A/N: This chapter...is one of the more painful chapters that I've had to edit through. I think I wrote the bulk of this...about two months ago. However, in that time...many things have changed. My mom has had health issues for most of my life...and despite the best efforts of myself and my dad...she has taken a turn for the worse within the last few weeks. As her daughter and main caretaker, I'm heartbroken. Even though I know I did the very best I could to take care of her, and was told by her that I did an exceptional job, a part of me is wracked with guilt because it still wasn't enough to save her. At this point, only God could save her and she's...ready to go be with the Lord. As much as I still need her, I want what's best for her soul. The losses I have been through in the past year along with witnessing others go through the same sort of tragedy, has prepared me for this drastic change ahead. When I was a child, my greatest fear was losing my mother. I am now being confronted by that fear. However, my mother could have died when I was 8. I'm 27 now. I've been blessed to have her for nearly 20 extra years. I have many beautiful memories and no regrets beyond petty things I can easily fix (such as watching some the shows she recommended me to see). Mina's story within this work and Surviving Through Changes, though highly exaggerated, dramatized, and...well flat out crazy in ways that are in no way realistic...is one that has been pulled from aspects of my life and feelings over many years. And this story, in this moment, is helping me make peace with what I might lose very soon. I know this author's note is far too long and personal, but these were things I needed to share in order to reassure myself that this is something I am capable of surviving through. More importantly, I want to leave those useless feelings of guilt behind here in this work. My mom wouldn't want me to hold myself responsible for things I had no way of controlling or fixing. She would want me to keep moving forward and to be happy. And I will be. God has been good to me. He blessed me with the best mom in the world. I was so fortunate to have her for as long as I did. Mama, I know you won't read this, but I just want to say publicly that I love you so much. You raised me and made me who I am today. I will always thank God for you. You've been my biggest inspiration and my best friend. My strongest supporter and the person who taught me how to endure trials and tribulation. You instilled a love for reading and writing within me, and I've been told my writing has been extremely helpful to those going through rough times. My dearest mother, I wish you great days in Heaven once you get there. I love you darling. God bless you always.

Disclaimer: After a giant note like that...yeah no.

Warnings: The author's note is enough of an indicator that this one is going to draw out some tears, right? The next one will probably be like that too. Oh, and there's some graphic depictions of gore in this one. Not too bad but...well you get the point. Reader discretion advised. This chapter and the next are going to be emotionally heavy.

Chapter 54

Deserving of Life Part 1

December 21st, 2017
11:50 p.m.

"M-Mina..."

My name breaks past his lips in a broken, weary whisper.

His heartbreak presses down on my chest, adding an extra layer of agony to each breath I manage to take in.

This nightmare just keeps going.

"No," I answer back, dropping the empty gun in my hand. "Don't...please...don't."

Why won't it stop? Why won't the pain go away?

A weak, raspy exhale reaches my ears. The sound draws my eyes toward Rei and offers an escape from the pure misery on Joey's face. Looking at her doesn't bring any solace though. One glimpse is all it takes to shatter the confusion that had been clinging to me since she fell.

Within a split second, I knew everything...

"Geass."

A silent gasp escapes me as Kara places her hands on Serena's shoulders. She starts to shake her while shouting, "Sailor Moon! Get a hold of yourself!"

Only then do I really register the future queen's manic giggling.

"Rei used her Geass on me..."

In yet another cruel twist of fate, my own Geass decided to show me why I still draw breath.

Once Rei realized I was planning to kill myself, she activated her Geass and ordered me to shoot her until I'd emptied the gun. A part of me wants to sigh out loud at the sheer recklessness of such a command, but a more dominant part can only muster a deep sense of regret. The argument we had over my mother had made it impossible for me to remember the trauma and grief she'd been fighting through, but now her memories play out like a movie in my head.

I see Chad at the intersection in the city above this cursed fortress. I see Rei's face as she notices her grandpa on the same intersection as dirt and debris descends toward them like hot lava from a volcano. I see the horror on her face when she realizes she can only save one of them.

And then, I watch her choose her family over the man that loved her.

Ever since that moment...she's been obsessed with the idea of keeping everyone she cares about alive. That's why she panicked when she saw me press the gun to my head. That sense of panic made her blurt out the first command that came to mind.

