Accountable (Amtrac)
Santana's POV
My license to drive had never fully been taken away from me, not according to the state. It had just been discouraged by my doctors but after getting my artery fixed, I hadn't had a single seizure or stroke.
That didn't stop my sisters from converging on me at dinner on Saturday night.
It was all going well, they had told me that they were just making sure to see me before I left to Ohio for however long.
And I was crazy happy to see them all in one place.
Sandra had even invited Ari, I hadn't seen her since before rehab and of course, I was happy because she saw Britt every day.
I was playing peek-a-boo with Daniela while we waited for dinner to be served when Ari plopped down at the head of the table so that she was in my line of sight.
"I missed you." She said with a sweet smile.
"You did?"
"I did."
"How's the show going?" I asked once Daniela began to pick at the Cheerios that were spread on her the tray of her highchair. They were her very favorite, go figure.
"The show is fine. Scripts are finalized, so it's just a lot of rehearsal...we have done a few workshops and some off-Broadway previews. They were well received."
"That's great and B?"
"She's still off of her meds. At one point she thought we were back together...you and me...tried to fight me."
"Of course she did." I brushed Daniela's curls from her face, trying to keep my hands busy.
"I'm seeing someone."
I'd been looking at my daughter but those words got my attention.
"You are?"
"I am and when the time is right, I hope you'll be willing to meet her?"
I reached over and squeezed Ari's hand.
"I can't wait." She relaxed and then winked at me.
We were well into dinner and I was regaling everyone with the stories of Craig and his plan to sabotage me, when Sandra put her fork down loudly and then everyone else followed suit.
My hackles were up.
"What?" I asked Sandra.
"Me and the girls were talking." She started and then paused. I looked around the table and could see the concern on Celia's face and the stoney look on Mari's.
"What did I do?"
"Nothing yet, we just wanted to make sure that you're physically ready to be out there on your own."
"I'm sober." I argued.
"We know and we're proud of you going to stay with Sue for the first little while you're there until you get on a schedule."
"Not only that, I'm studying for my r-real estate license. I have 30 hours left before I can t-take the exam."
"And how do you plan to get around?" Celia asked.
"I have cars there."
"Exactly." Mari cut in. "You haven't had a follow-up in months."
"Okay, I can do that when I get there." I didn't see the problem.
"Actually, I took the liberty to clear my Monday schedule so that we can get you in to see your doctors. Just to clear you before you start driving again."
"Oh, so basically you want me to st-stay here another day?"
"Yes." They said in unison. I could see they were waiting for me to explode like I used to when anyone tried to control my life without my permission but I was managing expectations.
I could either explode and act like a child or I could humor them.
They weren't the only ones who were nervous about my driving, I was too. I mean, I'd have both my babies with me and I wouldn't put them in danger, ever again if I could help it.
"Okay, I'll move my flight then. You'll c-come with me to get this monitor removed, right?" I looked at Sandra and she nodded.
"Yes, then I thought we could check on your house?"
She wasn't saying something and Ari's sharp intake of breath made me realize that I needed to make my presence known.
"Okay."
"And maybe we should leave the baby with Mari for a bit, is that okay sis?" Sandra asked Mari.
"Sure, Norah and Daniela need to stick together."
I had made it an entire week without Sandra seeing my arm and I should have known from my history that the truth will out at some point.
We were headed back to Long Island, back to rehab to see Officer Coleman and Doc so that I could get cleared before I went to see the judge. I was adjusting a nursing pad in my bra when my sweater sleeve slipped down at a red light.
"That looks pretty bad." She said to me and I looked at her, then down at my arm where the flesh was a blackish purple almost seven days later. I'd covered it up with foundation but obviously not as well as I thought.
"Looks worse than it is."
"Have you talked to her?"
"No."
"Do you plan on it?"
"When she comes to me. For now, I think it's all about being s-sober and making sure the kids are on track."
"That's good to hear." She was holding back as she stared blankly ahead. I touched her thigh. "I've been so worried about everything, ever since Brenda, I need to constantly know what's going on with all of you."
"Sis, I'm gonna make her work for it. No more excuses."
She let out a sigh and then wiped at her eyes.
"Good. I just, get so scared that I'll lose another sister. I just, can't imagine those kids without their mom in this world. Seeing Brenda's boys missing her is so gutwrenching. Isaac and Daniela are just babies if Britt were to lose control...God."
"Shhh...it's okay. I won't let that happen. I plan to live a long life."
"You don't know that, Santana. Tomorrow isn't promised."
"I know." I said, turning from her and looking out the window but I kept my hand on her thigh. She covered it with her own sweaty hand and squeezed.
"You know more than most. I forget that sometimes."
"I never do."
I peed in a cup and put it on the shelf, making quick work of it while my sister chatted with Doc and Officer Coleman. I was washing my hands when I felt the first wave of nausea hit me...then another.
But I managed to keep it together in front of everyone while Officer Coleman, took off my ankle monitor and scanned it before tossing it in a drawer.
"You're done with that...you can drop your leg."
I put my foot on the ground and felt a little naked without my monitor. In a perverse way, I missed it momentarily but then I sat in the chair next to the desk while Officer Coleman gave me my guidelines and that feeling passed.
"You have completed your 127 days of mandated rehab and probation. My report states that you performed exemplary and it is my recommendation that you are rehabilitated."
"Thank you."
"The center, though works outside of probation and courts. Will you be able to fulfill the contract that you signed upon admission?"
