City Burns (Andra Day)
Santana's POV
February (cont'd)
When I got home from triage, it was to one thing after another, none of it bad but all of its time-consuming.
I had missed Valentines' Day in the two weeks that I was gone, and I wanted badly to make it up to B since it was our very first anniversary, but everything got in the way.
There was Sunday dinner where my family grilled me about my supposed trip to Puerto Rico and Ohio.
My walls were still down, and my emotions were at an all-time high, so I excused myself by complaining of a sick stomach which only made them joke about me being pregnant again.
Britt and Quinn tried to change the subject, but Sandra and Celia were undeterred.
It was a miracle that I got out of there without admitting where I had really been for two weeks.
We got back so late from dinner that Britt went to bed early but not before putting the kids to sleep.
I sat at my piano for hours after she went to bed, playing one sonata after another until my fingers ached.
When that didn't exhaust me, I decided to find something else to do.
"Hey, girl! Isn't it midnight there?"
"It is, but I couldn't sleep, and I knew you'd still be up."
"Are you okay?"
"I think so."
"Tell me what's going on with you. I'm far from the gossip I was in high school." Mercedes chuckled.
"For the last two weeks, I've been in rehab, and no one really knows about it but Quinn and Brittany."
"Wow, are you better?"
"Do you remember that feeling we used to get when Rachel would get every single solo, even for songs that were clearly better sung by us?"
"Yeah, I hated that shit."
"Me too."
"Is that how you feel now?"
"It is. Everyone around me is getting solos, and I'm just swaying in the back. I'll get a solo or two, like a business or a song for you or Queen Bey...but I'm not actually doing anything with my life. Which makes me feel like shit because I'm a mom, you know? I should feel lucky to be able to experience motherhood...and be able to give them what I didn't have, but it's not enough."
"So what are you going to do about it?"
"Stay sober and find my niche."
"Okay, but what else. Are you a business owner? Are you a songwriter? Are you going back to school?"
"I think I want to be all three."
"Then do it."
After hanging up with Mercedes, I headed downstairs. I dug the laptop off the coffee table covered in diapers and toys.
Britt definitely hadn't been keeping things clean enough.
That was going to change, but first, I needed to do something for myself.
I pulled up the Columbia website and filled out the application. I did it again for NYU, Barnard, and Sarah Lawrence.
With each one, I free wrote essays about my recovery and what I hoped to achieve if accepted to their universities.
I chose business management as my major. Then I set alerts for any emails from them to be sent to my phone since I rarely went online anymore.
Once I was done with that, I cleaned the apartment to my standards.
I don't know if it was the extra sleep I got in triage, but not once did I get tired.
The possibilities kept my mind going.
After cleaning, I cooked breakfast and packed Britt a lunch before heading to the nursery.
Isaac was still asleep, but Daniela was wide awake and smiling at me.
"Hey, baby girl."
She held her arms out to me without asking for leche, which made me feel like she over it, but then she was in my arms and squeezing my sore boobs. "Che?"
"No more leche, baby."
She pouted but didn't cry like I expected her to.
I got her changed and brushed her hair, all while Isaac snored.
"Hungry?" I asked Daniela, and she squeezed my boob but didn't ask again. "Right, you already said that."
When I walked out to the kitchen, B was standing there completely dressed, looking back at me in confusion. "Did you ever come to bed?" She asked.
"Nope. I couldn't sleep, and before you ask, no, I didn't leave."
"I wasn't going to ask." She lied, and I let it go.
Instead, I put the baby in her high chair and handed her a warmed-up bottle. She grinned and sat there drinking contentedly.
Then I pulled Britt's plate out of the oven warmer and placed it on the counter.
"I made you breakfast, sit down and eat."
"Need coffee." She muttered as she sat down.
"You hate coffee." I corrected as I pulled out a mug.
"Not anymore; it's my dance juice."
"Okay, then." I poured the coffee and slid the creamer in front of her while she chomped on her sausage and pancakes.
"Aren't you going to eat?"
"I'll eat with Isaac...it's still too early for me." I went to the fridge and pulled out a brown paper bag. "I also made you lunch—leftovers from Sandra's. I'll make dinner tonight. What time will you be home?"
Britt put down her fork and looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
"What time do you want me home?" She looked at me like I had a second head sprouting from my neck.
"I don't know, whatever time works for you, B."
"We are normally done around 4, but I stick around after and help anyone who needs me."
"Oh."
"But, I can be here by 5. Does that work for you?"
"Yes. That should give me enough time."
"For what?" I knew she'd been itching to ask me.
"Father Carter recommended a parish close by here; they have N.A. meetings on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays at 7."
"That's cool; I'll make sure I'm home in time."
"Thanks, B."
Britt got Isaac up and changed before she left, instructing me that if I got the kids up at the same time, then they'd nap at the same time mid-morning.
I actually pulled out my phone and took notes on everything she told me about my own kids.
Daniela was only eating orange baby food, Isaac would try to get juice with his breakfast, but to him, that just meant a splash of juice mixed with water.
Naptime was at 10:30 and again around 4. Don't let them sleep more than three hours, or they won't sleep at night.
I'd been with them for months in Lima, but it seemed that with her parents here, the three of them had put my kids on a completely unfamiliar routine.
But I wasn't going to argue about it, Britt wanted what was best for the kids, and I knew she wouldn't steer me wrong.
She gave me a forehead kiss and slapped my ass before leaving me alone with the kids for the first time in forever.
I put on some music and fed Daniela her breakfast while Isaac picked up each piece of his pancakes and made a loud, "mm-mm" sound after each bite. I got so distracted by him that I didn't see Daniela grab the spoon from the plate and swing it around, getting food everywhere.
"Crap!" I jumped back and grabbed the spoon, which made her freak out. "I'm sorry, baby." I gave her the spoon back, but she threw it onto the floor.
10:30 couldn't come soon enough.
By the grace of God, I managed to get through the rest of breakfast without incident.
Need some help?-Sugar
I looked at my phone for one second, and there was a loud crash as Isaac shoved his plate to the floor.
No. I need to do this on my own.-Santana
And stop spying on me!-Santana
It's my job.-Sugar
I put the phone down and gave the camera my middle finger.
You do know there's a daycare in the building for residents, right?-Sugar
I stared at the screen and rolled my eyes.
"Why did you do that?" I asked my son, and he crossed his arms in anger.
"Jugo!" He demanded.
"Jugo, please." I corrected.
"Jugo NOW!"
"Oh, now you're definitely not getting juice." I turned back to Daniela. She was smearing the splattered baby food on the tabletop of the high chair. "Have fun, baby girl." I spilled a little more on the tray and then let her get as messy as she wanted.
I had a little tyrant to deal with. He was glaring at me now, and when I looked at him, he spit at me. Of course, it didn't go anywhere, but still, that wasn't cool.
My phone buzzed, but I didn't look at it. This kid was out of control.
I unstrapped him from the high chair and carried him to the couch.
"Sit there, don't move until you can ask nicely."
He went to move, and I showed him how the glare really worked. Instead of moving, he curled up and began crying.
I'd only been alone with them for two hours, and chaos was already reigning.
