Published December 5, 2021

"Reciprocation"

My beloved spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me." ~ Song of Solomon 2:10, New International Version

When Poe and Finn checked in via holo, Rey asked if her leave of absence could be extended a while longer. They were quick to grant her request, encouraging her to take as much time as she needed to recover emotionally as well as physically. If they had any suspicions about the real reason behind it, they did not voice them.

For the next several days, Rey spent most of her time alone, not doing much except thinking.

Her conversation with Ben had been a wakeup call. It stirred up feelings she had long set aside, and inspired new, often conflicting ones. One minute she was giddy, laughing in incredulous delight at the thought that someone could be in love with her—and not just anyone, but someone she loved in return. The next moment, she was distraught, nearly crying with shame for putting Ben through so much turmoil.

She had not been completely blind to his feelings. Truth be told, his interest in her had fueled her anger when they fought each other. She had not wanted to believe he was capable of such soft feelings.

Looking back on her life, Rey realized that, for a long time, she had found it hard to believe that anyone could love her disinterestedly. She had not had much sense of self-worth when she left Jakku. She could have imagined someone having a crush, an infatuation, or a certain fondness for her, but no one knew her well enough to love her for who she was. As much as she had longed to connect with others, she had found it difficult to open up even to those she trusted. It had taken her time, and many shared adventures, to learn how to do so with her closest friends—Finn, Chewbacca, Rose, and Poe among them.

She supposed that if anyone could love her—the good and the bad, the light and the darkness in her—it would be Ben. Through both their Force bond and their friendship, he had gotten to know her more intimately than anyone else. They confided in each other and drew comfort from each other.

But she had never told him how lonely she still felt. She had not seen the point in telling him how her heart ached whenever she saw a reunited family, or a group of children, or a little girl or boy with no one in the world. How could she complain of loneliness to him, when she was surrounded by friends and could go wherever she wanted, while he was condemned to live alone in the same place for the rest of his life?

It had often been in moments of loneliness, when she was alone in her quarters or unable to sleep at night, that the Force connected them. Ben himself had alleviated much of her loneliness, just as she had lessened his.

Rey was deeply impressed that Ben was willing to let her go if her heart was already engaged. That was completely different from the man who had urged her to join his empire, attacked Crait out of spite for her refusal, and relentlessly chased her around the galaxy. He had changed as much—perhaps even more than—she had hoped he would.

Reflecting on their interactions over the past five years, she felt foolish for having underestimated the strength of Ben's feelings, and a bad friend for having kept him waiting for so long.

Rey had spent most of her life waiting. She had waited for her parents to come back to her on Jakku. She had waited for Luke to come to the Resistance's aid. She had waited for Ben to come to his senses and return to the light.

The idea that someone was willing to wait for her … it was flattering, but it also made her feel guilty, because she knew what it was like, vacillating between faith and doubt, hope and despair. She did not want that to continue for him.

To be fair, she had kept her promise to him. She had come back, again and again, albeit less frequently over the years. But was it much better to continue to leave him, giving him enough scraps of attention to nurture his hope of having a future with her?

Perhaps she should have known better than to think he would give up on her. Ben was the son and nephew of war heroes who had been beacons of hope; it might have been in his nature. He had never really given up on her during the war. He had just needed time to let go of his darker impulses and learn how to love selflessly.

Now that the truth was out and the opportunity was before them, Rey found herself afraid. She was afraid to hope that it was possible, afraid to believe it was what he wanted, afraid to want it for herself. And she was afraid of making the wrong choice, or what would seem to others like the wrong choice.

She tried to imagine it: sharing a home with Ben, working and relaxing with him each day, falling asleep in his arms each night, kissing as they had only done twice before, and touching as they had never dared. The whole thing seemed like a paradisiacal fantasy. And yet it was within her grasp, if she had the courage to reach for it.

The situation was deceptively simple, when spun a certain way. If they loved each other and wanted to be together, why should they not? But Rey still had reservations of her own, and she had other duties and interested parties to consider. Her decision would have consequences for everyone else she knew, as well as those she did not.