Had she pondered it any longer, I would be dead right now...

And the nightmare would have ended.

How ironic...the difference in our thoughts and choices.

Rei resolved to take responsibility for the things she said and did at Tokyo Tower. In her mind, making things right meant saving me from myself no matter what it took...even if she lost her life in the process.

"For heaven's sake, she could have asked me shoot at the ceiling," I think hopelessly, fighting back tears as the light in Rei's eyes begins to dim. "Why do you always have to be so stupid!"

She offers an apologetic smile and my heart drops to my stomach. There were moments before now when she admitted her guilt and asked for forgiveness. I wasn't able to do it. Something inside just wouldn't let me move past the things she said and the actions she took. Maybe things could have been different if we'd found a way to reconcile before the Christmas Ball...before I took my mother's life.

Everything takes me back to that one decision.

Joey wasn't the only person I saved that night. My mother would have kept killing more and more people.

Just like Rei, I didn't have time to wait for a better way. Even so...

Shame seeps into my heart like a poisonous mist.

Forgiving someone is easy once you see yourself in their sins.

I'm no better than Rei, E.E., or anyone else. Self-righteous fury and my inability to let go of the past is what put me on this path.

I murdered nine people in cold blood out of desperation and hatred.

Vengeance was the goal...not justice.

Even with my mother...I just...

My heart was never in the right place.

That's the truth I didn't want to admit.

Knowing this, I finally find it in my heart to forgive my friend as she breaths her last.

However...

A violent shock wave tears through the room and sends me careening down to the floor. Joey lets out a yelp of surprise. I don't hear the detective shriek or scream, but my ears pick up a harsh smack against the wall.

And then I hear Serena...wailing in laughter.

Soon I'm chuckling along with her as I lay there on the floor, anticipating a death Rei can't possibly prevent now, but within seconds my chuckles transform into vicious, painful coughs. Thin trails of blood drip from the sides of my mouth again and my breathing staggers. There's no question in my mind that one of my broken ribs pierced through my lung a while ago, but my body keeps truckling along anyway just to spite me. As much as I crave death, it simply refuses to give up on life. That physical resistance won't last much longer though. Eventually whatever strength my body clings to will disappear like the last lingering embers of a flame.

"Man, I'm exhausted," I think, just barely managing to lift my head from off the floor to look at Serena. She brushes her bloodied fingertips over Rei's open eyes, closing them as giggles continue to spill out from between her lips.

"I'm really sorry, Rei." With gentle motions, she lowers Rei's head to the floor. "It's my fault. All of this is my fault. I forced you to come back one time too many. If not for that...mistake...none of this would have ever happened."

"Her voice sounds different," I muse inwardly. "Unhinged. That's...definitely not good."

Dizzy and disoriented from coughing, it takes some maneuvering to get myself into a sitting position on the floor. A strangled gasp leaves me and I spit out a few more droplets of blood onto the floor. Soon after, black spots start to dance on the edges of my vision. My breathing is beginning to falter.

"Not yet." Forcing in air I blink a few times to realign my worsening vision, then fix my gaze on the future queen. Now on her feet, she stands a few paces in front of me, her sapphire gaze cold and menacing.

"S-Serena..."

"Did you get your revenge? Was it worth it?"

My eyes immediately drift to Rei's lifeless body on the ground. No. It certainly wasn't worth all this. I should be the one lying dead on the floor right now not her.

"Rei killed E.E..." I say, unable to look up from our friend's corpse.

"Let me guess," Serena continued, her tone shifting into something more playful. "You got mad, right? Felt like Rei stole your kill?"

I don't say anything back to her. Her assessment is pretty much spot on.

"You poor, pathetic creature."

"Serena, listen to me..."

"No," she cuts in. "What can you possibly say, Mina? What excuse can you hope to give for murdering ten people, including Rei!?"

Once more, I keep my mouth shut and resign myself to the misunderstanding concerning Rei. In the end, the truth of what happened doesn't really change anything. After E.E. finally dropped dead, all I wanted was to kill Rei, and at the time, I had every intention of getting rid of the rest of the scouts too. I'd even contemplated tracking down and killing Yugi, Tristan, and Téa before coming back to my senses.

