Painful Love

Life returned to him, slow, warm and dark.

His drained body felt heavy, tired, still too weak to wake up right now.

So, he stayed where he was for a while, in the state between being awake and asleep, a place where one didn't care about anything.

Slowly he exhaled, enjoying this moment one last time when he noticed how his groaning body threw him out of this warm cloud of his befuddled mind, signaling him to wake up.

Only then, Kudo Shinichi's mind return to its place, time and space started to exist again, just like the cold breeze that had somehow found its way beneath the warm blanket.

His heartbeat fastened so that he heard the blood rushing in his ears, whispering a secret.

Something was wrong, something was - different.

But what?

He shivered briefly when he finally noticed the soft pillow under his head along with the heavy duvet on his chest.

'Guess, I am still alive...'

Shinichi swallowed, moved his hand to his face, and brushed over his forehead, twitching as his fingers reached the point where the water had kept hitting him.

His whole body felt heavy and numb, his fingers moved and yet did not seem to belong to him, even after this restful sleep all his senses were still drowned in fatigue.

Pure instinct told him to resist the promising sleep, so he opened his eyes without thinking about the consequences, at least he tried. Shinichi groaned, immediately squeezing them shut again when blinding light burned in his eyes, which were used to darkness.

'What the-'

Memories washed over him, cold and relentless.

The contact lenses... of course, his eyes had had enough time to get used to the darkness so that they now tried to avoid the light. A pained smile fought its way to his lips.

'At least I know now that the things have not grown attached over time.' Shinichi swallowed, forced himself to open his burning eyes slowly, blinked, but for the time being he was not allowed more than black dots jumping around in his field of vision. Only slowly, the black mist faded, becoming a grey veil that settled over the room and kept the burning of his eyes company for a few more minutes. But what he saw was at least enough to recognize where he was.

'A hospital?'

The detective blinked, looked around the bare white room, his gaze wandering up to the infusion bag above him before his eyes were caught by the only movement in the room.

Up in the corner of the room hung a small old-fashioned TV, his own face flickering across the monitor as the attractive news anchor moved her mouth without that her words reached him.

He swallowed,... at least he didn't have to deal with this during his time as a prisoner. He's managed to ignore the consequences of his plan, to almost forget it, so that the chaos he'd caused only now caught up with him.

'Well, you won't wiggle yourself out of this one so quickly, Kudo...' But the thought made Shinichi hesitate. His mind still had to process what it meant that he woke up here, and wasn't at the mercy of the boss anymore. The former chief inspector of the Tokyo police.

'Matsumoto...'

With a groan, he tried to push himself into a sitting position, but his trembling muscles wouldn't obey. A light pressure on his shoulder made him stop.

"Slow down, Shinichi..."

Her voice sent an electric impulse through his veins, and for the first time in his life, his mind was unable to interpret this spark correctly.

He didn't know if her voice made his heart stumble out of love or fear.

Her words made him flinch and his hair stood on end.

'Ran.'

He turned his head towards her voice, recognizing her in the chair beside his bed, a red blanket slowly slipping from her shoulders as she leaned forward.

Had he woken her up?

Her beautiful eyes managed to calm his racing pulse, to confirm what his ears had heard, even as the dark shadows in her face coated his tongue with a bitter taste.

He knew those tracks all too well.

Tears.

Because of him?

"Ra-"

But nothing more than a hoarse croak left his throat, his lips were dry while his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. Ran gave him a worried look before she stood to fill one of the white paper cups with water before handing it to him along with a straw.

Shinichi nodded gratefully and felt his body sigh in relief when the water slowly flowed down his throat.

Ran watched the water disappear, took the empty cup back from him, and waited.

A cold shiver crept down her spine, making her crawl back into the soft blanket her mother had left her, the soft red color that crept onto her cheeks wasn't enough to warm her.

Ran could not order her eyes to look away from him and yet something held her in chains, prevented her from pulling him into a hug, to sob at his neck.

Her inner voice told her to get it over with as quickly as possible.

That part of her just wanted to leave.

Flee, at least from him...

If she would not be able to escape from herself.

