Bobby POV
"There's no way you can trust your judgment. Not when you put the job before the man. There's so much more to you than that."
Dr. Gyson's words echoed in my mind as I left her office.
I'd been doing that for so long now that I wasn't sure I knew how to do anything else.
I'd been putting the job before the man.
But lately…lately the urges to do things differently were stronger and harder to ignore.
Maybe it helped, talking through my issues with a shrink.
As much as I resented being forced to attend the sessions, it was getting easier now. Talking with Dr. Gyson was like a mental sparring match, and yet in the end, she usually managed to get her point across.
There's more to me than just the job.
But was she the only one who thought that? Was it all just shrink double-speak, designed to make me keep digging inside of myself to see what else I'd uncover?
I left the outer office and opened the exterior door with the intention of…what, I'm not sure.
For some reason, I felt like finding Eames.
We were between cases, but sometimes she'd let me into her world, even in our off hours.
And I like being in her world.
It makes me feel normal and alive in a way that's usually reserved for work.
As I pulled the door closed behind me, I looked down toward the street, and there she was.
It was like I'd conjured her up by sheer force of will.
I couldn't help but stare, longer than I normally allow myself to, and then I went down the stairs.
I am more than my job, I reminded myself.
Does Eames know that?
More importantly, does Alex know that?
"Alex."
My last rational thought prior to calling out to her caused her given name to roll off of my tongue without additional forethought.
It was as if I called her that on a daily basis instead of reserving it for times of crisis or despair.
She didn't react to my choice of removing that barrier.
And really, she calls me Bobby all the time, so why've I always been so insistent on calling her Eames?
Because I was making it all about the job.
Because I didn't think there was hope for me to have a normal life.
Because by keeping up my emotional drawbridge I was also preserving the fantasy that it was possible even though I was too afraid to take the chance.
And maybe I've just been in therapy for too long.
"So, how'd it go?" she asked me.
"Good," I answered casually, as though the fate of my career hadn't been in the doctor's hands only moments ago.
I was starting to wonder if it really mattered though.
My career, I mean.
Okay, so of course it matters.
Being a cop is what I do. It's what I'm good at.
But would life be over if her decision had gone the other way?
Or would it maybe have forced my hand?
Because if I couldn't work with Alex anymore, I'd have to find another way to keep her in my life.
"Good," she said, and for a moment, we just stood there smiling at each other.
And I suddenly had the overwhelming urge to ask her out on a date.
It's crazy, I know.
She stood there telling me about a call that had just come in, and my mind was running through possibilities about how to ask her.
Because I wouldn't want her to be uncomfortable.
I wouldn't want her to feel like she had to say yes.
"The feds are already on their way," she was saying. "But I thought we might want to…"
"Get there first," we finished together, and I couldn't keep from smiling again.
She gets me, like no one else.
I stood there, taking in the sight of her, and found myself wondering how in the world I've been able to resist her for so many years.
Because she's beautiful.
And sometimes she looks at me like…I don't know.
Like she likes me.
A lot.
It's not like a person looks at a partner.
Or at a sibling, for God's sake.
That was the most ridiculous of lies that I'd attempted to slide past Gyson, and she knew it, too.
We both knew it, but we didn't go back to it.
Instead we skirted around that issue, as if she realized that I was only just now coming to grips with the fact that I have romantic feelings for my partner.
So while we stared at each other, all of these thoughts were rolling through my head and my inner voice was screaming ask her now and yet I remained mute.
Because what if I'm reading this wrong?
What if I ask, and then it changes everything?
She raised her eyebrow at me, but at my continued silence, she finally turned and got into the car.
She sat down and then looked at me expectantly through the open window and it hit me that I'd just blown an opportunity.
I mean, I'm such a chicken.
How hard is it to say, hey Eames, how'd you like to have dinner with me sometime?
Hard.
Because I couldn't say it like that.
We have dinner together all the time. I had to say it in a way that let her know that this time it would be something different.
I needed to let her know that I was looking at her differently.
Or at least, I was finally admitting that I look at her differently.
I wandered around the front of the hood, reworking the words in my mind.
She knew something was up.
She doesn't miss much, especially when it comes to me.
Like I said, she knows me better than anyone.
Which is why I needed to do this because I want to try to have something more with her, because I am more than my job and I want a shot at a normal life, and that has to include Alex.
I got in the passenger seat and then looked over to find her staring at me, and I couldn't stop the rush of excitement that rolled through me from the knowledge of what I was about to do.