By 10:30, Isaac had finally asked nicely, and I let him have juice. Daniela tired herself out with the artwork and fell asleep in her chair while I cleaned up.
I put them both in the tub and let them play until neither could keep their heads up.
Once they were finally in their beds, I set a timer for three hours and finally walked away.
All of my overnight cleanings had been pointless. There was orange baby food everywhere, and the kitchen floor was sticky from the syrup.
I threw the laundry in the washer and then scrubbed the kitchen before collapsing on the couch.
My eyes were closed for about two seconds before I woke up to a knock at the door.
I looked down at my phone; I had a missed call from B and a Sugar text.
You're still a good mom if you accept help. I'm here if you need me.-Sugar
Britt had always been a fan of daycare, telling me that Isaac spent way too much time with adults, but I was terrified of them not getting treated right. It made me feel like a failure.
But I was tired.
Do they do hourly drop-offs-Santana
They do.-Sugar
And you have vetted every single person?-Santana
Carmen did. Niko goes there sometimes.-Sugar
I feel like I need to talk to B about this before I do it.-Santana
There was another knock, so I got up and pulled the door open.
"And you're dead." Carmen said as a way of greeting. "Did you even check the peephole? Do better, my love."
"Hi. What are you doing here?"
"Can I come in? I am your landlady after all."
I took a step back and let Carmen inside. She leaned into me and sniffed.
"You stink."
"Thanks."
"I won't keep you, I just needed to talk to you in person, and your apartment is a fortress..." She took out a small remote and hit a red button, then smiled. "Okay, now it's a fortress. Cameras off."
"Uh...can I get one of those?"
"I could make that happen...if you say yes to my proposition."
"No. I don't want to be involved in anything else."
"Well, you don't have a fucking choice, my love." She cupped my chin and then gripped my hair and pulled me closer so that our faces were inches apart. "Nico is doing a lot to protect your whole fucking family, including your sisters, mother, and Quinn Fabray."
"Oh."
"I won't get you wrapped up in anything that will fuck with your sobriety, but what I need may go outside the bounds of what you're comfortable with."
"Can you let me go?" I said, and she relaxed her hand, her fingers tracing over the back of my neck, and I shivered.
"Sorry, I forget myself sometimes."
"Obviously."
"There is a lot that you don't know, and frankly, be grateful for that. I just need your money and access to your property."
"I have a leash, Carmen. You know that Sandra catches a whiff of anything sketchy, and she cuts me off."
"Well, lucky for us all that you have opened up some independent avenues for income. As I recall, you and I have a joint account in the Caymans."
I took a step back and sat on the couch, feeling overwhelmed.
"Just tell me what you need, Carmen."
"Ever heard of the underground railroad?"
Before Carmen left, I pulled nearly 10k from my safe in cash. I agreed to let her use the old apartment above the dinner to set up surveillance operations in what can double as my property management office.
I couldn't believe that I was getting wrapped up in the sex work life again, only this time I would be in control.
When Carmen told me her plan, I agreed with only one stipulation, I had to tell Brittany. I wouldn't lie to her about this.
She agreed and then handed me her remote, after urging me to only use it sparingly and for short bursts of time.
"Can I ask you something?" I said to her as I walked her back to the door.
"Anything, Santi."
"How do you handle sending Niko to daycare?"
"Well, I don't, not really. There are twenty apartments in this building, two per floor. Only residents can use the center, and the staff is not only highly paid, but they are all professionals. There are cameras and every single luxury that a kid could have. Our center isn't really a daycare; it's more like an elite pre-school. Socializing your kids and providing them a jumpstart on education is better than sticking them in front of a tablet or trying to be a super mom."
"Thanks, Carmen."
"Anytime. I love you."
"I love you too."
Once Carmen was gone, I felt wired, so I decided to make lunch and prep for dinner.
I don't know what that nap did to the kids, but they woke up calmer and nicer.
There was no mess or yelling, just them happily eating and then playing while I worked on a song.
I discovered that with enough piano playing, the kids will just lay themselves out on the rug and fall asleep where they play.
Dinner was already finished, so I decided to play through their nap.
I heard the door downstairs open and smiled to myself.
Britt came up the steps looked sweaty, which meant that she didn't even shower after rehearsal. She'd come straight home.
She looked down at the kids who I had moved to the pullout couch.
"How long have they been asleep?" She asked.
"Half hour."
"Cool. Do you mind if I take a shower?"
"Can I have a kiss first?"
She rolled her eyes and came over to me; she smelled sweaty as she leaned in and kissed me. When she pulled back, her eyes went to my neck. She tipped my chin and raised an eyebrow.
"You have bruises; they look like fingers...did I do that? I don't remember."
"No. Actually, that was from Carmen...she stopped by unannounced earlier."
Britt looked annoyed as she ran her fingers over the bruises and then leaned in and kissed them.
"I don't like anyone touching you like this...how hard did she grab you? Are you okay? Why was she even touching you?" Her voice was getting louder as her fingers traced the bruises.
I lifted my hand up and covered hers.
"She didn't mean it; I'm fine. You'll recall, I've been through worse. She stopped as soon as I called her attention to it. She was trying to make a point and underestimated how hard she was holding on to me."
"No me gusta, Ana."
"I'm sorry."
"No. You don't need to apologize for what someone else did...what did she want anyway?"
"I was hoping to talk to you about that, actually, among other things."
"Let's take them downstairs, I'll grab a shower, and then we can talk."
With the kids in bed with an hour timer this time, Britt went off to take a shower while I tried to figure out what to say.
You can still change your mind-C
I looked down at my phone and then up at where Carmen had pointed the remote. There was a tiny black speck on the crown molding; I pointed the remote at it and then replied.
Britt knows or no deal.-Santi
I'm sorry about the bruises. Please don't shut me out.-C
Fine, but no more texts until I contact you.-Santi
Deal!-C
I turned the camera back on and then tucked the remote into the pocket of my sweats. My stomach was churning as I served Britt's food, but I swallowed it back. No time to be a chicken shit now.
Be cool, Lopez.
When Britt came out to the kitchen, she looked refreshed and a bit ditzy.
"Forgot my meds this morning; I've been a little off all day."
"I've been there."
She looked down at the single plate on the counter and then back up at me.
"Where's your plate?"
"I'm not hungry."
Wrong move.
"When did you last eat?"
"I...haven't."
"What?"
"Not today, I forgot."
"Well, I don't want to eat alone, so I need you to serve yourself and eat with me."
"Okay." I went back to the stove and gave myself half the serving that I had given her. My stomach churned, but I didn't want to piss her off, especially not before this talk.
I carried my plate over to the dining room table, and she followed.
She took my hand once we were sitting and bowed her head.
"Bless us o' Lord for these thy gifts from thy precious bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."
"Amen." I said before crossing myself.
When I looked up at B, she was staring at my plate.
I swirled the spaghetti and then put it in my mouth. That wasn't enough though, she watched me chew and then swallow before she spoke.
"So tell me what's going on."
I put down my fork and took a deep breath.