I felt winded as I looked from her to Doc and back again.
"Contract?" And then Marco's words came floating back to me, read everything before you sign it.
And I hadn't.
Officer Coleman dug out a piece of paper that had my signature, large and looping on the bottom and began to read.
"Upon my completion of rehabilitation, I will attend regular meetings and maintain weekly contact with my sponsor. I will build a routine and report it back to my counselor on a monthly basis for one calendar year. I will obtain and maintain gainful employment within 30 days of my completion of the program and will begin the transition to a therapist of my choosing. If I violate this contract, I understand that it constitutes a severance with the program and all program support."
"So in other words, she stays in contact and gets a job or she loses both Dr. Clover and CiCi?"
"Yes."
"Good to know." I said and shrugged. "I have never had a job but I am w-working on my real estate license. Does that count?"
"As long as you do something with it, Santana." Doc added. "I'm very proud of you for taking that initiative. It's difficult for some wealthy people to get the concept of needing something to channel their time into that is healthy and constructive."
"You've taught me a lot."
"It's true, my sister came in here with a sense of entitlement a mile wide." I scowled at her. "But after convincing me to buy property in Lima, then leaving me with the job of maintaining it. I suggested she take it over when she gets there...she came to me with an idea to do more than that. She took over my office and began taking online courses right away. She almost has all the required hours of courses to take the exam. It can take people months but she threw herself into those courses like I've never seen. She's different. Thanks to this place."
After all the sappiness and a video call with the judge with Officer Coleman by my side, I was cleared of all charges and free to go.
Doc gave me the biggest hug and then handed me a sheet of paper.
"My cell is on there, text me anytime and I will make sure to get back to you. Okay?"
"Thanks."
"I believe in you, Santana. Now it's time for you to really believe in yourself. Okay?"
"And manage my ex-expectations?"
"Precisely."
"Thanks, Doc."
Walking out of the rehab for a second time, this time with my ankle lighter and a new set of guidelines to follow, I felt secure.
"Ready to go check on the house?"
"What time is it?" I asked my sister as I climbed into the car.
"Almost lunchtime."
"I'm going to call B."
"Really?"
"You'll be with me the whole time."
"Okay. Call her."
I took a deep breath and then hit video chat on my phone.
In all honesty, I didn't expect her to answer but then I was staring at her blue eyes.
"Hey." She said, then she put the phone back a bit and I could see that she was sitting at her desk in her office.
"Hi. I leave tomorrow. I'm in the city, do you have time to meet me at home?"
"Home? As in the place that Sandra kicked out of?"
I looked over at my sister and she shrugged.
"Yes."
She sighed and bit her bottom lip, then she nodded.
"Okay. Did you eat yet?"
"No. Sandra and I are just leaving rehab."
"Again?"
"I had to get my monitor off."
"Right, uh...I can grab food from the cart. What are you in the mood for, sweet or salty?"
"Sweet."
"Okay. I'm going to finish up here and I'll meet you outside, I don't have the keys."
"Right, okay. I'll let you know when we cross the bridge so you know when to head out."
"Perfect. See you in a bit."
"You kicked her out? Why am I j-just hearing about this?" I asked my sister as she drove eerily quiet after the call.
We had been driving for about thirty minutes and would hit the bridge in another ten, I needed to know what the hell I was up against when it came to Brittany. I didn't want to fix things with her...and I would wait for her to come to me. This was just me checking to see where her head is before I go since the last time I left for Lima, I came back to her nearly killing me and Daniela.
"I did. I had my reasons and it is probably for the best."
"Ari was there too, though."
"She still is. I only kicked out Brittany and told Ari that if she wanted to stay, she needed to be the only person there."
"She a-agreed to that?"
"Yes, she moves back into the dorms soon and didn't want to worry about finding a place to stay. She has been considering going back to Lima with you for a few weeks though."
"She is?"
"Last I heard, she may have changed her mind and just didn't feel the need to tell me. Either way, it's your house...well Izzy's house but also yours and I only have so much pull. Brittany needed to go her own way."
"Where is she staying?"
"Don't know, don't care."
"Sis...come on. You know she's not well."
"You said no excuses, Santana. I expect you to hold to that, you are still gaining trust back with the family, which includes me. I need you to say what you mean and mean what you say. Entiendes?"
"Yeah. I get it."
Sandra detoured through Brooklyn and picked up Celia, she says just for the hell of it but I knew it was more for backup. I tried not to be annoyed but I couldn't help it. I took a deep breath though and tried to manage my emotions and see things from my sisters' perspective.
Britt had hurt me before and with me getting back on my feet, they weren't going to jeopardize my sobriety.
So I just took many deep breaths and tried to sink myself into a game on my phone but then Celia didn't know how to let well enough alone.
"Is that a bruise? Where'd that come from?" Ceily asked as we sped toward the bridge.
"I'm handling it. Please don't m-make things worse." I said as I finished texting B to let her know we were crossing the bridge. "I know more than anyone what I've b-been through."
"She's right, Ceily, we are meeting Brittany at the house. We'll be the buffer but we won't attack her. Got it."
"That's fine, as long as Britt isn't in any rooms with Ana, alone. I won't make that mistake again." Celia said and I just nodded, knowing that nothing I could say would make her calm down. She, of all people, was in her right to be cautious.
By the time we got to the house, my boobs were hard as rocks since I hadn't seen the baby in a few hours, as we pulled into the driveway towards the garage, I didn't see B at the stairs, so my plan was to go straight inside and pump until she came.