Most of the galaxy knew that Kylo Ren had been exiled. A select few were aware of Ben's identity, location, and Force connection with Rey. Joining him in exile would be a shock to most, even those who knew the truth about him. She guessed that his parents' friends, like Chewbacca, Lando and Maz, might be happy about it. But how would her other friends and colleagues react? She knew many of them had been personally hurt by the First Order and even by Kylo Ren himself. She could imagine how hurt and angered they might be if she ran off with their former enemy. And if their allies learned that she was romantically involved with a war criminal, she might lose whatever credibility she had gained through her service.

It would also be a logistical challenge if Rey gave up her role as a mediator between Ahch-To and the Resistance. Perhaps, unlike Ben, she would still be free to leave and travel if she wished; but someone would have to transport her each way, if he was still not allowed access to off-world transportation.

And what would become of the projects she had begun, or hoped to do in the future? Would she still be able to liberate slaves, or teach Force-sensitive children? If not, was it right for her to abandon those causes in order to satisfy other, more personal desires?

Rey knew all too well how it felt to be abandoned. She could not bear the thoughts of abandoning Ben on the one hand or untold numbers of strangers on the other.

Usually, when Rey was grappling with intense emotions or trying to make a difficult decision, she would turn to Ben for advice. But she could not ask him to advise her when he was the source and subject of her confusion.

Perhaps the Force saw the irony of her situation, and decided to make it easier for her: Rose happened to come by for a visit. She did not need the Force to notice how emotional Rey was, and having seen the way Ben interacted with her after the mine rescue, she was quick to guess the cause.

Rose waited patiently for Rey to unfold details, bit by bit. She asked many questions, some for her own understanding and others for Rey to reflect on. Retracing her history with Ben helped her to articulate what drew her to him, and what made her hesitate to attach herself to him even after he returned to the light.

"Of course, it made sense that you wouldn't commit to anything right away," Rose reasoned. "You'd only interacted in the context of war. You saw each other at your best and worst, but you didn't know what you were like in normal circumstances."

"But we do now," Rey said. She related how she had so often turned to Ben for emotional support, and how he had helped her in her historical research and spiritual growth. "We talk all the time, about almost everything. Even aside from the dyad, we're closer to each other than to anyone else."

"Do you wish you could be that close with anyone else?"

Rey had never thought of that. She had never met anyone else with whom she wanted to be so intimate. She had certainly not welcomed the closeness of the dyad when they first discovered it, but that had been primarily because it was with her enemy, someone she hated, or at least ought to hate. Now, though …

"No," she confessed. "I like that it's with him."

Rose's tone was gentle, her expression curious. "Do you feel guilty about it? About your feelings, or your relationship?"

That gave Rey several moments' pause. She might have felt that way in the beginning, when they were supposed to be fighting each other. Since then she had become defensive of Ben and of their positive interactions.

"I do feel … a little conflicted … about having such a good relationship with him, when everyone else … well … he hasn't treated other people as well as me."

They exchanged grimaces, knowing how much of an understatement that was.

"But then, I remember that other people generally haven't treated him very well, so I can't fully blame him for the things he did. It kind of goes in a circle in my mind." She shrugged one shoulder. "Then I tell myself it doesn't matter anymore, because he's doing the best he can in his circumstances, and the best thing I can do is support him."

"From what I've heard, you've done a good job of that," Rose offered. "But I can see why he'd be concerned about you feeling bad for him. You shouldn't enter a relationship, or keep one going, just because you feel pity or guilt. It's not your job to make him happy."

"I know that. But I want to. It makes me happy. And if I don't do it … who will?" Rey sighed. "But then I ask myself the same thing about my work. There are still so many slaving operations to shut down, people to liberate and resettle, Force-sensitives to train—we've only just started to find enough to teach as a group."

"There will always be more of that work to do," Rose pointed out. "That shouldn't stop you from living your own life. You've done so much for other people over the past few years, I'd say you deserve to do something you want for a change."

There was that word again: want. "Jedi are supposed to be selfless," Rey reminded her.