His voice, on the other hand, plunged her deeper into this dark, ambivalent abyss, drawing her closer to him, so that in the next moment she wished she would never have to leave him again.

"Ran…"

This one word managed to send a shiver down her spine, spoken by a voice that was clearly his and yet had taken on a different timbre.

And Shinichi himself hadn't noticed anything until now.

Her clever detective.

She swallowed, smiled with a gentle shake of her head.

"You gave us quite a scare, Shinichi. I- we thought we'd never find you."

She saw how her voice made him shiver again, she bit her lips and wondered if it wouldn't be better to just shut up and not remind him of all the terrible things he'd been through. Shinichi, however, seemed to have read her thoughts. Of course, he had, he was a detective and knew her better than anyone else.

He just shook his head, banishing the goosebumps from his arms, and ignored how foreign his own voice suddenly sounded as he struggled to pronounce that hated name.

"Matsumoto?"

He saw her swallow, avoiding his gaze for a moment before she could look at him again. But her eyes told him more than a simple sentence could have.

Shinichi averted his eyes, fixed a nameless spot on the floor, while his mind tried to understand what he didn't want to comprehend.

He was still out there...

"It's not over yet "

He swallowed, a bitter taste had formed on his tongue.

'...it never will be, not without an antidote.'

The vibrating fear in his tone echoed through the room. He cursed as memories of the past days made him shiver and she of all people had seen it. He was not afraid of Matsumoto himself, at least not for his sake, no, he was afraid of what this man, pushed into a corner, was capable of.

"Yes, it is..."

Ran's bitter voice, his beloved Ran, made his mouth dry. She noticed it and cleared her throat before she began to speak again, her tone now matching her character.

"The whole world now knows who he is. The FBI and the police will find him. He can't go anywhere... he can't... he can't do anything about it."

Shinichi swallowed, took a deep breath.

'Let's hope so...'

He didn't voice his doubts, didn't want to worry her even more, didn't want to fuel her distress any further. But while he tried to catch her gaze, her eyes had wandered to the floor, searching the worn hospital floor for the right passage of text that would allow her to continue to speak. Ran's voice sounded rough and hoarse in his ears, while she told him what had happened in the past few days.

"It took the FBI a while to gather the information they needed to track the boss down." He heard how her voice began to tremble and could see how her eyes became glassy.

"We have taken far too long..."

Ran bit her lips, trying to forget the image of him tied to this cold table.

To forget his face that looked more dead than alive, his scream when-

"Ran."

His hand on hers made her falter.

She looked up and met his tired smile, which wanted her to believe that everything was fine, that she had nothing to worry about.

Ran swallowed, turned her head away.

He couldn't fool her any longer.

Nevertheless, she felt how she relaxed so that it slowly became easier for her to talk.

"Vermouth. She gave us a clue, otherwise... we might never have-"

She broke off, looking at him tensely, watching his blue eyes grow wide as the muscles around his jaw tightened.

How could he not have noticed it yet?

Could he really not remember the pain?

That would be a good thing… somehow.

Shinichi's eyes, however, revealed that he'd figured out why Vermouth decided to help them.

He swallowed, feeling bile creeping up his throat and burning it.

"Angel."

Ran flinched, confirming his suspicions.

But how?

Ran should have been safe, away from everyone and everything and especially out of Vermouth's reach. He saw her blush under his gaze. He sighed, rolled his eyes.

'I should have known.' The silence that suddenly lingered in the room grew between them, created a distance that he had felt all along and yet didn't want to admit.

Was that the reason why she kept avoiding his gaze?

Or should there be more to it in the end?

An invisible voice screamed in his ear, insulted him with inaudible curses, but he simply couldn't understand what it was about or what it wanted from him.

So he decided to break the silence himself, sighed briefly and, let his gaze slide to the ceiling.

"Angel - I've never liked that. Even if she's right and you saved her life, I still don't think it's right. An angel, a dead soul trying to protect people's lives without ever sharing them. Even if you believe in it, you can't see it, you can't talk to it, or feel it..."

He swallowed, smiling slightly as he noticed her confused and worried expression.

"Sorry, I guess I really was down there for too long."

Ran, however, didn't return his smile, so that the grin died on his lips. She looked at him as if she'd seen a ghost.