And I knew she'd say yes, as soon as I managed to get up the nerve.
I mean, she would, right?
Because I know her better than anyone, and I know that look.
It was inquisitive and open, like maybe she was on the verge of being playful at any moment.
I love that look.
"Let's go," I said encouragingly.
She smiled at me, the most beautiful smile, and then turned to start up the car.
"So, how'd you end it with Gyson?" she asked, throwing me off slightly with the topic.
"I…um…didn't," I answered. "I mean, she signed off on the evaluation, but she also recommended additional sessions, so I'm going to continue the weekly appointments."
"So she's helping," she stated. "That's a good thing."
"Yeah, she said that…I…have a chance at a normal life. If I work on it."
I watched her intently to gauge her reaction, and it was immediate.
"Of course you do," she said as she glanced over at me. "You thought you didn't?"
"I wasn't sure."
"Bobby, the only thing holding you back from a normal life is you," she told me. "If you want something, go after it. Don't keep denying yourself because you think you don't deserve it."
For a moment, I wondered if she could truly read my mind.
With her, it wouldn't surprise me.
Which would mean…she was encouraging the invitation?
"So…what would you say if…I asked you to dinner?" I managed to say before I could think too much more about it.
"I'd say great, because I missed lunch and by the time we finish at the bank, I'm going to be starving."
"Alex…that's not exactly what I meant."
She stopped at a red light and then looked at me quizzically.
Okay, so maybe she can't read my mind.
"That's twice in twenty minutes," she said.
"What?" I asked, and now it was my turn to be confused. I didn't remember it being this difficult to ask a woman on a date.
And true, it's been awhile, but still…
Or maybe it was just because so much was riding on her acceptance.
I really, really wanted this to happen.
I wanted to explore what we might be able to have together.
I wanted to test Danielle's theory about true love.
And I wanted to prove to myself and to Gyson that I wasn't so far away from a normal life. She'd said I could work towards being ready, but I thought maybe I was already ready.
"You called me Alex," she clarified. "You hardly ever do that."
This was it.
There was no backing down now.
I'd come too far.
"Maybe I need to start doing it more often. Like…when we go out to dinner."
"Are you asking me on a date?"
And I might've been panicked at the definitiveness of her words if it weren't for the fact that she was smiling at me when she said them.
"Yes," I replied simply and then I watched her as she turned her focus back to the road since the light had turned green.
"Okay."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Tomorrow night?"
Tomorrow night was Monday.
Not exactly a typical date night, but I didn't want to wait. Aside from that, we weren't anywhere near typical, so it might suit us to have a first date on a Monday night.
"Or we can go tonight," she offered. "I mean, depending on how things go with the case."
"You're just hungry and want a free dinner," I accused lightly, suddenly feeling pounds lighter and years younger.
This wasn't so hard after all.
Had she really just been waiting for me to ask?
That's the last thing she needs is me hitting on her.
That's what I'd said to Dr. Gyson, because at that point in our sessions, I was terrified at the idea that she could see inside of me, and that she knew my secret.
She knew my feelings for my partner.
But just now it hit me that maybe Alex had been waiting for me. She'd been waiting for me to be ready to have a life.
"Let's see how it goes," I said to her, suddenly filled with confidence. "Because I want to do this right."
She came to a stop again at another red light, so she looked over at me, her expression a mixture of question and amusement.
"Right?"
"Well, for starters, I'm going to drive."
"Is it too late for me to back out?" she asked dubiously before breaking into a grin. "Okay, so you're driving."
"And I'm going to pick you up at your place. We're not just going to leave a crime scene and go somewhere. That'll be too much like what we do every day."
"And you want this to be different," she stated, the playfulness gone, having been replaced by understanding.
"I…yeah. I want it to be different. I want us to be different. Only…not. Do you know what I mean?"
"I know exactly what you mean," she replied.
Of course she did.
She usually did.
We looked at each other for a long moment and then she pulled away from the light, driving one more block before finding a place to park just outside of the police blockade.
It looked like maybe we'd beaten the feds, so we were both anxious to go check things out, but she still took one extra moment, putting her hand on my arm to capture my attention.
The touch was light, but it made me very aware of her, and it felt like the air in the car was humming with electricity.
"We'll do this," she said. "Tonight, or tomorrow night…as soon as we have time."
"Okay," I said with a nod, surprised again by her vehemence.
She had been waiting for me.
"Okay, so…" she began, and then she dropped her hand and flashed me a smile. "Are we going to check out this crime scene or what?"
"Let's go."
THE END