"There are three clients that Marco ended up forbidding me to return to because of one reason or another. Tucker, Nico, and Trent. With Tucker, it was because he was trying to get me out of life. With Nico, it was for a similar reason but also because he threatened to expose Marco. With Trent...well, he nearly killed me more than once."
I traced the barely visible track marks on my arm as I held it out for her. There was one dark mark left that could easily be mistaken for a mole. Britt's eyes went wide as she ran her fingers over the scar.
"What did he do to you?"
"He makes synthetic drugs and tests them on sex workers. I was his favorite pet because I have really high pain tolerance, and by the time I got to him, I was already hooked on coke. He'd drug me and then use my body however he wanted...chains, whips, and knives. Marco linked up with Nico to help shut Trent's access to me off after Marco found me overdosing with a needle shoved in my arm...right here." I poked at that dark scar. "That's the first time my heart stopped but obviously not the last."
"Oh, God."
I ate more of my spaghetti, suddenly craving more than the water I'd had all day. Britt took that as a cue and ate too. I let her sit with that info for a bit before continuing. Eventually, she was ready. "So what does he have to do with all of this? Is he the one trying to kill you?"
"Not that I'm aware of...but I wouldn't know why...he's left me alone for two years, I don't think he's a threat."
"So what about him?"
"He has a lot of shady dealings and supplies most of the drugs in Brooklyn. Recently, there have been many missing girls in Brooklyn...only for them to be found dead or near death with the same drugs that Trent gave me. Carmen asked me to use some of my new property office space as a safe place for girls that might be wrapped up in trafficking or something worse. It's the apartment above the old diner, the one that Nico was going to rent to you."
"I remember."
"Anyway, I'm already turning it into an office, there's a lot of extra space, but this would mean that I'd be dealing with escorts and other sex workers. Some of them might be high or beaten, which could bring up some trauma for me. I might even come across old clients...like...well...the ones I ran into in Brooklyn. I told Carmen that unless you agreed to this, I wasn't going to do it."
Britt's whole face went from confusion to anger to pride in about two seconds.
"Really?"
"I am serious about this marriage, B. I don't want to lie to you, and I certainly don't want to put myself in a position that I can't get out of."
"Will you be protected?"
"I um...got my gun license last summer. I have my own protection."
"What?! Santana! Tell me that there isn't a gun in this apartment."
"I can't do that."
"Where is it?"
"There are three in total."
"What?!"
"They are locked away, and the ammunition isn't in the same place as the guns."
"I can't believe you sometimes; it's like where do the secrets end? You need to show me where they are, or I won't be able to sleep."
"Okay."
Britt went back to eating her food in silence, so I did too, but I couldn't help but feel like I had just given her way too much control over my life plans. It made me uncomfortable. We weren't yet at a place where I was comfortable handing over any sort of control over to her.
I finished my food and began to chug back my water. Knowing that I was trying to trigger my gag reflex, Britt put a hand on my wrist and stopped drinking.
She didn't say anything, though, just went back to eating her food.
My chest was so tight that I felt like I was close to having a heart attack, so I got up and cleared my plate.
"Did you want more food, babe?" I asked Britt, and she shook her head.
I'd been home for three days and had already fucked up.
March
Two weeks after talking to Britt about everything, she still hadn't brought it back up. All she wanted was for me to show her the locked-up guns every few days to make sure they were still secure.
She'd been so weird that I never even broached the topic of putting the kids in daycare for a few days a week.
The more time went on, the more I assumed that she was okay with things proceeding as planned.
I'd been doing my best to not ruffle her feathers.
Each day, I was up to make her breakfast and hand her lunch. I did the laundry, cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, and kept the kids well-fed and generally happy. I also never missed a meeting.
She seemed content, and we went on living our little sexless existence because we were both too tired at the end of the day.
I should have known that it was the calm before the storm.
One month after Valentine's day, I had this whole master plan to get a sitter for the kids and fly us somewhere remote for a few days, but then I fucked up.
It was Friday, and I had been one week into testing the kids out in daycare for a few hours. I had the music going and was running on the treadmill when the door to the room banged open.
Britt was staring at me with wild eyes and clutching Isaac to her chest in the middle of the day.
"Where did you put his fucking machine?"
"Oh God, what happened?!"
I jumped from the treadmill and ran into the bathroom that sat between that room and the nursery. I pulled out Isaac's machine and set it up. Britt was talking to him in hushed whispers as she rubbed his back.
"I'm here buddy, Mama is here. Don't cry...shhh...Mama's got you."
My hands shook as I slid the mask over my son's face. He was wheezing really bad as his head lolled back on Britt's arm.
"What happened?"
She cradled Isaac as she sat down on the edge of the tub. There were tears in her eyes as she watched him. Never once did she look at me.
"The daycare called me because you weren't answering your phone. I thought it was a prank call because my wife would NEVER put the kids in daycare without telling me, but then they said Isaac Lopez was clutching his chest and choking. They asked if they should call an ambulance, and I told them he just needed his inhaler. They didn't have one for him but did have another kid with asthma. They used his inhaler. After that, Izzy was fine enough to relax, but they asked me to pick him up. I left work and came straight here. He flared up again when I got there, so I came up here looking for the machine, and it wasn't where I left it."
"I'm sorry."
"You once told me that parents of a sick kid don't get to turn their phones off. Where is your phone?"
"Um..." I had no idea. "I don't know."
"This is not cool...I don't even know what to say to you. You said you were done with the lies, and now this. How am I supposed to trust you when you do irresponsible things like this? What if something had happened to them both and I hadn't been able to pick up?"
"I'm s-sorry."
"You said that."
"D-Did you b-bring D-D-Daniela up?" I stuttered out, feeling my chest tighten and my body shake.
The stutter made Britt calm down as she looked me over.
"Do you need to go back to triage?"
"No. I'm sober, B."
"You look sick."
"I'm fine." I said as I began to pace. "W-Where is she?"
"She's still downstairs. My priority was getting him breathing."
"Do you think we should take him to the hospital?"
"Depends on how he is after this treatment. You should go call his doctor. Can you handle that?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure because I can do it?"
"I got it."
After some assurance from Isaac's doctor, we leave Daniela at the daycare and take him to the hospital.
It takes about five minutes for them to decide to admit them, and when they do, Britt's glare is murderous.
"We need to do another allergy test." The doctor told us, and I nodded. "Just be warned that it can be pretty expensive."
"Do whatever you need to do." I told him, and Brittany's nodded. "I'm going to message the daycare to make sure it's okay if Daniela stays a bit longer. I'm not ready to leave him."
"Quinn is picking her up. I already signed off on it." B said absently before turning back to the doctor. "What do you need from us?"
"Honestly, there's not much you can do but sit with him."
Isaac was hooked up to wires and given another treatment while Britt and I sat next to each other silently.
Her phone buzzed, and she pulled it out, staring at the screen for only a second before showing it to me.
Picked up, Dani. Mari is insisting on taking her for a few days. Is that okay?-Quinn
I nodded. "It's okay with me if it's okay with you." I said, and she typed a quick reply before putting her phone back down.
"This can't happen again because if it does, I'm going to have to keep my promise to you, and I don't think you'll like it."