"Well, if you marry him, you would be doing something selfless. Either way, you would have to give up one thing, and dedicate yourself to the other. The only difference is that whether you live and give love for one person, or many."

That was an interesting way of looking at it. "But everyone looks up to me," Rey countered. "How can I just walk away from everything I've started?"

Rose fiddled with her Haysian pendant, thinking. "What if you had an apprentice?"

"What?" Rey had only ever heard that term used in the context of Jedi masters and their students, who remained in that partnership for years.

"You could train someone—or even more than one person—to take over your work. That would be a way to ease out of your responsibilities. Plus, even if you quit today, we wouldn't be completely unmoored. Finn is basically a Jedi now, and there are some ex-slaves and ex-stormtroopers who have stuck around. We'd all share the load."

Rey could see merit in the idea. But she was still hesitant on one point. "I can't see Poe and the others just letting me walk away."

Rose made a sound of grim acknowledgement. "Maybe not without warning. But that might be a reason to decide sooner rather than later. Because if you want to quit, you'll need time to make arrangements, prepare people … say goodbye, if you need to."

A pang gripped Rey at that last part. After working with the Resistance for the past several years, it was difficult to imagine leaving them. But Rose caught her look at gave her hand a squeeze. "I'm sure it wouldn't be forever. Finn and I would visit you, and I'm sure a lot of others would too."

Rey believed her friend, but she was uncertain about the others, especially Finn. "Can you really speak for him?"

Rose smiled mysteriously. Rey looked at her with raised brows. "What—are you guys officially—"

"We've been talking about it. We're waiting for the right moment to announce it. Poe will be the groomsman, of course … and I was wondering if you would be my bridesmaid?"

"What's that?" Rey asked blankly.

"Oh—have you not been to a wedding before?"

"No."

"Well, a bridesmaid helps the bride get ready. I always thought my sister Paige and I would be each other's, but … well, you're the closest thing I have to a sister now."

Rey was amazed, and humbled. "If you're sure that's what you want … I would be honored."

"Great!" Rose brightened. "Now you'll be able to see what a wedding looks like—maybe that will help you decide for yourself!"

Rey had to laugh. Her heart rose at the thought of sharing such a happy occasion with some of her closest friends. But it was tugged back down as she realized that this was another experience that Ben would not get to share with her. Whichever path she took, she would always be choosing between being with him and being with the rest of the galaxy.

After Rose's encouraging visit, Rey decided to take a chance with Finn, her first and best friend. She suspected Rose may have tipped him off about the state she was in, because he came to visit just a few days later.

They chatted over Gatalentan tea for a while, but then slipped into a somewhat uneasy silence, wondering how to broach whatever topic was weighing on her mind. Finn could sense her nervousness, and Rey could sense his concern for her.

Finally she ventured, "Can I tell you something in confidence—something I'd rather not have Poe know about yet?"

"Sure."

"I talked to Ben recently."

That much, at least, was not terribly surprising or upsetting to Finn. "How's he doing?"

Rey paused and considered before answering. "He's been having nightmares about what happened—or what almost happened."

Finn's brow furrowed in surprise. "Really? That bad for him too?"

"Well, I'm one of the few friends he has left, so … losing me would have been very hard."

"Guess that makes sense," Finn conceded, and then took a sip of tea.

Rey rotated her cup in her hands. "We, um … we had a long conversation, a few days ago."

That was when Finn became wary. "What about?"

"About … him and me. Our bond."

"How did that go?"

She swallowed thickly, braced herself, and confessed, "He … told me he loves me."

"Oh." Finn blinked a few times. At first he tried to remain composed, neutral, but after a moment his face betrayed him: he was nonplussed. "Is that … new? I mean—has he never said that before?"

"No. Maybe it was silly, but until then, we never actually talked about it—whether we were friends, or something more."

"Huh." After a moment Finn asked, "Do you believe him?"

"Yes. We can't really lie to each other," Rey added. "We can sense each other's emotions, sometimes even thoughts."

Finn nodded, as though acknowledging a bit of information in a strategic meeting—he could process particular facts even if he did not yet understand the big picture.