He sighed, lowering his eyes.

'A ghost... yes, I guess that's what I am.'

After everything that had happened, there was no turning back for him. Kudo Shinichi no longer existed.

Why else would she act so strangely, so... dismissive towards him compared to the stubborn Ran who would have done anything to be with him just a few weeks ago.

'She has given up on you...'

Shinichi swallowed as a thousand hot needles pricked his skin, causing a pain he couldn't describe. With a soundless sigh, he ran his hand through his hair, or at least he would have done if the hand coming towards him had not let him stop his movements.

"What?"

The stifled question was the last thing his mind was capable of.

His rushing pulse displaced every clear thought in his head. It seemed to him as if someone else was moving the fingers in front of his face; as if it were not his muscles twitching and not his fist opening and closing again.

The sinewy fingers held a strength he didn't recognize, and while anyone else would probably not even have noticed the change, he suddenly felt like a stranger in his own skin.

He swallowed, but the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat wouldn't allow it, would not give him any relief, while the remaining blood drained from his face.

What if he was imagining all of this. What if-

'No.'

Panic grew inside him, trying to swallow the spark of hope to protect his body from the impact of disappointment.

After all, it was impossible...

'Impossible...'

His breath trembled, torn between faith and doubt, disappointment and hope until Ran brought him to a halt and gave him support in his wavering world.

Her warm fingers stopped his thoughts, she had finally overcome the distance between them, took the hand that had been hovering restlessly in the air in front of him into hers.

Her fingers felt delicate and fragile in his palm.

Goosebumps crept up his body from his fingertips, while his usually analytical mind was still struggling.

'I am...'

"But how-?"

But even before he had finished his question, he touched his throat with his other hand as he realized what had been bothering him about his voice before. It was not due to his dry vocal cords, but his voice itself had changed, becoming darker and more like his father's, barely audible.

He looked up, straight into her blue eyes that had been waiting for him with a patient smile on her lips.

"Tracy."

Shinichi just continued to look at her, trying to understand what this name was supposed to mean to him. After all, the chemist's efforts in the years before had always been in vain. How was it possible that she should suddenly have succeeded.

'But maybe...'

He swallowed; an evil foreboding sprouting up in him, causing his fingers to close tighter around hers as if he never wanted to let them go.

"It's-"

"Permanent, Shinichi."

She watched his eyes grow wide, couldn't stop a smile from creeping onto her lips when he suddenly resembled Conan once more, even though he certainly didn't want to hear that right now.

Shinichi swallowed, still eying at her questioningly.

"You have been asleep for almost three days, Shinichi... Tracy has been monitoring you during that time. She says your body has adapted well and your cells have completely broken down the poison, or something like that." Shinichi felt her words making his heart race.

'A permanent antidote...' Shinichi swallowed.

The slow significance of all this made his mind spin, he grabbed his forehead and ran a hand over his face. He winced as something rough on his chin pricked his cold fingers.

Stubble.

A brittle hot laugh left his throat, for the first time in years a weight seemed to fall from his shoulders.

'Edogawa Conan, never again...'

It was over.

'Never again...'

Finally Over...

A warm wave of euphoria and endorphins washed over him, putting a broad grin on his lips.

But when he looked up, it faded again.

She didn't look at him.

Her eyes were fixed on an invisible spot on the floor and he could feel her fingertips trembling under his.

"Ran?"

But she just shook her head, pulled her hand out of his, and left his fingers useless and numb.

Shinichi swallowed - she wasn't happy.

'Why? Just a few weeks ago she-'

Was she really that angry with him, or was she just scared at the end? He remembered her voice, she must have been there when- when it had happened.

'When Edogawa Conan finally disappeared.'

But was that really the reason why she couldn't even look at him anymore? He made a face, deliberately reshaped this thought, hoping to lift her spirits. He shrugged, pointing to his face with a wry grin even if she did not lift her gaze.

"Do I really look that bad?" Ran did not react.

He bit his lips, lowered his hand while a deep shadow dug between his eyebrows, and with it, the seriousness and concern returned to his voice.

"Ran?"

"Idiot!"