"Your promise?"
How many promises had we made? How the hell was I supposed to keep up with them?
"To take the kids away from you if you endanger them."
"B...this wasn't...I didn't do this to be selfish or to go get high. I was trying out daycare to see if it's something I would be comfortable with. All week, it's been just a few hours."
"A week? When I ask you about your day, you could have told me about this, but instead, something bad had to happen for me to know. Lies by omission are still lies."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I fucked up...please don't punish me for this."
"You were so good back in Lima before I came back into your life. They went to parks, and you seemed to hold down being a mom easily, but now, you can't handle a few weeks with them?"
"That's not fair; even when you had them, you had help."
"I didn't say you couldn't have help, but you have to tell me these things. You say that I'm just as much their mom as you are, but then you do things without telling me, and it makes me feel like that's just another lie."
"It's not a lie, B."
She turned her bloodshot eyes to me and shrugged. "I don't know you anymore, Santana. It's like you're just disappearing before my eyes, and it's breaking my heart." Tears filled her eyes and then mine.
I pulled her into a hug, and she clung to me like I was going to float away the moment that she let go.
Something about that moment changed things for me.
But I couldn't talk about it; I had to be about it.
When we got to our building, Britt went from not saying anything since the hospital to taking my hand as we walked inside.
I felt my spirits lift a bit until we got to the elevators.
"Do you want to put a pin in this and get some sleep?" Britt asked me.
"Nope. You're mad at me because I fucked up, and I refuse to go to sleep like that. So we will go upstairs and have this fight, then I'm going to make you dinner. We are adults, and we made vows for better or worse. I don't want to run from this, B."
She nodded and pulled me onto the elevator. "Fine."
When we got to the apartment, Britt nearly tripped over the gym bag she'd left by the door. "Do you want to talk now, or would you rather eat first?"
"I'm pretty hungry."
"Then go shower, drop that gym bag in the laundry room on your way. I'll get to those clothes tomorrow." When she looked at me in confusion, I just slapped her ass before walking away. "Get moving, Lopez. If we get this fight over quick, there might be time for make-up sex."
That lit a fire under her feet, which finally gave me some breathing room.
Once I heard the shower running, I turned up the music, put on a pot of rice, and then filled up a pan with oil. Bistec empanado was the first meal that I ever cooked for Britt way back when I was still trying to figure out my feelings for her. Aside from breakfast for dinner, this was her second favorite meal. I had this whole plan of making this dinner for her and talking about daycare and the packet I'd gotten in the mail.
But I'd been careless about not providing the daycare with Isaac's medicine. It was a mistake that I'd never make again.
I dropped the breaded steak into the oil and then danced around the kitchen, trying not to cry.
Thanks for taking Daniela tonight-Santana
I heard what happened. You need some time alone with your wife. I get it.-Mari
Can you do me a favor?-Santana
Sure.-Mari
Can you plan dinner for just us girls?-Santana
Of course, for when?-Mari
You guys could come here on Friday. Just the sisters.-Santana
Done. Go handle your business. I love you!-Mari
I love you too.-Santana
I was serving our plates when Britt came back looking refreshed and a little less pissed off.
"Is that what I think it is?"
"Yup."
"Are you going to eat with me?"
"Yes."
"Awesome."
We sat across from each other at the table, and this time, I said grace before she could.
"Father, I thank you for providing us with this bounty. Please help us drop the walls between us and remember that we are here at the end of the day because we love each other. Thank you for covering Isaac and Daniela with your grace and mercy. Please help my baby boy to get better soon. Amen."
"Amen."
"I had this whole speech prepared for telling you about daycare." I said as I cut into my steak.
"Okay, so tell me."
"No, it doesn't work anymore. Now I want to tell you the why behind the what because the whole situation today was like a kick in the dick, and I'm sorry for that. It will never happen again."
She grinned at me.
"Kick in the dick? Really?"
"It's fitting, right?"
"Yeah, I think it is."
"B, you've been trying to convince me to put them in daycare since the beginning. I thought putting them there would mean that I failed, but I don't think that's true. Aside from today, the two other times that they've been there, they have fun. Isaac has a friend, and Daniela is playing the mini keyboard in the 1yr class. It sounds terrible when all the littles play the instruments, like a drunk orchestra, but her eyes light up."
"I wish you'd allowed me to see that."
I pulled out my phone and opened the video. While Britt looked at all of their happiness, I continued eating. Her threat about me needing triage today had gotten under my skin. I couldn't give her more reason to think that.
She handed me the phone back with tears in her eyes, but she was smiling.
"That's great, Ana. If you had included me in this decision, I would have taken the morning off to see that in person. I don't like missing stuff in their lives."
"Me either, B."
"You were excited about being a stay-at-home mom. What changed?"
"Well...there's the whole situation with Carmen and the surveillance that I told you about."
"Right...that." Her smile vanished.
"Britt Britt, this is important to me. I know that we could be doing it in a more legit way, I have the money to start a non-profit that gets these girls out of harm's way, and I plan to. Carmen just thinks that with Trent still out on the street, it's better if we do this undercover. Nico thinks it's safer this way."
"What about what I think?"
"I'd love to know what you think about it, B. I told you weeks ago, and you haven't said anything."
"Because I don't know what to say. I don't want girls to be human trafficked, but I also don't want you to be sent on a spiral back to addiction and trauma. You have come so far, and this could just ruin things."
"I know."
"Then why do you want to do it?"
"Because I was those girls, B. If it wasn't for Nico, I'd be dead...we wouldn't be having this conversation, and those kids wouldn't exist. He gave me a safe place to sober up and recover. That's all I'm offering, B. I'm just hosting them. I'm not getting any deeper. That's Carmen's job."
"Okay, well, if that's Carmen's job, then why can't you be home?"
"Because I have businesses to run and...well...I got into Columbia and Sarah Lawrence. I plan to go back to school this summer."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I need to carve out my own path, and I couldn't do that without knowing the kids would be okay. The center only has kids from this building. All the teachers are certified and vetted. We won't have to drag them all over the city; they'll essentially be home, and so will I when I'm not in class."
"This isn't even a fight, you get that, right?"
"It's not?"
"Of course not; you have always taken your education seriously. Not going back to school is a waste of your brain. You should definitely go, and when we put the kids back in daycare, we need to make sure they have everything they need to keep the kids safe. We need another nebulizer Isaac and extra medicine. They need to have more than two emergency contacts just in case we are both backed up. If Sugar is really dedicated to watching over us, she needs to make our kids a priority."
"Okay...so that's it?"
"No...of course not. Watching you eat one meal isn't going to make me forget seeing your ribs while you ran earlier. Is this why we haven't had sex in over a month?"
I shrugged.
"Dr. Clover gave you a list of therapists. Have you seen any of them?"
"No."
She sighed and reached over, taking my hand in hers.
"If I can go to therapy twice a week during my lunch breaks, then you can find time too."
"I know."
"Knowing and Doing are two different things. I forgive you for today, but I need to see you taking care of my wife. I need you alive and so do the kids."
"Okay."
"Good...is there dessert to go with this amazing meal?"