Only, when we walked into the kitchen, there Britt sat with Ari drinking coffee.
I froze at the kitchen door, the first difference in the room was that my pristine grey walls were this gruesome yellow color.
"You painted." I said to B and she looked around.
"Oh yeah...I forgot about that. Do you hate it?"
"Kinda, yeah." I said. My sisters nudged me further into the kitchen and then shut the door behind us.
"It's a party." Britt said sarcastically.
No one said a word in response.
"I need to pump...mind if I sit?" I said to Ari and she scooted over, which left me sitting directly across from my wife.
"You should eat while you pump." She said looking me over. I nodded and pulled off my sweater, Ari looked away blushing as if she hadn't been all up on this a few months ago but I just ignored her.
My sisters were sitting at the kitchen island talking about something on Sandra's phone. I attached my pump to both my boobs, hissing when they suctioned because the baby had been going hard on my nipples since she cut some new teeth.
Britt opened up the bag, pulled the sandwich out, and set it up for me before sliding it over.
Then I could see her staring...but I knew it wasn't at my boobs, she was glaring at my arm.
"I'm sorry." She said, her eyes moving towards mine. "There's no excuse. I promised you I would never touch you in anger again, I broke that promise. I'm so so sorry."
I could feel the eyes of my sisters on us but I just took a bite out of my sandwich and nodded at B.
"Do you need us to leave you alone?" Ari asked.
Britt spoke first.
"No. I lost that right. That's why her sisters are here." She said to Ari.
I nodded again and kept eating, kept trying to hold back my emotions.
Something about her was off...she was being diplomatic but I could tell from the fire in her eyes that she was still off her medication. It threw me off but I tried to just focus on one thing at a time... at this moment two things. Pumping and eating.
But then the sandwich was gone and my stomach was growling.
"Is there anything else?" I asked her.
"Um...I want you to know that I miss my kids." Britt said.
"No, I meant...food." Her eyes went wide and she shook her head.
"That's usually more than enough."
"Not anymore," I responded as I focused on closing the bottles that I'd filled and then cleaning myself with a napkin. It wasn't until I was completely covered up again that I dared to look at my wife. "I've changed." I said
"I know, baby." She said and it stung.
The memory of that asshole calling her baby just a week ago was enough to make my walls go up.
I had shoved the bottles into the cooler bag and walked it to the refrigerator before washing my hands. My back was to the room and that's when the tears came but when she stepped behind me, to comfort me I spun so fast that she stumbled back.
"Sorry." She said, then she looked pale and held up a finger before running out of the room.
"What the hell was that?" I looked to Ari and she just shrugged.
"She's been sick the last few days, we ate some suspect cart food. I've been a little queasy myself." Ari lied and I just nodded along.
"I am going to walk around, maybe grab a few things for my tr-trip home." I said to the room a large before pushing out into the dining room.
Again another color, bright pink this time. It was enough to make me want to hurl, what had she been doing, honestly?
Britt came out of the guest room with red-rimmed eyes and a red face.
"Sorry. Um...do you need anything for your trip or maybe do you want to see what else I changed?"
"Sure."
Someone hovered behind me as I followed Britt into the guest room, my black wallpaper was intact but now there was a ceiling fan where my chandelier had been.
I turned back towards the door and bumped right into Britt. Her body was pressed against mine and she slid her arms around my waist loosely. We were close enough to kiss and she looked tempted even though Sandra was standing just a few feet away.
"Do you remember what you said to me about exploring before you went away?" She whispered.
"Don't. B." I whispered, my hormones on overdrive as she held me.
"Look, I already know that you'll do what you want. I just am asking that you not post it on socials."
"Um okay." I went to pull away but her hands were locked behind me. "Let me go." I said and she dropped her hands.
"Why did you even want me here?" She asked.
"I wanted to t-talk about the kids."
"Ok, what about them?"
"I didn't want you to lose it like l-last time."
"Oh. Well, we have a few weeks off coming up. My parents are clearing out the house, so I will probably head home too. I can take them then and give you some alone time."
"That's...yeah. That works."
"Good. Do you need anything from me? What can I do to make this transition easier for you?"
"Tomorrow, I need to get tests done here in the city. Do you have c-capacity to watch Daniela for a little while?"
"Oh, you're not leaving tomorrow?"
"No, Tuesday night."
"Yeah, I can move stuff and spend the day here with her."
"Perfect. Thanks, B."
"She's my daughter, despite my stupidity last week. It will be good to spend time with her before you go."
"I should be back by dinner time."
"Good, I'll talk to the bosses and Tony today." She looked at her watch and then whistled, "Ari?!"
Ari came in a few seconds later with Celia, they were chuckling about something.
"Sup?"
"Just got a text, we need to head back." Then she was looking at me again. "Can I hug you for real?"
Sandra cleared her throat but I ignored her, Britt wasn't going to try anything with everyone watching. This time when her arms wrapped around me, my body relaxed against hers. I tried to ignore the fact that she smelled like him and the way her body felt different. My mind had so many suspicions but I wasn't going to pry.
We held each other for a moment longer and then she kissed my forehead before pulling away.
"If it's okay with you, I'll just come back here with Ari tonight so I'll be here when you get here tomorrow." She said to Sandra.
"That's fine." Sandra gritted through her teeth.
"Make sure you pump plenty of milk, okay?" She said to me.
"I plan on it."