Her accusing tone made him flinch. Cautiously, he raised his eyes, but the young woman at his side still avoided him, not even thinking to look at him as she spoke.

He sighed and stared at his hands on the bedspread. He knew she was angry at him and she had every right to be.

"Idiot! You're a goddam idiot Shinichi."

"Yes, you already said that."

This time, however, she looked up so that he flinched under her furious gaze, not seeing what else stood behind the accuse in her watery eyes.

"Why did you do that, why did you go with them." He sighed, struggling not to roll his eyes. Wasn't the answer obvious?

"You would have died, Ran."

"So what? What if not? Maybe there would have been another solution. You shouldn't have done that, Shinichi." He stared at her, his blue eyes empty, his voice suddenly brittle.

"You can't ask that of me, Ran..."

"Oh, but you can of me!?"

She stood up, pushing the chair back with an unpleasant screeching noise against the floor, forcing him to look up at her as the red blanket slowly slid off her shoulders.

"You don't give a damn about how your actions make me feel!"

"That's not true..."

"Oh? Then why do you keep doing it? Why do you keep doing this to yourself and to me? Why do you hurt me every time, Shinichi... you don't save anything with these actions.

Not you, not me.

Nothing."

Shinichi swallowed, now it was him who avoided her gaze.

"You know that's not true, Ran..." He sighed before he continued.

"I couldn't risk anything happening to you. That the poison- I couldn't bear that thought." She bit her lips, feeling a slight tinge of red creep reluctantly onto her cheeks.

"Ran... I didn't want anything to happen to you because of me. That's what this whole damned lying was based on, whether Conan or Bell doesn't matter. I know I wasn't thoughtful, and I have hurt you with those lies.

But if I have the chance to protect you, I will! Always - whether you like it or not."

He looked at her, his gaze a mixture of the stubbornness that had so often enraged her, and the courage and care she loved in him.

She knew her quickening heartbeat was telling her she was happy, her body screaming for him with every fiber of her heart.

But if she gave in now, he would be dependent on her forever. She would remain his Achilles' heel forever and destroy even more than she already had.

It was enough... he had been through enough.

He'd suffered enough, because of her.

She cleared her throat, but it was hard to keep her tone cold and stern.

"Well... I guess the lies are over now." Shinichi winced, she didn't have to look up at the TV for him to understand what she meant.

"It was my only chance..."

But Ran only swallowed, the accusatory words of the news anchors still echoed in her ears, renewed disgust rose in her when she thought of how much the press had tried to use his story, while he had no idea.

"Your chance of what? Destroy your life even more, Shinichi?"

But he stayed silent, didn't look at her, while his hands dug deep into the bedspread.

"Is it really worth so little to you? Your life? Do you have any idea what you've done? What you've done to yourself? The press, the whole frigging world knows!" She gestured wildly with her arms, then looked down at him.

"A remedy that is like the fountain of youth..., do you really think the people have that much morality to leave you alone about it?"

He swallowed, bit his lips.

"I want to know why the hell you don't care about your life anymore, Shinichi! Why are you doing this, why did you-"

"Because I didn't think I'd ever get out of there alive! That's why."

Ran remained silent, looking at him for a while before she lowered her gaze, searching the floor for answers that she would not find anywhere. Her voice was little more than a soft whisper, her ears themselves not wanting to believe what her lips were saying.

"You knew... and yet, you made that deal with Vermouth... for my sake."

She swallowed, feeling her eyes begin to burn again.

"You're risking your life, recklessly putting it on the line like it means nothing to you...all because of me."

"Because a life without you means nothing to me, Ran."

His voice was louder than he intended it to be, echoing lonely through the room and putting a clear end to her whispered words.

He took a shaky breath as a slight red tinge crept onto his cheeks.

"A life without you is not a life... not one I want or can endure. Ran, please, you have to understand I-"

He swallowed, reached for her with his cold hands, and even though he was lying in this bed and the scene was not what he had imagined, the numbing feeling inside him urged him to tell her.

Now.

Or he would lose her forever.

"Ran I-"

But at that moment when his eyes, clouded with black shadows, looked at her, when his brittle lips wanted to say what she had wanted to hear for so long, at that moment her mind returned again.

