I could go for some upgamers
Wally: What's upgamers?
Dick: WELCOME TO MY MINECRAFT VIDEO
Wally: Damn not again
Dick: Do beavers even know what they're doing or do they see water flowing down a river and think 'absolutely not'.
Wally: I always thought it was instinctual but I like your idea better
Dick: You know how I was high on those painkillers about a week ago
Wally: Yes?
Dick: Found gold in the notes on my phone
A snake walks into a bar and the bartender says how did you do that
Wally: Wow, that is gold
Dick: I can't explain it but hotel air conditioners feel how Mcdonald's Sprite tastes
Wally: I really wish you could explain because I really want to know what this means
Wally: If cats don't want to be held like little babies maybe they shouldn't be roughly the same size and shape of little babies
Dick: Imagine being an actress and having to pretend your in love with Adam Sandler
Wally: They deserve all the Oscars
Wally: I miss being five years old and collecting the static from the TV with my hands
Dick: I was just told not to ever be sad on a Saturday, that you should save it for Mondays and cry on the clock, not to let capitalism win
Wally: Yeah, okay
Dick: Someone asked me to name two structures
I was like well damn
Wally: Eww
Wally: I really need people to stop asking my how everything is going, I have no idea I have been ignoring everything
Dick: Can you stop being mad at me
Wally: The answer to 'what did you do' when something explodes is not 'my best'