"Yup, I got moose tracks ice cream."
"Sweet! It's like you knew you'd need to make this up to me."
"I was trying to butter you up."
"Well, it worked...for the most part."
"For the most part?"
"The only way that I can comfortably be okay with this whole Carmen thing is if you call Gloria and get her to help. She's studying to be a therapist."
"Okay, yeah...just one thing...who the hell is Gloria?"
Britt chuckled. "Ari's girlfriend, she's a former nun."
"A what?!"
"Yeah, that's what I said."
Britt cleaned up the dishes while I packed her a lunch for the next day and took the laundry out of the dryer.
When she saw me standing in the living room folding a million little outfits, she smiled at me.
"I should have made you feel like a bad mom. You are trying, and I recognize that."
"Thanks, B." She moved behind me and kissed my shoulder. "What are you doing?"
"Showing you how much I appreciate you...for the last few weeks, you've done all the cooking, cleaning, and errands."
"Not out here B... there are cameras."
"Let them watch." She shoved her fingers in my panties and gripped my boob. "You're soaked."
"I've wanted you for days, B."
I rested back against her as she pressed her fingers into me. "I love you."
"I love you...fuck...more, B. I need it rough...please?"
"You sure?"
"Fuck, I said please?"
"Take off your pants, bend over the couch, I'll be right back."
"Are you getting the-" She slapped my ass.
"Do what I said, I'll be right back...you asked so nicely, don't ruin it."
I put the laundry on back in the baskets, grabbed the remote from the kitchen, and turned off the cameras because I didn't trust Sugar to not get spiteful and use this as leverage later.
When Britt came back, grinning with that sparkly thing dangling in front of her, I smirked. She always looked so silly and innocent.
And like usual, the moment she slapped my ass again and pressed into me like that thing was biologically attached to her, I forgot all the silly innocence.
"Fuck!"
"How this?"
"Perfect."
"I aim to please. I missed seeing you like this...remember Lake George...how we did it against the window?"
"Yessss."
I yelped when she wrapped her arm around me and carried me with that thing still deep inside of me.
She gave me a great view of the city, with a dash of her reflection as she fucked me as rough as she could.
Marco had conditioned me to accept punishment and pain after I fucked up until I craved it like I was Pavlov's dog.
I'd fucked up today, and I needed absolution. This helped.
"Harder, please...fuck."
And showing her superhuman intuition, Britt stopped and rubbed at my hips.
"You're crying...is this helping? Are you trying to make it up to me?"
"Yesss. Please, move...fuck B!" I slapped the glass and looked at her reflection. "This is the only...fuck...way that I can give you control right now...it's all I can h-handle. Please?" My voice had turned to a whine, and I could see that she was fighting her instinct to comfort me.
"I hate that he made you this way."
"I know."
"Sometimes, I just want to make love to you and hold you after...like we used to."
"I know."
"But you need this...tell me."
I suppressed a giggle when I thought of Quinn talking about consent being sexy.
"I need you to fuck me with everything you've got, B. If I cry...that's okay. I promise you that I will stop you if it's too much."
She gave me her pinkies and took them in mine, and squeezed.
"Hands back on the glass." Her serious voice was back as she pulled back and shoved forward.
"Oh, God...YES!"
Quinn was right. Something about consenting to this felt better. It still gave me some control...love makes all the difference.
I woke up Tuesday morning much later than I had gotten used to.
My body ached from the work that Britt had put in. Just thinking about it sent shivers through me.
"Good, you're awake."
Britt came into the room fully dressed with a paper bag in her hands.
"Wait..." I looked at my watch; she should have been at work for an hour. "You're here?"
"Of course, my son is in the hospital. Frankie is my back-up. I got the rest of the week off."
"But it's only Tuesday."
"Exactly. So, you and I don't have a lot of time, but it's enough to talk about somethings...make plans for when you go back to school...for you to meet Gloria and talk her into joining you and Carmen. It's also enough time for you to get some rest and eat."
"What are you saying?" I sat up and accepted the paper bag.
"That for this week, I'm in charge...we need to fix this shift, and I'm not talking in some BDSM, Marco whipping you kind of way. I'm talking being your helpmeet."
"Been reading the Bible, baby?" I chuckled as I pulled out a bagel sandwich.
"Actually, I have, yes. I got to mass sometimes."
"Abuela would be so proud."
"Don't be sarcastic. You are about to go back to school and start your life on the right track. To do that, we need to set a routine between us. That starts with using our network and meeting each other in our needs."
"Okay...so...what are we doing today?"
"First, I need you to give me your honest opinion about something." She looked excited as she opened up an apple juice and held it out to me. I put my sandwich down and took a swig before going back to eating.
"Okay...talk. If you want me to eat...you gotta talk, B."
"Right, so Tony's dad is moving to assisted living. He is cleaning out his house and getting rid of a lot. He was a musician...so he has microphones, amps, guitars, and a drum set. As you know, my only instrument was the drums back when my parents were trying to do something about my anger."
"Mmmhmmm."
"Tony knows about this and asked if I wanted the drum set. He also has a child-size guitar...I thought we could use that for the kids."
I nodded as I swallowed, then held out my hand for more juice to wash it down.
Once I could talk again, I grinned.
"I think that's a perfect idea. Daniela likes music. Whenever I put her in front of the piano, she goes to town. When I play, she's always got her eyes on the keys. She might be a musician. Besides, you get some drums up in here, and we can have family concerts."
"Yeah?"
"Yup. Let's do it."
"Awesome!"
"Is that it?"
"No...I thought that we could go over to the old diner. If it's going to be your place, I need to not be afraid of it...getting shot at a place and then going back like nothing happened is going to be hard for me."
"Right...I didn't think about that."
"It's okay; you're detached from it. I realized that even though some of your memories came back, the emotions tied to them aren't as strong."
"Yeah...I didn't think anyone noticed."
"Well, I'm not just anyone. I'm the foremost expert on Santana Lopez, don't forget that."
"Right, my mistake."
"Before we do anything, let's go see Izzy and take him his Elmo."
"Can we stop by and check on Daniela too?"
"Of course!"
That night, while Britt went with Tony to his dad's house in Albany, my sisters showed up at my door with food and drinks.
"Wow, this place is gorgeous at night!" Sandra said as I gave them a tour of the loft and showed them the city's view.
We sat around the loft, trading stories back and forth about the kids and shit.
They genuinely seemed relaxed. I lazily played my piano while they talked, and then...I turned towards the couch that faced the windows and bookshelves. I had my back to them while I played, but now, I needed to be surrounded by them more than anything.
So I went and sat against the wall facing them. "I need to be real with you girls about some stuff." My sisters were chill as they nodded for me to talk...which was way different than when they had an audience.
"You can tell as anything, Ana." Mari said, and I smiled at her.
Two years ago, she'd been my least favorite sister, but she was my rock here lately.
"I never went to PR or to Ohio; I was at rehab...in triage. I haven't been entirely sober, but I didn't slide back to how I used to be. More than anything, my eating disorder has been tough to kick this time. Being a mom is hard, and I don't know how you guys do it. I cracked after just a few days, and um...I didn't want to admit to anyone that I'm struggling. Only a few people knew that I was at rehab...Quinn is one of them." I looked at Celia as she shared a look with Sandra.