After a few moments of avoiding each other's gaze, Finn broke the silence. "You love him too, don't you?"

Rey looked up in surprise. Finn had not spoken to accuse or condemn her, and he was not exactly sad. His eyes had a knowing look, and his mouth curled in a rueful half-smile.

She nodded and answered simply, "Yes."

He nodded back, his expression resigned. "Okay."

"'Okay?'" she repeated, uncomprehending. "What does that mean?"

"I mean, okay, I respect that." Finn raised his hands in a gesture akin to surrender. "I'm not happy about it … but if you want that with him, I won't stand in your way."

Now tears pricked Rey's eyes for a very different reason than they had lately. "Oh, Finn …" Rey leaned over and hugged him. They held each other for longer than they had in years. His friendship was one of the things she was most afraid of losing, but now she saw that she had underestimated him. "Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome," Finn murmured. When they pulled back, he added, "I mean that. You're always welcome with us, but if you want something different—well, that's okay too."

"And we won't stop being friends?"

Finn scoffed, grinning. "Not in a million years."

After that, their conversation turned to other topics, including how to help their potential students and former stormtroopers if there was a change in leadership. But everything seemed brighter and easier to Rey, knowing that she had her friend's support.

"Be with me."

It had been years now since Rey last recited those words. It had only worked for her on one occasion, connecting her with the spirits of all the past Jedi. But she did not need that many of them to hear her now, sitting cross-legged on her bed. There was only one she wanted to talk to, who might be able to advise her about both her work and her relationship.

Leia Organa had spent her entire adult life serving the galaxy. Rey could only wonder how she had managed to balance public service with her personal life. Then again, from what little Leia and Ben had said about each other in Rey's presence, it may not have been much of a balance after all.

Rey wanted to know more, and she wanted, with all her heart, to know what Leia thought of her in this respect. She had every right to doubt her qualifications—what did an orphan scavenger know about families? How could she hope to be a good wife or mother when she had had no example to learn from?

Tears leaked from Rey's closed eyes, and after several minutes of repetition she found herself changing the mantra. "Be with me … if not for my sake, then for your son. Your family."

She was startled when the answer came, like an echo in a cave: "You're as much my family as he is."

Rey gasped slightly as she opened her eyes. "Leia."

Her old mentor, who had been considerably beautiful in life, looked radiant in this manifestation. Leia's smile was even more affectionate than Rey remembered it.

"Thank you for answering," Rey said at once.

"Thank you for taking care of Ben," Leia returned.

Rey shrugged modestly. "It was the least I could do."

"No." Leia sat down on the edge of Rey's bunk. "You've done far more than what justice or mercy or common decency called for. Do you realize the impact you've had on him?"

"I'm not sure," Rey admitted.

"When people only see you as something they can use, you start to see yourself, and others, the same way. Snoke used Ben for years, but you showed him a different way. You showed him love. You've helped him believe that he's capable of loving, and worthy of being loved."

Rey bowed her head, blushing slightly. "I may have succeeded too well."

"What makes you say that?"

She steeled herself before meeting Leia's gaze. "I think Ben is in love with me."

Leia raised her brow. "You think?"

"Yes. Well, no. I know he is. I think I've known all along."

"And how do you feel about him?"

Rey stared at her hands in her lap, willing herself not to blush. "I love him too—in the same way. I didn't realize how much until now. And I don't know what to do about it." She looked up at Leia again. "I wanted to ask about some things. You and Han were separated a lot of the time. How did you make that work?"

Leia's eyes were sorrowful. "It didn't work, Rey. We acted like it did, but we never found the balance we needed. It didn't work for my biological parents, either."

"Anakin and Padmé?" Rey had learned as much as she could about their secret marriage—not that there was much to find. Ben had probably learned more than she could by talking to Anakin through the Force.

"They both wanted to retain their position, thinking it was their duty to play the roles expected of them. But they also wanted a life together. In trying to have both, they lost both."