I watched her leave with Ari and then I grabbed the closest breakable thing and flung it on the floor, then I did it again and again. My sisters stood by in horror as I yanked pictures from the wall and shattered them...when I headed for the flat screen, Celia stepped in.
"Whoa! That's Quinn's!"
I was breathing heavily as she stepped between me and the flatscreen, our eyes met and then I crumpled against her.
"Hey, are you okay?" Sandra asked.
"Yeah, I just needed to g-get my frustration out instead of turning it inwards. L-Like before. I want to stay here until it's meeting time...will you two go with me?"
I crunched over the broken glass and walked back towards the kitchen.
When I pulled open the fridge, expecting it to look just as putrid as the walls, I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was full of food and didn't have a funny smell.
It was definitely evident that Ari had been staying here. She was stuck between me and Britt, loyal to me because of who I was and loyal to Britt because she was both her boss and the person that had saved her life.
She'd be here for another month and I wanted her to know just how much I appreciated her.
I pulled out food and my favorite pots and pans.
My sisters jumped right in cutting onions and peppers while I seasoned meat.
Before I knew it, Mari was showed up with the girls, and the music was turned up.
It wasn't until Saul came in to get a trash bag and a broom that I remembered the mess I had made in the living room.
No one questioned it, we just cooked and made the house feel like mine again.
By the time that the food was done, it was almost time for the earlier meeting at the church, I pumped more milk and then left with Celia.
The meeting recentered me and it was good to remember what I was fighting so hard for.
I had never made it more than six months sober since this whole thing started and I was planning to beat that record tenfold.
Celia put an arm through mine as we walked back to the house,
"I'm proud of you."
"Don't be. Not yet."
"If at any time, you feel like you need an anchor, someone to just come to be there for you that's not Quinn or Brittany, call me. I'll charter a plane, a helicopter, something and I'll be there before you know it."
"Thanks."
This time stepping into my house didn't feel like an assault. I mean the colors were still there, bright and hideous but it smelled and sounded like MY house. There was a squeal when I stepped into the living room.
"MA!" Daniela called to me. She was in her little walker with tears beginning to fill her eyes and I knew what was coming.
I swept her into my arms as her whimpers began and my boobs were ready for her. She was grabbing at my face and sucking on my cheek as I walked towards the dining room table.
She latched on as soon as my tit was out and gripped it for dear life.
I was humming to her when the door opened and in came Britt, Ari, and HIM.
Britt's eyes met mine and we had one of those old-school silent conversations. I wanted him gone.
Only it was too late, he walked around Britt like he owned the place and plopped down in the chair across from me.
"Hi, Santana, I'm Grady." He said holding his hand out but I just looked at his hand and then up at him.
"I know."
"It was time for us to properly meet since I plan to stick around for my girl." He said with a grin.
"You mean my wife." I snapped and he just chuckled.
"G, baby maybe you should go." Britt said as she came over and tugged at his shirt sleeve. "I didn't realize anyone would be here. Go, I'll be fine."
He looked up at her and something in his eyes reminded me of Marco and not the good parts.
Was she afraid of him?
"You were planning to stay tonight, with her here?"
"Again, I'm her wife." I said and he rolled his eyes.
"For now." He muttered and then brushed Britt's arm from his sleeve. "B, I'm not really comfortable leaving you here with the wolves."
"Did he just?" Sandra said and Celia stood there, arms crossed over her chest.
"He definitely did."
Ari kept looking around, looking unsure of her authority here. Sure she'd been living here but now we were all here and she was just a guest again.
But then our eyes met.
No silent conversation needed, she knew me.
"Grady, it's time for you to go. What Brittany does with Santana is HER business. You knew what you were signing up for, be a man, and know where you stand. Go, please."
He was digging his heels in now.
"Or what?"
Ari though was quick, she always had been.
"Or I tell Frank and August that you two have been fucking in the theater, on the stage...I'll tell them everything."
Britt and Grady both looked at her wide-eyed.
Ohhhh...so this was against the rules. I moved the baby to my other boob and tucked that bit of information away. Let everyone else deal with him, I would not let either of them drive me back to the dark place.
"Grady, please, I could lose my job." Britt said and finally this motherfucker got up and walked towards the door.
My whole mood could have been soured in that moment but I knew that I had set this all in motion.
Britt and Ari managed to get the asshole to leave and I was happy to not have been a part of that.
One less thing for her to resent me for.
Daniela was milk drunk by the time she was finished, her eyes were glazed over and she had this dopey little smile on her face. I kissed her cheeks and then put her down in the little playpen that Mari had brought for Norah. Daniela curled up into a ball, looking lonely and sad. Maybe it was the months spent away from her or the fact that I understood that feeling of self-soothing that made me pick her back up.
I wasn't letting her go if I could help it, I didn't care if it spoiled her.
Britt had gone upstairs to shower and my sisters were serving dinner in the kitchen, the house was back to that happy, peaceful place.
Mari was feeding Norah in the guest room and informed me that she had grabbed all my stuff from Sandra's with the intention to just leave from here in the morning. So I headed upstairs to get a change of clothes.
I wasn't thinking about being alone with Brittany or her being off her meds, just about changing.
The baby was heavy in my arms but I didn't mind.
She made me feel centered and calmed my ache for Isaac who was too far to hug at the moment.
I pushed into our bedroom and nearly tripped over a little ottoman that was at the side of our bed which was on a different wall. Britt must have kept it there for Isaac to climb up on the bed, that was the only thing that made sense.