Then Mari clued me in.
"We knew where you were, Santana. Quinn told Celia...they fought about invitees to the party, and it slipped out. Celia told us, and Sandra investigated. We were so proud of you for recognizing that you needed help that we didn't want to bring it up until you did. That's why, when I found out about Isaac going into the hospital, I took Daniela because I didn't want you to feel overwhelmed."
"Thanks for not being jerks about it."
"Baby girl, you're going to be battling this for the rest of your life; we can't attack you for getting help. You know, maybe rehab for you will be like getting an oil change...something you do regularly to maintain. Bottom line, we support you." Sandra said, and then the tears came.
I told them about putting the kids in daycare and how things had fallen apart when Isaac got sick.
They surrounded me with love and support, more than I felt like I deserved.
"So, the bonus of banging your best friend is that I know things before other people...are you going to tell us your good news?" Celia asked, and I sighed.
"Quinn talks too much."
"She has committed herself to being fully transparent with me about everything. Don't worry, aside from the rehab news...I've been keeping my mouth shut."
"Thank God for small miracles."
"Are you going to tell us?" Sandra asked, sounding exhausted with this conversation.
"I got into Columbia, Sarah Lawrence, and as of this afternoon...NYU."
"Yeah? You're going to school? That's amazing!" Mari said.
"Thanks. If I'm going to be a businesswoman, I need every advantage out there. It will be good for me to have a degree in my back pocket."
My sisters hung around until Britt showed up with Tony. Between all of us, we got the drums set up, and Britt even played a bit.
Once everyone left, Britt pulled me into her arms and danced around the room.
And because dancing without music isn't as fun, I sang to her.
Right then, all was right with the world, and I was pretty sure that wasn't just going to be a momentary thing.
"Tell me something good, B."
"I think I'm finally ready for you to do stuff to me."
I stopped dancing and looked up at her.
"For real? It's been months, B."
"I know, but after last night...it's like my body is ready to be sexy again."
"Like right now?"
"Yeah."
I pushed her back towards the couch and then knelt between her knees.
"Let's test that theory, shall we?"
April
It took two years, but finally, my son was officially 2, and I was actually there to celebrate.
We went all out, Elmo's face was everywhere, and all the kids from the daycare were in our apartment with their parents.
Sugar even showed up with Nikolai.
Britt and I had hit our stride with the kids in daycare three days a week so that I could go to therapy and spend some time in my new office space.
It felt good to celebrate my son and not be worried about hiding an addiction or needing to go to rehab.
Thanks to the support that I was getting from my family and Britt, things were looking up.
"How do you feel today?" Amy asked me while we drank coffee in her office.
"Good. It's my son's birthday, we celebrated yesterday, and now I'm here with you."
"It's been a few weeks since you started preparations to be a way station for sex workers. How's that going?"
"Are you choosing this topic because I said that I was in a good mood?"
"Actually, yes. We have talked about the kids, your addiction, and Brittany. What I want to dig into today is how you are maintaining your mental health as it pertains to your new line of work."
"Well, officially, I haven't started because I haven't met Gloria yet, but that's happening this week. I told B that we'd start as soon as she agreed, but a girl showed up two days ago. We've been helping her through withdrawal. Carmen's been helping her, actually."
"How's that work? Do you spend time there when she's there...what's your physical part in this?"
"I believed that I wouldn't have one, but then Carmen had this idea that I should employ some of this woman...I'm still on the fence about that. I have to run hiring through Walker, and she doesn't mess around when it comes to addicts."
"Aren't you all in recovery?"
"Yes."
"Is Carmen seeing someone to deal with her own traumas?"
"I don't know. What I do know is that I can't let this drag me down. I'm in a good place. I've learned my kids, and they listen to me now and rebel less. Britt and I are having tons of sex, and I've been going to meetings every other day."
"That's a lot to lose."
"Exactly. There's a door that connects Carmen's side of the office to mine. We don't even have to see each other, but I want to. Helping these girls get away from a life that is still haunting me, two years later...feels like the right thing to do."
"For who?"
"For them."
"What about you? You've admitted yourself that your relationship with Marco has turned you into a people pleaser. When will you please yourself?"
"Wanky."
"I walked right into that, but that makes it no less valid a question."
"This does please me. I mean, what would please me more is if people stopped trafficking other people."
"Do you think that's what happened to you?"
"In a way, yes. I made a quarter-million dollars from sex. I have slept with more people than is healthy, and it's a miracle that I'm not dead. My situation was controlled, though. Marco protected me in the end."
She scribbled down notes, and I glared at her, but it had no effect.
She and Dr. Clover were good friends, so her nonchalance at my intimidation tactics wasn't a huge surprise.
"So, when is your meeting with Gloria?"
"Tomorrow night, she and Ari are coming home with Britt. I'm making dinner...did you want to come."
She rolled her eyes.
"You know that I can't."
"I know...just fucking with you."
"How do you feel about meeting Gloria?"
"Nervous."
"Why is that?"
"In a way, she's my replacement. I was Ari's first...she's slept with only one other person. As a kid, I was sure that I'd marry her. My standards are crazy high for anyone who is with her. The issue is, I can't hate her, one because she's a former nun and two, because Britt plans to stand in my way if I don't have Gloria helping with this whole sex worker thing."
"I can understand why you're nervous."
"Any advice?"
"Be honest with her. Suppose she devoted a part of her life to a convent even if it was a short time. In that case, she probably values honest over all else. I know that you have a penchant for only giving up enough information to get what you need."
"I've never heard that version of calling a liar...nice. Thanks for the advice. I think you're right; the question is, how honest should I be?"
"And why is that?"
"Because she's been dating Ari for a year, and I just had sex with Ari five months ago; before you ask, Britt knows. She walked in on it, so there was no lying about it. Even though we were separated at the time, we were still married. I don't know when the last time you read a Bible was, but Adultery is kind of a big deal."
"Oh, well, that's certainly true. Maybe you should talk to Ari first about that because if it's something that they've already reconciled, it might be best to leave it be."
"Yeah, you're right."
Try as I might, every single time I tried to ask Ari about what Gloria knew about us, she would change the subject until finally, I asked her flat out an hour before they were supposed to arrive.
Does she know about us hooking up?-Anita
Stop making a big deal about it. Everything is ok, you can relax.-Ari
Okay. Thanks!-Anita
Quinn had the kids for the evening to have an adult dinner without needing to chase after them.
Britt's plan was to shower at the theater, and then they'd come straight home for dinner.
Since I was alone, I was able to clean and cook a three-course meal.
By the time I was out of the shower and dressed, I felt calm, knowing nothing to worry about when Gloria and Ari came.
I trusted that Ari had taken care of the awkward stuff before bringing this girl to my home.
She knew more than most just how much me and Britt appreciated no drama.
"How are my babies?" I asked my sister once I was finished getting dressed.
She grinned at me and then turned the phone towards Quinn, who was sitting on the floor blowing bubbles while the kids tried reaching for them.