"But even without all that...I lost myself in blood-lust throughout my time down here."

"There's no justification for that," Serena mutters in between the manic giggles. "I don't care what your reasons were anymore! You have crossed a line of no return, and the way I see it, someone needs to put you out of your misery already!"

Yeah, seeking vengeance like this was wrong, plain and simple, but I can't take it back. At the end of the day, I killed ten people...and E.E. wasn't even one of them.

What a joke.

That's all my life is anymore. One long, twisted joke.

And it must be hilarious because Serena won't stop laughing.

"I will end it!" With a violent flick of her wrist, Serena's scepter appears to greet her bloodstained hands. The crystal within it begins to glow shortly after. "Over and over and over again I watch all of you suffer and die. I can't take it anymore!"

"That doesn't surprise me," I answer, unnerved by the bitter edge in my voice. "You get a little taste of turmoil and you completely crumble." A laugh of my own slips past my lips without my consent. "Maybe if you weren't so weak we wouldn't have to suffer so much."

It was a horrible thing to say. Immediate guilt wracked through my entire body at having unleashed such dark feelings on her, especially because it wasn't true at all. Serena was many things. A crybaby, a horrible student, a milkshake addict, etc., but those are just surface things. Beneath all that is someone with true strength and courage. She's kind, selfless, brave, and most importantly...forgiving.

This person in front of me...this isn't the Serena I know.

And the reason she's acting like this at all is because of the terrible things she saw...things she never should have seen. As a Sailor Scout, it's my job to protect her, and instead I...

How could I have fallen so far so fast?

"You know what?" Serena began, all mirth gone from her features. "You're absolutely right, Mina. I am weak. I rely far too much on you guys. It's way past time for me to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for my actions, a concept you don't seem to know anything about."

I scoff at her as a way of acknowledgement, though she probably took it as me disagreeing. Doesn't matter. It's clear she's completely given up on me as a friend, as a fellow human being even. Something inside of her snapped the instant Rei breathed her last. I recognize it for what it is. After all, I'm the poster child for descents into madness.

Besides, her wrath is as good a punishment as any. Rei meant well, but she did herself in and caused another disaster as a result. I'm not angry about it though. Serena's perception of events will give me exactly what I want.

My soul was doomed the instant I pulled the trigger on my mother. There is no salvation for me. Even if there was...I would never be able to accept it because it's not a gift I deserve to claim.

It's just as Serena said, my reasons don't matter anymore. Nothing can justify the cruel things I did to E.E.'s subordinates. I made them all suffer until their last breaths...and I enjoyed every last second of it.

The blood...the screams...the adrenaline...

Everything I did tonight fed these demons inside of me, and I know they'll want more. Even now I can feel twinges of waning blood-lust.

In what universe could I ever hope to overcome these horrible feelings?

It's impossible.

I can make peace with a lot of things in this moment. I can forgive Rei, Serena, my mother, even E.E.

But I will never ever forgive myself.

Whatever Serena plans to dish out is what I've earned with my own two hands.

"After what you've done..." Serena pauses as the light-show from her scepter intensifies. "After all that's happened, I'm going to make sure none of you come back! Maybe then... maybe then everyone can finally rest in peace!"

A small smile lifts the corners of my mouth. "Yeah, I could definitely use some rest..."

The thought trails off abruptly as Joey, within a few quick strides, positions himself behind Serena. There's a grim look on his face as he raises his hand...

He has a gun...

"W-what is he doing!?"

With a firm, steady hand, Joey points the barrel of the weapon mere inches away from the back of Serena's head.

"Stop it!" he ordered, his voice firm and unrelenting. "Drop the scepter!"

The magic in the wand immediately dissipates, but Serena doesn't make a move. Gritting his teeth, Joey presses the barrel against the back of her head in a move of pure desperation.

It was a complete role reversal.

I shot my mother to save him...

And now...he's willing to shoot Serena...maybe even kill her...to save me.

With a grunt of effort, I stagger to my feet. "I have to stop him. I have to stop him right now!"

"Serena...drop it!" he yelled, almost hysterical. "NOW!"

"Or what?" she challenged, forcing energy into the scepter again once she saw that I was standing. Turmoil spun in Joey's eyes, but there was a grim determination there too...the same kind I had when I...