Reluctantly, I laid the baby in the bed and surrounded her with pillows before creeping to the closet. Britt was still in the shower and I was hoping to be in and out before she was finished.
The closet was immaculate still, my clothes were just where I left them, thankfully.
I changed into sweats and ran a brush through my hair before heading back out to the room.
Britt stood there, dripping wet and leaning towards our dresser mirror, examining a zit on her face.
"I'll let you get dressed." I muttered as I moved towards the bed where the baby was sprawled out.
"I'm sorry about him, he gets super jealous." Britt said, turning around and leaning back against the dresser in her towel.
"Don't. What you do, is what you do. I just would ap-appreciate if you didn't bring him here...not inside. Please?" I said, moving towards the edge of the bed to sit down.
She waited for me to sit before she came over and knelt in front of me.
"I tried to end things...it's just...things have changed." She said and I knew then my suspicions were right.
"You're pregnant." I said and she looked pale.
"How...wait...how?"
I brushed my fingers over her cheeks.
"How far?"
"Early, four weeks maybe. I just did a pee test. I need to go see a doctor."
"He knows?"
"I just told him today, that's why he came here."
"So you two are going to raise a little family together?"
"No...I don't know. I just want you."
"He's never going to let that h-happen."
She was crying now but I just leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"I'm sorry. This wasn't...I don't want this, not like this. Izzy and Dani are it...I can't do this."
"You can, B...you'll be the best. I know it."
"Will you help me?"
I sighed and shook my head.
"No. I can't. I'm just g-getting on my feet."
"Right. I know. I'm sorry." She pulled back and stood up. "Why don't you go downstairs? I'll get her in her crib and I'll be down for dinner."
"B...hey, I've still got your back...if you need anything."
"You confuse me...how isn't that help?"
"You just want my help, for me to make you feel better about this because we ARE married. You were supposed to explore not fall in love...not get knocked up."
"You're one to talk."
"No. You wanted me. I was content to do this parenting thing on my own. You insisted on staying. Even with Daniela, you were wary of Marco but you st-still wanted something with me."
"So what, you don't want me?"
I had backed myself into a corner but there was no time like the present, to be honest.
She needed to manage her expectations too.
"I want you to be happy and safe."
She was closer to me now, hovering just too close but she kept her arms crossed over her chest and her hands under her armpits. Her tears were blatant now and she'd gone super pink.
"But do you want me?"
"No. Not like this. I want you level. I want you, faithful...even if I give you a p-pass, I want you to not take it. I'm not polyamorous like you. I want one love, one wife...one family...I could control Marco...and Ian. They didn't get in your way, if you can tell me that Grady won't get in my way of helping you, I'll support this."
She hesitated. "He...he...he"
"That's what I thought. Call me a hy-hypocrite but in this B, I just have to leave you on your own. Sorry, not sorry."
That night Britt had left me and Daniela in the bed by ourselves and slept elsewhere.
And then in the morning, Ari had left and Britt was already up with the baby, giving her a bath while I got dressed.
Mari wouldn't let me linger, I had to take my tests fasting so she gave me enough time to feed the baby and then was rushing me out the door leaving Saul and Norah behind to keep B company.
Through everything the night before, Mari had really kept her opinions to herself but that all changed once we were out of the house.
"Want to tell me about yesterday? Ceily told me you lost it, breaking shit and then you managed to be alone with Brittany after you promised you wouldn't be."
"Ay, Mari, it was just a hard night." I said as I checked into my flight on my phone.
"Did your talk with her resolve anything?"
"Maybe not for her, but definitely for me." I sighed. "I ap-appreciate your concern but my mind isn't all here, I'm tired and cranky. I had to p-practically sleep with my tits out since the baby is extra clingy since I came home."
"Fine, I'll table it but you aren't getting out of talking this out. My undergrad is social work and psychology, I know the dangers of pushing things off. I just want to be a sounding board."
"So you can run tell the girls about it?"
"No. What you tell me stays between us, as long as it isn't something that risks any of our lives."
"Thanks," I said, too tired to continue. "So, what's first?"
"Fasting blood draw and CT Scan."
"When can I eat?"
"Depends on if you need an MRI. It's a slow day at the hospital, I checked. You should be able to zip through tests and then I'll personally bring you breakfast while we wait for the results."
"Promise?"
"Cross my heart."
Mari kept her word, I was poked and prodded for over two hours before they left me in a room to wait for my results.
And sure enough, Mari came in with my breast pump and pancakes that Ari had apparently made that morning.
"She packed them for you and everything, if I could go back, I'd tell you to marry that girl. Ari is everything that Brittany isn't."
"I know."
"But the heart wants what it wants...right?"
"Yup. I tried. When I was with Ari, it was perfect. She was amazing but she w-wasn't Britt."
"No offense, but Brittany isn't even Brittany."
"She's pregnant." I said to my sister as I cut into my food.
"Shit."
"Yeah keep that to yourself."
"I will...is she keeping it?"
"Britt would never get rid of her ch-child. Now though, sh-she's mad that I won't step up."
"I saw that idiot last night, there's no way he would let you...so now you are left to ponder, do you divorce and seek full custody or do you wait to see how things play out?"
"The latter."
"I thought so."
Ari had always made the most insanely good pancakes and right in that moment, I was in heaven.
But then a nurse came in.
"What now?" I said around a mouthful of food.
"You're severely dehydrated, the doctor thought it was best to get you on a banana bag."