"They're content. How are you?"
"Good. Thanks for taking them; I was able to get a lot done today."
"You're welcome. What food are you sending me?"
"I made pollo guisado y tostones. I already packed some up for you guys."
"You're the best, sis!"
"And don't you forget it."
I heard the key in the door just as Celia was putting the phone in front of Isaac.
"Hi, Papa!"
"Mami! Bubbles!"
"I see that. Wow."
"Where, Mama?"
I smiled at Britt as she came through the door.
"She's right here."
"I see?"
I turned the phone towards B as she ushered Gloria and Ari to the couch.
Her face lit up when she saw Isaac.
"Hi, buddy!"
"Hi! Mama, bubbles!" Britt saw them fall in front of his face and grinned.
"Awesome!"
"Sis, we will see you guys tonight. Thanks again."
"Do you need any help serving?" Britt asked me as she bounced around the island with a silly grin.
"Yes, I already set it. Can you help me carry the food over?"
"Sure, baby." She kissed my cheek and then picked up the two serving dishes. "You carry the drinks; I'll take heavy stuff."
"I'm not weak."
"I know that. I'm trying to be a good hostess; you did all the cooking."
"True."
Gloria was whispering in Ari's ear as we approached the table. They looked serious, but then, just like it never happened, Gloria and Ari turned to us and smiled.
"This looks amazing. Thank you for cooking, Santana." Gloria said, and I just smiled and nodded.
Ari looked nervous, but there seemed to be a twinge of guilt included in that.
My Mexican third eye told me that she hadn't told Gloria and everything wasn't alright.
Fuck.
After Gloria said the most perfect prayer, we ate in silence until Britt broke the ice.
"Let's talk about the elephant in the room." I shot a look from Ari to Britt and then down at my plate for a moment before looking up at B. When I did, she winked at me. "Gloria?"
"Yes, Brittany?"
"So you're a nun?" I relaxed, knowing that Britt sensed the tension and was doing her best to defuse it in the only way she knew how...playing dumb.
"Technically."
"How can you technically be a nun?" I asked, and Gloria blushed. When she did, it was like looking in a mirror. Ari obviously had a type...me.
Which only made me more anxious, but Britt had led us in a safe conversational direction, and I was following her lead. I didn't know for sure that Ari hadn't told her, and I wasn't going to be the one to bring it up and dash my chances of getting Gloria to help me.
Not everyone could forgive cheating like Britt could.
But Gloria was possibly a saint that remained to be seen.
"All the men in my family for as far back as I know have moved on to become priests when their wives die. We even have an archbishop in the family. We are devout Catholics, so when I came out on my 18th birthday, my family asked me to spend a year in the convent to reconcile my faith with my lifestyle choice." She rolled her eyes. "Their words, I know it's not a choice. Anyway, I went. I threw myself completely into it, including a year-long vow of silence, and I have no regrets."
"Did you shave your head?" B asked her, and she smiled.
"Yes, several times. I was in the full habit, so no one even saw it, but it was something I did for myself."
"So how did you end up here? Why'd you leave the convent?" I asked, truly intrigued.
"I left after a year of full devotion and study. It was hard, but I know that I made the right decision for me. When I went back home before moving here, I told my family that my faith was stronger, and so was my assurance that I am a lesbian. They have accepted me as I am and have asked me to remain pure until I find my person, and I agree."
Poor sweet angel.
Even though Ari had been with only two people, she LOVED sex a lot. Was this the reason that she had to come looking for it with me?
Am I just the harlot that she needed to fuck to get her needs met?
When I looked from Gloria to Ari, I could see that she was really interested in her plate. I needed to know just how many lies Ari was keeping, and was I the only person she was fucking around with, or had she found people that wouldn't spill the beans?
Either way, Gloria was amazing, and I just couldn't let Ari hurt her.
I was just about to say as much when Britt kept the conversation going.
"So you're a virgin?" Britt asked, then added, "That's awesome. I don't remember losing mine...I just remember a guy showing up in my tent." Britt dazed off for a second, and it made me ache because she'd always ignored that as rape. Her therapist and parents had gone along with her alien invasion story.
Gloria, though, again, was a saint. She put her hand over Brittany's and smiled. "I believe that virginity is something that can only be given...never taken."
"I like that." Britt said and then happily looked over at me. "If that's the case, then it was totally Ana."
There was the hint of tears in Britt's eyes, and I leaned over and kissed her face.
Britt cleared her throat and looked over at Ari. "So, you've been good with not being able to have sex, Ari?"
"Yeah." She said. Her eyes still on her plate.
Gloria took Ari's hand and kissed it.
"Ariana has been very supportive in the past year and was happy to wait for me to be ready one day."
Those words took me to my limit. I flicked a grape tomato at Ari and raised my eyebrow. "Patio. Now. Excuse us, ladies...I just remembered something I need to talk to Ari about."
Once we were on the patio, I steered Ari out of Gloria's line of sight before I started in on her.
"You didn't tell her?" I demanded.
"No."
"How can you lie to a nun, Ari? Do you want to go to hell?"
"She doesn't need to know. It's fine...so I had a moment of doubt...it's not the end of the world!"
"You cheated on her, Ariana, with me...a married woman, and then you bring her here without telling her the truth!"
"It's not like I fucked her and left her. I've been faithful ever since. Besides, you didn't touch me. I fucked you."
"That's worse!"
"You have no room to talk, Santana."
"No. You don't get it; my relationship has been like riding a three-legged horse from the very beginning because of my lies. Do you know how different things would be if I hadn't lied to Brittany? Imagine if I had run away to Brittany and her parents or one of my sisters instead of going along with Moncho whoring me to half this city! I'd be sober, I'd be happy living my best life with my wife without so many secrets."
"But you wouldn't have your kids."
"I know, and don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade them for the world, but what kind of life have they had so far with a junkie for a mom? I don't think there has been a full six months of no drama with Brittany and me."
"Most of that is on you."
"Exactly, and I don't want that for you. I'm in way too deep to just walk away from the life that I've built. Being involved with the mob is not my idea of a safe life, but there are darker elements at play if I don't do that. I have forgotten more secrets than I've remembered. Just because I seem okay and my stutter is gone doesn't mean all my memories are back or that I don't still struggle to walk or think straight. Moncho fucked me up and doomed me; I am trying to make sure that you don't have his same comfortable relationship with lying, especially to a nun."
"Fuck, I know, okay. I kept putting it off, and then we were here...I'm sorry."
The last time that I had seen Ari cry, it'd broken my heart but not today.
"Don't be sorry, be honest."
"Fine...can you send her out here."
"Wait, you're going to do it now?"
"She knows you need her for something... she should make the decision knowing all the facts, don't you agree?"
"Well, yeah."
"Then send her out here. No time like the present."
When I went back inside, Gloria was telling Britt stories about the convent.
"Gloria?"
"Yes?"
"Ari wants to talk to you outside."
"What about?" Gloria had a familiar look in her eyes like she knew, and then I looked at my wife, and she raised her eyebrow.
"You told her?"