Crap. I poison everything that's good in my life.

"J-Joey...hold on a minute!"

"Serena, please!" he begged, ignoring my plea. "Enough is enough. It's over! Drop the scepter! Don't force me to..."

"Force you to do what?" Serena pressed, pushing even more energy into the scepter. "Go on! I want to hear you say it!"

"Serena..."

I take a step forward. "Stop it! Both of you!"

"After what I went through to get you down here so you could even look at Mina, this is the thanks I get," she cut in, anger seeping out of each and every word. "You want to save her? KILL ME THEN! KILL ME LIKE SHE KILLED HER MOTHER!"

"Joey, I'm not worth it! Please stop!" I scream, hoping he'll listen. Even if he loves me, this is too much. Influenced by Geass or not, he can plainly see that I shot Rei three times. She's dead by my hand. At this point, he should know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm not worth saving. I'm a monster...a murderer...

A gasp escapes me...and in an instant...everything changes.

Picture it. December 23rd, 1999

Toshido Aino sits on his knees in silence, waiting for death at the hands of the woman he loves, Cecelia May Ashford. The barrel of her silenced gun remains pressed against his forehead for several minutes. At times the woman's hand steadies around the gun and Toshido braces himself thinking, "The time has come." But then, Cecelia's hands will start to shake again. She'll whisper a curse, take in a few deep breaths, and steady herself before repeating the process.

Eventually though, Toshido opens his eyes to gaze upon his love. Cecelia stares back at him, her expression one of torment. Tears slide down her cheeks slowly.

"Please...don't look at me like that," she whispers. "I have to do this, Toshido. I have to."

He says nothing in reply, but he doesn't stop looking at her either. Instead, knowing that these could be his last moments, his gaze begins to drift to different features of her face, starting with her nose of all things. Snot was slowly leaking out from her nostrils and the tip was turning red from the cold. His eyes then moved to her cheeks, which were also red thanks to the chill in the air. He then noticed her furrowed brows, her puffy eyes glistening with tears, and her blonde hair billowing softly in the chilly breeze.

They had been friends for so many years. Toshido could easily see how much this moment was hurting her. The idea of pulling the trigger on someone she genuinely cared about hurt her deeply, but she was prepared to do anything for her child.

And something about that moved him to speak.

"You're beautiful," he murmurs, glancing at her chapped lips before focusing back on her eyes once more. "So beautiful."

The tears start falling harder. "Stop lying. I am not. And your lame attempt at flirting isn't going to save your..."

She trails off, caught off guard by the look in Toshido's eyes. He wasn't trying to save himself. He genuinely thought she was beautiful with the runny nose and all. To him, her beauty had nothing to do with appearance. It had to do with what was in her heart.

"How can you say that when I'm about to..." she stops speaking and shakes her head. "No. It doesn't matter. This child deserves a good future, and if I don't kill you..."

Cecelia would have said more, but something happened in that instant, causing her to gasp in shock.

In a moment, everything had changed.

December 21st, 2017
11:55 p.m.

The man at the door. Dangerous. Kill him!

My eyes dart to the left slightly, and there, sauntering in through the massive doors is a man with blue hair and coal-black eyes. In an instant his gaze settles on Joey and Serena, and in that gaze I see his intent to kill first and ask questions later.

Seeing the thirst for blood in his dark eyes immediately spurs me to action. With one sharp movement, I fling out my wrist and call back the golden sword. New magic flows through me, strengthening me, healing me as the new threat crosses over the threshold, clapping his hands in applause.

"Bravo! Bravo! What a show! But I don't see my darling E.E. anywhere."

KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL! KILL! KILL!

Joey's expression changes from one of desperation to horror as he steps away from Serena to point the gun at the newcomer. "D.D.! What are you doing here!?"

KILL HIM! He is an ally of E.E.! You couldn't get your revenge on her, but eliminating him is the next best thing. COME ON! KILL HIM! KILL! KILL! KILL!

Serena takes her eyes off of me to look over her shoulder at D.D. "N-no...that means..."

"Yes. Little Ami is dead," he exclaims jovially, waving his fingers through his hair. "Now, where is E.E.?"

KILL!

I don't wait for this guy to finish speaking before moving. The awful voice is back, snarling at me to give into my rage again.