She pulled up my sleeve to wrap the tourniquet since they'd used my other arm already and paused at the bruise.
"Just ignore that...it looks worse than it is."
She shared a look with my sister and then wrapped the tourniquet under the bruise before pricking me with the needle.
I hissed and then she quickly set up the IV before taking off the tourniquet and asking me if I wanted to talk to a social worker.
And I ignored her and went back to eating.
"Santana." Mari said and I ignored her too, drinking down my apple juice before sitting back and looking her in the eyes. "Can I see it?" she sighed as she held her hands out to me. I was hesitant but I did as she asked and gave her my arm.
She lightly touched the swollen skin and then leaned in and kissed it a few times before rubbing my leg.
I dropped my eyes but she tilted my head up so that I was looking at her again.
"Did Britt do that to you?" she didn't look mad, just concerned.
"Yes."
She sighed again and then took my hand in hers.
"Has anyone ever told you how Saul and I met?" she said as she played with my fingers.
"No...I don't know much about you guys actually." I admitted with a frown. How was that possible?
Saul was just always that quiet, brooding guy in the background.
"Saul is ten years older than me and was married once before. He was with Sylvia for five years. They were happy and he thought that he would love her forever but then she cheated on him with some guy that she had been hanging with after work and then Saul cheated and she cheated again."
"Shit."
"Yeah, a few times it got physically abusive in both directions. They went back and forth like that for a year, I think. She ended up getting pregnant...she had a miscarriage though and ended up filing for divorce from him."
"Whoa, that's familiar."
"Very."
"So what happened?"
"They had been best friends but this bitterness between them killed the best parts of their friendship."
"I can relate. Are they still...cordial?"
"Soon after the divorce, she went off and married Saul's best friend, Dominic...my boyfriend at the time who just came to me one day and said...'Guess what I did...I went to Vegas and got married...isn't that cool?' I punched him in the face and broke his nose. Anyway, Saul and I met when I dropped Dominic at the hospital. We laughed at our crazy connection and fell in love soon after."
"Wow." I said as I looked at her in shock. "I don't know if you're saying I should leave Britt now...maybe for Ari or if you're saying I should be friends with her again."
"You and Brittany are childhood best friends, first loves and all that. I've been watching you each become bitter more and more. When you left for rehab...she tried. For a good two weeks she tried...but then that girl started hanging around and slowly showed Brittany what she was missing out there...just like that she was out every night and coming back with people. Sandra put her foot down and they stood toe to toe in the dining room. It took me and Celia to hold Sandra back from killing her. After that, she rebelled completely. Saul and I talked about it and he sees that look of rebellion in Britt that he saw in Sylvia. He says it's good that you stepped back."
"Yeah?"
"You and Britt are meant for each other Ana. You both know it, I know it but the problem with that is that at your age...shit my age and even your mom's age...forever is a really long time! That's scary. Britt is still a kid and I think without you there constantly reminding her that she had to grow up and with us stepping in so easily to take care of the kids...she remembered that she's still young. She realized that she doesn't want this life right now. She wants to be young and free. I'm sure getting pregnant is terrifying for her."
"She's scared shitless."
"But so were you."
"I was...I still am. I'm just getting clean. I can't help her."
"I know but you can support her from afar. Right?"
"Maybe."
"You've been through a lot, more than most people in middle age. You grew up before your time and you have been dragging Brittany along for the ride. She's not ready yet. It's selfish. It's hurtful but it's the truth. You frustrate her. It's like seeing your destiny before you're ready. So this time apart...however long it may be...is good if you guys are looking at forever. Just...give her time."
"What if I don't want to wait for her, Mari?"
She cocked her eyebrow.
"Don't you?"
"I do, I think."
"See...you already know what you want. So now you just have to let it happen. In the meantime...stay away from her. Even if she comes to Lima...don't stay around her alone. She's dangerous off of those meds. I don't want you to be hurt again."
"Thanks Mari." I wrapped my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder. "That was just what I needed to hear."
"Anytime. I hope it helped."
"More than you know."
When I got to Lima with the okay to drive, I had every intention to rent a whip but Q was waiting with me with a fresh tan and smirk.
"What the heck are you doing here, Fabray?" I said as I came to a stop in front of my best friend in the terminal.
"I thought I'd pick you up. I missed you."
"I missed you too."
We hugged and then I plopped a kiss on her cheek. She grabbed my carry-on and pulled it along as we headed outside.
I never thought that I would greet Lima again so willingly.
But here I was, holding my little girl in my arms and walking off the plane in Dayton willingly with Quinn by my side.
Daniela had been supremely calm on the plane ride, thankfully! She slept the whole way without issue.
I spent the whole plane ride thinking about how things had ended up so scrambled between me and Brittany. I was glad that Mari and I had gotten that chance to talk because it really helped me put some things in perspective.
"Ready?" Quinn said as she looped an arm through mine.
"As ready as I can be."
"I'm really proud of you San. Like super proud."
"Yea?"
"Absolutely."
She steered me towards passenger pick-up and there waiting was Susan holding hands with a very excited Isaac who was jumping up and down next to her.
I leaned into Quinn's shoulder.
"You could have told me she was picking us up."
"Better to see her first than to work up the courage to talk to her. Ripping off the bandage has always been your specialty. I'm repaying the favor." Quinn rolled her eyes and then dropped her sunglasses over her eyes and plastered a smile on her face. "Well hey there Izzy! Susan! How was the park?"