As Rey processed this, a different look came into Leia's eyes, as though she were remembering something from her own experience. "It took me years to figure out how my adoptive parents managed their relationship. I thought they were just lucky in love, and had found the right person. Now, I think it was because they worked hard at their marriage and at raising me well. Family came first—at least until the Rebellion, and even then we managed to stay connected, working together." She sighed. "I suppose if they had lived, they would have helped me navigate that with Han and Ben."

"How did that go?" Rey asked softly.

Leia's nostalgic tone turned to one of regret. "After the war, I thought I needed to put the galaxy's needs before my own desires, or even my own family's needs. So I stayed in politics and served in the new Senate. Han tried to be supportive, but staying in one place—especially among politicians—always got to him after a while. We didn't want to hold each other back, so we lived apart while working on our different interests. It never felt like we were doing enough for each other or our careers. And it ended up impacting Ben more than either of us realized. If I had done what I wanted, and what my family needed, Ben might never have turned. It may not have been enough to prevent the First Order from rising, but it could have saved many lives … and spared Ben untold suffering."

"You shouldn't blame yourself," Rey said, automatically wanting to defend her master, even if the censure came from her.

"Not alone," Leia conceded. "But we all had a hand in Ben's fall. It would have been better for all of us if we had committed to living together, as a family."

Leia turned to face Rey directly. "It may not be easy, but if you want to be together—if you truly believe that's what is best for both of you—then you'll sacrifice what you must in order to make that relationship work. That may feel like a burden, but it's also a gift. And if you can't or don't want to make that sacrifice, then it may be better not to try."

Rey bit her lip as she turned that advice over in her mind. Another question nagged at her, even stronger than it had been during that year when Leia trained her. They had only spoken about Ben in the aftermath of the Battle of Crait, and Rey had not had the heart to give all the details of their tumultuous relationship at that time.

"Would you have let me?" Rey blurted out. Leia regarded her evenly as she struggled to find the right words. "If you were still here—or if Ben had come back sooner—would you have approved of me being with him?"

Leia's smile was somewhat crooked. "As your master, I might have thought you could do better." Her eyes softened. "But as his mother, I would have been delighted for him, and happy to call you my daughter."

Rey blinked back tears, and her heart swelled with a kind of love she had seldom felt in her life: the love of a child for a parent.

Leia clasped her hand, ignoring her amazement at the physical contact. "I have just two pieces of advice—and I hope you'll follow them no matter what you choose regarding Ben."

"What is it?"

"If you have a family, put them first. Make sure they, and everyone else, know that they are your priority. Everything else in your life will flow from that."

Rey nodded slowly, locking this resolution in her heart. "What's the second thing?"

Leia smiled. "Follow your bliss."

In the end, Rey made her decision slowly, almost unconsciously. In the midst of her musing, she realized that her heart already knew the answer, and only her mind had to give the final word.

And as soon as she decided what she would say to Ben, the Force deigned to connect them. Rey was glad for it; she did not want to leave him in uncertainty any longer.

She turned to face him. "Ben."

"Rey." He stood up from where he had been sitting.

"How—how are you?"

"I'm fine. You?"

"I'm okay. I, um—I wanted to talk with you."

He looked at her with a neutral expression, though she could sense his inner nervousness. "Go on, then. I'm listening."

"I couldn't stop thinking about you—about our conversation. And … I owe you an apology."

That confused him, and put him on his guard. "For what?"

"For not being clearer, sooner, about … how I feel. I think … well, we both know … having feelings and acting on them are two different things. And the reason I haven't wanted to think or talk about mine is … I wasn't sure whether it was right to act on it. And I didn't want to make it even harder for us to separate if we needed to."

"So … have you come to a conclusion?"

"Sort of. With some help." At his questioning look, Rey explained, "I spoke with your mother."

Ben was startled. "You saw her?"

"I called for her, and she appeared. I think it was because … I needed her, more than I have before."

"What did she say?"

Rey smiled softly at both the memory of the mother and the sight of the son. "She gave me her blessing, and some advice."

Ben was pleased by this first thing, but cautiously curious about the second. "What kind of advice?"

"Things she learned from her mistakes. Things about having a family, and a home." Rey wrung her hands in nervousness. "I never told you this, but … I realized something on Exegol, and you've proven it again and again since then."