"E.E. is a pile of ash now," Serena answers, her tone one of triumph. "The Sailor Scouts have finally put an end to her vindictive schemes, and you'll meet the same fate, D.D.!"

"Don't antagonize him!" Joey screeched, glaring at her.

KILL! KILL! KILL!

"No. I have to get Joey out of here." I let the sword disappear from my right hand then reach into the pocket of my borrowed coat.

D.D. smirks at Serena. "Is that so?"

Something changes in his eyes and I don't like it, so I withdraw the magic mirror with my right hand then march to Joey's side. Glancing at Serena, I see the fury in her eyes. Whatever interest she had in killing me is gone for the moment, replaced by a need to avenge Ami. Though whispering now, that awful voice from before is still there in the back of my mind taunting me, begging me to give into that delicious blood-lust again.

But I can't. Not this time.

Joey's body stiffens as I wrap my left arm around his waist from behind. "M-Mina...?"

I don't answer immediately, instead I watch Serena as she dashes forward, her scepter bright with magic when she engages D.D. in combat. By the wall, I can see Kara loading up her gun. This guy must not have noticed her when he came in, and judging by the look on her face, she's ready to take advantage of that.

"I'll come right back," I think, pressing my face against Joey's back as I shakily lift the magic mirror in front of us. "No matter what's happened I can't...I can't let them fight this guy alone."

"Mina, what are you doing?"

"Getting you out of here," I reply, realigning my focus to the mirror. "And then I'll..."

Coughs tear through my throat without warning.

This time more blood comes up than ever, the liquid sloshing against the floor by our feet as convulsions rip through my body. When my knees start to buckle, Joey presses his free hand against mine along his stomach.

That lone gesture conveys his feelings. Despite everything he saw, he still loves me, and he has every intention of fighting for me to the end.

I'm not worthy of that kind of devotion.

But he is. That's why...I can't die yet.

His hand tightens on my arm as he pulls the trigger on his gun. The shot is deafening and my vision is spinning too much for me to see what's going on between Serena and D.D. Disoriented from the rapid blood loss, I almost lose my grip on Joey as well as the magic mirror, but he keeps me steady through it, even as he shoots the gun a second time.

This shot hits someone. I hear the bullet tear through flesh.

"Gah! WHEELER!"

D.D.'s enraged screech prompts me to focus as hard as I can on getting Joey out of here. Though my vision is starting to blur, I can see the blue-haired nutcase pivoting on his heel to face us. Blood pours down from his wrist while he moves, but Serena hits him across the face with her scepter before he can begin to make a move toward us. Kara is limping toward the fray now too, her gun loaded and ready.

"Get us out of here," I whisper to the mirror, too exhausted to think of a location. "Please. Take us somewhere safe and quiet."

The golden mirror glows and soon its magic ensnares us in a halo of golden light. Immediate warmth and comfort fills me, but it only lasts for a few seconds.

When the magic disappears, frigid air closes in around us. Joey's breaths come out in harsh rasps as we sink down to the ground together. My own breathing is much quieter, with each intake of oxygen hurting more than the last. An involuntary smile lifts the corners of my lips.

I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve any shred of happiness.

So...I'm thankful for this moment of blissful silence and the warmth of Joey's body heat. His presence eases the excruciating ache in my chest - soothes the turmoil that never seems to leave me.

Just knowing I'm not alone for once brings peace.

But that sense of calm flees from me when I open my eyes. Though the land is covered in snow, seeing the lake brings back the image of my mother floating in its dark depths. Joey must have recognized this place the same instant I did. He was a statue in my arms - immovable and rigid even as the wind beat fiercely against our battered bodies and spirits.

The last time were were this close to one another...was on that night...in this place...

It's all so ironic...

The mirror had taken us to where the nightmare began: Azabu Park.

A small puff of air escapes my lips. It's a humorless, bitter sound of anguish mixed with exhaustion.

"There's no better place for a rotten soul like mine to meet its end."

A/N: And that is the end of this chapter. I don't know when I'll be posting the next one. The rough draft is done, but due to..obvious circumstances... it might be a minute before I update. Best wishes to all of you and God bless you. For those of you that pray, please keep me and my family in your prayers during this time.