"He doesn't like ducks." Susan said in mock seriousness. "He kept trying to kick them."
"Right on...that's my boy." I chuckled as I ruffled his hair.
"Mami! Baby!" he squealed. "Gam, up?" He held his arms up to Susan and she obliged by scooping him up so that he could see me better. I smiled really huge when he leaned over and kissed Daniela on the head and then lightly rubbed her curls. "My baby." he said sweetly. I looked over at Quinn in disbelief and she shrugged and began to move to the back of the van so that she could put my suitcase in the back.
"Your son is quite possessive...no idea where he gets that from." Quinn said before lifting her sunglasses and winking at me.
"His father." I said and stuck my tongue out at her.
He didn't get that from me, did he?
Quinn sat in the back seat with the kids and was singing her heart out while I sat next to my mother-in-law in the front.
The drive between Dayton and Lima was an hour and so I knew that I couldn't stay quiet the whole time but I sure wished that I could. I just didn't want to deal with this. I loved Susan, she was there for me when my own mother was absent and she looked at me as another daughter. I hadn't seen her since after the funeral and was really happy to be with her again.
I had missed her.
"So...Quinn tells me that you and Brittany are taking some time apart?" Susan said as she turned onto the highway.
We had made it five minutes before I was forced to speak.
Just great!
"It's more than that Susan. There's so m-much that you don't know." I said as I stared out at the Ohio countryside. I had missed this more than I had realized.
"Can I know? Will someone clue me in on what's going on at some point? Brittany is the only child I have left and she's shut me out." Susan bit out with more anger than I knew she could muster.
"I'll tell you whatever you wanna know." I said as I placed a placating hand on her shoulder. "No matter what Britt does, you are still my family. I promise you that."
She visibly calmed and then nodded her head.
"Are you getting another divorce?" she asked quietly.
I sighed heavily...Britt really had been out of touch with her mother.
"We are taking space." I said quietly.
"Excuse me? Haven't you already gone down this road?"
"I told her she should ex-explore her options. I thought she'd have a one night stand, I didn't expect this."
"Brittany agreed to that?"
"Yeah, it was just after me and Q...I felt guilty."
"Quinn told me about that...I hope you addressed that in rehab."
"I did. I had a breakdown. Th-That won't happen again.'
"Is your affair the reason that Brittany left you so easily?"
"I technically left her...twice." I said as I continued to look out my window. I couldn't bear to see Susan's face as she interrogated me.
"How is she doing?"
"I think she's doing just fine. She seems okay." I could feel the anger running through me as I thought of them calling each other baby right in front of me but then I tried to think positively.
I could manage my expectations better these days, I wasn't expecting shit from Britt anymore, not even when it came to the kids. That ship had sailed, I wasn't chasing. If she wanted to be around for them, I wouldn't stop her but I also wasn't going to be the one to facilitate.
Right now, I had to fight every day to eat...to be sober...and to not go to that dark place that had me wanting to kill myself more than once. I wanted more...just like Britt, what we wanted was just different.
I looked down at the tattoo on my ring finger and felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
"Brittany isn't losing it with you gone again, is she? I mean, she's all alone now, how could she not be devastated." Susan said, a little too accusatory.
"She's already seeing someone else." I said quietly as I thought of the tall dancer that towered over her. It made my skin crawl to imagine him touching her where I had touched her...and her carrying their baby.
If this is what she had felt both times I was walking around with someone else's baby, God, I felt like shit. It was agonizing.
The car was silent again.
And I wiped at my tears, trying to keep it together but that didn't last long.
"Is it Frankie again?" Susan said, her voice tight.
I shook my head, "No...it's...his name is Grady. He's one of the dancers on the show." I pressed my palms against my burning eyes. Britt should be the one answering to her mother, not me. I didn't want to cry about this but this woman had just buried a child a few months ago and the child she had left was out in the world, doing her own fucking thing.
Was I her wife? Yes.
Did I feel like it? Fuck no.
"A guy? I thought she was done with guys after Finn?" she was the one resting a hand against my shoulder this time, rubbing small circles. She'd obviously gone from blaming me to feeling sorry for me.
It still felt like shit.
"Yea well...she wasn't...which is fine. She's bi, so it's not a big deal."
"Has she been having him around the kids?"
I turned to look at her finally when I saw that we were stopped at an intersection.
"She hasn't been seeing the kids like she should. I mean she s-saw the baby yesterday but I don't know how long before that."
"You're kidding?"
"No. She...I went to see her when I got out of rehab and she did this." I rolled up my sleeve and Quinn literally leaped forward between the seats to get a look at the bruise on my arm. "Then she told me that I forced the kids on her...she denied them. I was holding Daniela at the time. She just...she isn't on her meds right now and I think...I th-think all that good she had built up...all the faith and love she built up...is slipping away now." I rolled down my sleeve and turned away from them and looked back towards the window.
I wanted to escape the car ride.
Thankfully though, after showing Susan what Britt had done, she didn't feel like continuing the conversation.
I closed my eyes and rested my face against the cool glass.
My heart hurt.
I just needed to get out of this fucking car so that I could focus on something else.
For now though...I was going to have to allow Susan into what was going on because even with all her rebellion, Britt still listened to her parents. Maybe this would help Susan stop waiting for Brittany to reach out to her, and she would take initiative and go see her.
Brittany needed her.
She may be the last hope for helping Brittany find herself again.
There was nothing that I could do anymore.