"Of course I did; I was the one that was technically wronged...I wanted her to know that I forgave you both because I became Catholic, and I learned what forgiveness is." B said, and Gloria smiled, but there was pain on her face.
"I think you should still let her tell you...she's a wreck about it."
Gloria sighed and got up from the table, I could tell that this was the last thing she wanted to be doing, but she was a loyal person, so whether Ari deserved it or not, she went her.
"That wasn't your place, B." I said as I began to serve myself more rice.
"You made it my place when you thought it was a good idea to interrupt dinner to pull Ari to the side. That could have waited. She practically guessed. Apparently, she can see the sexual tension between you two."
"That's...not a thing."
"It is. I see it too. Why do you think I never leave you two alone for long?"
"I have no desire to sleep with Ari again."
"Were you her first?" Britt asked, throwing me off.
"Yes."
"How many firsts have you taken? Are you like secretly collecting virginities?"
"Uh...no."
"How many? Who?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes."
"Okay, Ari...then, Quinn, Puck, you, Ian, and Finn. I think...wait...and Tucker. So 7."
"Wow."
"I know. It's gross."
"So when baby gate was happening...you'd had sex with two out of three?"
"Yeah, Finn made the trifecta. It makes me feel gross to talk about."
"I bet. So you're sure that you only want me?"
"Forever and always, B. You're the only person who has made me feel normal, pure, and special."
"But Ari is like kind of awesome."
"I know, but she was my first too...my first real first. Quinn thinks it's her, and I don't want to burst her bubble. I was still a baby gay with Ari, trying to figure it out, and I felt dirty after. With Quinn, she felt dirty, and I felt dumb. The guys, except for Tucker, just liked that I was an easy lay. There was no fight...I got to a point where I never said no even if I wanted to."
"That's really sad." Gloria said as she came in with Ari trailing behind her.
"I know."
"Santana?" Gloria looked peaceful as she sat back down. "I just wanted to thank you for encouraging her to be honest."
"I couldn't lie to a nun."
She rolled her eyes. "Me being a nun or not shouldn't be the crux of your ability to lie or not. Honesty is the best policy, even if it hurts. I am more upset about the lie than the act. If Brittany has forgiven you both, then I cannot be angry on Brittany's behalf."
"I'm sorry, Goli." Ari mumbled, but Gloria turned and looked at her.
"No mumbling. Be direct and clear when you want to show your sincerity."
Ari wiped her eyes, sighed, then looked at her straight on. "I'm sorry for lying about my relationship with Santana." Then she looked at Britt and me. "I'm sorry for being dishonest with you both and Anita, I'm sorry for using you...and then lying to you. This isn't who I am, and I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me."
"Great. Now that we got that out tell me about your masterplan Santana; Britt promises that it will help me stick to my philanthropic roots."
"I hope so."
May
"Thanks for doing this, sis." I said as I sat in my kitchen watching Sandra set up her station. In the Marines, she'd worked as a barber, and since Isaac loved her so much, I figured it was about time to cut his hair.
Evan and Xavier were distracting him with a video game while my sister got to work.
"Thanks for asking me to. I'm excited to do something with this wig."
"Don't cut it too much, but you know, make it nice."
"No buzz cut got it."
"God, no...Britt would faint. She likes his hair, but she is entirely clueless with how to manage it, and I don't have the time."
"That's not true! I brush it." B said as she came into the room with Daniela trailing her.
"Not enough, B."
"How about you do it like Xavier's?" She said, and Sandra's eyes went wide.
"I thought you didn't want it short."
"No, we said we don't want it buzzed. I agree with Britt do it like Xavier's." I said, and my sister nodded.
I didn't expect to cry as I watched my son's hair fall to the floor, but I totally did, which made him whimper.
"Get out; if he cries, it will be uneven. Either leave the room or stand behind him so he can't see you."
"I'll be good...stand here?" I said as I moved just out of his line of sight.
"That's good."
"Bubbles?" Isaac called, and Evan began blowing them for him.
This was the kind of thing that I lived for—an easy Sunday morning without drama.
I felt anxious the whole time, just waiting for the call that I knew would come.
Carmen had warned me, a big raid had happened in Yonkers thanks to an anonymous tip from another girl who we'd helped.
Our little space had three sets of bunk beds in it, Carmen had wanted more, and I put my foot down. There was no way we could house more than six people in that tiny space. We weren't a shelter; we were supposed to be like a quarter-way house...just a stop until they got to the next safe place.
That was the promise, but a month in, I knew that if she asked for them to stay longer, I would cave.
Just as my sister finished up, the call came.
"Four women, one is pregnant, and the other has a three-year-old," Carmen said. "I'm in Red Hook. Can you get there until I do?"
"Yeah, I can be there in fifteen." I said before ending the call.
"Be where in fifteen?" B said from just over my shoulder. I jumped back and clutched my chest.
"How long were you standing there, B?" I had gone to the loft to take the call, and apparently, Britt had followed.
"Long enough to know that you're leaving just before the family gets here for the Sunday dinner that we are supposed to be hosting."
"I need to get there, B. There are kids involved...please don't make a big deal about it."
"Call Carmen."
"It's Sunday. She takes them super seriously."
"Tell her what you told me, that there are kids involved." Britt had a peaceful look on her face, but I recognized the snark.
"I can go by myself, B; I'll go straight there and come back as soon as Carmen gets there from Brooklyn. It's not even noon; dinner is at 5...I'm sure it won't take that long."
"You know I don't like this."
"I know."
"And while I hate to say this...you should take your gun just to be safe."
"No need, I already have one there."
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"Call me when you get there; text me updates because if you don't, I'm sending all the Lopezes your way."
"Thanks, B."
When I got the Bean, which was nearly finished, I went around back to the vestibule we'd built out for people to stay in.
My heart was racing as I made my way inside, but it was empty. Something immediately felt off.
So I pulled out my phone to call Britt, but then I felt something poke my head.
"Don't move, don't scream...don't even breathe if you can help it. Hand me the phone." I knew better than to argue with a gun to my head.
This wasn't my first rodeo.
I held up both my hands and gave over my phone.
"What do you want?"
"I just told you. Now, take me to your headquarters, Santana Lopez, wife of Brittany Lopez, mother of Isaac and Daniela Lopez. Walk. Now." His hand gripped tight to my arm just in case I tried to make a run for it.
My first instinct was to cry, but I ignored that. Instead, I headed toward the stairs and began to walk up, suddenly aware of just how alone I was.
Where was Carmen?
Had she lied to me?
What the fuck?
I scanned my thumb on the keypad, and the door clicked.
There should have been at least one person there, but it was empty. It just looked like a large dorm room with bunk beds and dressers. Nothing fancy.
"Where's Carmen?"
"Not here, obviously."
"Shame, I guess you'll do. Where's the safe? I know she's got my money."
"I don't use a safe; I use safe deposit boxes like a grown-up. I'm pretty sure she does too." I snapped.
His gloved hand traced my neck, right in that spot, and I froze.
"Stay calm, Little One. You were always my favorite...I don't want to have to hurt you."
"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" I said, turning towards him, but then everything went black as the butt of the gun crashed down on my temple.