'I am not good for you...'

Her mind won the painful war with her heart, so she took a step back, releasing her hands from his, and stopping him from speaking further.

"I can't do this anymore, Shinichi... I can't."

She swallowed, reluctantly feeling more and more tears gathering in her eyes the further she moved away from him.

"I don't want to be responsible anymore..."

His throat went dry, a bad foreboding raised inside him. He tried to pull himself together though his feeble muscles failed him, knowing that she needed him now, someone to hold her at this moment because she was obviously getting lost...

But he couldn't, he was tied to this damned bed until his body finally decided to wake up from its hibernation, so that she stood alone in the room, trembling and suddenly more fragile than he had ever seen her before. Something had made her otherwise strong heart splinter, self-doubt had grown where he had usually found courage and hope.

He swallowed, he could only think of one person who could do something like that with perfection.

His voice was dry, trembling, so one could tell he didn't really want to ask the question, but he did.

"What happened, Ran?"

She looked up and his heart tightened as he saw the first tears trickle down her cheek. For fuck's sake, he was himself again but not even able to dry her tears, no matter how much the tingling in his fingertips wished he could.

Ran's eyes were restless, she didn't have to think long, knew immediately what he meant, but her voice was as pale as her face.

"Is it true?"

She swallowed, looked directly at him now, her eyes glimmering with a

little spark of hope. Maybe the boss of the black organization had merely manipulated and unsettled her.

She was afraid of the answer, and yet, she wanted to hear it. She was tired of this eternal lying and secrecy.

She wanted the truth.

The detective in the hospital bed blinked, raised an eyebrow questioningly, and looked up at her in confusion.

"I... what do you mean?" She gave him a quick glance. Of course... Shinichi had already been unconscious at that moment, unaware of Matsumoto's little gift.

Her hand slipped into her pocket, pulled out a small piece of paper, and handed it to him.

The detective frowned before she could watch his face lose all color.

On the back of the small crumpled label of a bourbon bottle was only one name: Amoru Toru.

'No.'

But it was way too late for curses. If he had drawn his conclusion from this note, she had as well.

He looked up, swallowing as he realized its significance.

Ran, however, did not look at him, her throat slowly tightened, her lips were difficult to move to speak.

"So is it true... That... that it's my fault that Ai- that they found her?"

Shinichi's eyes grew wide, his heart threatened to leap out of his chest.

That was it, that was what his mind had kept behind closed doors. He twitched as fragments and images reassembled the dark puzzle of his memories. The voice that had screamed at him then now laughed mockingly in his mind.

He had delivered her to the knife.

His breathing hitched in his chest and for a seemingly endless moment, there was a thick silence between them.

"So it is true."

Her voice became quiet, barely audible.

"Am I responsible for her death?"

He bit his lips, his tone gentle but unable to hide a slight tremor.

"Ran, it was... a stupid coincidence, nothing more."

But the teacher only reacted with a shake of her head, her hands had clenched into fists.

"No."

Shinichi didn't give up, desperately tried to get through to her.

"Listen, if anything it's my fault! If I had told you everything you would have known who you were dealing with. You couldn't have-"

"Do you think I don't know that?!"

Her voice was loud, ringing shrilly in Shinichi's ears.

"I know that your stupid lies-... I know!"

She faltered, shook her head so that her tears fell to the ground like fine rain. Her voice was barely there, he tried to catch her gaze, but her eyes had long since lost him.

"But that doesn't change the fact that I-I..."

'...I killed her.'

Her voice broke.

She could take no more.

She needed to get away, away from him, away from all...

"Ran!"

But his call was too late.

She didn't react, leaving him alone in the hospital room.

He stared at the open door before he sank back into the pillows with a heavy sigh.

He wished he would finally wake up.

But his nightmare had only just begun.

Hey evereyone,

well... that WAS a ShinRan moment, even though not what you've been looking for I guess... you'll still have to wait for it I fear.

Anyway I hope you liked the chapter and I would love to read your reviews!

Thank's for keeping with me for so long, also a huge thank you to my beta Tobina :)

Till next time!

~ Shelling