At least not while I was trying to get myself together.
"Are you sure that you're okay with them for a few hours?" I asked Susan as she dropped us off at the nail salon.
"Absolutely. You deserve this."
"Thanks Susan! See you in a few!"
"Bye girls!"
I watched Susan pull off and it immediately reminded me of the time before I got my license when she used to drop of me and Britt off at the mall. It made me hurt just a bit.
Thank God for Q.
She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me towards the door of the salon.
"Come on San...we don't have to talk about her...we can just gossip. Okay?" she said as she pulled open the door and shoved me forward.
"Thanks." I said as I made my way over to one of the tables.
We sat side by side and got our nails buffed and polished and Quinn seemed to be deep in thought.
"What's up Lucy Q?"
"It's Rach...she has been talking to a few of the glee clubbers and apparently Mike Chang wants to propose to girl Chang in an elaborate way. She wants to get everyone together and help as we did with Mr. Schue and Bambi."
"With the pool...please tell me no pool!"
Quinn looked at me in shock.
"Does that mean you're in?"
I shrugged.
"As long as there isn't a pool involved. Then yes."
"Great! She's going to be so excited! Now I just have to convince Kurt."
"Is he home too?"
"Nope...he's doing a fashion internship back in Manhattan for the summer but he's free on Sundays and Mondays. He'll fly in if I ask him. He hasn't been in the best of spirits since Blaine broke up with him."
"He did?"
"Oh...you didn't know...right...it happened when Kurt came to see Blaine graduate a few weeks ago. Blaine is going to school at Oxford he said there was no way he was going to try and do an international relationship. He said he didn't want to hold Kurt back from being amazing. So they are just taking space kind of like you and Br-"
I shot her a glare and she quickly turned and started yapping with the nail lady about colors.
I didn't say much after that. It seemed that even though I had escaped Britt for the summer...she was going to constantly be popping up.
Sue was my last hope at this point.
"Talk to me San...please?"
We sat with our feet in the bubbling water. I had been texting for the past twenty minutes with a few people and had basically been ignoring her but now she had, had enough of the silent treatment.
"If you want to talk about Brittany, you can forget it." I said without looking up at her.
"You can't just act like this isn't happening."
"Fine...you want me to talk...I'm hurting, Q. I tried my best. I gave rehab my all. I tried so hard to do things right. To do things how I was supposed to be doing. She is still with him. Probably for good." I mean sure she wanted my help with this pregnancy but that didn't mean she wanted me or the kids. Those were two different things. "Why is putting me to the side so easy for her? Always! With Artie, with Finn, with Frankie, with you and Rachel and now with this guy. Why is it so easy for her?"
"I don't think it is."
I looked at her in shock and rested a hand against my cheek and tried to count my breaths, my heartbeats...anything to keep from snapping from the one available friend that I had at the moment.
"Tell me why you think that Q." I whispered between deep breaths. "Tell me how it's not easy for her?"
"Brittany doesn't know how to exist on her own...especially not without you. That's why she jumps into people's beds. When she feels like she can't do things on her own...she looks for comfort. That shit with the cheating was just because...that's what I always thought but then when she was so level with me after you and I...you know...I figured it out. She understood us jumping into bed for comfort because that is what she does. She knew what it was. She recognized it. You went to rehab and she had to start taking charge without you to fall back on...she didn't like it so she found comfort where she could. Frankie and Rachel aren't available...Ari and Tony will never go there and neither would I. So what does she do...she leans on the first idiot that looks her way."
I sat there in shock.
Why the fuck couldn't I see that?
How had I not realized this about my own wife?
"So now...she has him to lean on? So she will never learn...I guess th-this really is over, I thought she loved me." I played with my phone just to keep my hands busy. I wasn't craving, I was just processing.
Go me.
I needed Henry.
"It's not over...she does love you. She just needs to find her own. It's partially our fault. We babied her in high school, even on the Cheerios. We never let her shine."
I nodded in agreement.
"I don't think Grady is going to last long. I have it on good authority that he is kind of just using her." Quinn shrugged but little did she know how permanent he was about to become but that wasn't my business to tell. "I thought of warning her but you know Britt...she's too stubborn and she is definitely not going to listen to me."
"Who told you that?"
"Rachel...Dionne told her."
"Wow."
"So it's just a matter of time before Britt realizes that she ruined a good thing with you and comes crawling back."
"I don't want that Q." I looked at her sharply. "I don't want her to come crawling back. I'm not even sure I want her."
"Of course you do. You always will."
"I wish I could stop."
"Don't hold your breath."
"Trust me...I hadn't planned on it."
"Look who finally decided to show up!" Sue said as she opened the front door of her sizable house in West Lima. I had Isaac perched on my hip and Quinn held Daniela and smiled brightly.
"Hi coach!" she said just as perky.
"Q! Good to see you!"
"Same here coach!"
"Well come on in!" she briskly turned around and made her way to towards the stairs.
Sue was prepared. She and Tor had apparently gotten a whole room set-up for the kids to stay in. It was amazing. Isaac squealed when he saw a life-sized Elmo. Before I knew it he was sitting on the floor talking to the thing.
"Cute kid you got there Lopez."
"Thanks."
"So if I were Schuester I would have been hugged by now." she said as she looked at me and Q sternly.
I opened my arms and hugged my old cheer coach and was soon joined by Quinn and the baby.
"Okay that's enough." she said as she stepped out of the hug.
Same old Sue.
Just what I needed!