"What?"

"Palpatine told me I had no family but him. He was wrong. You are my family. But not because your family took me in. Because you came for me. When we stood together, it felt right—like we were supposed to be together, as partners, all along. When I woke up, after you brought me back … when we kissed … that felt like home. When I'm with you on Ahch-To, or when you hold me through the bond, there's nowhere in the galaxy I'd rather be. You are my home."

He walked closer to her, stopping only a foot away, and she saw that his eyes were moist. When he spoke, his voice was just as choked as hers was. "As you are mine."

Rey looked up at him. "I don't know how this is going to work. There are things I need to do, and things we need to talk about. But for now … I think we could try a courtship."

Ben quirked an eyebrow at this term, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Courtship?"

Uncertainty made Rey falter a little. "I think that's what it's called on most planets. Two people spend time together, and talk about getting married, and decide whether that would be a good idea?" She looked to him for confirmation.

Now he smiled fully. "Yes. That sounds about right."

Rey smiled back, some of her giddiness returning. It was like an echo of how she had felt with him on Ajan Kloss, only now there was nothing bitter mingled with the sweetness of this development: a new freedom to express a love that had already been there for some time.

Ben raised his hand slowly, and she mirrored the gesture, reaching out toward him until their fingertips touched. Then they slid their palms together, so that they were grasping each other firmly. Their eyes met over their clasped hands.

"Rey …" Ben gulped, looking vulnerable but determined. "I love you more than anyone else alive." His eyes pleaded with her in a way she recognized from long ago. "Will you let me show it from now on?"

"Yes." Rey stepped closer, closing what little distance was left between them. "And … I won't give you any reason to doubt that I love you."

Ben took a ragged breath through his mouth. Rey leaned closer, her lips parted, her eyes never leaving his.

They had risked kisses on the hand or cheek during Rey's visits, or in moments when the Force connected them, but they had not kissed on the mouth since the day she brought him to Ahch-To. There was always the possibility that they might vanish just as suddenly as they had appeared to each other. But now, with their hands clasped between them, they felt secure enough in each other's presence to close the distance between their lips.

It was different from the last time, when they had been looking for an outlet to express their overwhelming emotions. Now, they were more tentative, since they were unsure how long this contact through the Force would last. But as it continued uninterrupted, they felt confident enough to slide their arms around each other and deepen the kiss.

A thought passed back and forth between them: How had they forgotten how good this felt? How had they managed to go so long without this warmth and softness and closeness?

When they finally broke apart for air, they still clung to each other, breathing heavily, unwilling to let go just yet. Both were afraid that parting would end the connection, and they did not want this moment to end—not until they agreed on what would happen afterward.

"Thank you," Ben whispered, learning his forehead against hers. "Thank you, Rey."

"You're welcome. Thank you."

They smiled at each other, shy and happy and brave.

Ben pushed a few stray hairs back from her face. "So where do we go from here?"

Rey caught his hand with her own. "I think we need to talk more and figure things out."

An idea brought new hope to his eyes, lighting his face with excitement. "Will you come here?"

She looked at him, then nodded as she thought about it. "Yes. Yes, I should—I will." With that decided, she placed her hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes. "I'll borrow a ship and come as soon as I can. Wait for me."

"I will."

She touched his face lightly, offering a small smile. "I love you."

He smiled wider than Rey had seen in a long time, as though he was as happy as he could be. "I love you too." He kissed her forehead, and the assurance of soon seeing each other again enabled them to let go.

Author's Notes

Multiple people in history, including Confucius and Mother Teresa, have expressed the idea that in order to have peace in the world, one should work toward peace in the family. I see this idea conveyed in stories like Star Wars and Voltron: Legendary Defender, where a worldwide or galaxy-wide conflict reflects the conflict within a family.

The idea of "following your bliss" is from Joseph Campbell, as expressed in his interviews with Bill Moyers. It does not simply mean doing what you want, but identifying your passion and giving yourself over to it, which will allow you to meet and serve others in your community.

Points to anyone who could spot the musical references in this chapter! Let me know in your reviews.